Raquel Kirszenbaum - Yom Kipper Shiur, September 30, 2025

Have some happy mother hope everyone had a beautiful Rosh Hashanah. May God bless us all a beautiful Yom Kippur and we'll see you all soon. You know, it's like everything is placed on the table now. So hopefully it's going to work out. Great. So since we're a few days am I the only one are you guys hot? I'm a little hot. I'm going to do something about it. I just walked the hill from the hotel. Listen, that hill is a hill. You know, God wants us to really appreciate what regular was. So he makes us walk. But anyways, so beautiful. A few days that we're away from Yom Kippur, so I want to talk about a topic obviously, you know, I'm just going to call it forgiveness, but it's a little bit much more than that. And you know, it's going to be like a little bit of a strong class. But I think the message is a message that everyone needs to hear and everyone needs to engrave because it's a hard message to have. I'm going to start with a question, but I'm only going to answer this question later on. So there's a very very famous question. I'm pretty sure everyone has heard this question at one point. Why does Rosh Hashanah comes before Yom Kippur? Yes, everyone has heard this question. If Rosh Hashanah is about judgment and then Yom Kippur is about forgiveness, wouldn't you want God to first forgive you and then judge you, right? So every day we say the famous cup sign and it says let a video am already let a video a sham video video is my video a sham video video is shy right a sham is my light and my salvation. And the Torah says already is Rosh Hashanah is she is salvation is Yom Kippur. May me if God from whom shall I be afraid? Is Sukkot. Rosh Hashanah is clarity. Rosh Hashanah is light. You know when your kids come to you and they know they did something wrong, but they also want to get something out of you, so they go like, "I'm sorry I did this." You know, I tell my kids whenever they do something, I go like, "You have to do teshuvah." So they go like, "Slicha." I go like, "No, no, like real teshuvah, you know, what did you do?" And then they go like this. "I'm sorry for what I have done." I go like, "What What did you do?" You know, if you don't have no idea what did you do OR YOU CAN'T SAY IT OUT LOUD, then obviously you're going to say it again. And therefore there's no point in forgiving if it's not about if if if if you're not going to change your ways. So it is the fear of Rosh Hashanah that gives you the clarity to want to have a different life, to want to have a better choice. And you know, when it was Rosh Hashanah, for anyone that came to the Ijul Yom Ijun, we spoke about it. You know, we spoke about how judgment really equals love because it equals your equal partners in Dancing with the Stars. There's no the professional and the whatever, you're the same. When I was really thinking about this, and I realized that, you know, you can't have Yom Kippur without Rosh Hashanah. And I'm going to explain what that means. You know, when you go down to into what is Rosh Hashanah about, Rosh Hashanah is about crowning Hashem. Yes? What does that even means to crown Hashem? And what does Yom Kippur has to do with it? That's really a question that I want to answer. So there's a very famous part in the Torah. I don't know if it's so famous, but maybe it will be famous now. When Hashem comes to David Hamelech and says to David Hamelech, "Till when are you going to carry such a heavy sin? Why haven't you done teshuvah for your sin? Till when are you going to carry all of the weight of this thing? Now, all of you that can help woman, my friend who I see every week, yes, except for last week, one week with a shabbat, one week without. If you If you were reading the Tanakh and God says to David Hamelach, "Till when are you going to carry your sin?" You Jewish women that know a lot of Torah, which sin do you think God is talking about? Bathsheba, yes? Would everyone say Bathsheba? Yes. By the way, the Torah says that whoever thinks that David Hamelach sinned with Bathsheba is making a mistake. He didn't sin. But guess what? The Torah is actually not talking about Bathsheba. When I read this, I was in shock. What is the Torah talking about? David Hamelach was always hiding from Shaul that wanted to kill him. So, at one point, he went to this city called the city of Nov. Nov was full of Kohanim. Someone came to find him. I don't remember who, you know, maybe Sheva ben Bichri, I have no idea. Ahithophel? I don't remember. And when I Who? Who? Doeg Ha'adomi, thank you so much. I don't want to tell you, but I was on the Bible contest. But listen, it was 25 years ago. Since then, I have forgotten many, many things. But, uh, you know, the Bible contest, the best thing. Anyway, so, uh, I was placed very high, not that I want to tell you, but listen, too much information on this hard drive. This is why I don't save people's numbers. I'm like, only if you're in my life forever will I save you. Every file I upload, I have to, you know, erase another one. So, I have to make sure that you're everlasting. But anyway, so, uh, thank you so much. Doeg Ha'adomi, he came. He couldn't find David Hamelach. He accused the whole entire city of being an accomplice, and he killed 80 something Kohanim. Okay? This is the sin that Hashem is telling David, "Till when are you going to carry the blood of the city of Nov in your hands?" Now, you have to all ask the question, like, "Hasid, what did he do?" You know, the guy was trying to protect his life. You know, he's trying to to hide. He didn't put anyone in danger. This was Shaul. Shaul had a little bit of, you know, I can't talk about the king like that, but in our terms, a little bit of ego, a little bit of fear, a little bit of panic, and that's why he killed everyone. What did David do? Yes. Put that aside. We all know that David and Shaul were the original Tom and Jerry. You know Tom and Jerry? Anyways, for years, Shaul is always persecuting David. Now, David had made up in his mind that Shaul wants to kill him, and there's no way out of this. And this is he was always the runaway groom. You know, he was always running away because if Shaul wants to kill me, and there's no way to appease Shaul, what am I going to do? Until one point, after years and years of Shaul going after David, David realized this is not going to stop ever. I have to do something about this. So, he decided that he's going to let really Shaul understand that he doesn't have anything against him. You know, so one day, he's walking and he's in a mountain, Shaul is persecuting him. Everyone knows this story? He sees a hole, he goes inside, and maybe she was in a Bible contest, also. She knows everything. What are we going to say? She She goes inside, and God does a miracle that a spider builds a spider web, and David is inside, Shaul comes in, he says David can't be here cuz the spider web is very fresh. He goes inside, he's doing his necessities, and David cuts his his, you know, his whatever, his cape. So, Shaul gets up, and David yells, "Is this your underwear? You know, you should KNOW THAT YOU WERE VERY CLOSE to me. I could have killed you, and I didn't. DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS?" And Shaul goes like, "Yeah, I do. This is mine." And he goes like, "Just so you know, you see how I don't mean any wrong to you?" So, Shaul says, "You're more righteous than me. I am sorry that I have sinned." You know, the whole entire thing. Anyways, a few months later, Shaul forgets cuz when you have panic, panic comes back. So, David says, "Oh my god, he's after me again. Let me show him again that I don't want to do anything." Shaul is camping somewhere. He's sleeping on the tent. He left his weapon on the side. David Amalek comes in, takes the weapon. Then, they make it look like they're at war. Shaul gets up, the weapon is not there. So, David Amalek says, "Shaul, is this your weapon?" And he goes like, "Yeah, this is my weapon." He says, "DO YOU KNOW WHY I HAVE IT? AGAIN, God delivered you in my hand. And I could have killed you." By the way, he could have cuz he was a rodef. But, I didn't because I don't mean anything wrong to you. Now, Shaul feels the the hurt. And he goes, "Oh my god, you're more righteous than me. I promise you I'm never going to come back after you." And this was the last time in the whole entire Torah that Shaul goes after David. Now, I want to make sure you you understood this. For years, there's this Tom and Jerry. DAVID IS ALWAYS RUNNING AWAY. Shaul he wants TO GET HIM FOR YEARS. And then suddenly, David decides he wants to make peace. How many efforts did it took him? Two. Do you think two efforts is good? Even in baseball, they give you three strikes, you know? Two efforts, that's all it takes. And then THAT'S IT? QUIET FOREVER? You know what God says to David Amalek? You could have stopped this insanity with two efforts. And you didn't. The blood of the city of Nob is in your hands. Because if you would have let go, again, I can't speak about David like that, of your ego. If you would have just said, "I'm going to try my best. Whether it works or not, I'm just going to do my effort." Then none of this would have happened. But because you decided that he wants to kill you and there's no way to fix it. And you decided that, you know, it is easier to choose the road of, you know, rage or, you know, revenge or whatever you want instead of choosing the road of peace, all of this happened. And I have to say, this happens in every single one of our lives. You know, a few years ago I had a very, very, very big difficulty. Not going to talk about it right now. But there was a person that I thought I was incredibly close to that person that was covering up for someone that hurt me for years and years and years. Now obviously, that person had good intentions, whatever you want, but when you find out, you know, that this person is covering up for someone knowing what is happening, this is not like a small thing. This is like a big thing. And then when that something happened, that person was so embarrassed that they totally disappeared from my life. And this was a person that was like a second mother to me. So I'm going through all of this tragedy. I have no one. And then I realized that that someone that should have been someone is the one that covered up for years. And then she's not even making me schnitzel. I I cannot explain to you like literally what this hurt. And then I'm like, "What if I would have been your daughter?" Like I I literally thought I was this woman's daughter. If this would have been was driving me crazy. But then, you know, I was going through all of this tragedy and obviously I was full of anger and I was full of resentment toward towards a lot of people, specifically the one that did all of the hurt, but all of the ones that could have done something and never did. And then I decided that it was eating me alive. I just I just couldn't function. I couldn't stop thinking, "Why didn't I do something? How could it be? How was I so stupid that I didn't get out? Why Why this? Why that? And to make the story short, I wrote a book which some of you already have. Hopefully, you have read it called Stop Hurting, Start Healing. And uh you know, in psychology, they always says hurt people hurt people. You know that famous line? We're going to get into that line soon. But I realized that psychologists, no offense if you're a psychologist, but they don't really understand hurt people hurt people. Hurt people hurt people doesn't mean you hurt others. It means you hurt yourself. You know when you were little and your parents were hurt and you said, "I am never going to do that." But then you do. You know, I just want you to know like if you did and if you're still doing it, it's okay. It's a reflex. It's like PTSD and it's okay. You have time to work on yourself. But if you have ever done something you don't want to do and then your kids are looking at you like you're the mother of all evil, you know what I'm talking to me? And then you recognize that look cuz you're like, "This is the same way that I looked at my parents." You know what I'm talking about? We all know. Everyone has their little bit of trauma, you know? There's nothing that hurts more in the world in the world than to hurt the people that you love and to know that you're responsible for that hurt and then to realize they're going to grow up and be messed up like you are. There's nothing THAT HURTS MORE EVER. NOTHING. Hurt people hurt you. You're the one that hurts the most because someone that's hurt can't make good choices. Someone that's hurt doesn't have enough of a self-esteem to protect themselves, to make boundaries, to love themselves, to whatever it is that you want. That's the thing. So I was writing this book called Stop Hurting, Start Healing because I realized I have to let this go. And when I'm saying like this is big, believe me, this is this this is big. You know, I realized that almost every single book that is written about Amun Ra, we're going to get to it. It's always written about sickness and death. Because sickness and death you can accept from God. Even Hamas you can accept from God. Because when you try to wrap your head around the Hamas, the Nazis, whatever you want, you can't. So you're like obviously this is God because how can a human being do something like that? But then there is the hurt that comes from people. Especially that people that you love. And that no one ever writes a book about Emunah. Because that you usually cannot accept with happiness. Because you know what you do? That didn't come from God. That came from the people that made the choice. They chose to hurt you. They could have done different. At the end of the day there's something in this world called free choice. THIS IS JUDAISM VALUE 101. SO YES, YOU CAN SAY FINE, I had to go through this. But the person the person they they didn't have to do it. I they how how could have they hurt me? You know those lines? They're very famous anyways, right? So I had to sit and and and and see how I'm going to let go of this. Because if I am angry, you know where all of that stress is going? That's all going on my children. If I'm stressed, it's all going on my children. And not only them, it's going to go on me. Imagine, you know, I'm going to right? So I wrote a book. And you know what happened? Yom Kippur came. And I remember this lady. And I was like, "Oh my God, I used to be so close to this person. We used to speak every week. Used to go for Shabbat at least once a month. We haven't spoken in a year. And you know what I realized in life? Everything in life is like an avalanche. You have a little bit of snow, but then it gets bigger bigger bigger bigger. And there comes a point in your life that there's such distance that you have no idea how to bridge the gap. That is with everything that we do. When you start smoking, you smoke one cigarette. But then when you smoke 300, you know, there's no way of Okay, I hope no one smokes 300 a day. Maybe that's exaggerated, but you there's no way OF STOPPING TO SMOKE. And even Rav Dessler says that. You There comes a point in your life where you have no more choice because the choice that you made made you so addicted to your choice that there's no way that you could be free. No one can just let go of, you know, uh drugs or smoking or even sugar just out of their conviction. We all know it doesn't work out. Very few people, very, very few people. And I realized, "Oh my god, if this continues like this, it's not going to happen forever." But you know what? She hurt me really badly. And he said, "Not only that she hurt me." I'm I'm I'm talking like so I mean, like everything that could be wrong was wrong with that. But then I said, "I have to tell you this. I was on Rosh Hashanah and we sat next to each other in the shul and we didn't exchange a view. The whole entire prayer, I was waiting for her to finish. I don't talk in shul to say "Hatima tova." But it didn't happen and that's when I realized, "Oh my god, this is messed up." So, 2 days before Yom Kippur, I took all of the strength that I had. You know, when you send a voice message or a chat and you totally know you're going to regret it, so you send it quickly. And then you go and erasing it, but you see it says "Delete for yourself" and it doesn't give you the option of "Delete for everyone." So, you know it's too late. So, I I I said, "Listen, this this this this this and that, but I cannot live in a world where you sit next to me and we didn't even say "Hatima tova." And I was so petrified of what she was going to say. And then suddenly she answered me, "I want you to know that you are much bigger person than I thought you were. And I cannot even believe that after everything you overcame and you're even asking me for forgiveness. And that was it. We're maybe not going to be the best friends forever, but that was it. And all it took was a little bit I'm I don't want to say it cuz I'm not really a humble person, but a little bit of humility. That's all it takes. Now, I do want to say that there was something else with a different person and I tried six times, even more than what God says you have to try. And the other person not only rejected me, also insulted me and hurt me in every single way possible. And that's it. Sometimes you did your best, but I'm going to go into our point soon. But I realized that was it. But you know what happens when there's an issue? Everyone is like, "But why should I go to her? Why should I do this? She said something to me. She hurt me. Why should I be the one? The other person has to do it." And we think it's always about who's at guilt. But I'm here to tell you a whole entire different concept. By the way, one of my favorite line says, "The humble person is busy with what's right. The arrogant person is busy with who's right." You know, I don't know if you know this, but in Israel, much more people die of car crashes than they die of terrorist attacks, okay? I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but Israelis are crazy. They drive like crazy and they always make sure that you know that you messed them up. THERE'S NEVER A TIME THAT you skip and you will not see the other person looking at you like, you know? And then there's the ones, these are the scary ones. I don't know how they do this, but then they make sure that if you skip them without putting your light because you didn't notice or you're in a hurry to get somewhere, they will go in front of you and then go very slow so you're bumper to bumper and they really want you to crash their car. But you don't want to, you know, cuz you're nice. I wonder who's at fault then, but fine, we will leave it at that. Anyways, so one year, you know, they had a line. If I could live I don't want to say if I could live by one line because I think I should live by this line, but it's just like the hardest line to live by in the world. They did a campaign so that people wouldn't wouldn't crash. And uh you know, in case you haven't noticed, but you do live in Israel, but I mean I don't know if Rehavia is considered Israel. No, I'm joking. You're like, "I made aliyah. Rehavia is Israel even though everyone speaks English, but fine." Anyways, I don't I don't know if you noticed, but one of the core character traits of the Israeli personality is ego. I love it actually, you know, but because Israelis in like the good way, you know, they say it as it is. You know, they're not like hypocrites. They don't like, you know, stab you on the back. But in general, the Israeli view is is my way, is my highway, is my everything, you know, it's like you need to go to a macolet. There's nowhere to park. Where do you park? On the street. On the street. And everyone's away for you. It's an amazing thing. I love it. One time I went to change my my flat tire, and I'm talking so nicely to a person, you know, in Israel people are not like super So my my American students, they always go like, "This guy asked me for my number." I'm like, "Cuz they mistake politeness with flirting." It's You know, that's just the way that it goes. So I'm like talking to a guy, and I'm Spanish, so it makes me extra cute. Even though when I listen to myself in in recording, I'm like, "Wow, I sound like feisty." But uh anyways, Spanish people are extra cute. So uh this guy was like changing my tire, and suddenly he goes He treats all of these people, and then he goes like, "Sliha." I'm like, "Adon Adon Adon Adon." And he goes like, "They're all yelling at me, so I have to" "You're putting me aside cuz I'm not yelling? Cuz I know how to yell. You ask my children. I'm professional." Do you want me to yell? Anyways, so uh one year they did a campaign so that people would have Listen to this line. This is the most profound line I've ever heard in my life. You know what this line said? "Your tertof leot chacham mileot tzadik." It is better to be smart than to be right. Is it your, you know, way of passage, the zebra crossing? Yes, it is, but sometimes they're going a little bit quick, you know? Is it like people shouldn't cross? Oh my god, now that they're building the Kallah. Listen, I think the government should give tickets to anyone that doesn't cross on the zebra crossing. I don't want to offend anyone, but especially if you're you wear all black. HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO SEE YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WHEN you're jumping the little bridge thingy, and then one time I was going to a gym, I had to go on time. This woman, she decided she's a camel, she went on and then she fell on the floor. Okay, anyways, thank god I have very good reflex cuz I almost killed her, but uh Listen, YOU IS IT YOUR RIGHT OF PASSAGE WAY? OF COURSE IT'S YOUR RIGHT OF PASSAGE WAY. A VAL, do you want to lose your life? There was once a horse. He went down to the river, he wanted to drink water. And he will goes to a river and he sees there's another horse. So he goes like, "Hey, it's my space." So he goes Okay, I can't do this for a long time then I'm not going to have a voice. And the other horse gets feisty and he goes Anyways, so they're and they're fighting. So this horse gives up, this one doesn't want to leave, so he moves. He moves to the other side. And then what happens? He goes And the other one goes You know, you see how this goes? If you want to If anyone had Do YOU HAVE A BETTER a horse voice? MY FRIEND FROM THE GOT ON ME. SHE'S MY FRIEND, BUT SHE'S now not concentrated. But it's okay, anyways. But uh right? So then what happens suddenly? Suddenly we all know how the story goes, we cannot understand the horse saw his own reflection. He was he he was his own enemy. And by the time he got to drink water, THE WATER WASN'T GOOD. WHO are you hurting? You remember when you were young? Hopefully we don't do this anymore cuz we're older. But you remember when you were young and you didn't speak to your friend cuz she didn't call you Saturday night. You know what I'm talking about? Or then you didn't speak to your sister-in-law cuz she took your maid. Who lost what? I remember one time I wasn't talking to my mom, and then God made it that I had a flat tire, and then I go check and I have two flat tires. And I call my mom. And she goes, "Oh, you remember my number." You know? I go like, "Whenever you don't talk to your mom, God makes it like you have a flat tire." Okay, I know. That should change the tire, but in my family, moms change the tire. But, like who who's losing out? You're losing out with your without your best friend for 6 months. You're not talking to You're not talking to But, not only that, all of that time for the 6 months, you're like, "She doesn't even care about me. How could we have ever been friends? How could I have made such a mistake?" How many times do we do this in marriage? We're fighting the whole entire time. Wait, so the way that I see it is either you're married, or you make that choice to not be if it's not something that could be fixable. But, if you're going to be in it miserable, like haval. Mamash haval. Who's going to be on something that they're miserable? Just go on your OWN WAY. BUT, NO. We like being miserable. Why? Because I want to be right. That's the whole entire point about everything. I want to be right. I want to make a point. I need to But, you're not being right. You're being sodic. But, you're not being chacham. You're missing out on everything. And I want to take you to the next level cuz this is really where it gets important. We think that we forgive for others. And we forgive for ourselves, but that's not true. You know, if I would ask you, "Why do you do chesed?" Most of us would say because there's needy people, people need kindness. You know, the Torah actually teaches us that that's not why you do chesed. Where do we learn it from? The master of chesed, Avraham Avinu. He had a Brit Milah. Where Where was he sitting? In the mid-pesach. At 90, at 100 years old, without anesthesia, he was sitting on the mid-pesach. Why? Because he felt so bad that he wasn't doing Hesed. Now, listen Abraham, you could take a day break. Yes? But Abraham understood something that's very, very important. You don't do Hesed because someone needs your Hesed, you do Hesed because you want to You need to do Hesed. Because all of the time that you're not improving yourself, all of the time that you're not giving, you're not being godly. And you know what happens when no one needs your Hesed? Out of sight, out of mind. So then what? The rest of your life you're going to be selfish? You know, I always say in my class that ultimate Hesed is really selfish. But it's not like selfish like ego selfish. It's like when you go to a mom's class and they tell you, "Taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do for your children." You know, that kind of selfish. The most important kind of selfish. Because at the end of the day, I want to be godly. I don't give to you because you need. By the way, I'm not going to give this class right now, but I just want you to really, really think about this because this is going to change your whole entire perspective of mitzvot. If you only giving to a poor person because Hazito, he's poor, then when you don't see them, you don't give to him? But then you also feel with ego, because I gave to him. I saved his life. I'm sorry to break this to you, God really doesn't need you at all. God could make it that burgers fell from heaven. You know, in the Bible, which I studied for the Bible context, you know, there were times that there was a period of famine for years. And in one second, there there's like a whole entire party in the you know, Malachim. I mean, one second, that was so much water that the wheat was SOLD FOR I DON'T KNOW HOW EXPENSIVE it was. Do you understand? In one second. God doesn't need you. But you miss out. You missed out on being the messenger. Every morning we say, Ve'al taslichenu leyezer hara vetaslichenu leyezer hatov. You're not responsible of THE OUTCOME. NO ONE needs you. But you ask Hashem, let me be your messenger. And if I could tell you what free choice is about, at the end of the day, free choice is about whether you want to choose to be an expression of God's will in this world. Whatever God wants will always be. Do you want to be a part of how he does it? Do you want to be a part of how he runs this world? If I would ask you, why do you use skirts? You know how many girls come to me and they go like, "Listen, I really want to do the mitzvah mitzvah of tzniut, but I don't understand it. Can you explain it to me?" Now, obviously, that mitzvah you don't understand. That's so funny cuz I think that mitzvah makes a lot of sense. But fine, you know. And the first thing I tell them, and they always get mad at me, is you don't keep tzniut because it makes sense. You keep tzniut because it's a commandment. Like any other commandment. And really, this is the way that you should train yourself. This is the way that we all should train ourselves. I know it's very hard, but the first commandment says, "I am God." And that's a good enough commandment. If God is God, then you have no opinion, no saying. And at the end of the day, if God is God, then I should submit myself to God's will. Really, the first commandment is everything that you need. You know, that was Adam's challenge. You know, when Hashem said to Adam, think about this. When the snake said to Adam, to to Hava, or whatever, they're the same what? Because God knows that on the day that you will eat from the tree, you will be like God. Do you think that that challenge was to not eat from the tree? To not eat the apple? No. You know what was that challenge? Listen to the words. You know what the snake said? Why serve God when you could be God? You ever saw the movie Aladdin with your you know, when you were a child, with your children? You know what Jafar the whole entire movie? Why serve the genie when I could be Jafar, the ultimate genie in the world. By the way, I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but let me ask you a question. Is there anything that we could be improving right now? I'm not talking about something that's out of your league. You know, wearing bulletproof stockings. I don't even know if you will have to, but you know, let's say that. Is there anything right now that's on your league? On your league that you would be able to not even make that call. Could you? Yes? Why don't you do it? Why don't you do it? If I would ask you for your reasons, there are some of you that will say nicer reasons, nicer looking reasons. I'm not ready, you know, I I I want to feel it. I like I I I love that one. I want to feel it, you know? Does anyone ever feels like they want to exercise? No, they don't. Whoever tells you they do, they're lying. I exercise every day of my life. Every day before I exercise, I'm like, maybe I'll pretend I have an injury, you know? Every day. Does anyone ever feels like they want to eat after they're starving? You have No, okay, yes, you want to eat ALL THE TIME. WHAT YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY. WHY DON'T WE DO IT? I don't feel like it. I don't agree. It's too hard. I'm not ready. That's all I I I I. It's all called ego. I'm going to tell you a line. Remember this line forever. This line will change your life. You know what was the test of Adam? That's the test that is every test that we have comes down to this test. Do you choose you or do you choose God? That's it. Do you choose you or do you choose God? Who do you choose? Most of the times we choose us. Most of the time. So, yes, you were right, but did you win? Did you do anything? And I want to tell you something. You don't ask forgiveness because you hurt someone. And you don't ask forgiveness because they hurt you because then you would for sure not You don't ask forgiveness. You ask forgiveness because it's the godly thing to do. In the same way as you use a square cos goteto and you do heser cos goteto. Because the more that I can let go of my ego, the more that I can submit myself and erase myself, then the more that I can give myself to God. But if there is a part of me that it's waiting to be seen, where is my space? So that's great. You can occupy space, but then you're not going to leave any space for God. And when I realized this, this changed everything to me. Now, I don't want you to understand. There are things that take me a long time. Because you know, as much as you forgive, hurt is hurt. And if you have ever really been hurt by someone, there's layers of hurt. You know what I'm saying? There's what they do, but then there is what they could have done. There is what they were doing the whole entire time that you didn't know. And for me, when when I realized so many things, I was just like, "Oh my God. Like all of this time." You know, it's like terror story and you're like, "This is what I was living and I didn't even understand." But then I understood something else and this is really what I want to teach you today. I'm going to say something and it's going to be very heavy. But I have to say it because at the end of the day, this is everything. Sickness comes from God. Death comes from God. Hurt also comes from God. People make a choice to hurt you. But no one can hurt you if God doesn't want you to hurt. I know that what I'm saying is very hard. It's very hard. Like I I I get emotional. Because then you have to make peace with a different idea, which is even harder. Why would you want me to hurt? Why? I can understand sickness because sickness is not, you know, attached necessarily to your actions. It could happen. It could be a capela. But when people hurt you, it directly hits who you are. Because there's in all hurt there is degrading, there is rejection, there is embarrassment, there is So it's not like, okay, this happens to me. This is against me. Do you know what I'm talking about? Personal. It's very hard. And there is some hurt that we can't wrap around our heads as to how a God who is so merciful. You know, it's like incredible. I see that the the the videos of the Hutu female and they say I'm not I'm not, you know, like I don't want revenge. And you're like, wow, how could they do that? But I understand them. Because in a way they believe that Hamas was indoctrinated to hate them. So I'm not saying they excuse them. I'm saying that if we were Hamas, maybe we would do the same thing. But when it's the parents and when it's the friends and when it's a Jew any Jew You know, when you were little, I don't know if you had this, but I for sure had this. When you were little and you think Jewish people cannot hurt other people cuz they're just Jewish. I remember the first time I came to Israel and I was like looking at jails. I was like, what are what is all of these jails for? Palestinians? Like I had no idea. And they were like, no, for Jewish people. I was like, who does that? You know, just like last week, 2 weeks ago, one Jew spied for Iran. Are you for real? Like are you messed up? It's like the money worth it? Like how could this be? Like And when it comes directly from someone that hurts you, that loves you Oh my God, that is like did you ever love me? And then it comes, am I not lovable? Do I not deserve? The the Was I never what I thought I was? Was this never what I thought I was? And it's very hard. I'm not going to I Listen, I'm not going to take this away. There's nothing harder than accepting it and then understanding but I what I do want you to understand is can anything ever happen to you if God doesn't want it to be? Yes or no? When Moshe went to Hashem and said to Hashem, "Who am I to go to Paro? I have no mouth." What did God say? "Who do you think gave you the mouth?" And by the way, just to show you, when Paro spoke, he became mute. I could give you the mouth, I could take away the mouth. When someone wanted to kill him, when someone came to a prophet Eliyahu and cursed him, on the second he became frozen. How many times did you want to do something to someone for good or for bad and it didn't happen? What? God doesn't have the strength to stop you? God doesn't have God can do anything. God can do anything. The hurt the choice to hurt comes from people. But the hurt itself comes from God. Now again, I don't understand why. You come to my Tuesday class. This is what we're teaching the whole entire year, emunah. But if you cannot accept that, then you didn't do Rosh Hashanah. And that's what I understand now. You know why Yom Kippur comes after Rosh Hashanah? Cuz on Rosh Hashanah you're saying, "God, you're my king." But then you don't do that. But then you don't you don't let go. You have so many questions, so many demands, so many objections. You have All right. You know when the real crowning happens, real crowning can only be expressed through forgiveness. Cuz you know what forgiveness is? Forgiveness means acceptance. Forgiveness means you completely let go of your need of control. That's literally what forgiveness is about. It's very hard for us to forgive. It's very hard for us to let go of our pain. You know when people have gone through a lot of pain, they always hold on to their pain. It's like they're always talking about it and they always make sure that you know this. And you know, sometimes I have this also. I feel like when you have been in a lot of pain, first of all, I have to say this, it pays to be a victim. When people are miskinah, poor poor people, people help them. You know, it's I go out and see, we're in the middle of the war, victims of the war in in any scenario, not only people that were in the war, but you know, wives of miluim or this or that, they get a lot of help. You know, as a single mother I could tell you, I know plenty of single mothers. Okay, maybe some of them get help. I know some that don't get any help at all, but no one sees them as a cause to help. Why? Because you decided they deserve it, cuz they chose. No, this is what most people decide. Whatever, I'm not going to go into this because I'm not talking about all of this stuff, but what I do want to say is there are so many people that are suffering, but but in silence. So, you feel like if you say it out loud, then people are going to help out. So, sometimes we want to say it out loud, maybe someone will see me. Maybe I will not be invisible anymore. Maybe someone will be there for me because those people that everyone can see their pain, you know, I always say it's so hard to be religious. Because some pain you can share. You can share what happened with Hamas, but you can't share what happened with your family members. Because it's lashon hara. You know what I'm saying? Kashay. And sometimes you can't share it because your children will not get married. Which anyways, you should share what needs to be shared in order to help anyone, but that's not the point. And sometimes you can't share it cuz the shame that shame weighs more than anything in life, and therefore you can't share it. I envy people that can share their pain and get the help that they need. I envy them in a certain way. Cuz I feel like I know the truth and it's going to stay with me forever, and it's just so hard because then no one sees you. When you have an experience that you can't share, other people can carry it with you. But when you can't share it, you're carrying it alone, and that's the hardest thing in life. But at the same thing I At the same time, I understand something else, which is we like to be in pain because then we we think we're in control. If I can, you know, say that that person hurt me, then I can make them pay. Then I can say that. No, no, you can't. No, you can't. And you think that all of the time, and this is where it gets really heavy, that you're holding on to our pain, then not only are you in control of that pain, you have this false sense that you could do something about it. That you can change it. No, you can't. It happened. It's there. You can't change it. You cannot change it, but you're holding on to it. But you know what's happening? You don't even realize it. You're holding on to your past, and you're making your past in imprison your present, imprison your future. One of my favorite books in the world, after my book, which I think it's very special and I want you to read it. Mine is also Torah, but there's an incredible book called The Choice. I I think many people have read it by Dr. Edith Eger. I'm going to give you a devar Torah on the title of that book that you're going to say this is the most powerful line I've ever heard in my life. I don't know if Dr. Edith Eger meant it like that, but one day we'll meet, and I'll tell her, and she'll be like, I love your devar Torah. But before I tell you my devar Torah on her book called The Choice, if you ever read the book, she pretty much was a teenager at 16. She was meant to be a prima ballerina. She was meant to be in the Olympics. She had a boyfriend, and then at 16, she went into Auschwitz. And she went out at 20. And the whole entire point of the book is about how she wasn't free from Auschwitz until much later because she could never let go of the life that she lost by being an aspect. She even tells you she married her husband and then she divorced him but then she married him again. Because she never married him, she married him wanting him to be her high school sweetheart who he's never going to be because they're not the same person. And then when she married him again, she was like now I can finally love you cuz now I can see you. And from 20 to 40, she was just she says the most bitter person in the world cuz she wasn't a prima ballerina but then she realized, "Oh my god, Hitler took away 4 years of my life. I took away 20 years of my life." To make the story short, she became a psychologist, she's top psychologist in America. She finishes all of her speeches at age 93 giving a high kick. Anyways. And in my opinion, you know, this is why the book is called The Choice. Anyone taking notes? You want to take notes of this line I'm going to say or follow me on Instagram, maybe I'll do a video on that. But anyways, I realized, you know why the book is called The Choice? Because in life, we blame ourselves for the choices we made when we had no choice but we don't free ourselves by making the choices we can make when we have a choice. You heard what I just said? I'll say it again. In life, we blame ourselves for the choices we made when we had no choice but we don't free ourselves by making the choices we can make when we have a choice. How many of us blame ourselves for everything that happened to us in our childhood? I don't care how much of a hyperactive crazy kid you were, I literally don't care. All children deserve to be loved. All children deserve to be seen. And if you were in a family that didn't see you, has nothing to do with you. But we blame ourselves forever. Forever we said we were messed up. We didn't like us. Our, you know, whatever it was, people blamed us. You were just such a hard child. No, I was just a child. Someone that goes through abuse, they blame themselves forever. If I wouldn't have done, if I wouldn't have wear this, if I wouldn't have done this. People have a choice. How many people do you see in the street? You know, you you you crash your car on Shabbat. If I How many people drive on Shabbat and they not crash? How many people are Whatever it is. And even if you could have done better, you didn't do better because you didn't you couldn't have done better. I know that we all think we could have. It's very easy to see it after the thing happening. You know, one of the questions that people always ask me is, "Why didn't you get out before? Why didn't" And I'm like, "That's like asking someone in the Holocaust, why didn't you get out before?" I don't know. Because human beings are innocent. Because we want to see the good in others. Because we we want to trust other people, because we don't want to live in a world where we constantly have to check all our steps. I really want to say this, it's not cuz we're stupid. It's really not cuz we're stupid. It's really coming from a place that you hope for good and you don't want to believe that human beings can do something that is so hard. But it's very easy to ask to someone that didn't get out of the Holocaust, why didn't you get out? Would you have gotten out? You know, I say it all the time, when when you going through a challenge and there's people that give you the emunah and then they judge your emunah. There's nothing that drives me more crazy than that. Well, why don't you accept it with good Are you having my challenge right now? Because if you would, I'm not so sure that you would react in the way that I react. And you know who taught me that? My rabbi taught me that. When I went through all of these tragedy and difficult things, oh my god, I'm telling you, I had a lot of my kids looks that were not nice looks. And then it was killing me because apart from going through all of this pain, I'm also inflicting all of this pain. I'm also And then you're a terrible mother, you're a terrible person, you're a terrible Oh my god. And then my rabbi kept on saying to me, "You know what a hero you are?" I don't want to say that I believe this. This is what he says. He's obviously just trying to make me feel good. He goes like, "Do you know what people would have done in your scenario?" And suddenly he had me see that I'm a human being, that I'm a person. And you know what? Life is hard. And when you're carrying the whole of the world in your arms, sometimes you're going to yell at people and you're going to be angry. And you know what I realized, and this is the next thing that I want you to understand from my class, if you cannot learn how to forgive others, you cannot forgive God. And if you cannot forgive God, you cannot forgive yourself. You do it in whatever order you want. Because why can't you forgive others? Because you don't understand their disability, their difficulty, their pain, their hurt. But you also are holding them accountable for something that God decided was going to come to you. God decided. Now again, I want to say this. I want to make sure I say this. People are accountable for their choice. But the hurt, that belongs to God. I hold people accountable that hurt me for not getting help, for not understanding that they needed help, for not awakening to their wake-up calls. But even then, I realize that I also don't wake up to all of my wake-up calls. Even then, I understand that changing is so hard. You know how many times I say I'm going to go to sleep early and then I don't? Many times, like last night. Anyways, you know, cuz change hurts. And then you start a diet on a Monday and the whole entire day you ate cottage cheese. But then on a Tuesday it was a hard day and you needed a chocolate. And And I Can I be honest with you? Life is hard. Just eat that chocolate. And maybe tomorrow you'll be skinnier and if you're not, at least you ate that chocolate and you were happy for a little bit. I I do want to say that. I think sometimes we just need the chocolate. You know? And when I understand that, I can forgive God. Because I understand God, it is you. You know, the Zohar says that when a person gets angry, they're like a stupid dog. No offense to all of your puppies, especially if you're from South Africa or Australia. Anyways, what I'm going to say is so profound. The Zohar says when you get angry, you're like a stupid dog. You know what happens if you take a stick and you hit the dog? What is the dog's immediate reaction? Huh? It what? The sticks? It bites the stick. Listen. The sto- the dog's narrow vision doesn't allow them to see that there's someone holding the stick. The stick didn't do anything. The stick was just the messenger. Now, I do want to say this. If I ever hurt someone, it's because I'm hurt. It's not a good excuse, but when you have some garbage inside, you will unload. Usually not in the nicest of places. Usually by the people you love the most. You know what I'm saying? And this is why my book is called Stop Hurting, Start Healing. Cuz unless you heal, you will hurt forever. Because you will hurt yourself by hurting other people. But when God holds the stick, it's only for your benefit because God doesn't need to prove his power, doesn't need to lift up his self-esteem. We all know we do this. We all know you punish we punish our children. Why? You spoke to Mommy like this? Is that the way you speak to Mommy? Let's be honest. It bothers us because how could you speak to mommy like that? I'm going to show you who's mommy. We all do that. We all want to say the nasty thing to the other person. Because then it makes us feel empowered even when we're asking for forgiveness. You know, that's why when you do we do it. What do you say? And then we tell the king. What is the word of all? Of all, but we're not talking. You know why? Because God says every time you say sorry, you say I'm sorry that I offended you both. But this time and both. That's literally why the of all is there. Both, you're not allowed to say that you haven't seen. We all sin. We all do the wrong thing. BUT IT'S OKAY BECAUSE WHAT WE SAID LAST TIME WAS I SHALL want you in the world even IF YOU'RE MAKING A MESS BECAUSE IT'S SO MUCH MORE FUN WITH YOU. MOMS WANT TO COOK WITH THEIR CHILDREN EVEN THOUGH THEY DROP ALL OF THE EGGS. They do. But can you understand that if you don't recognize that then you're not going to get better? And that's the thing. Can you understand? Just as God can hold on when you're messing up because he sees you, can you see other people? And most importantly, can you see yourself? I literally understood and for me that's what Yom Kippur is about this year. Yom Kippur is about forgiving myself. Because all of the choices that I made when I had no choice have not allowed me to live my life in peace because I'm constantly feeling guilty and I'm constantly feeling ashamed and I'm constantly feeling and you know what? When you feel very bad about yourself, there's no way that you're doing the right thing. You know, you just give up. That Torah actually says this. Leo learn a person should always see himself like he's on the middle book. The benoni. So I was telling my kids on Rosh Hashanah I was like, you know what that means? So I told them imagine you have 50 minutes what? 50 sins. This is how you have to see yourself. So then I said to my kids, "What happened if you do a mitzvah?" So my 7-year-old says, "Then you have more mitzvot." Then I said, "No, not in the Torah. Leolam." Forever you have to see yourself like if you are half half. You know why? Because if then I have a little bit of mitzvot, I could relax. But wouldn't it be super nice if I just think I have a lot of sins, then I'm going to get it going cuz I'm always going to want to try to do the right thing. No, you won't. Because you will just think that the avalanche is too close and therefore you have no idea where to start in order to to close it. It's just too big. And therefore God says, "Never look at yourself as being wrong." And for me, that's what Yom Kippur is about this year. It's not like you're being wrong. You you did wrong things. But when you did them and I I I want to say this, you know, you wouldn't judge a kid that has a special need in the bus when they're yelling at you. Imagine someone has Tourette's and they're yelling at you. Would you judge them? No, that that that guy can't hold it. Sometimes your soul is in so much pain goes out. Sometimes people have emotional disabilities. We respect people with physical disabilities. We should also know sometimes people have emotional disabilities. Now, I have to finish soon, but I do want to say this. I think I have to finish soon. We'll finish soon. Right? If you can't forgive, you didn't do Rosh Hashanah. And if you can't forgive others, at the end of the day it comes down that you're not forgiving God. So how can you say that he's the king? How can you ask him for forgiveness when you're being so judgmental of him? Of everything that he does. Forgiveness is not for anyone else except for you. The same way I do hesed cuz I want to be godly, I forgive cuz I want to let go of all of the trash that I have in my life. You know, the Torah says that when Lot was being expelled from Sodom and Gomorrah, I have many things to say, but I will finish with this idea. Forget my book. But when Lot was in Sodom and Gomorrah, the angel said to him, "Do not look back." Because if you look back, you're going to be like a statue of salt. What's the problem with looking back? You know, the original yetzer hara in the world was called the snake. You know how you say snake in Hebrew? You say nachash. Nachash comes from the verb lenachesh, which means to second-guess. You know what's the greatest yetzer hara in the world? I could have. What if? You know that those two words? What if? Listen. What if doesn't exist? Because you can't go back and change it. But you know what what if does? It doesn't let you move forward. What if is never applicable? And I'm going to tell you something else because I've dealt with this question so many times in my life. You know, especially let take with marriage. But what But God could have made me not get married. But sometimes God wants you to go through certain challenges. He does. You know, when you're like, "How was I so stupid that I made this choice?" I want to break it to you. You were not stupid. God just made you blind. Because you have to have certain challenges in life. And sometimes God makes you blind. For anyone listening to this, you're not stupid. It was God. He wanted you to go with these things. He wanted you to have it. But what if? What is it going to do to you? You know what Dr. Edith Eger says? Favorite line in the planet. Now you're going to Favorite line in the planet. She says, "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past." You got that? I'll say it again. "Forgiveness is letting go of the hope for a better past." The past is in the past. It happened. You can't change the past. But you can change the present. The choice is make the choices when you can. You can make a choice today. You're a different person. You're not a little 5-year-old anymore. You can. Forgiveness is making peace with life. Making peace with God. Making peace with yourself. You know what the angel told Lot? Don't look back. Cuz that's the one thing Lot wanted to do back then. Why did I ever decided to live in Sodom and Gomorrah? I was with Abraham. And I blew it all for money? You know who also wanted to do this? Adam. You know what Hashem said to Adam when he threw him out of Gan Eden? I'm going to put you Gan Eden mikedem. To the east of Gan Eden. Says the Torah, don't read it as kedem, read it as kadima. To the front. Look to the front. Do you think anyone ever had greater regrets in their life than Adam did? I mean, the guy literally messed up all of Hava. Gan Eden. But you know what God said? The past is in the What's done is done. Like, move on. Move on and learn from it. It's like one of my favorite lines. It made it into my book, but I forgot it now. But you ever saw You ever saw The Lion King? And you know Rafiki comes to Simba and says, "Remember. Remember." And then he hits him. I said, "Why did you do that for? It hurts." And he says, "Yes, it hurts. But the way that I see it, you can either run from it or you can learn from it." And I You know that line from Rafiki? Wisdom from The Lion King. Like, literally, it's one of the wisest lines in the world. So the angel says to Lot, don't look back. You know what's going to happen if you look back? You're going to become a statue. Do you know how many people you know, we know, are statues? They can't enjoy from anything because of the loss they feel in their lives. Because of the pain they had in their life. I was watching one of the videos of like the Shavei Af that they did with Living L'Chaim and Meaningful People. I fell in love with this man, but I also felt so much pain for this man. He said, "Since my son died, I have no life. All I do every day is to go to kevarim of people and clean their kevarim." Wow, your son died, but you didn't die. But some of us become statues. We don't want to try again. We don't want to live again. We don't want to enjoy again. We don't want to trust again. And that's why you become a statue of salt, cuz salt absorbs all of the joy of life. My message to you at the end of the day is let it go. Greatest song that was ever written in the world. Let it go. Let it go. And I'm going to finish with this line. You know, I told you, you know what was Adam's choice? Really, I was going to say so many more things, but fine. You'll read them in my book or you'll keep up the coming board. What is this? Is this me? No. Fine. I want to finish with one line. What did I say what was Adam's choice? Everyone remembers this line, cuz this was the most powerful line until I told you another powerful line, another powerful one. Now I'm going to tell you the most powerful line, okay? I said the ultimate choice, yes, the choice of Adam was, do you choose you or do you choose God? Everyone remembers that line? Let me tell you a new line. You know what Rosh Hashanah is about? You know what you do in Rosh Hashanah? My wish is yours song, you know? God, my will, your will. Lema'ancha, yes? Give me life for you. Listen to Isaiah. You know what's the ultimate choice? The ultimate choice is to let go of your choice to God. You got what I just said? I'll say it again. The ultimate choice is to let go of your choice to God. Let go of your choice to God. God, God. To Hashem. He's not saying you have no choice. He's not saying you don't care. He's saying I chose. I choose. I choose you. I choose you with everything. It's not like I don't have a choice. It's not like I don't care. I care, but I care about you more. I choose you. And if you are all of this, I choose this package also. Cuz this is you. And I choose this life also cuz this is you. And I choose this pain also. Cuz this is you. And when you can do that, you can have complete complete acceptance, complete joy, complete forgiveness, complete flow. Let it go, letting God. Let it go, letting God. I just want to wish everyone Hashem a Yom Kippur of closeness, of forgiveness, of seeing yourself, of seeing other people. And Hashem in the merit that we're so hard working to let it go, may also Hashem let go of everything that he's holding. And you know, thank you so much. If anyone wants a book, they're 100 shekels. I'll sign it for you. They're beautiful. If no one wants to it's okay. But thank you so much. Anyone has a question, I'll also take it. I gave you a shot