Fundamentals of a Successful Marriage -- Episode 2: Q & A

the yeshiva dotnet what steps can a person take if they grow up in a home with a miserable marriage they don't want to replicate that model that's an important question it's a very good question all I could say is very bit kid sir know how difficult it is meaning instinctively you may do exactly what your father did but what your mother did or you'll go to the other extreme sometimes sometimes good and sometimes Mama's to the other extreme the best advice I can do is I could say is be aware of your patterns what almost watch yourself observe yourself because when you observe your patterns you're already in control of them you know the most powerful thing is when you could see and say wow look at my response remember if your parents had a miserable marriage a lot of things are instinctively ingrained in you like how do you respond almost not by choice it's almost like instinctive and that's why you're gonna need extra work but if you want a Mahad over I'm a Tiffany eruption if you couldn't become aware of it and share this with your spouse and you may share you know sometimes your wife says something and it triggers you you like you almost go crazy and it's really you're imagining that she's your mother she's your father that's what happened she said something you're not hearing your wife you're hearing your mother or your father and that's what you're responding from that's fine as long as you're aware of it if you're aware of it you can watch it you could control it you can even recite I told you you can hug it and respect it as I told you before and then you don't have to let it control it and the more you do that the more you'll be able to extricate yourself in that situation and create a different model for yourself so it takes work a lot of communication you may need some help from somebody which is perfectly fine as I told you before and the most important thing is that every day morning when you dominant Asham you should ask them for help today you should be able to have a marriage based on what's good and what's exciting and what's not going into the default mode of just fighting fighting all the time some people really don't know that marriages can be great they think that it's destined to be miserable and I feel very bad for that and it's not true you can have an awesome even the old marriage seminars will tell you all the problems but the truth is you talk about problems because you want we should be able to prevent ourselves from those problems marriage can be very very not could be it's supposed to be supposed to be the opposite of late I've another posted you were able to wake up in the morning and say thank God I have such a partner in my life when you go to sleep or you get up but sometimes we need to work so don't fear it you're not destined to have the same marriage like your parents with awareness and avoider and self-examination and communication you will be able to be aware of it and once you're aware of it you're good to go I'll mention something from Tonya what the Koyuk of herb a nanny he doesn't get rid of his no official Bahamas dr. Deborah says he has fakers in a muna sometimes pay the cop test yes my shove this of Neil that's pretty ugly period from Zion so what makes him obey nanny huh been beheaded maybe history says that what's the craic obey me one thing he knows where it's coming from that's it he knows where it's coming from it's not coming from my nephew Shelly kisses my nephew Chavo knows it's not coming from my wholesome self it's coming from my broken soul the moment you know that you were ready won most of the game because you could say it's coming from my broken soul and I don't want to go there I'm not gonna let my broken self define my marriage I will not the moment you have that awareness the problem is not that we have brokenness problem is when our brokenness becomes our wholesomeness problem is when you're thinking it's a hot is eh satire the problem is when I think my trauma is healthy you get it that's the problem when I know it's my trauma I have brokenness in me and I got a deal with okay welcome to the club Good Morning America we all do so what when you when you have that clarity where it's coming from then you could say and now I'm gonna choose to respond based on my values not based on my brokenness so that's what I would share with you very because they're our wives cannot take on responsibilities to make us happy and you're not responsible to make her happy we are responsible for our own lives but when we trust each other we make each other happy because I want to be here to support you and you want to be here to support me my wife cannot be my mother my wife is not my therapist my wife is not my mafia you're not your wife's therapist or mother or mafia she is her you are you and I have to take responsibility for my problems and you have take responsibility for your problems but what we can what we would come so close we're here for each other I want to support you I want to hear what's going on in your life you wonder what's going on in my life but it's not that she's responsible to fix my problems nobody can fix your problems how kobo daishi my inputs my ears shamaya you're the only one who could take stock of your life nobody nobody can live your life for you right that's it depends what the nature of the trauma if you're dealing with deep stuff from your childhood your spouse is gonna have to be there to support you if you don't feel that you have her support it's gonna be very frustrating and if she doesn't tell you she has your support is gonna be very frustrated she's not your therapist she should get into it based on how much she could be here for you and how much you can be here for there's certain things that what do they say it's not might was above my pay grade you know sometimes you're hormonal it's lon there are women who were raped okay there are boys who were rain but it creates parable tell me you're not gonna be able I don't mean nobody should have to deal with this but I deal with it with people you need pop top specialists there's a real serious issues you have people and this is a very serious issue have mental illness mental illness is a different category although all the seminars workshops she Odom go out into the garbage so somebody's sick they're sick you know what I mean if we're but somebody has a broken leg and I can give here nine hours of lectures had it wrong right and we start running but person has a broken leg you could lecture from today till tomorrow a person is sick or person has a very serious problem all the lectures are meaningless and you have to know this with yourself also sometimes you software things from childhood or adulthood and you have problem and no lectures in the world will help you could be with the best people they'll give you the most brilliant advice if your leg is broken you'd like it but this is how you run there's no leg for heaven's sake it's not about lecture it's about the very deep issues and you have just have to be aware of this this is true with mental illness with true sometimes with very serious challenges we cannot always deal with it on our own sometimes you need real help for this but and if there is hospital a mental illness mental illness is serious borderline personality bipolar order I don't know if you're familiar clinical depression these are serious situations that people laugh the worst thing is to blame yourself it's not your fault I'm like if you're gonna be nice and if you grew up in a family with somebody with mental illness you know they may be the best people in the world but they have a chemical imbalance or a serious thing and you cannot take responsibility for somebody else's illness you could be here than that but they have to be here for themselves and the best thing people can do is say I have a problem I'm in a lot a lot of pain and it's not my husband's fault or it's not my wife's guilt the moment I'm sick and I blame my husband and my wife I become sick the moment I'm sick and I say I'm sick I need the help and my husband is not the guilty one then there's hope there's only hope when you do some ocula when I can take responsibility for my mess for my illness or whatever the situation I'm dealing with that's a very good question so you have to tread very careful if you are suspicious of a mental illness yeah you may want to deal with it but you just have to know what's going on it's very important to get full information full disclosure in terms of a psychiatrist that they if they have to see in or medications they're taking you may decide to go with it remember are people mentally ill people sometimes have the greatest nationís in the world should just know that but it's a serious challenge you have to do a lot of research before you meet it's important it's important families to do research if you have family support and if there is something it's important to find out the psychiatric diagnosis the psychological diagnosis the types of medications the incidents that occur it just to be informed and then you could make a mature decision there are people with mental illness who go to therapy every week who go to psychiatrists who take their stuff that they have to take who exercise who deal with it and they're unbelievable people like some of the most creative people it comes a lot of times lol maza you know God doesn't give anybody anybody free lunch in this world is L homas that comes with a Peckham so it's it's but it's important to be informed and there's a famous book called walking on eggshells there's basically later stages and marriages husbands who found themselves walking on eggshells whatever they did their wives exploded or whatever the wife did the Mannix book there was a mental illness called burden for the one personality when people are seeing patterns that I could never please you and I do one mistake and I'm like I'm like the worst criminal in the world there's something wrong there's something off it's like something old now it could be person was not mental illness it you know a woman who was raped I know a woman she was raped by her father a real monster and every time her husband took off his belt to get you know to take off his clothes isn't she went crazy if she didn't see her husband taking off her belt she was preparing for her father doing what he did you understand her husband didn't know this imagine he's taking off his belt at night to go to picking suspense and his wife goes blank and freaks out that runs out of the room so right out of obviously this is not a regular disagreement you know it's it's this something serious going on we just have to take in all of these things and be very aware of course you always want to know before these types of started cuz afterwards you know it's sometimes much more difficult especially there's a child these types of things you want to know before and they're serious there every things are treatable people can deal with challenges some gives people color they were found it you just have to make mature very serious decisions about this here's another question we often speak about the importance of solemn bias the importance of love language what happens when two spouses relate to very different love languages what speaks to one doesn't speak to the other one feels closed when going for a walk and spending time doesn't enjoy physical touch your gift the other enjoys the latter what is the key to bridging the gap between giving your spouse what they need in the relationship to feel fulfilled and making sure you need are met in caring in a compassionate way I apologize for the one question but want to make sure it's understood but that's the first sign that you're good to ever ask this question thanks so much for making this program a reality you're welcome the answer is your question is your answer that's easy connect I love languages are different some of us love words of affirmation I'm sure some of you sitting in this room it means a lot to you when somebody complements you some of us don't care much about that but we love spending time we love gifts we love acts of sacrifice we love touch acts of service etc that's the important the important thing is learning about the other person's love language and being there for them precisely couldn't wrap your on love language so let's take an example of taking walks spending time and taking a walk is something many many women cherish tremendously remember you may be lucky and your collar may have ball of languages which will give you a lot of avoidance or may have all father may have two or three but they let's take an example of taking walks there's usually one over the parties that love spending time and that becomes a very important beautiful aspect of a marriage you should be taking a walk once a day or three times a week of what times a week for 45 minutes without a phone very very important to spend time by the way not only mid/side love languages especially the first few years but always you need to put oil into the midnight every day and every hour you have to spend time with each other not have to you want to spend time with each other spending time does not mean shopping even though that's also spending time so any time is not Costco and Home Depot spending time is not going to the cleaners and doing an error even though that's spending time for men that's called spending time with each other for women that usually doesn't count because it's a different that's a different language usually but spending time is very important it's a very good idea to take walks as often as possible I would say once a day twice a day first of all it's good for the exercise of metabolism and the body but don't take your phone with you unless it's an emergency urgent they can even be in 40 minutes 30 minutes 45 minutes and don't speak necessarily about practical things just you connect your Shmuel is about life like like two friends you can speak about the weather you could speak about the outdoors you can speak about whatever you want but it's just like connecting and generally I would I would suggest this very very strongly cuz it's that way you get to know each other you connect and by the way even deep into your marriage years from now you'll both be busy very busy and the base varsham have big beautiful mesh pockets it's critical that a couple spend time with each other just to ear things out just to connect just to bond remember what I'm telling you people may not tell this to you five years ten years twenty years three times a week forty minutes thirty minutes 50 minutes without the phone or then it's not gonna be a phone anymore without the robot in your pocket we without the private jet in your pocket that helps you fly leave that at home and just take a Walkman this is I'm talking in a couple of years yeah I mean you pocket something you'll press it and you'll fly and you'll go to your show line for a day and you'll come back so sit there just also this partial masala rotters maybe that's the shot whoops so I would say that a genuine languages of what you don't have to have the same language of love that's what you're told what do you appreciate what type of touch do you appreciate what type of physical touch they appreciate learn about the other person and try to nurture it that could be very very meaningful and if you make mistakes that's also fun you learn you learn from mistakes how does one handle deep see the differences of opinion because we have different upbringings issues I thought where mine or footnotes have ballooned into much bigger problems and despite my best efforts to minimize them they keep on coming up context the first time I've ever heard of anti-vaccination movement was my wife and her family they're big proponents of anti vaccines many of other alternative medicines I grew up with a much stronger belief in modern medicine I also had a serious illness as a teenager and was saved by cutting-edge medicine that's a good question that's a very good question my answer to you is back to a Zika negative right you have to learn how to live with your differences this is part of marriage there will be different opinions and this is where the art of compromise comes in you need to educate yourself with the other person's of you they have to educate yourself with you of you without demonizing them right what's one of the values of learning tomorrow for 17 years is learn how to constantly disagree without demonizing each other you ever saw a bi you turn together and say you're such a meshugganah you're such a sick person for holding that you shall i'ma das yeah has this Hagedorn you ever saw yeah the abusive turning to the precious and say your mama sh a criminal and epic itis a creeper the Inca who trained you you have this way even based hillo tend to be Shama and say you're the despicable people of the Jewish world never they argue about out there Isis the Lebanon chorus arise mr. pedesta Mayan serious things but always with respect doctor with you I will fight you that's what you learned 70 why do you learn this for 17 years you should be able to get married every page how many debates on there non-stop why you could learn to debate with respect how limits coos don't attribute to your spouse bad motives I don't have to think my wife is on mashugana that's a great err a coiler nephesh a narcissist with acid raita mother and father and my father just because they have very different opinions about things instead you may be right it may be wrong it may be 50 percent learn about another person learn their views and they have to learn about your view and then you learn to come as its argument gonna come up sometimes way to send the kids to school whether to stay on this lifts or not to stay on that's less what type of house to live in which community to live in what to do with a child who may have a certain situation right to go this way to go that way vaccinations very good question I'm not here to give up socket in on any of this and say you're right your wife is right because it happens constantly in a huff in a thousand cases educate yourself about the other opinion shear and together you come to some type of conclusion which usually entails some compromise sometimes it's curly at America's are a snob Michaela sometimes not the Gemara set him up amid SIA the rebel used to write in letters that Miller the alma right middle of the alma but that if cloudlets could I to listen to the wife start to fight about colors of couches and wallpaper and what the apartment should look like it's the pastor's firing the man you have to learn how to compromise but here you're dealing with a serious issue like the medical situation of your child you have to really now you have to understand one thing when it comes to medicine a mother experiences the brunt of a child's health mothers and children have a connection that is as you know from the old mother she still thinks you're in her womb which is probably texting you you know how you doing my baby and vocal even fully so mothers and children are very very close and even if they're far and they have issues is because they're so close so it's just with a mother it's very very sensitive so even though you believe in conventional medicine and conventional medicine saved your life it's just important just to Bheema bottle her and her whole family I don't think is gonna be effective for your Sholem bias but you should share with your wife your opinions of conventional medicine you should share with your wife how it saved your life and generally I think everybody can understand that the pro vaccine camp and the anti vaccine camp went a little far in this whole debate meaning to say that vaccine is the greatest evil that ever happened to society there's a us was it saved and saved millions of lives we know that people are not dying today at 40 and most kids are surviving child on the other hand and I'm saying this from a very big doctor who doesn't who's very very objective he said on the other hand vaccination has to be done with responsibility when somebody denies that there's ever ever a negative effect it's possible there's a need to be sensitive what the child is so the best thing is to be able to have one or two doctors or physicians or healers who you trust who are real experts and you come to some type of a macabre you know remember this vaccinating slow.this vaccinating not all the vaccines with us are cos there's some vaccines that are not as critical and necessary as other vaccines holy moley there's ways of dealing with it these are things you work out together in a respectful in a respectful way and it's just a ligament for many others yeah some some mother's will some wives will tell their husbands on my dead body on my dead body and and this is where this is where we need tighter this is what we need tighter sometimes our mother will set my dead body this will not be happening to my child right okay if the mother has hospital woman illness these type michiga then there's a different answer that has to be dealt with but if you're dealing with a [ __ ] you say redic a mother who has a mahalo who has mysterious nefesh for her children who's a smart cookie like many women right in many many of the cases unless it's an issue of the cosna flesh I think it's important for husbands to very much respect their wives again if she's a crazy woman kalila and she's just abusive not the mother but the mother who takes care of her kids and she runs a house and the kids are taken care of and she's remembered they're there with their kids 24 hours a day emotionally and physically and they have a mahalo and they have a perspective and they're responsible so there's no need to get a get for this that's my point sometimes you have to say you know what just like in Miller the Alma these things can Center the health of children usually a mother comes first again unless there's a serious situation of the Kawashima fish or a serious defiance of real medical advice and so forth but sometimes you have to know when to back off there's nobody what are you gonna do you gonna get a get for this it's gonna be much more damaging for children to grow up in a home where the parents are killing each other and to grow up in the home with the parents are respectful of each other but there's a house where the father and mother are living in two separate worlds it's really really not good for a child you just know that it's very very special for a child very important to grow but I'm even in this a disagreement but there's this connection they feel that father and mother on this because if not they feed off a lot of problems that children have is the subconscious hate that their parents have to each other you should know that sometimes para kids will hate a father because the mother hates them subconsciously without hate a mother because the party hates guns and they're cleaning off of it so it's much more important to have some type of actives even if it's it's not so easy to get there then to fight in the name of camos when it comes to questions like the mood file I don't know how to answer it better than saying the parents have to each discuss their opinions with somebody with with each other and reach some type of conclusion and compromise and come to the same page if they can't do it on their own they have to choose a third person or two people who they trust a rough or Rebbetzin a mafia a therapist a thinker somebody that they both respect somebody who and they could discuss it with it to discuss it with a person like how man you still if there's mama she nobody in the world that they can discuss it with that would be very strange and and if you're dealing with two healthy people they can each bring up their perspective why do you think this school would be better for your kids yeah is it a psychological issue is it an emotional issue you have to go and get the help you need for this child and figure out what would be the best thing and then ultimately listen to your own soul to your own dashana and just really feel what's better for a child but it's very very often when it comes to children mothers have a very acute feeling of what children need and it has to be respected very deeply what are they used to say mama knows best not always but very often the mama you know mothers are just very sensitive to their children's needs and if they're normal and healthy people they should all can follow their instincts they may know things and even if everybody's as ned's fine i see if constantly mothers say you know this school is not good for my kid they pull them out and it turns out the kids really did they were right are they always right know that always right but generally you have to take very serious very serious feeling an opinion of a mother who's healthy and cares cares about her child in my opinion my wife may disagree but I've heard from a respected must be Arab a manis Friedman as well as other experienced married men that the healthy is the most successful relationships with a man in the women's roles are extreme and face value a man is only a much SPEA not amicable at all a woman is only amicable not Amish beyond all these extremes roles would dictate how they practically relate and act within another I was under the impression that a man is generally a must fear but sometimes on the kabbala woman is gender macabre Saunders Omar Sofia the latter seems like a far more healthy relationship a more accurate understanding of practical Exodus which is correct I've heard from rabbi manis Friedman also but the way we conduct ourselves during conception in the bedroom the direct relationship on the psychological and spiritual health of the children dilution that comes from it to the point where this should result in practical anxiety and fear regarding intimacy that we do it according to Locke and Kabbalah isn't this about conception supposed to be more theoretical than practical wouldn't this be a very unhealthy mindset to have around intimacy yeah ok I I can't take responsibility for other people say I don't know exactly what they said so you know when it comes to quotes whatever they said they said I don't know what they meant what they employed sometimes things are taken out of context I think when we speak about a husband as a mush Vienna Mocambo there's no such a thing you're only a much bigger on the hammock Apple there's no source for that anywhere every mush fears on the cobble every metabolism a sphere even your Mocambo sometimes by being much fear huh and you must be as sometimes by being in the cobble besides the fact that everyone is always an introducer this is Carlos right there's no mush P is also my cobble know couple so much everyone gives and everybody thinks the question is as you're right is what's your central role I think at least on one dimension the idea of Maruyama Kabul is a woman loves women like and respect very much men who are leaders men who are masculine meaning you take a stand you're a leader you make decisions you own your life you take responsibility and you you protect your wife you know how men in the olden days you protect your wife like a lion protects the territory women cherish that men who are not necessarily aggressive in a in a negative way men who are men you know they're not spineless indecisive spotters even simple examples your wife should never wake up before you in the morning you gotta be up you gotta see up there's no such a thing she wakes up six o'clock to go teach in a preschool in Long Island and do crafts O'Connor is 10:30 then you check the websites for two hours they're not game in a mikveh yeah then you go to Mermelstein for lunch and then you go to the last minion for chakra at 2:30 afternoon and then you come home for her dinner right and then seven o'clock she's like I'm so tired you're like why you're tired you just came out you just finished chakras just a minute time wait that's not a mela that's not a prince this is a lady game yeah that's not a much spear that's an I must be a teacher my fear doesn't come late to the class and then sits on the floor you take responsibility you take a stand and your dear talk to your present Hashem made that a woman has a wrath Hemmer womb and that womb every month creates a uterus a Kayleigh for a baby if a baby comes in great and if a baby doesn't come in the Kayleigh dissolves and it bleeds that's Dom Neda why is there Dominique there cuz every month the uterus forms to hold the baby if it doesn't happen for whatever reason maybe she's not married or even if she is married it dissolves and breaks because there's no baby and the blood comes out that's dominators Roth rectum moon comes from with radical compassion that's the Makabe but [ __ ] when it says it says this a woman is I'm a capitalist by the person that Zyliss it's very practical she's of a couple she's waiting and the husband builds that up I mean spiritually I don't mean you become the baby and then they wrap them although that sometimes happens you want to be the baby but you you grow up now let me tell you something in life very interesting thing some of you may relate to this in an interesting way sometimes a teach I could say this as a teacher as a teacher shows up and I'm pumped up I have my shear I have my message and I'm ready there's nobody there or even if they're there they're texting even if they're text they're not texting they're sleeping and even they're not sleeping that chewing gum right and I'm frustrated why cause it's like I have what to give nobody showed up me so I go home and the milk is spilling for more sides cuz nobody came to get it that's painful but there's something much more painful what's more painful the student shows up and he creates a referent he empties himself out from everything and he's open to hear and open means he was my bottle he took everything out of his system just to hear and who doesn't show up the teacher doesn't show that's much more painful you know why because what happens when the student doesn't show up for me I'm frustrated because it's all inside I didn't have an opportunity to give it but there was no mystery Stephan I go home I'm frustrated eat some carbs and go to sleep stick fine tomorrow will be a better day when the student comes and empty everything out that's an a good atmosphere for a little why cuz I was trusting you and you didn't show up you know what that feels like feels like death that's too much Linda seven days it's like two must make seven days very deep Tomas Mesa nobody you understand that's must be amicable much fear means you need a fill your wife filled her with what with your presence when your wife has pain Maya's difficulty be there when you give your wife a hug physically or emotionally that's what you're doing you're carrying her you're killing her and a real wife the Kumari says aim is shut choruses bris Ella Lamesa saw Kelly a woman makes a covenant of wrists she gives herself over to the personal made her a Caylee meaning to the person who Asia sand or Ranbir is shown to the frisbee intimacy which breaks to be solo and makes makes Eric Haley to be able to have a child there's a Christmas Buddhist fascinating kazaaam what does this mean in release Amash fear means a woman is gonna if you are a real husband she will be a real life a real life will open herself up and there will be an emptiness waiting for you to take charge and fill it don't drop the ball don't run away you may have difficulty you may have pain you could share that but don't run away to China emotionally that's the idea of must be I'm a couple I don't think it means that you're not a Makabe a husband or wife once came to me and what's the problem the problem is he never listens to her I tell him why I asked him why he says because it doesn't super much fear she's Amitabha look at must be Elizabeth I'm acaba I'm like oh em gee I must be is a deeper Makabe than amicable how much Rhea mean you tuned in for the cobble him a deeper Makabe Makabe you you fill her up means you you make her your make her feel she's not alone you make her feel she's not alone there's somebody here there's somebody with her eat my own ice lipid Sara I'm with you you're not alone that's the acre and it expresses itself in everything this president offered money the rest of solvent axilla it expressed itself in a flower it doesn't express itself in buying an extra piece of schnitzel for her that works for Bach I was thinking about you I brought snips for us yeah it's little potato cooker that's called thinking about me she's not gonna appreciation it's better one little piece of chocolate than 20 schnitzel on because they have too much oil in that your second question about intimacy is caste Vishal won that in the bedroom you should be anxious and overwhelmed that you're not doing it right and your kids are gonna be ruined it's the opposite of everything you described ones that a husband and a wife should enjoy themselves in real Kamiya's and in Kashmir in simple English you have to be able to have a great time together this is not bad this is Holi Iran ban says it's coitus condition of your district it's a sacred thing it's a whole reasoning the specifics you may want to sometimes talk to somebody about it you'll figure it out with each other you sometimes experiment you talk about it that's where trust comes in but it is very very crucial it's the glue of a marriage the private time you have together it's the glue it's supposed to be enjoyable exciting fun uplifting it's a very special time no need for anxiety God is not a sadist don't worry about it you're gonna have beautiful children and halakhah is not about destroying sexuality a lot there's about maximizing sexuality making sure it's real is deep its internal it's eternal so the law doesn't come and say okay let's ruin their lives as much as possible we can I really mix in and really destroy this it's like too much fun in Judaism it's the opposite and they hug the ball and shall Canara about intimacy is for one reason in a violin if the strings are not tied no music whenever there's a limit in Halawa simply to bring out a deeper enjoyment a deeper relationship including Paris Amish mafia including mikvah including the separation during the the menstruation and doing Dom needed that I spoke about there somebody's frustrating you come home you frustrated that's true but if you have a little bit longer vision you'll see the benefits for intimacy now very important there's a difference between hawlucha min hague homra and mishegoss okay not everybody has to do every minute when you have a constant teacher a collar teacher it's important to know what's how long huh and what's a minute of some people not everybody is ready for minnehonka I'm sorry much more important for me for Hashem I think that a fussing Acala have a good relationship and exciting time that they follow every minute at every home run you have to be ready for Congress if a homer is taken away from the marriage it's not a woman that you want to do you all know that Evers finish why Yaakov didn't marry - so why active could marry two sisters even though he did the whole Tyler you know they'd ever see this because the stickers tailor care you don't know oh so it's for marriage because he promised Rocco watch he's gonna marry her to violate a promise could go into one of the seven [ __ ] when Aniyah not to marry two sisters before Martin planer is a homer you can do your own cumbria on somebody else's casually Thanks you know what a married to system before Martin platicas update but you can ruin a woman's life because of it you have to know the difference there's a hollow cut you know the stay with the Freda could happen with this boy dick also give all dick for marriage once upstairs in 770 there was a year he was not a hobbit scare and he dipped the matzah into into borscht into borscht you know the boy was soy you know when little Bobby just Iike Brooks what happen cardiac arrest right so they like go crazy the boxes they were screaming at the poor guy so the freak I've asked such small of it and my uncle was took took Darden what's the panic over there he finds out and he said the guy dip they've been parched so they said they're giving him a hammock so dilemma that I had said the new dish bested our item at Servier a component much better a red matzah than a red face now this doesn't mean that a costed is not missing aprox a constant is very nizzle in the brachot but it means you have to have saved whole you gotta have perspective you don't know amalgamation I read it but I'm mainly hey look you don't think you have a good brush in the helical Olam haba sorry you don't say that you understand yet that perspective in marriage now that don't you brush the water your concert well today is my minute you don't eat your breakfast not a question but that mmm selves the best Saturday in two months we hurried upon them that's it you can embarrass the guy and make him feel like like a minute left I can assure you sir oh so very important in the bedroom there's halacha what toyota says yeah what toyota says not that you don't compromise you don't come because that's negative for everything that's negiah for your own happiness also not just in myeloma Bernie Loomis this man hug him this home rest astonished Agustin it's important to know it's important to know generally the ha'la'tha allows most things how locker allows most things you know why God wants couples to have a very very happy time together there's no need for any anxiety you follow what Tyler says and you're here to make your wife happy she's there to make you happy you'll have beautiful children they say I write them matzah we are right opponent what does our sham do for Shaolin by a site er remember a shame ninja'd know is that oxidation thing they erase a name it's worse than your brackets because that fame is a serious issue understand now I'm not saying to break hello I'm not saying that's not gonna be helpful for the marriage to break how long say yeah she's an eater who cares you don't do that you're not doing anybody a favor and not her not yourself now it may be fun but already tomorrow you're gonna regret it but there's a difference between a mr. Curtis and a Cumbre or a minute big difference a minute by definition is something you embrace with love not with force that's the whole you side of a minute right you're showing them it says vinegar salt or who placed assessment office it also says many guys use Gehenna which one true depends if it's my minute of your Minich butts mine when he gets tired if it's your wife's miniguns Gannon the truth is it depends what it's on what type of minute it's a minute to get close to Tasha and closer to another person it's tighter and if it's a minute to become OCD and become more miserable and make everybody miserable then you're already in ganna min hey I see is Gannon minute gay Henin back to what I started with an Easter Roth ashamed immke class has been solemnly that's how welcome how did itself says that look this week last week I am told there solder something that wasn't completely true right why Curtis said my husband is an old man a sham said what I'm an old man with near solemn we are very sensitive to solemn bias yes but that doesn't mean that if your wife doesn't know my man doesn't want to be kept on tiresome exposure so you say you need that hair did I hand Shaolin by is that's not gonna be somebody's it's like pouring kerosene on a fire because oh there's liquid liquid I beats liquid I'm gonna help the fight a wife lost a loved one and it's during the time of our caucus is it okay to hug her and put a hand around her this question you bring up with your personal a competent Orthodox rabbi generally speaking I'll just say if you have a good relationship with your spouse it doesn't start when she loses a loved one there's a good relationship and then usually every man and woman if they have up this is your show man they'll understand but generally speaking when you have a relationship so then I know but your mother a woman is giving birth it's very nice to hug her then but right it doesn't work years shamayim helps a marriage very much you know why because when you respect God you respect each other and you also have respect for something that transcends yourselves you respect the marriage why does a secular world have so many divorces why is that 50% of wasn't a secular some place is 80 some places 50 60 why isn't it's just because women are afraid to get divorced it just because men are afraid to get the voice because stigma so it should be a smaller percent maybe but not such a big disparity so people always say it because women are terrified in your communities come on you know the women there's a reason for it the reason is because when you grow up with Yiddish fact marriage is sacred that's a Yiddish a sight marriage is wholly Scottish the duction sometimes does it come to an end yeah but its code is Kadosh you have mysterious language from Eric its highest production we respect the institution of marriage absolutely unequivocally as a divine institution something holy when I see you if somebody's calling you and I go in and then you're Miller's finestra I don't stop you I wait till you finish monaster why cause you're talking to God they don't stop you when you see a couple connecting to each other interfering them is like interference vanastra something sacred that's why it's very important than not into somebody that can affect their marriage negatively be very careful which by the way just advice never speak to your wife against her parents even if you really don't like that I'll talk I've it's true see and your mother says my mother is a weirdo so you're like yeah tell me about it beyond the we're mama she cannot say she said whatever tomorrow she's still your mother's mother your wife's mother she's not yours just be careful support your wife but don't like you know even if you have issues they said they respect there was a kind home I don't know if that's really what she wants to do she knows your mother much better than you she knows your mom look much better than you that depends on context you want to support her sometimes you have to ask your wife sometime the challenging question you know maybe you could look at it this way you know just do it with it um do it with sensitivity remember there may be issues in her and a mother that are deep resent what you may imagine yeah no it says entire baited base that comes from Kabbalah the marsh Chaves of parents have an effect on dilution Dalton episode not on the neshamah but on dilution so that means that what should your mother's be your myself it should be I really appreciate this woman I really appreciate this man I want to connect to this person and that's a beautiful thing when a couple is enjoying each other that is kedusha that's my point those are unbelievable my Chaves that is what is discussed tooted you know the different in yharnam that I discussed about the Mushaf is done but don't think kedusha means that you're not thinking about your wife people think kedusha means yeah you close your eyes you start thinking about a fabrini and Thursday night with egg salad what they were talking about something a pom you love it you see a lie that's how I started to share the tap the taboo is a healthy element and an unhealthy element kynesha kadosh and nobody went into it's a secret but it's not a bad secret it's a good secret not because we're embarrassed because it's too holy you don't go into kind of shock emotional intimacy is sacred we don't speak about not because we're ashamed that's the mistake of people there's two types of taboos in life we don't go there you know we talk about option kugel and then there's in unum that are just very deep their secrets pet so it's like why it says Kabbalah wasn't revealed Valtor never speaks about the Evan right there the gem and the stone of the King that wasn't this generation er was robbed then and given in other words intimacy is so sacred it's so mysterious it's it's not meant to be a radio show it's not meant to be a public conversation not because we're embarrassed but because it takes away its power the power is privacy exclusivity it's clay - a Kardashian the coin gobble goes there that's the idea people misunderstand it and think it's taboo because it's like it's really bad stuff but men are never animals so my god okay be an animal for five minutes and then become a mensch that's a Christian concept that's a Christian concept that's not a Jewish concept the Gemara misete the Broca's strange story but you could look it up the Kahana decided that he has to see how ralph behave and he hid under the bed and he saw that their arm had it was a very enjoyable time like I was the cuddle hard or something cont'd or he'd like it was leopard they comprised he finishes he comes out of the bed very nice that what are you doing here you know what the answers might have been totally evil little man I need sorry nobody wants to teach us whoever I will talk to taboo taboo taboo taboo stop sudhish my druid come on tell the story I asked you first of all he's saying Tyree he there's no hay lit by us that's not part of theta it's not like painted fool Babinec learning the English had everything a spider a mate Malvado sexuality has title of the spider intimacy is paid a romance the spider roses the spider having the good time out - spider that's the whole you side of everything I Shem is not a person to heaven godliness is everything who does that mean depends on how you look at it that's the first second you said is what's the tailor faders that round had a very very meaningful inspiring time why because he was such a topic the greatest the great hidden who are more more Jewish have a better time in the bedroom than people or not you know that much better I'm telling you I'm welcome to I've been around the block people who work he'll use the barber to find people who are auditioning them other people who have other such them Abbess of Toyota average destroy your show my and have a better time in the bedroom than other people because there's two types of bedroom experiences one is I want one thing and one thing only it's called physical pleasure how long does that last for not very long when you really connect it to somebody when you trust it when you trust somebody then it's physical its spiritual it's emotional its psychological two people become one the pleasure is not like this it's ongoing it builds on itself it continues by day it continues by night it's a holistic experience as I said before the more bitl you have the more connection you can have to another person the more the more engaging it is also the more truster is when a woman doesn't trust her husband fully he's not gonna be able to have a good time you know that she will not relax she's gonna be tense and it drives men crazy how does a woman trust her husband women trust husbands who you could trust what type of husband can you really trust a husband who has the area shamaya can trust men otherwise you know that no this is this is very very serious stuff from telling a very deep spot doesn't tell her that there's two ways of relating Tasha pawn them deponent and acaba hat Ponte Ponte means face to face after talking means back to back and explains in life you could see kaduche in everything you could find Hashem in everything that's the whole system's the whole you and then you could just be like a robot you put on tefillin but you're not excited you don't have an exciting relationship that's acaba like it's like you're connected to your why be not interested we don't care Emile takes three minutes you're not interested you put on till the next as normal and then he speaks about intimacy he's there's not like those people who think that it's a disgusting thing that can happen in a moment no it's a toast da word God Lulu LaMotta Magan lamella intimacy is an awesome thing down here and even lamella in although the higher spiritual worlds that evolved occur thing and there was a ye'd who wrote to that ever that he stopped having intimacy with his wife because he wants more conditioner that every road I ain't either oh that's a big ballad what it is not only LaMotta but also love ila that might be used when I saw their aunt I knew the mindmap because I taught the mind man I'm like wow they never knew Tyler and the quiddity episode a mission take away like actually a co-partner then he goes on Elam perhaps leader kilo company [ __ ] so what he's schizophrenia like a demon forces you but this is how you have to understand all these my mother and it's often misunderstood kela Capri shed means then he says this kedusha everything and then he says kilo Capri shed the shop is shaft is like this what does the word kill the coffee chef you'll accomplish that literally means a Shepherd or a shed poor system so what's that supposed to mean so you should walk in and you should call your wife a shed yeah hey you should say since you like a shed then you're forcing me what's the harm under here we can learn what like what how are people even explaining how would people even understanding it anything that's a recipe for someone by the Trinity to good children the word is Punk'd by Kent the word is that it's so holy it's so holy it's so sacred it's so beautiful the fact that a person can have sometimes an onion of selfishness that comes into the picture action became official with somebody that once went on slippers so you asked it ever that he has a big ego he's afraid that the ego is gonna become bigger so the rebus said so smitten em and they ate Sahara slippers take with th so her arms lift I don't want you to do things that you hate take with it's fun it's a lot a little game every person in this room is tigrerra it could be with your spouse there's an element of holiness of idealism of positive employment of holy employment that I'm bound suspenders Kardashian there's also another element there's also another component that could could get mixed in so it in a worked out person a worked out person that element he says he'll accomplish but not that the whole engine is a negative million he's not contradicting himself in the mind is it okay for Alibaba to date a girl from an omelet Babbage background for example of a Stockholm girl it's a very good question my answer is gonna be very brief and straight in principle it's it's okay in fact after the war almost everybody did that but one has to know the boy and the girl well before giving an opinion about this in other words so many factors have to be taken into consideration just to say it's a good idea or a bad idea it's a very foolish answer like you have to know the boy you have to know the girl their background where they're coming from what their views are it's just to give a general answer I don't think it's the sphere and it's very vital that the two people share values and they share priorities and also personal chemistry and they have to be on a similar page when it comes to vital things in life like children and living and style of living and type of home and even questions of small questions but they could turn into big pikes I'll give two examples is the family going to the oil on a river she shot at an example for one person absolutely all the kids are going the other person says no their their mother why that could become a book man whose pictures are on the wall I know of a couple that's upon his story he's she's Alabama he's not but she was very very not Labov it you know she like left and he put out a picture of the wall of a certain Russia Shiva okay I'm not gonna give me he put on the wall go to him and see you know you know Labov it's as high as they are sitting things you trigger them and they'll kill you right so she freaked she freaked I'm getting bored they came to me / not these are small things in life but that would be my advice that you have to really pick what about Pesach what about Matt Hagen what about two rocks I don't know there's so many things we've something you can stab what type of school you sending them these things really have to be discussed because if not it could be very very divisive for Alabama sure there may be straight values that are very precious then he may want secular people at his Shabbos take his wife may say I don't want ever a secular I'm just giving an example these things can become very device right you may want a certain type of school there's a lot I don't want this school and then it becomes big fights so what you don't need this so you follow we want to make sure that there is an understanding of who you are what's precious to you right how much is the rubber and Chabad gonna play a role in the kid's life in the Shabbos table for you it may be critical for her it may not be critical she may not be against it but these are all things that just have to be taken I think into consideration it's very important you don't to get into a situation you know what happens while hostile intermarriages got married Jews Jews married [ __ ] they do it in their 20s or their stories they don't think about their children suddenly he wants the Bat Mitzvah style right and she's like what are we going to create you know we're baptizing him and they don't realize how important these things were but later it becomes so divisive I don't mean to compare but you get my point I don't mean I don't mean says we show them to compare I'm just bringing out to okay I think my time is up right welcome this class is brought to you by the achieve Annette please help us continue the classes make even a small contribution at triple w dot a yeshiva net slash donate