The Case For and Against Marriage - by Rabbi YY Jacobson

You know, they tell the story about a um a bachelor who was deeply connected with his mom. He loved his mom more than anybody else, and he also loved his cat. I don't know if it's much as he loved his mom or close or more, but he was really in love with his cat. And thus, he never left both. He lived with his mother at the home with the cat. He would never take a vacation. He would never go away for a weekend. He did not want to leave his cat or his mother. Finally, one day his brother convinced him that he needs to go chill out. He needs to go get some fresh air. He booked him a ticket to the Bahamas for 10 days and reassured him that he would take care of the cat and he would take care of mom with the same diligence as his brother. He gets on the flight, lands in the Bahamas. Brother got him a beautiful five-star hotel. Gets into his room, unpacks his bag unpacks his bags, has a beautiful view of the ocean, goes out on the porch. And that moment, the telephone in the hotel room rings. He wonders who calls him a few minutes after he landed. He picks up the phone. It's his brother. So, brother tells him, "You know your cat? He's got a doll. He is got a dash. The cat is dead." So, he what happened? What happened? He said, "The cat ran out of the house, went into the road, truck was coming, ran over the cat. It's a love her shalom, blessed memory. It's dead." The poor man is crushed to his core. He breaks down sobbing for 20 minutes. He can't regain his composure. After 20 minutes, he turns to his brother and he says, "And by the way, that was quite obnoxious. You know how deeply connected I am to the cat. You don't phone somebody and say that cat is kadal veyiskadash." So, his brother says, "What should have I done?" He said, "You break the news sensitively, slowly. You should have told me the cat ran up to the roof. Tomorrow, you call back and you say the cat is not coming down from the roof. The third day, you call up and say even the policeman can't get the cat down from the roof. The fourth day, you call up, you say the cat is now at the rim, at the edge of the roof. The fifth day, you say the cat fell off the roof. So, you gave me five days to prepare myself emotionally for the cat's death. That's how you break devastating news." And the brother says, "Okay, I apologize, and I promise you that in the future, I will be far more sensitive of the way I break news to you." "Fine," he says, "I forgive you. Now, tell me, how is our mother doing?" And he says, "Mom is ON THE ROOF." I SHARE WITH YOU THIS UH this anecdote besides for the fact that it's funny. Sometimes, it's important to be blunt about issues. Sometimes, it's important to beat around the bush, to be diplomatic. They say the definition of a good diplomat is he sends you to hell, but he makes you look forward to the journey. But sometimes it's important to be frank. You just got it, okay. To be frank, I guess you don't deal too often with diplomats like I do. Sometimes it's important to be frank, direct, and blunt. Not in order to be insensitive, there's no mitzvah to be insensitive, but we live in a world where people are very sophisticated. Our grandparents weren't as sophisticated as we. We are very sophisticated people. What do I mean by sophisticated? Abraham Joshua Heschel once said that today we read more and more about less and less. Oscar Wilde said that today people know the price of everything and the value of nothing. What I mean by sophistication actually dates back to a very early period in history. If you remember from the Hebrew school days, the story of Adam and Eve eating from the tree of knowledge based on the suggestion of the serpent. The way the Hebrew Bible introduces the serpent is three words, Ayah arum. Anybody knows what the word arum means? Arum means naked, it means cunning. Any other definition? Subtle. Okay, sly. So, naked, subtle, sly, cunning. Anybody else? Huh? What do you say? Arum. You want to say naked, too? Okay. I think the best translation is the snake was sophisticated. It was sophisticated. What made it so sophisticated? The way it influenced Eve to eat from the tree of knowledge. God told Adam and Eve, "Don't eat from that tree." It wasn't such a complicated commandment. Right? It's like what your girlfriend always tells you, "Don't eat." Or your mother told you, "Don't eat this. It's not good." Or your wife, "Don't eat this." Not so complicated. There's a bar mitzvah. There's a schmaltz biscuit. You right away have to go to the chocolate mousse. Right away you have to go to the fried food. Why can't you go to the salads? That's it. It's as simple as that. God said, "Eat from everything. Just don't eat that tree. It's full of carbs." That's it. Does the Talmud say? Talmud says it was wheat. It was carbs. The serpent comes to Eve and tell doesn't What does it tell Eve? It doesn't tell Eve, "Go eat from the tree because God said not that I say yes." It's too sophisticated. Sophistication never directly says, "He said no. I say yes. She said yes. I said no." That's not sophisticated. That's old fashion. Sophistication puts God's commandment in context. The serpent tells Eve, "Of course God said not to eat from the tree. You know why? I'll explain it to you. God never had a mother. Nobody ever nurtured him. He has a deficit of love. God struggles psychologically very profoundly. His deepest fear is competition because he's insecure. And insecure people are afraid of competition. This tree is a tree of knowledge. He doesn't want people to have too much knowledge. We have to feel bad for God. There's no therapist he ever went to. No spouse to love him. No parenthood. God struggles, and that's why he tells you not to eat from the tree. So, what does Eve do? Of course, she goes and eats from the tree. As any therapist will tell you, you don't have to suffer the consequences of your boyfriend's insecurities, right? What does your therapist always tell you? His problem is not your problem. Or her problem is not his problem, whatever it is. So, the serpent doesn't tell Eve not to listen to God. The serpent places God's commandment in context. In the context of God's own quote and quote shortcomings, frailties, issues. And once you put God in context, now his commandment becomes a relative one. Of course, he's telling it to you cuz he's insecure. Let's find God a therapist so that he can take care of his issues, but you got to eat from the tree. This is the genesis of sophistication. Sophistication eliminates all absolute categories. There's no good and bad. There's no right and wrong. There's no true and false. There's no moral and immoral. There's no beautiful and repulsive. There's no things you embrace and you reject. It's all perspective. It's all vantage point. That's the definition of our generation. We have grown up and our finest universities have taught us and continue to teach us boars, primitive people, extremists, fundamentalists operate in categorizations, absolute categorizations. This is good, this is not good, this is productive, this is destructive, this is positive, this is negative, this is evil, this is good, this is light, this is darkness. We know much better. There's no right and wrong. Everything is relative. Everything is perspective. One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter. From your perspective, this may be reprehensible. From my perspective, it's actually inviting and wonderful. Who introduced this type of thinking? The serpent. Take a look at serpents. The gate of the serpent is the most elegant, no? The gate of the serpent, it's elegant. It's sophisticated. It doesn't go in one direction. It takes a right turn, takes a left turn, and has an interesting mode to it. Its gate represents sophistication. But its bite kills. Its bite is venomous. Sophistication is good to a certain point. But it can also kill you. It can kill your most basic humanists. It can kill your most fundamental sensitivities. It could get you so confused that you don't know if you're alive or dead, who you are, who you're not. It could make you so ambivalent that you're not capable of taking any positions. You're not capable of forging ahead in a certain path in your life because everything is now in question. Everything is in question. Gut reactions are the worst thing to trust in this world of sophistication. We used to know that there's such a thing called I have a friend and I have an enemy. There's somebody who wants me to live. There's somebody who wants me to die. There's something called me, my loved ones, my family, my country, my people. There are those who want to see me dead. There are those who want to see me alive. Sophistication eliminates all such categories. Everything is perspective. It's even true with art. You can't look today at a painting and say, "This is beautiful. This is not beautiful. This is ugly." It's not sophisticated. Every critic will explain to you the context of the painting. You have to understand the milieu, the culture, the personality, the emotional baggage, the abuse that the painter endured, and then you can start talking about the painting. By the time you finish reading the article, you're suffering from a migraine headache. Just tell me if it's nice or it's not nice. Now, I consider myself to be somewhat sophisticated. But sophistication kills. It could kill if you don't know when to put a lid on your sophistication. That's what the serpent introduced into the vocabulary of humanity. No right and wrong anymore. And that's in many ways our generation on this side of the world. On the other side of the world, we're observing the exact opposite. We're observing cultures, religions, groups that not only believe in absoluteness, but the absoluteness has such a cruelty to it and a depravity to it. There's no questions asked. There's never a doubt sold in your mind. There's never sensitivity to another perspective. The most cruel, sadistic barbarity that we used to read about concerning the Middle Ages have now been resurrected in the modern age on YouTube in videos for everybody to see every other day or every other week. May God preserve us from ISIS and all similar cultures in the other side of the world. And here we have we have battles of two two extremes, literally two extremes. And this is why the world needs Judaism so much today. This is why the world needs Torah so much today. And this exact issue is perhaps most conspicuous in the area of relationships and marriage, intimacy and sexuality. Because it's here with a snake. The serpent of sophistication has revolutionized and transformed how we view and how we experience relationships. The title that was allotted to me this wonderful evening was the case for and against marriage. Now, I don't know the case for marriage. That you'll have to figure out. And I used to still I'm looking for a lecture who actually covered his entire topic. If he covers 50%, I'm good. So, the case against marriage I can cover. The case for marriage, you can cover. Anybody married here? So, then you can cover it. I'm just joking. They once asked a woman, "How I marriage?" She said, "Before I was married, I was incomplete. Now I'm married and I'm finished. I knew you can't cover it. I see how loud you're laughing. It was once There was once a man, a young man, he went to visit a cemetery. He had to be there for some purpose and he sees this old woman standing at a tombstone speaking to the tombstone weeping and crying loud, "Why did you have to die?" He approaches her and says, "Who died?" Your husband, your sibling, your best friend, God forbid your child. She's uncontrollably sobbing. "Why did you have to die? Why? Why? Why?" He tells her, "Tell me, tell me, who is it who died?" And she says, "My husband's first wife." The case against marriage is very well-known in our culture. Especially as I speak from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, which certainly this lovely island of Manhattan is the center of the world in so many ways and also the center of the world when it comes to the case against marriage. New York and California are the two states that perhaps lead us in demonstrating the case against marriage and the fact is that more and more young people are choosing not to get married. A young person the other day had a conversation with me after another lecture and he said, "You, my mother wants me to get married, Rabbi Jacobson, could you give me one logical reason why I should get married?" I said, "What do you mean?" He says, "Very simple. It used to be that there were certain practical incentives that drove people to marriage. One was officially, even in secular circles, before the 1960s, officially, in order to be able to enjoy intimacy, marriage was a necessity. But, that doesn't exist any longer. So, if you wanted romance, you wanted intimacy, you wanted excitement, you needed to get married. Today, huh, he said tells me it's the other way around. If I get married, it'll kill the romance. If I get married, IT'LL KILL THE INTIMACY. If I get married, it'll destroy the friendship. It's much better without marriage. No not too many expectations. It's free for all. There's no real commitment. No one has any complaints to you if you play around, YOU MESS AROUND. IT'S WONDERFUL. Tax discounts? Doesn't excite him. Seems like the only ones who are excited and are running today to get married are same-gender couples. They're extremely motivated to marriage. But, everybody else is like, I got to think about it. We'll wait 15 years. We'll see how it goes. We'll figure it out. THEY'RE NOT VERY EXCITED ABOUT MARRIAGE. YOU HAVE TO GET USED TO my humor, friends. Okay, don't take me that seriously. Or maybe you should take me seriously. It's true, you're saying, yeah? This Rebbetzin says it's true, okay? And if you say it's true, I know it's true. This is what this young man tells me. He says, "Tell me why I should get married. If I really want children, I can even do that without marriage. Certainly for romance, friendship, sexuality, intimacy, much better without marriage." I once managed I once had an interview with Jackie Mason. You know who Jackie Mason is? He repeats many of my jokes. So, he's an old Jewish bachelor. So, I once His name is Reb Yaakov. His name is not Jackie, his name is Yaakov, his name is not Mason, his name is Mazel. So, I once said to Reb Yaakov, "Tell me, do you ever regret the fact that you never got married?" He says, "No." I said, "Why not?" He said, "My father used to say marriage is an institution. And I don't want to be institutionalized." So, I said, "But what about a Kaddish? When you die, nobody to say Kaddish for you?" So, in his classic style, he says, "Listen. When I'm alive, I'm not dead. When I'm dead, I'm not going to know I'm dead. So, you want me now to care about the fact that when I die, I'm going to care that there's no Kaddish. When I die, I'll be dead and I won't care about anything and now I'm alive and I don't want to be institutionalized." I'm like, "Okay. Mazel tov." So, this young man, this young fellow, he said, "Rabbi Jacobson, give me one sound reason why I should get married." He says, "In many states, the statistics are that 50% of first marriages end up in divorce. 63% of second marriages. In some places, it may be higher. Even if it's somewhat exaggerated, it's not too much exaggerated. This means that every other marry marriage ceremony I attend is likely to end up in divorce. It means that when I address preschool children, if I will meet the same class when they graduate high school, it's likely that 50% of the class will be living with a single parent. These are very, very serious realities of today's society right here in the United States of America. So he says, "So tell me why I should get married. Explain this to me. So that in 3 years we could be by a lawyer fighting and after give her half of my assets? Explain this to me. If it was 7% divorce, okay. If it was 5 50%, 60%? So that means I'm one of them, especially that his parents are divorced and his uncle got divorced and his aunt got divorced and he has a sister who got divorced. So he says, "What are the chances that I'm going to stay married?" Not a bad question. We are a very progressive society, a very sophisticated society. We have seen, we continue to see technological advances in the modern age that our world hasn't seen for thousands of years. I mean, the changes in technology over the last century have been unparalleled and unprecedented for 5,000 years. The advances in medicine, the advances in physics, the advances in science. And yet, when it comes to the issue of interpersonal relationships as far as marriage is concerned, it seems like evolution is going the other way. Because you take two adult Americans, you put them in a house together and you say try to figure it out. And after 9 months, they're fighting like cats and dogs. So, somehow in this area, we have become very primitive. What is it that our grandmothers knew that we don't? Did you have You remember the portrait of your families from 1932? You have a portrait of your family in 1932. There's like 18 people in the portrait. Is anybody ever smiling? Nobody ever smiling. Everybody's like this, right? But the patriarch and the matriarch, your great-grandfather and great-grandmother were married for 62 years. They produced 11 kids, and they weren't that miserable. Today, everybody had a portrait is smiling like this. The photographer will shoot you if you don't smile. Today, we have bookstores, Barnes & Noble, and other bookstores where if there's a section on relationships that has at least 792 books. There are websites and seminars, workshops and retreats, all types of gurus, therapists, counselors, programs, mystics, cabalists, meditations that promise you to make you have a happy, fulfilling, exciting, interesting marriage. There's 672 ways to make her believe you care. 391 ways to assassinate him. Whatever the methodologies that there are today, you have everything. And yet somehow it seems that many of us are having difficulties in this particular area. So, friends, the case against marriage is a very obvious one. And it's becoming more obvious from day to day. And many people who once thought it obvious that when you get older, you get married, you raise a family, are now having second thoughts. Why should I get married? Let me delay it. Let me see how it goes. And even people who are married we live in a culture where I would say we have created a culture of divorce. Divorce has always been part of reality. In fact, in the Hebrew Bible and the Torah, there's legislation for divorce in the book of Deuteronomy. That's 3 and 1/2 thousand years ago. But a culture of divorce means something else. A culture of divorce is I once asked somebody who was getting divorced, "You're sure you want to go ahead?" And she said to me, "Oh, it's like changing an apartment." And somebody else once told me it's like changing a suit. Like, wow, interesting. That means that this person sees divorce in a completely different way. It's change apartments, you change suits, you change jobs, you change diets. And you change relationships. We created such a type of culture. Now, let me make it clear. Sometimes divorce saves lives. If there's abuse, if there's very serious and severe dysfunctionality, sometimes divorce is a necessity. And from a Jewish perspective, too. But from a Jewish perspective, it's a tragic necessity. Never a matter-of-fact necessity. It's an important but tragic one. And therefore must be thought over and thought over with very serious caution and sensitivity before it's done. But today's culture is a very different culture and therefore the case against marriage is enshrined in many people's psyche, especially young men and women's psyche for obvious reasons, both who are thinking of marriage or not even thinking of it or constantly delaying it. But I guess it would be a little inappropriate for me to just finish the lecture right here and wish you all good luck in your lives and good luck in your relationship and try to figure it out. What I want to now address is what Judaism sees as the case for marriage. And I don't want to speak in the heavens, meaning I don't want to paint a romantic picture of eternal bliss that speaks to very few people in reality and exists only in fiction novels. Because that case for marriage is an imaginary case for marriage. It's a delusional case for marriage, which may work in some lucky situations, but certainly not in the majority of situations. I want to discuss the case for marriage from a very grounded practical real perspective. And in order to do that I think it's important to point out a very enigmatic but fascinating term in the Torah about intimacy. We had three patriarchs Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Abraham married Sarah. Isaac married Rebecca. Jacob married Rachel and Leah. That's a whole story in and of itself, which I think I discussed at a previous lecture here for those who were here last year or 2 years ago. But tonight I want to explore Isaac and Rebecca. When the Torah describes the relationship between Isaac and Rebecca it uses a fascinating term. I'll say it in Hebrew and then translate. Yitzchak metzachek es Rivka ishto. Isaac was jesting. He was laughing with Rebecca his wife, and jesting doesn't mean they were making jokes. Jesting means they had intimacy. Why would intimacy in the Torah be referred to as joking around? It's a pretty serious thing. It's not only a joke, but that's how the Torah describes Isaac and Rebecca's intimacy. Mitzachek. Joking. They were jesting. They were laughing. Laughing is a euphemism in the Jewish Bible, in the Hebrew Bible, for intimacy, for sexuality, for oneness. Why? So, I'm going to ask you a question. What makes a joke a joke? Why do people laugh at jokes? What is the ingredient that makes for a good or funny joke? Anybody? Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. Surprise. TRUTH. TRUTH, BUT NOT only truth. For example, if I tell somebody who's fat, "You're really fat." You find it funny, they may not find it funny, right? So, it's truth. Is it only truth? Unexpected. Twist. A twist. Okay, very good. And this side? You fell asleep. Uh anybody? I know you derive pleasure from it. I want to understand why do you do? What is it about it that you're deriving pleasure from? Surprise, and you relate to it. Okay, very interesting. You know this story, yeah? Yes? So, it's something to do, I think, with the irony of the human condition, that that take something that is actually even serious. The irony of the human condition is what makes people laugh. Take something serious and give it this ironic twist that triggers our humorous taste buds. Thank you's very much. There was once a Jewish couple celebrating their 50th anniversary. Why you laughing? She gets up at the feast and she says, "I want to make a toast to myself for sticking it out with him for 50 years. A toast to him for sticking it out with me for 50 years. I want to tell you the 50 years of our marriage have passed like 2 days." People were very, very moved. A Jewish couple, not only are they on speaking terms after a half a century, but apparently their relationship has been so romantic and heavenly, just flew by like 2 days. There was one nudnik in the crowd. I assume you know what a nudnik is. My grandmother would say the shlemiel, the shlemazel, and the nudnik. The shlemiel pours the soup on the shlemazel. The nudnik wants to know what type of soup was it. There was a nudnik in the crowd. He raises his hand and he says, "Excuse me, ma'am. Why do you say that your relationship for 50 years has been like 2 days? Why don't you say your marriage for 50 years went by like 1 day?" I told you he was a nudnik, a classic nudnik. So, she says, "Cuz our marriage for 50 years has been like 2 days, Tisha B'Av and Yom Kippur." Those are the two toughest days in the Jewish calendar. Now, I want you to ask yourself why YOU JUST LAUGHED. WHY DID YOU LAUGH? YOU'RE STILL LAUGHING. Cuz it's funny. Thank you very much. There were three Jews in Palm Beach who would golf every day and then they would play bridge and drink gin. And they were doing this for 25 years since they retired at the age of 65. And each day they would tell each other jokes. But how long can you repeat the same recycled jokes and not get bored? So they finally got bored and they gave every joke a number. And instead of repeating the joke, they would just ANNOUNCE THE NUMBER. EVERYONE KNEW WHAT THEY were referring to and everybody WOULD LAUGH. JOKE 12, joke 15. One day a fourth retiree came and joined the club. He was new and he sits there and they're announcing numbers and he feels LIKE A GLUMP, A KLUTZ. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. AND IT'S NOT comfortable to feel SO OUT OF PLACE. After a week sitting there like a klutz, he decides to TEST HIS LUCK. And he SUDDENLY SCREAMS OUT, "JOKE NUMBER 81." THERE'S silence in the room. Nobody is laughing. He turns to them and HE SAYS, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHEN YOU GUYS SCREAM NUMBERS, EVERYONE IS LAUGHING. I SAY 81, NOBODY LAUGHS." THEY LOOK AT HIM AND THEY SAY, "You got to know how to tell a joke." The key component in humor is the unexpected. That's why delivery is so vital. That's why the comedian takes the audience in one direction and when they think they got it, he suddenly takes a sharp turn in another direction. The joke represents the uniqueness of the human condition, the sarcasm of the human condition. Humor takes reality and twists it around. So God says in the Torah, "You want to understand the secret of intimacy?" It's about humor. Isaac was laughing with Rebecca, his wife, laughing. What makes laughter? AN UNEXPECTED PUNCHLINE? HERE'S THE FASCINATING THING. THE FIRST Jewish child in the world, the first Jew was born Jewish, what was his name? Yitzchak. What does Yitzchak mean? A joke. LAUGHTER. LAUGHED. IMAGINE YOU COME TO YOUR therapist and you say, "My mom and dad named me A JOKE." WHAT WOULD YOUR THERAPIST TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR LEVEL OF SELF-CONFIDENCE? EVEN WITH YOUR NAME, YOUR THERAPIST keeps on telling you that you have no self-confidence. Imagine with a name like joke. What's going on? Who would name their first son joke, laughter? He's laughing, he's going to laugh. And that's the first name of the first Jewish boy. And that's why Jews love humor. Cuz that's our name. Yitzchak. We love humor because it's inherent to our identity. But why did Abraham and Sarah feel the need to name their first Jewish child laughter? He will laugh, he shall laugh, we will laugh. Because humor is essential to understanding the story of the human condition and the story of marriage from the Jewish perspective. And let's see how this develops. Uh fact, do you know that 90% of the top co- uh comedians in this country are divorced? How do you know? I made a survey. Do I know that 90% of comedians in this country are divorced? I don't know that. I thank you for sharing that. You have made my life so much more challenging. Complete. Funny. No, no, no, no, funny. By telling me that, but I'm not surprised. I'm not surprised. Comedians are usually very sensitive people. The greatest Yiddish comedian was a man named Sholem Aleichem. It was a pseudonym. He's buried here in the Bronx. He wrote his tombstone before he died in 1915. You know what Sholem Aleichem wrote on his tombstone? The man who made the whole world laugh, but inside a take a cranked inside he was melancholy and dejected and depressed. Sholem Aleichem's works sustained the generation of Jews suffering with his humor. His works were in Yiddish. Talented fellow, but that's what he said on his tombstone. You could see it in the Bronx. 1915, he had a large funeral in New York. So, let's understand this dynamic of humor and why comedians have so many struggles. There are two ways, my friends, in which you can define life. There is two two perspectives in which you can define life. One way in which you can define life is what is life about? Life is about me figuring out how to live the most comfortable life with the utmost pleasure possible in this world. And whatever I can do to achieve the pleasure and the comfort through my lifestyle, through my hard work, through my talents, through my resources, I will do. My relationships, of course, are also fueled by that agenda. I want to be happy. How can I be happy? By being comfortable, by living a luxurious life, a life of enjoyment, a life of pleasure, a life of delight. And for many of us, that means different unique hobbies, different unique inclinations, different unique proclivities. Although there are so many common denominators that most of us find pleasurable and delightful, more or less. One of them is when global warming finally decides to impact New York. That's one perspective of life, and it's a very natural and fair perspective. But there's another perspective on life. Another perspective on life is that the only way you will or I will be able to maximize my potential and to live the fullest life possible is actually if I challenge myself to transcend my ego, to transcend my identity, and be there for somebody else. And that's a big question. Is the purpose of life for me to figure out how every relationship can somehow sustain me and make me happier, make me more delightful, or will my ultimate pleasure in life come if I succeed in transcending myself and even my needs and really creating space for somebody else and being there for another person? Now, instinctively I would say the latter is idealistic, altruistic, selfless, but that's not a regular person. A regular person is driven by self-interests. My ego wants my delight, your ego WANTS YOUR DELIGHT. WHY DID YOU COME TO TONIGHT'S LECTURE? For me or for you? OF OF FOR YOU. WHY WOULD YOU COME HERE FOR ME? RIGHT? WHY did you come here tonight? Oh, really? You came here for me. What aspect of me did you come here for? The me that feeds you or the me that feeds me? Obviously, you came You came here BECAUSE THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT YOU LIKE BECAUSE IT ENTERTAINS YOU. SO, YOU WERE using me for you. Get out. I'm just joking. You could stay here. You could stay here. It's fine. This is how the world rolls. It's fine. You are using me. Ah, very good. It's called quid pro quo, no? It's a prostitute. Rabbi Salanter was the founder of Jewish ethics. You heard of Rabbi Salanter? He once saw a Jew eating chicken with passion. He said, "Why the passion?" The Jew says, "I love the chicken." He says, "Really, you love the chicken?" He says, "Absolutely. Rebbe, I just love the chicken." He says, "Interesting. How you TREAT THOSE YOU LOVE?" THIS CHICKEN'S THROAT was cut. The chicken was killed, ITS FEATHERS PLUCKED. Its meat sauteed, broiled, fried, barbecued, cooked. And now will be converted into your bloodstream. Is this how you treat all those you love? You kill them and eat them? You don't love the chicken. You love your taste buds. And the chicken happens to be a pleasing to your abdomen and your taste buds. Friedrich Nietzsche once said, "We don't love other people. We love our version of them." SO, THE FIRST PHILOSOPHY OF LIFE is obvious. It's instinctive. I want out of life what I can get out of life and I want out of you what I can GET OUT OF LIFE. AND THAT'S WHY I ENGAGE IN A RELATIONSHIP. HOW CAN YOU be here for me? Of course, we all understand if you want the relationship to survive, there are levels of compromise, but the basic definition is I am searching for my pleasure and my delight and if our relationship can contribute to that, GREAT. IT'S LIKE AN INVESTOR IN BUSINESS. WHY DO I GIVE up shares of my business? Why? CUZ I'M SELFLESS? NO, BECAUSE YOU'RE INVESTING MONEY. I NEED you to order to run my business. I need your money. It's not selfless. It's purely selfish. It's purely narcissistic. But Judaism has a different view on life. Judaism makes a very revolutionary argument in Genesis. And the argument is that a total understand what a human being is, you have to understand that K Bitzalel Ose Adam, meaning the human person is created in God's image. Now, what does that mean the human person is created in God's image? Torah believes that God is imageless. So, what does it mean I'm created in God's image? It means this. Why did God create the world? What motivated God to create the world? We create things because we're missing things. All of our creations comes from necessity. We create jobs because we need to build an economy. We create products because we need to enhance human life. We create hospitals to cure disease. We create neurotics so that the Jewish psychiatrist should make a living. Because there are psychotics, neurotics, and psychiatrists. The neurotics build castles in the air. The psychotics live in the castles. The psychiatrists collect the rent from both of them. All that we create is based on void, need. My question now is, what was God missing that prompted him to create a universe? What he was bored? He was bored? He really felt that the Middle East, that's exactly the type of world that can entertain him? What was he missing? By definition of God as God, so God is perfect, so there's no void, so there's nothing missing, so why is God creating a world? What's the problem? One of the greatest answers given by the Hasidic masters is this. The only thing God was missing was the fact that he wasn't missing anything. In other words, God was a perfect bachelor. And the perfect bachelor is missing nothing. Perfect bachelor is tall, slim, has a few houses, private jet, a machaya, good-looking, everyone is after him. There's only one issue. The perfect bachelor is alone, self-contained. Because somehow even in 2015, we have not yet reinvented marriage to the point that you could get married to yourself. Maybe that will happen. And there is merit to it. Let's face it, we all have split personalities. They say what's chutzpah? You come to the therapist cuz you have a split personality and you want a group discount. But by the present definition of marriage, you have to get married to somebody else, to another. God was a perfect bachelor, there was no other. He was missing nothing. God created the world because he wanted to give. He wanted to give. He wanted to have a relationship with another and another that is not pre-programmed, another that has free choice to build a relationship. When it says in the Bible that the human being was created in God's image, what it means is that for us to be fully human and for us to be fully Jewish, we could never maximize our humanness and our Jewishness if we don't have an area in our life where we create things just to give, not to take. Where is this institution brought out and challenged more THAN IN ANY OTHER situation in life? In marriage. Because marriage is a relationship that's not on your terms. It's a 24-hour relationship, so by definition it's not on your terms. When I'm dating you it's completely on my terms. I have a headache, I'm not in the mood, I'll see you next week, I'm going on vacation, I'm trying out somebody else, I'm not sure ABOUT YOUR MOM. WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED, YEAH, I HAVE A HEADACHE. I'm trying out somebody else, I'm going on vacation. Really, without me? You have a headache without me? It's not on your terms. Cuz marriage is an essential bond. You could be 30,000 miles away, you're still married. Men don't understand that, but that's the fact. Men think when they go to work, they get divorced till they come home. So when their wife calls them up middle of the day, what's going on? What are you doing? He's like annoyed. Like I once heard a husband respond, what am I doing? I'm in the casino in Las Vegas drinking a pina colada sitting on a hammock. What do you mean, what am I doing? He thinks he's divorced for the day. Marriage is in a relationship that redefines you. It's not anymore me, it's we. BUT, HOW DO YOU GET FROM ME TO WE? HOW DO YOU GET FROM M TO W? YOU HAVE to turn yourself inside out. You didn't get that. Okay. So, is I am upside down? You can't get from M to W any other way. And how do you get from soil to soul? It's the difference between I and you. So, they ask, what's the difference between children and adults? Children don't keep grudges. Every child tells his mom, "I hate you." Every child tells his father, "I'm never speaking to you again." But, 12 minutes later, especially if you give them ice cream, they're your best friends. Adults keep grudges for centuries, for decades. There's people you still don't speak to because of something that happened 29 and a half years ago. Why? And the answer is, friends, open your hearts, because children choose being happy over being right. Adults choose being right over being happy. As adults, we would often rather be right than be happy. I'll be right, then I'll be miserable, but I'm going to be right. Children don't have such inflated egos. The case for marriage in Judaism is that one has to ultimately answer the question, do you want to be right in life or do you want to be happy in life? If you want to be right in life, then don't get married. Certainly not to a Jewish wife. Just a joke. But, if you want to be happy in life, kill yourself. But, if you want to be happy in life, there's only one way in which a person can maximize the meaning of Jewishness and really humanness. And that is if I enter into a relationship where I am challenged to transcend my ego and create space for you. And there's no institution that allows me to do that on a daily basis like the institution of marriage. Cuz every other relationship is compromised uniquely by the fact that it's completely on people's terms. And that's why the Torah says in Genesis, "Lo it tov yoyso Adam levado eslo ezer kenegdo." It's not good for man to be alone. I'll create for him a helper against him. Really? Is Eva helper or is Eva against him? So Reb Shneur Zalman of Liadi and the Netziv both explain it fascinatingly. The greatest way that she becomes a helper is if she's against him. Everybody in life needs somebody to disagree with them. Cuz if you don't have somebody to disagree with you, your horizons will never be broadened. Your horizons will always remain as narrow as they are based on your own primitive identity. It's the challenge that somebody else, that otherness introduces into your life, that allows yourself to become larger than life, that allows yourself to become larger THAN YOURSELF, THAT ALLOWS yourself to emulate the divine, that allows you to become superhuman in the sense that you're not anymore defined by your own orbit, but rather you allow otherness to make you grow, and therefore the me becomes a we, and together you transcend your ego, and you're recreated in the divine image, which created the world in order to give. And that's why the name of the first Jewish Jew is The Name of the First Jew is a joke. Because what does a joke mean? What does What makes people laugh? Unexpected punchlines. So now I ask you the question, what is the most unexpected punchline in our world? And one of the answers is a happy marriage. If you're going to fight WITH YOUR SPOUSE, OF COURSE THAT'S NATURAL. 50% of people ask me, "Why is it 50% divorce?" And I always give my brilliant answer, "Why not?" Why not? 50% of the time the temperaments work out, and 50% of the time the temperaments don't work out. It's so difficult to comprehend. Two adults, right? It's like two companies merging. Everyone has its own idiosyncrasies. Somebody asked me, "Why should they get married in their 20s rather than their 30s?" I said it's a difference between merging startups or companies that are already WELL-ESTABLISHED FOR DECADES IN BUSINESS. IT'S SO MUCH HARDER. AOL and Time Warner, you know what a headache that was and is? Cuz everybody already has their meshugas and their idiosyncrasies. I have my way, your way. So a couple to fight, TO GET DIVORCED, THAT'S NATURAL. TO GET into arguments, of course. You're human, you argue. You're Jewish, you argue more. You're very Jewish, you kill each other. You're really religious, you eat each other. Was on an El Al El Al flight. So you know, the airline attendant comes over to one of the Jews, says, "Would you like dinner?" He says, "What are the choices?" She says, "There are two choices." He says, "What are they?" She says, "Yes or no." IT'S NATURAL TO QUARREL. It's natural to separate. It's natural to get divorced. My ego and YOUR EGO DON'T GET ALONG. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I COULD SPEND AN HOUR WITH YOU IN THE ROOM, BUT THERE ARE LIMITS. 2 hours, 2 HOURS. I'LL date you, fine. 9 months, 9 months. 9 years, LIKE IN THE UPPER WEST SIDE, FINE. But after that? I told you once a woman came over to me after a lecture once and she said she's been dating her husband since high school. They never got into a fight. After 18 years they got married. I asked her, "Why so short?" And she says now they're married for 9 months and they're killing each other. Why? I told her it's very simple. You dated one guy and you married another guy. She says, "What do you mean?" I said, "During dates it's not hard for a man to make believe as though he's a member of the human race. For a few hours a week he can disprove Charles Darwin." He Right? I remember when when I dated my wife I consulted my dear sister Khani. So the first thing she said, "You open the door for her." So that's why I always say whenever you see a man opening the door for a woman, it's one of two things. EITHER IT'S A NEW WIFE OR A NEW CAR. HE OPENS THE DOOR FOR HER. SHE COMES into the car. He looks her in the eyes. He says, "So how you doing? Share with me everything that happened the last 24 hours." She speaks for the next 2 hours. He says, "Tell me everything that happened the last 72 hours." She shares FOR ANOTHER 2 HOURS. HE DROPS HER OFF AT HER FLAT, AT HER APARTMENT in Soho, 11:30 p.m. And he goes to his place. And when he comes into his place he throws off his shoes. One shoe in the east and one shoe in the west. One sock in the north and one sock in the south. And nobody is there telling him how obnoxious he is, how disgusting he is, how sickening his behavior is, how his mother never taught him manners. It's wonderful. Then he plops DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH a bag of potato chips, a twig of beer, opens up the television, watches a tennis match between two people of Czechoslovakia he never heard of, and he enjoys it until he falls ASLEEP 10 MINUTES LATER, WAKES UP AT 1:00 in the morning, oily, greasy, heavy, gets up from the couch and like a hippopotamus walks to his bedroom. Of course, his bed is covered with laundry, there's nowhere to sleep, but he has one corner in the bed designated for his body or corpse. He goes into bed and it works perfectly. AND THEN TOMORROW NIGHT HE GOES OUT ON THE NEXT DATE. WHAT'S the big deal? But then BUT THEN YOU GET MARRIED. I TOLD HER THEN YOU GET MARRIED. AND FOR starters for starters she discovers what the bathroom looks like after a shower. Noah's flood pales in comparison. What's worse? The uses the wrong towels to dry his body. He uses the towels that have tassels on the bottom. Go explain the guy that there's two types of towels. There are towels without tassels, there are towels with tassels. And the towels with tassels were never meant to dry the body. The towels with tassels were there to create artistic symmetry between the wallpaper and the toothpaste, the toilet bowl, and the skylight, and his wife's taste during that week. And this guy is using these towels for his body. You're supposed to remain married to such a And then YOU DISCOVER SOME OTHER THINGS, which I'm not going to elaborate, but you discover his ego, you discover his temper, you discover him in the presence of his mother. From a self-confident macho fellow, he's reduced TO AN ANT. THESE ARE ALL THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW DURING THE DATING. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH time you spend together. I don't care if YOU'RE IN ONE APARTMENT. DOESN'T HELP. AND WHEN YOU DISCOVER EVERYTHING, OF COURSE YOU GET INTO ARGUMENTS. SO, you go to one therapist to another counselor. You go from one rabbi to another guru. You go from one workshop to another meditation. YOU START PILATES, YOU SEND THEM TO YOGA. YOU DO TRANSCENDENTAL MEDITATION, YOU TAKE A HONEYMOON TO THAILAND. YOU GO OUT EATING EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, SO GOD FORBID NOBODY HAS TO STAND IN THE KITCHEN AND COOK. THEY SAY, "WHAT DOES A JEWISH woman make for dinner? Reservations." But friends, it's almost all irrelevant. Cuz if we're not ready to tackle the core of the issue, and the core of the issue was we were created for one purpose, to generate laughter. How do you generate laughter? By making sure that the chapters of your life conclude with an unexpected punchline. And how do you make sure that the chapters of your life conclude with an unexpected punchline? When you surprise your ego. When you surprise your imagination. When you let your soul surprise yourself. That's the essence of a relationship. Allowing your soul to surprise your ego. Allowing your inner soul to laugh. To make your ego laugh from itself. That's what Isaac and Rebecca, the first Jewish child and his wife knew. They had opposite natures. Isaac was introverted and Rebecca was extroverted. They didn't even like the same children. Isaac loved Esau, Esau. REBECCA LOVED JACOB. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN DIVORCED 19 TIMES. But it's the only one about whom the Torah says, Isaac married her and loved her. Him and Rebecca, how? They knew how to laugh. They knew the secret of humor because that was his name. What's the secret of humor? The secret of humor is the irony of the human condition. We were created to surprise ourselves. We were created to transcend every ego and to create space for somebody else. And in the institution of marriage, me and my wife are CHALLENGED DAILY TO ASK NOT WHAT SHE can do for me, BUT WHAT I CAN DO FOR HER. Kennedy got it from us. And when that happens, it's not that you become a selfless saint. You become a maximized human being. You become a self-actualized Jew because you emulate the divine. And in that process, both of them don't only give, they also take. So, the case for marriage from a Jewish perspective is really to fulfill the purpose of creation. The very challenge of marriage challenges us to fulfill that purpose. The very challenge of a relationship with that level of commitment is what allows us to become larger than the ego and get in touch with the divinity within ourselves, which by definition is our ability to transcend ourselves and create space for the other. So, my dear friends, I want to bless you that the next 50 years of your relationships and the 50 years afterwards should pass like 2 days. Like Purim and Simchas Torah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. And now, thank you. And now we will take questions and objections. Go ahead. So, Rabbi, you know, one of your jokes you told has a second punchline you left out. I told jokes? Okay. The fellow goes back to the clubhouse the next day and says, "Joke number 14." People laugh a little bit, but one fellow laughs very much. He says, "It's hilarious." So, he asks his friend after the night, he says, "Why why would that person laugh so much?" He never heard it before. Very good. Yes. Don't you think a man asked A little louder. Yeah, so in this day and age, don't you think part of it is the acceptance of the lack of exclusivity that maintains in a relationship? So, like with social media, publicizing a relationship or with dressing, with with a lot of different aspects of a relationship where you would gain exclusivity in the '50s and before that, we've become so progressive where we've lost with technology, with, you know, a lot of that um intimacy. Extraordinary point. I totally agree with you. And this is a tremendous byproduct of what we're talking about. When I commit in a relationship to somebody else, it means not just I like you, I enjoy you, I appreciate you, even I love you. It means I am committed heart, soul, essence to you. Husband to wife, wife to husband husband husband. To the exclusion of all else. And everyone else. Not to the exclusion of everyone else that I don't have any of more friends. A relationship with spouses demanding that you not have any friends is a dysfunctional relationship. But to the exclusivity where there's no other relationship that can interfere in our sanctity, in our sacred commitment to each other. To allow anybody to interfere into the sacred intimacy of marriage is a violation of a sacred commitment in the Jewish world. And when that is breached, it undermines trust and it undermines loyalty. And the foundations of a good marriage are trust and loyalty. If the wife or the husband are feeling that somebody else is given the freedom to interfere in that sacredness of marriage, that doesn't mean that you have a friend. It doesn't mean that you send a text to somebody. It means that you share intimacy with somebody else. That undermines the trust and the loyalty and it erodes the foundations of marriage. And it's all based on the same situation on the same question. Am I ready to say that part of the purpose of my existence is to create space for you in my life and to commit to you completely? Marriage is a complete commitment. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. When I'm on vacation, when I'm not on vacation. Doesn't mean I don't have hard days. Doesn't mean I'm never upset at my spouse. Doesn't mean I'm not in a bad mood. doesn't mean we have this don't have disagreements, but it means even if we have disagreements, we still hold hands. Even if we have disagreements, we're still accountable to each other. Even if we're upset at each other, we have to confront each other. We have to talk to each other. We have to be upset at each other. Not go to different sources to alleviate that upsetness. That erodes a marriage. And this has directly to do with the moral question if a person realizes that this is the purpose of existence. If I don't realize this is the purpose of existence, why should I share that exclusivity with you? Why should I tear myself away from all fun relationships? It's really about education of how we understand what the purpose of existence is. Thank you. Very good. Yes. Um the idea of getting uh past our egos to be kind. Yes. How does that compare to making space for the other person? How do those two things work? Yes. I think it's the Making the space is the prerequisite for kindness because if I'm making if you know some You could be kind to a cockroach. Could you? You could be kind to a mouse, to a rat. You could be kind to your car. You should. To your computer. Right? But you don't make space for them. I could be kind to somebody. In other words, I'm a nice person and I'm kind to you. That's not marriage. Marriage is I have to take you seriously. I'm not just kind to you. I create space for your personality. I once saw a t-shirt, I'm very easy to get along with once you learn to worship me. You know, if you're my slave, I could be very kind to you. I buy you tennis bracelets. I give you six vacations a year. You can have a hundred pairs of shoes in the closet, and I'm very kind. But, it's all on my terms. You're mine, and I'm kind to you. A marriage means I have the courage to really create space for you. Space means I respect your personality. I don't only love you, I respect you. There are two terms in Hebrew. There's ahava and there's kavod. Ahava means love. It's the numerical value of what? 13, which is the numerical value of the word echad, one. Ahava means I love you cuz I recognize we're one. Respect means I recognize we're not one, and therefore I respect you. There is something about you that is different than me. Love means we're one. Respect means we're not one, and that's why I respect you, and I respect the boundaries and the space. Often, there's people we love, but we can't get to like them. Right? Some of our family members, we love them, but we can't like them. How do you learn to like the people you love? Sometimes with our spouse, we love our spouse, but we don't like our spouse. Sometimes the problem is we like our spouse, we don't love our spouse. Often the problem is we hate our spouse, and we don't like them, nor do we love them. But, love and like are two def- very different creatures. Love means, thank you, send them my love. Love means Love means we're one. Respect means we're not one. Are you one with your spouse? Are you not one with your spouse? Answer, both. You're one with your spouse, and you also respect your spouse. I don't take responsibility for my spouse. I don't live my spouse's life. I don't have my spouse's soul. I share my soul with my spouse, but I don't take responsibility for your soul, and I cannot breach the boundaries that every person needs. That's the brilliance of the laws of mikvah. The laws of mikvah, you know the laws of mikvah. Basically, in Torah Judai- Torah observance, there's 2 weeks when a couple has intimacy, and there's around 12 days when a couple doesn't have intimacy during the cycle of the monthly cycle of the woman. Many people look at these laws and say they're quite archaic and weird, right? Today, we know it's very obvious there's a very profound psychology here. Because there's two types of relationships. There's a relationship of love and a relationship of respect. The Kabbalists call them a relationship of fire and a relationship of water. A fiery relationship is it's hot. It's passionate. It's electrifying. A water-like relationship is cool, collective, calm, cold. It's like a business relationship. Like a friendship. Like a boyfriend or a girlfriend that you have. Every couple wants both. We want a fire-like relationship. We want it to be atomic, nuclear-like. No pun intended. We want it to be fiery. We want it to be exciting AND WARM AND HOT. BUT ON THE other hand, fiery relationships, like fires, they burn fast and hard and then boom, fire's gone. We want also a water-like relationship, calm, reliable, smooth, RELAXING. THERE'S ONE PROBLEM. THE GENIUS HAS NOT YET been born who learned how to synthesize fire and water. Either you got fire OR YOU GOT WATER. YOU GOT WATER OR YOU GOT FIRE. SO, YOU HAVE RELATIONSHIPS, COUPLES THAT ARE LIKE BUSINESS PARTNERS. And you have couples that are like Iranian nuclear reactors. MOMISH REACTORS. FIRE, WHEN IT BURNS, it's awesome. And when it starts burning in the other direction, woah. When they get angry at each other, stay away. Usually it happens on vacation. When men are bored, they're dangerous. So, the Torah came up with a model. You know what the Torah's model is? Two weeks fire and two weeks water. Get it? Two weeks fire, LET THE FIRE BURN. AND two weeks water. Two weeks love and two weeks respect. Two weeks helps you realize how one you are, and two weeks helps you realize how you're distinct and you ought to respect those distinctions. And that helps the love grow and grow and not be taken for granted, nor can it become boring. Because you're always looking forward to become one again because you're always being separated. It's called legal Torah separation. And then you don't have to get divorced perhaps. So, that's the idea of space. Get it? It's not just kindness, it's space. Yes. Yeah. Um you have told us a lot about what we need to do. We need to change the the M into a W. We need to provide space for the other person, the what. Where it breaks down I think for a lot of us, um the 50% who get divorced and the others who've been married for 50 years, is in the how. How do we do it? And what that involves is change. We're going to change the way we we do things, we live, we think. We know change is very difficult, the most difficult thing for people. So, I think what we need is not just the what, but also the nitty-gritty, the practical how. And then it's a question. Ah. how? How do we do this? So, that you've got both parts of the puzzle. Because I think, you know, the people, you know, Okay, I got it. I got it. Our dear friend, what's your first name? George. George Gavald. Then your Jewish name? Mordecai. Gavald Mordecai George. We're soon going to read about you. Purim. Reb Mordecai Reb George tells me I spoke about what, but I didn't say how. An manual that tells you what and doesn't tell you how is worthless, and you return the product. So, he wants his money back. No, no, I'm just joking. I'm just joking. Okay. The what is really life, but let me specify very briefly a few points of what. Number one, value system. When you're dating somebody or you're thinking of marriage, one of the most important things to examine is what is your value system? What is your belief system? We focus on attraction, which is important, on brains, which is vital, on money, which is somewhat important, on career, which is important, but sometimes the most important quality is ignored, and that is do you share value systems? Do you share ideals? Do you have the same beliefs in life? What is life? What is the purpose of life? What is the objective of life? These things may be intangible, but they are the essence, the fuel, the soul of a marriage, especially if there's going to be children. What are we really creating in our home? What is the purpose? What type of home do we want? What type of future do we have a relationship with something outside of our comforts, of our luxuries? Is it just about great careers, making a lot of money, and being as comfortable as possible, which is fine, but you have to discuss this. And you want to share a value system where both understand that the part of the purpose of life is exclusively committing to a partner and being there for them, because if we both don't share that value system, the first time we have a serious fight, we don't have the backbone and the spine and the moral perspective that will keep us together even in difficult times. And I'll tell you something which which may be surprising for some people. The ultra-orthodox community has lots of challenges, trust me. Just like every community has lots of challenges. Okay? The divorce rate there is you know how much? It's very low. It's probably between 6 and 10%. Now, in some cases the reason for that is fear, phobias, isolated communities. She doesn't work. She doesn't have a degree. How is she going to support herself? Stigma. That's part of it. I'm not going into a world of naivete. But that scientifically does not attribute to the discrepancy of divorce rates, of divorce percentage rates. There's a reason for it. And the other reason for it is this. The value system of Torah Judaism inculcates in people a certain perspective on how you view relationships, how you view marriage. And that is it's not a luxury. It's not something if it works out, okay, we'll stick to each other, but it's inherent to my purpose of life. And because that's the value system, it's much more likely to work. That's point number one. What is your value system? Point number two. When you enter into marriage, what are the prospects? Often we live in a culture in a society when we're getting married, we're already thinking about the possibility for divorce. But here's the deal. If divorce is an option, we're going to use that option. Because if I have an exit door to go out from, I will use that door. And let's face it, which couple will not get into fights? 50% of couples will get into serious fights, and they will use that door. From a Torah perspective, when a couple gets married, the thought process has to be divorce is not an option. We're married for life. Of course, we both know divorce is AN OPTION. THE TORAH says it's an option. Of course, we know things might happen unexpectedly that will necessitate divorce. We know that. But as far as our mentality goes, divorce is not part of the equation, only marriage. And that means when there's a challenge, WE WORK IT OUT. WHEN THERE'S A FIGHT, WE WORK it out. When there's a problem, we work it out. And then the woman and the husband can build trust. Cuz if I feel that my wife, in a year from now, if she gets really mad at me, and she does, has an option for divorce, how much can I really be vulnerable? How much can your wife be vulnerable if she knows that in 6 months you might get interested in somebody else? And just like your friend, you'll also get divorced. How vulnerable will this woman be? How much will she put her soul into the relationship? Women especially, who are very deeply emotional in a good way, right? And they have less cover-ups in many ways. And when they're in a relationship, it's with their whole essence. If women don't have that trust, they're never going to be able to give their whole soul into the relationship. And if a woman doesn't put her whole soul into the relationship, it's not an eternal marriage. So, that sense of we're getting married and divorce is not an option. If it happens, it may happen, God forbid, but it's not an option. And therefore, we don't go there. This is a what that makes a very serious difference between one perspective and another perspective. There's a third what. And that is the way you search for a spouse. People say, "I've been dating for years. I can't find anybody." It's true. But the question is, what are you looking for? If my computer dies, it breaks, I go into a computer shop, and I need a computer, okay? Will I come out with a computer? I will. Why? Cuz it's a necessity. Will I get the most perfect model for the right price? Of course not. I'll get something which has the basic needs. I won't compromise on the basics. Will I get exactly what I imagined? Of course not, but I'm going to come out with a computer cuz I need it. If people would feel that marriage is an absolute necessity, you'll come out with a computer. But we don't feel that way. We feel, if I FIND THE RIGHT CAR, I'LL BUY IT. YOU'LL NEVER find the right car for the right price. You'll never find the perfect computer for the right price. THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A PROBLEM. BUT WITH A COMPUTER, I KNOW I can't live without it. I have to compromise. With marriage, we think, I can go on without it. In the Torah perspective, marriage is an essential component of life. Don't compromise on the basics. DON'T COMPROMISE ON THE BASICS. DON'T BUY A WASHING MACHINE INSTEAD OF A COMPUTER. That's not a good idea. But if YOU'RE GOING TO START DISSECTING EVERY NUANCE AND DETAIL, you're never going to get a computer. You're never going to find a spouse. Which guy is perfect? That's what happens. This is another what. It's all perspective. And I'm going to say one more what. And that is there's no guarantees for being a mention life. Some people are mention, some people are not mention. And Yiddish is an expression. A mention is only a mention, sometimes not even that. However, the structure of Yiddishkeit, what do I mean by Yiddishkeit? Judaism, of Torah and mitzvahs, is one that makes it conducive that the what can thrive. For example, take the institution of Shabbat in Torah. The fact that a woman or a man knows that they'll be sitting together at a table, he won't be texting, he won't be emailing. No TV, no other distractions, just focusing on the relationship. That is extremely conducive for that type of marriage. The structure of mikvah, the structure of study, the structure of holidays. Somebody once told me, he says, "I'm an atheist, but I became a believer because atheists have no holidays." Somebody else told me they got divorced because of religion. I said, "You're an atheist." He says, "No, it was religion. My wife worships money and I don't have it." The structure of Yiddishkeit is one that makes it conducive that if a couple wants, it allows this type of marriage to grow. I think these are a few practical realities in our lives that we can introduce each one according to our own capacity to help this. You were raising your hand the whole time, so let's just take one more. No, I was just going to say I wanted to ask you, as we progress, where we thought for 5,000 years, let's say, we were getting married and this was the institution that we all agreed to as a as a social norm. In the last 50 years, the things that we thought in 1950, let's say, we would have never thought exist today, such as, let's say, safe sex marriage. In maybe 50 years, you'll be able to marry two people, or maybe you'll be able to marry yourself. And things that we never would ever think about before, marry a tree. What Where do you think with this polarization of the extremist and the progressive, which is really a basis for hypocrisy of what you want, you want the fire, you want the water, you want It's it's a basis for hypocrisy. Where do you really think we're going? I mean, we are maybe the small minority of what may exist in this generation. Where do you think in a century from now this definition of marriage will hold? Yeah. Well, I think the same-gender issue is a very uh it's a very sensitive one. Obviously very controversial one. And I think we often voices from one of two extremes. The voice from one extreme is so-called the liberal gay camp voice, which believes in abolishing any previous standards, which were all based on phobias and primitiveness and lack of respect for alternative lifestyles, and therefore all boundaries are gone and and same-sex marriages are as valid and as sacred and as wonderful as any other marriage, and who are you to judge and discriminate against somebody. We all know that view very well. It's been popularized very well, and it's even preached today in the name of science, even though I can guarantee you that in the last 10 or 15 years every scientific article about homosexuality 99% of it is not science, it's politics. The conversation about it is completely politicized, and there's very little objective pure science in one direction or the other direction. But that's another subject. Then there's the other voice. And the other voice is the very conservative voice, which is a very extreme, and that is homosexuality is an abomination, it's evil, it's it's disruptive, it's it's not good. It's it's terrible, certainly should never be accepted. And there's absolutely no room for it in society. And so on and so forth. And and and therefore we oppose it and we oppose it fully and so forth. I think it's extremely important to appreciate the nuance of Torah, of Judaism. The Torah clearly prohibits homosexual uh homosexual relationships in the book of Leviticus. It's a relationship that is forbidden in Judaism. But the Torah is extremely extremely sensitive to the struggles of individuals, meaning the homosexual relationship is considered wrong in Torah. The person who struggles with that emotion, the person who struggles with that is not evil in any way. They may be far holier than the greatest tsaddiq you know, because they didn't choose those struggles. And because they didn't choose those struggles, we have to be extremely sensitive, respectful, and empathetic of people's journeys, and people's challenges, and people's struggles, even though that doesn't mean that homosexual relationships is permissible. One step further. There is a misunderstanding today of what Torah is. Most people understand Torah as religion, the word even if you believe in it, the word of God superimposed on human nature. That's not Torah. The Zohar says that Torah is the blueprint of the world, meaning when God created the world, he used a blueprint. What was the blueprint? Torah. Meaning, the world mirrors Torah. Torah mirrors the world, like a home mirrors the blueprint. So, when Torah describes something that's permissible or forbidden, it's not a description of what ought to be, or what ought not to be, it's a description of the essential nature of the reality of that particular item in the world. It's not a law how to behave, it's expressing the true nature of that particular reality, and saying if you behave in this way, you will behave in a way that expresses its true nature. If you don't behave this way, you will actually be crushing, or repressing, or denying its true nature. In other words, when the Torah says a mitzvah, do this, or don't do this, you can translate it as a commandment, you can also translate it as expressing the true reality of what is the need of this person, or of this reality in the world. So, when we speak about the 613 mitzvahs, it's essentially a 613-step program for the Jewish the Jew in recovery, and every Jew should be in recovery, accommodating his or her soul. When the Torah prohibits homosexuality, the Torah is not saying, "I don't care about your tendencies, and despite your tendencies, I tell you I couldn't care less. This is what you do." That's a violation of what Torah is. If one really takes Torah seriously as the word of God, God as the creator of the human being is telling the human being that for you to maximize who you really are based on your reality, I'm telling you this relationship will not do it. It may be very tempting. It may be extremely tempting, just like it's tempting for many heterosexuals not to have one woman, but to have many women. It's very tempting. Right? It's very tempting, but it will ultimately destroy your inner reality. It won't enhance your inner reality, even though it's tempting. Temptation and productiveness are not the same thing. What can be I love cheesecake. It's poisonous. Okay? I love some other things that are poisonous. I'm not going to get into details here. You understand? JUST BECAUSE I LOVE it doesn't mean I really love it. It means my instincts love it. It means my insecurities love it. It means due TO MY OTHER VOIDS, my nature builds up appetites to these types of things. And the same is true with homosexuality. So, therefore, I think the balanced view, which will become the future of civilization, if Jews live up to their responsibility and take Torah seriously and teach it to the world, will teach the world a guided and balanced equilibrium of understanding relationships in the sense that certain things are productive for society and for the individual. Certain things are not. But not because we discriminate or we disrespect individuals and we have phobias and we can't deal with people who are different than us, but to the contrary. We appreciate their struggles, we appreciate their journeys, and from sensitivity to their journeys, we want to figure out a way in which they can find their soul and find their way back to their true soul. And I think that's where the future is.