Transcript
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i get a call from a woman and the call
says something like this
rabbi schaefer here i i have a problem
what's the problem
it's my husband okay what's what's the
problem
well he's he's a tamakhakam he learns
he's a responsible father he earns a
living i say so far it sounds pretty
good what's the problem
well the problem is uh the problem is
the problem is i don't love him he's a
great guy
great father everything but i don't love
him what do i do
okay now what do you do in fact when you
get the call
so because i've been around the block
and i've heard that
refrain quite a number of times already
i asked the question
that i always ask i say madam tell me
last month how many times did you and
your husband go out
but going out doesn't mean to about
mitzvot to your mother-in-law to a
social event
how many times did you and your husband
go out as a couple just enjoy each
other's company to be together
the answer is we didn't uh and the month
before
we didn't the month before that we
didn't month before that we did month
before that
i say madam don't you understand you're
two ships in the night
no kidding you don't love your husband
because you're not connecting you're not
bonding
and if you don't spend time as a couple
if you don't spend time talking and
bonding and going out on a regular basis
what's going to happen is you're going
to drift apart
and you could share the same life goals
and you can have the same interest
but one of the key elements to a
successful marriage
is the love and that love has tools one
of the tools is romantic love
yes attraction is very important but
romantic love is the going out the
spending
time the connecting and certainly for a
woman the talking which
probably is more important than for a
husband but that time spent together is
critical
because that's the romantic love and
that's a very important part one of the
tools that bonds
and i have to say this on a regular
basis i have couples
that call me up with problems troubles
and
issues and i believe many many times
it's not the problem it's the
relationship
every marriage is going to have stuff
every marriage is going to have
differences nuances quirks
idiosyncrasies and
two people i don't care how alike they
are and they're going to be so different
and especially because of men and women
that invariably there's going to be
stuff if there's a climate of love in
the marriage it's okay
you find a way around you find a way to
make things work
but if that climate of love begins
eroding
he's a creep and a loser he never did
anything right anything did it right he
did it for the wrong reason
and in a very short amount of time you
guys will be so distant so apart then
the bickering the squabbling the
fighting starts
and even if you're both even tempered
and don't fight believe me the acrimony
is going to be
very very uncomfortable and very
unpleasant
and because i get this all the time i
stand up and i say this radical
statement and i'll say it now again
and i say it's radical because i know
that as i say it people are aghast
they're like it can't be rabbi you can't
be serious but here we go are you ready
i'm going to say that radical radical
statement
and that radical statement is that you
and your spouse should be going out at
least once a week
no rabbi you can't say once we're going
out once a week no you mean once a month
one seat no
once a week as a couple you go out once
a week
but the kids you leave the kids and you
go out once a week
you see as a couple you're supposed to
be having an
ongoing love affair but a love affair
requires spending time
nurturing bonding connecting and if
you're not going out once a week
minimally
guess what you're not connecting now
that's not the totality of it
there's a lot more that three love notes
and kind gestures and
and there are many tools that bond
including friendship and respect
and if you go to the marriage seminar or
if you read the
10 really dumb mistakes that very smart
couples make you'll see
the tools that bond detailed one by one
and but that bond of love has to be
there and if the bond of love
isn't there then you guys are going to
be
toast now again when i say that radical
statement that you should go out once a
week i get pushed back like there's no
yesterday
come on we can't do it it's impossible
it's impossible and because i get it so
often
i have the answers so i'll share with
you the answers that i give
to the pushback pushback is rabbi are
you kidding you know how expensive it is
the babysitter
and and the place to go it's so much
money what do i answer
you're right it's very expensive but
tell me what does it cost for a divorce
lawyer
and the alimony and the running two
households i guarantee
it's a lot cheaper to go out once a week
and a whole lot more fun yeah but rabbi
we
don't have time and we're busy we're
busy my mother started a new job
and i have a full-time job and we just
don't have the time
okay if you're running two households
and you're a single parent each how much
time do you then have
you'll find that if you go out once a
week it's the best time
investment you could possibly make yep
it's not fair to the kids the kids that
bother when we leave and
and rocky doesn't do our homework and
maishi doesn't do it
it's it's not fair to the children they
don't like it okay
so i'll make this as clear as i can the
single
best investment you can make in your
children's welfare
is to have a good marriage you see to
your children especially when they're
littles
you and your husband are the center of
gravity
you are the center of their world and if
mommy and daddy are fighting
then it's like the whole world starts to
tremble does gravity even work anymore
and the walls start falling meaning the
essence the basics of their life is
suddenly
coming apart the single greatest
investment you can make
in your children's happiness in their
being wholesome
individuals is to give them a happy home
and what that means is your marriage
comes first
and if you want a healthy well-developed
family
if you want children who grow up to be
solid citizens
number one your first relationship is
your marriage
and that requires time time is a couple
time bonding
time spend time together
you
