Rabbi Yom Tov Practical Spirituality: Finding Your Soulmate Quickly

so and welcome to a practical spirituality here in the old city of jerusalem a Taoiseach tour overlooking the Temple Mount and happy too much fun for those of you who are watching this on too much bother why 'he's happy in general and today what we're going to do is class i haven't taught in a little while it's called happy happy and i know happy is normally not spelled with an e here obviously but in this this particular class has six points and so the acronym happy worked out great except we needed one more letter so i had an e over here okay now let me just make a problem move water the elixir of life now happy is happy is the six steps to getting married quickly okay it's the six steps to getting married quickly but don't get tricked by the acronym cuz there's nothing about marriage that's happy okay rabbis we don't even believe in marriage you understand meaning sorry did i say we don't believe in getting married anyone with a pulse can get married we celebrate anniversaries you know so when we'll be at your wedding and we're like dancing around and stuff we're like we're kind of rolling our eyes like you know like this is silly because anyone can get married it takes a real human being to stay married it takes the kind of person who's who's developed themselves in a state of in in the attribute called commitment and that and that's I mean obviously marriage requires lock-in meaning your life has to turn into total hell if you blow your marriage because it's it's so intensely complicated it's so intensely complicated to be interacting with the human being on the level so you have to have no way out you have to have good the consequence of your marriage getting getting derailed has to be has to be so bad I mean that the relationship has to get to has to kind of ruin your life forever because anyone who's divorced knows that their life was never the same again literally is like you were categorically lowered if your marriage didn't work out for the rest of your life and there's nothing you can be able to do about that I mean okay in the end you know it's that person's incarnation was not gonna be you know list out the way they might have been earlier they're gonna have a rough life time and that's okay there's Pickers suffering all over the planet and some people are suffering that way but for the point for us is that you have to have the consequences so intense that then it's the possibility of interaction on that level with another human being is possible to be had and that's the insanity that I mentioned this just the other day that's the insanity that everyone thought that birth control suddenly took the stickiness out of out of relationships like suddenly we don't have to worry so much anymore about how complicated things get as if that's the complication that's not having children is complicated and it certainly locks you in forever with a human being but that's not the complicated issue here complicated issues - human beings being one and you have to have no way out for that you have to have no way out for that to work and so all the people who are involved in relationships before they're married are are Jokers and the biggest proof of it is every single person listening to me whether in this room or whether you're at large out there every single person's listen to me who's single knows that they're single because it doesn't work unless there's no way out and that's why you're single today because you got out or someone else got out and that's just the way it goes you have to have no way out and when there's no way out you can have something that lasts forever also if you know that your own and once you know this I want you to understand how important this principle is you know this let's say you say yeah room young tough that's real I know this now well once you know this you're not going to be in a relationship with anyone who's not wearing an insurance policy on their finger meaning that you didn't marry and now your heart's insured to be in that complicated relationship because our hearts need insurance and so that insurance policy is the ring that was put on someone's finger and locks you in forever it's a wedding band and and so you're gonna make damn sure you're single you're gonna make sure you stay single until you marry and you're not gonna be with anybody you're just gonna be single until you tie the knot with somebody because it's that complicated and that it's not worth messing with because I mean how insane are people like if you count the statistics of people who stayed together with someone they weren't married to as you know Suzy and the seven billion people on the planet if you can count that unlike you know what was it ten percent with 90 percent breakup rate which and I don't even think it's that good so then you know you stay single until you get married period like you don't need it you don't need to be a genius you just stay single till you get married cuz you realize that you can't get married without an exit so why are people so insane where are people so stupid to be in relationships before they're tied up tied in lock down into it why do people do it anyway it's testimony to hell unbelievable low self-esteem people are that they're willing to pretend for a few months that someone's actually holding their heart they're actually willing to pretend for a few months and then have their heart put through an egg slicer at the end of those few months and just be completely raked across the coals and then go through hell and then of course major chunks of your heart get ripped off and then the person who finally takes the plunge and puts a ring on your finger gets about half of you because so much of you is back in the back in the gas chambers of premarital relationships so it's just not to be it's not something you play around with and if you so badly think you need a relationship with someone so get help get help that means you need help and it also means being humble enough to know that you're not gonna do this on your own when I say get help them in sync go to the therapist or you and maybe and you may need therapy but what I mean is get help in building yourself cuz you're obviously doing a lousy job of it by yourself now all of us are in a giant personal growth seminar it's God seminar notice we're all going through it so like we're in this amazing seminar except there's a problem with God seminar from with God seminar is that he he sets up the Summa I don't know why he did this but he set up the seminar like kind of over your whole lifetime the problem is you don't have time for that you don't have time for that because in the end someone's gonna be marrying you way early into your seminar which means they're marrying not just you the man you and all of your stuff cuz you didn't work it through because you can't work it through because you're so locked into how you think you are in life is that you just you're just like you're wearing cement boots in your own personal growth that's just the way God setup creation is that you're in this long amazing like incarnation of your personal growth seminar until you'll die and then come back again if you didn't finish what you came here to do and therefore we all have to put up a white flag of surrender and say to ourselves we will never grow until we put ourselves in the line of fire of someone who knows how to cause growth in us you find that person I don't care who it is you find that person who will help you get out of your stuff and you can't see your stuff it's so invisible to you I can't even begin to express but I could spend the next two hours explaining detail after your details your details your teeth often tinta of how visible your stuff is to you so don't even begin to think that your to growth you're a joker yeah you're a joker get that your Joker and put up a white flag and get yourself in the presence of someone who reach into your go down that rabbit hole and get dirty in there and pull you out of your garbage cuz your garbage is so familiar to you right now that you don't you you couldn't see it if you spent the next thirty years thinking about it on your own but in a matter of days if you put yourself in the line of fire someone who knows how to rip someone out of that scrap without the s obviously so then you you now you're on fire now you're good and now someone can marry you and actually get the person instead of the person in the stuff which is only fair and why should your kids be raised by a person full of stuff why should kids be raised by that and why do we have to perpetuate the stuff and a lot of that stuff's leftovers from your parents grandparents right all those things that just kind of come down the generations especially Holocaust surviving people from meaning forth and today were kids your age you're like fourth generation oh no a no kid got time today growing up with people with leftover Holocaust stuff but meanwhile literally tens of thousands hundreds of thousands of children right now are growing up like as if the Holocaust was was yesterday I touched a kid recently like kid was like maybe 20 years old and I saw he was feeling a little like not part of things at the Shabbos table so just on my way back into my dining room from the kitchen I just touched his shoulder just to like be a little like endearing to him getting a little warmth to him good Shabbos and when I touched him he almost jumped out of the chair because in his family you don't touch there's no touch it post-holocaust the thing like that in their culture and stuff this is just coming down the line he's fourth generation so those who you think those who think that the Holocaust ended in in 1945 you wish and then in 1945 we're all still any of us from those generations are still still well you got to see yourself literally with the distended belly and the swollen skull and the toothpick arms and flies everywhere like that's how they should see themselves until they heal even in this generation you had a question thank you so much for selling me back to this class the first thing to know is that is that the H is is that Hashem knows who you're supposed to marry Hashem knows who you're supposed to marry and so in a principle you worry about your relationship with your with Hashem and you let Hashem worry about your soulmate like finding your soulmate you focus on nothing but Hashem and and you just pledge your allegiance put your heart in God and cuz God knows who you're supposed to marry so just make it all about a Shem and let it Shem handle this cuz God and God is the only being that knows who you're supposed to marry so you worry about that I'm not saying that I'm not saying not to use deodorant or shower and stuff meaning meaning you should dress somewhat normally and you should definitely use soap and shampoo okay but stop doing everything you do that's there to somehow attract this person into your life like get rid of that and then that's just not gonna be helpful you're wasting your time and for all you know you're soul mates on another continent you know these days there's no way to know where your soulmate is could be anywhere it's not like we're living Fiddler on the Roof here and you're marrying like the butcher's child you know this is like you're someone could be anywhere and you're just wasting your time with with with that vein you know vanity I mean you're wasting your time with like vain attempts to like being attractive enough in some way to another person so don't bother with that worry about a relationship with a shim you'll notice by there's a direct correlation the more someone's into like this world and seeing observant people but the more they're into this world usually the later they get married and the more they're into that world the quicker they get married it's just the way it goes I've noticed it even with my own kids cuz I raised my kids pretty hybrid my kids are like I just might it was my own thing I decided to do whether it was right or wrong we'll only find out later but uh because there's no way to know right now but the way I raised my kid I mean there are ways to know cuz I do have kids in there you know I have a married I've grandkids and stuff but but the way I raised my kids was was all of the sanctity of the rating system my kids are all yiddish-speaking like totally totally inside the community of the Hasidic world but they're also like they literally know everything about everything and and so we made sure they knew everything about everything and so that made them automatically a little and here's the downside it it made them a little easier more distractible compared to the coke bottle glasses you know I don't know if you know this term honey okay sure whatever older all their friends who are like these like do you know your show me like you know like filter fishing the beard saving it for like three weeks later you know they're just like they take off their goggles for when they walk through town so they don't see anyone of the opposite gender of course now they're like walking through crowds doing Braille you know I'll never forget an airplane ride when these teenage boys decided to be really holy in takeoff is his his goggles and was it was a comedy of errors I mean I've never seen a Hasidic man touched so many females in a matter of like just trying to find a seat you know you know they don't like to sit next to women on airplanes so he figured that out through touch now anyway the gym the next is alive Nick's alive whoever your soul mate is they're alive unless one of you is planning on marrying someone 20 years younger and so what you want to do with alive is you want to start living the life of a married person as if they're already with you even though you don't know who they are yet but start living the way so there's two things to know I'll tell you real quick with a live one is one is to develop let's call it real eight now real eight now which means men you can write it let me write a note to her every Shabbos for every Friday that had you already been married to her you'd put it by her candles I've had men tell me like if they got married and they handed from this class they heard this class years ago they got married and handed their wife a stack of notes this thick from like you know 50 whatever Shabbos is a year and and like every Shabbos you know it was a couple hundred notes because it took him like three years to get married four years I don't know anyway but he handed her a big stack of notes and since these are all my love letters to you blessing it with a good Shabbos in that week's parsha you know about you know some containing in the parsha with their relationship and stuff and he has no idea who this person is but but just for example let's say ladies if you're at the Kotel anyone going to the come tour went to it already anyone going anyway when you go down there you go down there realize the person you're gonna marry today is alive and may have just lost a job maybe just got a job maybe it's really well or maybe just got news things not so well or who knows what they're going through they made it just be heart heart ached missing their family or who knows what they're going through now if you were married already and your spouse wasn't feeling on would you pray for your spouse for sure and if your spouse was feeling lonely and down would you pray for sure you'd mention them in your prayers so like why are you waiting there out there you don't know who they are right now but why wouldn't you pray for them but literally pray for them today not you probably only pray to meet them but you should be praying for them just like you would if you were married okay because they're alive and number two is to act with dignity you think my HUS it occurs like oh my married Hasidic daughter do you think her dignity like like went up when she got married you know cuz a lot of people think well when I get married I'm not gonna go there anymore I'm not gonna wear it but anymore I'm not gonna hang out with those type of people anywhere I'm not gonna do no we have a whole list of things we're not gonna do when we get married but why don't you stop doing those things now stop doing all that stuff now and create yourself as a vessel for someone to get married by the way all six of these are expressive so God sends the soulmate like quick so so live as if you're already married and the answer is no my daughter's lifestyle didn't change getting married she was living that way before that you understand she didn't like shift the things she now doesn't do cuz she got married she lived that way she was a city girl so she lived that way and then she and then she got married in that style so she was already that vessel the next is private next is private and that is that is that people who are people involved with intimate relationship of marriage do they never share the details of their intimacy in their marriage they don't give so much information I give more information just cuz I'm training people and any issue I mentioned between my wife and I would be like from 20 years ago it's not gonna be like I mentioned the current but like place we're growing together like that's not part of it so the your private about it notice every rabbit you've ever heard who's a great rabbit can speak about every subject what's the one sub you never hear about the intimacy of their marriage that you're not gonna hear about and so there's a level of privacy that is that it happens in a home and and that privacy is super special just one more hint for those who are dating is that never date publicly don't let anyone know that you think you found your soulmate until you're engaged keep it under wraps don't start showing up at Shabbos tables don't become like an item or something that you're thinking of getting married you know like but that's what people like doing especially girls because girls want to kind of announce the world don't mess with this guy this is mine and so and so they'll like though they'll get this guy like showing up everywhere with them just to like ruin him for the future of any other girl and but you do not want to do that why because if it's truly your soulmate you don't want anyone's eyes on it eyes are dangerous people get real jealous and jealousy sticks big time now obviously if you have a perfect track record you're really Assadi so the jealousies you're like Teflon but a lot of us have God basically there's a whole other Kabbalistic teaching but each one of us has a file upstairs and that file stays closed because God's full of mercy so he keeps our file closed the only thing that can open your file is jealousy making someone jealous opens your file upstairs a little Kabbalistic secret we should all know is that don't make people jealous because if they cast their eye it's dangerous because your file opens and stuff can happen there so by the way after you get engaged tell everybody no private secret engagement so before engagement don't let anyone know you're dating that person after engagement make a good email what's that why let everyone know after you get engaged I'm sure I could explain the mechanism but this is I'll just tell you from my own experience is that people had private engagements I've seen them break off because whatever they were saving it until the grandparents got back from or whatever the you know if that's saving it for dare - that's fine three days four days but going for secret engagements is like it's like I don't know why it just invites trouble and the trouble hits a big time so it's just what it's probably back to the beginning of the class and the mechanism is locking things in gotta be locked in and nothing like public knowledge of your status I engaged them like public knowledge of locking things in it only can be passed that's only like up by marriage itself and in front of hundreds of people come to your wedding where you're just so locked in because the whole world is there to witness the process who not at all no no no no state you first of all if you think you've found your soul mate get engaged and and if you're you don't want to integrate them in your life getting to know them better I mean unless you've lost your intuition but think God girls and this is a woman asking this question girls have intuition when it comes to the guy so you definitely not even worry about that unless your intuitions just gotten crushed by feminism or something which does happen the the feminist world has had a has had a directly a direct proportion with loss of intuition so and then they sit and so they say well well it's discriminatory to run such a it's discriminatory to have such an exam have such a what's worth inquiry uh have an inquiry like that anyway meaning go meaning no more signs please we're men and women are the same when it comes to that and and certainly two men can raise children just as good you know everything has a time throwing kid against the wall are you a kid or your parent okay sometimes you just throw kids against wall you know kids throw kids against the wall adults don't throw kids against the wall but sometimes when they're really little you can pin him up really I did you tell them you're not coming down to start behaving keep them real up there you can pin them now okay so that's that's private next is platonic and that is so so tonic means we're just friends and do not be friends with people the opposite gender period just don't have friends the opposite gender if you have friends the opposite gender you're pushing off your marriage big-time cuz you're not a vessel you already covered you already got all these people like interacting with you so you just don't need enough for God to fill the need God's amazing at filling these that's really God's job if you think about it like you're hungry thank God we'll figure out a way to feed you you know one sec let me just finish that point is that the gods the master filling needs and when you're having platonic relationships like you got you know people in your life that are of the opposite gender who are kind of covering your bases and I understand that really understand that deeply because today now that marriage has been pushed up a lot so you know if you're getting married in their mid 20s 30s 40s then you have needs and and and so you're gonna obviously have relationships with people the Alpes Jenner just to fulfill some of those needs I'm not in an intimate relation I'm timep friends this platonic means friends we're just friends so so you got to get rid of those photographers they know someone might sit we're all be so lonely without that and the answer is that that if you have these five these six steps together you're gonna be married soon so it's worth sacrificing a little now and being a little lonely now to get your soul mate quicker and anyway what do you want all these relationships for when you could be married to one person and so it's worth cutting off all your platonic relationships in order to have the actual relationship that's that's was what your intent what was intended free in this particular incarnation what you were doing here this time around has a lot to do with who you marry and so stop fooling around with all these friendships and instead have relationship with people of your gender now another quick thing is that the people most busted for this are women men are not that relationship oriented we like we like things like motorcycles and craft beer and stuff there are studies I saw in I I heard one study that that basically the majority of men has a guy in welcome I got two seats there other two sees the majority of men like vast majority of men are interested in things and the vast majority of women are interested in people think about it think about vast majority of men are interested in things and the vast majority winner interested in people and so and so I forget what I'm even talking about that what we on just now yeah we're on Oh men don't do this as much as women once a woman hasn't gotten married let's say at 18 19 20 21 22 23 she's got a multi spectrum relationship need and since feminism where women are just kind of not seen that is a weird thing Fenriz like the strength of women and that's you know should be something beautiful except it often winds up becoming the disdain of women meaning to the point where I hate to say this too but probably almost every female in this class almost every female in this class is only here because she wants to hear a man speak almost every female in here and I hate to accuse you of that and don't get all defensive and say like so like love me but you've been dipped if your rate if you're in 2019 I don't care how observant you're raised you've been dipped in that stuff and you don't respect women and you don't even like them very much and and so and so you're really happy to be in a class with men in it and in a class taught by a man and and which means you do not celebrate your gender the way Jewish people live we celebrate our gender we celebrate who we are you know to my you know my wife said being raised secular and then became observant she said it took her 10 years to unglue her fingers at the weddings from the partition the makita to watch the men dance meaning all the women are dancing besides all the young girls who were now summer just staring at boys but a lot of Myr cuz that's where the action is because I don't want to dance with a bunch of weak-kneed ladies ten years later she finally was able to peel her hands off that partition and go celebrate being a female took her 10 years to get over her upbringing and so it but we even raised observant today you're just as dipped in this stuff you're just as dipped in it now by the way it doesn't mean we're not happy you're here because there are things you will learn at Asia tour nobody's gonna dog about in this class is one of them okay so no platonic relationships we're two more this one's against the guys that was more against the girls this one's against the guys and that is that that gentleman um and this is especially to those loose clickers on the internet um you have no idea of what your proper expectations are to know that the woman's across from you when you're meeting her because you've been so badly badly damaged by the images you've seen and that you're you're just like you wouldn't even know you're standing across from your soulmate if she appeared because I don't know cuz you doesn't look like she's from Sweden or something and so and so just and this now this is for everybody this for everybody is to take make a list of the hundred most important thing you want a spouse take it to a well-ventilated area and burn it get off Santa's lap okay and and start getting real with the fact that marriage is about work it's not about comfort because your whole list of all the things you want is just comfort you want to know something every every man I've ever met in the Shiva community at least when I ask them what's the number-one thing you're looking for they always say low maintenance you understand meaning I want to not have to work on my relationship low maintenance okay now there's no such thing and that's a total joke okay that's expectations chart and the last one hourly I got a super late start to as you know but we're on we're on the last point I'm sorry one last point and the last point is you and this one we already spoke about today so we don't have to go into it Shh just let me give this last point laughs oh by the way with expectation you're allowed three deal-breakers like if you're observant they should be observant if you got a PhD they should at least have down to college maybe you know like you can if you're Persian they should be Persian okay we're going to the last one which is you you the final one is that in the end they're getting you get your act together clean yourself out get someone in front of you who will get you out of your stuff so that you can offer someone you in marriage which is those who tuned in just now can go back in the class and see where we spoke about ten minutes I'm just developing yourself because God's personal growth seminars it's just too long if you know 80 years is too long a seminar you got to get married now which means you got to develop yourself big time and once you're fully developed you got all five of these you gonna be married thank you very much