Hechaltzu 14b- Satisfaction: is it acceptable? G-d vs. your pleasure, Baal Teshuva issues- RC Dalfin

So, we're learning now the chapter 14. Um, do you remember where we left off? The page number. >> I don't have a mark, but it's either 114 or 115. That's where I have my >> the the where we're at are the words gambodo. >> Yeah, that's page 115. >> Okay. page 115 for those that have the safer. So the rashab here is talking about the the the yeseshas the ego even a remnant of ego which within which ruins the ability to be selfless and in that case even in the avod of aa not even in the avod of a hashem it's lacking now he says omnum however let's go to the text god Even the second type of service which we mentioned in chapter 13 which is the of humility which is mentioned earlier though generally speaking humility humility bespeaks the obliteration of selfhayesh Right? That's what humility is. So why is it still lacking even in even in the second there still is possible for it to have a a a a remnant um a leftover a little form of selfishness. the who this is means he's a conscious of himself even when he's bitter and frustrated and humble he feels self yeah many stories to support that you know the guy is dying the katska said and what am I think about when I'm on my deathbed is what are people going to say about me after I die. That's what I'm thinking about as I'm dying. The the yesh the yesh is still there. Okay. Therefore this is not the true humility. The ultimate humility, what we want, which is when you're in a state of nothingness, complete obliteration of self in Yiddish, the kite. The word means brokenness. The shatterness is that's Hebrew is not completely truthful to the point that he should be he should feel in his conscious I am nothing truthfully I am a nothing means to lose yourself completely from anything and think and what's the reason why why does he still have a cons WHY WHY IS HIS CONSCIOUSNESS he'll still have some of self because his that he makes isn't one that leads to a complete obliteration of yesesh completely the imm If it were to be relevant to him deep in in in his soul in a truthful complete manner he would be unknown completely from everything and everything and EVERYTHING and he would be in a state of nothingness in actuality when it's not so relevant the word noa automatically. THEREFORE, HIS HUMILITY IS NOT ABSOLUTE, not complete. That's one point says there's another reason why it's possible that his is not a complete The truth says that deep down within let's say Hill would call this the subconscious. This is my own word. It doesn't say it here but deep down it's called behel there's something called helman concealment of soul. There is gilhanesh revealed state of soul and there something as known as helen nephish I think rabbi Dr. Torski would call it the conscious and the subconscious I think or maybe the superconscious whatever but just want to just for the record even if he says so doesn't mean it you know we're translating what we think theapid means with these words you know in other words the didn't speak English and he didn't say it in Russian either he says it in Hebrew he writes it in Hebrew so now we have to we take the liberty of translating it and you know we shake our heads to it but truth be said and this is one of the problems with translating the the which you know from the the story in the Gur they that it they they came to erroneous conclusions because the translation isn't exact and the same as Laa with the Yashka you know the the Jews for Yashka and all that stuff where they they misquote or they don't know so I'm I'm going I'm I'm bringing to your attention that even people who are legit from and everything else but but when you translate can you can you prove you have to prove really that Helman is is is subconscious and not super conscious. I'm I'm not equipped to do that and I don't know if anyone really is. I mean obviously uh Dr. Torski um felt he was which is fine. I mean, we could, you know what I'm saying? But I I just bring to your attention that these are, you know, you you hear it and you read it in the translation and it's it's it's delicate issues. It's not like, you know, an arts scroll translation of a piece of gar is and and and and no to gore is gore and it's it's, you know, it's one plus one. I mean, you're talking about levels within the soul that that that the Rashab is talking about. And you know, you say, "Oh, THIS THIS MEANS WHAT WE would call in in psychology, in the anatomy of the soul, the subconscious." Um, did you want to say something either of you? Yes, Hill. >> I just wanted to say that he he uses the word subconscious here. It is a bit of a um loaded term psych in in psychological parliament. There's a lot of discussion and argument what it means, but I would say that the essential meaning here as I understand it is is as feelings that are outside of conscious awareness. So I highlight that idea. >> Okay. Okay. But but talking to me as a layman, I don't know the difference between subconscious and feelings that are outside conscious awareness. No, I understand. But but meaning that subconscious could mean many more things >> feelings that are outside of conscious awareness is one particular facet. >> Okay. >> Uh with certain kind of of sensations or eliminations. >> Okay. But but I I want to translate it as a as a Brooklynite as a yeshiva bucker. The simple way and you guys can PUT IT INTO YOUR COLLEGE educated uh jargon and what says here is that there is something behel that you haven't yet dealt with and that's that little ego that little yesesh that's still there and it causes you he says it in giddish the freedite it's the I'm Sufriden kite. Now sufrieden is a Yiddish word. Sufrid means happy. But when you put it WITH THE WORD KITE sueden kite, it it it takes it from kind of the positive happiness and the spin is a negative one. I want to make that clear. In other words, it's not happy because it's genuine. It's happiness coming because you feel ah it's about me. It makes me feel good. It's all about me. That's what safen kite implies. So the rashab uses that in the in the in the parenthesis here and he says that it's a very important point this point because it's so real. People walk around with happiness. Are they really happy? What are they happy about? And what is the quality of their happiness? And what what he's getting at over here when it comes to avoid hashem right when serving hashem he says HAPPINESS THE ULTIMATE HAPPINESS is from bul from humility and complete humility anything that is not in that category that gather of true humility IS TO FREEDOM KITE from self it's happiness from it's about me and this there's a lot of truth to this it is this way. Cuz at the end of the day, most times or many times that we are in a state of happiness, it's a happiness that is based on and supported by how the self is endorsed, how the self is is put to the top. That if if you if you take the time, you think about it, I I mean I can just talk for my own. That's what I that's the conclusion I come to. Okay. So this morning we had a great doning. What was the great doning? We had about for the menu had 20 30 guys. Usually have 10 15 guys. I don't know why it was I guess it's good to change the clock so people think they're getting an extra hour or something. It was bright and we're doing. People are ding loud and it feels gushmak right. We're doing together. It doesn't feel like a cemetery. We're dabbing. So now you have to ask yourself that feeling of davening when we're all ding together in my every one of us has to is that genuine in other words what is it about this sensation that I'm feeling sitting there dvening is it is it really humility or is it is it somehow building self now now I understand that for the LIKE WE HAVE GREATER PROBLEMS than this but this is what our is out and when we talk about serving Hashem as a as an these are important qualifications. So of course for THE NATURAL PERSON IF YOU GET UP EARLY and you you make the minion you're ahead of the game. How many other people just get up 8 9 10:00 and you know and here you got up early and then you start your day and you're fresh and all that. So you're already ahead, right? But that's that's on a on a on on a on a scale on a balance sheet. Hashem is is not about a balance sheet. IT'S NOT ABOUT HEY, DO I HAVE MORE AUS AND MITZVAH? WHAT'S GOING TO BE AFTER 120? ARE THEY GOING TO HIT ME OR they going to they're going to kiss me? You know, like come on. No, I I don't want to belittle reward and punishment. But the whole idea of forget ABOUT is about this issue. Put aside the the technicalities and look for the inner core. And when you look for the inner core, it's a different it's a different equation. It's a whole different equation. And that's why, as we've said hundreds of times, people who could be learning and dabing day in day out for but at the end of the day, if there's a yes there, if there's an ego there, EVEN A A REFINED EGO, the the the the the one fixing the shoes and the BOOTS AND SHLEING AROUND COULD BE ON A HIGHER LEVEL BECAUSE HIS YESH IS NOT THERE. You understand? And that was that was a revolution that the world before the BMP they had a problem WITH THAT BECAUSE WHAT was the what was the the specialty of a Jew until then how much do you know you know lots of gam you're on one level you know less gamarra you're on a second level the whole idea of looking at was a kush that the bump brought to the world a very big kush And that's why it was opposed initially, right? Why was it opposed? Because this was a foreign way that yeden for centuries didn't look this way at Yiddish. It was about THE DOS AND THE DON'TS. Comes along the bump and says it's not about the dos and the don'ts. The dos and don'ts are very important to you know to violate a don't and not to do a do but but but that as a happens to bead you know delves into this by saying that even in the of even in the avoid of of of humility how careful you have to be that there shouldn't be any sense of gratification on any level from you what you're doing and that's avoid that's and you know and and when you learn these things and you think about it and they come to a place where you realize that not only do you understand it but that it it resonates I love that word it resonates within you then you your whole outlook is a very different outlook it's it's it it's a it changes the outlook of you know of of What is kadusha? What is not kadusha? etc. Yes. Do where do we draw the line between let's say a sense of gratification like like what we're learning and simply seepuk that we know a person in life to be a healthy person has to have seepuk from what they're doing from from from from you know we know that we we know that everybody goes who's and is going to try to find um meaning in something. So we know if you if a person doesn't find it in healthy things, they're going to go find it in unhealthy things. So we know that for a person to be healthy, they have to have a certain sense of seuk, a certain sense of I don't know what to call satisfaction. >> I I I I I know the I know the Hebrew word. I know the English word. Sepuk satisfaction. I got it. I I think One possible response to your question is whether the the sebook is there when it's not going your way. That is the ultimate sebook that's for God not for self. That's the answer to me. That's the answer. In other words, when Hashem says to us, you know, the Tyra and the teachers and everything else and it's not going your way, but yet you do it because this is the Hashem, then that's the ultimate the ultimate is doing God's will. 101 know your will for God's will. So you can ask the same question at the my will is to do it this way and doing the my way would bring me and the pure SAYS NO NO NO PUT ASIDE YOUR WILL for God's will. SO HERE THE QUESTION YOUR QUESTION IF I DO IT GOD'S way I don't have the sebook and what's the answer wrong that's the ULTIMATE SEBOOK BECAUSE THE ULTIMATE SEBOOK is God not self AND GOD KNOWS BETTER HASHEM KNOWS better so when you say we need the book the yesesh needs the book and I agree with that but when you raise the bar that's the point when you raise the bar not only intellectually but emot emotionally and and and cons you know then your sebook you're always looking LIKE SOMEONE JUST WROTE TO ME JUST BEFORE the okay here's an example I think this is a good example so I'm I'm I'm finishing a book on kabad and litfish and lit whatever a certain compare comparison which I'm sure will be read well okay so I have a list I'm continuing and by the way if you know people you should tell me people who learned in litfish institutions who later became kabad in other words even if they weren't one second one second even if THEY WEREN'T LIT FOX but they learned let's say in panovich or in lakewood OR HERE WHATEVER WHATEVER tells me right and and then they became um I'm compiling such a list as part of this and I'm just mentioning it without you know what they do today briefly no not you know so someone wrote wrote me a note cuz I asked him about his father cuz I know his father I think his father learned and and I could see he's ambivalent to tell me and he said you know he said you might want to consult with a kidic Jew another Jew because how do you know that this is not going to alienate the litfox or it'll give them more gas. That's what he writes. I'm not saying I agree. What does that mean? Look, they'll say all these people that know how to learn so well today, they went to litish institutions. So why shouldn't I send my kids to LITISH INSTITUTIONS? THEY'LL BECOME LABORERS LATER. But meanwhile, they'll get a great foundation in in Gmorra learning. That's what he writes to me. Right? So, so, so he's saying to me, he's saying, "Did you question yourself?" This is what he's saying to me. Did you question yourself that this list and this idea that you are writing about IS IT BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SATISFY yourself and your book or is it what God wants? And it's a legitimate analysis. It's a ve the point that he makes and I I know who it is. He's very he's a smart person AND HE'S MUCH YOUNGER MUCH YOUNGER THAN I BUT HE'S A VERY bright guy. It the the analysis is a pure one. I I might conclude and probably will conclude differently than him because he's making one spin on it and I have a different spin where I'm coming from. BUT I I HEAR HIS POINT. SO HERE is the so so so the question so you ask about the sebook. my sebook in writing it is a certain way I'm thinking about it. He brings to the table now another in his opinion the higher way that's his opinion which is the god's way and he's saying that's might contradict your way and if that's the case you shouldn't write it because it's god over you. Does my example does my example kind of address what you're asking about? >> I mean, yeah, in in a way. Yes. I mean, I I I understand the example. That's for sure. >> I I understand the example. >> And and I know where and I know I know where where your question is coming from and what that represents. I know it very well and I understand it. And that's the point of goes against that. That's what I'm trying to tell you. The BMP's idea of opposes that that approach. Not that that's a bad approach and not that that's a you know, but there's greater and greater ism is the best se for man. And for that you need to learn a lot of and you need to thinkidus and you need to frag and you need to and ultimately it resonates. Yes. Um what's it called is you wanted to say something. >> So I don't know if you consider to litish or not. Rabbi Silverberg in West Bloomfield. >> He's already included. He's he's already included. >> Okay. And all the Boston rabbies learned in Punovich. >> Uhhuh. and some learned in Lakewood. >> Uhhuh. But the only thing is this is about Kabad. I have only >> Yeah. I I have plenty of people that know KABAD AND MAYBE ANOTHER BOOK, BUT right now it's Kabad and lit. But okay. >> Okay. >> Okay. But anyway anyway, I'm glad we're having this conversation because it's a very important one. Let's continue inside the text now. It says He says, "Well, the fact that I have some self-happiness concealed in my deep in my soul, big deal. Big deal." Because on the on the platform, on the revealed platform, on the revealed stage, I'm not thinking about myself. I'm trying to do what others want. what it was best for. This is a leftover a remnant of the original yesesh of the original ego and selfcenteredness that exists still within him. This is from the which talks about decay when finding decay in an animal. It spreads throughout the entire body in regarding to the laws of of kashwas. So that hashab uses it and I want to point out to he doesn't say where it's from. Most people wouldn't even know. I mean I I don't know. I I I I looked it up here in the footnotes. So, but I just pointed out that Hashab knew Gomorrah. HE THIS IS THIS IS NOT A POPULAR GAM THAT EVERY YESHIVA is learning. So, what's the why is he quoting this idea? He's saying this that the fact that there is some yesesh left in the super subconscious or whatever in the helish can SPREAD AND MAKE DECAY in the rest of the body even in the revealed platform later in life. we once spoke about and that article which not once many times but it always comes back that article in the Baltimore Jewish times now it's about 20 25 years old where the writer decided to highlight Bali chuva and to follow their trajectory and to see if they really did chuva you remember I spoke about this in the past So I remember that he quotes you know some Kabadnik I think in Crown Heights who took the the train the IRT from from Crown Heights to Manhattan. And he says that he chose a car a car where there was he knew someone would go to work every day or someone came on and he had a jukebox in the old days with the big you know jukeboxes and he played rock and roll. Now he in his house didn't play rock and roll because he had a wife and kids but in his deep down he still had he came from a place of rock and roll and that music and he liked it. So he to get a satisfaction he would choose that car to go on. This is what the writer of the Baltimore Jewish time. Now I think his agenda was to show that the Bali chuva are not complete you know um but I'm not going there you know whether he had agenda didn't have agenda and when I read it you know I want I say to myself like this the Rambam writes they not remind about tshoua of their aus in the past it's a raam okay so number one you're violating what the raam writes NUMBER TWO WHY IS THE raam write that what does the raam mean with that the raam means that when you All the transgressions from before are erasedly legally that doesn't talk about the hellish like you know so the fact is that is saying it could even be that he STILL HAS A DESIRE FOR ROCK AND ROLL TO HEAR ROCK and roll but that does not play into the the the the cha of the person. Soically he's fine yet between he and Hashem under his talis aner that's part that should be part of his chuva that he shall ask Hashem Hashem give me the kayak to overcome those issues that I picked up when I was a young a younger man and I wasn't yet from etc etc and regardless whether I chose those made those choices or the community and I I lived in my parents blah blah blah and and and this exactly what talks about asking Hashem for mercy know when we ask Hashem for it means that we can't do it on our own why can't we do it on our own because we weren't raised that way at at the end of the day and you know talks about you talk about and I that's why I say I understand this it's like you weren't raised this way you're raised a certain way you got it you didn't raise you never going to get it on that level. So you have to ask God for mercy to kind of wipe it away. And but guess what? It happens. It happens where people come to a point where they are actually able to wipe away deep-seated feelings. I don't know how that ma how that coincides with psychology and social work and all of that but and how what Freud would say. He would say but the way we understand it from especially is that the power of is so powerful that can actually wipe away a a an issue that you grew up with. So when the Rashab talks about the Helman here and he says that if there is a remnant of this yesesh still there it can come to haunt you. what he what he's alluding to I think is that is that although although you know on a daily basis you're doing the right thing he's saying that there there should be a time and a place where you you use something and if and if need be to eliminate that and it's a it's a very hard avoid it's a very very hard aid that's why when we recognize you speak about nefish. I can't do it on my own. I can't I I I've tried. I' I've failed. I can't. SO GOD HAVE MERCY on me. Push it. HAVE MERCY. LIKE SOMEONE WHO YOU'RE ASK you're you want to have mercy on. You ask Hashem. We say it every day in Dominic. What are we saying? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE'RE SAYING. And that's true for anger. And that's true for for Yesh. It's true for mitos that we pick up either genetically because we're born to certain parents. It's it's you just talking about my my wife's uh aunt 98 years old just passed away in Worcester. She was the Rebbitson. Rebbitson Raul uh Foggamin Rabbi Hershu Foggamman's wife just passed away last week. So my mother-in-law and her were sisters night and day. Both were both orphaned. their mother passed away in 1942. Um, she was, I think, 12 years old and the sister was 14 and basically they went into an orphanage and they went to B Yakov in Williamsburg and they kind of were raised on raised on the on their own. Two different people. Two different people. And you take a look at my mother-in-law lived almost 96. She lived 98, you know, compared to Isashem, they're young, but but um it's it's a long life. It's a long life, right? It's a beautiful life, a long life. And you take a look and you start studying a little bit if you want to go that way. And you see how they were very very different, right? So there are things from youth you know the way we're born to one is more like the father one is like the mother one you know etc etc then this is this is part of studies you know so when the rashab says nephesh he he's just making us aware on one hand he's telling us like you said nephesh in other words if you come down too much on yourself and there is no nephesh you're going to the average person will will have a problem like you said right in in other words an average PERSON WANTS TO HAVE satisfaction in the sense accomplishment right at the same time you raise the bar youidis and you think and you then the nafi is making hashem of freedom I mean I could tell you just being around and differentim I saw this by them, you know, the futas, I'm telling you, they, you know, they didn't have money, they didn't have honor, they didn't have like what made them, what made them function, what made them go, what made them excited about life every day? The answer is, in other words, the the their bar was was a different bar. THEY WERE HUMAN BEINGS AND THEY HAD FAILINGS. I'm not saying they, you know, they were perfect, okay? Not saying that, but their bar was a different bar, you know, a different different uh, you know, uh, what's the word? New um, PAR PARADIGM. THEY HAD A DIFFERENT PARADIGM. I think we'll stop here. Yeah, we went over a little bit. We'll continue tomorrow. Zism. Byebye. Thank you. Yeah. Have a good day.