Rabbi YY Rubinstein - Dating & Marriage

Welcome everyone. This is a very special evening. We have the great honor to hear from Rabbi YY Rubinstein momentarily. Being presented by Khazak, Beit Eliyahu. We'd like to thank Beit Eliyahu for partnering together with this very special evening. We'd like to thank Zoya, Rabbanit Devorah from the shul, always working together for opening the shul, for all the great work they do for the community. Today's shiur is being dedicated to Zechor Neshama Chaim ben Ovadia ben Shimon ben Ovadia. And also for Slicha for the family. This is the first of hopefully many monthly shidduchim events and programs. And everyone who Anyone wants to get involved, hear about more events, obviously sign up. Or you can reach Or you can see any of the shidduchim or anyone at the front table. And if you email us at [email protected] for more information. And This is one of many programs and initiatives that Khazak does for the community. Organizes amazing shiurim and events like tonight. Giving communities Khazak's main mission to help Jewish public school students transfer to yeshiva. As we know, there's thousands and tens of thousands of Jewish public school students unfortunately in public school. And everyone who's watching right now, or watching online, if you know anyone who has children in public school, they should transfer to yeshiva. Reach out to Khazak. And it could definitely be a great merit for you and your family. And everyone Why Why did you get a raffle ticket? Cuz after the Right after the rabbi speaks, we're going to announce all the raffle winners. And you'll get your raffle prize over at the wins and the table in the front over there. And we'd like to thank all the shidduchim for volunteering their time for being tonight's event. And right after the lecture, there will be all the shidduchim will be downstairs. If anyone wants to meet the shidduchim, and there'll be food right downstairs. We'd like to thank Rifka Meir, Lidiya Mosheyev, Rachman Soleimani, Nathan Aboff, Mrs. Betty Aboff for their help in putting together tonight's event. Um rabbi put out an amazing book, The Great Jewish Women Then and Now. It's available for purchase at the table right over there right after the lecture. And it's our great great honor to call upon Rabbi Wallerstein. Thank you, Robbie, as usual. I would like to express my own thanks to the synagogue and of course to Khazak and to Torah Anytime, who I think are recording this for us. And and for you for coming along. Uh I should tell you it's very nice of Robbie to point to my new book, Truly Great Jewish Women Then and Now. As we're talking about marriage, I just want you to know that you should have this book. Particularly if you're a man. Why? It's called Truly Great Jewish Women Then and Now. It goes through some of the great Jewish women women of Tanakh, tells their story with new chiddushim, new insights, and then tells the story of a contemporary Jewish woman whom I knew who walked in her footsteps. It's very inspiring. Now, you guys, I assume, are not yet married. That's why you need this book. You buy it and you keep it hidden in a drawer till you get married. And the first time you upset your wife and she isn't speaking to you, then you take out and say, "Oh, honey, I was walking past this bookstore and I saw the name Truly Great Jewish Women Then and Now. I immediately thought of you and I bought it. That's why That's why you should That's why you should have that. Yeah, and again with the estelazekher nishmat Chaim ben Ogul, his neshama should have been a liar. I heard somebody outside as I was coming in and saying to his friend that he's looking forward to hearing Rabbi YY Jacobson. This is something which happens all the time. In fact, there's a couple I'm very friendly with in Toronto and they seem to be fans of mine. So, they said to another couple they're very friendly with, you've got to go and hear this guy. He's really good. And so, they persuaded them all six bought tickets to fly from Toronto to New York. They got to the taxi. They got onto the ship which was because they'd seen the advertisement I was doing a lecture at a week's cruise from New York to the Bahamas in the Caribbean. And when they got onto the boat, that's the first time they read the poster properly. And it said YY Jacobson. So, it happens all the time. So, for those who've come to hear YY Jacobson, I'm sorry. I'm the tall handsome one, he's not. And uh And second, and secondly, I have to say that I'm so excited to see the young people because last week after Shabbat, I was supposed to I won't mention which shul, but there's another synagogue and the people there are it was the the seniors in the synagogue. They were old people. And it was because they were scared of COVID, this new COVID thing that's apparently not such a big deal, baruch Hashem. And because this new COVID thing, they decided because they were nervous and they're very old it would be a good idea instead to have it over Zoom. Zoom is a terrible way to teach. I don't know if you've ever been to Zoom sharing. There I was all those little pictures of all those people and the old the lady who's an older lady said to everybody, could you please mute your microphones cuz she didn't know how to do that cuz the person in charge can mute everybody's microphone. And of course, you see the pictures of all the people who are joining. You know about this stuff. Uh but of course, people who are there by telephone, they don't there's no picture. Halfway through the show, it you know and when somebody speaks, you know the little box lights up, the little box lights up, yeah? The little box from the telephone lights up at the bottom. Somebody says, "This guy's so boring." "I can only understand half of what he said." Wow. Anyway, so because old people have no embarrassment about expressing the fact they're not happy, right? So, but I think it might be due to the fact he can only hear every second word and probably is not used to my accent and I'm only telling him that story so I can quickly check, "Are you understanding me?" Yes. Yes? Then we can get down to business and talk about tonight's show, which of course is dating and marriage. So, let me tell you a story. Incidentally, I've got a bit of a cold, so if I'm a bit of a throaty, I do apologize. But many years ago when I was still living in England, I used to broadcast a lot in an organization called BBC, which I'm no longer going to be broadcasting on, so don't worry. But anyway, so I've been broadcasting In fact, they brought me I've just signed a contract for another six to write another six programs for them uh for a BBC radio, which I'm going to be canceling. That'll be fun. Uh anyway, so basically, the BBC has just been by the has just been declared the third most anti-Semitic or organization in in the world, so I've decided maybe I won't go with them anymore. However, I used to when I lived in England, I used to write TV shows for the BBC. I used to appear in TV show and our show we radio and TV all the time. Uh one day I got a phone call from a guy and he phoned up to say, "Hello." He said like very, "Hello." You know, people in the media say hello a lot. "Hello." So, he said, "Hello. Is this Robert I Rubenstein?" And I said, "Yes, it's Robert Rubenstein." "Hello." I said, "Hi. Um stop saying hello." Anyway, so basically, he said he was doing he was making a a program uh for one of the television stations in in the UK and it was called The Weekend. And they wanted to have three documentaries going out national national TV three weeks in a row talking about what people did with their weekends. So the first show they'd already filmed and it was following a group of Manchester United soccer fans to see what they did with their weekend. Probably not a lot of surprises there. Lots of booze, fighting and screaming and that's it. The next one was to go and follow a group of super rich people who have yachts, they're all private yachts and they go on regattas and after they go sailing about then they go to the boat house and have cocktails, right? Fine. And then he said, "And the third show we want to make about the Sabbath." The Sabbath? And he said, "So we'd like to make this film about the Sabbath and would I be an adviser on the show?" Sure. He said, "I know a little bit about the Sabbath." He said, "because my father used to be a priest." So, okay, fair enough. And then I put down the phone, we arranged to come to see me, put down the phone and went I put down the phone and thought, couldn't be. Couldn't possibly couldn't possibly be. Now his name was James Runsey or his name is James Runsey. And when he said his father was a priest, I thought, no, it can't be. But when he came to see me, it turned out my suspicion was correct. His father, the priest, was the Archbishop of Canterbury. The head of the Church of England with about, you know, 100 million kafidin all over the world. Anyway, he's a lovely lovely guy. He was 6'4", a big tall guy. And we sat down and he discussed what we could do for the Jewish Sabbath. What could we what were ideas I could advise him with. So I said, "You know what we're going to do this. We're going to go to the wonderful kosher bakery in those days called Swiss Cottage. We're going to be there before they open the doors at 6:00 in the morning. We're going to see them putting all the challahs like a load on the shelves and all the cakes and all the cookers. And then we'll point the cameras at the door at 6:00 when they open and all the housewives will come in and they'll like go like a stampede and then all the challahs will go flying off the shelves and then we'll follow those challahs back to the Shabbat tables and we'll film the Shabbat table being made and we'll interview people." He said, "You've done this before?" Yeah, fine. Then he said to me, "Could I interview you for the program?" So, I said, "Sure." So, we arranged that he would come on Friday afternoon with a film crew to interview me for the program. Now, living in Manchester in England, Shabbat goes out at about 11:40, sorry, 10:40 in the summertime. It starts very late because it's up very late. So, we had plenty of time. He said it would take about half an hour. And so, along came the film, the cameraman, the sound person, a very pretty young lady who didn't know what was going on. And um and And so, he put me in the gazebo and he started to interview me. And he asked me all about Shabbat and Jewish families and what it's all about. And I said, "There's a famous English poet who said, 'More than the Jews have kept Shabbat, Shabbat has kept the Jews.'" And I told them that Shabbat is not a whole load of things you can't do. It's a whole load of things you no longer have to do. Can you be at home when your your phone beeps that there's a text message or an SMS message or Facebook message or you get an email and you don't answer it? On Shabbat, you don't have to answer it. I told them on Shabbat we actually sit at the table and ask our children if they've got a divar Torah. What did they learn in school today? Wow, parents actually interested in their children. That's unusual. And they sing together. We sing together. There was a time when non-Jewish families used to sing together as well, but we actually sing together. And he was very interested. And after half an hour he said, "Do you mind if I ask you more questions?" I said, "No." So he put another cassette into the film camera and he started filming and then he was asking me questions that were clearly for him, not for the program. Um I told him that modern man has a god-shaped hole in him. Wasn't my idea. It's Blaise Pascal said this. When you're 20th century man, a 20th century man has a god-shaped hole. There was a time when people were religious, but that whole religiosity has been sucked out of us. People don't know what religion is anymore. And we carried on talking. And at the end of the the hour and a half he said, "Can I ask you another question?" I said, "Sure." He said the following thing. "Rabbi Wolstein, I'm not Jewish. None of the film crew here are Jewish. Is there anything we can have a lecture about?" "Is there anything we can have a lecture about?" After he had what Jewish families are like and had a look at what we do on Shabbat, "Is there anything we can have this lecture about?" And actually I was quite embarrassed by his question. I said, "James, look, you don't have to be Jewish. You just have to be the best person you are. You don't have to be like me, like us." Then he said, "I one last question." This is astonishing. Listen to this. Now, remember his name is James Ramsey. He's a son of the Archbishop of Canterbury. That's one of the highest offices appointees of the Christian Church. He said, "This is my question. Is there any hope for us? After you hear what Jewish families are, moms and dads can sing and be together once a week. There was a festival a couple of weeks ago, the 25th of December. Right? It's a big deal in the non-Jewish world, that 25th of December. As they say in Yiddish, "We do an Xmas meal every week. And that's Shabbos every week. Not just one meal, three meals. A getting-together family? We do it all the time. Is there any hope for us?" I thought that was quite a kiddush Hashem. I thought that was quite a good thing. Cuz when you know what Jewish family is, then and then when they hear and keep contrast and compare it to their own life, can we believe that is not? It's a wonderful thing, a Jewish family. How do you get one? Oh, I remember I was speaking in the speaking in the shul in London. And this was just before COVID, so about 3 years ago. And they brought me in speaking to one minyan and three minyanim in the shul. I spoke to one minyan, they brought me into the main shul. I sat at the front. And there was an old fellow on the bima. He was 83 years of age. And he was celebrating his 70th bar mitzvah. His 70th bar mitzvah. His parsha, 70 years, 83 years of age. He was called up for his parsha. And there he was, and even though he was 83, a beautiful voice. And he read the parsha perfectly and haftarah perfectly. and then made it and it was it was a very nice most people there tears in their eyes beautiful then he get down from the beamer to go back and lady section a bit like this one was a curtain and suddenly the curtain pulls aside and there's this old lady looking at at her face was lit up with pride this was his wife and probably seen him doing this 70 over 70 years one of the most beautiful things I think you can ever see you must have seen this an old couple like that who are clearly as in love with each other after 70 years as they were when they were first married have you seen that it's a beautiful thing and they don't even have to speak they know what the other one is saying they understand almost like telepathically it's a fabulous thing there's a wonderful safer called the Sadiq in our time there was a Sadiq called Ari Levine this is a famous story he was known as the Sadiq of Jerusalem and one seat where he was with the doctor the doctor was very pleased to see this famous Rabbi Ari Levine and he said Rabbi Ari how can I help you said it's not me it's my wife my wife's foot hurts us my wife's foot hurts us it's possible for two people to become one person so closely that it's my wife's foot hurts us that's something to achieve that's a beautiful thing to grab hold of so how do you get there how do you get to that that would be good to know wouldn't it how do you get to that well the answer is I suppose we should really start at the very beginning that's a very good place to start you know of course it says in the Talmud 40 days before the conception of you and you and me, a heavenly voice called out and said, "But Blonie, this girl's soul the Blonie for that boy." And we know Adam and Eve were one person, physically one person, that Hashem takes the female side out to be a separate individual for another share of Hashem why. And then they are the same person, but in two halves. The same with the soul. So that's why I'm only half a neshama and you're only half a neshama. When we get back together again, we're complete. And the way that men see things is different to the way that women see things. We'll be talking more about that in a second. And vice versa. Men and women see things differently. But the reasons why people have two eyeballs is with two eyeballs, you have perspective. You see things better. And with a wife and a husband, then the man will supply the the male perspective, the woman will supply the female perspective, and then you get the real perspective. The complete perspective. And that's a good thing to get as well. So basically, you're half a person until you get married. And if you go about it in the right way, Hashem will make sure that the other half of your soul, which is out there, which was preordained for you to meet if you go about it in the right way. And Hashem will make sure that it happens. I remember I had once a share in England, a true story about someone called Rabbi Scheinberg. Have you heard of Rabbi Scheinberg? He was a great great Rosh Yeshiva, originally from New York, originally from Brooklyn. And Rabbi Scheinberg, um, was a great New York Yankees fan as he was a boy and he loved baseball. But he became a huge huge Rosh Yeshiva in in Jerusalem. And one day he was being taken on a tour of the north of Israel. Have you ever been to north of Israel? You mean like Haifa? No, I mean the mountains and the Galilee. It's beautiful it's stunningly beautiful. And he was being taken there by a with a by a fellow who was a tour guide called Gershon Kaufman. Gershon Kaufman is a Yerushalmi Jew. You know, with long curly hairs. And he's self-taught. He taught himself English and he taught himself all the history of Israel and the nature you have to be qualified to be a a tour guide. And he took Rashi on a tour of the north. And he knows the history of every stone of Israel inside out. And they came to the waterfall at a place called Banias. Anybody here have been to the waterfall of Banias? It's not It's This is not Niagara Falls. It's not Yosemite. It's nice. It's about Look, they're higher than the the show here the ceiling of the show. And there's a a small pool not much bigger really than the the area here. And you know, he was standing there and this fellow was explaining to him all the history of what's going on there and what what David and Melech came there and all sorts of stuff. And when they were there there was another group visiting Banias. A group of kids teenage kids from a non-religious kibbutz. Um so they were there they were at the top of the waterfall. And they had so they were like, you know, 16 17 year olds. There was a madrich a madrich a young man who's what 19 18 just a couple of years older than them. And one of the girls leaned over too far and she fell. So she fell that distance there into the water. Whether it was the fact the water is incredibly cold and that's a surprise. The water is incredibly cold in the waterfalls and the rivers of the Galilee in the north of Israel. Or whether it was the the impact of the or falling in the water she started to go under she started to drown. Gershon Kaufman this Hasidic Jew with a bit of a Do you know the Yiddish word boych? Boych is actually Scottish Gaelic word for beautiful, which is very interesting. Um a boych, right? So, he takes his long coat, throws off his long coat, throws away his flying saucer hat, you know, the big round hat. Throws away, dives in, swims out, grabs the girl, pulls her to the surface. Rubs her chest, swimming back to the side, gets to the side, pumping the water out of her chest, um out of her lungs, mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Meanwhile, the guy, the madrich, the guy in charge, the 19-year-old, and the rest of the kibbutznikim come tumbling down the waterfall. From the waterfall, by the time they get there, the girl is sitting up coughing and spluttering, but breathing. And when he gets there, he says, "Ooh, da da da da da da." And he said to Gershon Kaufman, in Hebrew and Yiddish, "It's lucky me. Kashakti shuh Kharidim kamakhem asur lakhem linagiah b'isha." He says, "We had thought that you were from Jews. You're not allowed to touch a woman." So, Gershon Kaufman started to poke him in the chest. Said, "Hey, you. You're the madrich. You're the guy that's meant to be in charge. How come you didn't dive in after her? Said, "Do you know why? I'll tell you why. You didn't want to get your cigarette wet." Wow. They're a little bit tougher in Israel, right? Um anyway, so Gershon Kaufman walked away. And when Professor Scheinberg is walking back to the car, he's cold, soaking wet, with his jacket on, his coat on, with his hat on. And Professor Scheinberg said to him in Yiddish, "Zei vet zein einer fun unza." "Zei vet zein einer fun unza." She'll be one of ours, whatever that meant. Sure. Anyway, so the next day, that was Thursday, next day is Friday and he shows. It's about 10 minutes before Shabbat. I don't know what it's like in your house 10 minutes before Shabbat, but it's usually very hectic. And is this done? Is that done? Is the Shabbat kettle on? Is all the things done? That everything And 10 minutes before suddenly there was a knock on the door. And so he opens the door and there is the young woman standing there. The young woman from the day before, the young woman who was afraid he'd say no. How she found out who he was, where he was and where he lived, he didn't know. She said, "I'd like to spend Shabbat here with you." So he took her in and he introduced her her to his wife. Um explained this is the young lady I told you about yesterday. They found somewhere for her to uh to uh sleep. Israeli flats, you will know, are usually too small for the number of kids out there. After Shabbat they made Havdalah. After Havdalah the girl started to cry and said, "I don't want to go home. This is what I've wanted all my life. This is what I've wanted all my life." And so Gershon couldn't know what to do. So he phoned his rabbi. And the rabbi said, "How old is this girl?" "17." "And she's got parents waiting at home? She must go home. But if after 3 weeks she wants to come back, you must allow her to come back." So after 3 weeks, just straight after they made Havdalah, straight after Shabbat went out, the phone rings and it's the girl. "3 weeks are up. Can I come back?" So she came back. Then she stayed with them for 2 weeks and they decided the best thing to do would be to send her to a seminary called Neve Yerushalayim. Don't know if you've heard of Neve Yerushalayim. It's a It's a great seminary for girls who don't have such a strong learning background. They can catch up. Uh and so she went to the video July. When she went to the video July, she stayed there for 2 years. Learned, caught up perfectly, also got a teaching qualification, and got herself teaching in a school in Petah Tikva, which is just outside Tel Aviv. And she went there, and you know what it's like. I'm sure you know this if you've ever moved cities and moved from one place to the other. You'll know what it's like when uh you try to keep in touch with your old friends, but when you move into a new place, it's hard. And so she started to lose contact with Gershon Kaufman and his wife, and they lost contact with her. And then but 2 years after that, Gershon Kaufman and his wife received an invitation in the mail. And they opened it, and it was an invitation to the girl's chatanah. She was getting married. She, a baal teshuvah, was marrying a baal teshuvah. Uh the envelope was addressed to the me shamatzi nafshi v'gufi. To the person who saved my my life my body, my life my physical life and my soul. And of course, Gershon Kaufman and his wife went to the girl's wedding. It was a beautiful wedding that you get in Israel outside a starry canopy of stars twinkling in the sky. Gershon Kaufman and all the people had gathered around the chuppah. And he saw the He looked at the chuppah, and he was crying his eyes out. Emotionally very, very moved. But he said he wasn't crying because of the kallah standing there in her beautiful white dress. He was crying because of the chatan. The madrich. Hashem can bring people together from strangers' ways and the strangers' journeys, and bring them together again. Hashem makes shidduchim. He's charge. If you go about it in the right way, then it's guaranteed. If there's a heavenly voice that says, "Bat Ploni l'Ploni." And Hashem has already ordained that, it's already been beshert, been fated, go about it the right way, then don't worry. I mean, he can arrange that. The girl could be living in Australia, and you could be living in Los Angeles, and Hashem could make that happen. That's not a problem. As long as you go about it the right way. Yeah. What's the wrong way? Um I I have some of my talmidim here, and some old friends here, but most of you I don't know. So, I'm just interested because get to know each other, right? Please raise your hand up if you believe in love at first sight. And believe in love at first sight? One romantic? Two romantics? Good, good, good. Three romantics? Four romantics? Five romantics? Good. Yeah, all shy now. Yeah, come on. Any other? NO? GOOD! THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT! IT doesn't exist. There was a musical, and then after that, I think it was a movie, I'm not sure. I don't even know which one it is. But in it, there is a song which is called Some Enchanted Evening. Right? And it goes like this. Some enchanted evening, you may see a stranger, you may see a stranger across a crowded room, and somehow you know, you know even then. No, you don't, YOU COMPLETE AND TOTAL HOW CAN YOU LOVE somebody across a room? You can be attracted to her or him. You could lust after him or her. But love them? What does it mean love them? Did you turn me down? Um I've got no voice. Don't turn me down. How could you come to love somebody? That's not how it works. Megillat and Megillat talks about the four most beautiful women in history. Megillat says who they were. Sarah was the most beautiful woman in history. She's in that book. Um and then there's Abigail, David's wife. Uh who else is there? Esther. God says Esther. And the word says no Esther because she was queen by the word means. So then it says to another Vashti. Vashti. So whatever way you look at it, Vashti was the fourth maybe most beautiful woman in history. Now imagine when you give you go downstairs or when you were getting sushi downstairs in Kenzel comes a guy with his wife who she's taking a shower and she was Vashti. What would you think? Wow. What a beautiful woman. Isn't he a lucky guy? No, he's not. She was a Nazi. She was a Nazi. Vashti was vile and evil. But on the outside, she might have looked very pretty. You see, there are things as I mentioned before we want to discuss the difference between boys and girls, men and women and how they see things. That's This is one of them. I've made now let me make this very clear so there's no mistakes. I've made 50 shidduchim. Now don't get excited. I only ever make a shidduch if I know the boy very well and the girl very well. So if I know the boy very well and the girl very well, and then I I feel confident that I know them well, and then you bring them together, and I run the shidduch, and the guy they come to with a bit uncertain, then usually goes very well indeed. Right? So, that's generally how it goes. So, I know a little bit about shidduchim. If you ask a young man, "What are you looking for?" They always start off with the exact same thing. Now, I know cuz I was a young man, right? So, guys, we can talk man to man here, okay? Guys, if I was asked you that question, "What you looking for?" What would the first thing you would say be? I need a good-looking woman. Attraction. Who said that? Who said that? Who said Yeah. You need a good-looking woman. Yes. Yeah, good for you. Yeah. Now, are you a good-looking guy? You are? I'm not attracted to you. Um It's a very strange thing, and particularly you're going to see this incidentally, particularly older guys, you know, guy old They've been divorced seven times, and they're very rich, and they look a bit like a rhinoceros, I won't say which end, and um and uh basically and they are but they want some I need somebody who's about 27, uh and she's got three She's got to want to children with you. Um so, incredible. Yeah, the problem is that men are immediately looking for what she looks like. That's the first problem. Uh therefore, I could supply them with a Vashti, and they'd be very happy. Yes, the mother of your children is Eva Braun, Hitler's wife. Right? I mean, you're going to be happy with that? I don't think so. Yeah, the the first problem is that people Now, don't get me wrong, and this is quite clear in the halakha, and common sense as well. Common sense is a very, very important part of Judaism. Um you know, in fact, Moshe Rabbenu came down from Har Sinai with the luchot, and honor or how many commandments? Nine. 10. No, there were 11. 11. 11. Only see 10. No, there was 11. What was the 11th? Thou shalt have common sense. It doesn't say it anywhere. It doesn't have to. It's common sense. You have to It's It's simply common sense. It common sense says, of course, that a man and a woman have to be attracted to each other. But I just heard Sadly, it was a funeral of a last week of a old friend of mine. And his son said that his father used to say, which I never heard him say, so very clever. He said, "Don't look for a wife the way you look for an etrog." Don't look for a wife or a husband the way you look for an etrog. You ever see guys with an etrog when it comes to Sukkot? And little magnifying glasses. Maybe there's a tiny flaw. The tiniest of flaws. And then they take it to the rabbi. What? No. If you're looking for a human being who's flawless, then make sure you are flawless. But you're not. Shalom Aleichem says in Orach Chaim every little yochid, even the tzaddik, great tzaddikim, think of the Ben Ish Chai, think of the Vilna Gaon, think of the Chofetz Chaim, think of me. Um Think of the greatest tzaddikim in Jewish history. Right. And ask Are they Are they perfect? Absolutely not. But unfortunately, guys, particularly guys, are looking for perfection. They start off with the physical. And that's a problem. Of course, she should be good-looking. In your eyes. But what's good-looking in one person's eyes is not as good-looking in somebody else's eyes. I'm really interested in what's inside the person. Got to tell you a story. My brother-in-law passed away a year and a half ago. He lived in Bayit Vegan in Jerusalem. And in Bayit Vegan, there was a lady and she's a genius. She is the one of the world experts in her field. I think it's physics, if I remember rightly. I might be wrong. But she has a medical condition, and the medical condition is that she cannot control the movement of her body. So her head shakes like crazy and her hands shake like crazy. But she's incredibly, incredibly brilliant. I don't know if this is relevant to the story or if I should but this is everything is relevant. No, not relevant. Something else. Doesn't matter. Anyway, so basically anyway, so there was a a guy from New York, Jewish guy actually, and he's he was trying to get his PhD in the exact same field. And she was the expert, so he walked to her saying would she be his supervisor through the PhD if he came and finished it at the Hebrew University. And she said, "Yes." And so he would come every week to discuss his work and his his research with her in progress. And after a year and a half or something, he got his PhD. And everybody was So you knew the knew the guy was expecting this handsome young Jewish guy to go back to America once he got his PhD. But instead, he wasn't going back to America. He was He was continuing to visit this professor in the wheelchair who couldn't control the movements of her body. And then one day, when they were discussing out of a quarks or whatever physicists discuss, he said, "I'd like to ask you a different question. Will you marry me?" "Will you marry me?" And she managed to point to her chest with the hands that won't do what she wants them to do and said, "Why would you want to marry this?" And he said, "I'm interested in what's inside this." When they got married, my brother-in-law told me that the entire neighborhood of Bayit Vegan took the day off work. They weren't all invited. They just decided it was their simcha. It was their celebration. Because sometimes you find people who so inspire you by showing you what it's really all about. And incidentally, I'm not suggesting you could do it, you should do that, you could do that. I don't think I could do that. But some people could. But if a person is only looking for incredible beauty, it's a bad bad mistake. In fact, I remember this young fellow came to see me not too long ago. Oh, like a couple years ago actually. Um and he'd been married and he was divorced and he was looking to marry somebody. And I was very impressed with him and my wife was very impressed with him. And even though my rule is only really get involved if I know the boy well and the girl well, in this case, what he was so he was impressive enough that we decided and I had some girls uh resumes on my computer who were looking for a fellow. So I sent off the the the resume of a young lady and within like 5 minutes came back an email saying, "No, I'm not free." I thought, "That's not even enough time to uh to read it." Okay, fine. So the next day I sent another young lady's resume. Straight away, "Nope, not for me." And then the third time, and then I started to get it. So I did something very naughty. I Googled today's top 10 Hollywood actresses. And um and there was a picture of a young lady who was just like the Gamorah and Nebula, tall beautiful woman. You don't you don't get to be a successful Hollywood actress if you're not beautiful. And actually, I almost forgot her name but for some reason remembering it is very strange. It's called Blake Lively. Blake Lively. Anyway, so it's a very nice artistic picture and I just cropped her face. And I took one of the resumes and I changed the details in the resume, changed the name of the girl, put her picture on it, sent it off. 3 minutes later, "Not for me." I thought, I can't help you. Because you're a And did he look like top 10 Hollywood men? No, I don't think so. It's of course incredibly important you find the girl attractive. But it's an interesting thing when you actually come to love someone. You know, when somebody walks into a room for the first time, then you appreciate and you calculate and you see that they're a handsome person or a beautiful person. But what's strange is that when you actually get to know them after a while, you don't really know that anymore. It's your sister, it's your brother, it's your, you know, or your colleagues at work or whatever. It's just that if you like them, that's what they look like. And if they have a mole on their cheek or, you know, whatever other tiny flaw, the person you love has got a mole on their cheek. There are people who get married to overweight and people are underweight and people are small and tall and blonde and that. There's somebody for everybody. 40 days, 40 years of love. Heavenly ones, close answers, bathroom in the plane. And if you go about it in the right way, and that cannot possibly be just focused on the superficial, and Shem will put it together. You don't go about it the right way and you won't. Well, the Rubicon Canievsky was once the young fellow approached the Rubicon Canievsky and he says, "I don't understand. It says that there's somebody for everybody. Hashem created somebody for everybody. I've been in hundreds of shidduchim. I've not found mine." And Rubicon who is a mystical water, you know, a very good bar of play by Rubicon said, "The first one was you, Rubicon. The first one was. But you were too picky. Now you've lost her. And now you've lost her." So, if you go about looking for the wrong things, so, that's the first thing. In fact, I remember my Rosh Kollel, his father was a Dayan in the in London Beth Din. And he told me a story about one of his brothers. in fact, I think it was his youngest brother. So, lovely fellow. But when he was a young man, he went out with a girl and he met for the first time. And he got back to report to his mother what he thought. And she came into her husband's study. He said in there with the girl open. And he looked up and he said, "No." She said, "We have a problem." He liked her too much. He liked her too much. If you go out with a girl for the first time or a boy for the first time and you're totally blown away, particularly if you're a boy, what we What did you like too much? The way she looked. That's a terrible basis for a marriage. Nobody stays looking that pretty forever. That's what you're the Icar. That's what you're primarily attracted to, then you're in trouble. Another terrible way to go go about getting married is to live together beforehand. There's an organization in London called TGIF, set up by Jonathan Sacks, Lord Jonathan Sacks. Um because in the West End of London, there was all these It's a bit like Wall Street. That's London's Wall Street. And there was about 3,000 young Jewish people, young Jewish professionals who were working in banking and finance earning incredible amounts of money. By the age of 27, they're driving Porsches and BMWs and stuff like that. And they just wanted to get married to each other. So, Jonathan Sacks, together with somebody else, set up an organization to deal with these people, TGIF. He, who was the star of Anglo-Jewry, British Jewry at the time, said that he would He promised that the first couple who got married, you know, bringing them together, the first couple who got married, he would personally be the sandak of the kiddushin. He would be He would officiate underneath the chuppah. The organization, when I went to speak to it, had been going for 10 years. And in 10 years, they had three engagements. And three engagements went off. Because in that world, living together is the norm. And living together is the other is the worst possible basis for marriage. And it's a deadly statistic and proven. When people live together as husband and wife before they become husband and wife, what is the basic reason they claim anyway that they're doing it? Well, we know the real reason they're doing it, but what What are they What do they claim the reason is? To get to know each other. To make to sure that they make sure they're compatible. And they've lived together as husband and wife. So, they've they've examined and explored every single aspect of them living together as husband and wife. So, it should be once they know that they're compatible in every possible way, having lived together for a year or 2 years, when they get married, it should be a more successful marriage. And yet statistically there are far more divorces, a far higher percentage of divorces for people who've lived together as husband and wife than people who didn't want to. Cuz living together as hus- for as as husband and wife is the worst possible basis for marriage. Because you're making a very important and simple statement. I'm not committing to this. The most important word in relationships is commitment. And I'm not committed to you. The guy is all rich, the girl is all rich, right? She's extremely beautiful. So, we live together. I've done everything I've done with this woman for 2 years. Fine. And there are more beautiful women. And there's always younger and more beautiful women coming along cuz that's how the world works. I'll just move on. The women are far more realistic cuz they know that they have a biological time clock ticking and stuff like that. They're looking for solidity. They're looking for a commitment. Men aren't cuz men look I can do this at any stage in my life. But my late wife Alashon was a very wise lady. Used to say if a man doesn't get married by the age of 40, chances are he won't ever get married. Amen. Why? Because he doesn't know how to commit. He doesn't know Have you ever seen those plants, those little trees, where they weave the the stems together? They look like a girl's ponytail. Have you seen those things? I always wonder how they do this. It's very interesting. It's only done with I can't remember what it's called, but they when they bind them together, then it has to be at an exact right stage. If it's too young, then it's like a glass like it's like it's like a blades of grass. It's too soft and falls apart. If it's too late, it won't bend together. But there's a moment in which it does bend together. There's a moment in our lives when our period in our life when we're pliable and can bend together. And a period when we're not pliable, when we won't bend together. And so if you wait till 40, you think, "Yeah, I can sell that anytime." Chances are it won't be. Because the thing that actually makes it work is commitment. So I've got two daughters. And my two daughters, um um the first one went out with a boy in Gateshead. She was in seminary in Gateshead. Um she phoned me up and said, um she met him three times and they're getting engaged. Now, I'm not Hasidic. And so I said, "Three times?" But when you think about it, when today they're incredibly happily married and they've got three children with one on the way. Um and so why does that work? It's insane. Why does that work? The answer is it's interesting. Turned out that her father and I had met together in a yeshiva in Gateshead, in England, many years before. Her father had almost the exact same background as me. Her father is a rabbi, like me. Father is in education, like me. Father doesn't have any money, like me. Um The both my daughter and and son have been brought up, you know, absolutely in the same sort of educational background, same sort of religious background, were going in the same direction, wanted the same from their lives as each other. They have so much in common. Then after that, all they have to do is to meet each other, be attracted to each other, like each other. And after that, of course it's going to work if they're committed. Cuz if you're committed to marriage, if you run into problems, what are you going to do? Cuz you want it to work. I'm dealing with a couple just now. They came to tell me that their marriage is in trouble. I said, "Look, will I help them?" Well, okay, it depends on the situation is. I've got three stages of helping a marriage that's in trouble. Problem number one with their marriage is he leaves the top off the toothpaste. And she leaves her makeup all over the place. Something like that. I think I might be able to save the marriage. Problem number two is a serious problem. And both are willing and want to work on solving it, I'll probably be able to help solve and save the marriage. Problem number three is serious problem in the marriage when one or both don't want to work on it, game over. Then it's a divorce. But if you're committed, then it will work. But you won't do it yourself. And as my talmidim who are here will tell you, I only really teach two things wherever I speak all over the world, and one of them is get yourself a rabbi. And as as said, the harav is in the masculine, the feminine form is asset lach rebbetzin. A woman should ask a woman for guidance, especially these days. And of course we're all reeling from the horrible news of in the case of sex abuse and suicide this week. Disgusting, horrible stuff. Um but women should go to men to women for advice, men should go to them, and you listen to that advice, and somebody will help you overcome the problems in marriage because marriage it takes work. A shidduch is made in heaven, but a marriage is made and remade and continually committed to down here. Cars are made in Detroit, but once you get a car, you have to take it to get it serviced regularly and go to the garage regularly and have it get checked out regularly. Same with a marriage. You need to be able to go to an expert, whether it's a rabbi or therapist or whatever or a therapist or whatever they can be able to help you to make sure that it works. A good marriage is made in heaven and heaven on earth. I've been married twice. My late wife passed away from cancer. I'm married again now. I am seamlessly and happily married twice. Was it always easy? Of course not. Did we need help sometimes? Certainly. But because we were committed, it worked. Twice. So, I'm not telling you stuff which is theoretical. I'm telling you stuff that actually worked for me. Let me finish by saying this. Most Jews in my experience are good people. Most The The most common middah character trait that any Jew possesses usually is the character trait of chesed. If you're interested in chesed, which is helping other people, start with yourself. The greatest chesed you can ever do is to find somebody to marry. Commit to making it work. Work at that marriage. Create that happy home that a non-Jewish son of the Archbishop of Canterbury can look and say, "Whoa, is there anything we can have that like it is like that?" And then bring children into that happy marriage that you've worked to create. And do the greatest chesed of all, which is to create two, three, four, five, or however many children you're going to have, and bring them up and be welcomed into a Let them be welcomed into a wonderful, happy, secure, and safe environment. Which is good for them and good for you and good for Klal Yisrael. A good marriage is having a Let me give you all the bracha for you work at it. Have a nice life.