The Betrothed Addict - Parsha Matos - By Rabbi YY Jacobson

[Music] good evening one of the most fascinating adventures in the study of Torah is the absolute synchronisation in every law between the legal and the spiritual between the concrete and the transcendental tonight we're going to explore a law that at the surface seems extremely technical legalistic and yet upon deeper reflection we will show how the legal dimension is only a mirror for psychological emotional and spiritual essence in one's journey throughout life the 30th chapter of The Book of Numbers the portion of mitosis deals with the commandment for a person to fulfill their vows and promises Judaism takes words very seriously God Genesis tells us created the world through words we can destroy the world through words we can also heal the world heal souls and hearts through words words have significance and power and when you make a vow when you make a pledge you ought to keep it and not desecrate it and violate violate it but there's also the concept of annulment of valves knowing known as a forest Nidoran different methods through which you can nullify vows and promises that you have made so that you are not held any longer responsible and accountable for fulfilling them now one of these laws of the annulments of vows deals with a father and a daughter if a child makes a vow verbally a boy or a girl they're not held accountable after all they're children and they are not responsible for their verbal promises but once they reach a certain age a son Bar Mitzvah 13 a daughter Bat Mitzvah 12 now if they make a vow or a pledge a promise they have to keep it with a daughter there is an opportunity for her to annul the vows in the following method if her father here is about a vow she made at the age of 12 he has the right to a nullity he declares it naught and guess what she's not responsible any longer even if she doesn't fulfill it this however works only for six months by the time she's 12 and a half she's what's called a big heiress a certain adult the mini adult and now the father cannot annul her vows now it's her domain her responsibility to deal with her own vows so from 12 till 12 and a half that's the stage she's known in Halawa as a naira a young girl those six months the father can annul her vows there's one more law recorded in amatus marriage if she enters into marriage and she makes a vow and a promise after her marriage her husband can also on all her vows the Torah says now some people see this as a demonstration of the Jewish perspective that the husband owns and controls his wife and therefore she can't even make a vow she makes a vow if he wants he knows that she's not held responsible for it but that's a very superficial reading of it because as the halacha makes it very clear there are only two vows which our husband may annul two types of vowels number one if she makes a vow concerning their relationship their marriage that may compromise it they may undermine that for example as Maimonides writes if she makes a promise that she's never going to engage in intimacy with her husband she makes a vow I swear I make a pledge never to engage in a relationship this is directly hurting him it's affecting him he can annul the vow the second is if she makes a vow to torture herself a vow of self deprivation to deprive her let's say a food she makes a vow and the Torah recognizes that a woman is sometimes very hard on herself and therefore her husband can annul the Val when he hears about it he could say it's not and then she can do what she wants but she's not held responsible for it it's not a sin any longer if she doesn't do it because he annulled the vow so these are the two types of vows that a husband can annul now what about when the girl is what's called on our rusa she's betrothed and let's explain in Jewish law marriage has two phases the first phase is called a drusen second phase is called nish soohyun a drusen we'll translate as betrothal Nestorian as marriage now listen carefully because you have to get this in order to understand the class iris in betrothal is the stage when a husband betrothed is his wife places a ring on her finger or gives her something else of monetary value says I read my Kadesh asleep at a bar ZOA does my chevy is draw your consecrated to me through this ring according to the law of Moses in Israel now they are officially husband and wife for them to separate they need a get he has to give her a divorce and then the relationship is severed from this moment of Eros and they are a husband and a wife however this stage of Arison does not bring them yet together in the same house she still living in her home he's living in his home they're married but they're not living together as a husband and a wife in one home yes she cannot marry anybody else because she's married to him if she wants to she needs a divorce if she has a relationship with somebody else it's considered a dull tree because she's married legally but practically speaking they're still separated he's in his house she's in her house the second stage is called Miss su Yin miss su Yin is a full-fledged marriage how do you do miss su Yin they put up a chuppah canopy they do the seven blessing Sheva brachot the groom and the bride going together to say there you had an exclusive room where they're alone and afterwards they are a full-fledged couple they move into the same home mahalo buzzerella they become one flesh they start playing house and God willing begin to build a family in Talmudic and biblical times these two phases were actually done at two different times first it was the betrothal and only at a later stage was the completion of the marriage Denise su Yin usually twelve months went by passed by between the arason and the new Zion nowadays we do it all together under the wedding canopy the groom places the ring on her finger and betrothed is ER they take a break by reading the Suva and then afterwards come to seven blessings and the shade there you had the private room which is the stage of Michigan we do it all today in one evening in one ceremony both the arason Anasuya now back to the vows if a wife is completely married to her husband not just betrothed but oh so fully married then her husband has the right to annul her vows what about when she is in the stage of an eye Russa she has betrothed to him but they're not yet completely married in the sense that they're not living together in one home what's the status at that point then the status is that to annul her vows you need both her father and her husband bring up source number one and you'll see Shahana refugio de a-- health is nedarim machetes eres a Shotokan isla hapa aina balm a fir lavada evil ayah of allah wahda mayfair LS Nahum mephibosheth was from betrothal until she enters the kapa the husband does not annul her vows alone nor does the father and all his vet her vows alone they both annul her vows in partnership Felina Dharamsala redemption is arson they can annul even vows that she had before she was betrothed VM hafer - abolish a me a name offer if one annulled her vows without the other one doing it her vows are not annulled let me explain if you're dealing with a young girl who's 12 years old a single girl and she makes a vow her father has the right to on all the vow good if this girl gets betrothed and then married a rusyn and is soohyun and makes a vow after the wedding her husband has a right to annul the vow he doesn't need the father any longer now he's in a relationship with her he can annul the vow the question is when the girl is in the middle state she's betrothed but not fully married it was arason and known as su Yin it's a twelve year old girl who's betrothed but not in a full-fledged marriage what happens now when she makes a vow so Jewish law tells us two people have to annul it her father and her husband now there's an advantage in each one of the cases when the husband the nulls the vow when the husband not only betrothed her but fully brought her into her home to his home then in that case he can annul the vows by himself he doesn't need the father he is the husband he can annul her vows on the contrary when she's not fully married yet when she's betrothed he needs the father to an all the vows as we said they do it with a partnership the father arnall's the vows and the husband the nulls the vows but there's another difference between the two cases the husband can only annul the vows that she accepted upon herself after she is in his house he cannot annul the vows that she made before their marriage if she was 12 years old and she made a vow never to eat cheesecake again a few months later she gets married she's now living with her husband in the house he cannot annul the vows that she made before their marriage he didn't have a relationship with her then his power to annul her vows is because of their relationship only the vows that were created post the beginning of their relationship go under his jurisdiction so to speak they affected the vows that she made before independent of him he cannot unknow he can only know those vows that she makes after marriage however in the case of betrothal when her husband the groom who betrothed their annul serve hours together with her father they can both annul vows even those that she made before she was betrothed so if she's 12 years old and she makes a vow I'm never going to eat cheese cake again and then a few months later she's betrothed her father hears about the vow and her husband hears about the vow together they nullify that vow here the husband cannot know even the vows she made before he ever knew her before they ever began the relationship with her that's the difference a full-fledged husband who's living with her in the same home can only annul the vows that were done from the day they were married from the day she went into the Hopa not before however the groom who betrothed her he can nullify even the vows that she made before he ever met her before he betrothed her what's the logic what's the logic of the law that the betrothed husband has more power to annul even her previous vows more than the husband the full-fledged husband what's the logic of this take a look in the sources source number 2 Ramba Nidoran nah drove a for la vela vada if she made a vow and only her father nullified it this is a naira 12 year old girl volition maja ro such an is no solution and her groom who betrothed who did not hear about this now until she went in tears hope a miracle offer he can't nullify the vow that she made previously why Shayna bomb a friend need rare Association missus because her husband doesn't have the right to one know the vows of his bride after she gets married he cannot nullify vows that she made before they were married Vale's that she made before they were fully married even after they were betrothed he cannot unknow those vows alik item Shattuck honestly eschew so you should may finish it for South he can only know those barrels before she comes into his home together with the partnership of the father together with the father he could not know those vows once she's married now the father has no jurisdiction over here over her the husband can annul the previous vows what's the logic of this take a look in source number three so the gomorian adore him Duff's a Messiaen Aimie the torah says in base Hashanah dar la mer shana bomb a fir back Redmond Torah says if a woman makes a vow while she's in the home of her husband he can annul it so it's clear that he can only annul verrell's that she makes in his home but the husband cannot annul vows that she made before she came into his home will mean a from this we learned that Aras may freely admit that an Aris a groom will betroth his wife can annul vows that she made previously before their relationship began hello la mission should force it off it's because of the partnership with the father what the Talmud is telling us here is an important insight a husband who takes his wife under the chuppah and they become a full husband and wife he doesn't need the father any longer he's annulling her vow by the merit that he is her husband and therefore these promises are affecting him as this discussed before that he can't nullify every vow his wife makes only vows that affect him and because of that the Torah gives him a right to annul the vowels which vows does a Torah give him a right to annul those vows she made while she was his wife living in his house house that she made earlier he cannot reach into them he cannot change them he cannot alter them those were her vows she accepted them upon herself and she has to annul them on her own however the Auris the husband who betrothed her he cannot nullify her vials on his own he needs the partnership of the father they both need each other because she isn't in an intermediary state on one hand she's married she was betrothed by a man that's why her father can't just on all her vows she has a husband on the other hand she's not living with her husband she's still living in her father's home so the Torah says you need a partnership you need both the father and the husband to annul the vows if we want them to be annulled the father has to on all the vows cuz he has a relationship with her she's still in his home the husband has to annul the vows because she has a relationship with him she is betrothed to him they both have to one all the vows if one does it without the other the vow is not annul she has to keep him the father needs the husband and the husband needs the father since the husband needs the partnership of the father so he's not annulling the vows based on his own merit he's annulling it together with the power of the father so therefore paradoxically he can annul even vows that she accepted upon herself before he he ever knew her the bow the full-fledged the husband is annulling the vows based on his own merit he doesn't need the father so you can only annul those vows that she made once she was in his domain but then vows that the betrothed husband nullifies he is nullifying those with the help of the father the father had a relationship with her always so be Kissin joining hands with the father to on all her vows so therefore they can go back even to vows that she made before she ever met this groom and the groom can nullify those vows how she didn't make them while she was under his authority or his jurisdiction the answer is she made them when she was a daughter of the father she was always a daughter of this father and he's doing it together with the help of the father so therefore he can annul even the kind man even those vows that were made earlier take a look Rambam source number 4 Rambam the Dharam ramen the laws of promises may Sarris if the betrothed husband dies here's a girl 12 year old girl got patrolled and her husband died cause rulers show severe she's back in the helm of her father in the domain of her father the whole shitty durha of may freak shia kratom she decides if she makes a vow her father has the right to nullify them to nullify it just like he did before she was betrothed because now her fiance or her groom passed away may saw of efficient assassin what happens if her father died after she was betrothed Vinod ran her moisei and she makes a promise after his death what happens now a nabarro may fear her husband cannot nullify the Val Shana bomb a friend near a eastern chat the colossal hope ur because her husband cannot nullify the vows of his wife until she doesn't enter into the Hopa he must have the partnership of the father and the father is not here as long as they're only more awesome as long as they're only betrothed they're not living in one home the husband alone does not have the power to nullify our vows after she enters into the coppa he can do it because he is a full husband living together but when she's still separated for him only from him only in a state of betrothal he must have the father to nullify the vow he has to do it together with the father the father has to say it's north and he has to say it's not now however the father is gone the father died since the father died the husband is left alone he can't nullify her vow her vows dance and since it's the father who gives him the power to do it therefore he has a power over the bow over the full-fledged husband that he can nullify even the vows she made before betrothal this is the legal composition of this law these laws we know that every law has a spiritual psychological and emotional counterpart let's explore that dimension presently and see how it contains a major lesson for common dilemmas that affect so many of us there are two types of Jews two types of human beings really those who are betrothed to God and those who are married to God those who are in the state of Ariston and those who are in the state of michigan legally what is the difference between these two phases we explained in the first stage the woman is married to her husband but their relationship consists exclusively of the fact that she can't marry anybody else that she will not engage in relations with anybody else that she is committed to him their relationship is not defined by the positive context of them living together and joining lives together they're still separate they're married in the sense that if she wants to marry somebody else she needs a divorce that at this stage she can't have somebody else she can't have another husband but they're not married in the sense that they're together in fact the first stage is called a drusen it's also called key douching why is it called kedusha so the Talmud says in tractate condition and you can see it in source number five right below the video and the Talmud says conditions of Beza midbass mylisa they're abundant why did the rabbi's used the term kaduche in her ish mecca - the US are law cola alma cactus because he makes her prohibited on the whole world just like heck - when you consecrate something for the holy temple no one else can use it because it belongs to Hector it belongs to all in when you say hi ray at me Kadesh ously you're holy to me what does it mean you're holy it means you're like heck Titian descends that Acela Kalama you're forbidden to the neck to the rest of the world you're off-limits to every other husband but you're still not with your own husband you're not in the same house until the second stage which isn't as soon what does this represent psychologically in a person's life you have a person that his relationship with God his relationship with truth or her relationship with God and truth and their soul is defined by the fact that they will not give and surrender their allegiance to others but not that they experience intimacy with God practically in a person's life this is a type of human being who must constantly resist temptations and addictions and appetites and instincts that may be destructive and unhealthy and promiscuous and immoral and they must fight against those forces of addictions which can be ferocious and powerful can they say I feel one with God I'm experiencing intimacy with God I'm living it up with the joy of the camaraderie and the celebration of an alliance with God as a husband to our wife they're not there yet their relationship with God consists of the fact that I don't have a serious relationship with anything else I'm at the stage that I know that these things these behaviors these relationships these habits these instincts will undermine me they will bury me they will repress me they will destroy me they're not good for me my relationship with God expresses itself in the fact that I am fighting against giving up my spirit and sacrificing my soul on the altar of the devil on the altar of addiction that's what my relationship is about the second person already reaches a much higher in deeper life this is a person who moves in so to speak to the same home with God they're one they have intimacy they're celebrating each other's union here the focus is not on abstaining from evil on battling the negative here the focus on is unenjoyable oneness with God the first person cannot say that they feel a true spiritual oneness with God they don't feel that they're just connected in the sense that they're not ready to sell their souls that they're not ready to end up in the abyss of Darkness they they're not ready to sacrifice their integrity they're not ready to live a life a full suit they will not give themselves up to somebody else they will not pledge allegiance to another relationship but they fear still feel separate they're still not one with their husband they're still in two separate places I may not do this and not do this and do a lot of positive things but I don't feel that oneness the second stage miss su Yin is when you actually move into one home when you become one now the difference between these two people is the second person who reached the stage of Miss su Yin feels a certain sense of completion I'm here my life is filled with purpose and with meaning and with truth the first person doesn't feel complete on the contrary the first person experiences a continuous longing to touch the divine and a continuous frustration from the fact that he or she is still occupied by staying away from the negative by abstaining from following their negative habits and addictions they're frustrated by the fact that their relationship with truth is expressed not so much by the positive as much as it is by the negative not so much by what they're doing but more by what they're not doing not so much by the celebration of the relationship with God but more in constantly working to distance themselves with that which will undermine them that they spend much more time on than cultivating the divine within them why because the demons are real because the skeletons are powerful because the ghosts are ferocious and that's why their main occupation is to stay away from this and stay away from this and they're frustrated by it and they're longing to actually touch the divine and set themselves free so they never feel complete they never fully trust themselves they're never fully proud of themselves now let's go back to our original discussion with the vows every one of us has vows and promises we make to ourselves that hold us down we each have vows and pledges and promises psychological and emotional ones which don't let us fly which don't let us soar they keep us in captivity they keep our wings tied down it's things we feel we could never let ourselves go from whether it's fear or guilt or shame or insecurity whether it's animosity or hate or envy or pain or agony or all the other baggage that people carry with themselves and it holds their wings down they could not soar and fly and maximize their potentials and live life to the fullest these are the Nidoran the vows and promises we make or we think we made that hold us down how do we annul them how do we notify them so there are two stages when you're a bow when you reach the state that you're fully married with God then you think it's your own power you got it you're there you made it you hit the jackpot you reach the destination when you're an heiress when you're a betrothed groom you're not fully one with your soul you're not fully one with your spouse you're not fully one with God then you can't nullify the vows on your own you feel the need to sir to your higher partner you reach out for help you say I need you to hold my hands to nullify my vows I can do it on my own I'm always threatened by the dark addictions I'm going to end up in the abyss of addiction I need your help I'm powerless you look up to your partner to take you out of your darkness of your muck of your quagmire you say I need you I need a partner I need you to hold my hand you need the father to do it like in Halawa like legally you can't do it on your own the patrols the husband needs the father to help him nullify the valley can't notify the Vallon is on why because he's not one with his wife there's still a tremendous distance and he's too threatened by the darkness he says I can't trust myself I need your light I need your assistance I'm humble I make it them raw now you liberate me you set me free that's what's happening you need partnership you're the one who in your life keeps on remembering recalling what the Talmud says interacted condition source number six rib shimon ben Lavy says rabbi shimon the son of ladies is a heat stir allowed them is gabriel of bakkali animal economies the negative inclination of a person everyday tries to kill him will Malaya cut his burro who is rain your Hawaiian if not for God's assistance you would never be able to prevail because there is a force in you that's trying to kill you every day and you must have God's help this is the stage where the person is not a full-fledged married husband I can nullify my own vows I can't I need my father I need my father in heaven but now what happens is something that works paradoxically the bow the full-fledged husband can only nullify the vows that are present he can't nullify the vows from earlier the Aros the betrothed groom conveyor of can nullify the previous vows because he has the help of the father many of our vows many things that hold us down are things that happen to us our youth in our childhood in our past they're not things that are happening now they're things that are ingrained and are entrenched in the unconscious sellers of our psyche but they hold us down throughout life and they almost compel us into certain relationships and habits that we can't get ourselves out from the person who's relying solely on himself is proud of his or her spiritual accomplishments and says I can deal with my vows I will nullify my wives vows this person can't reach into the past they can't go to that place they can only deal with the vowels that are present that were brought into the relationship into the marriage but not the vowels that were brought in before the person however who surrenders to their higher partner and says I need your help when you do that since your null affine your vows with the help of God you can reach back into the unconscious chambers of your soul into the darkest dimensions of your psyche that are ingrained and are entrenched those vowels from previous from your previous years from your youthful years maybe from child those are from adolescence before you entered into your marriage now before you enter into relationship before you enter into this place of life it's from the past but since you're with the Father you're holding your father's hand and he always had a relationship with this daughter he always had a relationship with this person so therefore you can go into those parts and nullify those vows and let your wings soar and set your angel free goodnight [Music]