Marriage: The Comedy and the Kabbalah - by Rabbi YY Jacobson

rabbi Jacobsen is a prolific writer speaker teacher survived a accommodation vegetable in Brooklyn New York he's the editor of the alpha-beta Giornale Enosh English newspaper he has online classes which are attended to weekly online by 10,000 people with something phenomenal so we're really really privileged to have this opportunity last time I introduced rabbi Jacobsen I mentioned another point and I'd like to mention it again we just heard the small snippets of the rebus speaking the devil would speak on a young City purana Shabazz for hours on end the problem is on a Shabbat lorry humps if you couldn't record it so they would have human recorders people who would memorize word-for-word what their ever would say if you had two days of young to finish about an each day there ever would speak for hours this could accumulate to 1215 hours of talk and to memorize all of that and rabbi Jacobsen was part of the team that would memorize and later transcribe the rebus box so it's really a great honor for me to introduce and ladies and gentlemen please ready Jason thank you I'm very lucky not everybody gets to hear their eulogy during their own lifetime so I feel privileged most people have to die in order to hear somebody say nice things forever I'm sure my mother-in-law will be very pleased but thank you very much for your kind words last time I was in this building was when it was dedicated how many years ago two years ago Mazel Tov at the dedication of this beautiful edifice and you know often Jews dedicate new buildings and then they retire so it's nice to see two years later the vibrancy of the community and it's expansiveness from strength from strength to strength some privilege that moved to be back there two years later was with all of you you mentioned the rabbi graciously mentioned about my position to serve as a human tape recorder or oral scribe one of the world scribes of the Lubavitcher ever after his hour-long talks so I want to begin by sharing with you a little bit about how I got that job I grew up in Brooklyn in the Crown Heights section of Brooklyn New York the world headquarters of the Chabad movement and my late father which left me every Shabbat afternoon to go attend the gatherings and addresses of the late llevaba Trevor which took place every sad at 1:30 in the afternoon and continued for hours now to be blunt and frank I was six years old and there ever spoken the addition and he spoke long and complex and it was deep and profound and for a six-year-old it was quite monotonous and boring I was extremely envious of my friends who were doing what Jewish boys should be doing on Eastern Parkway in Brooklyn on Shabbos afternoon which is basically you know getting each other space bleeding fighting a few stitches here and there some sports not sitting among we're standing among 5,000 adult men listening to wormed complex tapestries of ideas so I needed to occupy my time with something the structure of 770's department about ethic or has had a lot of beams at the time I would count the beams and I became an expert on the amount of beams and their exact location and the structure but when I finished counting the beams director was still talking I developed a new skill and that is thank God the one who made the tiles of that building make sure that none of them were symmetrical so I began counting the tiles on all of the walls and after months I became an expert on each tile the exact crevices and shapes and holes in between wires but I mastered that too when there ever lo and behold was still so in desperation I developed a new scheme I would take that sits in the fringes of the man sitting near me and tie them anticipate waiting for these two men trying to stand up and part ways the zenith of my sister career was when I managed to tie mine went on for months of the year is because there was a lot of strategy and mental planning that went into it it was like a nationally you watch national Geographics how the beasts have the animals you know shoes their targets and I had to first of all choose my target I couldn't be recognized it all have to be incognito I mean there's a lot of extensive planning that went into it and so life went on on this level on one sharpest afternoon as I was doing my thing suddenly I see a finger pointing at me and I take a look and it was Alabama cherub who a middle of one of his addresses was pointing at me I was like oh my god after the year is this patients lost and now who might satisfies me for tying people's scissors ready here is right in front of his face and who knows he might expel me from kebab and you know what fine expels you're not Jewish even the radians so what what happens then but thank goodness the la biogenesis not expelled me from cobot but thank you for inviting me to come on he asked me a question there was a very strange question was a very many philosophical question to ask a child and the question I'll never forget it was in Yiddish and then I'll translate it for you but I understood and I still understand you dish his question was from violent vase to acid our belt which means how do you know that the universe exists I was stunned I thought you know you know that the universe exists first of all it was a brilliant pedagogical and educational idea I didn't I figure that out only recently of how to communicate right it's like if your child is really getting you obsessed just asked how those little existence like what I don't know how about I'm busy - it's us the retro was waiting for a net and 5000 eyes were gazing at this little child young child inclusive of ours should ever waiting for an answer how I know the world exists and I was thinking to myself we live in a democracy but he would not to take his eyes off me and he wanted an answer but I was clueless I did not know what to exile they didn't know how I knew the world existed so he waited for like 20 seconds which seemed like eternity okay so that I wasn't answering he broke out in a very big smile almost a laugh and he answered the question for me and he told everybody that he's answering the question instead of me and he said in Yiddish this child responds how do I know the world exists because the opening of the Bible the opening of the Torah Genesis chapter 1 verse 1 Rees Bereshit bara elokim a Tasha Maya Bay pirates in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth that's how he knows the world exists because the Torah says have got the heavens is the earth that must be that the world exists the next week the next Shabaks I was afraid my ask me another question of the same nation so instead of time Texas I decided I'm going to list so that it he asks me the question I might know what that hence that's why I told you what he did was very wise Silas and actually I understood some of what he said and I found it very interesting so I began listening every week to his talks and slowly I became drawn into it and I developed a touch for rent or a skill for it and since then I sat at his feet until the end that tillis illness and his passing and absorbed many of his talks repeating them transcribing them until my last breath I will thank the Almighty for giving me the privilege of sitting at the feet of such a great genius a giant and absorbing his ideas his death as approaches his perspectives and today having the privilege of sharing some of those ideas with audiences Jews and non-jews around the world and various lectures of seminars and retreats and programs including here this evening but when I who uh I went back to the transcript of that talk to see why he has to me this question what was he talking about and I observed that he was discussing the innocence of children that children unlike adults have that ability to see the world from a very pristine sacred and pure perspective but those know existence from the stresses and pressures of life children untarnished by the corruption and stress of life at least relatively to adults are capable of seeing the world from a very pure place they know the world exists because the Torah says in the beginning God created heaven and earth in other words they can experience life from the verse in the beginning God created heaven and earth you know it's like the story of the child who asked his mother for $100 so she sent him to her husband to daddy he asked daddy for $100 daddy said $100 come on here is a dollar go buy us off the canister let me do my thing on the computer of course what happens when Daddy and Mommy reject you so the child goes to tar child writes a letter to God dear God I really need onto mandalas mommy said no daddy said no I turned to you the child cooked the letter in an envelope stamped it and addressed it to the Lord of the USA it happened in America the post office gets the letter the Lord of the USA who's that who's the lord of the USA so they send it to somebody they think matches this description at least somewhat President Obama a letter he opens and he's very moved by the innocence of a child you know asking God $400 Obama tells his secretary says you know said that kids five dollars in the mail President Obama is certain a child gets five dollars in the mail he will be overjoyed the child gets the money and sits down to write a thank-you letter to God this is how the text read dear God thank you so much for sending me $100 however I notice that for whatever reason you were compelled to send it the money through Washington most easiest is ducted wires before they say so god I really thank you but do me a favor next time try to send money directly the innocence short of the power of choice and so I always feel that that question that they're avast is a child was essentially a message there was an empowering message that when I travel and speak to bring people closer to the perspective of life to a perspective on the world that is synchronized with that verse opening of the Torah in the beginning God created heaven and earth a heaven and earth that is a replica that is a mirror of the world God intended to create God intended that we live in or a world in which there's harmony both in the macrocosm and the microcosm harmony in the macrocosm and harmony in the microcosm between the mind the body and the soul now the most powerful element in which harmony is often challenged is of course the area of relationships I don't have to tell you that relationships today are increase challenging and the harmony in relationships both the harmony was in purses themselves and the harmony between spouses between parents and children between friends between family members between colleagues business partners and so forth this often extremely challenged and you know the story about the Jewish couple celebrating their 50th anniversary and that that niversary she gets up and says I want to make a toast to myself mmm get out with him for 50 years a toast to him was thinking it out with me for 50 years and I want to tell you that the 50 years of our marriage that passed like two days people were moved the Jewish couple after 50 years not only are they on speaking terms but apparently the marriage was so beautiful in heaven it just flew by like two days there was however one a new Knick in the crowds I just you know what it look because there are three types of Jews there are slow meals there are small muscles in there under the name this meal is a guy who pours this on this because the guy who wants to know what type of I can tell you from experience every Jewish audience excluding this one horse has a look look the nudnik is the person who asks the right questions at the right time so the movement at the wedding anniversary beast gets up and says excuse me ma'am ma'am why do you say that your relationship for 50 years went by like two days why don't you say it went by that one day I told you he was a world-class because our marriage for 50 years has been like two days above and those are the toughest days you know my friends there's a no question the Mystics asked what is the primary difference between children and adults now one of the answers that's given is children don't keep grudges about grudges how many times of your child say mommy I don't like you Totti I hate you I don't want to be friends with you ever again you're not my friend twelve minutes later the child becomes your best friend once again especially if you gave him or her a little ice but when an adult tells you I don't want to talk to you I'm not a friend anymore twelve years later they're usually still harboring a grudge so the catalyst asks why the immature ones why do they let go of their grudges in minutes while adults harbor grudges often for years and decades and the answer my dear friend is given by one of the great Jewish mystics is this children choose being happy over being right adults often choose being right over being happy so friction being happy as much important than being ranked for adults it's often exactly opposite adults will often wanna be miserable but they're not going to be wrong they will make sure to be right in life everyone has to make that choice is it more important for you to be happy or is it more important for you to be right here we approach the fundamental question and that is how do we create better harmony there's no question we are facing for years now and it only increases every year a crisis it's a crisis in relationships it's a crisis in harmony I come from a city called New York and there the amount of breakdowns and families this mongst at 50 or 60 percent of marriages end up in a divorce that means every other wedding you attend every other marriage after a number of years is going to fail more than a million children a year are added to the list of fragmented and broken families in some situations it's age wise you know if there's abuse and so on and so forth but in most situations it's not a life saving it's simply the breakdown of a family where your generation technologically-advanced like no generation earlier in history a generation experiencing prosperity malleus standing a recession unprecedented in previous generations a generation which in so many ways in high-tech and science and so forth has made incredible investments and yet when you put boom man and woman in the house they can't get do you remember the family Portsmouth of your family of the picture that was taken in 1931 you know that family portrait are like 18 people the portrait is anybody ever smiling nobody right everybody's like this most family portrait but somehow the patriarch in the matriarchy great-grandparents were married for 66 years they produce 12 kids and they weren't that miserable today we have websites and seminars go into Barnes & Noble or any bookstore this 780 new books and relationships these retreats and this programs are seminars this lecture this book is essays and so on and so forth today a lovely near old kids know more about intimacy then your 92 year old grandmother and yet often often at wedding pictures everybody is smiling unlike those portraits the photographer will shoot give you little smile but a few months later a few years later lawyers are involved over settlements because of fighting and quarrels and so on and so forth what did are my great grandmother your great-grandmother know about harmony that we don't when Henry Kissinger became the secretary of state of the u.s. the Prime Minister of Israel's golden may here so she coined him a famous letter in which she looked forward to work with him because Kissinger oozygoo you know what he wrote back to her my dear mrs. Meir have to clarify my priorities number one I am an American citizen number two I am a secretary of state of the u.s. number three I happen to be Jewish so she writes back that's excellent that's awesome because in Israel we lead from right it was a very clever response but I want to tell you that in relationship to those of two ways of reading relationships it is left to right and right to left and it's important to talk about the right-to-left perspective unless perspective I want to share with you this evening albeit briefly and I draw on one of the first marriages in Jewish history at the surface it's strange it seems as dysfunctional as a marriage can get and as problematic as a relationship can get and then always bothered me and perturbed me whenever I read the story again and this is a marriage recorded in the book of Genesis and the marriage that affected every person sitting in this whether you like it or not do you admit it or not and that's the marriage of the third patriarch of the Jewish people his name was Jacob who fell in love with a woman named Rach in the book of Genesis Jacob meets a girl beautiful calmly safely her name is Rachel and he wants to marry and he asks her father the good old days used to ask the father and the father says sure for seven years of labor and he Labor's for seven years like today it's a little different direct seven today you don't ask the father and all that the father say for seven years of labor in fact there was a story where this guy was naming his girls and they were dating for years and she really liked him and he liked her and he proposed and she said great but now it's time to talk to my dad and dad saw him and dad said you know I heard great things about you and I really want to welcome you into the fan and I want you to know you probably know that I have a business that is extremely successful I mean it's a multi-billion dollar business and we treat family as our own and we treat in-laws as our own so I just want to tell you at this very moment as you stretched out your hand in marriage and my daughter agreed you become a full-fledged partner 50% of the shares in my business that I built now walk to you this man can't believe them - 23 year-old little picture as they say I don't know what's the word for that what do you 3e rocks in the game you suddenly I mean within five seconds he's a multi-millionaire and this future father most census I hope to see you tomorrow morning it's now yours you'll come in tomorrow morning 9 o'clock and I'll take you around I'll show you what's going on he says you know I would love to but I'm very sorry because I have migraine headaches and whenever I'm between people I get spasms and I go crazy and I dissonant up on me so I really would prefer not to do it he says ok no problem I'll give you a desk you'll be on the telephone he says it's a very big problem I have telephones when I hear when the telephone rings I hold telephones I had a very negative reactions and has to do with the rage my family my mother's interdependence with my father's addictive there was a lot of psychological whatever it is fetish and therefore I really can't deal with telephones pieces no problem I'll take you to the section of the factories you'll become a director there he says no whenever it is what do you want me to do with you I just gave you 50% of this years of my company worth what should I do and he says buy me out but Jacob actually worked for seven years in order to be able to marry Rachel and at the end of seven years he tells his future father-in-law's name was Laban I'm ready this is great he makes a feast he likes everybody to the party but you know what he did right he switched the younger sister with the older sister Rachel was switched with Leia and the tourists as Leia did not possess Rachel's beauty in fact her eyes were weak and poor and impoverished but the the bride was veiled so Jacob did not know that he's entering into marriage with Lea's that operation the party ended the dancing and everybody went home they paid the caterer they pay the florist and they paint the musician ninety thousand dollars for flowers whatever and what happens is it's before SSA so there's no electricity there's no lights don't ask me why nobody lit a candle but they did not they went to their Kenta to their home it was pitch dark Jacob consummated the marriage with Lenin and then the Bible describes the scene dawn breaks Sun rises glimmers of light into their tent Jacob takes a look at his side and he goes whoops it's won by yard by both can be email a is the more displayed he comes running to swallow Mon he says why did you deceive me and the Father law says Isis is young it's immoral to marry off the younger daughter before the Overlord that's by the way how you know you're dealing was a real crook you come out of the conversation feeling guilty Jacob says nightmare eh his father was too sure for another seven years of work I'll give you my second daughter and the Torah says he agrees he marries Rachel he works another seven years but he loves Rachel more than Leia he decides to stay married away but he marries Rachel too and he loves her more than Leia this story always preferred me to no end I mean I'm going to ask the men sitting in this room to imagine for a moment that happened to you you love this girl you get married you consummate the marriage at night after the wedding morning comes you take a look at your left side it's your mother but what is the means of the story why did it happen now this was not an isolated marriage and alas understand that every Jew living today is a product of that mistaken marriage maybe this is where the success of our functional families comes maybe this is the ultimate Freudian explanation for all of our issues the Jewish people come from take Jacob marry the wrong woman so what does that tell us about the Jewish people and about foolish marriages not about Jewish mother was and Jewish father to Jewish law into intro mass what is the meaning of the story this is the foundation of the Jewish people and the Bible makes sure to tell us that he married the wrong wife great just wonderful what is more strange my dear friends is and every Jewish wedding there's something called about that can they know what that is the groom veils the product why is the bride veil that the wedding's on and the answer is because Leia was veil that's why King cup does not recognize my question to you dear friends is would it not make sense that at every wedding the groom should unveil the bride so that he does not repeat the same mistake I mean do you realize under that we call the super when he places that lovely ring on her finger and he says hi really you are consecrated to me we entered into the Covenant of marriage arguably the most important moment of that relationship he does not see her normos she see him I need for all practical purposes to be Hillary what is the meaning of this why I'm excited perpetually this same tragedy and every Jewish wedding look at her for heaven's sake make sure it's the right one what strange as well as Rachel died at a very young age you know during childbirth Hudak Jacob lived most of his life with Lena furthermore who was Jacob buried with Rachel is buried in Bethlehem Jacob and Leia together are we're in hetero in the city of Ephraim in the Cave of Machpelah so 3,600 years later Jacob and Leah are interred together matching up and race why what's the poetic justice being conveyed here friends tonight I share with you one perspective based on the teachings of Jewish mysticism of Kabbalah and uh citizen [Music] you know the biblical characters are not just physical characters biblical characters are also allegorical characteristics that mirror the qualities that people struggle with in their own lives in other words every personality in the Torah is not just a historical person who lived at a certain period of time but every figure in the Torah represents and embodies and personifies a certain quality or characteristic that lives timelessly in our own psyches so that their stories are really reflections of our stories and this is one of the great contributions of Jewish mysticism are to depict the metaphor behind the figure to explain the spiritual and psychological relevance of every character so Rachel and Leia are not only two sisters their Muslim two sisters but they also represent two parts of every person one of the two parts that Rachel and Leah represent rachel is the beautiful girl you taller the in fact Mara she was gorgeous her physique her countenance her face her personal the word Rachel Raquel anybody knows even those libretto means the word Raquel in Hebrew right a you sheep the Sheep the youth is a very docile animal relaxed serene bright it has usually a bright white luminescent color those who know Kamaria Komachi is new morality every letter in the Hebrew alphabet has a number rough l Rachel is 238 the distinct morality like the words Genesis via heat or and there was lights because when Rachel payment to a party everybody said ah there's lights she was a person of lights lights and light in both meanings she was like not heavy and she was light as in luminescence she loved herself and she loved others like a gentle kind sheep she was beautiful and she represents the light in every person she represents those aspects in you that are endearing to you and are endearing card Rachel represents the gorgeous qualities and people that simply make them attractive and beautiful and everybody has those qualities that make you attractive it's what you write on your resume it's what you try to project it's what people like about you whatever it may be do you know what the word lamb means even the word length right exhausting layer represents those qualities in us that make us tyrants the Torah says the eyes of Leah were weak because she used to weep a lot Leah represents the struggling soul for Rachel life is a serene cruise through tranquil waters four-layer life is a war on a battlefield leah was a very deep soul but also a very complex all and the two go together Leah struggles she struggled for her she struggled for her identity she struggled to deal with her inner challenges and she became exhausted from those challenges Leia means tired exhausted each of us has a Rachel and Aleya within we have those aspects of us that are beautiful comforting endearing and we have those aspects within ourselves that make us tired and exhausted those are the challenges within you those are the questions that dilemmas existential ones psychological ones emotional ones spiritual ones it's the demons the skeletons the shadows and the ghosts are there any of those Toronto that people have to deal with there is no racial or lay exclusively we're a composite of both what's the name of that film the good the bad and the ugly now let's go back to the story you see the story of Jacob marrying Leigh instead of Rachel it's not years ago the reason the Torah causes the story and the reason that happened to the founding father and mothers of the Jewish people is because the Torah is telling us about most marriages sense you see when you date and when you're engaged and when you usually stings and around Rach [Music] there's the rates of male in the business rates male in the man I've concluded a lecture once in Manhattan and a woman comes over to me afterwards and says we're makers and may I have a word with you I said sure she says I have a question I've met my husband in high school we were lovebirds we were highschool sweethearts we knew each other for years and years we dated for 18 years which doesn't happen is not suitable we never thought we would daughters we never had a fight after 18 years we started to contemplate marriage I asked why so fast we contemplated marriage for a year two years after 20 years not managed now it's been eight months and we're fighting all the time and she wanted to understand how for 20 years peace paradise tranquility now here they're quarreling I told them my dear woman it's racist for 20 years you were dating Rachel you got married is this comic way you see and this is what many women don't understand as long as a guy is dating you twice a week but at the end of the days you both have the freedom to go your own way so for those few hours he can behave as though he was a member of the human race he opens the door of your car you walk in is there like a princess he closes the door when he gets into the car he was doing your eyes and he says sure with me every life during the last 24 hours and when you're done talking about that after two hours and you're delighted by a sensitivity combined with this depth as long as 9:30 10 o'clock be and drops you off at your place and he goes back to his place and when he walks through this apartment or his house he throws off his shoes and then there's no woman telling him and then he goes and he takes this bag of chips swig of berry mops down on the couch opens the TV and watch as a tennis match between two people of Czechoslovakian never heard of and no one is telling him when he does we don't spend any time then he's watching this tennis match for our was eating chips the whole couch is now oily they fall asleep 12:30 snoring on the couch in his clothes waist 2:00 in the morning like a hippopotamus he wants to his bedroom half of his best with more dream he goes to sleep and nobody comments but what a disgusting human being [Music] but after you get married you realize things I mean the first thing you realize is what the bathroom looks like after is shower know what is worse after the shower most men use the wrong power with which to dry up their bodies they use the towels with the tassels on the bottom those morons called men don't realize that you have to distinguish between two categories of towel towels that are made to use to dry your bodies [Music] muscles for me it was beautifully stackable but the white responders supposed to say and then his other things and it's conversely as well you're marrying a woman a Rachel picture-perfect picturesque impeccable flawless beautiful and it's awesome and then you get married and suddenly you discover some discover their insecurities as you discover the connection you discover the fears you discover peoples and their demons of challenges and it's not because this isn't based on the knowledge because the nature of what marriages so used a trick but you marry well and here is what the Torah is telling us open your hearts if you grow up and if you work on yourself and if you travel together in the journey of life you will discover that it was the Leia element of your spouse that was intended for you because the racial element of yourselves is those aspects of your spouse that's your ego that's your imagination that's well with your initial identity and parent they don't challenge you to take someone else's the let elements of your spouse rattle your system they the hell out of your imagination they ship you up to your core and you can do two things you can either run or conversely you can crush or conversely a third option and that is become the person Nietzsche was right when he said we don't need to the German philosopher who said we don't love other people we love our version of them when you date somebody when you marry somebody who do you love do you love her or do you love your version of her director why start two husbands there's your wife and is your version of the right does your husband and is your version of your husband which would be loved Rachel represents those qualities of my wife from my husband's that sit well with my expectations it's the spouse that I dreamt up it's the spouse that I can put into my blackberry an iPhone it's the spouse that I can compress to suit my needs it's dispatch that I always imagined I would be able to hold hands with walk on the beach listen to box and let the poetry flow from my mouth like milk and honey but then there is marriage and suddenly I discover lay I discovered my real spouse and here I'm like whoa God Almighty are five billion people in the world why a woman once called love she saw classified ad in the New York Times for picking lemons so she falls the guy says we have experience with picking lemons I mean not a mo if you have a harvested lemons is not an easy to sweeten harvest season a lot of experience of picking lemons have been married we thought there was a guy the other day the cemetery of Bathurst of Rosslyn and he's standing and he'll young guy and he watches a lone woman standing at a tombstone and she's talking to the to stone and she's weeping why did you have to die why da and the approaches are and says who dies and she says my husband's first wife [Music] my friends the rape developments of your spouse challenged you to take yourself seriously the lay elements of your spouse challenged you to take someone else seriously the lay elements of your spouse when Judith Winston your ego and to create space for a modernist other this is the key rachel is the spouse that fits into my bubble rachel is the spouse that works from my ego Leia is the spouse that challenges so much of me and therefore forces me to create a space for someone's not me and what is the essence of the relationship what is at the core of the drama the massif the chaff and the bless of a relationship of not creating space for office and becoming what you're capable of becoming in that difficult [Music] but blessed process back to the story of Jacob you know where the Torah tells us the story you know why that happened because the Torah is telling us this simple message when you're getting married you must know something and that is if you're not ready to marry later don't get married if you're only ready to marry yourself but if you marry only if you ready to marry raise you're not ready for marriage because marriage means creating space the totality of the other purse you see now why we cover the bride during away when we placed a finger when we placed a ring on her finger she has to be covered in a while what the groom is telling her that gesture is I'm committed to love not only the part of you that I see tonight I'm committed to love also the part of you that I will see in a year in five years and 15 years life changes people there's no life that doesn't change me we grow we suffer losses we endure challenges hopefully we have something we grow install many ways our bodies change our psyches developed in so many different directions I cover her face to say I am making a space for you not only for the ratio but also the layer I know that there are parts of you that I don't see tonight I can't see tonight even if we dated for a long time how can I know everything you don't even know everything about yourself so me not what the future will bring and tonight I'm creating that space for you tonight I am committed to love not only race but also Leia and what happens in life is Rachel dies and Jacob remains with Leia psychologically with means is the image of your spouse as a picture perfect impeccable and flawless creature dies away with time as the two sisters must merge into one beam and as couples grow together and work on themselves the two sisters become one in their life will you begin to cherish love and accept the totality of the other person this does not mean that abuse should be tolerated and welcomed this does not mean that when my husband is doing something that's unacceptable I should say great lay up lay it wasn't worked out purse Leia was a righteous woman Leia was a deeper woman that raped but Leia had her to fight for herself a relationship with Leia means recognize that every person is now recognizing that any person has challenges and create space for the idiosyncrasies and for the journeys and for the growth and for the fears of the child the other nurse this is difficult for many couples today you see what happens is this the story of Rachel II has a cause of exploring if you would slay at the first dance you know what you would do you would say bye bye bye bye happiness go enjoy your ride with somebody else so they're in courtship we see Rachel we only get to see Leia after the wedding this is God's Way of allowing us to marry Leia now what do you do when you see later some people call a lawyer some people run away in isolation they don't want to deal others crush their spouse so that they obliterate their personality I saw t-shirts I'm very easy to get along with once you learn to worship me you just learn to surrender don't speak up and will be peace in the home they'll be harmony of you but there's a third way don't run and don't crush celebrate others open yourself up to a person who's not you create a hole in your eagle create an emptiness your ego that is not filled with you and that somebody else can enter into it and in that process you will discover a harmony that was unexpected are you ready for that are you ready to create space truly for another person without being threatened by it without running the other direction without feeling they have to crush it if you're not ready to crease that space you're not ready for marriage don't get married and that's the story of Jacob your married life are you ready for it it's not just a little work on yourself because if you don't work on yourself before marriage you're going to blame your spouse for things that she is not or he is not complain don't think that your spouse will perfect law your own fears and concerns in the levels it's not their job to fill your void you fill your void and now create space for other nests but you know my friends this Rachel and Leia and every person also on their own Germain when you wake up in the morning there are two days ahead of you there's the day that you wrote down in your Blackberry or iPhone it's a beautiful day from appointment to appointment from Erin pepper and everything is accounted for but then there is a day that God plans to you and his Blackberry because each of us has those aspects that are stress free we also have those aspects that drive us insane we have the struggles we have the challenges the only people I know that are perfectly happy other people I don't know well but everybody else struggles each of them away and it's grace of your life realized that it's in your swellow's if you have the courage to look them in their eyes that will allow you to reach the destination for winners all came down to this world in which you reach your ultimate harmony or ultimate death so my friends this guy really was short of breath he went up the steps about the ninth and he could barely breathe so his wife is very concerned Monday morning she makes an appointment to go to the doctor the doctor checks for a full hour out of the office calls in his wife the doctor says I had very bad ministry your husband works too hard he's deteriorating I don't see a way out he's going down and down in a year or two ill just loses energy he's finished all the wife says is there anything I can do to help them the baptists is yes take a pen and paper and write down find instructions and follow them for the next 10 months if you do these five things for 10 months I promise you the stress level will decrease and we'll bring him back slowly to health she takes a pen and paper and tells the doctor to go ahead the doctor says number 1 when your husband comes home from work every night's dinner must be on the table with a plastic over it to retain the heat there's no such a thing when he comes home ear on the telephone contemplating what we would like - your friend must be ready for dinner [Music] I'm gonna tell the women you have to know two things about men they have to be fed and watered a woman once came to see me she wants to get divorced I said why she tells me my husband is an undomesticated selfish beast I happen to know her husband it was a little spirited he actually was a nice guy he was a nice guy she does but you don't know him I know him I didn't say anything I asked to tell me what time does he come home from work doesn't he comes on six I say what time did and you serve dinner I usually eat I said your husband is not a undomesticated wild selfish piece [Music] people in the world try it and instead of spent $80,000 and therapy give the money to me or the kebab I have saved marriages with this advice women don't realize cuz men when they're hungry don't complain about how hungry they are men don't walk around the house they just get angry and upset about everything the peasants the wrong way they freak out the guy couldn't care less when the pen is where keys are used to starving he they're just too much so they can't admit how hungry there women are they walk around the house you haven't had a meal since the day I met you nor have you slept one night in fact tomorrow I'm going to transmit your name to the Guinness Book of Records you have me because if you told me I'm gonna come back to bite don't blame me your wife does not have any manners so women don't understand that when men are hungry they don't talk about food they're just upset about anything in the world they want to move weather wrong with various other house they change jobs just do be quiet again natto your husband eats therapy but a lot of them a lot of that just animal food so this is the first with the doctor's office remember so this is the first destruction the doctor gave her he gotta eat and eat the second instruction the doctor said when he finishes Union even if he offers to clean up rich savage refused to take out we got a column darling you had a hard day at work I appreciated so much what you do and I really don't want to burden you with the house you know me what am I am a housewife I really do nothing do the laundry at maps of them but you really work hard so don't help me clean up don't help me clean up I had a perfect day I'm not tired at all you go watch Larry King for The Honeymooners or I Love Lucy or mash or whatever Adama the third instruction the doctor says you have to compliment your husband - 20 times a day you have to tell them I know you serve in the Prime Minister's we're certainly of Canada president of the US the leader of the free world really I mean with your brilliance with your brilliance unbelievable 20 times a day your husband's ego has to be massaged by you advice number four the doctor tells her I can't repeat publicly advice number five the doctor says you could never disagree with whatever he says you must truly under me with him if you do this pet mouse his stress level will decrease we'll be able to stay in his life the woman finishes writing she leaves the office they get into the car to go home her husband looks at her and says you worried by the doctor after the checkup tell me what did the doctor tell the woman looks at her husband and says the doctor said that you going to die there's all my dear friends with their brothers my dear sisters I want to wish you that the next 50 years of your relationships and the 50 years afterwards should pass like two days like pureness thank you very much [Applause] thank you thank you before you go home - stop arguing about who I was talking and who's the race in the relationship lose the lay of the relationship and so on and so forth I will take a few questions or objections war is good Jews alternate speeches I will ask you to keep them short but before I think the questions I'm going to express my gratitude to the rabbi and Rebbetzin for giving me the privilege once again I think this is my third time here right my third time once again of addressing this beautiful warm hospitable and most important humorous community not all Jews know how to laugh at jokes some people think it's a conspiracy [Applause] I want to thank them very much for inviting me and it's really a privilege to meet you for those who want I send out a weekly essay through the email on the Jewish psychology and spirituality if you want to get it you can give me your email address before you leave and I'll send you the weekly essay and now we're going to take a few questions we're gonna need somebody to break the ice and we can't rely on the men unless they'll surprise us we'll see anybody any questions mama Schmo yes I know it yeah [Music] I've heard in the past you spoke embrace your difficulties accept your challenges but how the best advice I give this assassination I'll pay that you didn't have for me the words embraces difficulties I don't like that words because I think that word is abused I've seen situations where people are being abused where people are living with things they shouldn't be living and people say you got embrace it difficulties sometimes you don't have to embrace your difficulties so what do you got to get rid of the difficult you don't always have to embrace it difficulty after no wet their bracelet difficulties why not embrace your difficulties as a blank state with the tell somebody embrace your difficulties if you're in a job and your boss is impossible and abuse get out now with a married you have to be much more sensitive a much more careful especially in this ocean involved you know today in America and Canada Europe we created a culture of divorce you don't like the guy you don't like her move on you have to know what's there was the time when that song you gotta know what to hold them and you gotta know when to fold them ranks I know it's about gambling Jewish men if you dish they made up they made a version of that song Madhavi - you know you got to know what the whole thing you got to know what the fold sometimes difficulties are intolerable sometimes there's behaviour that should not be tolerated people are accountable they're mature adults and you don't say it's awesome it's challenging this is gonna make me a good person sometimes it's unforgivable it's intolerable and people have to stand up to their behavior and be accountable for it you know it's very difficult to make a blank statement every situation has to be judged individually what I was referring to as an approach to life and that is even in in the best situation people are different and even the most beautiful husband a beautiful wife that have good intentions and idealistic people are different people's personalities are different and harmony is about really creating space for another person the really about understanding who the other person is this doesn't mean every different it should be embraced and accepted but it means generally I have to really appreciate who the other person is and not try to turn them into what I want them to be it's true also with children you cannot make your children into what you want them to be you have to know who your children are and create an environment that then to be them this doesn't be more behaviorism is acceptable it's not some things are unacceptable but a toastin that I cannot turn my children to do I want them to be I have to respect their soul Mike soldier don't belong to me they belong to God my spouse doesn't belong to me she or he belongs to himself or herself and ultimately to God even my back doesn't belong to me I don't have the right to abuse my body according to Torah it also belongs to God I have to respect and know who it is this aspect how do we do it we do it first and foremost through humility prayer is very helpful to this study is very helpful for this being a personal engages and kind needs every day is helpful for this these are things that expand consciousness when you pray when you study when you help people you expand your consciousness and when you expand your consciousness you could see things beyond your ego and when you see things beyond your ego you can make a space drug when your consciousness is very now or unlimited it's very hard to make space for other people you become insecure you become defensive you become protective I probably didn't answer your question yes you mean this more to do separate from each other yeah people are good what is that better or worse a relationship with all the technology that allows people to be more apart rather than locked up together in a confined home I don't think that accident can be answered black and white it depends what they're doing with it it depends what they're doing with it is a nice good or bad the pendants use it to cook halwa but you used to cut your finger you use it the cup how that's a wonderful thing if you use it they cut your finger your schlimazel you know is internet good it's technology good is the fact we use it for if you're using it text messages to flirt with other women which is a very easy way of learn today it's hard to spoil them on your parents if you use it to be connected to somebody faster when you need something or you help something you know it's also so I think that answer must be addressed every person dividual e about how disciplined they are how moral they are how committed they are and then they really own their life or their a toys on them I mean between Facebook and Twitter and link is bean and iPhones people don't on their life anymore it used to be in the bathroom at least you won't yourself when you're in the shower in the back on the toilet you mom you not anymore you're texting your aunt's three emails there's no space in a corner on even in sleep max bosses and you're awake so some people don't own themselves they can look to the whole world besides themselves that that's not good that's not good you have to have a space that you call your own and then that's very important it's important for a relationship with yourself it's important for relationship with with your spouse supporting for relationship I was listening to a conversation which is Berenstain to say but I'll share with you I was in the conversation of my children and my wife fast and if they want me to read a book that they want me to read a story book to them at night which I do sometimes that one of my son said no I don't want that give me the book so she said why he said because paddy is always checking this fall and it's very annoying I wanted to read the book right now I thought to myself I put the phone on the side you know what every few pages for me that's perfect but my children's imagination that was a very powerful statement and I learnt the less the lesson I learned was during homework and during reading a book the cell phone goes wall there's no vibration as well if Obama really easy doesn't know what to do in Gaza and is desperately needed to fix the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico or Afghans don't find me the most Sabah the Shin Bet will find me so for those two hours you know is my business those bankrupt in two hours is deserving on you in two hours she should quit on you so if you can't shut the phone off from 6:30 to 8:30 when you do in the home when you're putting the kids to bed it's a problem but I learned it the hard way I'm glad I didn't learn is when they when my C team in the therapists office when he was five so I can fix it but that's very important to remember extremely important the cell phones gotta go off that's the value of Shabbat the value of Shabbat Lamia consider yourself Orthodox non-orthodox liberally humanist left-wing right-wing atheist agnostic is one night a week a whole night that's all an observant Jews have an awful whole Shabbos and I'll tell you whether you believe in the Torah you don't believe in the Torah psychologically for a family one of the best things one of the best things for our marriage one of the best things for children they have they have their daddy and their mommy for 24 hours and they know nobody is looking to the stuff when I tell you whatever your feelings about religion and observance are pinko madness it's very very wise to just do that the Shabak experience of no cell phones having this dinner around the day the whole television off in the traditional way of Shabbos observance that psychologically sociologically brilliance will probably see many marriages and many holidays teenage kids no tinnitus I have my father tonight I have my mother tonight were forced to talk to each other because the television is off there are homes that TV is never off at dinner so the kid comes home from school father comes home you would think that your childhoods were precious to you then the television show and your child is but fast entertainment is very compelling so we've ignore what's more important and that's really one of the great great contributions and institutions of Shabbat that would be my response to your question some people compare marriage to a business partnership what's my take on that it depends from which angle you come from if you're coming from a dysfunctional place you're coming from a highly functional place which means relative to many marriages if a marriage would be like a business partnership it would be great at least two spaces trois at least is basic respect at least there's no hollering at each other if all the criterion criteria that is used for a business partner to the leaders for a marriage in many cases it's beautiful but compared to what a true marriage is capable of being a business partnership falls very short from it because a business partnership by definition is based on the fact that we are two separate individuals we just have a common interest it's called making money it's called growing this business and for that common interest we realized that we have to do things for each other I'm in the business you're in the business we both want this common goal and therefore we behave a certain way it's much better than an abusive marriage of course in a disrespectful marriage but really a marriage is far deeper than that a marriage in the Jewish perspective is the fusion of souls it's where two people not only have common interest and that is we have kids that we both like or we have a home that we both live in you know or we need that the same table so basically let's just behave towards each other but rather a real marriage is two souls become one in the Jewish tradition the Zohar which is the basic kabbalistic texts as husband and a wife become two halves of one soul that concept of fusion is what a real marriage is we're not just in a partnership because we have certain common interests but rather we are two people two souls two personalities and we have to remain two personalities because that's the beauty of marriage which actually congeal and become one a husband and a wife in the true definition of marriage what to see each other as one - and yet what our lives are one our values are one our mission statement is one our lives merge into a seamless whole I make me far away from my wife we may be involved at the moment of two very different things but we're still one in that difference in that sense it transcends a business partnership very significantly and very dramatically yes [Music] but if you're only focusing on the beautiful that's great somebody call me wants love this blinds and marriage and marriage you open your eyes somebody think Woody Allen's the great great master the great mystic what do y'all want before I was married before I was married I was incomplete now I got married and I'm finished max from a lovely young woman who's completely Rachel and her husband is Rachel so so you just like me my wife is also Rachel [Music] listen listen here's the deal people think being complete and finishing something is the same thing but completion and being finished is not the same thing if you marry the right woman you're complete if you marry the wrong woman you're finished what happens now what happens if the wrong woman who you married catches you with the right [Applause] Iraq of course play is beautiful but we sometimes need help to sit you're right in a case where the marriage is just one endless romantic symphony that begins and never ends awesome beautiful but as we know some people do have difficult moments some people have challenges some people go through difficult experiences to ignore that and just to say it's always beautiful for everybody it's not and sometimes life throws curveballs that make things not so beautiful and Leia personally have a lot of struggles in fact layers identify the couple as the ball Shuba Rahel as if sobbing you know Leia was supposed to marry you know that and Rachel was supposed to manage it that's why they were stronger when she's supposed to marry his son the reason it was marrying so because Jacob and ISA were like Rachel Malaya he struggled in the womb of his mother he struggled you know that it says the release when his mother would pass by retaking their centers he saw would gravitate there he struggled with idolatry from the womb whose choice was that not his the whom you don't make choices it was predetermined it was genetic some people often have to struggle with questions they have to struggle with emotions that destroy a certain mental challenges our job then then see the beauty within themselves see the holsters of themselves your the stuff I'm saying quit you wanna you want to travel with me all the slime Playa you describe preach your rights and I always hope you remain right okay anybody else perfect you're perfect the only time you made a mistake was a few years ago I think this thought you made a mistake or a mistake - any other questions always feel free to share there's no taboos and no one judges anybody else we're all the same boat well yes you regionally noted that the Toros you're suggesting the tourists teaching us about Rachel technically Jacob Maris for Darfur at the debate service but when later on if he there's going to acknowledge Leia as what he truly loves water etc technically doesn't because he ends up going to be less bed most the time and Ruben gets penalized for that because he moves the bed to hit what he thinks is the insult his mother and actually isn't he's looked at it's almost it says right disoriented to pick songs so technically he's still going through Rachel site because of the woman that he's with is Rachel's mater that's just a point well taken the truth is that blaze greatness is that there's always a little distance between her and Jacob that's what that's what creates Liam dishonest ahead there is a little distance sometimes distance is the way of the relationship that's really what makes layaway oh there's two journeys of mindless people who are close to God by being close to God and His people who are close to God by struggling with gods that's also a relationship they're fighting friends very nice one teammate okay we'll take a question because couples have to go home to discuss any let anybody through a question okay so yes yes haha so how do you make a roomful a Oh fine I do how do you make a little fillet out one is you buy your own one-way tickets how do you make a move for later you make a move for later bite the slating your own ego that's how you make one fillet you have to talk to your own ego and say this ego ego I know you love yourself so much and I love you too but you know what might hear ego you're not God I know you like to play God I know you think you're at the center of the universe and sometimes that's very good like when you want to get a job done you gotta feel that you've got God's power and you're at the center of the universe but in a relationship you have to realize that you could grow from another person's wisdom and depth because God didn't only create you in this world he also created someone else in this world and that means there is value in that purse last time when I was here two years ago when we dedicated when this building was dedicated I told you about a scene from a bodacious you remember a Monday is most entire symphony the Emperor of Austria and / exhausted to his dear he's tone deaf so what does he do during the concert he does what Jews do doing rabbi Sterling's most finishes the symphony and he walks by the Emperor and that door says Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart job well done but too many notes it's too warm and Mozart says nay nay or Majesty who was not a note too many which one do you suppose that cut a new composer knows that there is not a note to many in Kabbalah humanity is compared to musical notes every person constitutes an indispensable note of God symphony there is no missing though but there's also no extra notes and without that know the music is incomplete so I have to tell my ego I know you think you're at the center of the universe but there's really another person who's equally divine and whose presence can really enrich you and therefore listen listen don't fall asleep when your wife is listen and if you're resisting it and you're becoming tired which is little many men do because it's hard work on yourself don't if he doesn't like it you can come next work on yourself and let's not sometimes I have to say in all fairness to men because I don't have anything against men by the way some of them are very nice people in fact I'm also a man they're not also Vaseline they're very nice a lot of them sometimes men fall asleep when their women talk not for vicious reasons simply as a because one of the great dicover listed differences depending on where is that men are waffles and women are spaghetti which needs a waffle every waffle us all space spaghetti and he piece of spaghetti is injured with every one of these ha you see four men every issue reminder self-contained for women every issue when life is connected with every other issue in life so when women talk about life they don't talk about one problem they talk about many many issues when men talk about issues every problem has its own filing cabinets or folder and it doesn't touch the other folder but man's brain is made up like waffles with some a nursery every issue of man's brain has one folder for the car one father for the house we want to fall before the garage one folder for marriage one folder for the kids one folder for the job one folder for the mother-in-law one folder for the other and when there's a problem with one the man ghost is grainy opens up decks and when he opens it he makes sure not to touch he deals with it or usually doesn't deal with it puts the fact that the slowest of all that then goes to the next issue okay the most the most space in the man's brain is a big finding cabinet on it it says nothing that's what most men love if they wouldn't have to work for a living they would just hang out in that place place women their brain is not like waffles it's like the cyberspace [Music] they don't have a well we see nothing we nothing women don't know what nothing this is what do you mean life is always vibrant and alive with something going on every moment of the day in every spaghetti with a hundred thousand pieces of spaghetti so finally when you convince your husband to sit on your couch and not take a paper and listen to you he's really trying to listen but then the conversation starts so the beginning you talk about the dress that was ruined and the cleaner is it's $400 and the guy doesn't want to take it back okay so he has a mental note cleaners dress $400 as a mattress a big one after 11 seconds you go to the next the next topic of course is your kid doesn't like his teach okay the next topic is the leak in the room the driving you crazy so now we went from the close to the picture then you discussed cleaning help that you don't have so we went from close max from close then you go to your job then you discuss your mother and then your sister that departments then your brother-in-law and then this issue that issue then this manners and what he will come in by the time it's two and a half minutes you've been dealing with three nine topics by you it's one that's called life feeling emotion can this operate that way inspiring five minutes is now completely overwhelmed so you has a choice choice number one is a bullet through his brain which will have a husband and that is you're only by item 39 and your husband is stormy at that moment you get very offended he doesn't care about you know [Music] women instead two hours later do not talk you're already suspecting who knows what he has the poor guy doesn't know when to hit it white said but he can't articulate this cuz he's a man he's a waffle he knows about why he fell asleep really fell asleep cause he's madly in love with you and he wanted you to have a husband so my friend understand sometimes men fall asleep right they only know waffles that sometimes but other times you know you have to be able to laugh but you gotta be able to listen you say make space to lay out the gray is arguing with me again Wow she has that very enriching experience I saw the world from one way one way my wife sees the world another way let me listen let me try understand and make me ask the world in another way what that does to you is what it does for was an argument instead of it being a reason for annoyance and frustration it becomes something to look forward to an educational experience think about next time your spouse argues hold yourself together and say you know what I'm gonna utilize this as an opportunity to see life from another point of view and thus become a larger person till now I was a person limited by my own paradigms let me listen to how you look at the world and I will become larger than myself and that way you look forward to an argument and the argument becomes an exercise in real growth and when you do this continuously listen to the other person that you're trying to see life from their perspective things change but to be honest how many husband's really dedicate time to think about their wives as an independent person and what her needs are separate from them how many people really dedicate time not to think how to answer their wife how to get rid of guilts how to come up with a good excuse no they actually spend time just thinking about who their wife is as an independent person who she is what her emotions are what her needs are what her experience of life is and conversely women towards men that's a very enriching experience the same with your children by the way not just respond to you children when there's a crisis but actually sit down and think who your child is without a crisis no price everything is good who your child is what their meetings are what their strengths what weaknesses are what they can become in life what do you need to do to polish their diamonds so that it can go long this experience is how we train ourselves to be attentive to the other person and it's not always easy but this is the stuff of a relationship this is this challenge and this is the reward of a relationship let me take one last question if there is close it's late yes next after the husband tolerate his wife putting him down and from other people either way it's the wrong thing it's it's immoral and it's not the right thing either way not a why not a husband putting down his wife in front of other people not a wife putting on a husband that is it's an immoral thing in a marriage it's the wrong thing to do in fact in fact from a Jewish perspective when every year with a group of people and this is about me smash about business partnership this is the difference you are one with your spouse do not want with anybody else even your best friend is not your spouse and therefore if you have to make a choice between the dignity of the people around you and putting down your spouse in order to get respect from the people and you sacrifice your spouse because you want to find favor and other people from a Jewish perspective that is a form of divorce for example you're in a restaurant and the waiter brings our house and you're there with another few couples right and you're very polite and your etiquette is perfect your husband we know is clumsy and absent-minded and a little detached and the way that brings the soup and your husband takes the soup he's trying to be a mensch right and as he takes it he pours it right and the other woman who dressed up beautifully and not as hostile water it's very embarrassing right and the wife throws too all the guests and says he always does what did she do to protect herself she divorced herself from her husband and said he's an idiot he's a I know we all know she divorced herself her husband because it was very uncomfortable or the other way around the husband turns to the people and says that's my wife you know she has a bad temper she's really not gonna with stress he divorced himself with her to please the other people that in Judaism is unacceptable because your spouse always comes before anybody else in the world there's no one in the world who comes before your spouse not your business partner not your investor not even your very close girlfriend or boyfriend or your child your spouse comes first in the Jewish tradition before everybody else and therefore you don't sacrifice your spouse so that other people should like you that's a mistake and it's unacceptable that's in front of other people with each other with each other take the pot not it overs [Music] what about on your own on your own we also put down your stops you should give constructive criticism but not put them down if I tell my husband you're an idiot you're a I want to accomplish anything when he feels that I'm putting him down at our respective will just become defensive or if I tell my wife you know you're really horrible you've been possible what are you gaining you're just making her become defensive and you distancing yourself from her just like if you tell it to your child so even with each other privately you should have put down the other person you should tell the person there's something bothering me about your behavior there's something I think we can work on there's something I would like to help you there's talk to you privately so putting somebody now is usually never effective if I'm very very angry I can say that I can say you know I'm really really angry and a part of me wants to put you down but I know it's not the right thing but I have to tell you that I'm very angry that's why you expressing your emotion so putting people down you have to be careful with even with a stranger is there a point in putting something down what are you gonna gain you'll just make them become defensive but in front of other people a husband has to respect his life and a wife will to respect their husbands that's a continent that should never be breached and other people have to know that if people see you put down your wife and you put on your husband they will also put down your wife to you or put down your house to you and that's not acceptable it is unacceptable for a person to create any crack in the marriage for me to say anything that will make even a separation between a husband and wife is forbidden it's bad thing to do I'm not talking about if somebody comes to talk to me about Alan and we talk about but I'm talking about for me to make a comment to a wife Democratic our husbands even if it's true the kind maybe a Swami or Kannada often denigrating the wife is an absolutely unacceptable it's simply a morally wrong thing to do from a Jewish perspective and the for husband gets us when a wife doesn't he's right he's right about it it's a hurtful thing a wife must be very careful men are more sensitive than many women realize by the way you know one comment from a wife can drive a husband mad some women don't realize how powerful their words are when your husband comes home a nice words could turn his night into paradise a harsh word could drive them crazy women today often are so feministic they don't realize how much power they have over the men when women were more like women they knew that was a joystick they can save their husbands moves in three-and-a-half seconds with feminism they learned that they're just like men and they don't realize that they're more powerful than men and that's one of the problems of feminism feminism instead of elevating women's power decreases it because the old women used to know that with a simple combat they exchanged their other that's very fast because men are very or men are like something like babies you know you say something nice to them and they're like angels try it out your husband comes out for work give them a compliment before you tell them what a hard day you had for like 20 minutes nice things been unleashed [Music] 20 minutes you see them I promise you will under the table and Mopsy just tell them nice things tell them how handsome he is tell how much you appreciate his word just tell them they have to be real women don't realize the power when you say nice things to your husband that are genuine will be a very time will crawl and form like a horse do whatever you want with compliments but if when you come home with me like papa then just feel like a king how can you feel like a king by revolting by revolting you want me to do this no you you use my credit cards I bore heads you don't appreciate me I'm not doing anything but if cause he has to be a king but if you make him feel like a king most of them most of them are as long as a wife appreciate women have to realize their power women have to realize their power complimenting your husband every day very very good thing to do if it's a genuine compliment especially the way he dresses if he dresses nicely the way he looks men likely stuff the way he works is ethnics as values as commitments as sacrifices every day what are you doing [Music] [Applause] [Music] Cubans [Music] one o'clock she should call them and say my dear husband I so appreciate your hard work for the sake of me and the kids I miss I want to say hi I can't wait till you get all the taking I just want to tell you I really I really liked how you look this morning I thank you again for your work I don't want to waste your time I just want to wish you a great day by the you know what she hangs up the phone he's like what a wife I have and she's like what a husband I had and she asked her what are you doing this cuz she wanted to connect better but men don't know when it's not and the reason men feel that way is deep down every man feels like he was created from what from the first man so when you take Adam back to the source it feels like us and we take a woman back every man feels really liked us so when your wife says what are you doing what a man uses I'm doing nothing worthless dust I don't exist who is the world she speaks she is when I have 300 employees tell me what am i doing pina colada smoking Cuban cigars Boehner Mills bomb the meal so really she's trying to connect when she says what are you doing is just her way of saying let's talk I miss I'm wondering what you're involved but he doesn't understand that he fixed his challenging his right to live so what do you doing so many challenges your right to live one o'clock she's like darling how are you doing and he's like she wants to poison she wants to know if you feed a waffle before conversation doesn't help for the conversation well usually if he will be but not feed him enough that he falls to sleep and you hold it as a reward when he listens to the conversation is finished feeding I'm saying that food is important for survival and for concentration obviously one could make people tired but it's not the woman's responsibility to make sure that our husband doesn't fall sleep on she talks the hospital's responsibility and here we get into the issue of cold dependence a woman is not responsible for her husband's behavior husband is not responsible for his wife stay adults are responsible for their own behavior so every husband is accountable for what he has to do in the marriage and every wife is account of what she has to do with imagine and I can't live my life saying if only I will manipulate this and this and this and this and this I will get into new business this he gotta stand up to himself and I gotta sound to myself yes clever sometimes we have to use tactics sometimes but generally in my everyone is responsible for themselves a husband is responsible to listen to his wife and I'll fall asleep if that means that he has to eat let him go in the Sun there was a couple that the wife just hates cooking she's a little prima donna she liked cooking fine she constantly gets a little interesting questions I thought I know where you work there's a restaurant across the street before you leave work order dinner into your office he's like wow that's brilliant he was coming home every night upset that she didn't make dinner they gotta fight every night so what so you're not gonna be married anymore doesn't make dinner there's a restaurant across the street that's in there at 5 o'clock order more courses [Music] but you know what it works perfect these dinner every night this office situation you gotta know the reality you gotta make responsibility for it okay now Obama take one last question yes if Rachel is so beautiful doesn't it sort of bother her that she's really the second one and the first one that she's meeting for somebody who is already mean that's a lovely question you know according to tradition Rachel gave signs to Leia you know the story what happened was Jacob gave Rachel certain signs - a big signs to be able to identify her and when she saw what her father was doing that she couldn't resist it she didn't want her sister to be embarrassed so she gave those signs to her sister so that she shouldn't be embarrassed which means that really Rachel was extremely self-confident and extremely selfless to save her sister from the shame she gave up her signs so that was really the power of Rachel her kindness her grace was absolutely extraordinary that's on the literal level in the psychological and spiritual interpretation of the story it really works that way when you days you see Rachel when you get married you see Leia when you work on your marriage Yuri Manly Rachel again so that's really the process you date rachel then you discover later and then in the growth process you recreate a marriage with Rachel because as you said you find the beauty in life and then you create a second relationship that's based on maturity and honesty and suddenly Leigh and Rachel become one so in the psychological story it's Rachel Leia and then Rachel have a wonderful night a wonderful week and a beautiful relationship thank you [Applause]