Rabbi YY Jacobson & Rabbi Mendel Lipsker: Navigating the World of Dating #1

Um, together with that, American culture, or current culture, modern age, dating, you know, our styles, there's our culture. You know, dating in Israel may be one way, America's another way, 50 years ago may be another way, 60, 70 years ago. You know, in the early days, people went on a date, you went on the one train, and you went up and down the one train from Newlots Avenue all the way to the banks, and then back, and that was the date. Uh, more elaborate date was to go to Kennedy Airport. I forgot what it was called then, Idlewild, maybe after it was given airport. Kennedy Airport and you sat by the by the gate and you watched the planes go up and down. What a relaxing environment. And what does it look like that? And then the another way was to go to East Flatbush, go a little out of town heights and walk up and down Remsen Avenue on a quiet street. That's all you got on the date. A meeting, and everybody got married and mostly lived happily ever after. But today we have a different style. You have there's like expectations and what you're supposed to do. Some cultures still meet in the living room. I know COVID we actually revived a little bit the old-fashioned dating. You go a lot of homes in Williamsburg, Borough Park, Flatbush, people rented out their back house or front house and you would go in and sit down and So, how does that all match up together? Yes, it's a little bit of a a challenge, but with saychel, common sense, good directives, normal friends, and most of all, a mentor, a mashpia, a bochur, whether you have a mashpia, quote unquote mashpia, real mashpia, it's up for up for debate, but someone who you trust, who you can consult with with all these questions. But just a little a minute of akdamah that today many people struggle with the question, how do I know I'm ready to date? Or how do I know I'm ready to get married? Maybe I'm not responsible enough. Am I responsible enough? Maybe I don't have enough money. Today money is so important. Everybody wants financial stability. Nobody we're sick and tired and fed up of living uh you know, the old life purely on emunah and purely paying bills and having to get all the scholarships and all the discounts and all the frum from food stamps, rent subsidy, welfare, or Medicaid, all of that together. And I well I have an amount of money and the women want more financial stability. They want to be able to spend and everything became so expensive. So maybe I need to figure out first I need to figure out how am I going to support a family? What's going to be my career? And I'm not there yet. So maybe you So who said because I'm 22, I'm 23, I'm not ready? Um second Someone mentioned they don't hear Rabbi Jacobson. He's going to come on in a minute. He's on. He's on. I'm here. And second of all, um maybe I'm not mature. You know, people talk about boys and girls dating. Boys and girls somehow it's still in our lingo. I always say boys and girls. These days boys and girls don't get married. Men and women get married. Amol boys and girls got married. 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 so you have an alter ego, a bocher. Today 22, 20 it's a young woman and a young man. But I maybe I'm not mature enough. Maybe I don't have my life figured out enough. Maybe my values I'm still figuring out who I am and what's my priorities. Maybe I struggle with some mental or emotional issues. Um various things maybe I have as bocherim I've been exposed or to struggle with the un-sneezed things different things like that. So maybe I'm not ready. So why my parents don't know me? Well, these are good questions. And the answer is Our program is supposed to get you ready for that. Working the program for all the years in Yeshiva and and mostly I know it sounds when I'm I'm not challenging the system but You all have it a little bit. We all have it. Going through the system you're learning the we work on ourselves. That's part and parcel of going through the Yeshiva system. You work on yourself the ego not to be so selfish more thinking about the thinking about about others. And then when you through the system and you you have your your proper ideas and opinions because it's learned or the approach to life and different things like that. So we have experience of whatever as as a as a Jew as a so you should have your opinions ready to go and your philosophies ready to go and and now you have your maturity that hopefully you know your ego and myself and me myself and I have not loved after the priority and everything has to be my way and what I want and and hopefully so you're ready you're ready to take on the challenge. You don't have to have so much experience. People have a big time on the Yeshiva system. Why we don't teach by us you would be like in high school and seminary there's so many classes about a Jewish home and about the responsibility and about relationship and about parenting and different ideas and the Shiva just flies by and it's a diner it's a diner. There's some improvement to that perhaps these podcasts and all different angles is a is part of the solution and very good to Shakira to all the organizers and there's many many online and different things happening in the firmament of the world preparing young men and women for marriage but for bachurim and this is meant to be for bachurim here we have to realize that the traditional program of Chabad siddur yeshiva mitzrayim nigleh siddur davening avodah if you if you take it in it is all about pre it's about being a mensch it's about responsibility accountability sensitive not everything has to go my way learning how to listen to azulas avis yisrael and and it's all there there's plenty of things and you can go you can go on a journey and if you talk you have all these questions shua bereishis talk talk to your parents my parents don't understand me talk to a sibling talk to a friend talk to a mashpia talk to a dating coach they have today and some shidduchim are very good and you can get a good feeling about yourself if you're ready and it shouldn't stop you most of these questions many times sometimes you have to be honest and maybe someone is not yet ready but many times it comes from a general fear and anxiety it's too much marriage it's such a big responsibility I'm not ready and some people are the other way around they say get married get married and they get married and all of a sudden they're completely not ready for marriage and Then into marriage and it's it's it's a because they have no idea what responsibility means getting up on time, being accountable to somebody else, managing an account, etc. etc. So, with the proper patience, we can out we can out do ourselves. Um but it's it's it's good not to not just to jump into it, but actually to make such a nefesh. Sit down with two friends. Sit down with your parents. Sit down with a Make a nefesh. And and talk. This is my philosophy on this. This is what I want. This is what I'm looking for. And am I okay? Ask for feedback. And when you're ready to go, you're ready to go. So, L'chaim. Chodesh Adar, chodesh of simcha. Should have many simchas. And I pass the mic to Rabbi Jacobson. Reb Mendel, you can hear me and see me? Canst thou hear me now? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, first of all, thank you very much to my dear cousin, Rabbi Mendel Lipsker, and to the organizers, Rabbi Zalman and uh Rebbetzin Blooming, for organizing all of this and everybody who's gracing us here with your presence and everybody who was involved. Thank you very much. So, please feel free. I guess Reb Mendel, you announced about the chat, right? That everybody could post any question you would like into the chat and we will be addressing them. If you want one of us should specifically address it, Rabbi Lipsker or myself, you could specify it. If not, one of us will address it. If somebody else has what to add, I guess he'll add. I'm just going to open up very briefly before we begin with the questions with uh just a general some a few words of a few words of introductions that may be uh that may be helpful and relevant. The first thing I want to say is what is the function of of what you call courtship or or meeting of a young man and a young woman? What is the function of it? So, some people will say well, I want to get to know the person. I want to know who who I'm setting up my house with base of Hashem. Right? And that's of course true. But it's very important to understand that we barely barely get to know a person truthfully through such meetings. What we really learn about a person comes often much much later. Sometimes it takes so many years. And it's important to understand that. Because if a person is going to really feel that after these and these encounters, I really know everything about my second half. Sometimes we could be very shocked by what happens later in life. I think it's much more honest to understand the truth. Then when we're meeting somebody, what we really want to know is if this is the person I want to travel with on the journey of self-discovery throughout my life. You know, life is like a hike. It's like a journey. Right? Life is a line in the the dark yachts boats. It's called Yisharim dark Hashem. It's a dark. The path of life, everybody has their path in life. It's a hike. And the hike goes up mountains and goes down slopes. Sometimes we have to jump off a cliff. Sometimes we have to climb heavy boulders. We have to help each other get up. Sometimes we trip, we stumble, we fail. I don't know everything that's going to happen on the hike. I don't even know the person's skills to be able to go through the hike intimately and thoroughly, but I know you're the person I want to go on this hike with. You're the person I want to travel with on this incredible journey of discovering your life, my life, our life. And building of us with Shakanti beside him. Building, turning our homes into a Mishkan, into a base of Migdash. Bless us as Barack Obama said. So, it's very important in other words, you're the person that I want to be able to be with throughout this journey, throughout this journey of discovery, of discovery. That's what you want to know. And to be that person, I should be able to be that person for you, and you should be able to be that person for me is very, very powerful. And then we begin to discover life together. Don't go into it thinking you have mastered the person. We barely know ourselves. It's a lifelong journey to figure out yourself. You think in a few weeks or even in a few months you're going to figure out another person. That's number one. Number two, don't ignore things that come up. Sometimes people say, you know, there's red flags, but but it's nothing. It's important. If something is not important, okay. Discuss it with somebody you really trust as Ramendel said, but don't ignore anything. Because what may seem as small and insignificant, you may be dismissing because you don't want it to be something, but maybe it's very, very important. Maybe this is a red flag. So, don't ignore things. Just bring it up to somebody that you can trust, somebody who has dos. Somebody who has experience, somebody who cares about you, somebody who knows about life. I'm not talking about just to talk to anybody. Talking about somebody that you really trust and you really look up to. Somebody who understands, has dots, has a maturity. This is extremely important. Another thing I would say is it's very important to be able to truly establish the fact that relationships are difficult and successful marriages require a lot of aveda. And the more I'm ready to work on myself, the better I can have a relationship with somebody else. A relationship with somebody else is first and foremost a real relationship with yourself. A real real connection with yourself. In a deep, authentic, pnimiyusdike way. The more self-awareness there is, the more I have my issues worked out, the more I could really be there for another person. Because without that, I start confusing sheli shelcha shelcha sheli. What are your issues become my issues, my issues become your issues. Sheli shelcha shelcha sheli is mishkensed. So there is that clarity that comes from aveda pnimis, from internal internal aveda. The last thing I want to say before we go over to the questions is a general comment about this time in life. And I want to say something I heard from the I had a close to hear from the rebbe. It was shabbos parshas chayei sorah taf shin mem ches. I was a young yeshiva bochur. And the rebbe made an the rebbe made an incredible observation. The longest parsha in torah, one of the longest parshas in torah, it is Eliezer finding a shidduch for Yitzchak and Rivka. Avraham sent him out to Charan to go find a shidduch and he finds Rivka. It's more than 60 psukim. You would think that the focus of the story should be the wedding. Rivka comes to Yitzchak and they meet, mashalta chuppah, and after kabbalas panim at the badekenish, at the chuppah, at the chasanah, the lebbedike freilach, that should be the focus. That's one pasuk. That's one pasuk at the end after 67, I think 67 pasukim, it's one pasuk that Yitzchak got married to Rivka. Vayaveha and he loved her, he cherished her, vayenachem Yitzchak acharei Yitzchak Aviacha v'yishama, and Yitzchak found comfort sorrow. The crux of the story is the search for the shidduch. Avraham Avinu talking to Eliezer and then Eliezer talking back and then the whole the oath and then Eliezer taking the camels and traveling and then coming to the well and then doing the whole tefillah with Hashem and then it actually happening and then going to Lavan and Shmuel's Rivka's parents' home and then telling over the whole story and the negotiations and the willing and the dealing and they don't want her and they have to ask Rivka and then they go back and then one pasuk about the tachlis. The Rebbe that was speaking at the kinus for the kinus hashlichim and the Rebbe spoke about how shlichus works. You know, it would be very nice if every shliach goes out and right away you bring into the chuppah every Jew with Hashem and it's all perfect. But most of the work of a shliach is the relationship, it's building the relationship, it's building the connections, it's the hachanah, the hechsher mitzvah. And people get very turned off, like what's the tachlis? Let's just get to the tachlis. No, no, this is the avodah, this is the avodah of searching, of removing the obstacles, of getting to that point. And why am I saying this to you? Because the Torah here is telling us a general blueprint for life. You know, every tekufah in life has its challenges and its blessings. What I find very often, and it's painful, and it's true both for young men and young women. Is that people often think that till they're not engaged, until they're not married, you know, life stops. It's like you reach a certain age where you become ripe, you know, the grape grape become ripe and now life stops until you get married. And that's not the approach. The whole you say to be Jewish guide, especially the way it's explained in this case. The mission says in Kadushin I need to race the shamash is coming. Every day is priceless. Every journey in life represents an ultimate tachlis and destination. You all know the story with the Rebbe Rashab. The Rebbe said it over and remember I heard it from the Rebbe Rashab as far as Pinhas Tofshin on Olive. The Rebbe Rashab said they should sing a niggun. Cuz he wanted to say a mind and the bakken wanted to hear the mind and they sang the niggun swiftly. So the Rebbe Rashab interrupted them. And he said this is the seder for a chitsin and it's for a pnimy. A chitsin which means an external person. Nothing is done authentically. I'm always onto the next. But a pnimy woman is this what the Rebbe words of the Rebbe Rashab and the Rebbe repeated them. Woman is is men and gantsen. If I'm here, I'm present. I'm I'm here fully with my full presence. So when you're singing a niggun, not just a chana for a mind and let's get it over with. No, the journey itself is the destination. Shabbat Pinhas on Olive is an unbelievable sicha that Rebbe explained that every moment in life that is essential to the entire kavana of the entire creation and existence of the world. There's no such a thing as a small detail. If it's a detail, it's negayan atsmus. It's an indispensable note in the cosmic symphony if you wish. It's very painful when people put their lives on hold. Yes, you went out with one person and it didn't work. You're on a second person. Maybe you're on a third person. Maybe you're on an eighth person. It's frustrating. And it could be painful. And there could be disappointment. And it's important to have a support system and to have people that you're speaking to, especially if you invested so much and sometimes painful things happen. And it's important to acknowledge all that. But never ever feel that life stops until the moment that the hasana happens. That's not the case. Every moment is priceless. Suck the marrow out of life. Seize the day. You wake up in the morning and I had a talk with him. My father told me that he heard from Rabbi Hadakov that the Rebbe said that the name means as the tugs tug. I am I am. The day should be a day. Make every day count. Don't just be a victim of a system or a victim of somebody who disappointed you. And don't think that because you're not engaged for shalom, you're valueless and inconsequential, especially in certain societies without family. You feel like you don't fit in. These are normal things. But if the fact that somebody asks you, "When are you getting engaged?" You know, some people make wise comments. It's not easy to hear, but it's important for you to have that internal dignity. And utilize your life well. Get involved in something that's meaningful. Whatever it is in your life, take it be productive, be successful, make a difference, challenge yourself, stimulate yourself, use your time to grow. Do not use the journey time as just time to waste and squander and wait for the next moment. A woman is men and guns. And I shall should give you and all of us tremendous and direct you in the right path to be able to find what you need and what you want and what you're searching for so that each and every one of us should be able to fulfill the of our neshama here in this world. Ultimately, I love you and I love you. Thank you. Remember the stuff. You hear me? Hello? Hello. Yeah, yeah, I hear. Sorry, I'm I'm muted just to have your voice come through clear. So, we have a question here. We have a question. Yeah, so there's two two questions uh positions. There's a chat and there's Q&A. So, the Q&A has quite a few questions already, and the chat has one question. Let's ask the people to put the questions in Q&A better. You can answer the first question in the chat. And then Rabbi Jacobson, I think it looks like it's for you, and then we'll move on to the questions and answers in Q&A, and then perhaps um uh through between the questions, throw in some dating advice. So, the first question that came in on chat is, "How do you know how do you know if this is the person you want to go on the self-discovery journey with?" Very good. The Rebbe said in the Gemara, I quoted the dinner percha, right? Let's go back to the beginning. It's very nice. How do I know this is the right person? So, obviously, there's the elements that only you can answer. There's the element that only you can answer because uh to put it in the Gemara's language, "Arba'im yom kodem yetziras havlad." Bef- 40 days before you were created as a bas kol that came out, you know, bas kol plaining the plaining. Somebody belongs to you. Somebody you belong to somebody and somebody belongs to you. I don't hear your bas kol. Only you hear your bas kol. Not only nobody can hear your bas kol. Reb Blev Groner was the Rebbe's long-time secretary from Tav Shin Tes, 1949. All the years, and he used to tell a story, and it's published now also in the first safer of his diaries, Hamaska, cuz he put it in his diary. Reb blab groaner got engaged with his Rebbetzin Solange Yudin, Rebbetzin Yehuda's groaner Nigrudevich in tough you doubt it. Davis tough you doubt it the beginning of 1954. And remember he was already a personal secretary of the Rebbe for 5 years. And those are the early years when the Rebbe you know, had more time and shepherd shepherd in the system especially the bathroom in the most in the closest way in a very revealed way and this was his own personal secretary. So the blab asked the Rebbe the most natural question after he met her a few times. I don't know how many times he said should I finish the up? Should I complete the up? And I don't know if you know what the Rebbe answered him. The Rebbe laid with all the story and it's not it's not published from his diary. The Rebbe told him an unbelievable answer. This is the Rebbe told his own personal mask and maybe the closest to one of the closest people the gosh miss physically close proximity to the Rebbe. The Rebbe told him these words. The Rebbe said when she comes to a up when it comes to deciding who is your match, who is your spouse if you can't finish tough I can't help you. My Tata can't finish tough. Your father can't help you. My mama can't finish tough. Your mother can't help you. My say call can't finish tough. Even your cerebral logic can't help you. No my heart is only your heart can help you. If I'm not mistaken my brother told me that he told the story from the blab and he said that the Rebbe pointed to the heart if I'm not mistaken. It doesn't say I don't it's not printed in the book that he pointed to the heart. He said no down hearts. He said I hope if your heart is gravitating to it then it's good and you should complete the up. Now what did the Rebbe mean if I may explain? The Rebbe didn't mean that we shouldn't get advice from people. Of course you should get advice from your father and your mother, especially if you have a great relationship with your parents and your parents are people who are confidants and you trust them and you cherish them and you cherish their opinion. Of course, you should get advice. And of course, you should get advice from the Rebbe. But the Rebbe meant ultimately there's a bascule that you have to hear. It's your shidduch. It's your relationship deep deep down. It's my neshama and it's your destiny for life. So that's number one. After saying that, which I think is is very important, I would just say a few things that I think, at least from, you know, for many people it becomes uh it becomes very important. Who's the person you want to go on this hike with? I would say, you want a person who's not self-centered. You want a person who will have empathy. You want a person probably who's not rigid, who's not uptight, who's not stuck in their ways and stubborn. You want a person who has middos tovus. Middos tovus, somebody who's kind, somebody who's empathetic, somebody who's understanding. Somebody who has good values. Somebody who's not selfish, who's not narcissistic, who's not self-centered. You want somebody who's kind. Pashut chesed, a kind, a good dimension, a kind person. You want somebody who's flexible. You want somebody who has yiras shamayim. Yiras shamayim means they have real values. They have absolute values. So have an Eibershter. You know, they have they have yiras shamayim. They have things that they care about. You want that your values should be aligned. You want to build a house that both of you want that type of house. You want to raise a family. You want that your values. It's very important because, you know, life is complicated and there's a lot of different paths, you know, de aina satala fanacha. So you want to make sure that your values align. You want to make sure that you can be honest with each other. I should be able to be vulnerable with you. You should be able to be vulnerable with me. We should be able to hold hands even in difficult moments. Holding hands, I mean spiritually, emotionally. I want that you should I should feel that you will support me a thousand percent and you will feel I will support you. We don't have to always agree with each other on the hike. You may want to go right, I may want to go left, you want to may go up to find the the spot where we could see the whole Manhattan, I may not want to, I may be tired, I want to just go back down and go out to eat, whatever it is. But, we should be able to learn to trust each other. To really be dedicated to each other, loyal to each other. And I would say one more thing, you want a person who's really ready to grow, who's ready to work on themselves, you know, who's ready to be humble, who could listen, who was who who wants to be challenged, who's ready to hear real criticism. I don't mean negative criticism, but real critique. Like the Rebbe Rashab says, "Ahavas Hashem Kodesh K'tamid K'havay u'miti." Cherish constructive critique cuz that will raise you to the greatest heights. I think these are some of the qualities that in a very general way would probably very would probably be very important and very helpful for the journey of life. What? Okay. Again, let's request the questions and answers. Go into the question and answer. The Mendel is I see some more in chat, so I don't know I don't know if go to the second one in chat and then we'll move on to the question and answer. The next So so let me read the next question. Maybe you'll answer. Should bachurim get a job prior to marriage? Should the Seder Hamem Should the Seder Hamem, yeah. Should we get a job prior to marriage? Is it preferable for a bachurim not just to stay in 770, in yeshiva and learn? Should the decision be based on where the bachur is going to be most productive? Some bachurim will be productive in yeshiva in 770 or another yeshiva, some bachurim won't, they're going to waste their time. So let them go get a job. That's the question of Mendel. Okay, so you um You you go. Okay, you uh There's of course exactly what you said and it's and it's another question in the question and answers as well. Shita derech baalei deya that a person should first have a malacha that he get parnassa, then he should get a house, and then he should marry a woman. There are such uh there's such an opinion. There are such cultures even by in different areas. But the Shulchan Aruch states nish dazein. That uh that's not the bottom line and especially our advanced culture in the last uh 100 to 100 years is nish dazein. Nevertheless, a person feels should I get a job? I mean, many people are working side jobs on the side on the side on the side, you know what I mean? But but as a as a preparation for marriage, you don't need a job. That's that's clear. You need to be a structured responsible person and not a time waster. Does yeah. So if a person is sitting in the and just being pushed through the system and barely learning, you know, 10 minutes and then yapping and then phone. So get yourself organized. Get yourself into a schedule. If the job will get you into a schedule, it doesn't behave. But if you have a you want a job in whatever will get you into a certain structure and you're feeling productive. But if a person is in the Shiva and feeling productive because later on the changes inside to absorb blick vol and now you have the opportunity with all the way without being responsible in so many ways to a family which will take so much of your time. And now you want to learn is it's in line. So the question is to get a job prior to marriage, it's not a a necessity. But if you're just in the Shiva because a job is is not look nice on the faith is not. If you're Shiva is just if you're just wasting time, then move to something structured and talk to your mashpia about this obviously. It's important it's important to remember what Hazal say. Shimo may be a little bit at all of that. And much more when when people are bored, when people are lonely, people become broken. People end up in all types of situations as the Rambam famously says, I think at the end of Shulchan Aruch, right? That in as the Alter Rebbe said, in a pustke kleiptzich, in in an empty space where there's nothing, something is going to fill that empty space. So, remember, if our life is empty, if I'm just waking up every day whenever I want and there's no structure, there's no meaning to my life, there's nothing exciting me, ultimately, the results can be catastrophic. So, just to be able to look at your friends and say, you know, I'm in yeshiva, it's very nice, but the main thing is pnimiyus, you know, who you are as a person. So, really, it's so important to structure your life in a in a meaningful and productive way. Of course, whatever you choose, there should be a certain amount of the day that you're dedicated to learning because at any age, uh learning Torah every day is oxygen, physical oxygen, spiritual oxygen, emotional oxygen. Good. Um by the way, through the questions, I think if you have any specific advice about dating and I think people want to hear that. There's a question here, is this a discussion of general dating or specific topics? Well, a little bit general and mostly specific topics what people want to hear as the questions Here is a difficult question Rabbi Jacobson, I think you should answer first. Any advice for someone dating a second time around after divorce or a broken engagement? That's a That's a very important question. And briefly, the advice that I would give for somebody who's dating after divorce or a broken engagement, which of course can be compared to the divorce, but it's a broken it's a broken it's a it's a difficult experience. I think it's important to answer a few questions very honestly, and you may need the help of somebody to give you feedback on these questions. And the question has to be what caused the divorce? Uh who's accountable for the divorce? Maybe both of us, that's fine. But what was my role in the divorce? Now, you could say nothing, I was a victim. She was a perpetrator, she was impossible, she had narcissistic personality disorder, she had borderline, she had mental illness, I'm a good guy. Maybe, maybe it's true, but the question is something else. What was still your role in the divorce? Meaning were you passive for many years? Did you ignore a lot of things? Did you allow yourself to become a doormat? Did you allow yourself to become a shmata? Did you allow yourself to be abused? That's the role you played. In other words, you have to be very very honest. What role did you play in this divorce? Whatever it is, as a perpetrator or as a victim. Number two, how did the divorce affect you? How did the broken engagement affect you? Again, what was your role and how did it affect you? Who are you today? These questions are extremely important because has for shalom, you don't want to go into a situation where new stuff come up and you did not really use the crisis. You know, the greatest mistake in life is to allow a crisis to pass without turning it into an opportunity for extraordinary growth. So, if you can answer these questions, what was my role in the divorce and in the broken engagement? Either as a mazik or as a nizik, maybe those are sharp words, but maybe either either as a mashpia or a makabel. Either as somebody who was part of the problem in one way or another way. Maybe I allowed it to happen, maybe I was an enabler. Maybe I was part of it. Maybe I was myself clueless, etc. Number two, what did I learn from it? Did I work on myself? Did I emerge from it? Am I a different person today? Do I have more awareness today? Or no, I'm just trying with another person. Don't just say I'll try with another person. So, that's also very, very important to be able to establish. And the last thing I think is very important to ask myself, you know, am I emotionally scarred by this and is it going to contaminate the new relationship? Do I have what it takes to go into the new relationship with chiyus, with enthusiasm, with openness? Or I'm going to be, you know, bitter and angry and resentful. So, those are important things, you know, has there been forgiveness? Has there been reconciliation? Am I ready to move on or I'm going to schlep that toxicity into the new relationship? So, I think these are some of the things that we have to ask ourselves and then it's a very honest conversation. Thank you. Good. Yes. The um another question. What are the consequences if I marry someone not by the shidduch system? Why is that terrible? I'm not sure. Does that mean find your own shidduch? Does that mean someone who you got to know in high school in a non-kosher way and now you want to get married? Um and what is so terrible if I just find my own idea, you know, by a Shabbos table or whatever it is. I'm assuming that this is the question. Um So, in general, from stories that I've heard from reliable sources, the Rebbetzin Shidduch is obviously l'chatchila and b'di'eved. L'chatchila, we have an established system, which is the way to go. What What a person doesn't feel themselves as part of the system and have no hope? We know how many should look at them happen by friend's suggestions. If something came your way and it already happened and something is there, then of course you will buy a Shabbos table and you happen that someone else was there. So, you can ask a friend or a shadchan to get involved. But what's probably the question is more what if I was hanging out at a bar where where I was where where I was at a party and I met someone and we struck up a conversation and shine now what happens? So, I have to say no, this was a non-kosher meeting and therefore it needs to stop and start over in the shidduch system. So, I've heard quite a few stories from the Rebbe especially in the early years that there were there was a time both with one individual and with a group of a few and the big chassidim around holler came to the Rebbe with a crisis, what to do? The the the young men and ladies the the talmidim were hanging out with some talmida's and it's terrible and and and and it's a crisis. And the Rebbe's approach was that was then up up and you can shidduch him what's now now. That if this is if it's if it's already happened with the Rebbe, don't make a crisis and call it something terrible. Use it as an opportunity and if they're compatible, make a shidduch. The same thing happened in the previous Rebbe's times in Brunoy in the early days such and such a maiseh with the with a yeshiva and it was it was wait a minute the moderators here can figure out if they publish this or not for the eternal podcast. But it's happens this is reality. Dating is about being honest as much as possible. And and there was a story that they came and holler to make the sitzung in Brunoy that they found brivlach letters going back and forth between a bachur and yeshiva and seminary in Yale. I didn't know what to do. It was such a crisis. They decided that they can't just mail a letter to the Friediker Rebbe. They're going to send a special shliach to the Friediker Rebbe that's going He was going anyway for a wedding or something. They're going to give him a personal letter. He's going to hand it to the Friediker Rebbe and I was a little bit tongue-tied. We'd throw him out of the yeshiva. We'd give him a knas or whatever. And basically the Friediker Rebbe's answer was they should get married b'shaa tovah u'metzlachas as quick as possible. Okay, this is It's called b'di eved and and and and and very fine family in Lubavitch. So, it's not a scar or something wrong. You You You were born in original sin and it's a terrible thing. When we're talking about b'di eved and today we're You know, there is a many a many a situation of b'di eved. You do the best you can. You steer it in the right direction and and you make it work. So, I can say there are terrible consequences. But, if it was not counseled and not using friends afterwards and not really analyzing and just being a premature immature falling in love, that can end up in a difficult life with a difficult relationship because if it was done If it was just left to flow I need to get married. You need to get married. We fell in love. You know, you have to be more serious about it. And b'ezras Hashem u'l'fi zman b'shaa tovah u'metzlachas. Reb Yaakov's the next question. Yeah, on chat somebody says there's a problem and that is that the girls in the profiles put economic stability as a condition. How do you respond to this? They all want the same thing today. They want that the boy should have economic stability and somebody else says how would you implement the five languages of love in dating and generally in Judaism? So, in terms of your first question, I would say, yeah, perhaps some people this is a condition for them. And okay, if this is their condition, this is their condition. But, to tell every bochur shalom to stop learning and to go get a job, I don't think that is at all appropriate. I think what many many young women want is they want a responsible person. They want a person that when the right time comes, he or she is not just going to be on the couch all day and rely on the mana that fall from heaven, but it's a person who's proactive and a person who's going to be creative and a person who's going to do their but or shalom But, a bochur who's sitting and learning and staying away in nigleh and in and in and in davening and in working on themselves and in growing as a person, saturating their days and nights with and you don't have anything that is that is greater, that is sweeter, that is more authentic. And we our entire existence is based on the that Hashem runs the world and we do what we have to do and at the right time if it's talking about a serious person. So, if it's a bochur who's just in Yeshiva again as an excuse because there's nothing else to do, you know, I'm alive because I never died, I understand the concern. But, if you're talking about and I think we all have to ask ourselves that question. You know, if you're talking about a person who's productive, but now if my productivity is expressed in then it's it's the greatest productivity in the world. It becomes the foundation for everything cuz a bochur who's really learning and really davening and really working on themselves, they make the best husbands in the world. Because what does it mean to be a good husband? To be a good husband means that you're accountable, you're authentic, you have real you have humility. You have bittul. You can transcend your own ego and create space for another person. You don't live in a shadow of self-consciousness and yeshus. So, that's the greatest the greatest hachana for marriage is to have a home where there is refinement. You want a home where there is refinement. There's eidelkeit. There's modesty. The Shechinah dwells over there. And a person who's saturated with Torah and avodah, uh the home is a beautiful home. It's an eidel home. The communication is refined. The middos are good middos. I'm talking not about just learning in an abstract way so that people could say, you know, I am a genius. I'm talking about learning in a way that we internalize it. Like the Tzemach Tzedek said, you know, "Nisht du lernst Torah, Torah lernt dich." Not only I learn Torah, the Torah lernt dich. Not only I learn Torah, the Torah taught me. That's as far as that. As terms of the five languages of love, it's a very I thought it was a very helpful model. For those who don't know, um there was an author who explained that different people need different have different love languages, right? And uh and it and when a person is married and also with your children, it's important to find out what their love language is is because you may do things that are very nice, but it's not really what they're looking for. And that's very important. This is where communication comes in. And I'm just going to say this as a yessod. You know, we often believe that a good relationship means I have to guess. I'm a novie and you're a novie. I know everything my wife is thinking. My wife knows everything I'm thinking. Are there yechidus gullah that you could finish the sentence of your wife and she could finish yours and our such yechidus gullah. But to turn that into the the normal standard of a relationship, communication, communication, communication. Tell me what you're feeling so I'll know what you're feeling. And I need to tell you what I'm feeling. And when you hear what I'm feeling, don't respond with judgment or anger. Listen. Be attentive. Make space for it just like I need to make space for what you're feeling. So, it's extremely important during dating and later, especially later, to communicate. Communicate how I'm feeling and even small things. Communication doesn't mean to talk about big grand ideas. In fact, couples that only speak about big grand ideas are such others. Uh good relationships, you talk about clinic height. You talk about small things because it's like like this is this is this. It's not how big it is. It's the good that there's a relationship. And the connection is emphasized in the smallest of things. The smallest of things could become the biggest of things. Like the album says in this true. So, the mailer, it's important to learn the other person's language. And that takes humility and it takes a lot of attentiveness. Yeah. Good. I just want to comment that uh I I don't know. Some contemporary marriage um consultants uh have different opinions about the five love languages. If it's uh just for a few years it caught on and it was as if oh, this is the night of Bible. This is the solution to all problems if you figure it out. And now people are a little bit shifting from it that uh you know, it's a good idea, but uh love language will help but there's maybe other ideas that can work as well. Just for a comment. Next question in the question and answer. Should age stop a person from starting to date? Let's say somebody is about 20, 21 even if he has all the qualifications to start. And the answer is absolutely that I'm dating. The Rebbe was very strong of the opinion that if people are ready to get married early, 20, 21, the Rebbe said many times that I'll be saying in the C and U early 20s. That was the Rebbe's lashon. The that I would obey him was to look for shidduchim in your early 20s. And they were exceptions. In other words, the other ones were exceptions. And 20, 21 is not too early if the person is mature and ready. And today it's becoming more and more common. Some people say, "Well, it's too young. You're not responsible yet." Well, obviously the question was if somebody is has the qualifications, then go for it. I wanted to say about the question if you're asked about financial stability. Um maybe some people put it on their profile and what they mean is that the person has a an understanding of responsibility not to have to live a tight and simple and good life because because many Hasidic people say, "Well, what is gelt?" What is not gelt? Without having simcha, davening, learning, what is gelt? To get a job to get 9:00 to 5:00, get paid, pay rent, and what about and and living in darkness? What's very accepted in in in in in the Lubavitch Hasidic world? But I think first of all, people, that's why they're putting it in their profile. They want someone who I don't want to say values money, that money is a priority in life, but values that that that it's important to have the drive to go get a job and pay the bills and not to have to be and have to count the pennies. Besides the point that we see that since you know, especially the late 1970s and the after the came on to Lubavitch with the is unbelievable and the says many times in the and even in the last years From on base, from on base. days and and and therefore it's but it's it's it's not that we worship money and we worship luxury and and and and you know, but it's not with all luxuries. But it means that it's a it's a priority to have enough before and not to have to struggle. So it's it's more about the what they mean is not that a person has to have financial stability before they get married, but has to be with all and drive that he's going to make sure that he's going to be and he's not going to be a schlepper and that and that the wife is going to must going to have to go work full-time and not have time to be home with the kids because he can't get his act together. Next question. Um In all fairness, I know it's not our topic tonight. I just want to make this maybe just a little bit safer that in that sicha truman and base the Rebbe did say something very very unique and that is that a Jew is connected to zahav, gold and that a Jew should have should be mishtadel to have a shidduch pshuta. The Jew should actually try to be materially wealthy. And the Rebbe said with that wealth they'll be able to do amazing incredible things including use the wealth because of to build the third Beis Hamikdash with gold. Generally, as you know the Rebbe especially in the later years you know, he he wanted everybody to develop big hasagos harchava, to think big to build and expand, you know, and change the world. The Rebbe wanted we should everybody should change the world. Everybody should maximize themselves. So, it's important to be able to think very very big, but do not it should not come from a place of insecurity. To come from a place of empowerment. To come from a place of this is what Hashem wants for me to be able to utilize my kochos and I'm going to allow myself to be a channel. But not to allow the materialism to take over my life and destroy my priorities because ultimately what you want most in a family is you want menuchas hanefesh. You want serenity, you want trust, you want a relationship. And yes, we need money. We want a hachana. We want to have dira na'a, machshava da'as. A lot of you want a nice home. You want to be able to have clothes. You want to be able to give your children what they need. But what you really want is it should all be part of the relationship. It should be part of the connection with yourself, with the other person, and with Hashem. But the next question is a little bit longer. If you want to read it, Davila. On the concept of Ezer K'negdo, the idea is that the only way that I will experience dissonance in the relationship is if I'm doing something wrong. Is that not a dangerous idea? If a person takes this too seriously, they can develop a serious self-loathing and not be able to defend themselves in an abusive relationship cuz they say, "Oh, my wife has to disagree with me as Ezer K'negdo." I know it's weird to talk this way as a guy, as a bochur, but coming from a home where my father was always treated as an inferior shmata, even in front of the kids, I am afraid that my wife is going to abuse me and I'm going to have to be quiet because Ezer K'negdo. It's a good good question. The Mendel the Vilna Gaon and the Vilna Gaon's answer. Answer the Kitzur. Okay, so very very Kitzur. Chas v'shalom to think that Ezer K'negdo means that it's a mitzvah to take abuse and that and that should you should become an inferior creature. Chas, I'm laughing out of sadness that you should feel that you you need to become an inferior creature in the house and your spouse can take advantage from you, whether it's the husband or the wife. Ezer K'negdo means something completely different. The way the Alter Rebbe explains it in Torah Or Parshas Bereishis, and also there's a beautiful commentary of the Netziv and how Maggid Dov on it in Chumash, it's the idea, the exact opposite idea. And that is when people respect each other, so then our differences of opinions don't become reasons to denigrate somebody. They become reasons and sources to appreciate each other more, to expand our horizons. The best example for this is the whole Shas, Mishnayos and Gemara. The Mishna says in Yevamos that Beis Shammai and Beis Hillel didn't stop arguing, but they never stopped respecting each other and loving each other. How amazing Masha'Allah my ha'eivu. Beis Hillel would actually give preference to the words of Beis Shammai, and that's why in the whole Mishna which was edited by Rebbe Yehudah HaNasi, who was a grandson of Hillel, he always first says divrei Beis Shammai and then divrei Beis Hillel. Why? Why are you giving the opinion stating the opinion of your opponent first? The answer is because another opinion is not seen as something that's going to crush me and denigrate me. It's really an opportunity to learn about the other person, to connect to you, to expand my horizons. That's what eizeh kenegedei means. If chas v'shalom it's being used that the husband and the wife become a shmata and your opinion is insignificant and you're always wrong, that's not a relationship that can flourish. And it's very important to be able to see what type of person it is. If it's a person who cannot respect another opinion, if it's a person who cannot make space for your emotions, remember, in marriage there's no such a thing as objective truth. In marriage there's something called subjective truth. I see life certain ways, you see life certain ways. We're not going to both be able to see everything in the same way. That's fine. We just have to be able to listen to the other person's view and respect it. Make space for it. Be empathetic towards it. Learn from it. Grow from it. Be humble about it. And sometimes it's okay to disagree as long as the disagreement doesn't become a source of mistrust and conflict. What? What are some good questions to ask while dating to really get to know someone? Um So, I want to say first of all, I'm not so sure that by asking questions you can get to know someone. Period at all. But you part of dating is to see if there's compatibility and to see if there's a match and getting to know someone is just by being present, relaxed, and spending time and talking to each other. Like I said before, Rabbi Jacobson, you know, how much are you going to get to know the person during dating? But let's talk about dating for a minute. It's It's Of course, common sense maybe is not that common anymore, but pay attention as Bachurim learning in Yeshiva and then relationships and and manners and then the Halachot and the Limud is not on the high priority list. Maybe it should be. So, when we're talking about dating, spending time with someone, be careful, be sensitive and that's perhaps how you can show yourself who you are and you can see the other person for what they are. Um There's you know, there's an attitude to have How should I be on a date? Should I be myself? Well, in Yeshiva I sit like this and that's how I do. So, maybe on the date I should just be because that's how I am and that's how I'm going to be on my couch. So, maybe on the date I should just be myself with all my glory. And of course, that's an extreme of Shiga'on. On the other hand, you don't want to put up an act, a complete act. You have to be your natural self because that's how you're going to see if you can handle each other. But if I may for 2 minutes address some Menschlichkeit issues when it comes to a date. Um Notify the Shadchan beforehand what type of place you want to go to because if it's going to be cold or not, indoor, outdoor, so the woman can dress appropriately. It's very important for women to be able to dress accordingly to where they need to be. Although to you it may be just be a one-piece suit, yes, sweater, no sweater, coat, uncoat, off, but that's not fair. Be very sensitive with time. And understand you should be on time, very important. And if not, make sure that something happens, make sure that there's a good reason, and let them know beforehand. Understand that for women, there's always last-minute delays. Know that, right? As the saying goes, when your wife says, "I'm going to be ready in 5 minutes," you can start learning Rambam, and perhaps you'll be finished three prakin, because that's sometimes 5 minutes takes 15 minutes. So, give the 2-minute break. Or if there is some people the shidduch and the shidduch the text the woman, "I'm here." Or text the shidduch, "Whatever it is, I'm here." Take your time. That's giving a little bit of sensitivity that they should feel, "Oh, I'm here." Oh, I better go and create stress. Like this, "I'm here, take your time." It's a sensitive thing. What about opening the door of the car? If you're going in a car, opening the door for the woman. So, some people say, "Ah, that's too much." It is menschlich, it's a menschlich thing. Hold the door open. If you're in the car, open the door from the inside. Want to go around from the outside, then make a whole you know, formal opening the door. But that's a nice thing to do, it's a gesture. Especially when you're walking in in the date into a building, out of a building, hold the door open. Uh I know many bachurim are inclined to let ladies first. You open the door, she should go in first. And we heard I've heard it on a Zoom from I think Mrs. Zalewski in Cleveland, that she brought her chosson, I believe. Maybe they were newlyweds or a chosson to visit the Rebbetzin Chana in 4818, and he so kindly opened up the door of the apartment and let her go in first. And the Rebbetzin Chana commented to him, "By uns, filt men zach as the man geht arayn frier." So, now there's a Lubavitch etiquette that the man enters first, even though you want to be so super kind. So, holding the door doesn't mean you don't have to enter first. Just an idea to bring, you know, it's There is a There is a concept of kosher etiquette. Um The Mendel, you know, the mice and with the Rebbe Nachman Shlita Zog. It's in the sichos. He was once in Germany with Rebbetzin with Rebbetzin Stein Assada and he went in to a sophisticated German Rabbi and the Rebbe Nachman Shlita went in first. So, this Rabbi looked at him and says, "Wo ist Damenrecht?" Which in German is what happened to women's rights? Wo ist Damen Damenrecht. Like how could you behave this way? And the Friediker Rebbe writes the zol go ain of the moyes. The Rebbe Nachman Shlita tears came down from his eyes. He felt uh Whatever you could explain it as you wish, but that's just an interesting story. I'm sorry, go ahead. I don't know. It's very good. Thank you for bringing it in. Damenrecht. Wo ist Damenrecht? Um another thing very important on dates. Show sensitivity to time. Um sometimes just at the beginning of the day you can say "I know you have work tomorrow. Is there a time when you would like to be back?" Like a heads-up. It's such a It's such a relaxer in the beginning. And yes, on the woman's speak up and uh you know what to say? You know, the truth is, "Yeah, I would like to be back by 11:00, but you know, you know, whatever goes well with you." But at least you brought There's so many things today's day and age the cloud people struggle with stress and anxiety and worry and insecurity. So, the more relaxed it can be instead of being a little yichud and a whole sheer or or or or a project, you can just be relaxed and be natural by preempting and getting rid of the stresses. Maybe she's getting tired, but she'll be uncomfortable to say, you know, I think we should go back. When it's stretching a little, you can say, "Would you like to go now or stay a little bit longer? Would you like to go back home or please let me know." That's just I know it's kind of sounds common sense, but sometimes we don't have stuff because oh, it's going good. But yeah, she'll say she'll say if she want to go back. Why not? She's an adult. A lot of guys get She doesn't want to get disappointed. So, you're the man. Take the lead and be proactive in these things and and you see the responses. You'll get to know people. And the whole it's a good idea for bachurim when you're getting ready to go on dates, as we call it today, talk to your mother, talk to your sister. If you don't have experience, it's a good idea to talk to some uh to some ladies to get some advice. What I wanted to say about this question, what are good questions to ask to get to know someone. Well, dates, I know the the the the formal dates are like questions, question questions. That's feeling like an interview. It's better if you can have the conversation flow instead of asking questions. When talking to the you know, like let the topics flow. So, it becomes just talking and that's how you can sense somebody. Pay attention. Am I comfortable? Am I relaxed with this person? Is this person making me stressed or this? And you can say, you know, uh Instead of asking, you can you can get into any conversation without the question. Tell me about your work. Tell me more. Let's talk about your family. Oh, look at the beautiful scenery out there. I love this place. Or or things like that. You can just bring the conversation flow versus question answer. It becomes silent time and nervousness. Am I asking the right questions? Am I not asking the right questions? It's easier if there's no questions and you can you can get the conversation going. I know it doesn't always work, but it's just an idea. You know, people today come from the garden game. They come with a list. We have an official game we're going to play and it's for some people it works because they have a hard time conversing, but for some people it's not needed if you can get the conversation flowing. It's That's a general idea that I I'm not going to fight with the garden game. Let the garden game talk to the garden game. And about this, but people are are into doing activities together. We're going to go bowling. We're going to go play games. We're going to go to a restaurant to eat. So, number one the biggest distraction to a good conversation is eating at a restaurant. Just know that. Think about that. Bowling, it's an activity. It's a distraction and just sitting together talking in a relaxed way to see how you are with the other person. So, sometimes it's needed, but that's like that's I don't want to say with the other. That's That's when there's an exception already. But the garden game still have to go plan activities. It's the garden game taking away from the precious time where you're just supposed to be there with the other person. To see, this is just my opinion. I don't think it has to be thought about a little bit. Okay. Maybe it's a future talk anything or the next question. Somebody asks a Mendel. He went out with a girl and they had a mutual understanding that they liked each other as friends, but it wasn't they didn't feel that it's marriage material. They went out again, but there was still no intense feelings. And they felt that it probably won't end up in marriage, but they still would like to go out again because they they appreciated each other as friends. So, he's asking after how long of not developing a more intimate feeling than friendship, does it make sense to stop going out and say, "Okay, it's not going to work." What would you answer? In other words, obviously sometimes after one, two, three times you know it's not going to work. But he says they're enjoying each other as friends. You know, just as more cerebral friends I would say, platonic friends they call it. But uh so he would like to and she would like to, but he feels that it's not going to that place of marriage. So is it worth it to continue or is it not worth it to continue? We're we're we're not into in our lifestyle as from a Hasidim, we're not into spending time with females to just to be friendly. If there's a potential to get married, metotes. If there's no potential to get married, get advice. I mean, I know the numbers have gone up tremendously. You know, five dates, 10 dates, 15, 20, 25 is today kind of still okay. You have to really ask a friend, a coach, a shadchan, a rav if you're just not wasting the other person's time. You're not wasting her time or she's not wasting your time because life is you know. But if if there's advancement and there's things going on, so you have to say how you have to try. The only reason to try again is get it off of friendship and into more intimate because sometimes it doesn't move because nobody is willing to be vulnerable. So you try, be a little more vulnerable. Talk more about something which may be uncomfortable to talk about. And she can try that. And if it doesn't go and you're sure two, three times that this is just going to be friendship, so it's it it's not fear. It's passion, not fear. And even if both agree, no, what do you mean? I'm not in a rush to get married. We'll go on another five dates. It'll help me with the dating experience. She missed my scalp. Right. Let's move on to the question and answers. What are some ways to accurately ass- access or assess? Assess, assess. I think you're trying to say assess mental health during dating process. Oh, that's an important question. So, there's things that you I think you should address also, not only how can you assess, but what if you are struggling with some mental emotional health issue, at what point if at all does it need to be shared? Right. Right. So, these are these are very very sensitive and very very serious questions. In terms of you assessing the other person's mental health, it's critical. Because if you have doubts about it and you have questions and there are red flags, you really want to investigate it more. Because it may be, by the way, that a person struggling with mental health and dealing with it is an incredible human being. I just want to say this for the record. Some people, and I know this, you know, from hundreds and hundreds of people that I have very close relationships with, in person and through correspondence, people who struggle with mental health challenges, but they take responsibility and they take accountability for it. And they work on it, they are some of the most incredible people in the world in terms of depth, in terms of MS, in terms of pnimeus, in terms of avoida, in terms of bittel, because they fight, they fight for their lives. Dr. Twerski, somebody once asked Dr. Twerski a love of Shalom, he always spoke about recovery. The guy said, "Do you really look up to addicts in recovery as much as you say? You talk about them in your lectures." He says, "You want to know? My lawyer is an addict in recovery. My accountant is an addict in recovery. My cardiologist is an addict in recovery. My barber is an addict in recovery." He says, "Those are the only ones I really trust, cuz they work on themselves." So, it's important to important to emphasize that. But, but here's the key. But, you have to know you have to know who you're dealing with. You may have a struggle and the fact that the other person has their own struggle and you can both be honest maybe an unbelievable bond, but it's important to know who the other person is. You have to take the time. Maybe you have to do some searching. You have to do some investigation. Remember, some people who are dealing with serious conditions may cover it up by dating. And Hashem, you don't want it to come out later and then you're left in a situation that you're that's very very difficult. Another important thing, when things come up, you have to deal with it in the beginning. Some people, they see things in their spouse and they wait 20 years till it gets out of order and then you have not only the original problem, you have 20 years of compounded problem with all the interest. Twice was a middle by the acre. So, it's important to deal with things after you're married in the beginning. But, I want to say generally, so it's important to assess it. It's important to ask. It's important to do investigation. You may need help from some people. You want to know about the person's midos. You want to know about the person's attitudes. It's also a chiyuv. If I'm dealing with something at some point during the dates, it's important to share now. I don't think it should be the first or the second or even the third date. There's a big posek in posek Rav Dovid Cohen. He's from the big posekim in New York. Rav Elyashiv. Machabeh Swarim. So, I heard from him that he said that, you know, maybe the fourth date later, when there's already much more and and we're talking about a misunderstanding and you want to continue, you know, the fourth or afterwards at some point to share with the person that there's a struggle because if you share before the first date, they won't want to go out with you. If you share it after the 20th date, it may be unfair to them. But, at some point where they can appreciate your value and your humanness and your mylus and then put it in context, it's important to share. Now, it's only important to share things that this I heard from some big therapist and posek who dealt with it that are going to affect the marriage. If you had an experience once and you really dealt with it, I'm not talking if you didn't deal with it. You know and God knows, so be honest. But if you really really dealt with it, it's not always a chiyuv to bring it into the dating. Not everything do you have to bring into the dating if it's not going to affect the marriage. But if it's going to define the marriage and the other person needs to know who you are, you may be an unbelievable person because of it. But I have to be able to share it. There are maybe some unique situations where you know it's really not going to affect the marriage. Okay, still get advice from somebody who who cares because you don't want to do gneivas daas, you do not to deceive another person and then afterwards it becomes so much harder. Is is is really really inappropriate. And I just want to say one more thing, you know. And then mentally you'll tell me if you agree. The myth of perfect families is gone. The only families that I know that are perfect are the families I don't know. You know, maybe there are some perfect families, two and a half of them and they live in countries or continents that I have I'm not aware of. We are all suffering, trust me, in every single family. I know no family. There's mental illness. There's depression. There's trauma. There's anxiety. There's wounds. And you know what? We always talk about this. It's not even things necessarily from our generation. We know today scientifically we carry in our genes 3,000 years of Jewish history. Letoiv ulamutiv, we carry all the emunah, all the mesirus nefesh, all the bitachon, all the resilience, all the yiras shamayim, all the middos toivus. And we also carry other things. And it's coming out in our day. So, all of us have to be humble and realize you don't want to marry a perfect person. You want to marry an accountable person. You want to You know, we don't need to be We need accountability. And that way, you know, we need to We need to become less judgmental and stigmatize people less, but we need to always remember that to do this, we all have to become part of a conversation that is much more authentic and much much more honest, where we can appreciate that we don't put people into boxes, and we understand that people go through journeys. And the critical point is, am I taking responsibility for my challenge and dealing with it? Do I have the tools and resources or not? Those are some very brief pointers that I would say to Mendel, perhaps you want to add, cuz this is a very sensitive issue. No, good good. Now, for some people who are who are faster daters and finish a shidduch in five dates, there are still some of that, some, then most probably date three is already a very serious date, then it could be a time to bring it up. Just that was my only comment. Otherwise, it's true. By the way, the same thing is with regular health issue. You have a health issue that's not a an emotional or mental issue, physical health. Also, if it's going to affect the marriage, then when it gets serious, it's time to bring it up. Reb Mendel, somebody says, "Can you address forming an emotionally romantic connection where you really, you know, become deeply emotionally connected while balancing tznius during dating?" So, that's a very good question because with frum eating, and there's no negiah, and there's no flirting, and there the simple language, and there's no overly romance and it has to be gentle and menschlich and caring. So, that you got to do. I mean, although we know when you're married, women love compliments on their shoes, on their clothing, on their makeup, on their glasses. But, the question is can a bachelor compliment a woman on a date? On her dress. This is a because it's it's it's a it's a very kind meter to do. Um in general, people the first response would be that most probably is inappropriate. But, uh so actually it's a good moment. That's just one example. But, mostly is don't try to impress. Present yourself as you are. To be honest, and other person will decide if they like it or not. Um one thing you can do um on the third date, let's say, in a second. You can send a message uh which is I have three There are three ideas where you can get into the car and you can say I have three choices where to go where to go now. A, B, or C. Why don't you make the choice? Tell her. It's a good feeling. Wow, you gave me the you know, the choice. Um address comfort level. In the car, is the temperature good? Is the air conditioner too high? Too low? That creates, you know, you're you're in a gentle way hitting emotions. You sit down, you come to the hotel, you know, the guy. You sit the car, okay, you sit down. Why don't you check in with her? Is it okay to sit here? Would you like to sit in another in another corner? You know, this is things that women are sensitive to. And it's it's important. You don't want to put her immediately into stress because if you're sitting in a woman is sitting in an uncomfortable seat because she thinks other people are looking at her or something, the whole mood is already changed and and you don't understand what happened to the date. Why is she in such a mood? Well, you could have asked and said is this comfortable, you know, or not, which is which is beautiful. Um, you know, that's that's kind of way and again, you have to be a leader, lead the conversation, lead don't say it's up to you, it's up to you, it's up to you. Some people are are so caring that they they become like overbearing caring. Are you okay? Like like a puppy, like like like like like you become like a mother. You know, you're a man, you're an elegant, caring person. Don't don't overbear. be a puppy, but you don't have to be a German Shepherd. You don't have to be a shursh unaga hisapoter. Kenzeina shur tam. Correct. You want to Why the nikes? Yeah, back to the emotional issue. You want to help uh the woman be less nervous. If you're not Before I went on a date, my older sister told me, she says, "Remember, the responsibility of starting a conversation is on the man." Called She said, "Sometimes the girl you're dating, it was a very refined woman, the woman I married. She said, she's not going to want to start the conversation. So, there's going to be an awkward silence. You have to start the conversation." Very good. Probably with some girls it's not that way, you know, they But it's important in other words, you have to be the mashpia in the sense a woman wants to be able to see your leadership, your attentiveness, your confidence, your strength, you know, your ability to be there, to be present, to take responsibility, to take initiative. Right? Right. I'm not arguing. Like Suda says, what's mashpia and mekabel? Mashpia and mekabel. What's mashpia and mekabel? It's not a regular mekabel, right? Like Suda says that the choson is a mashpia and the kallah is a mekabel. So, you're you're a mekabel, right? You It says in Suda that the madman of the choson is dirchei choson. The man, the zochor, gives the tipa, the seed of life to the nikeiva. She doesn't only receive it. After 9 months, she gives you a living child. So, she takes what you get, she takes what you give, and she completely transforms it. So, an Iyam Sias, from from a tip it becomes a living a living child. Like it says in the Torah, the earth takes a drop of rain, right? It's also the tip. It's brought in the Gias Kedish. And what does the earth gives you back? The earth gives you back vegetables and legumes and fruits and grain. Bonim Chadashim Bolakim. So, you be mashpia and don't worry, she'll take what you she'll take what you give and she'll uh So, what she makes from them shaina mesik. Exactly. You'll You'll talk for 1 minute, she'll talk for 9 10 minutes, no problem. But uh what I wanted to say also, you're talking about kind of emotional you know, if you see she's nervous, so you're nervous, clean the air. You know, say, "I can tell you're nervous or you know, I'm also nervous. We're in We're nervous together here." You know, you just put it there. It's always good to acknowledge awkwardness, to say we're awkward. We're human, we're awkward. You know, I'm feeling so nervous sitting with Rabbi Jacobson for the first time on a public Zoom. Uh with a world-class speaker and Maggid in Sherman Oaks. You know, it's So, I'm very happy when you talk more and I talk less. Nishke Maggid in Sherman Oaks? Rabbi Rashi for Sherman Oaks, but okay. Assistant Rabbi. Got to give credit. Assistant Rabbi Rashi. The bottom line the bottom line is when we acknowledge our awkwardness, it's it's it's gishmak. And you know what? It's the beauty of an airlich Yid that there is there is a natural busha by shanim rachmanim gam l'chassadim that we are shy. It's good. It's not It's not a It's not a bad thing. You know, it's when there's no boundaries, nobody is shy, you know? When you're ready at the age 13, you know everything and yeah, there's no shyness, but the fact that there's shyness, it means that there's an electricity. There's hash mala, there's something happening, there's something It's intense, it's serious, it's a serious energy. So, it's good that there's a little a little awkwardness. It means you're both human, you're both sensitive, you're both are aware that something deep is happening. There's a great potential for great things to happen, you know. Right. I think showing care, showing care could mean I didn't know I was asked this question. I'm not 100% sure if you have any questions for your partner. This season rabbi You know, you're showing care. Someone wants to stop to go to the bathroom and she can give you you can offer to hold her coat. If she's holding a thing You know, it's not us to hand each other things or to hold something for each other. That's a way to show care. It's just a technicality. Um Women that are not just out of seminary and they're already a little bit older, I don't think appreciate which camp did you go to and what job did you do with learning teacher and how do you do? You know what I mean? Just out of seminary, the people are still excited to share their high school years. But if someone is a little bit older it may come across a little nerdy. So, just say you know But not when When I was when I was dating with my wife so, on the third date it was a little quiet. I know people are surprised that I was quiet. Well, his mom was his mom was mom, I shut my mouth. Especially in the presence of people who are smarter than me. So, it was quiet. I tell uh it was then the young woman I was dating, I say you know that somebody told me a joke that this guy back he came to the Yeshiva and he said, "I never spoke to a girl. What do you do by the dates?" So, the Yeshiva said, "The first date, you talk about food. You talk about family. The second date, you talk about food. And the third date, you talk about philosophy." So, he goes out on the first date. For 2 hours, he's quiet cuz he never spoke to a girl. After 2 hours, he says "Do you have a brother?" She says, no. Okay. The date is over. The second date, he's quiet for 2 hours and then he says, Do you like spaghetti? She says no. The date is over. He spoke about food. The third date is philosophy. So, he turns to her after 2 hours he says, "If you would have had a brother, do you think he would have liked spaghetti?" This is what I tell the girl I was dating. So, she responds to me. I remember we were walking in Manhattan and she says, "You missed the end of the story." I said, "What's the end of the story?" She says, "The end of the story is they got engaged." And she got engaged to me also. I got engaged to her. When I was a bochur, remember you may remember there was a story that was circulating about a very, very chassidishe bochur who of course never spoke to uh, you know, the other gender outside of family. And he went on a date. And it was too awkward for him. So, he wasn't talking. And she tried, "Vos machst du? How are you? Where were you for the summer? Where you going for the summer? What are your hobbies? You want to go on, you know, nothing." Er hat nisht. He was He was like uh, shell-shocked. So, finally she turns to him and she says, "Efshar vilst du epes zogn a vort vos der Rebbe hot gezogt beim farbrengen?" Maybe say something that the Rebbe said at the farbrengen. And he looks at her and he says, "Der geyst noch areynshleppen dem Rebben in der?" It's a true story. Huh? It's a true story. Yeah, and they got engaged. Like my wife said, "Der geyst ihn onshleppen der Rebben into it?" So, uh While while while we have A woman once told me she married one of the older chabad chassidim and this is in the 50s they went on shlichus. Been on shlichus for six decades and uh he was very uncomfortable on the date. They went on a train, they went on a subway. So, she points to she tells me she told it to me. She's already on the other memus. She says, "I told him hechsher mitzvah is aicha mitzvah. Hechsher mitzvah is also a mitzvah. Don't get so don't get uh don't get so nervous ball. My sister told me this is back in '79 that my brother-in-law took her on the first date to Kennedy Airport. They went they walked around Imagine going on a date, they walked around Kennedy Airport in '90 '79, and she told me she made a vow in her heart, I guess a bleen eded a vow, that if he ever does this again, she will not look at him. She says, "Now we're married with 11 children later." Bli ayin hara. The bottom line is we're saying all these cute anecdotes because this is all part of the plan. And this sometimes it's difficult, especially when it ends and you have to start all over again. But, don't allow it to deter you because kacha darka shel oilam, this is all part of our our journey. And each date that doesn't work out, every no is one step closer to yes. There's a great fundraiser in Lubavitch. He's one of the best fundraisers. And he once said that he doesn't mind hearing no. You know why? Cuz one in 20 people says yes, and 19 say no. So, every no is closer to the one who's going to say yes. Spiritually also it's that way. Whenever you hear a no, it's doing something for you. It's making you grow. It's making you become aware. Don't see it as an invitation for ye'ush, chas v'shalom, and desperation. Like I heard from the Rebbe once, ye'ush is shalom u'das. When there's ye'ush, there's no das. If there's das, there's no ye'ush. Kim'nason sh'mo l'kechem eschem l'das. Every nisayon in life, every disappointment in life is there to create das, to create more depth, more authenticity, more perception, more awareness. It brings you closer to the person you're supposed to become in this world. So, it's an incredible opportunity. It may be difficult. Menashe Sham Alacha. Menashe is a nisayon and also it lifts you up. You know, when you're when you're stretching, in exercise, stretching is painful. But, you stretch, you become bigger, stronger, larger, more fluid, you know, more more flexible. Your body your rhythm flows in a more seamless fashion. The same is true emotionally, psychologically. Somebody asks a question here, "Should I go on a date with a checklist? She's this, she's not this." So, it's a good question, but generally speaking, I would say that's not the point. Yes, you want to figure out a lot of things in a date. The point is to try to experience the other person. A date is not a time to analyze. You know what you really want to try to have? You want to just try to have a good time, a meaningful, good, exciting, enjoyable experience. And and and allow that to happen. If you're so tense, okay, that that's also normal. You're human, but it's not really about analyzing the other person, cuz marriage is not about analysis. Marriage is not about living in the head. It's not a computer relationship. Marriage is about the ability to experience another person. That the energies connect. That's why the Rebbi told Reb Reb Levi Groner, "Ich kann dir nicht helfen." Not because I don't want to help you, because it's neshama to neshama. So, you want to just really be able to try to be there with the other person, experience the other person, empathize with other person, not be rigid, and be curious, be inquisitive. You know, don't don't don't put the person into a trap. Be open, listen. Be curious. Be inquisitive. And also And if something is triggering you very badly at a date, like you're like Be curious cuz that's good. That's good. The Rebbe used to say it's unbelievable. Remember Remember the Maybe you were there with the Rebbe. I think my mother was from my base. The difference of party and Sanhedrin. That the person that denies God completely and is apathetic is much worse than the person who's angry at Hashem. The Rebbe said then, "Well, I lost weight to mine." If you're getting angry the difference of a show nagach with an ace. Sometimes a person just doesn't care. I don't even get angry at you. If something is triggering you it means oh, something hit the spot. So, it's a good opportunity. You know, on dating like You know, what just happened? Did this girl remind you of somebody in your house? Did she remind you of your mother, of your father, maybe of yourself? Did she remind you of something that happened? It's It's It's It's good. It's good to be aware. Huh? Yeah, yeah. It sounds good. It's another Finish. Finish your point. Yeah, yeah. Somebody asked a question I would like you to address. How should baal teshuvah, some of us are baal teshuvah, Chabad baal teshuvah or other baal teshuvah how do we work past the rigid black and white thinking that many of us developed in order to become frum? We left our parents, we left our environments, we left our schools, and we had to learn. This is what God wants. This is what he doesn't want. This is X. This is Y. This is no. This is yes. And sometimes we get caught up in this. And how can we emancipate ourselves from this cuz we don't have that natural organic support system growing up in religious homes. That's a good question. Yes, it is. I believe it's one of the reasons we see by the Rebbe the Rebbe was not pro the baal teshuvah dropping their previous life completely. Yeah, never. Like the guy put away his guitar and he didn't use it for 10 years. Yeah. The Rebbe was not for that. Go back and finish your degree, use your talents that you have from Hashem that you already used, use it for avodas Hashem. And that's most probably in the same thing. Yes, maybe you have to take a little break or develop black and white. But but now say 1 second, I also I my social skills don't have to didn't have to go dark. Forget it. You should be able to to bring it in. I don't have any specific advice, but perhaps people that are specific mashpi'im in baal teshuvah yeshiva can address that. That midas zayin normal. Don't lose that. say that in English? Could you say that in English? You got to be normal. Don't lose that quality. You got to come with a clean car, even if you're black and white. The Rebbe just wanted you to come on the date with a clean car. You want to impress? Women notice all the details by nature, most women. They notice detail, they pay attention to details. Make sure. We also have to become aware of something, and I'm saying this to all of us, baalei teshuvah not baalei teshuvah. Sometimes our religious uh commitment is fraught and saturated with inner anxiety. In other words, my obsession with halacha and yiras shamayim doesn't have to do with a loving relationship with Hashem. It has to do with the fact that I hate myself, I hate people, I hate life, I'm stressed out, I'm always overwhelmed. And sometimes I suffer from various anguishes, and halacha becomes the outlet, and mussar becomes the outlet. And it's very very important because such a Judaism is very can be very very toxic. As the Gamara says in Taanis and Yuma Lo Zocheh Lenasos Lesam Hamoves, the holiest thing, chas veshalom, could become poison because it feeds something that's very difficult inside of me. So it's very important to be aware of this. Somebody asks a question here. He says, "I am a very anxious person. I suffer from a lot of anxiety. I don't know how to let go. I am always self-conscious. I'm always thinking about what other people think about me. When I do it on dates, also, what am I supposed to do?" The Mendel. A bochur says he's full of anxiety. To get out. First of all, welcome to the club. You're not You're not uh Is Nishke Ben Yochai Did ever said about the pinyon carved that Ben Yochai from time to time and that everyone came in Friday morning to Yeshiva and the boys were up a whole night, so there was only the pinyon learning, right? So, that's what they used to say when I was a bochur. So, it was the Ben Yochai from time to time and that The Ben Yochai has only one child. Yeah, but there's nothing wrong, by the way, like middle-aged bochurim need to start doing exercise because otherwise you can get sick and crazy. Uh if you feel anxiety, learn some relaxation skills. Like natural ones, not yoga with meditations, but simple things. Talk to a people that teach sports. Talk to people that teach speak speakers. There there there's books out there, little books. Uh things. There's breathing exercises, body position exercises. Spend 5 minutes and think, "What am I grateful for right now from the English stuff?" Baruch Hashem. If there is something that you feel that's not controllable, first of all, bring it up on the date. If you're going already, say, "You know, I I feel anxious a lot. Do you notice that I'm angry? That I'm Sorry, that I'm anxious. And maybe maybe over killing it. Maybe you're not such a terrible anxiety. You're just angry that that you're too anxious. That could also be. But bottom line, there's nothing wrong to ask for help. Momma said that. There's also many many levels of anxiety. In other words, there's anxiety that maybe real. But it's not it can be dealt with in pretty simple ways. You know, maybe exercise some exercise every day. For an hour or a half an hour or some intense exercise can really really be helpful for you. The way you eat. Sometimes maybe the anxiety is deeper. And you may need more sophisticated help. Maybe there's something stuck inside your system. And that's fine. Open yourself up. There's good people out there and there's a lot of a lot of healing available today. So many so many different ways. So really don't be vulnerable. You know, be vulnerable and you want to talk to people who are experts in this field. Somebody asks a question that Mendel I want to go on another date. I liked it. The girl says not nothing is happening. She doesn't want to continue. But I really want to continue. What What am I supposed to do? Do I just say forget it? Or do I try to convince her? It's a practical question. I would say very practical. If you could convince her, of course convince her. If this is something you feel there's great potential there, of course do whatever you got to do. You know, maybe tell her give her give let's try once more. If you feel of course. If she says no, she says no. That's her. That's her. You know, you have to respect boundaries. You do what you got to do and she'll do what she got to do. Do and if you if you have that ability to convince, you know, maybe you could send a note or send something that will stimulate her in an in an interesting way. Abracadabra. Somebody says, "I want to cut off the dating. Can I do it by text?" What do you say? I If If you went out once or twice, maybe three times, you could tell the shadchan. But if you went out a lot of times, I don't think it's respectful. I don't think it's respectful. If you went out six, seven, eight, especially nine, 10 times, and you put in so many hours, and she put in so many hours, I don't think it's respectful to send a text or a WhatsApp and say it's not going to work out. I I I feel unless it was a whole time in a very distanced way. But if you really got closer, and she thought there's a lot of potential here, and you for whatever reason feel it's not appropriate, I think she and you deserve maybe a short conversation, but Kibboy like half alte. Yes. Where you took it in, huh? You agree? Absolutely agree. It's called respect. What is the best respectful, sensitive way? Respectful, yeah. That long term the other person. Yeah, remember she spent two months with you, and she gave up nights, and you gave up nights. I can't just send a text it's over. It's It's It's not covered habriyos, even a regular person. Call shidduchin a person who you and she invested so much time in. It's panim el panim. You sit down, you go out, maybe for half an hour. And you just say, you know, in a very sensitive way. I want to adjust. Huh? I I thought you finished. Sorry, you didn't. Yeah, no, just in a very sensitive way to be able to say, you know, I really feel that this is not going to work in terms of marriage, and I just want to tell you something. A boy asked A boy turned to me and he says, "I can't stop the dating cuz I have rachmanus on her. She loves me, and she's going to cry for six months." So, I told him I told him I see somebody asked a question here. So, I told him maybe you have something to add. I said you think this is called rachmanus? You think rachmanus for her is that she should marry somebody who's marrying her because she's a rachmanus case? That's called love? Don't you think she deserves a guy who's crazy about her? Don't you think she deserves a guy who thinks she's the greatest woman in the world? You're not having rachmanus on her by turning her into a rachmanus case. The fact that you're not my shidduch doesn't mean you're a bad person. The fact that I'm not your shidduch doesn't make you a bad person. A toaster oven is a wonderful thing. We use it in our house, but you don't use a toaster oven, yeah, to make chicken soup. Not because it's bad, because it's a toaster oven. It's not made for chicken soup. I have to forgive forgive my stupid moshol. Every every Indian has every person has his or her shlichus, and it's not a bad thing. So, we have to remember that. So, yes, it may be painful and disappointing, but do it with sensitivity, do it with respect. I want to hear what you have to say. Also, somebody asked a question. If she ends it or I end it, do does the other person deserve to hear the real reasons why we ended it why ended it? That's a very good question. B'chlal even if you know it's not going to continue, it's always good to stress the other person's ma'alos. Make her feel good about herself. Say, I enjoyed speaking to you. You have excellent qualities. By the way, even if you are continuing, it's good to give feedback. Someone says something about themselves, say, I appreciate that quality. It's very important to me or I enjoyed the the speaking to you or whatever it is. And even if you end it, you can also tell them that they're a special person, and I'm sure whoever they'll find and marry them will be you know, they'll they'll be very lucky to have them. Whatever it is. That's just a you know, a respectful way. But, um You definitely have to be careful to, if if you're going to end it, to end it in a very respectful way. Because the person has to know the real reason. It depends. Um, if it can be if you can say it in a respectful way, and the other person can learn something from it, and you feel they're capable for it, then yes. If not, um, the other person maybe can deserve it in an indirect way. A family member, a friend, why you felt it wasn't. Because otherwise you may leave a person in doubt, and that's not good today. Self-doubt about themselves. And you might think the person will be feeling down, that oh, I didn't, you know, he thinks bad about me. I'm not good-looking. Why should you make a person go away with such with such status? You have to It's is up with a good shatzan to figure out what's the best way to give the message. Absolutely. I want to just conclude one more detail. just say I I Can I just add something to that? You know, if if if you respect the other person, and you spent a lot of time with them, I'm thinking about myself. I would appreciate to work on myself. If you know that this is a girl, or this is a boy, who's really wants to work on themselves, it's not a bad thing to tell somebody, or give a message in a very kind and respectful way. That maybe I could learn from it. Again, I'm not talking about shalom to embarrass or humiliate or demonize, but either directly or indirectly, if it's done in a right way, it's an opportunity for growth. And I think when we hear something about ourselves that can help us grow, it's a gift. So, don't run away from it necessarily. in that way, for sure. If if she said no, beg for the reason. Ask for the feedback. You'll grow from it. The more you will get, the more you learn about yourself. I was saying the other way around, if you are ending it, is it fair to tell her the full truth? Right. careful. Do it in the most sensitive way. Always in a sense Always in a sensitive respectful way, but if you can, it's good. You know, don't don't treat somebody like as though they're a child that can't hear anything. You know, if you're talking about a mature person I did not but we grow We don't grow from compliments. We We We grow from people who challenge us, people who stimulate us, you know, people who point out things to us that we're uncomfortable with. But being in my comfort zone is not going to help me. It's nice, but it's not going to help me. I forgot who said who's the marker for this right. A good friend accepts you the way you are. A great friend tries to make you better. You wanted to add one more detail. No, what I wanted to add about people asked before and it addresses to a question, how can I find out so much about a person when we have so so few dates? We don't date for 6 months or a year. It's not so acceptable. So, how do I How can I get all the qualities of a person that you mentioned in such a short time? You have to think about what to talk about. Talk about family. Talk about their relationships with their parents. It's a little vulnerable, but if you're comfortable to get there, second, third, fourth, who they look up to, who who are their friends, what they like in their friends, who which rabbis or teachers they respect, what's their relationship, who are they closer to, who do they like spending time more with other siblings and why. These are These are conversations where you can get a taste of what the person appreciates and what they're like and what they like doing and if they're shallow or deeper. Someone asked the question, do we both have to be on the same intelligence level? No. Doesn't have to be that. I mean, it can't be completely because uh you know, then you If If If If you don't feel like you're not living in the schedule where you're out all day from morning to night, from Sunday to Shabbos making a and only together Shabbos is spending time together. So, there got to be some type of, you know, compatibility. But, if you're a brilliant guy, you don't have to marry a brilliant genius. Love that. Listen, we're going to take a break now and we're going to resume this next Wednesday, base of Hashem, 9:45 p.m. There's still around it looks like 30 questions that we didn't address. More. More? Okay. I see 30, but I guess yeah, I see there's much Oh, wow. Okay, 69 questions that we didn't address. Sorry. So, it's amazing questions. Somebody says, "I'm watching websites that I don't want to say what type of websites they are. Can I still date? I have a serious problem." How how a person says, "How do I balance my seichel and my middos?" Another person says, "I don't know if I'm a chassidishe bochur if I'm not a chassidishe bochur. I don't know if I'm completely frum. I'm not completely frum. I'm a confused person. Am I allowed to date? I don't know my priorities." Another person says, "I'm struggling with so many things in my own family. Can I date?" Hey, these are all These are all incredible incredible questions. We're copying and pasting these questions so that me and Rabbi Lipsker can address them. And there's another 70 questions I see that came in. So, everybody is invited. Please share it with your friends. This will be available to watch later. You could watch it as a You could hear it as a podcast. You could watch it on the yeshiva.net. You could watch it on my YouTube channel. Uh it's on COL and the other websites that posted it. So, you'll be able to hear it and watch it if you wish. And please pass it on to those you feel could be helpful for. And part two will be next Wednesday, 9:45 p.m. That's in 1 week with myself and Reb Mendel, base of Hashem, bli neder. In the meantime, we wish you all an incredible week and tremendous hatslacha with simcha and menuchas hanefesh and menuchas haguf. Amen. Thank you very much. And always an extra capital till then for a friend will help us as well. And emunah and bitachon and connecting to the Hashem, Hashem will help everyone find a shidduch. There was once an alter bachur that told the rebbe bachur bracha of krias Yam Suf. So the rebbe said, "Ke krias Yam Suf." It's not krias Yam Suf. It's not The Hashem will make it happen easily and swiftly for everyone who needs. B'simcha u'vetuv levav. Thank you again. Amen. Amen. So like k'krias Yam Suf for everyone. Amen.