"Why Is My Marriage Unstable?" - Talkshow on Marriage Makeover #1

the yeshiva.net do you want a marriage makeover like let's turn everything upside down and start fresh we have an amazing show rabbi why why jacobson the legend is here he will be answering your questions start typing right now get your questions in now's your chance to have a complete marriage makeover and start again this is leah richtheimer for the ladies talk show stay tuned welcome to the ladies talk show this is leia richheimer we have an amazing show this is a marriage makeover haven't you always wanted a marriage makeover sarit says can we also have makeup done maybe we'll talk about that later but right now we have the most amazing legend of a rabbi on the show rabbi y jacobson thank you so much for being the show today it's an honor and a privilege to have you so excited to hear what you have to say but i have to tell you we are getting flooded with emails and texts and comments and and whatsapps and whatever everybody's flooding and they want to know what exactly is a marriage makeover is it even possible and most importantly here's the biggest question we got rabbi what leia if i'm going to do a marriage makeover like where what about my husband like hello where's he what's he going to be doing in terms of getting a marriage makeup can you really do it myself so rabbi i'm going to throw the ball we're gonna get right we go right d we dig deep here very fast we're gonna go right what is a marriage makeover and how can we do it ourselves well i'm afraid that we can't do a marriage makeover ourselves i think it's a contradiction in terms a marriage by definition is two people as the torah says in the beginning of genesis the first time it says the word not good is lotov it's not good for man to be alone god says it's not good for adam to be alone i'm going to create a helper a soul mate to join adam and as the torah continues right there in voracious and jenna says therefore every man abandons or says goodbye bids farewell to daddy and mommy tati and mommy and cleaves to espouse valhalla they become one flesh so a marriage makeover is possible and important but by definition we need the good will the humility the vulnerability of two souls who want to together build a beautiful harmonious entity so let's start with what is a marriage makeover what's your vision of what a marriage makeover is and i i actually have some controversial things to say what you just said but i'm gonna hold off because i don't want you you know i don't want to be start off with fireworks or maybe fireworks is good um yeah fireworks is good yeah fireworks start off with fireworks it's okay okay all right i live in new york with your permission okay fine so my question for you rabbi it's like a woman can put all of her energy into something the whole thing is it's in a woman's hands so i hear like the whole thing that we teach at the latest talk show armasaura is if a woman become does the the job of a woman she knows how to be a wife she under no she learns what does it mean to respect your husband like when he respects me all respected you know like but when a woman does follows our misura follows exactly what needs to be done the the relationship it's like if she's a wife her husband becomes more of a husband so in a sense we are doing marriage makeovers every day of the week with the ladies talk show the the and it's the woman it's just the woman like when the woman shifts who she's being and she becomes you know rav moshe cordovero says when all bracha comes comes from through the husband to the wife when the wife becomes a receiver for that bracha right the whole marriage shifts and she can have that closeness that she's always wanted so marriage so that's my question for you is that that we are having amazing like i get emails like every week two three four ten emails saying let's change my life my whole relationship it's just the woman so look the guy doesn't even know what she's doing in fact i tell him not to tell what the guys do what you're doing because you know if you if you the husband brings you flowers and you say oh thank you for the flowers and uh he says oh yeah the rabbi told me to send give you flowers you know look thank you so in fact the woman secretly behind the scenes is doing all these extraordinary wonderful things of that the torah teaches her to do and all of a sudden lo and behold the husband starts giving her more flowers the husband starts appreciating her more loving her more so okay that's my question for you wait and i can i just add to that while you're saying that so many of the times the husband doesn't want to do anything and if the wife is going to wait for him to do something then they're not going to have anything happening like she only has her to change yes so if sometimes there is a situation but i call it a a challenging situation a difficult situation when the husband doesn't want to put in any work when the husband is maybe in a state of denial or cluelessness or maybe stuck in a quagmire of insecurity or sadness or depression or trauma as can also happen the other way of course and then one comes and says okay so am i a victim for eternity no you're not a victim for eternity there's an enormous amount of power and strength and resilience that our mothers and grandmothers knew the secrets of thousands of years the power that a woman has to be able to arouse inspire and really turn her husband into an extraordinary human being which even in the most powerful and best situations that's the truth that greatness in husbands is often to be attributed to the to the faith and the love and the warmth inculcated and given to them by their wives but when we're talking about an ideal situation it's it's about the work of two people and it's about the partnership of two people it's been become popular in recent years that women say listen my husband is not capable of anything he's not doing anything so what should i do okay if that's really the situation fine let's try to deal with that in the best way possible and not just surrender to mediocrity and despair and victimhood but a much more ideal scenario is when we have two people who are communicating each one can identify their needs their pain their yearnings what they're looking for in a relationship what their disappointments are what their hopes are and when you get that happening and very often you have to know how to speak to women you also have to know how to speak to men you know we have our insecurities we have our issues of course every person is individually but there's also issues that you know men there's a lot of commonalities so sometimes you know when you give up on the man there's nobody to talk to the guy is stuck sometimes that's true but sometimes the right person with the right perceptiveness and sensitivity maybe if the man doesn't feel right away blamed or accused and he feels listened to and empathized with and understood we can get him talking we can get him involved in the in the makeover we can get him involved in the in the trends in the in the transformation by the way leia that's so funny rabbi who why why jacobsen just said the man is stuck and literally on instagram a second before someone wrote what if my husband is stuck and he just doesn't know what to do and he like nailed it but actually in that somebody's asking they're saying what happens my husband is complacent he's very fine with the match the way it is we'll just keep going along and i'm feeling that the marriage is not what it should be right so if the husband is feeling very complacent but i have a real question about that can a husband really feel complacent if his wife is discontent if if if if a husband unless he's completely living on another planet maybe he is and maybe you know between mars and venus there's some distance but the definition of marriage if i'm feeling if her husband is feeling that his wife is discontent in the marriage what do you mean he's complacent does that not bother him does he not care about the marriage did he give up on the marriage i don't know that he's so complacent unless he's a computer program and he's not human but what do you mean he's complacent if his heart if his wife is really frustrated is that not bothering him it must affect him as well so i really have to know much more about such a scenario so the issue with that i mean what what our masseur would say is a woman it could be a failure and this is not we don't do blame here we don't like blame the victim or whatever we're trying to empower you give you some tools to actually use but in that situation what this woman can do she's not somehow not nurturing out of him or listening to him or getting him to speak enough to tell him what he needs or something in other words a woman has the power she can just say well my husband's just what does she call it stuck you know my husband's stuck and with that mindset then anytime she tries to do something she just sees him as this big stuck in the middle of the room without any you know ability to on the other hand if she says okay what 0.001 can i do to make a difference here and it's you know what is when when i ask him what's new you know what's going on with him and he says oh nothing i leave it at that i'm going to sit him down and i'm going to have a conversation in a private secret time whatever and i'm going to say you know when i asked you what's up i really want to know what's going on with you whatever she guides him to open up to him exactly like what you were saying you were saying that that he feel he's he's not he's a computer so she has to work with a computer that she just got a computer very annoying he's a robot he's not showing his emotions and he's uh everything's fine you know she that means there's more work for her it could be more work for her to do but certainly there's always something a woman can do so what i want to focus on here i do i just i just do have to add something and that is that is certainly true but sometimes it's just i think important to say this out of respect for many women sometimes a situation is there is trauma or there is personality disorder or there's something very deep that sits in a husband or in a wife and that's creating a real real paralysis and sometimes just to say to the woman you know be nicer be warmer give her more compliments yes a woman complimenting her husband often creates magic when women lift up their husbands inspire them compliment them show them their strength and appreciation it can accomplish extraordinary things but sometimes a husband is really suffering inside he may not even know that he's suffering that's how much he's suffering he can't even talk about it so sometimes women may need tools that you cannot expect them to have on their own number one and sometimes number two there may need they may have to be outside intervention to help bring this person back from a psychologically comatose state how does rabbi it's fantastic and because it's kind of like yeah it's it's good for most cases but there are a lot of cases where it isn't and we just have to respect that because women sometimes suffer too much and everyone says yeah you know just be in a better mood just create better food for shabbos uh just don't complain when you come it's very nice all very nice but sometimes it's a very very difficult situation and they're always blaming themselves i don't have to tell you about the guilt of many of our brothers and sisters in the jewish race as i always say a jew doesn't feel when a drew doesn't feel guilty he blames himself or she blames herself so i just think it's important out of respect to understand that sometimes it is a very difficult situation and it's not just you know a simple change of attitude it's very good and my question is the line between where the woman is culpable and responsible and whatever and the line where she feels a victim to the situation or as outside circumstances there's nothing she can do right so what i find is that most women feel like there's nothing they can do they've tried everything and it's just him and they've kind of got that in a box they've got that firmly ensconced in their head and it takes enormous amount of effort for me to show them that there's always something you can do and when they with an attitude shift like that when you try something new even being nicer giving compliments or whatever it can break them out so the question i have for you is the first go-to like knee-jerk reaction a woman will have just saying from a woman's standpoint or whatever what i've heard from the last couple of decades is the first thing is it they blame it on him and say i'm not culpable or i'm not responsible because it's him so so even though that so my question to rabbi is how does a woman who is a strong woman a powerful woman she wants to accomplish she wants to she doesn't just okay mary she wants extraordinary did you hear what that woman said she said i don't you know he's like okay we'll just go on our marriage she wants more good on ya you know it's awesome nuclear energy the nuclear age yeah nuclear energy there you go so she has this strength in this kayak and and what i want to do with this marriage makeover is to give her tools to do that i think most people would rather blame so anyway i yes so what i would say is what i would say like this barring three situations that really need it's not for today which is if there is a mental illness or there is a serious personality disorder we all have personality disorders but i mean a serious personality disorder or a very serious trauma that sits in a manner a woman then the rules change you're dealing with a with a with a very serious situation uh some of you have read the book walking on eggshells these types of situations when you're dealing with a mental illness and you just we have to acknowledge that and and and and realize this there's help there's help but the vic the person who's struggling has to take responsibility complete responsibility for their illness or for their challenge may not be their fault the creator has given it to them but have to take responsibility i can't blame my wife i can't blame my husband there is real real pain sitting in me and if i'm ready to acknowledge that and go for help there can be help however there's so many other situations that don't fit into these very very extreme categories and to just say you know it's the men it's the guys you know they're just clueless you know they like to hang out with their friends and drink and then and then go to the kiddush or do other stuff i'm not going to get into details every woman questioning about her husband i i don't find that to be helpful at least not in many many cases there's a mutual dynamic here there's a dynamic that which comes from the energy that comes from him and she's experiencing but this energy that comes from her and he's experiencing and it's in that interplay it's in that interface and the energy you know in the holy of holies with the two cherubs there was the male and the female made of pure gold and it was over the holy ark and god says my presence is going to dwell in the space between them god dwells srinish banayam in the space we create for each other it's not in me and it's not in you it's in the dynamic it's in the exchange it's what happens in between are we ready to look at that there's something happening in between are we looking at each other the talmud says that when the two cherubs looked at each other it meant it was a good relationship when they turned away it meant they emotionally they were drifting away what are our conversations like does he know how to listen to his wife does his wife know how to listen to him are we talking to each other are we communicating to each other is there a bond is there a sense of trust and if there is not how can we heal it so just to say the guy doesn't care he's clueless very he's stonewalling me he doesn't talk he doesn't open up he doesn't want to go to therapy he never wants to go out he just wants to i don't know he loves his office he's he's always watching uh clips at least if they override by y's clips it wouldn't be so bad but uh he's watching other clips uh whatever it is i'm getting flagged here sorry oh that way but actually it's so interesting that we're getting a lot of people are saying on instagram um rabbi why why is so insightful and unkey can't get enough love what he's saying because obviously women are very excited that's finally somebody is saying he told my mother-in-law don't tell me tell my mother but that's really somebody saying somebody's like oh let's get somebody and i wasn't gonna do the question right now but they keep asking is that they said to get a little like deep um can we make over someone who is has deep mental issues or as an addict heavy we cannot make over somebody who has deep mental issues and addict but the person who has deep mental issues and is an addict if they can we can encourage them we can inspire them we must not become enablers we can cheer for them but it's just like if you go to a game you know you could stand on the bleachers and scream and cheer yeah yeah go go go go go but ultimately it's the player who has to catch the ball and run and make the touchdown so it's the person who's struggling with whatever that struggle is to be able to say this is my thing i have to take responsibility for it these are my challenges in life which are really my opportunities in life because every challenge really is an opportunity how can you inspire them how can how can a woman who's got a such a husband what would i can inspire them by saying listen i believe in you your nisham is larger than every challenge you have your trauma doesn't define you you define your trauma if you choose so you were carved in the divine image your soul is a piece of god and it means it's infinite if it's infinite it could contain your pain you are now becoming a victim to your pain don't do that you define your pain it's painful you want to run away from the world you want to run away from civilization you want to go into loneliness you are suffering i was talking to somebody yesterday a friend of mine a man a heart of gold literally i tell you a heart literally sculptured of gold it's probably some tissues and sinews and cells there but a lot of challenges in the marriage but it's not really challenges in the marriage he suffers from horrible anxiety his mind races 24 hours a day seven days a week some of you will understand this always self-conscious always second-guessing himself what's my place in the world that i say the right thing do people like me do people hate me what am i doing what am i not doing i'm helpless i'm not helpless i have a purpose i'm the greatest guy i'm the worst guy social anxiety off the charts and so those of us who don't suffer from it don't understand this but for such a person even meeting somebody in the street is a psychological burden getting a telephone call is an emotional burden now some of you don't know what i'm talking about thank god hashem but for people who deal with this it's just endless anxiety always always feeling the sense of restlessness what can such a person do what can a spouse do in such a case the first thing is you cannot take responsibility for this person but i can be here for this person and i could say listen your divine soul is larger than all of your trauma and all of your pain you can look at it you can create space for it and then you can transcend it but the first thing is you have to take accountability and not blame your spouse you cannot blame your wife or your husband for that trauma you have to take accountability for it and then get the type of help you need whatever that type of help is lifestyle vitamins exercise therapy medication whatever it may be but you have to take responsibility and i will be here to empower you i believe in you i love you i cherish you i see your beauty i see your greatness and i know that as much as i'm suffering your nusham is suffering much more it's an exile in this trauma and you don't deserve it you can emancipate yourself from it but only if you're ready to call a spade a spade and identify your pain and not blame the world wow the person is responding wow wow wow beautiful what you're teaching woman who said she was stuck did her make sure you if you have another question about that make sure because i want to make sure that that one's good this is an email that came in from uh if you as soon as your flyer went out whether you think we started getting flooded with emails so um someone said you know marriage makeover are you joking i'm just trying to get through my joke just through my day and she's right and only joking but not really you know so uh during covid and during this crazy time the kids are in school out of school you know all the work not work is it even possible to do a marriage maker and how would you do it in the midst of all this it's a great it's it's a great question one of the most beautiful teachings of the bolshev based on the madrish is that creation happens every single moment god didn't create the world 5781 years ago creation is new it's novel we say in the prayers every morning creation is innovative every single moment what's the point of this god could have created the world once and let it have let it move on create the laws of nature you know like the metaphor of the clockmaker the answer is god is teaching us that we can tune in to the heartbeat of life and that means the power of now every single moment is really new but this is not easy because most of us can't live in newness i'm always following a script based on the neural pathways that may have been developed 30 40 years ago and i'm just a victim to what happened yesterday to what happened twenty years ago comes to valsham and says no you can really emancipate yourself from that place and become new and become new means i'm choosing right now to be a person who was just created right now imagine if i'm stripped from all those traumas from all those fears imagine if when i meet you even though i met you already a thousand times there's no file that i have on you imagine there's no file that i have on me i have no opinions about me like a little child an infant discovering the world and then the possibilities are endless now it's not easy to live this way because our brain likes to go into the old story let's just go back to the old story so this is a really a daily meditation of saying it's a new day it's a new moment there's a new energy now of course this is not about not being practical and being in the nile there's covet 19 kids around the home and the home there's financial pressure emotional pressure psychological pressure marital pressure but this is a element of attitude you are not a victim of your circumstances in every situation our soul can shine in incredible ways and therefore i say to you don't look at it as oh me and my husband are suddenly going to become new people in the mess of our life doesn't work that way but you know what today is a day right now you have to make a choice right after this meeting right after our wonderful session here you and i have to make choices you're going to get a text from your husband you may send a text a whatsapp a call or unless you're together in the house how am i going to respond i can respond from a place of freshness from a place of possibility from a place of creativity and from a place of knowing who i am i am not a victim of trauma i am a child of god i am carved from infinity i am an ambassador of hashem in this world an ambassador of love light hope and hope my core is invincible when i can operate from that space i can create space for my pain i can cry for my pain i can weep from my pain but i will not get stuck in my pain wow okay so let's get to practical steps for a marriage makeover like what are some you know let's give them 10 things that that would reinvigorate you know first is the added let's number one attitude adjustment or uh re-putting on your brain and starting new today's a new day or whatever number two is i'm gonna give some practical some practical suggestions very practical i think i think they're practical but you know i'm a man so what's practical to me may be impractical for others but but but but i think these are these are quite practical things the first thing is it's important to have conversations it's covered now but you can take a walk every day with your spouse maybe not for an hour and a half but for 25 minutes take a walk without the phone even if you have to have a phone but the phone can't be used there's no checking you know the status of of joe biden and donald trump during this walk no clips not even my clips it's a walk and it's a walk just of conversations not about judging not about criticizing just schmoozing schmoozing talk about the weather talk about nature i live in new york so now the leafs are going through the metamorphosis preparing for the winter hibernation it's one of the advantages of new york over los angeles with all the respect we get the change of seasons some of us soon go into depression mode for six months we'll come back in spring and if you're married to such a guy you know what i'm talking about maybe you have to move to la but that's important try even we're both busy and stressed but try 20 minutes 25 minutes a day every other day a few times a week just take a walk connect number one number two it's a mistake many of us make and that is we have to remember something and that is and and people don't like hearing this but it's the truth marriage is a relationship that is inherently unstable it's not like works we often taught you get married and you live happily ever after no no no the baalha tanya writes he says something unbelievable he says a man and a woman is water and fire water and fire don't naturally coexist in a stable way the relationship has to be maintained it has to grow you have to work on it if i just let it be and maintain the status quo we drift away it falls apart people say i'm married what do what do two of you say in fiddler on the roof 25 years i'm paying your bills that's not called love what is love the relationship between spouses is not that a relationship between siblings even if i don't speak to my brother for two months unfortunately but if i don't two months later i come back and we continue the conversation of two months ago and nothing happened with your spouse it's not that way it's a relationship that is essentially so powerful and therefore it's inherently unstable what do i mean inherently unstable there's constantly a danger that we're going to drift away and we both have to actively invest time energy space commitment show caring and empathy to be able to hold on to that stability it's literally like fire and water don't expect that the marriage just flows on its own and it's beautiful no naturally most couples will emotionally drift away even if they're not ready to admit this we have to constantly reconnect every few hours is ideal but at least every day but really every few hours we have to reconnect i have to know that you have my back a thousand percent you have to know that i have your back a thousand percent it's not important that we agree but it's important that we trust each other and that has to be constantly re-reinforced i don't know i don't understand the fire and water analogy and also what's a costco marriage so maybe you can expect muscle a costco marriage you mean that they go to costco together i don't know you said it's a jewish marriage i don't know that it's a costco it's a jewish sunday afternoon yeah rabbi why why on on rabbi y um presentation that rabbi while i gave actually in torah anytime on the secret to um uh this uh secret to marriage rabbi why why said marriage is there's a fire marriage and a water marriage i like to call it a costco marriage no but i don't understand fire and water because fire and water rabbi is saying that you know fire means one partner is like burning up and the other person's putting the fire out or so i i no no fire and water in the sense both beautiful creations but very different properties and because very different properties very different types of identities you can't just expect fire and water to live together in peace and harmony without work in fact the talmud says the brachus if you dream about a pot you should anticipate peace because a pot creates peace between fire and water you have the water in the pot and you have the fire under the pot and together you create that piece and the i call the part of mechitsa that's what a makita is people say why do we have to have a merchant in the shoal who needs walls why do we need an iron curtain let everybody be together often people ask me during my lectures you know different communities secular communities around the world and i say to them it's like a pot do you need a pot if you want the fire and water to get along and to coexist and to benefit each other you need to have boundaries those boundaries are not because we don't care we don't want to be close it's because we want to be close it's because we want to benefit each other rather than destroy each other if you have fire and water without boundaries what happens either the water gets extinguished by the flare though either the water extinguishes the flames or the flames evaporate and dry up the water so that one of them is gone so the proper boundaries creates the respect that allows us to mutually benefit each other so the idea of fire and water is that very often a woman's life and soul is very vibrant it's extremely extremely vibrant you know men are i don't mean to make generalizations because there are you know feminine aspects and masculine souls and masculine aspects and feminine souls the cabal is filled with that idea and we're all interconnected to each other but generally speaking one could say that a woman's brain and a woman's soul is very much alive her antennas are very very sensitive she detects things in a relationship usually faster than the husband will detect things in a relationship there's a burning burning fire over there water is a very different nature water can also experience a tsunami so it's it's not like water is always relaxed but the point is that in order for the fire in the water to really become one it's an extraordinary feat mathematically one plus one equals two marriage is saying that one plus one should equal three or equal one how does one plus one equal one when you bring in the third partner something that transcends both of us which is called the divine presence that allows us both to come together but for that to happen we need a void it needs it needs conscientiousness it needs vulnerability it needs humility the point being is that every gesture in marriage and maybe this is a little dramatic but i think it's true every gesture in marriage every comment every response every text every whatsapp every telephone call every conversation even if it's about cheerios or costco about the kids or kalamaya trips if it's about chanukah candles or it's about leasing a new car small or big dramatic or undramatic any conversation or gesture either brings the couple closer or distances them you may not see it immediately but because this is not an inherently stable relationship it's just you get married and you're one no you get married and now you can create the miracle of oneness through continuous conscientiousness dedication commitment empathy and caring and therefore with every gesture we either become closer or we become a little more distant hopefully it's not very distant it's just a little distant and then we can come back come closer again that should be number three rabbi yeah that's really really good no i actually it's so funny i do have a question but have somebody wrote on instagram i don't want anyone asking any more questions because i'm hanging on every word rabbi why why is so gifted with his words and insights and i have dinar favorite dinah on torah anytime live stream who we love when you come on dina from london um who actually wrote um everyone feels good about themselves after hearing rabbi jacobson speak he's so validating she said so and she said it's actually so interesting about the pot merchant never realized this that proper boundaries are so important yes yes and yeah huge so that's a great one so somebody's actually um asking on on rabbi's pot example um what if the husband is the lid to the pot and controls everything i also have another question that came in which says what is the woman the fire and the husband the water or are both both so those are two questions one about the lid and one about yeah generally speaking both are both both are both there's no question especially certain individuals you could see it more but generally speaking according to jewish mysticism and books of makshava a woman is associated with ash with fire and and a man with water even though they're both both and you see it in the name ish man is aleph your chin so between the aleph and the shin which means fire there is a separation isha is al of shin and then comes the hay the talmud points the sound interacted saita so there is an element of fire which is why there is a certain warmth and sensitivity and sense of empathy and deep passion that exists within the feminine soul again water can also be quite intense and stormy if you've ever you know observed a hurricane the point though is not so much the names but rather the idea that there is an element of drifting away that is very natural and we both have to consciously put our souls and our imagination and our hearts and our minds into the relationship to be able to make it what it is capable of becoming and when a husband and a wife do do this they create probably one of the most beautiful things that exists on the planet or maybe the most beautiful thing that exists if a woman does that if she is doing it will her husband eventually do it in other words you know to try and get him sell him in other words it's hard enough work for a woman to do what rabbi is saying to bring her husband close but now to also be responsible for motivating him and make us that's the job of a woman but you know to do it in a way that that he can hear it and that i wouldn't say the woman is responsible for to motivate him i think every person is responsible for themselves ultimately i'm an adult i married you as an adult as an adult i am responsible for my life and i cannot blame my spouse the sages say that the beginning of the downfall of adam of adam it's one of the it's a very powerful teaching that the real downfall of adam was not that he ate from the tree of knowledge it's that afterwards he started to blame her and she blamed the snake and everybody was busy blaming each other in other words making mistakes is not the problem it's the blame game that's the issue the day i got engaged my older brother by simon jacobson i remember he called me and he said listen i'm going to give you advice why why and his advice was don't be perfect because he said i know you you are going to make so many mistakes he says all i ask you is be accountable don't be perfect in your relationship just be accountable when you make a mistake don't run away emotionally or physically don't run away remain present so i think that's so important every one of us has to be accountable for ourselves the job of the woman is not to take responsibility for the man and conversely however i do think that every person in a relationship is not only in a relationship with the other person you have to be first and foremost in a relationship with yourself and with god my identity cannot be completely defined by you i have to have a relationship with myself and with hashem and ask what does hashem want from me at this moment when i can do that then i can often bring the best out in other people ultimately they have to rise to the occasion but when i live life to the fullest living true to my soul and my calling at this moment i can i can create positive energy that allows you allows my partner my friend my soul mate my spouse to also be able to find their light that's how i would put it fantastic what about the lid the woman who called in and said her husband's the lid you say that your husband is your your husband is also the lid then he does something basically the water inside that because the lid is closed on top of the pot the water has nowhere to go it's just being controlled and she's literally like becoming you know nothing she's just has all this stuff inside that she has nowhere to be boiling over right right right so so i i'm just going to try to be very very practical about this there are people who are very controlling extremely controlling and sometimes you could live with it sometimes you can't live with it women are smart women are smart so you really have to figure things out obviously the ideal option is to get him into a room and have a conversation with him about this why are you so controlling you know what are you scared of are you scared of your own shadow do you not trust me are you still living in the holocaust and you're afraid that if you don't control every single moment you basically have a lot of trauma are you ready to deal with this sometimes a person is ready to deal with it and that's amazing sometimes he's not in that state either he's in denial or he's too messed up to be able to handle it and then a woman has to ask herself some serious questions can i still live a normal life can i still celebrate my life can i learn to live with this person somehow acknowledging his flaws but not falling into his traps can i still live an enjoyable and meaningful life can i see his virtues or not and the answer to that question every woman ultimately has to identify and see the pros and the cons and how you can handle it sometimes people are so controlling you're simply choking there's no space for you to live and then you really have to explore what your options are is he ready for growth is he ready to take accountability is he ready even incremental growth but slowly or he's not if he's completely not then you have to ask yourself the questions can i deal with it do i know how to sometimes you know a smart woman i don't want to use the word manipulative it's not about manipulation but sometimes she knows how to present a situation to somebody in a way that ultimately she will not it will bring out good things in him but again it's not her responsibility to you cannot take responsibility for a control freak and you really have to acknowledge and realize the problem and then ask yourself the real questions you know can i handle this how can i handle this what will be the best way to live under these circumstances do not become a shemata do not become a doormat and do not become the victim and start blaming yourself when it's really not about you a woman reached out to me recently her husband was controlling beyond especially in the bedroom and she felt guilty she felt that if she just gives it more and more and more and more and more and more and more she'll make him happy and then the marriage will be good but when i started to analyze what he's asking for he wasn't only asking things that will make him feel good that's fine that's a legitimate conversation he was asking for things that are not for his benefit it's just simply to control another person so sometimes you know you do it as a game it's fun fine that's great but i saw that there's a serious serious issue here this is not just about you know compromising we all have to compromise in a marriage this is about a serious serious dysfunction and then i learned about terrible you know he he's been abused terribly and this is his way of dealing with it so it's very important not to become a doormat and and just start blaming yourself wow so in in a situation where um and then i want to get to your our list of practical things we're running out of time and i want to get everyone to walk out of here with having some real practical guidance but in a situation like that that seems like it needs a third party yeah it's very very often in a third party and and i want to say something about a third party you know sometimes we hear the word rabbi or the word therapist and we say we're going to go to this person and whatever he says or she says we're going to do now i don't know how to say this nicely but it's just like doctors some therapists are excellent some of them are not very good and some of them are fine some rabbis are well trained in this area they're knowledgeable they're humble they know that they don't know they know how to refer it and that's wonderful sometimes rabbis are they're amazing people and they mean well but sometimes they really don't have an awareness of this particular topic let's take the issue of child molestation for many many years rabbis and i was one of them people would come to us and tell them about tell us about molestation we didn't realize how serious it was we didn't realize the consequences we were not educated and therefore we often dismissed it and or some people still dismiss it simply out of ignorance so it's very important to be an what i call an educated consumer you don't just go to a therapist whatever the therapist says we follow blindly no no if the therapist is not getting it if the therapist is not empathetic if this therapist is manipulative or this therapist took sides if this therapist is not very wise or doesn't get it it's time to move on you're not a victim of your therapist either it's very very important unless you know that you have a terrible dysfunction and illness and if you know that already you're pretty healthy and then you know that you cannot be the judge but very often if you're sitting by a therapist and it's not helping it's just getting worse and worse and worse and there's no way out and there's something off here don't be afraid to say this is really not working it's time you have to get the right person you have to have the right person sometimes the wrong people i'll give you an example the other way i know a woman lives here not far from me has nine children the marriage was not good it was a difficult marriage she comes to a therapist a female therapist the female therapist never met her husband but the female therapist decided that her husband suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and another bunch of illnesses and encouraged a woman to stand up to him and to not let him get away with anything which seemed so beautiful and wonderful and you know empowering for a woman and so forth and then i thought to myself one second this therapist never even met the husband how do you how do you say this about a man and what what happened now this woman is now with nine children separated from her husband the children are very very difficult how can how can a therapist do that without really understanding the dynamics and what if he could be saved she's a woman with nine children she's not a 19 year old single woman who teaches at best yakov and bora park she has nine kids for heaven's sake maybe divorce is the right thing but these are things that are life and death you have to realize who who who you're talking to i know another woman here also went to a therapist forgive me i love i have i'm a big fan of many therapists but i also know other stories and the therapist basically is telling this woman that her husband really doesn't like her you never met the husband why do you say such a thing to a woman maybe there's a misunderstanding that's why i say don't allow big names or big titles to ruin your life when it's unnecessary wow forgive me for my bluntness maybe i'm being too blunt no no it's true sometimes you might have to try one two three therapists until you get don't worship people people are not gods if it's not helping you it's time to move on if it's time it's time to move on it has to help you you have to see that there's camaraderie kinship there's a therapist there marriage therapy i send people to him because i like him very much and he told me once he said the greatest compliment that i get as a therapist is that the husband feels the husband never feels that i'm taking the wife's side the wife side never feels that i'm taking the husband's side in other words my job here is not to take sides and to rebuke the guilty party he's a low life he's a sick clueless dead man it doesn't help a marriage to tell a wife your husband is the worst creature who ever existed since the serpent in the garden of eden your job is to listen and understand to help the marriage your job is not to pit one against the other and say okay she's wrong she's a crazy wife okay great baruch hashem i won the game this is not a this is not a competition here you're trying to bring them together so you want everybody should feel that their voice is being heard and understood even if they're wrong but you want to help them grow and educate them yeah it's fantastic okay yeah by the way it's amazing how this i mean people are so there's hearts and i mean people are literally saying this is so valuable and it's so important for people to go with it to understand that going in because i think today therapy has become just the like you know oh yeah go to therapy go to therapy therapy and then it doesn't solve what the person needs first and it's amazing wow and someone said beautifully said um but one person is saying um which on the terra time uh live stream is saying ouch every gesture and conversation either brings closeness or the reverse such pressure no i see the other way around such an opportunity such an opportunity not such pressure let me let me let me take it to the cosmic story every marriage is a metaphor for the marriage between hashem and the jew what would toyota tell us every single moment in the day and the night is a moment an opportunity to get closer or to get more distant i don't look at it as pressure i look at it as if you see the closeness as a curse then yes i see it as pressure if you see the closeness as a gift what if i would tell you everything you eat and we all know it's true is an opportunity to get healthier to get more energy or to get sicker it's also pressure but that's just that's the beauty of life that's the story of life when you're in a marriage you're not a separate person we're one we're one 24 hours a day seven days a week 365 days a year every time i walk into the kitchen and my wife is sitting at the table drinking a coffee or saying to hillam or listening to your program or talking to her sister or whatever it is studying reading doing her thing and i walk in it's an opportunity to enhance our relationship i don't see it as pressure i see it as a gift it's a gift of god 24 hours a day seven days a week let me give you an exam we live in muncie we live in muncie we live in muncie a lot of nature here a lot of birds okay so i have a lot of birds on my porch there's a blue bird and a yellow bird and my wife knows the colors of the birds right just an example if she tells me if i'm reading something you know i'm busy with my book because i have a class in two hours she says wow why why look at that bird look at that bird what should be my response i don't have time now for the bird i should but i don't i could say okay and look back i just lost an opportunity i lost an opportunity for connection it's not it's not the end of the world it's not the end of the world that it's not called marriage abuse it's fine but but it's losing an opportunity every gesture is it's not just she's she's not only talking about the bird she's talking about the relationship she didn't call uh hillary clinton about the red bird or harris about the red bird she called me why it's a relationship i want to share with you my excitement about the birth this is an opportunity to look up and for 10 seconds to smile and to say something that connects you this opportunity we have throughout the day constantly on both sides we are so running out of time all of my staff is waving at me with questions in fact we had so much interaction and so many questions pouring in from all sides okay two practic two practical things two practical things in a bad marriage in a bad marriage i always know what my wife is thinking and i always know what my husband is thinking in a good marriage i don't know what my wife is thinking i don't guess and my wife doesn't know what i'm thinking instead i ask and she asks learn to be curious even though you're married 27 years or you're married 14 years you think you know everything about the guy or you know everything about her i tell you in a good marriage you remain curious you don't accuse you don't suspect you don't right away put her into a box or put him into a box ask ask questions have a conversation a conversation should be like when you were dating when you were dating you were curious rule number one rule number two instead of talking about what the other person did and how bad it was talk about your emotions instead of telling my husband or my wife oh you're so selfish you're so rude you're so clueless you're so in your own world you're so obnoxious you're so insecure blah blah blah blah blah which you may be right you may be wrong it's completely irrelevant delete that from the dictionary of your soul delete that the vocabulary has to change and that is when you said so and so to me two hours ago yesterday i just want to tell you how i felt how i felt this is what creates much better relationships because instead of pointing fingers and accusing it allows me to address my void and my needs and my yearnings for the past and for the present and for the future when both parties can do that it creates much more loving and trusting dynamic between them we had to go to part two so it's both watch today's part one of marriage makeover and then next week live we're gonna do marriage makeover part two with rabbi y y jacobson it is not to be missed i'm going to give you one little flavor of what he said he said don't be you don't have to be perfect you just have to be accountable which means that when you're if you make you know you don't have to like be so stressed out to be perfect just when you mess up just go back and fix it up and say oh i didn't mean to say that or whatever it is you just have to be accountable for what you've done it was brilliant that was such a one little smidge of this brilliance that came out of rabbi's mouth it was a fantastic show don't miss it this is leia richheimer with the ladies talk show we'll see you next time this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyoshiva.net donate