Can I control myself from unhealthy urges? Rabbi Chaim Dalfin

baby I just want to say today is my father's yard site 13th yard site so I'd love to do it again okay what's his name is almonds is father okay so we're on page 32. we're now embarking on probably one of the most prominent known chapters in Tanya chapter 12 youth base and why is that because youth base is with the bellatania starts explaining the mahus right he writes to Tanya he says out of all the characters the two types of Sadiq and the two types of the show him we uh excuse me I'm gear I'm geared towards the the banana and his model of the being in the we'll see that we'll see in this chapter which seems in a way very lofty yet he's telling us it's for us it's potential man that's what we call it whose potential man the balatonya's banani and um just from the very beginning before we go inside the chapter and we learn inside when they asked this great hussard when his grandson asked him they say that you're obeying me and because it said if a pain in the means someone that's constantly careful in his thought speech and action to be in accordance with God's will I don't know if I'm a banging knee but if abandon the means that there's a a 30-second being in the in a 45 second being in the end a minute being in the that's possible in other words abandon is a state of mind of course ultimately to live a life where you're guarded and you're careful in all of your at all times from from when you become abandon me in thought speech and action that's that's a feat that very few accomplish but to be a a partial being in the or the mindset of abandoning that's within everyone's Realm and if one is such a pain in the trust me then it'll make an impact on the individual even when he's not obeying the knee to be better in other words so what we're getting at here is the pain in the mindset and that's the way you should learn this chapter in Tanya and and the whole theme of Tanya because otherwise like I like I told you once uh I was teaching Tanya Marin County with the Ashley Chris and uh the the bright the pediatrician gentleman um finds the you know a fine person smart person and uh we were learning and we came to chat we learned chapter 12 he didn't show up anymore and he said why not he said I'll never become a beta knee so what's the point of studying this book and that's a taut that's a mistake no outwardly he's right you know outwardly he's right you know in other words he understood he got the point of the outer River but but he was he didn't get one point and that is this the Kuda that I'm sharing with you now that the point is not whether I'm gonna become Kind of Perfect in thought speech in action or not and since I know myself and it happens to be that person that pediatrician was of sensitive able person I knew him he was a very quiet and obstructive obtrusive person he was but nevertheless he understood that listen that you know to say that I'm going to be careful in every aspect of Shabbos and if not holding Shoppers perfectly or not holding shop is entirely I'm lost so what's the point of studying this and for other people who are saying the Shabbos and they get angry someone pointed out to me doesn't he get it in Delta rep is third section of the Tanya called again it says there that um for Cass for anger gariza he quotes the Ariza you need 151 fasts to forgive for one time for atoning for one time doing being angry one time according to Eliza you have to fast 150 times 51 times and then he says but for um the uh the breaking of the of of a Mrs license of amidst I forget exactly you can look it up not right now you need up to 70 fast seven whatever less fast you need only 70 whatever fast and for getting angry which is which is not technically could you find me the 630 Mitzvahs do not get angry no we attribute anger to certain Mitzvahs but there is no clear statement do not get angry nevertheless what okay that that's a phone to the essential yes yes sir that's true but it's it's it's not one of the 630 mitzvahs foreign so you're you're identifying the kavana behind this anger what if the kavana is not what if that's not his cover or no what if he has he believes a hundred percent in Hashem and yet he gets angry it's it's still inappropriate to get angry are you gonna say that every time a person gets angry he's violating emuna I'm not sure if that's how luckily the case I don't believe that's the case how logically it's wrong and but but breaking a mix with the rabonon is a mix with their opponents not the horizon and the Ariza says for anger it's 151 fast it's less fast what's the point the point I'm just bringing this as an example to show that the mindset of the individual is is is is really in in a way deeper than the actual the mindset and that's what the outlet but that's why it's sentences it's not niggler this isn't hello we're learning sentence what's in in those out there is interested in going deep into the man to the psyche of man of the of the human being and and looking at the the deeper issues that cause man to do this or that and if that's the case Dr Rep is saying that you could be abandon me if even if in actuality there are times where you're not careful in thought speech and action so as far as reward and Punishment you get an X but if your mindset is to be such a person then you're on the right trajectory and if you're on the right trajectory you will get there so that so in other words put it this way is it better to be a reward punishment than to be a a a psychological mindset beginning from from the altar Rapids perspective in this scenario it's better to be the mindset Bengali why because because once you adapt once you adapt this mindset and this is who you become you will go on that trajectory so even when you fail you bounce back whereas in the Practical reward and Punishment you're not guaranteed and if you think I'm just telling you uh fantasies and and hypothetical situations it's not the case I just wrote about an individual who I could say that's an example the the equation of right and wrong does not guarantee what you're going to do later what you're gonna be later whereas when you become identified with a certain mindset and that's who you really are that has a greater chance there's no there's no guarantees okay but that has a greater chance of sticking with you of sticking with you and and and really constantly pushing you in the right way and that's why see this especially puts a great emphasis on this type of approach you see and this is for those that learn some Musser Musser is more on the Practical orientation be clean be on time don't be late don't be scattered right sir as it says in bacillus you show him is about zizzles and the Keels and pre-shoes very practical things okay that's Musser see this is not about I've told you this many times and it's it's important to repeat see this is not Pierce see this is I mean someone argue that it is it's true but the balcanto if with his innovation of cities it's about the nephesh the approach of soul the soul approach and that's a very different thing than you know are you on time are you not on time I don't care if you're not on time you know they say it was a must be an artist in Russia he taped that trail Brook he lives versus Tel Aviv and then he was originally Yeshiva and he said he loves wild boys show with him because of he says has potential to become one day a very big town someone who's you know complacent and a goody goody or as we used to say in school a TL you know you know you know what a tlr is right T T is for the Yiddish word L stands for lekker you know the lacquer means someone who licks TL or me someone who's he's licking their their teacher every day you know trying to show they're the best they sit next up front next to the teacher you know bad type so soil would say someone who's like that today he is but you don't know what the future is when he when he encounters the world the challenges the questions but someone who's wild and and you know shook ahead and just running around in a troublemaker there's energy there oh is there energy so if you get the channel challenge that energy the right way they're gonna be very special in something so I'm saying is his Kanye is not about are you clean or you're not clean are you on time or not on time you don't find that in Tanya you guys have learned Tanya you know some other times and now we'll learn again you don't find that because it's not a book of muscle it's a book of Soul it's a book of nephish and see this it's not just Tanya but oh particularly Tanya is a book of nephesh so in the book of nephesh you know what's more important the mindset than the practical now no one should walk away and says if so I can be a a grip towards being a a mindset of of abandoning and not doing not put on tune that that's absurd that argument's absurd because at the end of the day if you're identified with a proper mindset you follow that mindset otherwise you're you're a looney you're a loony bill yeah you're not you're not normal in other words if you understand with your mind that this is good and this is good for God and it's good for you it's good for your family community you want to follow it it's a healthy thing it's a good thing so you can't you can't say that the mindset remains only a mindset and if it does it's not that it's you don't have a true mindset there's still an ego evolved in the mindset but let's let's now learn inside okay I just wanted to give you a little introduction paid a good base Chapter 30 12 page 32. if I have been in the the pain um inora go even worship do me a favor mute yourself is he is an individual who never has mastered the has mastered the ability to completely eradicate the band from capturing the city which is the slavish begoof investing itself in the body to to sin in other words the baby is an individual that when it comes to practicality and thought speech and action the bear doesn't dominate the hainu let's continue the three garments of the animal tribe which are saying speech in action from the perspective of the negative strenuous husk inside called Clipper engagement boy they do not overpower I'll never surely kiss Over The Godly soul with slavish be good prepared to invest itself in the body in the brain in the mind and in the in and in the mouth into the other 248 limbs to do um to make them sin or the time moment to make them impure God forbid s the three garments of The Godly Soul which is thought speech in action they alone invest themselves in the person's body maximum consisting of using your thoughts speech in action for the 630 Mr Potato and look at the author episode now this is one of the most important lines in Tanya the mindset of debating he is that he never has committed a sin in his life that's in the past and in the future the mindset is what does that mean my friends we're talking about someone who's a pain in me that means he's not at Sonic right I've run so he was not at Sadiq he's a pain in the knee what do you mean he never committed a sin of course he committed a sin otherwise you'd be my satiq so what does the Palatine mean here for the yaver Aveda miyamov that's number one question number one question number two for like up and he never will he never did and he never will the question number two is how can you say he never will what are you God you know the future and the answer is what I said earlier of course he committed a sin of the best that's why he's not exotic [Music] but his mindset today is such that if you judge him the way he is today he would have never committed a sin in the past and he will never commit a sin in the future that's the way he is tomorrow Hilo what's going to be tomorrow I don't know if he'll if he'll maintain this mindset then tomorrow I'll be able to say the same thing about it and guess what if it doesn't then tomorrow is not a pain in the mindset anymore and that person didn't sit in the past and he will do a sin today is not here speaking about giving prophecy of course not he's talking about the mindset how committed is this individual with his attitude towards Hashem how committed so there is that Sadiq let me clarify there is a Sadiq whose attitude is not not only have I never sinned because I've done sugar to the point where I've never sinned but the whole idea of sin has been eradicated eradicated from his from his mindset the urge has been eradicated that's what Sonic is and that's why we're not said he came and the whole idea of Sadiq him is really firing to us again according to the altareba's definition of itsadiq but when you learn this Tanya you must you must understand that what you hear on the street and you're sure and based megarish in another swarm is not this scenario when most people say Sadiq they're talking about that they speak Russian horror did they not speak Russian horror did they cheat on their taxes did they not cheat on attack this did they do our classes so when you talk about the prophets the great prophet saw you say satanic he was so careful with his loss and horror to the point where he wrote the safest reader salvation and everything else right the balotany is not talking about now reward and Punishment you know did he do sin or did he not do sin he's talking about the attitude so there is an attitude of Soul of the person's soul which is Sadiq like which means that even the urge to do Eve to do bad doesn't exist that's how much he's transformed himself well sorry folks that's not us and then there is a Russia whose attitude is his attitude it is hey I enjoy a good a good hamburger cheeseburger I enjoy a good a good a good cheat I enjoy a good and the fact that sometimes I regret fine but but really what's driving me it's that that's a Russia then comes this painting in the middle average being an intermediate what's the pain in the knee and practicality he's careful not to commit a sin of thought speech and action but as far as his heart's concerned Why does he have an urge and guess what his urge is just like a Russia just like a Russian and you know when you think of this Hillel you think of this it's such a divulge Insight because people always say I can't be like you know people who are not yet from and on and on they say I'm sorry I can't be like you I'm gonna be like me I don't mean like me like what do you mean like us like me we're on the same boat if one thinks that um the person who's from and came about the shovel is born from and all of that doesn't have a urge is the whole title and the whole time I was talking about the religious Jews right from Jews who are dealing with struggles from homosexuality to bestality to everything else who they talking who's the kind of talking to it's not to us of course it's talking to us that means that means that there is an urge of some level they tell the story of the mythical Reba that he had coins on his table when he people came to see him for advice called yehidus so he said that one of the coins he didn't want oh and one of the coins that was on the table was of Catherine one of the Russian uh Czar whatever you know women and all that so they sell some some set why do you have such coins on your table you're at Santa in other words it wasn't an indecent exposure but still it's a picture of a woman on a coin on his desk said someone came into me and they didn't act of of a sin I think was bestiality that I couldn't find Within Myself in in order forever to answer someone this is the Chabad model of yahidas the rapper has to find it somehow in himself on some refined level so he should be able to give the advice and to take them for the person and I couldn't find it and I was schwitzing and finally it hit me that coin on the table of the picture of the woman what's the cashier the cat the question is that I guess I guess you know I guess I the question is that you know the a woman with a man whatever in other words he was trying to understand how he could help this person and again I'm not sure if it was bestiality maybe it was just incest and um you know infidelity whatever the issue was or sexual issue of orientation so somehow he he he he understood he realized and I think he took the coin off after he had no Cycles he had no connection to to to to to to women and all that but he said that that he he found it somehow subconsciously in himself and he was able to help the person and why am I saying this the Tita that's a middle of ever okay it's a Savage but saying the whole idea of of an urge on some level applies to everyone so what's the difference the difference is I hold myself back from this surgeon from that urge we all have urges all kinds of urges you hold yourself back so I held myself back for this you hold yourself back from this therefore we share commonality and let's each one work on holding ourselves back more so that's what the alternative is saying the pain in the knee in myself he wants to speak nasty he wants to do inappropriate things he wants to think about impropriate things but he stops he says no I'm not going to do it so this is what the outfit ever meets you from one second when I look at Mr Beanie today right the beginning of of 3 5 3 11 312 actually throw time we're learning the Tanya we are now all in the main been in the mode now we see that if I see if if I had to say tomorrow whether we're going to act it or speak or do inappropriate no no because we're abandoning mindset tomorrow comes tomorrow comes I can't tell you what if you're not obeying the mindset we have free will then you will be able to do an Avera yes Hillary you wanted to say something yeah I just a way of praying friend and doesn't say this is a valentine is telling us that that that this is inner work the the essential thing is that we're refining our thoughts and and uh and and our our speech in accordance with our inner work we're not uh we're not here discussing uh what to what to do and what to not to do we already learned that in the Torah right now now we're talking about the inner Works to make it possible to refine those desires and to direct them in a Godly way right now you told told me and told us over the years that you you know you you do a lot of counseling in in in people who smoke and right and and addictions tell me if I would be wrong to say that if the person changes their their attitude on those issues that's where the core of of of of the tikkon of the stop at the smoke or stopping to drink or whatever else can can come forth in other words it's from that that inner work that that individual does that will will really give them the ability to to listen and ultimately stop that on healthy craving would that be true when I when I started to do uh smoking cessation work one of the things one of the projects that I said for myself was to interview people who had successfully stopped smoking for different reasons and what um what I wanted to have in the in the my background was a lot of uh a lot of ideas that had helped people and one that was particularly meaningful to me was a woman who who held her granddaughter for the first time uh and she was a heavy smoker and it's at one point she had that she's holding her granddaughter and she had to question whether she would be there at her granddaughter's wedding [Music] her granddaughter's whole life passed before adopted up their wedding and he had that question and and that was a compelling enough thought for her experience that she stopped smoking right away there's a similar story one of the rebang I think the the uh the Frida kareva that the doctor once told him that it was uh that it was um uh unhealthy and he stopped right away yes he found he found an alternative experience that was it was compelling enough to overcome that particular crazy I actually actually I think the story is with the Frida kareva telling our River in the 1940s I think that the Surgeon General just came out he heard and and they're like overnight put away the cigarette that that that's what I think but but I I just want to finish with this an example I I think so I think so you know I wasn't there but I heard it for you yeah yeah okay okay but I want to say will anyone here of us here our not eating on Yom Kippur is it we have to like decide not to eat a Yom Kippur no I'm not talking about 30 50 years ago now or it's just I'll give it in other words debate and this is an example of the baby yum of the way he is right now it's not it's not in my reality it I don't it's not the shot I have an urge to eat but I don't want to eat so one second that Sadiq is like not not eating on Yom Kippur it's not a question of an urge and and battling my urge Halo no you'll get for her you give her I don't I don't know something else that's more compelling something or absence more important yeah but it's it's something else that's more compelling has become Who We Are has become who we are you know that's exotic abandon me is not that way abandon he has an urge and guess what a strong urge see people think that the outside is saying the pain in the knee has a weak urge and the Russia he has a stronger it's wrong as far as an urge is concerned they're both identical identical so there's a question I have for you yes what merge how would you categorize and I I my co-worked in some very dark places like forensic mental health Etc okay um where would you put a um a um a person who presents himself as a firm Jew in the last small children like that um when I was in when I worked in the states um I had a chalet from another city call me because he was thinking of hiring a a young Robotnik um who had been a teacher in another state and he he had been fired because of uh inappropriate contact with um girls in classrooms okay so my advice to him was teach him to be a shortcut or something because because I I didn't believe um that in I believe that in certain categories that the urge can be so strong you know that um there is a responsibility of protecting the community you know from people who even if they say they want to control it but they right okay but what is your question in regard to to debating there I'm not following the connection the connection is is that um you know in in the in the modern non-senius worlds Etc like you were talking about Tel Aviv yeah okay so all kinds of thoughts could pop up you know uh you know from from God's mind website okay uh on the other hand there are people who are predators who they go down to the beach because they want those clubs to pop up and maybe even activate them okay so that that's that's terrible so what is it so that person so my question is is that to re-categorize that as a person is let's say like an incomplete Russia definitely definitely an incomplete Russia and maybe even I'm certain certain in that area complete Russia if in that in that in that in that area absolutely someone who goes down to the beach to activate their their fantasy and thought for those type of purposes is is is bad yeah what's that that's not what we're talking about a vanity over here I just just because we were talking about the subject of urge right you know the the is what I was saying yeah yeah yeah so so again again you know we will learn soon in time inside this in this chapter that the banyani as soon as the urge comes left he pushed away with two hands it's a lot of work but he says out out but someone who who specifically draws those thoughts into himself I mean that that's Russia okay we'll see everyone tomorrow Mr Shem have a great day Shalom good conversation bye-bye thank you thank you bye-bye