"My Husband Called Me Spoiled" - Talkshow on Marriage Makeover #2

the yeshiva.net hi everybody this is so exciting we have so many but start typing everybody because we want your questions now we've got rabbi rabbi thank you so much for coming back on our show we're very grateful to you rabbi why why jacobson and he is a legend and he is speaks to all uh six continents in 50 states he's been everywhere he's all over the place you know him and if you're here at part one you are sitting on the edge of your seat waiting to hear more practical tips and i'm going to start with a pretty heavy one rabbi i hope that's okay um i have a woman who we've got so much email i'm going to start with a really heavy one a woman said that she wants to do a marriage makeover but her issue is that she her husband said something to her a few years ago that caused you so much pain and she's having trouble forgiving and getting over it and starting a marriage makeover when she's just bearing the scrudge and he said he's sorry ten times and i'll tell you what the story was basically from my understanding what she said she said he her husband had been engaged before and broke it off then he met her and got married and he said to her you know i was marrying her because she was pretty but i married you for your neshomer for your soul and the wife is like okay so she said even though i told him how much it hurt me like he you know like i think what he was trying to do is explain he he was just caught up in her superficiality and that's why he was engaged before but her he's marrying her for her deep soul but she felt very hurt by that and continues to feel less than and hurt by that so i wanted how can she have a marriage makeover when she's carrying the burden of not being able to forgive her husband for such a thing listen first of all you know i i i am sorry for the pain such a comment can be perceived as a very painful comment um you know as you just explained like the first one was beautiful and on me you know i just have some good values inside and you like my personality but i really really think you know we're all human and the basis of a marriage the basis of a relationship is the fact that we're vulnerable we sometimes say the wrong things we don't realize how the other person experiences our words or perceives it and in this case you know if your husband apologized i think without forgiveness we can't build relationships because we all make mistakes on both sides men make mistakes that's for sure i can tell you from experience and sometimes even a woman can make a mistake and i think the fact that you know we can be vulnerable about it and take accountability and apologize is really the basis of a relationship so i think you know your husband apologized apparently a few times so even though it was hurtful i think it's important for you to do two things first of all you could communicate to him in an appropriate way why it's hard for you to over to get over this because of that how it hurt you and maybe there's also some internal things that you could look at you know if he really apologized and he was genuine why does it still sit in you maybe there's something about you that you can also take responsibility for it like what is the triggering inside of you is it maybe a comment that somebody in your family made when you were nine years old that's really coming back in other words yes he is responsible for his comment but ask yourself also we should all ask ourselves this question what is sitting in me that keeps on triggering this pain and doesn't allow me to get over it and that can perhaps help as well that can perhaps help as well but bottom line i think we all owe it to ourselves and to our loved ones to be able to practice the art of forgiveness the art of forgiveness does not mean that things don't hurt the art of forgiveness just means they hurt but i am powerful enough to be able to forgive and i want to invest my future in closeness not an estrangement and that's where forgiveness comes from it comes from realizing that you are powerful enough i am not a victim i don't have to live forever in a world of resentment my soul is large enough to be able to contain my pain so i could forgive i am not a victim and number two i want to choose a path of closeness not a path of estrangement so it's so good but it and that's it's a great you know i can imagine in your head you know she can work work that out now she's listening to you she's got strength and she's like okay you know yep i can do this you know and then in the heart of the moment she's all dressed ready to go to simple if anyone's going to get simple and covet whatever but anyway she's going ready to go out and he doesn't comment like oh you look nice right so she's again she replays in her ma not mind this resentment of oh cause i'm not as pretty as xyz you know as that your previous uh engagement so right how does in the moment what right what tool so you know every every every man is different and sometimes you know we make a mistake as couples of thinking that if i have a good marriage he would know exactly what i need at this moment or she would know exactly what i need at this moment and i'm sure there are some couples like that but it's really unfair and unjust to define your marriage by that we often do not get each other completely and you know what that's part of the beauty of marriage there's a mystery there's the unknown the moment i know everything about my wife or she knows everything it's about me it's it's there's something wrong there there's an element of mystery it's part of how halacha even orchestrates a marriage there's the closeness and there's a distance it's not just physical it's also emotional there's an element which is unknown and therefore part of a good marriage is actually sharing what you need at this moment what would be meaningful for you at this moment and not feel oh he should have known she should have known and if not it's not a good marriage it's a wonderful marriage communicate part of the trust of a marriage and part of the vulnerability of a marriage is that you can trust me and i can trust you to share what is necessary for you emotionally at this moment without feeling that you might get betrayed or you might be too vulnerable i'm going to manipulate your vulnerability then there are bigger problems so yes if there's something that is triggering an old memory you should be able hopefully to communicate that in respectful ways to your husband he should be able to listen to it and together you should be able to create a plan forward of when these triggers will come up again and again there's nothing wrong with a husband telling a wife or wife telling her husband you know when this situation comes up and you respond xyz or you don't respond xyz there is a trigger in me that is very difficult and a loving couple that is committed to a relationship will respond with compassion and kindness and it goes both ways and the more we do this the more we eliminate all of those toxic forces that can get in between us it's fantastic and for practical just so you know when and if the lady i'm sure the woman who's who asked this question is watching but for everybody else what that means is in the moment when you're sitting there you're all dressed up and he's not saying anything and you're triggered and you're upset because he's not telling you at that moment what rabbi is saying you say you know i could really use a compliment on my outfit right now you know or even saying that you know um uh when when you're thinking of what you want him to say say you know listen i know you apologize about that comment you made seven years ago or 17 years ago i don't know what it is you know and i know you apologize you know what i think i need i need you to tip the balance it made me feel so badly i want you to tip the balance the other way you need to compliment me every day or every week or whatever like you know give him the tools to make you happy so and i would also say it's helpful for all of us not always to second-guess our spouse we often allow our brains to second guess to speculate i know what he's thinking i know what he's not thinking he doesn't appreciate me he appreciates this one he said this we make all of these complicated calculations that are often coming from the fact that we're projecting our own traumas and fears and insecurities in the other person you have to know every person is their own universe and they live in their own universe it's so important to communicate like i shouldn't be second-guessing my spouse i don't know what she's thinking i don't know what he's thinking maybe he's just you know thinking about some business meeting he had today that was very overwhelming and stressful i don't know that's why it's so important to be able to get feedback and say so what are you thinking about now which also is you know i often get questions you know my husband made a comment yesterday we went to his parents house for a shabbos meal and he made a comment to his mother it was so obnoxious it was so rude or the other way we went to her mother's house and she made a comment about me or my parents house whatever it is and you know let me tell you what happens in a bad marriage what happens in a good marriage in a bad marriage he comes to her she comes and says why would you say such a thing about me why why how could you be so cruel and narcissistic and selfish you know what your mother does with this she goes to her assistant she goes to bed it's a third world war in our family it's almost a trump and biden situation in a good marriage you also feel the pain but instead of acute accusations you ask a question as a curiosity as something that you're wondering about with curiosity genuine curiosity like why did you make that comment yesterday at the meal what did you mean by that and you may hear interesting things that can really eliminate a lot of the negative emotions be curious rather than accusatory be careful with an extrusion that's awesome okay i know they're like funny yeah it's so funny because this is what you have that whole chapter in your book i don't remember which chapter maybe seven on soliciting appreciation that you really can get your husband to know to say things to you by you like the ventriloquist for example or like what i do which is i come down and my husband doesn't notice or comment i'll be like hello don't i look amazing i look so good you are so lucky to be going out with this woman right here because she looks so good so like you really you taught us it you can get the comments without having to you know without expecting your husband to give you the comments right and also rabbi you one of the things we talk about very deeply is women say well if i had to solicit the comment and you know then it doesn't it's not worth anything no it's not worth as much as a genuine compliment that comes out of whatever but it's better to get a b minus or a b plus complement that you had to solicit then an a plus comment maybe you'll come once a month or once a year so that's our whole thing is in terms of having your husband know just as rabbi saying to solicit that what you need in the moment and there's that's part of our job that's our abode of being a wife yeah and i would also add i would not call it disingenuine i would not call it this and genuine you know let's say i go to a therapist because i'm having an issue with a child of mine and the therapist explains to me that this is what my child needs for me i didn't know it before when i provide that need i'm not being disingenuous i was just educated sometimes i have to educate my friend my spouse or somebody else in the family that this is what i need this is meaningful to me they weren't being disingenuous they just didn't know they don't know we see we each have different we're married but we're not the same people husbands and wives see many things differently they're different they're opposite genders they have different personalities they're distinct individuals and it should be that way that's the beauty of a relationship we bring together two distinct people to create harmony and to create a beautiful home and family together baser hashem so the fact that you are sharing with him what your needs are don't and then he does it it doesn't mean he was disingenuous he could be very very genuine but people cannot be expected to always or even often know exactly what is happening in another person's mind another person's heart even after 20 years of a decent marriage don't feel bad about it it's fantastic okay we have couples okay yeah so we have a fake we have a couple questions but i'm just going to start with this facebook question because they're on the line right now and i'm sure they want to hear the answer um what if her husband helps and does the wife a favor and she doesn't thank him for helping and he's mad that she doesn't appreciate him and he calls her spoiled how does the wife handle that it's a great question and it's very obvious that there are two things happening simultaneously on one hand he is now somewhat of an eight-year-old she has triggered some deep pain in him he feels used manipulated not appreciated not validated when he's saying the word spoiled what he's really saying is i am searching to be so much closer to you i wish you would be able to fill my voids more i wish you would be able to know how much it would mean to me if you would say thank you for being here in the kitchen for 45 minutes and helping me sweep and mop and put away the dishes and put them into the dishwasher and put away the food and clean up after shabbos i wish you would do that unfortunately he's not articulating it in that way he's calling her spoiled so two things happen number one he said something that was hurtful to his wife for which he has to apologize number two she is just hearing the word he called me spoiled she's not hearing the pain behind that word and this is where inner communication and trust is so important imagine if he would be able to tell her honey or my dear wife i called you spoiled and i'm sorry what i really meant was it's so important for me it would mean so much to me if when i'm here cleaning in the kitchen you would show and tell me it means a lot to you thank you and then the woman could say to him and it would mean so much to me if you would say or do so and so now she might feel excuse me why shouldn't you be in the kitchen what i'm the slave in the house what i have the babies i raise the kids i have to slave away in the kitchen and you're allowed to be in your office whenever you want on your whatsapps checking the election results and then you come to the kitchen and you're doing me a big favor what you're a narcissist you're spoiled you're a brat your mother never raised you you see where these conversations are going now this happens in our heads this all happens in our heads but instead of being accusatory let's talk every one of us let's talk about our own pain so imagine he can talk about the fact that he doesn't feel appreciated she can talk about the fact that she feels that he feels that she is the only one supposed to be in the kitchen and when he comes to the kitchen it's like he's a martyr he just went on a serious nephesh she should be indebted to him for all of eternity till after the messiah arrives this is an inner pain that we're itch feeling if i could communicate that to my spouse my spouse could communicate that to me then we realized that behind the word spoiled there was really a lot a lot of emotion and a lot a lot of pain and when we could connect on that level of pain rather than just hurling insults on each other we bring the relationship cl we create closeness and that which caused us to drift away actually becomes the impetus for deeper communication for a deeper relationship and that's why we have to start learning to communicate don't allow hurtful words to eclipse your inner pain let me tell you something anger is a secondary emotion 95 percent of the time it covers up on more essential emotion which is loneliness pain that's what i want to address it's easy to become angry at my husband or angry at my wife and start saying you're a diss you're a dad you're a doctor or that okay i'll have to apologize but what's even more hurtful is we're not being honest i'm not addressing my pain and loneliness i said the word spoiled because something was triggered deep inside of me can i go there and really address it and turn to you and say you know this is what's happening this is what i need and this is what's hurting me so much it's beautiful the woman okay oh i'm sorry just well okay sorry just tell her when you go and try what rabbi is saying do me a favor send us an email and let us know how it goes because wow okay sorry yeah no she just responded back that's why we're gonna refer to it she responded back to what um something they ran rabbi yyjacobson just said she said but what if he uses other names as well like spoiled is one thing but he's also calling her lazy and stupid ouch yeah so number one it's painful when somebody calls me spoiled lazy and stupid especially not just somebody but somebody who's supposed to be the closest to me it's hurtful so i have to acknowledge the pain i have to acknowledge the pain and it's very easy at this point to drift away and to say to myself i don't know why i married this guy i never want to speak to him again his selfishness and husband knows no bounds look what i do for him day and night day and night day and night i do everything for him and all he could say about me is that i'm lazy and i'm spoiled and i'm bratty you know does he know how hard i work does he know that i'm up you know all these types of things come to us and therefore the conclusion is the guy has narcissistic personality disorder or he's just impossible and i drift away and i go into my own environment and he goes into his own environment we ignore each other and it can last for a day it can last for two days and it can last for 10 years even if we communicate but there's uh something got eroded in the relationship so i say it's it's hurtful and it's painful and at that moment you may not be able to speak you just want to be able to create space for the pain and respect for the fact that you just heard something that was very painful i'm spoiled i'm lazy i'm careless whatever the whatever the title was or even you know more obnoxious create space for it respect it allow it to live and contain it but don't let it take over your life don't let that painful experience turn into the force that now dominates the marriage and all the decisions for the next week are going to come from that place rather contain it and now ask yourself one question what do i want to do going forward do i want to have a closer relationship or do i want to get a divorce and run away from this person forever in most cases the answer is i want to heal this relationship so now i have to ask myself and i can't always do it at the moment it's too painful how do we try to heal and the way to do that is be able to talk to my husband and to be able to say i just want to say those words were very painful to me they were painful they were very very hurting because i don't see myself as spoiled i don't see myself as lazy at all i'm not a perfect person but that was very hurtful very hurtful and i want to assume i want to assume and know he was hurting and he used those words which were very inappropriate and you should apologize it's very important to apologize but as i said i assume that in most cases those words were eclipsing his own inner pain and i want to be able to create a space that he can trust me and i can trust him with sharing what really is going on inside and you will not learn if he is open and vulnerable that something was triggered inside of him and it may be sitting in him and it's very hurtful for him and it's hurtful for me and when we could communicate on that level when i can discuss what is hurting me in this relationship what do i feel i'm not getting from my husband my husband could talk about what he feels he's not getting from his wife now we don't have to resort to anger because we identify the real emotions rather than the cover-up emotions and we can apologize he can apologize in this case and learn to forgive and actually this will make us a closer couple and a better marriage here is the rule whenever a couple takes something that caused them to drift away and uses that as an impetus to become closer they have now taken their weakest link and turned it into their most powerful link whenever we strengthen our marriage in those areas that are most painful we create the most powerful marriage because we're transforming the very negativity into positivity and there's no light like the light that transforms darkness so whenever i can go back to that place where he called me names or she called me names or we called each other names and we can identify our vulnerable void and pain and then we can be here for each other in that space omg you have now just created very powerful positive energy in your marriage that really allows you to withstand a lot of difficulties so it it it's this is so endless and so powerful the pro the issue i'm grappling with is that takes a lot of skills to do what you're saying i mean is that what you need a third party for that or i mean in other words is there like a step you need you need a third party if this is not practiced regularly and if there is a fundamental lack of trust then you're going to need a third party because there's too much if this is happening constantly if every massage shabbos there's another fight if every friday afternoon there's a huge fight with insults i'm not talking about disagreements a jewish couple has disagreements i'm not talking about the small fights that's that's what i'm talking about if this is constantly going on with name calling and insulting and just drifting away from each other and having these fights and ignoring and you know for a day and two days she doesn't speak to me he doesn't speak to me and and so on and so forth then there is toxicity in the home you probably need a lot of work and you probably need a third party to be able to help you deal with this but if you have been practicing these types of communication and if there is fundamental trust then you often don't need a third party then you have to go on a walk or order some sushi and put away the phones and just have a heart-to-heart conversation you know there are the five love languages there are love languages that he probably yearns and he's not getting or there are love language that she earns and she's not getting and when you could start communicating on that level instead of the insult spoiled lazy bratty obnoxious rude a user no no no what what are you feeling my dear husband talk about your feelings what happened in the kitchen you swept you washed the dishes and your wife didn't say anything i want to know what happened in your heart what happened and i could get i'm not a prophet but i could say that in many many situations what happened was he became a nine-year-old at that moment something was triggered from childhood a very deep pain a very deep sensitivity where again i put myself out there and i'm being smacked in the face and it's built up in a way that his wife doesn't even know she doesn't even know because probably you know why she didn't say thank you because because she does this every night nobody says her thank you she doesn't even know she doesn't she didn't even maybe i don't know i don't know but it's very possible so imagine if they could communicate on this level right and they could see he could see that she's not being selfish and she can see that he's having a pain that has to be addressed and they can be here for each other that's magic fantastic okay go ahead with the other one i've got to go don't give up don't give up um of course because i know some of you may be listening and saying rabbi why why you're you're a helpless romantic this is not how it works we get into fights constantly we take it seriously but i'm saying that if you have two mature people i know you need two mature people for this and you need two fundamentally healthy people as i said in last session and this and i don't have to elaborate on it sometimes there's an issue of personality disorder mental illness and deep deep trauma but when you're talking about a fundamentally healthy person and i know none of us are completely healthy we all have mishagasa but generally two mature people who can talk about their issues without killing each other these conversations are crucial this these are these vulnerable simple and may i say sometimes very childlike conversations are what heal our deepest voids in a marriage it's crucial gorgeous gorgeous question for you because i get this question a lot which is people who have you know some kind of dysfunction maybe mental illness you know on either side or whatever they have and they say is our leia for me as well and the answer i give them is of course like it didn't say when our missouri came from har sinai it didn't you know they didn't say okay here's how to have a shalom bias here's exactly what you need to do and then with a little asterisk and at the bottom unless you are are not normal you know or unless you're dysfunctional i once gave a class ass and everyone who has dysfunctional childhood raise your hand and everyone's kind of like you know everybody you know what i say so what's normal so our mesura is for all you it's for all for everybody every person uh that armasora will take care of them so there are exceptions of where you might need a third party but and and also a a robertson very very uh robertson uh debbie fox uh who's a genius in terms of um uh of uh of um uh uh if she's a doctor of uh i think psychology but anyway she said that it's very crucial some if you if a woman is being the receiver and you're teaching her how to receive and how to you know um from armasura and she's an abusive situation it could make things worse so there's a fine line between where i'm asura you follow it to a t and every you know dot every eye and there's a a um there's then there's a fine line where you come into i guess mental health issues or certain extenuating circumstances does ravi can you shed some light on this for us because it's uh it's a yeah of course very very important question i think there is a fundamental difference about the situation had a telephone uh conversation a zoo a conference call two nights ago with approximately 20 women who are all in a marriage with somebody who's suffering from mental illness so i spoke to them and there were a lot of questions and answers and it was very obvious that you have two different streams you have somebody who's suffering from mental illness or personality disorder or a very deep trauma maybe they were molested as a child or they went through some other very difficult situation that really gets stuck in the body you know the body holds the score as they say today famously so the trauma could sit in our body and it really creates blockages and these people can't function so sometimes you have a situation where a person is ready to take responsibility where a person could say i need help i have borderline personality i have narcissistic personality disorder order i am manic depressive i have bipolar i have psychosis i'm schizophrenic whatever it is very very painful very painful i am living in i have depression i have serious depression maybe clinical depression i am i am a traumatized person from a certain type of upbringing or experiences that i had and it's about me i am in terrible terrible pain and when my wife says x y and z i go crazy i have a meltdown it has nothing to do with her it has to do with my own illness and i need to get help and when a person can take responsibility for that then there is a lot of hope because then i could take the medication i need or live the lifestyle i need the medications the vitamins the exercise the diets the work schedule the routine because all of the you know a holistic perspective is important not just meds because we are holistic people we're not just compartmentalized people then it's a game changer if the person is ready to take responsibility and stop blaming their spouse for everything that's the for everything that's problematic in their life because they can attribute it to their own challenges and they need a lot of support and we should support them we should love them we should give them the physique that they need but the responsibility the buck stops here don't blame your wife for your mental illness if that step has not been taken if the person is in denial as i say denial is not only a river in egypt it's part of people's lives and therefore as the famous title walking on eggshells basically you have to walk on eggshells in front of your husband whatever you say is not good whatever you do is not good nothing he can try everything or you can try everything works both ways depends who has the illness and nothing is good enough now we're dealing with a very very difficult situation that you have to acknowledge because here you can do everything and it's not going to help because there is fundamentally something broken inside of him or inside of her and if he's not ready or she's not ready to take any responsibility now you have to make a very serious choice and you need a lot of support for this choice and the choice you have to make are is this follows what are the pros to remain in this relationship what are the pros what are the cons do the pros outweigh the cons in other words there is pain here and it's very difficult pain and it's not going away tomorrow or after marcus this guy is completely in denial now it's your responsibility and very painful responsibility to ask yourself can i survive in this relationship will i become a doormat will i become an abused mata will i lose my soul and lose my life or no i can handle this could a woman should a woman be um following the misura from harsinai to in the relationship in that in that to her to her husband in other words she should be doing should she be the receiver should she be doing all the things that we teach in our mesura of how to be a wife i think that part of the messiah part of the messiah is that whenever i'm in a relationship i have to be able to protect my boundaries and i have to be able to protect my children's boundaries and i cannot become a sacrifice on the altar of somebody else's abuse and illness that is part of our messiah our messiah teaches as the rambam says the says the gomorrah says in yavamas the sages have commanded us this is a tradition of millennia every human being must love his spouse his wife like himself and he must respect his wife more than he respects himself that's directly out of our messiah he has to love his wife like he loves himself and he has to respect his wife more than he respects himself that's a fascinating fascinating statement that was not written 50 years ago it was written thousands of years ago and what we learned from this is if that is missing it's very hard for a woman to be able to function and to function as a normal person so part of our messiah is that we have to be able to protect our boundaries and our dignity not because we're selfish but simply because that's the only way in which i could fulfill my mission in life in which i can be a person a jew a woman a wife a mother a friend a spouse etc so part of our missouri is always making sure that boundaries are not crossed in a way that one person really becomes just a doormat and an an and a smarter and and could be terribly terribly abused and manipulated on the other hand our missouri teachers that we should never allow ego to get involved in others i should not be making decisions from my ego which is making decisions from weakness i want to make decisions from my deepest core which is divine every human being at their core is a you're a piece of hashem and therefore at your core you're invincible you're wholesome you're confident you're powerful you're full of possibility joy optimism because you're an ambassador of hashem in this world i want to make decisions from that space i don't want to make decisions from my weakest space i want to make decisions for my most powerful godly and sacred space which never has to resort to fear insecurity manipulation and superficiality to be able to feel confident so for for anybody who is questioning whether which category they fit if they're if they've got issues or not this is something to go speak to a rabbi a rabbitson a clergy person and to to a therapist to find out and get a third party involved to see and important important as i mentioned those in the first session that you're talking to somebody who's an expert in this field just like if there's a heart problem you don't go to a dentist dentists are wonderful people but you have to go to a cardiologist and conversely if i have pain in my tooth i don't go to the greatest neuroscientist in harvard university not because he's not a great neuroscientist but because i need a i need a filling in my tooth so you really have to go to somebody who's who's sensitive and who's empathetic it's very important as i mentioned this i think i said it last time be an educated consumer don't just surrender your fate to a third party and he or she will decide everything for you that's not how life works you have to i have to take responsibility for my life we want to get advice from people but you want to make sure that that advice resonates with you and you can't always follow things blindly when you're sensing that there's something destructive happening okay we have so many questions coming out okay yeah so now so firstly um from torah anytime's facebook um stacy button said back to that um soliciting appreciation or telling your husband you look pretty she said there's something also that when a woman feels comfortable to share that hey i look great today what are your thoughts her husband then looks at his wife with pride there's a confident wife which then reflects and sinks in plant the seed and watch it grow that's awesome yeah isn't it awesome yes so don't worry about feeling confidence and complimenting yourself because that works okay so the question next question that came in also a little bit heavy i'm gonna break it down in twos um so basically the first part is this woman writes i feel very confused and deflated upset about my relationship with my husband i have listened i just listened this was from she had watched last show and i'm happy that there'll be a part two because i would love it if something could be clarified rabbi why why it talks about a spouse was a lot of anxiety trauma and suffering what you just spoke about i am that person yes i probably do bring it on myself and a lot is in my head but it's still very real suffering which i deal with it every day and it's excruciating i feel i do take responsibility for it and i'm learning not to blame anyone else for what goes wrong and i do have someone that i talk to but the following still bothers me when i get overwhelmed frustrated about to explode and i say things to my husband not blaming he ignores my pain when i question why he's ignoring it he says that he's not a therapist and he ignores me it does not mean he's rejecting me i feel he is i don't expect him to be my therapist or to make everything go away but to be there for me and listening to her by why why that this is what a spouse should be as long as the spouse in question is taking responsibility i feel he's not giving me what i need so sorry what's the ultimate question also the ultimate question i'm sorry the ultimate question is she's saying i'm taking responsibility i'm not blaming my husband but when i'm frustrated and i need him to support me and i'm just like venting to him he says i'm not a therapist like what are you telling me all this for and she goes i don't feel he's supporting me i don't need him to be my therapist but i do want him to listen when i'm venting and and hear me out right so so answer this one quickly rabbi because i've got like 19 other questions and i feel like we put a lot of time into the mental health issues right right so so i don't mean to get very analytical but i would be very curious about this why is it so hard for him to listen and empathize with my pain it's probably triggering something in him i would be curious like if if my child if somebody you love comes to you and says you know i really had a miserable day today i double parked and my car got towed away and i had to pay 900 you know you ever got your car towed away those of you who had the joy of living in new york and and and i had no food and i'm starving and i have a headache and i came down with the flu whatever it is right i mean the first thing you do with a friend is you listen you empathy say i'm so sorry you know anything i can do for you that must have been hard so why why would it be so difficult for him not to find solutions but just to empathize with his wife um i would be very curious about that and ask him really is this is this triggering something in you what does it do to you does it make you feel maybe that your wife is so needy that she can't get her life together like really what is it what is it doing to him i would be very curious about this maybe a third party can be helpful like why can't he just be there for his wife and does he know that he could also do the same thing and be vulnerable towards towards his wife maybe he needs a little training maybe he needs a little prompting maybe it can even be simple can she communicate to him how important and and necessary and um and and and how much she would cherish the opportunity for him to take to take it in and to to listen it could when you know they first started getting married she would listen to him he would listen to her and she would tell all the stuff that happened this day and then it would somehow turn into her blaming him or her attacking him or saying and this didn't go right oh it's triggering it may be triggering in him oh she's really blaming him even though she's not so that needs a real conversation and if they can't have it on their own then and it won't be explosive it's important to bring somebody in that can help them with it but that's uh on an important conversation it's also i do also want to say and i think somebody mentioned it before right and i think it's a very important point and that is you know at least there's a i would say probably most men appreciate very much to see the inner strength and confidence of their spouses never be afraid to display that just like most women want to see a man you know they don't want to have a they want to see a man they like the manliness of the man men i think very often appreciate to see the confidence and inner resilience and strength of a woman you should never be bashful to display that it's actually very endearing i think at least for most men that's good good coming from amanda rabbi in a minute uh so we i want to make sure we get to can rabbi give us some more practical tips for a marriage makeover of how to how to clean this plate how to start from from fresh the ones you gave last week were to have conversations uh uh no politics no cell phones whatever to communicate um to constantly reconnect that if something happened that caused the upset in the relationship to constantly react reconnect and every interaction can either build or tear apart and so you have to think about it you know be very conscious about your decision those are the three things we learned from number one if you want an explanation everybody click and watch last week's show if you haven't seen it already but we want more practical marriage makeover advice okay so the first thing i would suggest everybody very practically is twice a day twice a day say something complementary to your spouse those men who are listening listening illegally i'm saying this to you as well and to the women twice a day maybe in the morning and the evening or whenever you can say something kind complementary to your spouse especially something that that has to be genuine i don't mean you know flattery that is external something that's genuine and authentic and especially if you know the love language of your spouse and hopefully at this point you do try to fill that at least twice a day for example for some men a compliment of a spouse a compliment of a wife means the world it could be how hard they work how committed they are to their children how they dress it could be something about their looks about their physique about their wisdom about their commitment about their idealism about their learning about their davening about their mitzvahs about their generosity whatever it is even about the cleanliness of the walk-in closet or the bathroom or the bed whatever it is small or big but if words of affirmation mean a lot to your husband to your wife twice a day at least twice a day you can do it five times a day and the same is true with the other languages of love but try twice a day to say something that is positive complementary building i think that would be a tremendous asset for everybody's marriage that's the first thing i would say very practical and very doable it doesn't take a lot you just have to be you have to be conscientious put a timer on your phone a little ding comes on saying compliment yeah yeah i saw a video somebody had a video about somebody spoke about his parents and he said his past father would wake up early in the morning and make his mother breakfast every single morning and write a love note to her that was waiting by the breakfast table okay that's what creates magic in a marriage you know they felt that appreciation so i'm not giving that as a practical instruction to every single person to wake up in the morning and maybe it's a beautiful idea if you can do it but that concept of of doing something every day saying something every day engaging in an act or a gesture or a statement a word just communication every day that builds that trust that closeness that relationship and it begins with simply saying a compliment saying something positive about the person or the other forms of love in the famous five languages of love i would think that say that's one thing another i think very powerful very powerful practical tool i learned once there's a big therapist in california he once wrote a book about therapy and he told there a a lovely story and he said that a woman once came to him and she shared something with him and it was very very moving she had a hard time with her father they did not get along and they decided once to go on a weekend a trip a road trip to try to be able to connect her father was very disagreeable always whatever she said he disagreed and i think it was before her marriage and she wanted to connect her father and they went on this road trip in california and she was she was driving and her father was in the passenger seat and she looked out her window and she said wow daddy look how beautiful the landscape is look out the window and he looked out of his window and he says this is beautiful it's a cesspool it's a sewage system it's disgusting and she's like oh my god he can't even agree about the landscape and she lifted up her hands in despair you know like one of these and she said forget it let's quit this road trip let's go home and their relationships were not mended 30 years later she was married with her husband on a road trip in california and suddenly they're going down the same road she went with her father three decades earlier this time her husband is driving she's in the passenger seat and literally her husband says honey look out your window the landscape is so beautiful and she looks out her window and what does she see she sees a sewage system and she realizes that her father was not disagreeing with her her father was just sharing what he sees from her wind from his window from her window there was a different landscape and at that moment she realized the truth and that is a couple are driving in the same car but they're not looking out of the same window they're on the same journey they're on the same highway they're hopefully heading to the same destination of binyan adeyad but they're looking out of two different windows and you know what it's fine from my window the world looks this way from your window the world looks this way and maybe throughout my life i will never ever be able to convince you to always see things through my window you're going to see it through your window i will see it through my window but that's not the problem the problem is not that we have two different windows the problem is when we cannot respect each other's windows when we cannot listen to the other person's windows and when we lose trust and we start thinking that because you have a different perspective and a different window to reality therefore somehow you don't like me you're not here for me you're not in tune with me you can't be close to me and so forth if we could learn that we sometimes have two windows and yet we can share what life looks like from your window and i could show what life looks like from my window we can have an unbelievably exciting and meaningful and loving road trip through the road okay i've got i'm filled up here with questions no people some somebody's asking they're like okay these are amazing practical tools we need more okay okay let's do that let's go with that rather than the questions i want to make yeah no because i have one more i have one more question it's so heavy so i figure like let's just do the question and then i'll do another practical tool do this practical the practical we have so we have like literally we have what do we have 10 minutes yeah yeah we need practical yeah okay i think i think another very practical tool is and i think we touched on this but i think it's very important to elaborate a lot of couples often feel that their marriage is not good you know why they'll tell me you know we had an amazing day together yesterday was an amazing day and it was an amazing night and today i'm angry at him or he's angry at me it means that our marriage is in the dumps and i think it's a very big mistake that we make and maybe maybe i'm saying this a little sharp but i think it's important to understand it's very very impractical to expect it to be any other way because husbands and wives even when we're married many years fundamentally there are so many differences the fact that they should be close is unique it's it's unique it's something exceptional it's something extraordinary or to put it differently marriage inherently left to its own devices is an unstable relationship you're going to drift away it's not a kiddish don't look at it as a failure we had an unbelievable week together we went on vacation we went here we went there was gevaldic now we come back and something happened now we're in a fight you're normal you're normal in order to create this oneness you have to constantly it says that hashem recreates the world every single moment why because creation something from nothing is a paradox so it has to be done every single moment again and again and again bringing together two people who are different they should really become one and trust each other and from two people to create oneness is something that you can expect it just remains that way because yesterday we had an unbelievable night that or yesterday we had an unbelievable day no you have to once again demonstrate that you're here for me and i have to once again demonstrate that i'm here for you so last night before he went to sleep he said i love you and i appreciate you and then he went to sleep okay beautiful it's an amazing thing to do okay the next day he's i already said it last night no no no no no today we gotta once again remarry in other words marriage is not something that happens once even in halakha you know that marriage is something that happens every single moment because emotionally also we were married for 20 years and tomorrow we have to get married again and the next day we have to get married again good it's good i'm i'm with you okay what we've got time for another well well it just it happens to be somebody asked on that is that it just seems like it's so much work and so much work on the woman especially because the obviously our show is geared towards women so the women are hearing it and so often and we get this a lot so often the men are not learning and taking these kind of classes and it just it's so much on a woman it almost seems too heavy of a burden to carry excellent question so first of all i have to say a few things first of all that's why you should have your husbands listen to my classes you should have your husbands listen to my classes on the yeshiva.net because i speak a lot to men about this and i don't mean only mine i mean husbands have to learn about this as well number one it shouldn't only be work on the wife that doesn't make sense by definition this is a joined a joined effort of course there's situations where the husband is just out for lunch and then there's work that remains on one party and that's but that's a tragic situation we always try to have two people working together that's number one number two this is work no question marriage a good marriage is work and you know what else and i don't have to tell this to this audience raising children is also work and again i i don't i'm gonna sound arrogant when i say to this audience and and birthing children into this world is work and you know what anything that is of timeless value is work things that don't take any work are usually not very significant yes having a good marriage is work but you know what when we put in this work it creates one of the deepest pleasures and joys in life and that's why it's well worth it because when we create this work we put in this work and we create a situation of a marriage that's filled with trust and respect it creates one of the greatest miracles in the world and that is the miracle of a marriage that is healthy beautiful and inspiring and it's also the greatest gift we can give to the next generation what what i think what's bothering them a rabbi is that is that it's not it doesn't seem fair they could realize okay if i put the work in i'm going to be rewarded today eternally i'll be closeness or whatever it just doesn't feel fair why am i the one always who has to do the work i think that's what the what's no i i really think that that's really an unfair statement to say that the woman is the one who has to put in all the work for shaolin bias and the husband doesn't have to put in the work i don't know who ever formulated such a definition such a uh such hillary that's how women feel i'm not saying that that's the mystery so this this is this does not say anywhere in terror that it's the it's the obligation of the woman in fact in fact if you read the suva which is the official marriage contract under the hope yeah i never realized this i was once doing a joke in california and you know who came to the hope of dr laurie remember dr laura laura schlesinger she was at the hooper because she knew somebody there and i spoke and the next day on her radio show she had a talk show she in seven i think abc she spoke a half an hour about the cuppa and my commentary on the hooper and she said something very interesting she said i translated the suva so i she said it's interesting i'm listening to the marriage contract it's all the man has to do this i do this this this this this this and the woman she says i remember on the radio she just got to show up she just got to show up she says that's interesting written 2 000 years ago when you look actually a real tighter the real obligations of the marriage is on the man so now you're asking me but why does everybody feel the other way and that's that's and that's really because of the power of the jewish woman the reason that women feel this way is not because it is that way it's because you feel that way because you experience in your soul the power of a relationship and you experience in your soul the power that exists long term for eternity when there's a good marriage it's what soros saw immediately when yeshmal would stay in the house avraham didn't realize it abraham said let you small stay in the house we'll have a palestinian state near a jewish state yitzhak and ishmael sora knew she had long-term vision she knew that her child will never be able to be a jewish child of yeshmal is here there has to be separation there has to be boundaries she saw eternity that's the power of a woman and that's why i think women feel so deeply their responsibility and that's because you're a woman you were blessed to feel and sense that which has timeless value and enduring eternal vitality for the jewish people that's what you feel that's why you feel such a pressure but in reality this is something that must be a joint effort and every husband in the world must know that it's his responsibility as it's his wife's duty to be able to work together on creating a relationship and let's also understand once you start doing this after a few weeks after a few months the work changes completely it's work but it's it's it's blissful because there is there's trust there is connection there's harmony so once you overcome those basic real obstacles and you are now there is a flow once that flow is in motion everything changes it may be work but it's different type of work it's almost like the greatest violinist playing his violin it's a lot of work but it's it's work that fills the soul with joy wow it's fantastic this has been absolutely great we're actually out of time i want to how can people get in touch with you rabbi www.yeshiva.net www.theyshiva.net is where my classes are posted and they can also write if you have any questions you can write there and they'll send it to me it could be confidential as well and also i give every single week a class especially for women before corona was live in muncie now for now it's on zoom and everybody is invited it's tuesday morning 9 45 a.m a class for women at the yeshiva.net that's t h e y e s h i v a dot net as leia says not org not com but net and so every tuesday morning 9 45 all the women and girls are invited to the yeshiva.net for a weekly women's class and i hope we can keep in touch and i bless all of you and myself and all of claire still we should have the courage and the resilience and the faith and the fortitude and the wisdom to be able to really build our marriages and families in the most inspiring and beautiful way and hashem should give you all brach lie with us health happiness and prosperity oh man it was just worth it just for that and i also want to say actually and you can respond to this because it just came in my head because it's part of this whole thing we're talking about is women should understand that yes it might be in the tuba that uh in the marriage contract that a man has to provide and a woman has to just show up and i totally hear that but there's another aspect that i think is crucial to remember and that is there is so much a woman can do to influence her husband to take care of her and that's what we're learning that's that's the whole point of the ladies talk show is what can we do to bring closeness into our relationships there's no there's no question there's no question that if you get to know your husband a little bit and you respond not from anger and fear but from deep understanding and wisdom and you know i don't know today that women are smart and being a yeser was given to the woman more than that there are even certain things you tell your husband that can turn him into a king or turn him into a mouse literally you can bring out from your husband the best and the most beautiful and sometimes the worst now this is not to put blame on the woman if a husband is behaving in a wrong way that's completely unfair and unjust but nonetheless it's important for women to know their power when you validate complement build up uh give that which your husband needs it it it has an unbelievable impact and influence for which he will forever be grateful of course it also works the other way and it has to always be in a functional and respectful and reciprocal way not talking about an abusive way god forbid but this is a tremendous power that you know very often in the age of feminism which focuses so much on equality and there's a lot of gifts to that idea but there's also a lot of women forgot the power of a woman that our grandmothers knew very very well our great-grandmothers they knew the power the power of a woman to be able to set the atmosphere in the home to be able to create a certain ambiance to be able to create a certain spirituality and kedusha in the house and really to be able sometimes to bring out the best within their husbands to become the wind beneath their wings and allow their husbands to soar in ways that are unprecedented of course if you're taking this in a way of guilt or in an abusive way that you didn't understand what i'm saying i'm talking about in a healthy functional relationship that's fantastic grandma thank you so much for joining us it's honored to have you your wife thank you for the privilege and thank you you should have tremendous hatslach and the ladies talk show and everything to be able to inspire and unite jewish women and as ghazal say that best of the women we left mitzrayim and arizal says that the women at the end of ghalos are a reincarnation of the women of ethios mitzrayim so it's in the source of the vision and the fortitude and the wisdom and the power of women that we will get out of a gullos consciousness into a gula consciousness and a gullah reality amen amen miss landry timer for the ladies talk show we'll see you guys next time thank you thank you so much this class is brought to you by the yeshiva.net please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at www.theyoshiva.net donate