Rabbi YY Jacobson

some time ago i was invited for a shabbaton to a very large and respectable jewish community in the united states with sessions a whole friday and shabbos and sunday for shalashudas i was invited to a particular shul to speak in fact somebody just introduced himself a few minutes ago he was there at that speech and in the middle of the speech i spoke about the nafshoi shura binafi of yaakov binyamin and the fact that the way we are created the relationship between parents and children is what's called an ahavasha natalya bedover as it says in elvis a love that's not conditional there's no ulterior motives it's not a love that is based on ah means it's innate it's intrinsic it's essential it's imperative my core to your core it's not based on your actions or lack of them based on your gestures based on your words based on your behaviors those are important but they actually can eclipse the real genuine love because when a child behaves what we would call so perfectly and beautifully when you get those nachos notes like you got in second grade you remember the nachos notes on the report card you want to go back to those days it's amazing and it's a great feeling and we're very grateful for it but it actually eclipses on the kenai stroll on the ava the essential love that's unconditional that sometimes comes out precisely in a moment of failure and disappointment and setbacks a deeper relationship comes out a much deeper relationship this is what i spoke about in that community and i said and therefore be very very careful when somebody advises you to sever your chords with your child because there's so much pain in the relationship there's so much disappointment some people used to advise throw him out of the house throw her out of the house and i'm not talking about figuring out with a child that they may want to move on and relocate and become independent and get a job so i'm talking about throwing you out of my house you have no place in my house we don't have a relationship and i said we sometimes make this mistake because the pain is so deep and i think if you can only get out of my life i will become tranquil again i'll have simcha but i said i want you to know dear parents anyone who's sitting here that the pain of being disconnected from your child and your child being disconnected from you is far worse than any other pain they will cause you because of behaviors that are really difficult to watch i finished the speech and there was a shallow shooters they were singing smiris a drew came over to me asked if he could speak to me in the corner when there was nabima there we went to the bim and he's just sobbing i said what what happened why are you crying he says rabbi why why where were you 35 years ago to give this speech what were you doing 35 years ago why didn't you come here to give this speech i said truthfully i was eating cotton candy i still eat cotton candy sometimes unfortunately but i also give speeches then i was only eating cotton candy that's why i'm so slim i was trying to lighten up the mood he laughed he says why why didn't you give this speech i'm sorry what happened and he tells me these words and i will never forget them he says my wife and i both became balichuva we returned to yiddish like a whole generation of jews searching jews who came back to yiddishkeit we moved to this community and one of the deepest desires of balichuva is to fit in and sometimes a lot of painful things happen you'll forgive me i'm sometimes a little too blunt bali truva sometimes exploited and manipulated unwillingly sometimes with good intentions by ffbs who want to make them fit in and they lose their individuality they lose their creativity they lose their judgment and they don't think for themselves because i just have to fit in so my kids get shidduchim in the mainstream community it's a big loss for them and it's a big loss for everybody else because they have a lot to contribute it's a separate segue but he says this is what happened we just so wanted to finish and we had a child a few children there was a 16 year old who became a volunteer in the process with us and he was in school and he really wasn't working out he was very defiant he was as they called it then making a lot of trouble he was just not towing the line and we went to somebody to consult somebody we respected very much and i have to say this that when i heard this i understood that this person who we consulted probably meant well because he thought about it from his own experience i'm just saying this to you but sometimes meaning well doesn't mean that i'm not clueless remember that right the road to hell is paved with a lot of people who mean well some of you have a lot of experience with that people who mean well this person i'm sure meant well he says what should i do the man said give your son an ultimatum and tell him if you shape up by this date good if not this is not your home anymore he says but he has a key you'll change the locks he says but he's my son he says don't worry he'll shape up or this is why what you do you warn a kid everybody wants to be by tati and mommy who doesn't want to be home right where are you going to go find a new home we're going to go find a new home he'll come up running back with a little stick some teenage rebellion not a big deal and he looks at me and he said and i listened to him my wife and i wanted to do the right thing we listened to him we told that 16 year old listen this behavior is unacceptable this is a froome tire a home this is the school you're going do you see where you're going it's all for your good of course you know when you say that right you know how that goes down it's all for your good you know i don't need knackers it's for you're good all for you i because i don't have an ego i was born without an ego i'm as holy as they get i'm digressing you can already see what mood i'm in it's been a long shot it's it's been a long shot [Laughter] so i had the suppose to sit yesterday for around 14 hours almost without interruption listening to narrative after narrative after narrative after narrative so i'm going to do a little therapy for myself right here sorry [Laughter] so my cynical humorous remarks just consider my therapy they told the boy either you shape up or this is not your home he didn't shape up and three weeks later we changed the locks he looks at me and he says rabbi jacobs it's been 35 years that my wife and i have not seen my son we haven't even had a telephone conversation with my son a few years ago i found out that he married out of the faith he has a few children who are not jewish that's why i say where were you 35 years ago to give this speech what do i tell this man it reminded me literally of that pusa can me when the shvatim were thrown into prison by the prime minister of egypt and they said to each other 20 years later they're like wow as our israeli friends say the dime fell epiphany he's sobbing talk about karate talk about remorse i never understood what karate rabbe nu na talks about but i saw it the remorse the brokenness and then he looks at me he says nobody knows something else that for 35 years i haven't slept one night 35 years i haven't slept one night why couldn't you give this speech 35 years ago i think this summarizes everything that this shabbos was about the pain may be very deep disappointment profound agmas nefesh runs and penetrates sometimes you feel every bone of your body you don't know what to do with yourself but remember the alternative the alternative to sever chords with somebody who was vanav sheikshira benofsha your daughter your son who is part of you who was one with you to sever those cords the pain in that is infinitely more great because this connection is not superimposed the connection is essential to the fabric of creation it's the deepest relationship that exists in the world or in yehuda's words to his father yaakov of [Music] how can i go back to my father and tell him sorry you lost a child sorry he's a ganev sorry he became a slave you say but he's a ganeth good questions that every shabbos the neshama goes up to the reborn of shalilam it's called aliyah illamus everybody goes up i'm the douche neck and he says when you start welcoming shabbos the question is how can i go up shabbos to be with my father to have dwakas in hashem when our children are not with us but what do people do with the pain people are reeling from so much disappointment and let's face it a lot of self-blame jews generally are known to be a guilty people i say what does it mean to be a jew it means you feel guilty and when i sometimes once in 20 years i find a jews not guilty he blames himself [Music] you show me one jew who's not guilty and i promise you he's blaming himself for not feeling guilty enough why am i not guilty i'm not jewish it's fascinating fascinating guilt.com is owned by us we say every morning every single morning seven days a week shabbos rosh hashanah weekdays for those of you who have been darvening all your life say it once in english so you understand it you could say it in yiddish or you could try to tune into the words do you know there's notes filler where we mentioned rakhim so many times avinu our father of harakaman who was compassionate okay i got it you said right they always told us don't be redundant okay i got it three times for what the same billy bainu bina lahavan allah haskell so we usually say god rahman is tata have rachmanas and give me a little bina why when we request bina and das do we have to rely on rahmanis and the balatanya writes entire area parishes vaidsay he says that's not the shot there's no dos if it's not preceded by compassion it's not you're asking hashem to have compassion and give me das allow me to experience compassion because only then can i experience awareness only with compassion comes perceptiveness awareness knowledge clarity you will never be able to become aware of yourself or your child without first having compassion knowledge without compassion almost never works what i mean by this is when i first don't have compassion my perception will be tainted by anger by frustration by depression by loneliness i don't have that clarity only when i first have very deep compassion compassion on yourselves compassion on myself compassion on everything that's coming up in your system everything that's coming up in your brain everything that's coming up in your heart in your chest and your torso on your back and your neck and your body everything that's coming up just to have compassion you know what compassion means what does rakhami means to be able to be fully present to the emotion without judgment it's not easy for us ashkenazic cerebral geniuses it's not easy for us because we grew up in yeshiva when somebody says a svara how do you show that you're a successful yeshiva what's that if you're edel was hackster kosher and if you're really a look akrumakop crooked hat this is inside jokes for the men's section you guys do the same thing but in nicer words but we know you you attack so when you have an idea what do you do you attack you know you're a shayta mustaber right i once heard from the child and he said two jews meet so you say shalom alaikum alaikum why don't you say the same thing imagine in english i say good morning you say morning good good afternoon afternoon good how are you you are how the first response has to be you got it all wrong it's the other way around right rip shipment would say trauma the prefrontal is offline sorry sorry shalom alaikum what does he want what does he want what's the next what's the next step what's the next step i like him out two jews meet you say one thing i have to disagree right jackie mason his real name was rabiyakov so i've been a little grenade he's the guy who would repeat many of my jokes so he once said he once said in a very deep schmooze that he gave on jewish identity and he was amazing he said that when two jews meet if within three minutes they don't establish a family connection one of them is not jewish right it's always yashvigar's sister-in-law mcgill galician was my uh bubba's figure whatever so it's always that way right but there's also another point i think if two jews meet them within a few minutes they're not disagreeing one of them is not jewish so shallam alaikum how did i get into shalom allah anybody was listening or you're just laughing you guys don't know anybody who's listening you take notes they're taking notes they're sitting like this the men says that some men are sitting like this alice it's a nazi they want to know when lunch is and the women are all notes they're taking notes known songs shine thank god there's a mechitzer brilliant brilliant music brilliant most of the issues you don't see the way it's supposed to be poor secular world they didn't figure it out kookness anyway what was i talking about anybody can take out their notes huh very good very good without notes nice nice good the kepler okay your daughter takes after you a venus what does means to show up to the reality without arguing without judgment without arguing with my emotion it doesn't make sense shalom allah without without judgment but without the need to run away from it because when we don't judge it's too hard i'm out i'm out lunchtime that's where we have breakfast lunch dinner and for jews we have chakras is to be fully present and you know what happens the flower buds the emotion actually opens up a little bit and then there's das you can actually see what's happening that's where all growth happens so we say to hashem before bina be full of it and really this whole shabbos is really this prep request the same billy beno bina lahaven or haskell is so they can be ishmael velasquez or the kym as called to open me to make me perceptive to make me aware i can't become of my aware of my children if i don't have self-awareness the prerequisite for all healing for all growth is self-awareness self-awareness is the hardest thing because self-awareness means to open myself up to all the truth that i may have buried for 49 years or 59 years or 39 years i have buried them if i wouldn't have buried them then the self-awareness would have been easy but these are uncomfortable truths never mind if there are wounds never mind you'll forgive me of this trauma and you just heard what that looks like self-awareness that's dangerous what's going to come up for me my whole life i was invested in protecting myself in building yerushalayim to protect myself from the enemies from the romans from the babylonians from the egyptians from the greeks who all live inside of me but if i don't open the walls of your means that your shalom is going to be open there's going to be no walls no walls you won't have to judge me i won't have to judge you because i won't be living from a space of guilt and from a space of shame and from a space of fear and from a space of deep deep humiliation self-awareness is just to look at it without judgment that can only come after that gaze that which allows das can you do that can you be curious when my child says something compassion be curious when somebody else says something instead of reaching conclusions be curious when you say something inside your own brain that's the hardest mental chatter the mental shadow can i be curious can i just be curious can i just look at it that is to feel what it is whatever it is there's pain there but that rakhamim will produce it's one of the most beautiful interpretations in zohar the opening this is already damned verdeja kinim arrived and bharat seven plagues he delivered and suddenly a new parsha of ayam rashem al-moisha boy el para come to paris because i made his heart rough and desire says in english we don't say moisha come to paris we say moshe go to paris el para and what does desire say all previous times maisha never met para in his inner bedroom in his inner sanctuary all the other meetings were at the nile river all the other meetings were in the courtyard in the garden and the outer chamber and the foyer in the dining room the family room the living room i live in muncie we have rooms i know brooklyn this time boy alpara moisture is going to go in he says idrin left go into the innermost chamber of paris the dhaka moisture motion was frightened so i can't i can't face paris on that level on the outside yeah you know there's a support system so hashem can't say go he said i can't said boil para come to para come i'll hold your hand you're not going to parry you're coming to pirate with me but what are the next words because i made his heart tough i made his heart tough how is that an explanation the answer is what you're so afraid of is also me what you are so frightened of i'm also there don't be afraid to face pyro in his innermost chamber to face those skeletons to face those demons i escaped from so many years don't be afraid i'm holding your hand and i'm going to take you but i want you to know something more annihilate as you face paris and you look him in the eyes with compassion there'll be das and suddenly that strong strong powerful unbreachable pet in the peach do you know that one of the hardest materials in our physical world is the pit of a peach the waste try eating it you're going to have to go to the dentist take a hammer on crackers yeah yeah crackers it's not going to happen the ham of it it's fascinating try it out you have to be a shrimp china gibber to break it or you got to know what you're doing why because in that pit are the seeds that guarantee the future zarya boy so the reborn is loyola made that you cannot crack that pit easily but you know what happens the pit of the peach falls onto the earth and in the earth after a few days the pit just opens up and the seeds are in the earth and a new peach tree grows the earth just it opens up we all have that pit we're afraid we try to crush it you can't you know why it has your dna it has your growth it has your atmosphere that roughness is coming from me even those protectors that are so powerful don't be afraid hashem says i'm there. because what happens here is in this process every emotion that comes up in your brain and in your heart every physical sensation every experience every idea every thought as painful as crazy as insane as excruciatingly difficult as ferociously scary as it is know the truth it's an invitation for redemptive self-awareness every thought when it comes in don't judge stop go deep inside boyal para hashem says compassion das and suddenly you're going to become curious what is this emotion telling me what did my child's comment just do for me and you know what will happen after a few months we will grow up after a few years we will become transformed people we're not used to this we're used to i'm the mashbiya you're the mecabo you just told me something you triggered me i will scream at you or i'm a nice guy i'll run away for three years emotionally or i'm even a nicer guy so i'm gonna freeze for 10 years emotionally and in my eyes i'm self-righteous what i didn't do is as we spoke friday night to maureen i am between triggers between stimuli and response there is a space and in that space is where human choice lives and that space is where that salamela kim lives the stimuli came the trigger came the arrow came into my chest i don't want to respond from a place of instinctiveness which may be defined by so many of my own so many of my own protectors but i really want to ask a much deeper question what just came up for me the only way you can do this is with compassion if there's no compassion you will never be able to do this because it's too painful on yourself have compassion for that experience and now talk to me my cleaner baby inside my neck and a baby degreaser baby decline a baby talk to me what just came up your daughter just said something she's 17 years old you've been struggling for four years she just made another comment as she opened the refrigerator and spoke about the nature of the food that you prepare in this house from the food she went to discuss the nature of your motherhood from there she explores your identity from there she goes on to explain to us your conscious and your sub-subconscious your sub-subconscious how you're mothering the other children and of course all of this is done with eloquence with drama with perfect language straight from shakespeare or hemingway and you fell asleep or you could do it the other way around father mother instead of wow instead of running can i be there with full compassion for myself so now i can have full compassion for my child he doesn't say to teach i have learned in my work all speaking is really about listening there's no speaking without listening look who's talking i told you i'm doing therapy le shmoya little lishmoya littlemoid then all allah made and even over the lame i need the lishma i need the last i said let me tell you something else every child every child you're struggling with will reveal another emotion in me or in you that needs healing and maybe when one layer was dealt with another layer will emerge you'll say there was one child i was com-com breathing and now there's a second one at this point i was choking and now there's a third one at this point isn't that what yaakov told dhruvan i lost joseph i lost shimon and now you want to take away binyam i can survive three i can't and yet in our generation there are parents sitting here with one child struggling two children struggling three children struggling four children struggling five children struggling sometimes more you heard shimon story friday night i don't have an answer but i do say compassion compassion for yourselves parents cut yourself slack don't go into the work of self-blame and self-loathing and guilt first of all nurture yourselves forgive me nurture yourselves nurture yourselves physically emotionally psychologically spiritually whatever that nurture looks like you need to be empowered you need to have stamina you need to have some efforts you need to have some you need to have vigor but let's go one step deeper boy every child will challenge me to confront things that will allow me infinite growth that i could have never experienced without this so you might say why me and not my sister and why me and not my brother and why through such pain and why through such circumstances i'll go to therapy for 45 years i don't have the answer to why why why i don't know the answer to that what i do know is in fact i live every day with the question why why when i was born they said why why i'm trying to answer the question already at the bris you understand what i'm dealing with at the bris they won't know why why so i'm trying to answer [Laughter] such a joke by the way but we're not going to get there therapy has its limits also [Laughter] i can live as a victim we all do that it's it's normal it's easy it's actually very jewish you correct yeah how are you doing miserable how are you doing i'm about to die i thought i died yesterday i'm going to die tomorrow i'm having a heart attack i almost had a heart attack i have covert i'm a middle of cover the fourth time covert the seventh time covered i'm coming down with covert in a few minutes okay [Music] the best you hear is not too bad probably made 20 million dollars that day when somebody says not too bad i asked for an adobe kidalia knows right not too bad gibba million myself we could be victims you know why it's normal but with rakham and with rakhami you can open yourself up to a deeper truth and be curious and ask myself what do i have now an opportunity to fix i promise you our children go through their journeys but their journeys become part of our journeys and we could look at this from a perspective of exile victimhood from because perspective of redemptive expanse of consciousness and that means let me be curious and find out how this is an opportunity for my deeper awareness for my expansiveness for going into a deeper place into my shaman to my brain for becoming a more honest person a more authentic person a more real person a less judgmental person a true ambassador of the rebel initial islam in this world not an egotistical traumatized narcissist victim who uses religion as a camouflage for my own insecurities did you understand what i just said get out [Laughter] one of the best helen stories i always loved this story it's so classic if it would be a thalam story mela but it happens i think also in the united states of america right this guy from ghalem is coming home from shul and he's looking for something under the lantern you know they had those lanterns at night long turn it for to light up the streets and he's looking and looking at his harvest says yankel what are you searching for he said i'm trying to get home and i lost the keys to my home so i'm looking for them he says where did you lose them he said i lost him a few blocks away so he says why are you searching here he said because here there's light over there it's dark i love to search for things thank you but if you have a cup would be better if not as a good it's fine you could leave it thank you if if there's light i'm happy to search let's get valdick to do dikka's comets where everything is open but then you don't need dikka's comets because comets is ducking thank you that's for you that's for you it's a gift it's a gift for being in the front seat and listening thank you thank you thank you of course it's easy to search where there's light and we have to search where there's light i have to go to the obvious places of course doesn't mean because you only look in the hole you're also allowed to look at your counter there may even be pizza in your freezer you should get rid of it before pesach i don't only have to go under the couch right i think you don't only have to go into the holes you're also allowed to look at the obvious sewer systems look at the obvious dysfunction obviously like kaimul shaila but here and i have an opportunity not to be like the jew from ghalem and to say where it's dark that's exactly where i may have lost it or as mushroom told the jewish people 3 300 years ago don't look for hashem here you have to look me shum you have to look like happens i have to search where i lost aveda can i go to that place where i lost that aveda mamas and tatas can you and i go back to that place where we lost our innocence where we lost our ability to feel validated where we lost our real real inner sense of worth and wholeness as the light of hashem in this world can i go to that place where i was lost where my inner core was lost where i had to go offline where things had to shut down inside of me it's dark there it's dark there's no light there it's an aveda ubikas and when you're going to go there you're going to see an asleep hashem is there waiting you know is always there waiting that crust that root that toughness that is eclipsing your sweetness your infinity and then when i can emerge back into the dining room or into the kitchen or into the living room with my child i could look at them with those eyes of innocence with those eyes of purity with those eyes of transcendence with those eyes of kedusha with those eyes of elokus it's all three words we say it every monday and thursday unless you're lucky enough to darwin in my show where there's no tag right look from heaven and see but it's not we're not talking only to hashem we're talking also to the hashem inside of me can i look at my child not from the place of my triggers of my insecurities of my deep unresolved wounds habeat me shamayim could you look at your child from your own heaven can you look at yourself meeshamayam because only when i look at myself misha mayam can i look at you and you and my child and my student and my disciple me shamayim ura now let me say something we talk all about you readers sadiris you know how horrible we all are akshadari bitmir but there's also another dimension we get closer and closer to goola every day and that means we become better and deeper and purer and i think what we're seeing is this the navi daniel says that when mashiach comes before mashiach comes he's borough he is the ultimate beeru is going to happen that means all of the toxicity all of the negativity all of the evil is going to come to the fore and we're all going to get scared you saw what happened in israel over the last week who can believe me pillows the great expert on child abuse the one who changed the vocabulary in the from world in israel nobody could believe it and everybody was saying they're all guilty of a conspiracy theory so now the abuse victims have to be murdered a second time by nobody believing them and people get so so discouraged people get so downtrodden people feel that they have to disappear to so many cover-ups vaniha kottenaimer i say to you that this is a time when the avoidance is being finished when the clarity is coming to the fore when we will get able to see clearly light from darkness truth from falsehood superficiality from depth real yiddish kite versus fakie this guy fake yiddish guide is powerful fake yiddish guide is very powerful some of you have been victims of it for many years and some of your children have been victims of it it's the fake yiddish card where we use god to traumatize people where we use god as an excuse not to think not to use our brains not to use our hearts where we use god to cover up lies where we use god to feel arrogant and elite this elitism of us versus them the successful jews versus the losers the students who have a right to thrive versus the students the nebuchas but in a time of beeru things come to the fore and when things come to the fore you need people of courage people of leadership people of authenticity to stand up and embrace the souls of every single jew of our generation and realize that in previous generations when all these emotions came up we had the hell of choice and it worked my key is not there there's nothing there you look under the light and we'll invent a new key ayah doesn't open to the house we'll build a new house you don't have a house that's why there's a sukkah we'll figure it out but there comes a time before gaoula that every nitsuits needs a tikkun and every spark needs a beeru that option doesn't exist anymore and who are at the forefront of this tikkun are children they're telling us stop running kevin has stopped running his irish sorry wake up but you know why you should wake up not because tragedy is coming because your light is coming kumi airy the glory of hashem is being revealed on each and every one of you and for that infinite oneness to be revealed on me and on you and in you i need to spit out all of those beliefs that are toxic all of those beliefs that me or you or my child or my student is anything but a manifestation of divine love and divine light is a manifestation of ms lamite is a manifestation of the greatest depth and beauty and holiness to remove all the khatsitsim and all the mechitzas all the tits is all the messages everything that's coming up don't get afraid by el pairo we can go in now to the deepest chambers where paris sits in his own majesty and nobody ever wants to go there hashem says but there's no yetis mitzrayim if you're not going to go into para if you're not going to go into pyro you will not have euthias butsraya i said i don't want that let's stay in gallus do me a favor let me rewind the tape recorder of history tape recorder all of a sudden pun intended rewind the tape recorder of history just 30 years 20 years remember but we're marching towards exodus we're marching towards us misrayam boyal parry go into that place i can't i can't and hashem says i got it i'm coming i'm coming and when you come with me you'll see by the tears i'm right there i'm right there you have nothing to fear stay with the emotion and let the pit open up but you need earth to open the pit the pit of the peach vinafi la cultia we call it humility if there's an ounce of spiritual arrogance in this process we lose the plot humility offer when i can be humble when i can be open what does hashem want for me at this moment the pits open and suddenly you see thank you thank you and suddenly i realize there is a beautiful holiness here that's waiting to be revealed that's made waiting to be set free that's waiting to be emancipated somebody once asked michelangelo angelo how he managed to sculpture david how do you do it and he said i saw the angel trapped in the marble and i chiseled away on the marble and i set the angel free do i do that don't be afraid of the marble see the angel trapped in the marble see the angel trapped in your marble in my marble and our marbles and then every person i meet beginning with my loved ones my students my disciples my javed my children my grandchildren my nephews my nieces my friends children my neighbors children and i have to say maybe this is in parentheses but probably not the only way this can be done successfully is if husband and wife resolve the tension in their marriages because when the curveball of those children comes if there's no fortress in the home if there's no united front destruction happens fast and swift we don't have answers to questions but together we can confront every challenge husbands and wives who use this opportunity to work out their issues we have issues the only people i know who don't have marital issues are the people i don't know only ones they once asked there was a linguistic professor say yes to students in high school in english what's the difference between an engagement and a battle so one of the students said one is before the wedding one is after the wedding and our dear beloved friend rabbi russell thursday night presented a profound and eloquent observation of how to begin to to heal those things but what i want to say is it's so important not to blame each other it's so important not to judge each other you and your husband you and your wife will have different perspectives about a lot of these things and we have to figure out a way of how to learn to navigate the journey but one thing you can't afford to do and that is invalidate each other add to the suffering through invalidation through judgmentalism through dismissiveness it is so important for husbands and wife to create space for each other in this process so that together they can emerge united unified and the only way you can do this is from the highest space to the lowest space in other words you could be in the highest and you could be in the lowest space there's always room for compassion always compassion and when there's compassion i can become understanding of what's happening inside of you you can understand what's happening inside of me and together we may not always agree but there is a support system in the house that the children will see that girl of yours that boy of yours every time they come down to the kitchen which may be once in 72 hours when they come in and they feel that energy of tati and mommy who really are having a good time with each other trust me the healing that happens at that moment is very profound even if right now it's not coming out it creates a sense of wholeness of security of confidence in the home that will help that child go through their journey and hopefully basic hashem heal their trauma but as one does this we now come something else again i say it in parentheses or maybe not in parentheses rip shaman alluded to it this is feedback to stories of shabbos advice is important but you have to know who you're asking advice from i ask of you speak to people but speak to people to quote your shipment versus ken and the sugiya they have to know the sugiya they have to know this you can have a guy a man a woman wonderful people scholars ure shamayim none of their children put them through this type of ringer they never learned this they never learned about trauma they never had to learn about it they have a different journey they may mean well beautiful we needed a little music to to loosen that up thank you yeah yeah music in the house is good music in the house is good the man may mean well the woman may mean well but they really don't understand that they just don't understand it and you come you're so searching you're so thirsty for something to hold on to there's a shipwreck there's a shipwreck the titanic is sinking and you're looking you're looking for a piece of wood to hold on to and this person has a name right so you go consult and and because you've been through so much pain you know your husband and the wife says we have to listen we just have to listen only one problem the person really has no experience they may have textbook knowledge they may have textbook knowledge but if they have not dealt with real people real children real teenagers they don't know what those tattoos look like they don't know what the heroine looks like they haven't spent time with them they haven't seen the pain the frustration they don't know what an overdose is they may have read an article somewhere about it they haven't sat there with the parents sitting shiver for the child who overdosed they haven't maybe they have sitting there but they didn't take the time for whatever reason maybe it's not their thing to really educate themselves what trauma is what it looks like when a child is broken within they're saying logical things like you have to tell her that in our house we believe in sneeze you have to explain to him that we're a house of yerusha maya outside the house we respect you wow such tolerance it's like so logical right because you're talking to a prefrontal yeah maya shalom the vegas brain is open you hear the verb it's a deep word in our house you ever tried this and our what you do in your house in your room we respect we're the democracy we're america george washington boundaries respect but at the shabbos table this is the haddin in my house so there's two denim the schneiden right prefrontal there's a din in my house and there's a halois by you so you tried it right and it worked wonders so he didn't come down for six months because he he was typhoon very deeply if somebody doesn't know the imaya bitsara somebody they may be a top therapist they may be a valid here is maybe a person who knows milk in the challenge they're the experts no question you're having a dentity he's the expert he's the expert you forgot it's a brilliant question by the way think about it he's the expert i'm also the expert on that come to me important questions by the way if not a broken teenager whose life is on the line a girl a boy cutting themselves stone drunk every night three o'clock in the morning isolated in a room you need to speak to people who really get this who really get this somebody who doesn't gets untied and you know what mama and tati don't shut down your brains and feelings be con educated consumers nobody can tell you what to do for your children people can advise you and if it resonates and you see it successful run with it but don't become passive victims of other people's advice because let's face it what a mommy and a tati can do for a child no therapist no rav no russia shiva no psychiatrist no psychoanalyst no psychotherapist can do for your child they can all help they can all help they can all give advice some of them are sadikim some of them are brilliant but what a tatiana nobody can do which now brings us my dearest friends to the children themselves over shabbos people ask the following question and it's it's a it's a heart-wrenching question they came to me i was trying to get to my room for around nine hours when i got to my room [Applause] and you know how jews are right every man moving on i meant a small shiloh right and then he's like i went through a lot of trauma small shiloh thank you women are not like that women are when are you going to have time they know that it's not a small shine yeah but the men are used to conversations that end after 60 seconds because after that we go into the zone of nothingness so it's fine okay we're not doing any mailbashing today i'm a man i respect you guys but one of the big questions anyway so nine hours i was trying to get to my room i finally escaped i finally said when somebody asked me a question on the parsha i knew it's time to escape okay a question about you we'll do next week we'll do yesterday we'll do questions on the parsha so i said let's talk later i ran up they brushed took a half in my door was locked no key so i said okay hiney time to go back down but i'll hide in the library with the smartims i could finish some of my shirt so i went in the library somebody was waiting and that was the end and then it was already time for tikakatsu is a few hours later but one of the big questions is the question what do we do so bad you know my sister 12 kids yeah everyone went through the conveyor belt you know the conveyor belt i once asked around what's your mission statement in shul he says my vision for my kill is three things i hatch them i match them i dispatch them next door look adorable yeah and they make it look so easy right they make it look so easy and before you know it they had a baby and next thing mitzvah tums in between there were 17 years 20 years but next generation and suddenly these parents are standing and said you know are we so bad are we so evil have we sinned so much is this our gehenna one person told me over shabbos he says i was told that god doesn't give you a test that you can't withstand so he gave me a test with one child i withstood it so he gave me a test with a second child i withstood it so now he sees that i'm with standing tests so he decided i'm gonna be the guinea pig and now another child and another child so my resolution is i'm stopping to withstand tests or as tuvia says i know we're the chosen people can't you choose somebody else just for a couple of years and people say you know what there's a lot of anger at hashem people ask me i'm allowed to be angry i said that's not the question answer me if you're angry i was told i'm not going to be angry i said i know what you were told i know what you were told they told me kalakayas i know what you were told but tell me if you're angry oh am i angry oh am i angry does god hate me is he gonna punish me with another child going off this path because of my anger at him wow the heavy questions and i'm going to say what i'm going to say now with a lot of compassion with a lot of love to everyone sitting in this room with a lot of sensitivity as a brother speaks to brothers and as a brother takes speaks to sisters we need to go through a paradigm shift i'm not here to tell you a vert people stopped me say something of khizuk sorry i'm not a vendor machine sorry i don't have that vert of hyzer you know you put in a quarter they're not even putting in a quarter but whatever just boom give me a clip right here right now give me the clip ainly ainly the vending machine is empty we got to refill it but we need to go through a paradigm shift we don't need it you don't need a hazard of art you don't need a sermon you don't need a russia you don't even need a shear they're all good but it's not what you need what we need is an internal transformational existential what we need is we need to turn over akiskus you like my galaxy dish okay and let me illustrate i finished the sheer ones before purim in muncie a woman's class in our tent in muncie every tuesday a woman comes over to me she says i hate purim i'm like why i'm thinking of course she's giving too many shalom are too fancy she's preparing two months in advance and she's dressed so even before listening i say you know shalom you have to give to one person an orange and a hamantash in a brown bag you remember those like you say they used to give in kraken a brown bag yeah on orange and ahmad they even did it in new york in the 1950s and 60s and 70s you don't need a three hundred and ninety nine dollars shalom with a fake violin that is gonna last till the next day shushampurim in the morning when your tsatsuka breaks your tatsuka you really don't need that in fact i know you love me without the violin i like hamitassian i don't need your violins you want to send sushi so i'm sushi but uh this is i'm already giving her a sermon to give her a nice for him she said find one friend she says no it's not my issue i said what's your issue she says i cry every year for esther okay this is original does she have a story from from her school what happened with esther the esther grow up in monroe and williamsburg in bara park and muncie and lakewood and mayor sharon kiyosaki what happened to esther so she looks at me and she says i think about it the jews are saved they kill out all their enemies in shushan they go home and they feast and they party well esther that's they're gonna be part of it she was stuck with a persian shikker with a melech in the palace stuck with him no nothing of her childhood her community a jewish marriage and that's how she lived till her last breath where is the empathy for esther i can't celebrate purim i'm like wow you just got me thinking and it's not so often that a rabbi thinks actually that was bad okay if i wasn't fired yet you say schneider you have a job for me you'll still talk to me or not i love rabbis i love that i'm a rabbi but it's not often that we get you know you get a question and you actually think without like yes station stations i'm going to have rum you know the knee-jerk answers yeah so i'm like whoa i got to think about this so i breathed i breathed i grounded myself of course you'll explain your husbands what i mean and uh yeah i thought about it for a few moments and then i said it's a good question it's a deep question but i think i may i may have an insight that may be worthwhile to reflect i said be honest with me it's 1938. it's 1938 and you're given an opportunity to marry heinrich himmler yamaha adolf and you'll be with them in their home even you're invited to go to the berghof of the amarsha moynik himself i'm going to say his name and you'll be with him it's devastating it's it's surreal it's beyond painful but it's one one one more thing i want you to remember as a result of that relationship not one jew will be murdered between 1938 and 1945 the entire holocaust will be avoided and i said to her at your last breath will you look back at your life and say what a horrific life or will you look back at your life and say yes i did not follow the trajectory of the valedictorian of basiaco that i was i know i didn't live up to the expectations of benoit i did not and at some point she turns to murder and says i'm the wrong woman you don't understand i'm a good base yaakov girl i was supposed to get married live a life of torah kedusa yeresha mayam and mordechai doesn't have an answer but he says he says to her six words that change history umiya deya and i once heard from the rabbi he said he should have said ani idea i know he said no no no i don't know me idea there are things in life that are beyond us don't try to wrap your brain around what your schlichtas in this world is it wasn't like who knows me idea there are things you cannot wrap your brain around why hashem chose this person for this mission but what i want to tell you is came down for this very moment to be boyel para to be in the chamber of akhashverish and the holocaust of that generation was avoided me we could sit here today and think about our children 2500 years later because of one woman who understood in a moment of truth you have to have a paradigm shift and ask not what god can do for you but ask what you can do for god ask not what your children could do for you but what you can do for your children ask not how everything can fit into my box based on how i define my mission in life but ask what's the laissez what is my mission what is my slickest at this moment what is the razor in hashem what does my mission consist of and in fact you'll see adayam we read a megillah we're soon going to read it next month well actually three months two months three months i would expect it to be called mcgillis martha he was the man russia sanhedrin called it mcgillis martha kaivester call it mcgillis esther mardacha no there's one name mcgillis esther this is the story of esther the you just finished learning it esther is the one who made the yum tif initiated the hump that didn't want comes in anti-semitism the murder says i need to become an intergenerational eternal story why because estes marion kuflam test estimated is the moment of concealment there's darkness i don't see a purpose i don't see a mission what am i trying to do as a jewish father and mother raise these kids what am i trying to do make a shabbos table where they sings mirrors and what am i trying to do have a froome home what am i trying to do create an atmosphere of simcha create an atmosphere of abuse if everybody's sitting in this room tell me what is your great sin that you're trying to raise families that are saturated with ava satyr with your shamayim astor astor ponay by mahu the time of esther of concealment but you know what esther's revolution was she made a paradigm shift she wasn't any more the sweet innocent mommy who just follows that path and when things are shaken up falls into depression and says why i'm such a bad girl i'm such a bad lady look at my sister my sister-in-law my aunt my mother or the father looks in his eyes in his own innocent himself and he says i must be such a russian marusha what have i done wrong this is so crazy esther stopped as they went away from that you know why because when i'm in that mode there's no compassion there's no dos and i cannot be a leader i cannot be a parent i am a victim i am an angry frustrated lonely despondent human being these are normal emotions lonely despondent depressed angry normal don't judge them have compassion for them and take a deep breath and go a step deeper and say god is not punishing me god is not even preparing me for illam haba only god is not even only giving me things to crush me in oil hazard so i get a beautiful illam haba to teach me lessons it's much deeper friends it's a generation right before gula where you were given a shlikas you were you're on a mission nobody here was sold everybody was sent you were not sold nobody threw you into a dustbin nobody threw you into gehenna nobody threw you into darkness every single person sitting here is a khelik that was sent into difficult places in order to bring the aleph into guyla and transform goyla into gula the difference of exile and redemption is one letter aleph aleph is oneness echoed go into your place of echoed infinity and then say sigati my wife and i my husband and i we our children our family we're sent on a schlitz to be able to heal souls embrace hearts lift up spirits smile hug heal each other heal ourselves bring light clarity when you wake up in the morning you say life is great is your faithfulness great is your trust we can trust you it says in madras you give us back our neshama but there's a deep rip shot in me is so great that you have given me this child or these children for me to be able to lift them up to polish their diamond and to believe in them so that they will be able to believe in themselves to be able to see their wholeness their glory their brightness their innocence their eloquence so they'll be able to see it in themselves this morning lives in new jersey i didn't ask you permission to say it always i'm not going to say a name of course i once said a story and somebody said from the men's section without names who was it but we'll keep it that way i fired the kid and we were both doing taking a coffee in the morning and he looks at me and he says i came down five o'clock in the morning from my room one day i get up five o'clock i go to the mikvah i learn i darven before i go to do my work and it's avoided and it's five in the morning and his teenage daughter is sitting on the couch surrounded by a group of people five in the morning involved in a scene that he does he described to me but i'm not going to graphically describe it to you but truly truly painful from a moral perspective and he tells me he says rabbi you know me i have a lot of love in my heart but at that point i plotzed faithfully i couldn't do it i wanted to lose it i wanted to take them all and throw them out of the house what do i do i felt the trigger he has that space i went to the space i turned to the reborn islam i said you're boing shall i him you could say give me ravort that's a good vending machine give me navard give me a hezuk and he said i got it it's the famous hashem says bring joy to the only the gay the yossum the almana the poor people the foreigners the orphans the widows and then the samakhta will bring joy to you and your spouse and your son and your daughter so rashi quotes if you bring joy to mine to the poor person to the widow to the orphan to the foreigner refugee the gear the convert i will bring joy to yours you your spouse your children and he says and uh an doesn't only mean if you bring joy to my people to the poor jews means can you bring simka to the part of your child that belongs to me every child is shali my child is not only my child my child primarily is a piece of hashem he was given to me she was given to me hashem says that you're connected to and he said i went into the room and i said my daughter is a helicopter she's a piece of hashem going on a difficult journey i smiled to her i hugged her i thanked her for being in the house i thanked her for having such good friends i thanked her for the opportunity that our home could be a place where they all enjoy life and chill out and as the friends looked at her and they said wow you have such a cool father very cool this is five o'clock in the morning on the way to the mikvah the first days on the way to his mikvah he said but at that moment her trust in him intensified ten times the previous laboratory his name was his name's sake he passed away yuchabat topshin you had 1950 in america he was saved from nazi occupied warsaw he came to america in march 1940 other shaney tough shin there was a yid i knew his name was rabbi fogelman he shared with me that the first peso he was in america was actually in lakewood in lakewood new jersey in somebody's home and at one of the sodas of pesach he was fabreganging and he said these words we say in halal on how do you translate it most people will say hashem please hashem i'm your heaven i'm your servant take care of me so but that's not the case because the honor is spelled alif nun hey honna as in please is spelled aleph non aleph like but there it's spelled with the hey what does unknow with a hay mean aleph nun hey we're that's the paradigm shift hashem where do you want me to be today because i am your ambassador i am your servant that's the paradigm shift that will transform your life my life our lives from victims into sluhin from despondent people who are struggling with something genuinely into empowered ambassadors and emissaries of the reborn of shalom wake up in the morning and say ana hashem i have no agenda who decided what slickest in life looks like who knows why my neshama came down to the world who knows who's the expert zagmir who told me what my life is supposed to look like who defined that box i thought we don't make images of hashem who made an image of what my life is supposed to look like to be successful what's the definition of a successful mother maybe you're carrying in your home one of the greatest deepest souls and i'm telling you you are caring in your home some of the greatest deepest souls and you like esther hamalka are going to illuminate the world on hashem i don't have an agenda i don't have a perspective what it has to look like i can let go i can surrender and i can embrace life enthusiastically and then you know what happens and you're gonna think maybe i'm a little strange you can actually have fun you can laugh and you can giggle and you can find your sense of humor somebody once wrote a brilliant writer he started off his book life is difficult once you know that life can be fun life is difficult period if you haven't figured it out probably at now at this point you figured it out life is difficult it's not just a breeze it's not that it's not just a bag of potato chips or schmerling's chocolate which morning chocolate helps for the process no question if your nutritionist allows for me it's kale kale helps with the process life is difficult but the moment you can embrace that now have fun this is it esther wasn't a miserable lady yeah you said sadiq wasn't a miserable man he's the most charming excited people exciting person of the tanakh it's a fact why he woke up in the morning and he said onna hashem voo just tell me where no but i had plans i have to sit here and now you're schlapping me he's not schlepping you away from anywhere you were sent oh no i am your light in this world i am your ambassador in this world i am your manifestation in this world right before corona literally a few days before march 2020 i was invited to go to rostov on the dan river in russia for the yard site of the rashaban beznis and it was a hundredth year 1920 2020 tofresh paid of champagne i needed to renew my passport the problem is the flight was getting very close and i needed the express passport service so we have in muncie somebody known as the passport lady and i went for a visit one night i called up i need a passport express of course like every jew i needed tonight i had a few days a week whatever it was no problem that the signatures did whatever you have to do to make a passport the pictures the woman turns to me and says i owe you a profound debt of gratitude i said why she says i live here in muncie with my husband we have a beautiful family one boy shmuley began struggling with yiddish kite very very heavily it was extremely difficult for us through unconventional means he found another wonderful jewish girl who grew up in lakewood by the name of rahul and they befriended each other and they developed this relationship they really liked each other whatever i tried my husband tried wasn't successful it seemed like he has left the dish right they decided to get married and they wanted a beautiful big extravagant jewish wedding not a very wealthy family and i thought to myself this is going to be a wedding that is not going to adhere to the standards of most of our weddings in terms of dress in terms of music in terms of ambience in terms of people in terms of environment and i spoke to a few people and my husband spoke to a few and they all said the same thing why throw out thirty thousand dollars for a wedding that you don't approve of for a wedding that you're embarrassed of your husband is a graduate of the mere in brooklyn and a graduate of neystral in toronto and atom and he do goes through as i was in the house he was finishing and kedushin together for the siemens of pesach five six blah blah blah it's gonna be a for you it's gonna be a bushel for him for you for your family let them make a small wedding you contribute to herring cost you 699 in every green in muncie you want a 10-99 10.99 better than they want sponge cakes bunch cakes seltzer you'll send some seltzer they can invite their friends and do their disco music thirty thousand dollars i have to spend and this woman tells me my husband and i looked at each other and said no no no no we we we made a decision the first day we're going to be close to schmoli and if this is the wedding he wants this is the wedding we're going to pay for with the money that we're gonna have to find like many weddings and we're gonna be there and we're gonna dance and we're gonna celebrate and we're gonna embrace these kids and we're gonna enjoy the wedding let the comments be whatever they are and where did they want the wedding in lakewood not in mount clare not in the philippines not in the chabad house of san francisco but in lakewood in one of the big halls of lakewood and she paid thirty thousand dollars for the wedding and it was a wedding and people had what to say and the music was not exactly v-i-d-v-i-d-v-i-d it wasn't even oh for a stop stop for that stuff for that but they got married it was a kosher wedding and they danced and they enjoyed and they're now on the way home it's one o'clock in the morning 1 30 in the morning driving from lakewood to muncie you ever do that drive after a wedding especially when you're the mother of the cousin and you're driving yourself and it's an hour and 45 minutes and it never ends and it's a boring drive forgive me we love lakewood we love muncie but it's a long drive and it's two o'clock in the morning and you're exhausted and she turns to her husband and says i have to say i feel guilty so many people made this comment that it was the wrong thing it was giving a heck sure with thirty thousand dollars for finnish not just the waste of money you know was it the right decision did we give a heck sure for such a wedding and she's like i'm just i should be happy my son got married tonight but i'm not i'm feeling down so her husband is a good husband listens you heard what i just said or you weren't listening [Music] he says you know how how can how can i be here for you she says i need a little therapy he says well where are we going to get a therapist two o'clock in the morning who are we gonna call and she said rabbi why why and she went to youtube in the car or whatever website she went to and she typed in rabbi yyjacobson and there i was driving with them from lakewood to muncie 2 30 now in the morning and she said rabbi why would i kid you not as we put it on you speak to the crowd and you say i want to share a story with you and this is the story i shared that that family heard that night driving back from their son's wedding and the story i said i heard from the person himself i was standing at a funeral and there was an elderly jew almost 90 years old his name was rip david edelman he lived in springfield massachusetts today he passed away already and as we're waiting for the off for the for the coffin for the orange i said ab david tell me a story we're standing right there on the street waiting for the r and he says i'll tell you a story that i experienced it was 1943 top shin gimmel he says me david ailmen and my cover whose name was hirschel fogelman who was living at the time in worcester massachusetts yehuda yahooda we were standing at the break in the afternoon they were both talmidim in the turmeric and the shiva on 770 eastern parkway three years after the previous rabbid rabbi rats came to america it was a little yeshiva seven seventies to parkway it was break i know two o'clock two thirty we were standing outside if you know the building a little bit by the elevator later the driver would stand there and give dollars and we're standing and having a cigarette you know it's 1943. and we were schmoozing what bokum shmu is about two o'clock in the afternoon where you have a little break and you're smoking a cigarette the door opens up and who comes out a jew who was then known as the amash ramash is an acronym of reb menachem schneiderson who later became the lobby chief at that time he was known as the ramash the son-in-law of his father-in-law is the sixth laboratory he comes out he was called they called hassan of the nasir the adam the son-in-law of the rebbe so you know we uh we greeted him cordially and he looks at me and that my friend and he says you need this i'll translate a wild head in a fridge do you want to hear a fresh fart of fresh insight from the rebbe referring to his father-in-law the rebellious as we say you know fresh out of the oven and they say avatar of course and the ramash who would later become villa bhavaci says i'll share it with you he says you know into 7-7 they come in all types of truth once in a while they come here jews who used to be religious on the other side of the ocean they came to america they threw that villain into the atlantic the kids went to public schools there was no infrastructure of education and they lost their touch no shabbos no cashers no no they come in once in a while foreign i embrace them warmly i greet them i welcome them i connect to them and i encourage them um there are older who tell me this is a chutzpah this is a disgrace you're giving a heck sir to their halo shabbos they'll bow up the son-in-law is nice to them what does that mean they're wonderful jews they could drive on shabbos they don't have to eat kosher they can keep the stores open on shabbos you're giving action what should i do i said throw them out be rude be harsh don't be nice tell them the truth did i be says to them by me is i thought differently but i didn't know maybe i'm wrong [Music] so today i went up to the rabbit my father was some shvery said some shrek to my father-in-law and i told them the question i said i'm the car of these jews older siddhim told me i'm wrong and i'm asking the rebel what's the right thing to do and the ramash says this is what the rabbit told me and he said it in yiddish and rabb david edelman told it over to me hearing it directly from the rebel in 43 top shengel he said my father-in-law told me when parents have a child the ribena shalola made that their love to this child is absolute and infinite you would think there's no more room in the heart for love but when they have a second child there is room for love again which is infinite you would think at this point it's filled to the top they have another child and the heart expands yet infinitely again with overflowing love to the child and with each child the heart opens up and becomes a conduit for more and more infinite endless love and then sometimes a child is born and the child may be suffering an illness the child may be experiencing disability the child may have a physical or neurological physiological condition with serious limits and the rabbit the previous looks up at his son-in-law you sort of saw pictures of the freedom he looks up at his son-in-law and if david says i'm going to say this in the words in yiddish he says for this child they have something special of a love because the pain because of the difficulties of this child there's so much empathy there's so much compassion they don't love this child less if you can even love a child more this is the child they love even more i the first children they love infinitely ms but this child they love even more infinitely he says the rebel looked at me and he said hashem loves every jew infinitely like you love your child eat there's an infection there's a spiritual there's a spiritual challenge in his arm aid was getting felt in the hand he said a jew doesn't learn terror jew doesn't darwin a jew doesn't have other mitzvahs he went through different limbs of the body there's a challenge the soul is hurting because a jew is one with hashem the soul is hurting in a deep place there's a spiritual or emotional wound and trauma that this child this jew is experiencing he says for such a jew he has a unique love and the rabbit that looks up at his son-in-law of the future you behave like hashem love every jew love every jew [Applause] with every fiber of your being but when you see a jew struggling you love him or her even more they're driving back from lakewood from the khasana she's feeling guilty that they spend so much money on this wedding completely not reflecting their standards to put it mildly and as she puts on this shear this is the story she hears as i'm standing in her home she says you gave us back our soul our life i felt so proud with my decision i realized this was exactly what i needed to hear on the way home from the wedding it was that ultimate ultimate validation and you're here today i thought i should call him but you probably get a hundred calls thousand calls you don't need another call but you're here and the wedding was just recently i cannot say thank you i look at her i said i didn't really do anything i was sound asleep 2 30 in the morning nobody wakes me up besides keshianovshi okay and of the other shabbaton i said but i'm grateful that i was the conduit and then i say wow which night was this which night was this so she says oh it was february 5th and it's right before quran february 5th like february 5th why is that day i think i had an event that day i was up i was up 2 30 in the morning february 5th let me look at the calendar i look at the calendar it was just a few weeks before that it was yuchemat that's the yard site of the rebel rayats i say wow the khasana was a new trot you were coming home as i was forbranging just a few blocks away with the chevron for shay in the 10th 24 say we had a huge island and you were driving back and you heard me share this story in fact i shared the story in the tent i shared the story in the tent and before i shared the story i said to myself you know how jews always say you said it already last time right that's like the favorite feedback for a speech right you said it already thank you brilliant you said it already you sent it around here that story i said it already right no men you could say yeah yeah okay thank you so i'm thinking but sometimes i think should i say that you never i said the story it's the story she heard yurchvat the day of the khasana and then she looks at me and she starts crying i say why are you crying she says let me tell you another part of the story that i wouldn't have known to connect without what you just told me and she says you know i grew up as a secular jew my father's name was josh zwatzki a typical jew america 1933 he was born in the today phenomedina both his parents died very very young he was an orphan he was raised by his uncle and aunt they weren't even raising their own child and they needed to give him some education so they sent him to some type of basic jewish school in brooklyn and he got a little bit of a jewish education and at the age of 11 somebody took him in to the previous my father josh at the time was in 1948 1944 my father josh was 11 years old and the rebel rayats looked at him and he said i want to give you a blessing this is a difficult country you're going to produce beautiful generations of proud inspired jews now i meet 11 year olds all the time i really don't talk about their marriages their future it's not the conversation with an 11 year old you know 20 year old the 30 but that's what they ever said very soon like most american jews of the 1940s he left the descript he moved to san diego san diego was the quintessential spiritual jewish desert in the united states of america in the 1940s and 50s he went into the beauty supply business he had a successful business he married a secular jewish woman but a jewish woman and they had two beautiful little girls they were given secular names but they also had two jewish names shendul life goes on it's a secular classic west coast california jewish home the father who still remembers abyssalla you know affine prepaid and that's where it ended this is kinder love and one day in the 1970s a weird rabbi lands in san diego lands in san diego and he opens a chabad house and who does he bump into josh zowatski who are you khabad labavich i was by the laboratory in 1944 come to shul for your site i'll come to show comes for yards to say kadesh he likes the rabbi likes the kugel likes the rabbits gefilte fish soup ambiance he likes it comes from another yard site another yard site why don't you come shoppers we have a great time here it's great i'm not into the religious thing come to show if they bring me into the religious thing nobody is into the religious thing who comes to show for religion you know anybody yeah shimon is doing so anonymous who comes to soul for religion he starts coming to show he loves the rabbi it triggers something in him he comes home he has teenage girls california jewish secular girls shane dole come to shul what do i have with the synagogue it's a great place he new jews his daughters to come with them to the chabad synagogue in san diego finally just to appease their father who was a nice guy they came they heard a class it touched them she tells me i was going every weekend to disco with my friends and when i was listening to this i said this touches me in a deeper place and i came back the next week and i said i think i'm going to have to make a choice what type of life i want to live a life in the disco or a life with more meaning and after a few months i said i want to go learn more of yiddish and she and her sister ended up by rabbits in leia khan in netac which was then in muncie and a few years later she the daughter of josh married her husband alhanan who was a muslim from the mir from israel in toronto arov atom of big talmud and they built a beautiful family and she said my father saw this and he said the laboratory knew this in i think i'm going to start keeping shabbos and he came back to yiddish kite as an old man and as he saw both of his daughters build jewish families with grandchildren and yeshivas and his nachas was swelling until his passing just four years ago but she says but there was that one boy my son struggling and i knew in my heart we have to be close we have to be connected and when i felt guilt about the wedding i made coming home it was that same person the laboratory who shared with me that empowered message that you never ever detach from a child you love that child you're proud of that child you empathize with that child you go on the journey with that child you connect with that child you feel that child venom shy this is what she tells me that night as i was trying to get a passport to go to rostov where the rabbit yachts became after his father's passing in 1920. this is the story the passport lady shared with me today and i am privileged peril schneider is right here in the crowd with [Music] [Applause] us the proud mother the proud mother of shmuley and his collar rocco who [Applause] and as i spoke to her friday night i met her and she said you remember me i'm like give me the hint give me the hint i'm a man give me the hint she's like passport lady i said lakewood wedding youtube it's like yeah i said this it's two years later she says two years later they come to us almost every shabbos and i want you to know something she said a few weeks ago shabbos ended and i saw that both my son and my daughter-in-law ran to get their phones and i looked at my husband and i said they're keeping shabbos [Applause] [Music] and you know you helped me because when i see matsuri shabbos you know how they ever run to get their phones and i'm like i'm giving such good shallow shoulders torah but really shane though i should really say they're keeping shabbos [Applause] i think that's how hashem looks at it ha bait misha maya moray 80 years after hitler they're keeping shabbos they're keeping shabbos they didn't have to nobody forced them they're keeping shabbos and as i met shane they'll hear this champis she says one missing piece i never told you i said what she said why at two in the morning that i decide you're my therapist i'm like beats me i don't know what kool-aid you have been drinking i don't know what netflix i mean why why flicks you have been watching i don't know i don't mix into people's lives she says i'll tell you why six years ago my father josh came for a visit from san diego to muncie he says i'm a busy she says i'm a busy mother a busy lady raising a family making passports for jews who have no patience and have to fly they already missed their flight it's a busy life by day i'm busy by night i'm busy you know we don't have to explain it at least not to the ezra and even not today i'm not you know i don't go places i'm not the sheer person my father was in muncie josh was a muncie six years ago and he came home one day and he said did i hear a rabbi in muncie you have to you have to go here rabbi why why so she tells me does that video trust me this has nothing to do with me i slept through this whole story i'm just here to share it every soul has a journey every soul is accounted for every soul is infinitely priceless every soul is a piece of ain's life and every soul is running just to come closer but in this journey do what rashi says in its of him hashem promises when the navy says every jew will be gathered it's like hashem hashem will hold the hand of every single jew echoed he won't say claudius get together holding the hand of every individual bringing him or her to goula why can't hashem get up as a microphone send that a whatsapp yeah google knows how to get around the original g doesn't know how to get around send out a whatsapp message yeah those who don't have whatsapp yeah those are not texts those who have a flip-flop those aren't an mss message those who have nothing zola leonard schneider from harassing and they'll hear it right he'll figure out a way rashi says no he holds everybody by the hand come because in the time of google there's one model and the model is don't get up on a roof and scream at me come here you loser take each and every one of them by their hands feel the warmth of the hand hold the hand and with an embrace and with a hug walk with them don't walk in front of me i may not follow don't walk behind me i may not lead i say to all of you but let's walk together so that we can have the courage to hold on to everyone's hand and don't get afraid if that hand feels cold if the hand feels frozen don't even get afraid of the hand feels lifeless and numb and don't even get afraid if she pulls away your hand her hand from you or he pulls away his hand from you with words that are painful don't get afraid this is your moment to shine don't run this is your moment to embrace the person to smile and to say i'm with you i'm with you even when you can't feel it because you can't feel yourself but i will not stop believing in you so that you will never stop believing in yourself and as i hold that hand and you hold that hand we experience israel so i bless thee and all of us that we should be able to cultivate those microscopic spiritual eyes to be able to zoom in and zoom out habed me shamayim look at every one of them from the heavenly perspective and then you will see the light of ainsleigh that each of us was zoysha to have in our home to enrich our lives to hold their hands as a preparation for that great moment very soon as ribena shalom will be able to join his hands to your hands and hold each of us and each of those children is [Applause]