Rabbi YY Jacobson & Rabbi Mendel Lipsker: Navigating the World of Dating #2

[Music] the yeshiva.net okay i'll go through a few questions quickly robert jacobson he'll continue sorry i have to board a plane hopefully when i'm in my seat i'll be able to continue until uh there's no more reception all right there was a question that said how do you know we're supposed to reach a certain age and we're encouraged to date how do you know when i'm ready do i need to be fully healthy what steps can i take to make sure i'm ready to date maybe i'm dating from a wrong place maybe my parents are pressuring me to date maybe i'm being pushed maybe they tell me i'm ready to date maybe i'm not really ready to date another question that goes along with that what if i know i have issues unresolved issues what if i have an addiction what if i have a bad let's call it a bad habit before we name it an addiction i have a bad habit i'm watching unkosher stuff online so yes you need to be ready to date and some people are not ready at 21 or 22 or 23. you know how get an unbiased opinion a trusted friend talk to a mashbiya but you have to be able to be open tell them about why you think you're not ready every man is going to have cold feet when it comes to the decisions about marriage many people today suffer from i don't know insecurity or indecisiveness many many people have this think about yourself how do i make do i make decisions well i'm very hesitant to make decisions i flip-flop it takes me forever to make a decision so what are you going to do with a woman on a date you're going to go on 20 dates because you're hard for you to make decisions i hear this all the time these days how many dates have you go on 20 i'm still not engaged 12 15 why not i ask right away how was your habit in decision making oh not good fix that be on a path of changing that habit otherwise you're gonna life is not going to be easy for someone like that i'm just giving an example i feel if a person has a bad habit whether it's no matter what if some people may want to call it an addiction i think you have to be three to six months clean clean before you start dating my opinion welcome to ask another but ask for an opinion get advice don't just say i'm generally a healthy place talk to my friends but be willing to hear things you won't you you don't want to hear say am i ready for marriage no you're going to ask a lot of people today am i ready they'll give you the honest truth the caveat is people have an expectation today they didn't have before like ask someone who's married for 10 20 30 years were you ready when you got married to be married many people honestly say well no i made a lot of mistakes the first years of my marriage i wasn't ready don't get scared from that today we have an expectation to be fully mentally and emotionally healthy before you start dating i mentioned a mensch it's loved afghan but don't be in a place where you're not ready not ready means narcissistic behavior nothing you're narcissistic behavior bad habits bad internet stuff uh worse you you had some connection with a girlfriend that you never let go of and that's gonna interrupt with your dating uh different things make sure that that's getting out of the way am i too selfish i don't know how to make room for someone else ask questions to someone that you trust and say you know and then again through our system most people today a little delayed but don't be so harsh on yourself you got the basics covered date there was a question when i'm dating robert jacobson i want you to chime in here when i'm dating i'll answer quickly i never hung out with girls i never hung out with women so now when you're gonna sit down and get even physically within four feet proximity for a long time there's gonna be some physical attraction maybe the physical attraction is blinding me and maybe i'm not i'm not gonna really be mature to know i'm just going to quote unquote fall in love with the first one i date i don't even know if she's before me because because i'm kind of my my brain is going oh an overdrive because it's the first time i'm spending time with a woman a good question maybe i'm naive and i'm getting sucked into a relationship that's not healthy for me how do i know this is becoming a real connection uh these are good questions these are good questions and um that's why we go on more than one date and uh you have to pack a come back and debrief here guys go out who did you talk to from day four to day ten nobody debrief after every date talk to your father talk to your mother if you can talk it through talk to a sibling a brother or a sister a aunt or uncle talk to the shotgun hopefully the shakhanim are into this debrief talk it through this is how you'll see if you're not getting bumped in you know you can come back from the first date oh i think i'm getting married to her what it's just my gut feeling okay if you have a good gut feeling that you trust believe me you you may follow that but then talking to people that's how tell you you know nothing about her what do you know now the truth is today we know the man knows about the woman and the woman knows about the man or at least the parents know more than in the secular dating system after dating for a year or two the research that we do into a before a date goes on we know every little detail habit history for the people doing research and any question the bachelor or the woman want answered is already answered before so we do know a lot about the other person so there is you know we really are ahead of the game however after the first date you know don't kid yourself but i think that's a real answer if you'll talk to other people after every single day and it also helps not to date for nothing what's going to be the second date i'm not talking about pressure hospital i know people are getting under a lot of pressure i have to come home from today's date knowing this and this i have to have to just relax don't pressure just sit down drink a coffee or whatever you're drinking in the and just relax be who you are talk openly see who you are and i think that question will be answered rabbi jacobson you want to chime in yeah i think i agree with uh red mendel with rabbi lipsker my dear cousin thank you for coming on again and uh anacia i think i agree with you the only thing i may add is that it's extremely important to be able to contain in our hearts what seems like a duality what seems like schneid huffington but they're not the first thing is you have to trust yourself i mentioned last week what reblabe groener said from the rebel he heard from the rebbe i can't help you your father can't help you your mother can't help you only you can decide you have to really trust yourself because you're taking the responsibility for this this is going to be my wife this is going to be my husband that's on one hand so it really you know a shotgun can say just finish it your mother could say she's a great girl just finished but you really have to take responsibility this is your life this is your future this is your slices this is your new shama this is your whole you know acid base in hashem so it's important to be able to feel yourself to trust yourself and to make a decision from a very internal and authentic and epitomistic place on the other hand we all know that every one of us is an egaya bedover we're all biased we all have shaykh we all have blind spots nobody doesn't have blind spots and sometimes people have big blind spots my brother told me that somebody came to him for advice so he said maybe you have a blind spot he says of course i have a blind spot but i know where it is the problem is that a real blind spot i don't know where it is so that's why it's so important as ramendo said to debrief to get feedback to see maybe i'm stuck maybe i'm eclipsing maybe i'm covering over certain things because of cachebynes maybe i'm not being honest with myself so it's important to have those relationships that help us be more open more authentic more emma's dick that challenge us that stimulate us you don't want a religion where everybody just says yes yes yes yes you want a relationship where good questions are asked where the best of you is brought out and i think if you can understand that and appreciate both and both are very important and they're important throughout all of our lives ultimately i have to trust myself you have to trust your guts your gut your kishkas your instincts it's your heart it's your life i am not here for me who's going to be here for me nobody knows minor shama yadayya like we have in the hakas of yom kippur right a person knows mother snapchat every person knows there's something i know about myself that nobody knows if i'm only from myself then what am i i have to be able to open myself up which is what marriage is all about right sla is a connector so in dating also to be able to open myself up and ask myself and have others ask me questions so it's important as you said to have people that you trust one two three people that you really really trust i'm not talking about the guy comes back and he speaks to a few caveats in yeshiva or in shul or in a or in a take out but i'm talking about people who are confidants baridas probably older than you have experience with life and care about you they care about you they want to see you with fulhatsa wonderful um there is a a few heavy questions here i'm called a good baker hasidish but deep down i do not really believe in everything i have questions on all or on many things do i lie to her too in other words i'm just saying this question because i believe it's a it's a yoitsam in a cloud but there are many seminar clouds like this it's sad that people walk the walk you know i look hasidish i wear a hat and jacket but technically i have a lot of questions or i hardly really go to show i just put on phil and david in five minutes in other words or maybe i am with the program but inside i have big doubts what do i do well number one it's tacky not fear to bring someone into the relationship if you have real doubts and real issues like i said before you have to take realize it but sometimes nothing listen that it's just a mind game in other words like this in other words it's like a mind game that i have figures i don't i don't know if i believe maybe i don't believe it yet so that's like that's you know you have to check that out and you're going to have to bring in your wife to all your fakers women have a mono woman men struggled with this more so don't put yourself down so much but if it's a real deal that i don't in other words how do you see yourself in 10 years from or not from possible no i and the answer would be i don't know you have to make sure you're not taking someone on a dangerous journey if there might be a danger and love and you can work things through it just takes someone that understands you and can shift can shift your value system usually with dealing with someone saying i don't know about all my consideration value i think it's all fake explore each one and realize you know something i do have them while that exam people feel there's differences of ruchnius of um you know she watches movies sometimes i don't i watch movies she doesn't there are there are things that sometimes we do as a taivor and things that sometimes we do as a i beshetta believe we should go to sports stadiums i beseech to believe following sports is a good thing for me i'm ashamed to believe a membership and netflix there's nothing wrong with the seder then you have to decide if that's not your and you're not holding there this is a problem but if someone does this from time to time and this one time you have to explore is it just because you're bored is it just because you have no happiness and you're looking or or this is a formula this is like this is a becoming a this is a lifestyle and something you believe in and something you don't want to grow from or you don't think there's need to grow because this is fine you're happy where you are then that's a problem but just because someone did something this is a lot of pressure on the other zoom it was actually 77 and he went to drab and he said it's not nothing and that's it the moment they met isis is nothing and that's it now today it's a little bit different but there's other type of peer pressures and sometimes people do things because so it's because they're type of you know they want to look good in others and when they meet the right guy they'll want to look good to him and then everything changes so you don't have to puzzle someone because of different things that they do out of peer pressure unless it's you know something they actually believe in that's an issue rabbit jacobs yeah i think well well said maybe just to add at one point maybe just as a hash lama to what you said we we we don't see you anymore at mendel the plane took off i need to board the plane i'll be back soon okay i hope your neighbors on the plane are gonna let you speak they're not gonna be disturbed fine the mendel didn't realize he had a flight he had to come into new york and he's flying now back to uh to uh california so so he's gonna be here until the plane takes off at least he's gonna try to be there was just a little miscommunication and they said let me take over from this question and then we'll move on so i just want to add to what uh what mendel said listen every person is different we all understand that and people go through different thoughts and different experiences and different feelings and shavital sadiq vikaam was said even about a great sadiq and the fact that this there are changes is uh i once said there was a baker who told the deb or he wrote to that but then he has a lot of shinoyam in his avoidance hashem and his attitude and the rebbe said to him or wrote to him lamar which means a healthy heart contracts and expands the fico de liber ratzenscheife a healthy organism exhales the carbon dioxide and inhales part of avoid this hashem is change the only thing that is predictable is that nothing is predictable we live in a world that's based on shinuyum zman and makkham that ebba would say this in sikhis i heard it from the man and time and space which is the definition of our world is defined by shin we change the space versus that space this moment versus that moment past present future this is not rosh hashanah sunday is not monday yes every moment we all know the story of today in prison there were no windows he couldn't know the time this was part of crushing the prisoner psychologically by not allowing him to know what time it is so you don't even have control of knowing if it's day or night and we know that alter ebba identified the time he said good morning to the minister who came in and the person that how do you know and although i said did she rufus change every hour it says it's four letters so there's many ways in which you can configure it 12 different ways 24 different ways because it's so in any case every hour is a different set of so there's always changes my point is that even in the most ideal life we go through changes and some of us are not only changing because of the tsurum of shaymavaya but because of our own different doubts and struggles and uncertainties the real question you have to ask yourself is where you're heading what is your life's trajectory what type of family do you want to raise what do you want the atmosphere in the home should be i hear today assisted so the rebel says allah says the the end of tightness the mishna the daughters the girls of your slime would go out and dance in the vineyards and a lot of shidduchim were made then to be is that the women a girl who didn't have a shidduch and would turn to the bakken and say lift up your eyes and see and then she would say doesn't only mean family what we call the biological family it says that which molds the person that which raises the purse and that's what the girl is telling the baker you have to know what molded me and that ember says four words he says are you the shame grows up in a jewish home she's molded by parents who care about he said irish hashem it's just an expression a child is raised in a home that cares the parents care about years hashem i found it to be very just very succinct but what's your agenda what type of home do you want hashem you're going to bring children into the world what type of atmosphere do you want them to grow up with what do you want them to be like when it comes to our children we don't have the same it's a harder like we have for ourselves it comes to myself my eighth heart is very big or could be very big it comes to my children like the devil would say in the many sixes you just want you want the best for them even that which you don't want even that which you're not ready to fight for yourself but you'll fight for your children but is russia as you guys will see so the real question is what's your what's your agenda the fact that you we have doubts and we have difficult moments and we have depressing days and we have low downers and yes that's that's that's okay look for the belt that's part of having you have an effect you may be dealing with internal stuff with external stuff in the mendel said we have social pressure sometimes i'm bored i'm lonely i'm angry i feel empty i got nothing to do with my life i'm 23 and i feel there's nothing going on i'm 24 i'm 25. okay so you're a person and we surrender to weakness you have to be able to learn how to stand up you have to be able to learn how to get up again that doesn't define your etsam and your essence so therefore it's just important to know that if take you're in a place where you're not sure what your trajectory is you don't know if you care about satan you're not sure that yes hashem and hashem mean a lot to you you're really not sure you're struggling maybe with in a very real way so it's important to have compassion for yourself but you do want to enter into a relationship with somebody whose values you share and whose passions you share because building a home together requires that sense of camaraderie and commitment life is challenging and we need to be on the same page as much as possible there's always differences in terms of the foundations of life so it's important within yourself to distinguish you know how serious when you speak about your doubts what does it really mean you know do well most people people have doubts oh a mentalist i just finished the answer you said a perfect answer maybe the pilot maybe the pilot will let you in the cockpit i would just add one thing i see the question is somebody say you know i watch movies she doesn't watch movies she watches movies i don't watch movies she listens to non-jewish music i would never listen to non-jewish music does this mean that the shidduch is is a again it's very important that ramen says it's very important to distinguish between these things okay i'll talk about my own family i have two sisters who are very very excited shamed you can ask her mendel my cousin uh dedicated they're dedicated to to yiddish and to your shamayam and to and so forth we grew up in all my fathers was a yiddish journalist and he took the kids to a yiddish yiddish place this was his thing he came from a different culture a different world he took me and my siblings he took us to yiddish it was a lost art yiddish productions so it was like just it was a cultural thing other for other people it would be would be completely completely mufra so you always have to know where the person is coming from just to hear she watches a movie you watch a movie oh that's it there's no relationship but you have to know the context is is watching the movie this is her life this is her schlittles and also remember you get married hashem there's a baby there's another baby nobody's running to the movies nobody's running to the movies every night when you're a single person there's a lot of time at night if you could just get home and have a good night good night sleep you're already happy so it's important to understand where the person is in terms of music in terms of movies if it's a that a person is completely defined by secular cinema okay yes it's very important that your values are shared but the fact that people sometimes do different things it doesn't necessarily define their essential priorities what type of home they want to create where their soul is what they belong to so it's just important not to reduce people and define them by a single act which is sometimes very very external just like it's also true when it comes to dress somebody asks about dress how important is that so let's face it you know levushim are important but you and i all know that there are people who walk around with very very impressive barcellinos and beautiful jackets and suits and inside there's nothing and other people who walk around very differently but they have real years shamaya so it's very important not to reduce people and turn them into little creatures based on externalities is important in yiddish it's also important but it's not the essence and when we turn the whole of a relationship into what it looks like from an external point of view we really deprive ourselves of authenticity says that daniel and jeremiah took out the words hagibra vahanira when they spoke about hashem because they saw the corbin and they said called hashem hakeel they knew that hashem is all about ms they would not lie if they don't really feel it they're not going to say it incredible gemara that ever said it over a few times what's the point the point is you say how you say this of everything is ms especially internalization so it's important in your dating and in your relationships kitchens is important especially with children because the outer structure is part of yirushamayam but but don't allow the kutsanias to define everything and ignore the panemias it should be the other way around that's what i think on dates about conflict resolution not confident resolution but what are we going to use as a formula when we're going to have differences of opinion and more than that like you say about values can you discuss if you're open for growth are you open for growth in anything and learning and you know and mental health and emotional health and all these things are you stuck where you are are you open to hear and if people are honest and open and marriage is all about growth and having children is even more growth based on the physical i've been getting married as little dies and having children as little dementias and uh so that's already a big plus not to get scared off because of a rumor of this and that and clinic and people say in the question should i marry up if the woman is more shy than me it'll be easier [Music] to have the same values to be shared to sheer values it's more important to kind of be on the same page yeah the woman is more natural you know shamayim than you and i the rest of the moment you know but more timis fine marry up it'll help you a little but this listening you can't be completely on different on different uh wavelengths right i also would like to uh to add one thing about one of the questions that you addressed one of the boys asked that you know what if he's physically attracted and it's blinding him and he's going to marry the wrong person or the other way around what if he really likes the person and then physically things are not going to work out so i think it's important to remember two things number one i just want to tell you a story a few years ago rabbi zalman and rabbits and yehuda's blooming who arranged this whole podcast this whole zoom uh invited me to speak at duke university where they are shlokan for many years and there was a big crowd and the topic was dating and it was all secular to jewish students secular not the crowd tonight and somebody asked me i remember somebody said how could you give us advice about dating when you believe that that a boy and a girl shouldn't even have intimacy before marriage you're like from a different planet how could you give us advice this is this question and i told him and the students appreciated it i said on the contrary it's a much healthier formula because if you're dating and you right away get involved with each other physically you know what happens what happens is you easily become blinded you become drunk you become inebriated and then you can make decisions not based on personality based on excitement bodily excitement which is wonderful but at some point in a few years you can get bored and people's bodies change masha incain if the entire decision is based on the middle east of the other person on the internal personality characteristics on their disposition on their traits that's not going to change for 70 80 years and then what's going to happen in 99.9 of situations when you really are attracted to a person when i really like like and love and cherish a person the physical aspects even that which you have not seen yet is going to work out at 99.9 of the time so the fact that when you follow halal when you follow it actually allows the dating process to be so much more wholesome and objective because you really get to know a lot about the person you don't get to know the totality of the person as we spoke last week but you still get to know a tremendous amount i think that's very very important to realize don't worry about that on the contrary the system of aloha wants you to find out who she is how she thinks what makes her tick what makes her sad what makes her happy what type of relationship does she have with herself with her family with her parents with her siblings what she feels about life what does she want for her own loved ones it allows you to get to know the the shama and the nephesh and the ruach and the heart and the mind of a person and and when physical intimacy is a result of that it's holistic it's shleimo's dick because intimacy is about rouhnis and gashmi's together not divorced one from another because when it's divorced one from another it's very very skin deep and it doesn't have that lasting impact it lacks respect it lacks real intimacy intimacy is vegas vaguely into me see so the more you can focus on that in your dating probably not probably certainly the much better it's going to going to be i guess the mendel is gone now so it goes to me okay so let's go to another question i'm just i see some people had more questions on something that mendel asked so i'm going to address that also as a hash lama and then we go to the next this is a very good question i have to say the truth and it's embarrassing that me and many of my friends in my class often watch things that are not sneezing they're not modest remendo said that if you're not clean six months you should not date he mentioned a few minutes ago how do i become clean what do i do with this will it affect my marriage some people i know just continue doing it and they play the game i don't want to do that what do you suggest also how do i know the difference between a tyver and an addiction excellent question excellent excellent question this is so important that you addressed it because even if it affects only some of us only a minority it's matsal and especially it's unfortunately many of us can relate to this so i just want to speak about the edsim nakuda we have to understand that we're living in a time when this is a rampant challenge i hear it from a lot of people i get emails correspondence conversations and it's really sometimes really not the people's fault it could begin at age 11 12 13 at age nine for heaven's sake 14 15 16. and the bachelor doesn't really have who to talk to or even if he does have to talk to they may have not handled it right he may have not gotten the right advice or it could start happening later and sometimes it's constant sometimes it's not constant he makes a lot and he learns something and you go back and forth and chevalier pulls out of a cup and here you are about to get you want to date and it's a very confusing situation and there's not many people to speak to about it so i just want to say very big sir and move on the first thing is we all have to understand the consequences of it it's a very very serious issue because what happens is as a result of this type of engagement we often lose sight of reality when we have to actually live life with a real man and a real woman we don't even know what it looks like because much of our vision of relationships and intimacy is based on fiction it's not based on reality it's based on complete fiction that have nothing to do with respect there's absolutely no no reality there's a reason it's called what it's called i'm going to use a lotion not an element of loyalty and love and relationship it's a relationship that is because it strips it from any hergish from any commitment from any loyalty just i could fulfill a craving so you have to realize that because that can completely set me off and deprive me from even knowing what an authentic relationship is and what happens often is in the people get married the expectations are completely unrealistic that's number one number two like every addiction this often takes me completely away from my emotions i don't know who i am anymore i'm just sold it's like it could become a disease and here you have to know the difference between an addiction and a tyver and i'm going to find the difference the best way to define i even wrote this down the best way to define the difference between an addiction and a taivo is as follows a therapist once told me if my behavior leads to clinically significant impairment or distress meaning has your behavior reached a point where it's pressured getting in the way of living a normal life you're basically frequently missing say their your responsibilities because you are with a smartphone or you're with something else in a particular room are you frequently up till three o'clock in the morning and you can't function the next day stuff like that but if it's happening once in a while it's not impearing and disturbing your functioning day-to-day even if it's two or three times a week it's not necessarily an addiction it's called a taiva and it's important to understand an addict has allowed the taiva to destroy his life he's lost control unfortunately at this point his peera is very very small a baltiva is in control that's why he's still intact his life is intact and he's allowing himself to do it at times right that won't ruin his life he's very much able to struggle he needs his hook to struggle harder the addict is not even able to struggle he needs help to begin struggling so it's important for an addict to know that he's not a baltivore he has an addiction and it's important for a baltivore to know that he's not an addict and if you speak to the wrong people they could confuse the two because if you define yourself as an addict when you're not you're not giving yourself permission to struggle and that's worse it makes believe you have no choice and you do have choice so this is very important to be able to make this distinction another very important thing is to understand that don't look at the addiction look at the pain there's something we're searching for addictions are not created in a vacuum there is something we're looking for we all want real love we want real relationships we're lonely in this world and when we can't find that we act out i'm going to tell this to you and i want you to understand this addiction is not the problem addiction is the solution your addiction or your taiva is the place you run to in order to assuage your anxiety your distress your pain that's not your problem that's your solution let's find out the problem and the problem is usually i'm full of shame i'm full of guilt i'm full of emptiness i'm full of loneliness that's what i need to deal with we have to be able to find that and that's what a real relationship is a marriage is the place where hashem you'll be able to transcend that loneliness with davagbi ishtar vahayu and for that we have to be able to be vulnerable we have to be able to acknowledge our brokenness not our wholeness whole people don't need each other if i'm perfect i don't need you you don't need me it's our vulnerability that allows us to meet each other so this is an opportunity to be able to address what is really really bothering you to be able to identify it and yes if i'm completely entrenched in this lifestyle it's going to damage my intimate life it's also going to damage your relationship because the energy that is being squandered and going out in that experience is something that's being taken away from your wife and that's going to compromise the relationship emotionally spiritually and physically together with this we have to also remember don't give up on yourself we have typhus we are lonely we are broken we make mistakes now do not get sucked into the quagmire of destroying yourself to yourself and saying you're the worst person in the world because paradoxically that intensifies the addiction as dr rebecca says in tanya peter that exhibit what the eight sahara wants exactly in the middle of the day is you should start experiencing atsos if you start experiencing atzbus which means you i'm a depressed shemata loser it's the best thing for the eight sorry he loves it so don't we it's easy to fall into that trap but these are things that we all need to address in our lives and yes if we want to date seriously we have to get a hold of this but remember you're not necessarily an addict you may be a multiverse which needs work but it's different work or you are an addict and that really needs serious work because that's a disease you have lost your and learning more will not help necessarily it will not help because your brain is actually an addict called me tonight right before this and he says people don't understand the scans of my brain are different his physical brain is different certain things he has no control over it's a very serious issue it's a beautiful word from the mary anaya he says how can hashem take away the hero of paris the famous question of the rambam chanal and he says hashem was telling moisha what godless mitzrayim is the definition of goldsmith's time is you have no covered life power you have no predator your brain is parashat fried you have no prayer you do you do not know that you're but selama kim you don't see your divinity you don't see your own self you don't have you could see yourself from a very narrow place hashem is explaining to merchants why you want to leave mitsunaian mitsrayam is embodied by padre what's para para is i am stuck i am really stuck i don't i'm so stuck i don't even know that i'm stuck because it's the only reality my neural pathways are developed in one direction my highway follows one direction there's no other option okay i just wanted to add that i think it's uh it's it's important let me go to the next question great questions guys great questions [Music] it's the first goal it's the first girl i'm going out with how do i know if there's a real connection i'm just getting excited maybe i'm just being lured into a trap maybe i'm just naive and i don't know better great question and the answer is you're right you're right that's why you could listen mendel said that's why we continue dating that's why it's important to be able to continue and see the fact that she's the first girl and ina hashem that yes that you don't have to go through the ganza said there is talculus that's a big source it's a big bracha that you research it to this so it doesn't don't dismiss it right away but of course is it possible that you're naive that's fine you may be naive the question is not if you're naive the question is do you want to spend the next 90 100 years of your life with this person remembering that she is the first good morning and she is the last good evening good night la hou maybe not lahadlin the lotion of abaya have a masada say there shall the tomato to everything and allow the thomas coulomb every day when you wake up the first good morning is to your spouse and the last good night right before homopolis to your spouse is this the person you want to greet and say goodbye to every single morning and every single evening another this is the person you really want to travel through the hike of life you say it's the first girl you met okay wonderful but this these questions you want to be able to answer and not just answer in a cerebral fashion but answer here in your heart next question life i see my parents and i see other friends life becomes so stressful everyone is trying so hard to make a living people live in small apartments and once kids are born there's so much responsibility and duty it almost looks like it's not so promising as they make it to be it's a very good question you're asking and i want to tell you something it's very true what you're saying and it's very unsure what you're saying it's very true if you don't work on your marriage the grind of life can destroy the passion can destroy the tainak it's like all of yuddishkait yoshaya navi laments and although brings it in tanya pedigmen it just becomes routine and habit take out the garbage i pay the bills we have to take the kid to the doctor we have to make dinner to do the laundry room to pay for shabbos and yes indeed it can become very dry and very numb and very stressful and that's why it's important to remember that the developer would always quote us is really for the younger life but i'm telling it to you as well titan is that marriage is and rambam that's how he types the rambam brisket didn't agree with that famous mice says but in turkey and it's a mighty dick of art it means it's not a one-time event you're always getting married in other words you're always investing in the relationship like you did the first moment because that's what makes it powerful you're always reconnecting and spending time with each other and opening your heart to each other and then you have a partner for life and what happens is you have a best friend with whom to navigate the storms and the tsunamis of life and it's one of the greatest gifts if not the greatest gift in life like the gemara says so but it it needs avoid it needs work and it's a good avoid it's a kashmaka void but it's a value that needs concentration and effort and time and energy etc question next question what's the right what's the right mindset i'm going to date i'm a good booker i went through yeshiva i went through elementary school high school massive the basement i learned and what's called a good good bachelor i think i'm a fruma bachelorette and what's what's the mindset with which i should go into to dating it sounds like a general question and i can give a general answer but i'm going to say two points two points the first point the rebels said to be of tough shin mem gimmel at the fabing and he made us and he made a similar point eight years earlier tuba of tough shalom and hey which i mentioned earlier also kindness which is the masect at the end that deals with shidduchim by the way islam said you don't have a massacre that's named like the name tainas a fast it means the message is about the fast which means about corbin it's about negativity and the end of the massachusetts is about dancing to show that the topless of a kindness is the mohawk to bring a jew to the greatest samha possible it's very powerful the the beginning the name and the end mahalo so that ever said in that var i mentioned earlier the mishnah says at the end of times that when when the girls would go out to bavanym kippur to dance so whoever didn't have a shidduch would go there boys young men or young women and the girl would say to the boy she tells him pick up your eyes lift up your eyes and look he said if he lifts up his eyes to the heaven he won't see who he's meeting who he's dating that episode she should have said bache it's the holiest day of the year so we'd imagine today i'm kipping this is what we would do we would all be excommunicating we would all be putting we'd all be excommunicated same kipper this is what happens the bush and the girls are going out with towns to hiroshima so the debbie said is taken from the possibility lift up your eyes to heaven and see who created this the rebbe said when i yid cooked he sees hashem so he says every girl tells the bakr and the gemara goes to a whole list there were miyukosas there were mercures there were different levels he says but all of them tell the book the first thing the first you say this the perspective here is that i'm here to fulfill the ultimate schlitzer's that hashem sent my neshama down here into this world to create bayesia so lift up your eyes don't just get involved in this and see it i'm 23 years old i'm 26 years old i'm 30 years old i'm 21 years old and everybody's pushing me that's part of it not only because my body has certain needs yes that's part of it not only what else should i do it's time to get married okay that's a husband not only maybe i really want a relationship i want to share my life with somebody that's amazing that's incredible it's wonderful but the insight is sono hooray lift up your eyes lift up your eyes and realize the infinite value and opportunity and dignity that this situation is now presenting before you this is your opportunity to fulfill one of the most important maybe the most important of you in this world see it see it from a divine perspective that ebba said when you look down you could see a world that's very very coarse very very dense very external but sauna you look up you want to look at it from a divine perspective now what does this mean practically i think practically what it means is we live in this world we don't live in heaven but the point is that when you're dating appreciate that this is really the ultimate spiritual experience this is the ultimate divine experience and therefore treat it with tremendous respect with tremendous dignity realize how profound this is this is a commitment for life this is not just a commitment because i'm comfortable she's comfortable this is sacred this is a sacred institution that's what we're dating for so yes the dating shouldn't be intense and heavy and uptight just like avoid this hashem shouldn't be uptight it should be geshmaq and delightful and friendly and with a simcha like everything if there is but to really appreciate and understand the rookiness of it the amphos of it and therefore the seriousness of it and to establish a relationship based on this because more important than everything is the loyalty the dedication the understanding that this is the rats and hashem this is the ultimate purpose of existence because that's what allows a relationship to weather storms that's foundation number one i'm going to give you foundation number two before i get to the next question foundation number two is as follows very often we go into dating with the wrong hanaka with the wrong paradigm and that is okay i'm this i have all these miles i have some casserones now i want to see what myla she has right what does this is what i bring to the table what does she bring to the table now here is the deal as i said last week we barely know people after dating we barely know people after five after five years some people say it takes a quarter of a century to start getting knowing to start really understanding your wife and maybe that's also a goose maybe you have to wait even longer my point is what is dating about dating is about knowing enough that this is the person with whom i want to take the journey of life with so here is the clown instead of coming into the date with the okay you know i'm a good guy i have some stuff but i'm a good guy hopefully i hope you feel that way because if i really really feel that i'm a bad guy and i'm a loser and my wife is gonna salvage me it's a problem because she can't salvage you and she's not your mother she's supposed to be your spouse we'll get to that question soon if you feel horrible about yourself but instead of coming into this approach of you know i'm a great guy let me see if she's a great girl and you know what happens in life we discover a lot of things about each other we discover a lot of things about ourselves it's much healthier and it's much more jewish and it's much more authentic and it's much more godly to go in with this perspective realize we are all flawed let's say the truth we are all flawed the only people i know who are perfect are the people i don't know the only marriages i know that are perfect other marriages i don't know the only families i know that are perfect are the families i don't know every one of us knows the truth every one of us is flawed every one of us is vulnerable every one of us is lonely in our own way by ivassar yaakov levade and that's what allows us to build real connection in other words and i don't mean this literally take it with a grain of salt i want to go into the date maybe not the first date maybe the eighth date say here this is my craziness what's yours [Laughter] to say this is this is what did i ever say after the the toughness of the whole schliches i want to translate it into english i have my craziness my craziness yes my craziness you have your craziness now can we help each other co-regulate each other co-reg help each other regulate ourselves and regulate the other to take our studus and turn it into to take our craziness and see how that's part of our schlichters and that can help us become the best people we're capable of becoming if you can do this you'll have an unbelievable marriage because this is what drives people apart when suddenly i realize my craziness her craziness his craziness i don't mean craziness here hashem is a serious serious mental disorder that a person is not taken responsible for responsibility for i'm talking about our flaws our wounds our traumas our anxiety our vulnerabilities our blemishes our mum in us mentally psychologically physically spiritually financially internal external from youth from teenagers whatever his mistakes that we made when we could come from that place and therefore have compassion for our own merchandise for the other people's mashagasa and connect from that place that is what creates the most powerful relationship and that's the antidote to loneliness and that's the antidote to addiction the antithesis of addiction is not sobriety the antithesis of addiction is connection the first thing that toyota says is loyalty what's the first thing that's not good it doesn't say the first thing that's not good is available should have said first thing that's not good is not listening tasha the first thing the turtle says light time the whole creation is called then there's light type what's light hive who for so many years was lavaday he was alone and suddenly he's now in a relationship he goes back to the lovato you have to be able to get out of the lava and it's not always easy but we can't be lonely hashem didn't want to be lonely that's why he created the world none of us want to be lonely and dating is the beginning of opening up that window and say can i really share my loneliness with you and can you share your loneliness with me so together we take a lavaday and we make from yakov hashem like the madrid says you probably know the famous circus next question good question what does some sales actually mean in reality you're saying friendship is not enough maybe friendship is enough maybe means just having friendship what does it mean that your heart has to be on fire well friendship is very important you want to like the person and you want to love the person right sometimes there's people we love them we don't like them it's people we like we don't love there's people we don't like and we don't love and then hopefully you can love and like but both are important you see i think mashika saleve if you want me to define it with words and vocabulary and definitions i'm not going to do justice to it but i think the point is that in a very very deep place you want to share your life with this person this person arouses you in very powerful ways i'm not just talking about physically it's important to have a physical appreciation but i'm talking about emotionally and spiritually and psychologically and mentally i feel comfortable with you yes i want to dedicate my life to you as you want to dedicate my your life to me yes we're going to be loyal to each other 24 hours a day 7 days a week that's a serious commitment how can you demand that from a person you can't every person has to be able to take that responsibility for themselves i cannot demand it from you and the way that hashem created the mechanism for that is if your heart is on fire now different people have different types of heart some people are very very emotional by nature some people are very cerebral by nature but whatever you are call had the film sure a delay you want to make sure that this is not a data-based relationship a checklist she has this she has this she has this boom boom boom boom boom okay more miles than casinos eighty percent good twenty percent volga man abhi voice the hearts i once said from the bianco schweiz he he says but i ask you rabbit help me develop a heart i'm a jew you can't be a jew without a heart you can't be a jew with a heart heights i'm not asking for of men but for the hearts how do you know this is the person you want to go on the self-discovery journey with how do you differentiate between what is essential and what you're looking for and what's just preference excellent question the general answer is you really have to ask yourself what is going to be essential in life and what is not going to be essential in life do not allow yourself to get overwhelmed by things that are not really going to add up to much and they're not going to be essential it's important not to sweat the small stuff i'm not saying if there are red flags that may be small you have to run it by somebody i spoke about it last week but generally speaking you want to look at your shamayim you want to look at ministerivas you want to look at integrity authenticity kindness the ability to compromise the ability to be mavatar menstrual real menstrual height the ability to be vulnerable the ability to be able to connect in a deep way you want to see the level of loyalty somebody who cannot deal with criticism somebody who cannot deal with self-reflection somebody who cannot deal with introspection somebody who can't deal with growth somebody who's very very defensive or very confrontational they're probably stuck in something and i can have compassion and maybe i can help them with this but these are all things you want to really focus on what is going to define the quality of your life together in a deep way there was a girl who called me she was looking for a a very firm girl in the bad and she tells me she has a minig once a week she goes to watch a movie thursday night she goes with her friends and she wants to be able to do this with her husband so mail it is baker that she wants to go out if he's not ready to do this she doesn't want to get married she's a firm girl but this is her minute so i told her i said i want to ask you a question what's wrong if after your marriage you'll go out with your friends on thursday night to the movie not with him i want him to be part of my life so i said how much do you think going to the movie is going to be part of your life she says well now it's a major part of my life i said you have to think this through [Laughter] god willing you'll get married you'll be blessed with a baby not every thursday night you're going to be able to leave some thursday nights you're going to be so exhausted some thursday nights you're going to be making shabbos some thursday nights you're gonna have a migraine headache some thursday nights your child is gonna have an eric or a strap cast michelle i hope not you're not gonna wanna go out you just wanna go stay in bed or you're gonna go to the doctor how much is this gonna be part of your life and even if it is part of your life if your husband doesn't want to go he doesn't wanna you think this is what defines life if you go out to a particular cinema thursday night let's say she has such a minihig midday titus you have to be typhus who lebanese nobody's living in in malls or supermarkets or cinemas or on vacation resorts their whole life for seven days for 24 hours so what's important most important is obviously can you address forming an emotional connection while balancing sneeze i think i addressed this last time but the key i would say about this is it's very important to have boundaries of halacha people who follow aloha don't regret it like that everyone's told the couple those who are distant when they have to be distant are close when they have to be close and those who are close when they have to be distant are sometimes distant when they have to be close and we see it we see it because you have to realize people's emotions are very nuanced they're very nuanced and when we have the power proper boundaries when we have to get rid of those boundaries it's much easier and it's much more exciting when we don't have the proper boundaries then sometimes when we don't want those proper those boundaries they come up there's misunderstanding there's mistrust so yes you want to develop an emotional relationship you're not marrying a computer you're not getting engaged to a a robot khashwa you're getting names to a real person but it's important to maintain the halacha very important now if you fail we fail we fail that's why we learn from mistakes do not obsess with failure we're not supposed to date for so long it's horrible how am i supposed to know if it's the right person great question the answer is you have to have inner confidence if you're not sure if it's the right person continue dating a personal story after my fourth date the shotgun is called me up and said she's such a great girl finish it finish it get engaged and i said i'm not ready she's not ready she's what are you gonna what are you searching for she's an unbelievable person now shachanes was right she was an unbelievable person she is an unbelievable person i married her but i remember i had to she was tough with me and i had to say listen you want me to get married it's it's my life i can't do it based on the fact that you say it's unbelievable for me so this is very important with people you're not doing anybody a favor by surrendering to pressure and not dating the times that you need in order to really feel and understand that this is it you're not doing anybody a favor because khasafa shalom if it's not this way who's going to bear the consequences not to shout in you so it's important you don't want to procrastinate and if fear is just overtaking you it's important to identify that but on the other hand it's important to be able to say i need more time i need more time ah your cover got engaged after two dates wonderful i have a friend in yeshiva i have not a yeshiva anymore many years ago and he told me he didn't even have to date once he lived on montgomery street he said i i pulled up to her house where she was staying he tells me she comes out of the house i look at her and i was ready to get married he said but i knew everybody's going to say i'm crazy so i went on the date and i went on one more date just to be yay siladas that's it so you have your hideous guru like that i didn't have such an experience i maybe i'm more complicated i have my issues you know don't compare yourself to your friend my this this friend of mine didn't even even need one date forget him he's a great guy i love him you can't compare yourself to other people medavision vermeers says that uh is not only somebody who doesn't compare herself to people who are spiritually lower it also doesn't compare themselves to people who are spiritually higher we learn from people but you can't emulate people epnema means you have to know who you are you have to be authentic to yourself zach clown god ms panemius that everybody once said it of abraham and i think it was yucha tazhayan i'm not sure in the early years he defined that's the definition everything has to be relevant everything has to be means it's internalized it's real it's real because i can't live another person's life so it's important to appreciate this when it comes to dating as well how important is attraction when should you feel it how do you make sure it doesn't lead to doing things that are forbidden besides the problem of hellholt it's a great great question the answer is to define attraction in a sentence or even in a paragraph would be wrong attraction is about you attraction is about you feeling that this is the person that you want to be with on all levels this is the person you want to share your life with this is the person who you want to mother your children i'm attracted with my guth and with my mind and with my neshama this is a very subjective experience it's a very subjective experience and here again you have to trust yourself this is where you say lee mili do you also say shanilats me mommy what should i really care for in a girl how do i know that this girl is a irishmaim this girl is a hasid this girl is a ballas balanced medicives this girl is somebody i want to marry great question the answer is spend time ask questions shmooz get to know each other see how you feel around each other let conversations emerge see who she is what she thinks about life you could ask her maybe at some point what may what inspires you what would you like an evening to look like in your home what would you like a shabbos to look like and as the dating gets more serious be open be vulnerable be real be authentic let the heart come out let your heart come out let her heart come out and you'll see where her head is where her mind is where her heart is now sometimes girls are quiet discreet called fuda basmal pneuma is a great blessing the royalty of a woman that is internal it's modest and that's fine not every girl who's choir doesn't have what to say sometimes what she has to say is too deep to express the famous mind with alternative and look at the taylor parish itself it's too deep to express so get to that depth moshe was a quad per quad loss not because he had nothing to say he had too much to say what he had to say couldn't come into words that's what it says in today's mice le poile he authored a book called elahad for a man who had no words lawyers dwarim he's the man of words but when he spoke uh it came from etsam so that's what you want to find out so the girl may not be speaking a lot you want to get to the place beyond words because words are nice but words ultimately don't capture the essence and this is coming from somebody who uses words why are there so many people breaking up after their engagement before their marriage why are there many people breaking up sometimes right after the sometimes even before and many people getting divorced much more than in previous years you're asking a big big question now a very big question this is a big big sugir a lot of things are going on these times that have not been going on before just to mention a few things emotions became a significant sugi i once asked my bubba she was at sadaques some of you remember you even met taiba lipscore mendel's bubba as well my mother's mother my mother telangana and her mother that's i once asked her how you feeling she looked at me that's the naresh kite emotions were not always part of the equation i remember i was once leaving her house i was already an older booker and she says nu get married already i said finn and amada you know why is that taking time emotions in our generation became a big people feel emotions and they feel they're miserable they feel they're happy number one number two many girl many women and men feel i don't want to have a miserable marriage in the past they would often not say that and there's other calculations that came in in many ways there's a bracha here the barakah is that today the reborn of shalom created an opportunity and a demand that our marriages our marriages have to be much deeper much more authentic much more epidemious dick yes we have this is a generation i believe it's before gurudev says before gula ghoul is a time when the yesha niv and the yesh amity are going to become one the whole macias of a person is going to become one with a lacus so all of my emotions have to be involved my mind my heart and my goof my visceral reality the awesome lovely dinosaur is going to get inspiration from the goof you can't today abandon the goof anymore those days are over this is integration the three donkeys in avraham's times he only puts the wood on the donkey monster nabe know his wife is on the donkey moshiach he himself comes on the donkey kamoires heimer the goof three levels mashiach the whole is galas is through the chama through the gulf and remember avraham and sarah understands that in the early years you listen whatever the goof says you listen i thought we don't listen to the guff and then episode avraham and sarah lived in a google consciousness and over there yadav can these words are unbelievably powerful so today we need marriages that are fully integrated they they are real they're very authentic they're and a lot of epinema they're not doing this and after the lachaim they realize it and they break up and hospital after the wedding so it's very very important to be able to take responsibility for your issues and work it out there's also a lot of mental challenges that are coming up in people's lives depression and anxiety and a lot of traumas and a lot of wounds and people who were hurt and it's destroying marriages it's wreaking havoc in marriage the reason it's wreaking havoc in marriages is because we're not addressing it honestly and we're not addressing it always with the right people we're stigmatizing ourselves we're stigmatizing others instead of having compassion on ourself on others and say we're all flawed what's this is my craziness what's your craziness can we help each other regulate ourselves and heal we go into a judgmental space we're going to admit those we can't help ourselves we can't help others great questions what do you think about dating on zoom for the first few times a date came up for me i'm not 100 sure i want to date her but it's not a no either i like what i heard about her but i don't like how she looks she's in new york and i'm in florida is it advisable to date her on zoom well obviously in today's times when baruch hashem we can already meet in person i wouldn't complete it and finish it off on zoom but if you want to start off on zoom i don't see that position to it during corona there was a lot a lot of shidduchim that were created on zoom in terms of the fact that you feel that you don't like the looks i would say that you know if you're not completely completely overwhelmed in a negative way very often as we build relationships and we build closeness the physical dimensions are enhanced as well kakidaikoshi you know when i really cherish a person i already see certain things in a different way because looks are very very subjective you know this is the most gorgeous and gracious person in the world isha al-bailah the gemara says we come to somebody's wedding take off your glasses put on the cousin's glasses and then you could say bahamas it was just learned in the project look at this what are the pitfalls of having a girlfriend before dating i have a girlfriend i want to get comfortable with a woman and i feel like it's good if i want to get into marriage don't just dismiss this like my other friends are doing and they say oh it's not the jewish way it's not our could you say something logical i see how many answers you got in yeshiva to your questions we have to allow people to ask questions without dismissing them and saying called me tonight and he said one of the most painful things for him is throughout all of his years in yeshiva the most damaging massachusetts he always heard are you talking that you're into these things nobody ever tried to understand why he's into it it was always how you talk and he said even the nice people he said just made him more ashamed and more ashamed and more ashamed it's not the way to do it that's not the way to do it it's not hayekhan i don't want to understand the addiction i want to understand the pain we need to tune into the pain my friends if you don't believe me learn through the fabregas unbelievable trevor says the only way you can ever help anybody in life is if you understand their pain i gave this class this week to the women you could see it on the yeshiva.net the debate between maracai and esther unbelievable art listen to this murder i said i'm not going to gather the jews who ate trevor they're not going to fast esther said noises why that episode esther knew the pain of being in a goyisha palace and having to eat kosher food she understood the jews who fell and he brings from the middle it up but that you cannot answer somebody on this if you do not experience not understand he says but feel it you have to feel what they're going through and then you can be a containing presence and help them so my point here is in relationships this is the key because the key you have to be able to really feel the other person and let them feel you and if you never let anybody into your life it gets very very hard it's hard this is a challenge we have to work on it and this is the issue with girlfriends hashem made that a healthy boy and a healthy girl have electricity if there's no electricity that's something to be concerned about when you have a girlfriend before marriage if you're a normal person and she's a normal person it gets very very intense so if you're going to complete it and you're going to get married chateauvomatslachas invite me for the wedding but if it's just an experiment and then after six months or after two years you're gonna have to say no it's not fair to her she's gonna be crying for six months and you're gonna be crying for four months it's just not fair it creates so much tension and anxiety because you're doing it and you're getting very enmeshed but you're not finishing it and you can't finish it so there's so much tension in the summer struggle besides the fact when you're dating for marriage it's beautiful but when you're just dating a girl and it's not for marriage it usually becomes very very emotionally intense and it takes her away from her responsibilities and it takes you away from your responsibilities i was i taught many years in yeshiva i gave a share and i said this i gave a shay gemara you and i gave a shigemaru gears i knew right away the baku comes in and he's involved in girls i knew he couldn't learn he he wasn't himself he was thinking how do i impress her and what she needs for me and then her friend said this you know how it is it's a very uh it's a very sensitive and vulnerable and mushy world and it takes away people takes people away from developing themselves in a healthy way and when you're ready you'll date for marriage so ruben i can't say in all but rupert ruled the case that i saw it just created unnecessary headaches during the relationship and then when they had to break it up because it wasn't for marriage it created such heartache sometimes for months and sometimes for years somebody once didn't he says he's an exception i don't know what to tell you dating for me has been emotionally draining i hate it it's been too much i feel used i feel exploited i feel manipulated i don't know what to do [Music] yeah i i understand i i i understand a little what you're saying it's hard it's hard and i think maybe it helps to know there's a whole story about the bodhichev withdrawal today it's a long story so it's not for now but what i want to bring out is one thing every date we go through is not a mistake it's part of our journey i know it's hard to believe and hard to see but it's ms if the baal shem tov says that a leaf that turns over is bahasa certainly every date you go on even if it doesn't work out it's part of turning you into the person you're supposed to become so it's never a failure a date is never a failure the question is if it fulfilled the objective you wanted me a day in leicester how do you know what hashem has in stock for you maybe you needed to meet this girl and go out eight times or six times or 11 times to learn certain things about yourself to learn certain things about her maybe this is part of your neshama coming down for 80 years to do a favor to a jew because you bolstered her self-confidence i don't know yes the dating did not end up the way you planned and hoped for it to end up but hashem had a plan so don't see yourself as a failure you didn't find the girl that heard the basketball arb qaeda materials of lord sighted of basal metal of bass playing in the plein air she didn't hear the baskel you'll meet that girl bakarif who heard the bosco don't take it personal i know it's hard i know it's draining but realize it's if i'm driving from uh from muncie to miami i go through a lot of i didn't but if okay let's do pittsburgh that i did i go to pittsburgh it's a seven hour drive i have to stop i stop at a gas station i stop at a resting area yeah somebody will say this is your destination it's not my destination but it's part of my journey so comes thailand says if this is part of your journey it's your best it's part of your destination and you probably know that the debbie used to constantly say that is poison avoider makshavas of pigle can be paisled during even sometimes it's not necessary because you could do this but since i'll pitaya to get from here to there you have to do allah so may allah becomes a medicine tailor if you're going through this journey of dating that itself has an objective don't see it as a failure i'm not sure what my true values are how do you define values how do i figure out what my values are how do i know what it's important to me how do i know if i'm ready to live up to these values is it just the things i grew up with but i'm older now maybe i'm not going to continue everything i grew up with these are good questions when you're going into a marriage you want to have a general understanding of what type of life you want to live yes maybe you need help maybe you need to figure yourself out more so you could take some time and talk to a person or a few people that you really really trust and open up and figure these things out but how are you sure what your true values are your true values are things that are very deep they're innate they're not going away tomorrow or next day because real values are things that are cook they're engraved in yet zamanefesh now we know what it says in tanya vasayidis but it may be concealed so that's fine you can acknowledge that and become aware of it but what our true values are are those things that are really really important to us they're not just fun they're not just exciting those are not my real values i went on a roller coaster once with my child it was fun it was also scary they rented out here a water park for for a few years shivas i went with my boys sunday it was fun everybody was having fun but is that like my ultimate value in life if i if you could put me on a water on a water slide for 70 years 24 hours a day i'll probably get sick of it after three days it's fun but is that my ultimate value you know a can of coke maybe a cup of coffee maybe nice a nice meal recreation it's all good but is that your you have to understand what is your ultimate value things that are really really important like rifka says without this la malihayan those that's the another what are the real issues now part of values is to be easy going maybe and to have a simple and not to be uptight those are important things so figure these are things that you want to discover and you want to know you know is this a person that you're just going to be able to really enjoy life a life of growth a life of meaning a life of inspiration and a life of of simcha and and a life of a life that's a life that's that's it's very important you want to be able to you don't want the life should be annus amen all of life is uh once heard from the bill abiel said he meant he said yeah they're late sim you know they're they're good for external jokes he said you're not going to change the world even kabbalah is the side of everything kabbalah means that you're an aveda shaman but he said it but if it's not pneumonia's dick you're not going to be able to change the world you understand you can't just be a person you just follow the rules it needs to be pleasing neighbors to villa mensch he wants life the home at sea is do you say this kabbalah because that keeps you on the track you don't get overwhelmed with every stus and every night so here too kabbalah is the site that you say this in marriage loyalty dedication trust commitment sometimes you wake up you're in a great mood sometimes you wake up and you're not in a good mood sometimes you want to pick up your figure in the airport and sometimes you're not in the museum you want to go buy milk and sometimes you don't want you know it's right that you do it but you want that the relationship should be able to be a deep relationship that you should be able to talk about all of this next question how important is the family situation for a potential if her parents are divorced or my parents are divorced or generally her parents do not have a good marriage or some of her siblings have different challenges what should i do about all of this excellent question and the answer is loya cairesa there are people i know whose parents are divorced and it affected their marriage because their go-to listen to this their instinctive go-to place was there's a fight oh let's get divorced and that could be a terrible challenge a very difficult challenge they have not seen commitment they have not seen loyalty they've seen a lot of fighting and then separation but i have also seen people whose parents got divorced and that put them on a journey of such depth and such sensitivity and so much self-discovery they have unbelievable marriages so i can't tell you a rule it's an important thing to deal with it's a struggle but what do struggles do to people some struggles create the most amazing people and some struggles destroy people so you really need to this is going to be part of your dating process find out what the divorce did to her it may have made her very cynical it made very deep down instinctively she doesn't trust marriage and when you get into a big fight five years down the line she'll just check out emotionally or you will check it emotionally that's possible or maybe the other way around if you can both go into the date and say here's my craziness what's your craziness here's maestus de nefer shabamas what's yours my parents got divorced when i was four years old and i blamed myself and i had a miserable miserable childhood all my friends had a father to take me to officer bonham to take me to shul and i'm the only one who didn't and as a result i am this person today and you may discover a soul that is glorious again it's serious but it could go in two opposite directions you're gonna have to figure that out the same is true with her situation she saw a fam of parents that were not happy it may have damaged her in a very profound way or it may have damaged her and transformed her into an amazing person but malcolm shabbat should aim them ain't sadiq you understand what i'm saying very important in terms of siblings is the same thing she has a few siblings that are going through challenges i don't know what you mean those challenges are it could be siblings that left either skype it could be they're very very sensitive people they're hsps it could be they've been dealing with a lot of stuff you know today the judgmentalism is the is the most superficial foolish thing that exists anybody who knows anything about people knows that judgmentalism has to go out the window and i'm going to say something else if you had this to learn siddhis even for one year and you're still living in an orbit of judgmentalism sadly as it's said added gillette and tanya but the tanya garnish so it's important instead of judging her siblings let's find out what's happening is there may be something very painful in the family and then it's a serious red flag it may turn her into an amazing person or into a broken person the huli vaguely i think you get my point how many dates are considered a barometer for knowing i don't have an answer for that i told you i had a friend who didn't have to date once and i knew myself i had to date for a longer time and other people are in the middle some people eight is enough and some people six are enough some people four enough and some people 20. and i don't think you could give it you know i think after six months it's already if it's no you should know that it's no i think even after three or four months if it's a no you should know that it's no and if you still have a suffix maybe yeah so continue a little longer but the exact number i don't i'm not going to give and i think it's wrong to give hot toilet fee ish pun intended can you address the proper balance of emotions and sickle a very good question very good question the balance in emotions in seiko is an important balance and i'll say as follows the there's a vert from uh so doesn't tarnish it the core of life is the mind or the core of life is the heart that ebb says in the famous vayishlach put the men before the women asap put the women before the men so the devil said love it's going to be the queen of asap because asap is higher than yaakov and the mile of asap is going to be in this gala that women come before men the cave of the save of governor asia teresa ladies first why he says today the late needs to be governed by the maya the labor is going to govern everything because it can life happens in the heart why am i saying this to you relationships happen in the heart relationships are all about empathy relationships are about letting somebody else into your life and them letting you into their life and really sharing that that's something you do with the heart everything is in the brain but it's the part of the brain that is responsible for the heart the same bilibenu is that the middles can't be changed amid this represents the primal motives of a person when it says it means to harness it but the true core of who you are that's your middle east it says mid has come from a higher place than the seiko because middles represent your primal primal primal motives and that doesn't change i gave a series of shooting shuriman and it's a very sadistic commandment what's seychelle what's mid is what's higher usually sakura is higher than it is really medicines are higher than seiko it's a very deep opinion it's not for now but my point here is as follows circle is very important but sekhal is only important so that it should become a conduit for who you really are and what you really are emotional about you don't want to build a relationship and say you want to build a relationship on essence on plenty is unlathe but the problem is my heart can get very overwhelmed and startled and external and get biased and feel things and feel attraction that's superficial and skin deep so you need to cycle to monitor it you need a cycle to to to to give perspective to be a little objective but the creation of the relationship happens in the heart i hope i answered your question how do i know i'm saying no for a good enough reason good question by asking this question ask yourself and you know what if you have a suffolk go out again go on another two times nothing is going to happen maybe you have to discuss with people maybe you're not saying no for a good reason maybe your no is not a good reason and if you would date another two or three times maybe you'll see a new world you know sometimes a bucket calls me and says he dated and it's not going anywhere i said was anybody vulnerable did anybody speak about their craziness their students obama's no we just spoke about what we did in the summer i said you have to let somebody into your heart but i don't know if she's the right one i know but we take risks if i'm not going to let her into my life how are you going to how are you going to know you have to be able to let a person into their your life and then you have to see is she interested in your life are you interested in her life we have to be vulnerable it's risky that's true it's risky i dated five plus times i really liked her she said no i'm dealing with the rejection how do i get her out of my head stop thinking about her it's impossible it's so difficult i feel so dejected i feel disappeared because she said no to me this looks good my entire entire cover is good the first thing is it's painful you really liked her your your hopes were high and i'm just asking the organizer episode your hopes were high and it meant a lot to you and this is hard it's hard so it's important first of all if i may you know people say i'm just going to tell this to you it's important people say that women are emotional and men are not emotional vanilli [Laughter] men are as emotional and as sensitive as women at least every man that i know they have learned to hide it much more they have learned maybe to control it more they have learned to ignore it more the man traditionally was the warrior the hunter the gatherer the forager the soldier the woman called for the boss mother could sit with the hilum with the cena whoopsie oopsie well senorena weave the sweaters and raise the kids and she could be emotional but the emma says men are very very emotional so it's important to take time to acknowledge your emotion and acknowledge your pain and if the doubts of christ because it's important to have compassion there's pain there's grief you know you lost something very precious but together with that i just also want you to reflect on the fact that if she was not excited about you so imagine she would have said yes just to make you feel better that would have been so much more hurtful a girl once told me i can't tell him no because i feel bad for him so therefore i told him yes i'm like ribena shalom you think you're doing him a favor when he finds out that he doesn't deserve to marry a girl who's crazy about him all he deserves is to marry a girl who has rahmanus on him he's such an abacus or the other way around i once told the girl i said you feel that you don't deserve better than a boy who's crazy about you you need a boy who has rejuanas on you so remember she was also doing you a favor because if this is not a girl who's enamored by you and who really feels that you're the greatest guy in the world for her so then you deserve and want much better she's a great girl but it's not for you acknowledge the pain and sometimes it takes a while and that's fine you're you're a normal person i'm not going to call it an amputation you weren't married but there was there was a lot of expectation and it's hard it's painful it says shalom is painful it's called closure so take the time there's an element of grief it's important to be able to acknowledge those emotions i i'm just going to say this again i i feel it's so wrong when we train our boys and our bakram oh emotions are for girls it's not true it's just not true i'm sorry to say this i happen to be a man i happen to know other men it's just not true it's hey it's we are very very emotional sometimes men are as emotional and more emotional than women we have learned to process it in a different way and that not that abnorma satan explains that femininity is malhos malchus pat a woman processes her experiences through speaking about them and a man often he speaks about it after you already finished processing so the conversation is two seconds it's different ways of processing but the emotions are very intense and you have to respect that in yourself guys all of you respect your emotions yes you went out five times ten times she said no it hurts it's painful your pillowcase may be wet and you're allowed to share that with somebody at least share it with yourself and with compassion don't judge yourself don't say where is my mayak sha'a talalav what happened to all the stories of daily israel and great siddhim and great jews who said this move on move on but part of moving on is acknowledge and feel and process your emotions in fact some people say that women statistically get over relationships rejections of relationships engagement breakups even divorces faster and better than men i've heard that i'm not an expert in this field so i can't vouch but it's a real truth it's real truth that it's important to acknowledge the the emotional pain and then realize the other element i said as well i don't think i'm mentally ready i know what rabbi lipscore said earlier what you said earlier i do not think i'm mentally ready and i really don't know if i should go in to marriage or not i i just don't know maybe i'm ready maybe i'm not ready okay very very briefly maybe you should mendel was right speak to a person or two or three people that you can really trust and speak to them about it and speak to them about it are you ready or not ready you may be more ready than you think you may be more unready than you think i think it's important to get feedback remendel said you need to be six months clean of acting out did he mean daft beratsen yes he probably meant badass in other words in your name that are achillec of min that's a helicopter i'm having a problem problem is that all this discussion on shidduchim and dating goes against everything i was told in yeshiva they told us in yeshiva never think about girls never speak about girls never create a friendship with girls now i'm dating i was a good booker in yeshiva and i am repulsed by everything i was told in yeshiva i feel that they lied to us they manipulated us we were like sheep sent to the slaughter why did they design the system like this i am so upset i am so hurt i have a lot of anger see what's going on here i want to tell you something your pain is very very understandable you got one message for many many years and now suddenly the message is exact opposite and i think people may have had good intentions and the intentions were maybe very noble but they don't always know how to communicate it in my opinion it's a very bad mistake that bakrim cannot feel that they can have open conversations with mentors and confidants and mashpeem and rashashivas and teachers about their intimate life what's going on in their body what's going on in their hormones what's going on in their thoughts and feelings and they have to learn everything on their own and sometimes from places that are not based on kedusha and sometimes from people that introduce it in ways that are very very damaging how many bakram decide that they have certain tendencies because of certain emotions they don't know how nuanced it is how sensitive this whole sugiya is you're dealing with indiana that are so delicate and so deep you need hadiraja people have to become comfortable with their emotions you can't demonize people you have to understand how the body works how the soul works it's so important to be able to give people the freedom and the compassion that they need to be able to embrace yiddish kite and sneeze and relationships from a place of inner wholeness realizing that hashem and are not here to destroy us and stifle our creativity and destroy our joy and take away all of our fun in life and excitement and just want to quarantine us in the books without knowing anything about the opposite gender the objective of hashem was he wants you to live the best life possible physically spiritually in alumni revolve around this but bhakram have to be communicated and they have to be spoken to on this level now you have to know how to speak and to which boy to say what that's why it's hard just give public addresses because so many boys are in different places and that's why the policy is usually you know we don't talk about it and we don't think about it so they meant well but in your case you're right because it really gave you the opposite impression of what the truth is and i'm sorry and i'm sorry because it's not that you know you don't think about women you don't talk about women they don't exist it's understanding how our brains work how our bodies work it's respecting women it's respecting men it's respecting the electricity that hashem created i didn't create it it wasn't my idea i didn't have the idea of adam and chavez hashem's idea so it's understanding it's understanding the relationship the dynamic and respecting it and understanding why is trying actually to create a structure that will help everybody develop on their own boys and girls in the best way so that when they're ready for the relationship which is a very intense it could be done in the most successful way if every boy would understand this if every goal would understand this everything would look differently so what am i telling you i'm telling you i get it and i understand it and you know what slowly we're all learning and we're all growing and we're gaining more awareness i hate myself okay we're gonna go for another 10 minutes okay it's 11 50 and we're gonna go till 12. plenty i hate myself when a girl seems to like me i think something is wrong with her wow how do i navigate this great great question it's worse a girl likes me and the more she likes me i don't like her because i say she must be me sugar she must be totally crazy it's a good good question and what i'm gonna say to you is you need to get to the bottom of this my hunch is without knowing you i could tell you that you know just get involved in a relationship and do good things and help other people and you'll get back much more than you give you know vinosnu you could read backwards and forwards what you give comes back of nonsense i think you give it comes back so that's one number one i could tell you and i would tell you get involved and giving and you'll see your value you know when you count jews you don't count them say no you count what they give if you want to know your value get involved in giving people who give see themselves in a different light so that's one thing i would tell you get involved in giving really take on a project get involved in in in a social cause and a cause of obvious role actors israel helping people of different become a volunteer i don't know bachatan became a volunteer for high lifeline helping he visits patients dealing with cancer changed his life try it out that's one thing i'm telling you but there also may be a very deep trauma sitting in you and you have to address it because there is an instinctive reaction to yourself that is repulsive probably you felt at a very young age that your inner self is embarrassing and very very shameful and you have to hide it you have to hide it and the self that you show to others is a mask it's a mask now today everybody wears masks but it's time to take over the masks but you can't and when a girl likes you it's like she doesn't know me she must be sick she's fooled she's being deceived so it's very very important with compassion to be able to find the cause and and help and there is today a lot of healing available hashem has given our generation last 20 30 years especially a lot of gifts of healing if you want to keep in touch with me about this or other issues you could keep in touch with me at the end i'm going to give my information what if i am not sure about my typis in terms of gender well thank you for your honesty this is a big big sugar and i'm gonna i don't want to address it now because i only have six minutes write to me and i'm gonna answer you if there's a few people who are dealing with this and you're online you write to me and i'll address it to you privately okay you could email me rabbi y at the yeshiva.net rabbi yy at the yeshiva.net t-h-e-y-e-s-h-i-v-a dot net is his cash res essential what if i have a strong feeling for the rebbe for siddhis she doesn't or the other way around i don't know how you define his kashtras maybe you want to listen to my fabulous rabbi shaystab we had two weeks ago in tribute of rabiot bringing about his castros but if the rabbit plays a big role in your life you want your spouse to share it the question how you define is kashus if you find this kashtras as an external thing maybe it doesn't matter so i don't know how you define it but if you define this kosheros in a way that did his teachings that have because his view at the world that ebb is life that ebb is energy shapes you and molds you and crafts you and inspires you it's probably very deep inside of you it's something you want to be able to share it's something you want to get excited about and be able to share with your spouse so it's important put it in the values in the value category in other words are you are do you share values and it's going to become a practical question you know what type of moistness you're gonna send your children to what camps to send them what your house is gonna look like from pictures on the wall to behaviors in the house these are questions you know they may be small but they're important so those are questions you want to be able to answer is there something wrong with the girl being older i think the question is discussed and if i'm not mistaken there's letters from the debit to people that if the girl is older a few years it's not a problem i know that ebberson was older than that ever i think i once saw a letter that ebba said if it's more than if it's 10-year disparity a person should stay away from it but i think the question is discussed in quite a few places almost every girl i date says no i'm doing my best to make a good impression i'm trying to show that i care i'm just wondering is this a blessing for me to get the right one or maybe i'm lacking something why is every single girl saying no to me what is going on can you please help me wow i'm sorry but i don't know the answer but i'll tell you where i would begin i would begin with pleading with the shotgun or the people involved to find out from the girls what is bothering them because this is so powerful you know if you care about somebody and you say no if there's something that they can fix or be aware of i think it's important to share it in a respectful way so that's where i would begin to try to find out you know what are they seeing in you and then you can make a decision and say this is who i am or this is something i can work on etc sometimes they're seeing something that may be bothering them and you know what you can fix it and it could change everything maybe you don't stop talking maybe you don't know how to show empathy maybe the types of dates maybe certain things you said i don't know maybe some certain things in your personality and your behavior i don't know i really don't know maybe it's something you can change maybe it's something you can but you want to find out much more so i think it's important and i think it's important for all of us if i can help somebody if i dated somebody and i'm going to say no but i can help them why not in a respectful kind way at what point can i compliment a girl on her gosh me as dick a beauty it's a good question i think this is something that belongs to the later later dates and even then in a friend that it should not shallom compromise any surname if a suggestion comes up but one of her parents is an extremist is this something to be concerned about i go back to my previous answer maybe yes maybe not we have to find out the parents can be an extremist an extremist about what if the parent is an extremist about halloween so be it if the parent is an extremist about certain things that may have really affected the children you want to investigate what that is if the parent is an extremist that he doesn't go to sleep even three o'clock in the morning without finishing three prakhim rambam and uh and the khumash and the tehillim and his other shiitum okay we have to know much more what did it do to the family what did it do to the kids and even if his extremism is damaging right maybe his children are more sensitive because of this so these are all things that you want to um you want to be aware of and you want to look into you said the antithesis of addiction is not sobriety it's connection is this real is this supported by science absolutely you think rabbi yy just sits here and makes up such a statement talking to more than a thousand people and telling you such a statement without taking responsibility for it this is absolute cutting-edge research with addiction is the antithesis of addiction is not sobriety the antithesis of addiction is connection there is even a whole research that was done by a great scientist in europe with la havdal rats showing rats who were addicted because there was no connection it's a fascinating fascinating study so therefore i would i completely stand by this and it's so important for all of us because those bachram who wrote about their struggles i know we could focus on the struggle and the addiction but that's not the key i'm telling you the katsuki rabbi said a taiva you're foreign from one two very deep and that's why in tanya and in khabada you say this bahamas you've got to get to know your nephesha bahamas because the function is not destructiveness the function is education enlightenment you want to know what's at the core don't study the addiction study the pain study the pain you're in pain now you may not know you're in pain because already from age 12 you have an escape route every night every other night you escape but there's pain a lot of pain it's just you're used to it but being used to it doesn't make it not painful so we need to open ourselves up to this because this will single-handedly be responsible for creating an amazing relationship or khasrem the opposite i send you all my love and blessings on behalf of myself and the mendel who is i hope is flying to the west coast and i wish you all tremendous to be able to have atlah in this chapter of your life until the great moment of aussie males thank you thank you everybody and thank you for gracing us thank you to rabbi and robertson rep salman and yehudas blooming at duke university for being the ruach behind us thank you to my dear friend rep stephen gordon for being the ruach behind us thank you for everybody for all the bachram joining us thank you to my dear cousin my older cousin remendel and brachavatslocha to all of you until the next time this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyshiva.net donate