Rabbi Zelig Pliskin - The Guide to Life: Character Refinement

okay welcome everyone today's class number five in our series every class is a separate unit but each class builds on the premises of the other classes and the main idea that all the classes build on is that our thoughts create our present moment and the thoughts that we think are going to build our self-image it's going to create positive emotions or negative emotions and today's classes are me dos development character development our me dos the he will be does the Hebrew word for our character trait literally the word meat amusing measure and note rate is totally positive and no trait is totally negative every trait has its time and place and its amount so whether a trait is positive or negative some are usually positive so I'm usually negative but it's context plays a major role and we're does Vito's character traits play a role in Judaism to build the Gomes famous quote is that our purpose of life is to overcome our negative tendencies and negative patterns and negative trades otherwise what is life for so it's not a minor thing but it's rather our totality of who we are and how we are and how we interact with other people are their traits and traits can really be into categories positive and negative Rambam Maimonides but he talks about me toes development character traits he puts this in the second section he divides all the laws of Judaism all the laws of Torah into eighty-three categories and the first category is your Saudia Torah the foundations of Torah loving God appreciating God right away number two before any laws monetary matters or anything but holidays and any other aspects Rambam taught has a section calls Hill cows de oz de oz is the same as me toes character traits so it deals with the total torah consciousness of developing or positive traits now the ROM BOMs first statement in this section he says Deus Harvey H from the autumn people have very many different traits and people are very different and he gives examples some people get very angry very easily some people rarely get angry some people are very kind and generous some people are very stingy some people very joyful some people very sad and that's it basically this is people are different now the Rambam is a book of law it's not a book of observations social observations but it's a book of law it doesn't seem like he's telling us a long over here just as people are different and I always look at it like this in other ideas of Judaism let's say eating matzah on Passover say myths of everybody not some fat flour water matzo had same it's for everybody chauffeur and Rosh Hashana we blow the chauffeur same it's if everybody when it comes to character development no two people are the same we're all are unique we're all individuals same way we all have unique fingerprints we have unique traits and therefore what one person needs could be totally opposite another person for instance one person might have a low self-image filling down about themselves and he needs to build up his positive sense of self he needs to build up a certain self confidence and courage another person's very arrogant and conceited he needs a little more humility too little balance so what one person needs is to be different somebody else so we all have our unique challenges in life tempers grow and the thought expressed by remotion I'm Lu Tonto he's Kabbalist his major work miss Elie Tahari path Agassi wrote in 1740 and he says that : yoni olam Missy same lotto everything in life is a challenge now first of all here we heard of a telephone going off which is wonderful but every time you hear a telephone ringing we got another opportunity to keep growing in gratitude and every time you hear a telephone ring say I am grateful I'm alive and I can hear right I think a Shamus bars I think creator that gives me yeah I can come alive I have life I can hear so I've met people who get really annoyed if they're talking and some of these telephone rings but when you get in a habit of saying oh that's a reminder I'm grateful reminder of a lot to be grateful for life and hearing so it upgrades your traits and now there's a portent thought of reframing that how we look at anything is the way it's going to affect us we'll deal with this tomorrow when we go elaborate on the treat of anger and we have a class called anger dinner teacher based on my book with that name but that's one trade but if you were dealing with traits in general terrific so right and but you said very valuable me because every situation of course we want people to like us we want to get along with people and that's why this Torah Commandments and how we should speak we should not it's old people not hurt people's feelings however it's always based on subjectively how do I personally take what this person said or did and so yeah one big challenge is also the class number three in the theories was tore attitudes other people and we spoke about the Torah commandment love your neighbors yourself and also we have to have mutual respect respecting other people and that's also so every life situation is an opportunity to help us grow in our character traits sometimes we act the way we wish to act and sometimes we see them I really did improve so now the Rambam before he tells us how do we develop positive traits is where do we get our traits and fascinating hit the bit the Rambam writes about in psychology today that basically the position of the Rambam is still considered the main idea that nature and nurture some traits were born with today we'd say it's a genetic makeup turned in our DNA and some traits we pick up from environment says the Rambam no matter whether we were born with the trait or we picked it up from others we picked it up from watching people's patterns we can do something about it now so this idea we're not stuck with our traits but rather we have free will choice at any given moment how we think how we speak and act because what our traits our traits our patterns of our thoughts feelings words and actions that is four things thoughts feelings words and actions those are our traits so the Robin says though how do you develop a positive trait think about what actions you need to take for instance a person wants to be kind and generous so you need to be kind and generous do many actions of kindness and generosity want to be grateful you want have courage too many acts of courage by taking actions and doing over and over again you develop that trait then the Rambam talks about in second chapter of Hill Coast aoe's this chapter deal with character traits the Rambam talks about what if we have a fault she says normally we need to have a wise balance I'm saying we should the middle way however if we have a fault we should go in the opposite positive direction for a while till we have acted in the positive way over and over again then we can be more balanced then we don't have to reach in the extreme the goal is wise balance those words are very important because sometimes a person asks well if a person is always like this are always like that won't that cause problems and usually dancer whoever asked the question is purely thinking about something that he's right if a person acts too extreme in ways it's gonna be a fall it'll come out counterproductive therefore we need a wise balance and they always say as people who repeat let's repeat what do we keep meaning wise bounce everybody together wise power wise balance wise balance that's so important what wise balance means depends on what person's life is still but what's happening yep like everybody's to know someone like it's like very relaxed relaxed like I always think you know I was out on his hand girls are very worried like just like always worried about things always like you know prettier than like maybe I should be like that like what maybe not want to be like that's not me so maybe I'm just fooling myself and trying to be something I'm not or maybe I'm not maybe really could be you touched on a very important question what is the real me and very hard to know the real a simple reason we all grow up the super weird little infant we don't speak yet we don't act yet and we grew up in environment so we have a mixture you all have genes but we also grow up in environment and we pick up trace no Rambam says that the nature of human being is to be influenced by our environment therefore we should choose a positive environment because we're all going to be influenced and the question is really how much we're going to be influenced very fascinating there's a famous study that Zimbardo did in Stanford they had people volunteers to be some people play the role of prisoners and some prison guards and so Zimbardo claimed that no matter what a person was beforehand environment can transform a person tremendously other people challenged him that he took it to extreme because and not so but we are influenced by our environment what's considered standard what's not going to understand there but our inner sense of self and our how we ideally feel we need to be want to be and all right and because that's a question also what can motivate us to keep improving so before we go into that so we have some from the rum how do we develop a positive trait keep speaking and acting consistently with the positive trait and when you do it over and over again you're creating yourself today with the idea of neural pathways when I first started those 40 years ago the idea of neuroplasticity the fact that you can really change your brain like when I was growing up as a kid they thought children's brains plastic you keep the changing and developing once you get a certain age you're just pretty much stay the same and now they know there's neuroplasticity at any age no matter what a person's 40 50 60 70 80 as long as a person basically functional then you can keep actually changing the structure of your brain through your what you read what you say what you do yes that's exactly what it means and when I was a kid they didn't know that I mean like 60 years ago and a little boy okay so since this year is 2014 of 2014 there's neuroplasticity so matters whoever wrote that then tests what year the test was written and how fans the person's knowledge of the present knowledge within the last 20 years that's 20 years and when a new idea comes along first of all it's like okay it's not total reality but today it's considered standard understanding and they actually show videos of the brain when you think of new for the first time or taking action for the first time you use a neural pathway to that thought or to that action if you repeat it over and over again then it becomes hardwired and it becomes part of you and that's the idea of talent that a lot of things that people look at now you have a natural talent but how we practice plays a big role so when it comes to character traits me those Raman wrote many years ago that we developed our traits and that's totally today that's considered the basic reality of human beings now remember once we had over here there's a fellow came to Asia Torah this was before the first Gulf War and the soul came into a few classes and he afterwards he said came over to me and said you know it is a young lady I'd very much like to marry if you do me a favor talk her into marrying me I didn't know when we just came by a couple days and I said I'm not gonna talk anybody into marrying anybody but if you want I'll call up in your name and this just get feedback what this person's thoughts about you are because he said you want to marry and he told me over in France for a couple years and the other wants to marry her but she says she does want to marry him I said I'll do a fact-finding mission if there's something you can do to improve or something you can change then she would consider marrying you if you give me permission do that that's what you want I'm happy to do it otherwise find somebody else he says I can't find anybody else do it so okay I said call up I said I'm not trying to talk you into anything that fella came by so Tara come to a couple classes what are your issues with this fellow and she said he's very impulsive I can see myself being married to somebody who's so impulsive so what's the office of impulsive being patient so if he learns to be patient would you consider marrying him oh if he be patient I would yeah very much I like him a lot that's that I thought you can't be married to somebody so impulsive baby's patient that's be terrific the next day come back and said bad news and then those bad news is he still doesn't want to marry you but the good news is she said that her issue with you is that you're impulsive she's right I'm very impulsive and but if you learned to be patient she consider marrying you he's as terrific how do I become patient that's exactly what you need to do yes when you want a trait to become integrated and internalize ask how do I do it I told them over there was a statement to the town Matawa tells a story about a great teacher his teachers rabbi prayed up and he had a student who was a little slow and rarely pray to have to repeat every idea 400 times so rabbi Shimon Levites the late head of mere yeshiva used to ISKCON this why didn't rip raid if a student was a little quicker that wouldn't have to repeat it so many times so he said we pray to himself was working on developing his quality of patience so he looked at every repetition has another opportunity to develop more patience so he didn't look I'm wasting my time or penis one at times I am becoming a more patient person sinner fella said terrific okay I now I now to be patient call her up and tell her I'm patient I said are you serious of joking I'm serious you told me I'd impatient if you think you can learn to be patient just by hearing one idea one time without your wait 24 hours you don't have been patient for a whole 24 hours it's called auto impatient okay at least 24 hours your patient that's one day being patient it's not sufficient but thinking you hear an idea and you've integrated and made it part of you it doesn't work like that you have to actually put it into action you have to actually act that way like you you just not Chuck do you do it over and over and over again eventually yes deposit rate that you keep speaking inactive way now the Rambam gives example that's their person is very stingy so in very stingy doesn't like giving it doesn't like sharing with others so take some with you he didn't use dollars of course but if they take $100 bill and divide it up into hundred singles and keep giving out one by one two hundred people this way you keep building up the trait so find ways that you can keep acting in that tray now there's one other way without actually acting that way visualize yourself using the power of imagery to see yourself being the way you wish to be if you speak and act the way you wish to be so even if you do it in your mind it'll be powerful but it's really a work if you do both I mean visualize it and keep acting that way because we're always in the present and in the present we have choice how we think speak and act but we have the ability to do visualize ourself in the future being in the acting speaking in act assist with this new trait also we have the ability of seeing yourself retro actively in the past speaking and acting that way so even if you have let's say hundreds of times you acted a certain way which is now you realize that's not good I really want to speak and act much better right now see yourself in the past speaking and acting in ways that are consistent with this higher way of being and takes practice and then do it over and over again so it's much easier than the prior to love for most people to actually act it out act it out how do we know what traits to develop that's why number 35 of the 48 tools the receiver the head of horeb no Hawaiian burger blessed memory gave a series of classes the 48 ways available in recordings number 35 is loving criticism now how many people really love criticism you imagine somebody saying you know chose such a great guy it's always good to be around Joe because wherever you say or do it'll always find fault always criticize you and so wonderful being around them I know anybody that really gonna say that those that's so most people really are we the same thing we don't like criticism we love criticism so if you've used the word feedback I love feedback now grab North Weinberg the memory used to give the following example let's say a person once to run for president prime minister and there's debates so he needs to practice he's debating skills and get to coach so when the coach point something out how he can improve how I can prove his delivery how he can prove the way he speaks and acts he's gonna be happy for that moreover let's say you have a wallet and you just got a large sum of money and the wallets slipped out of your pocket and somebody says hey stupid idiot you drop your wallet you can say you call me stupid idiot I'm not picking the wallet up just keep walking away nobody's gonna do that if they oh thank you so much even if you don't like the way he pointed out to you of course we want people to point out respectfully but if somebody doesn't we don't we still listen to them because we realize I'm gonna lose my wallet I mean my credit cards anything they have in my wallet similarly he says it's a driving back door of the car in the open somebody says hey well you weren't careful they cut the back door open you're gonna stop the car and I'm gonna say you don't like the way you said that to me I'm gonna keep driving don't you stop because when you really want something and you realize that listening to what this person is telling you is going to enhance your life so you appreciate what the person said and you take it seriously and act consider that so the idea of being open feedback from others yes right because you know that it's good and for instance if you have some of the best coaches they don't have to be especially some football coaches were really tough somewhere some but from the Bharti Trophy Lombardi he would scream and his players tremendously a lot of the things being baby then said that they were just afraid of a body screaming at them and therefore these are professionals and they get paid for it but still they felt I don't want him screaming at me and I better do as good as I can possibly do but you know that's not the way really there's a verse eh but they can with cars hair some people speak it's like a sword they speak harshly the Russians are coming my way the words of the wise heal so when we speak to other people pointing something out we should do it in a way that's healing in a way that's kind hearted and when a person sees hey you mean for their benefit most people be grateful and again depends on context the situation I remember there was a fellow that visit here and he would always notice that in stores what was wrong with the way to store was set up or the store window so he would and you would always think of ideas so I saw him alive I was walking down John for road and he was stopping a few stores he seemed over to the owners so you know what you have in the window this and this he'd be so much better off doing it like this hardly anybody took him seriously and to pay somebody with his expertise because he had a very good eye and he knew what he was talking about but most people found them very annoying and so that and so on the receiving end though the goal is to be able to if you want to grow and develop to appreciate it at least the thing another way to learn to grow is reading biographies of great people when we read biographies of great people we see how they spoke how they acted because nobody can be exactly like anybody else we all should be ourselves you each of us is unique however we can learn from everyone aids o Hussam who's wise a lie made me other learning from every single person so every time we see a person with a positive trait we can learn from it moreover when we see a Fault in another person usually we're gonna have some aspect of that fault we do find the sage to say call a PO sill the Mumma PO so if a person finds fault with others they'll usually find fault with themselves things that are in themselves that's what they're gonna see faulty and another person so if you see something that bothers you another person says in what way do I have this pattern and sometimes person say oh I don't have this negative pattern you won't have the exact same way this person has it but you'll have in some way so we need to keep learning from everyone and learn positive things and positive traits from other people and learn what to avoid learn what to not do and we think of traits it's really worthwhile going down the alphabetical order ABCD each letter has traits and then you can think of qualities different qualities and point is seeing positive traits and other people helps you respect other people more helps you like other people more and so see what traits do you respect what traits do you appreciate and even what traits would you like I'd say if you could choose any positive traits what positive traits would you choose to make part of you and that way you can keep building up these are some traits I feel real important for me that's what you want to keep developing and integrating so the idea of nito's development character development it's a major topic and it it's relevant all the time and we have to keep growing it's like when do you finish the job of developing your meet oh so you never finish so some people say you know and never finished and while it seems to starting and that's why the sages say Pirkei avos ethics of the fathers lo elohim willing where you can complete the all the things we can do to do in this world you're not gonna complete it via Tobin Horrell about the minute but you're not a free agent to say because I'm not going to complete it I won't be perfect I'm not even gonna try don't aim for perfection aim for progress and then we say joy for progress joy for progress joy for progress that we should feel joy for every little bit of a improvement in every way and by otherwise the person can be discouraged to be overwhelmed there's so much to do and so much to take care of keep focusing go on how you can grow and improve you