How to get married @rabbiyomtov

how much love should there be in figuring out whether you're supposed to marry somebody and and can you really have love with someone if you have all kinds of conditions or needs that are you know all about you you know for example like most people most people really just love people because of what they do for them so so that's beyond even conditional love it's it's a it's about love that's that's that's really all about themselves you know these are interesting questions and and I'm going to tackle them with uh God's help and what's funny about me just randomly talking about love is I was once listening to Jordan Peterson and he was dealing with I don't know maybe someone sent in a question or someone asked a question about love and he he took his genius brain which is what he often does takes a problem and then just throws his genius brain of the problem and usually just you hear this poetry come out of him of how he solves the thing or explains it away or like you know like gets you so much Clarity on whatever topic it could be so it it turned out that there was one very painful video of him talking about love it goes on for about 45 minutes and I I couldn't breathe the whole time because he was getting he was getting absolutely nowhere the whole time and I was shocked because just for various reasons because he's even though he's a big academic and he's very intellectual he's also very heartfelt and he's also very good at explaining human emotion and he was a therapist so I was sure that love would come somewhat easy to him in uh being able to explain it but uh unfortunately didn't go so well and and and I I still have no conclusion of what to think about that like I'm not sure what to even think about that I don't know where where to go with that because I've never heard him discuss a topic that didn't become more and more fascinating as he spoke but here he he sweated and you could see he was sweating the whole time and that's as close as you can get it could be you can even Google Jordan Peterson in love and get that same video and watch him watch him flail around for 45 minutes get nowhere like nothing came out of that so um Love in the beginning of relationships love in the beginning of relationships is uh is a bit of a um a sticky topic because I think that it's a you know to to to commit to somebody for your life who you have not yet developed love with them is is like really hard to do like how do you commit to somebody if you don't already have love but how do you have love if you're not committed you understand like how do you really get to love without commitment and let me explain and this actually Jordan Peterson does talk about is that marriage is the only place and there's other place but it's the most maybe one of the only places where you can go the deepest with somebody you see if I only know like I just met this guy for example today what's your name Abi Abi so we're talking about love and marriage and how to find a wife Obi the um so I'm just meeting Ai and I can't I can't really love you too much except for like on some like higher level like you got to love every Jew and you know what Gentiles should be commanded to love every Jew so funny only Jews are commanded to love every Jew but Gentiles don't have that as one of their Commandments and we see they're not very excited about that one um anyway I could love you on that level AI because you know we have a commandment to love every Jew so I love you man but you know that's very Kirkland generic love you know that's not that's not the kind of love you'd be that interested in you know it's it's totally plain WRA you know love but if I got to know this guy if I got to know him love would develop because there's just the more you get to know someone the more love you feel for them and for those of you who are lonely in your life think about this simple math maybe you're lonely in life because you're not trusting people enough with your own inner world meaning your own private life you're not sharing much because you don't want to get burned and then you complain you're not getting any love but no one knows you to know him is to love him that's the famous line to know him as to love and it's 100% true how you supposed to know somebody you know if if he's too busy protecting himself from being known so he doesn't get hurt see everyone's everyone's like super careful with how much they're willing to give of themselves so that someone shouldn't walk away with some of them like meaning if they were betrayed how much you're willing to have someone walk off with and that's why marriage is so special is because they can't walk away I mean there is such a thing as divorce but the uh but I mean you divorce isn't you know the disaster of all disasters you know you're you're married to the person you divorc your whole life you may not be legally bed B bonded anymore and you may not be spiritually bonded in the next world but you're married you can never cut it off you never cut it off especially with kids and so because because divorce because the bond has only the biggest disaster as a consequence so therefore most people aren't willing to go there you finally have someone that you can actually put all your cards on the table you have someone you can be totally transparent with because they can't leave there's no leaving and now that you finally have a relationship where someone can't leave you finally have a chance to be seen fully and if you're seen fully you're loved fully but I would argue that you shouldn't wait around you shouldn't wait around Shi can you slide a little this way I'm trying to look at you but then wind up like ducking under the camera oh that was better that was better where you were I want you yeah yeah I would suggest actually sharing everything about yourself meaning if it's appropriate obviously people run away if it's not appropriate but in an appropriate situation you should you should be sharing as much about yourself as possible with everyone you know why who can answer why okay very good accept sure but then and you got the first one the main one is because then you're loved share everything share everything about yourself and let people love you and I'm not talking about on Instagram or something like that I'm talking about like the people you know obviously if you're only meet seeing the guy cuz he's sitting next on a bus don't be weird you know leave him alone but if you keep seeing this guy in sh you know you keep seeing this guy in around the community around the neighborhood well talk to him and and let out some info a little bit give him something to hold on to and notice you feel loved you stop feeling so lonely now obviously our the reason we don't share is because we got badly burned as kids because kids trust everybody which is why we have to keep an eye on kids cuz they'll you know they'll just jump into someone's car you know you got to keep an eye on those little guys they're they're they trust everybody and you were once the little kid who trusted everybody and then you got burned but the thing is is you're using that short-term strategy of not trusting anymore which you did as a kid you started to learn how to like keep everything to yourself but you're using that as an adult and if you were to share yourself fully as an adult with others are they going to run away if you share yourself Avi appropriately with everyone you meet really share your meeting appropriately you share are they going to run the other way 5050 no some will but you don't want those people in your life I said appropriately it wouldn't be appropriate to share yourself with someone like that appropriate sharing what I mean by appropriately is they're an appropriate recipient of your share meaning you see them once in a while you know they're they're not just some random person sure and you'll notice that if you share it carefully they can handle more each time you meet right didn't anyway anyway but by are the going to run away if you share yourself no you know what they're going to do they're going to run towards you why would they run towards you can anyone share like see if you can figure that out open book you're an open book there for what why would they run towards you what they close yeah yeah they want to share too they got they got they got like heavy constipation on personal sharing you understand they're like really not giving out too much if they're like most people who give out as little as possible and so the fact that you shared said hm this guy feels pretty safe with me well if he's feeling safe with me it must be I'm safe with him and then the next thing you know that guy gives you a little bit and sooner or later you're friends and now you got a friend and you can actually fill the world with friends this way now when it comes to marriage this can backfire because when you're when you're dating to Mary you don't want to share too much yeah you don't want to share too much because yeah well less is appropriate and and more is less is not appropriate and the reason being is that you need a level of mystery to marry somebody so meaning let's just say like if this is the bar of all knowledge of a person so this is what you know about the person this is all the mystery if go out on another date now this is the mystery go out on another date now only that's the mystery you go on another date now there's there's barely any mystery left if not no mystery you know they move in together or something you know there's like no mystery now you know exactly how they smell you know when they've overeaten and they um I wasn't talking about body order so so what happens is it turns out that the that the commitment of marriage is way too too big to make the commitment of marriage is too big a commitment if there's a lot of liability involved you understand you need to remain there has to be a level of fantasy left because the mystery turns to Fantasy when you're attracted you understand if you're you know this much and then you go out again you know that much you know that much you're getting to know the person but there's still plenty of mystery that mystery converts to Fantasy if you're attracted to that person which is really interesting and dangerous and dangerous because now the mystery which might be a kind of mystery that if you found out what it was you would never marry the person but too late that's just the gamble everyone's got to take you know it's just a gamble you got to take I mean you can do a background check but most women aren't like you know EXC convicts and stuff so so the woman maybe should be doing a little bit of a background check on the guy you know make sure he's not some weirdo on some you know like list that the government holds or something so so the but you got to have that level of mystery well how you supposed to do that well you got theic world where it's 100% mystery there's nothing known so you could go for 100% mystery that's that's a possibility exists um you could go with the Yeshiva Community where it's like where it's like 50% mystery something like that 50% mystery okay that might be all right the Shiva way um then you could go with the um the so here's my here's what I suggest people do I suggest people should go out in five dates five dates three to get to know each other so that's one two three or getting to know the person and then um and then the fourth you got to dump all the major issues like meaning meaning if you're really you know if you're adopted and your parents are actually uhra adct crack addicts your parents are live on a leper Island you know you're actual parents and I mean if you got something crazy going or you're diabetic you know and it's a bit of a liability or or you're like um no you like I don't know you suffered uh suffered alcoholism for 10 years been in and out of clinics for alcoholism or something like that meaning if some if you got a deal breaker like that you got to dump the big deal breakers only the deal breakers on the fourth dat so so I I actually I said something about myself on the fourth day um two things about about me one I said I don't know if you know this but I have a concave sternum see my sternum goes in so I told her listen I got a concave sternum and she's like she's like that's it we're done I just wanted to be up front you know I got a concave sternum and then and she was like okay anything else and I said uh my thumb was smashed in a door when I was 9 years old on the first night of Kaneka when I was when I was n now those were my big deal breakers and uh and you know and she she didn't offer any deal breakers on her side but the okay so the fourth dates where you where you got to dump the you know the real news about you that you know stuff they're going to find out that might be deal breakers because you cannot marry a person on false pretext okay pretense you can't marry a person like that and even if you think it's a good idea I like to just avoid that topic till after the marriage even though it's inevitable they're going to find out even though you might think that's a good idea it's not a good idea because the and there is a deep and share with you something very deep any beginning has to start with a bond of Ms all Beginnings start with a bond of Ems for example let's say someone makes a merger in companies but one of the companies isn't saying the truth it's which going to come out later you'll see that the merger fails later it it just fails later um someone who um didn't tell the truth about the the soil that the construction site was on you know it looks like regular dirt but it turned out that a geologist did a reading on it and said like you're going to have to remove another 30 feet deep and fill it in with you know some some other kind of material um and they just leave that out you know and now build a 30 story apartment building on that so obviously that's no good um you guys want to know an amazing bav what's the what's the um how do you say banav in English uh foundational the foundational original archetype I guess comes from the Jewish people leaving Egypt why do we eat bread why do we eat matah which is just flour and water and no other ingredients nothing else no yeast obviously but but no other ingredients and the reason is because this was the foundation of our marriage to God the Jewish people marry God like our original Foundation is The Exodus and so we have to eat flour and water matzas with no other ingredients whatsoever meaning no talking up theen or the kala no talking up like no no fluffing up the deal no ellish no embellishment no hot air and and so that we see and we see the Covenant of God in Israel is like it's amazing it's permanent you know you can go to Giant museums in England and other countries where they have like the Egypt exhibit you know because Egyptians came and went and there's a Greek exhibit because they came and went and the Roman exhibits and they came and went it's like whole wings buildings you know why they don't have a wing for Israel why is there no why is there no Wing what's up sit close to Greg on this chair so why why do you think there's no why do you think there's no Wing in any of these buildings for the most glorious glorious history of all like our history that the history of Israel should be like it should definitely deserve its own wing so why don't they have an its own Wing in these giant museums that go through like civilizations and stuff yeah because it's not over where's the where does the wing end it it ends at times of in the Messianic era I guess in messia times there's no wing for Israel's history that you could put because every other civilization came and went and ours is like this ongoing saga that the whole world is still in the front row watching on their screens every day for all of human history we on the It's the funniest thing you know and and and it's amazing that the that people are so asleep to it that they actually get caught up in the trees and don't see the forest that there's something very special going on with this nation called Israel but anyway back to us is that there has to be truth so that's the fourth date the fourth date is where you drop the bomb on the girl and the girl has to drop the bomb on the guy that her father's actually you know lives in Vegas with a woman named Peach Melba and and the and the the fifth dat is when you close the deal fifth dat is when you close the deal so meaning meaning if you take on to have only five days then you'll have enough mystery which converted to Fantasy to actually make yourself go temporarily insane and ask someone to marry you then you'll go temporarily insane and ask someone to marry you but you go into a six date your chance of marrying that person have just dropped like 45% like you're over the way over the the the mystery fantasy principle you get that stop engag oh once you get engaged then you don't look at you don't see each other until the wedding I don't mean that literally you could see each other but it will be at your own Peril that you see her let me tell you why you see remember the mystery fantasy stage well there's another thing that another principle is that when you're wondering if someone's the girl for you if a man's wondering whether this is the girl so the whole time he's wondering EV while he's wondering that so again the background is is this the one is this the one is this the one and of course he's like crazy about her so what happens is every little thing she does is Magic everything she does just turns you on everything she does is the cutest thing you've ever seen in your life the second you get engaged it flips because there's a new background when you go home from your engagement and you know you're laying in your bed after all the ls and everything party and the everything you lay on your back staring up at your ceiling all of a sudden you hear this voice that is the most horrible voice you've ever heard before and those who are married in this room know exactly what I'm talking about and the words are you just made the biggest mistake you have ever made in your entire life he's denying it I think but he's laughing away over there you you go to bed that that night just going like what have I done what have I done and then your brain's like your brain's now playing games with like all the other girls you were thinking about may maybe marrying and and uh and it's like it's really nuts so you get this voice saying you just made the worst mistake in your entire life now guess what that voice gets louder and louder until the wedding day louder and louder which means every little thing she does that you used to think are cute every little thing she does is is exactly why you made a mistake you understand the things that were once cute are now like getting on your nerves like her giggle is now suddenly like a hyena or something you know with like Nash nashing teeth or something you know she gets a little upset because you forgot to like call her Arab shabas and you're just like whoa I wonder what it what's it going to be like you know when I forget to bring her flowers you know like does it get better right well yeah so he's married so listen what happens next when you finally get married when you're finally married guess what the voice that you just made the biggest mistake of your life gets quieter and quieter quieter over the next 50 years how long you married I'm married I thought you said you're married are you the one married no you engaged I have a girlfriend oh you should have heard this class you're going to have to you're gonna have to go on YouTube to hear this class he's doing everything wrong how many oh good I days you didn't need that six day I realized that it was redundant yeah I I kind of make my girls go out on a six date um a six date sorry my kids are I make them go out more than once because I just want them to have that sense that they chose you know so they I'll have them go out as many times they want but it's usually like two three times um I have not yet had a I've married off three of my daughters of the five and I've yet to have one not marry the guy I picked out so that which is a in my opinion not to brag but is a great testimony to a good relationship with your daughters meaning that's the level of trust that's involved over there get what I'm saying you got got to have a really good relationship with your daughters and make it a lot easier to help them get my father-in-law pck me your father-in-law picked you out us to learn oh cool they said you Mar you said you should married wow what a compliment what a compliment anyway how could my phone be ringing in the middle of a uh recording is still recording okay good put it on do not disturb so that voice gets quieter and quieter for the next next um 50 years which if you're a female watching this and you're going to want to kill me for this but you can't stop taking good care of yourself at any point you know there's no time where a woman can let her let her let her hair down and just say I'm already married so like you know let's just go for the bucket of ice cream you know they can't let their guard down and they to the point where my wife now we're married 30 years she still gets dressed up when I come home you understand she'll like if she's in work clothes and stuff just working her in the kitchen or whatever or she's doing yoga and she's in her yoga clothes or something she'll still get like she knows I'm coming home she goes and puts on nice clothes and stuff we're married 30 years it's like she doesn't have to do that but she's she's wise she's wise you understand and she takes great care of herself and and that's uh and women have to understand that that that's a that's a necessity to take great care of themselves after the marriage what do you do with that voice now what do you do with it well thank God I'm married 30 years so it's like so quiet it almost doesn't exist and I'm using the other work which is the most important work in marriage is to be on purpose to figure out what your purpose in life life is and and and live it I'm I'm sorry I'm giggling how do why does he get to be like that and they don't lock him up and and if any of us would try that if any of us would try that we would be immediately incarcerated seriously oh yeah he is on purpose oh my go I didn't mean to laugh in the middle you're on my lapel mic you can't hear the screaming next door that only we in this room know what's going on next door I would be if I didn't know what's going on I'd be calling the police that beer Gusco honey 215 in the afternoon in the winter it's almost Shia so so anyway the um this got to be the most liberal yiva I've ever been to In My Life anyway the um but [Laughter] it should have the word Yeshiva quotes maybe shiva's Bas so there some good look looks like there's some strong learning going on here in the morning in here looks like guys are doing some good learning what's that yeah I here what we're doing so the um what I want to say we're on marriage we're on the voice oh and the the other thing I'll just give it a little token cuz we spoke about it two days ago is not on video was living on purpose that when a man is living on purpose so then his woman trusts him and you want to hear something I didn't say is if a man comes home to help his wife when he was in the middle of living his purpose she loses all trust of him if a man comes home to help his wife in the middle I mean obviously if it's a purpose he's the middle living his purpose he's out there doing his purpose and he's on purpose but then he but he's like a millennial and like oh I should go help my wife and he's playing the full Mr Nice Guy go home help his wife she loses all trust in him he's not trustworthy anymore because she what do I mean by trustworthy a woman needs to trust her man that he's on a some greater Mission and that she needs to trust he's on that if he's on that so then what happens is she surrenders to his love and all once you're on purpose all you got to do is come home with love you just come home with love you normally a man's coming home with the you know the bagels with a dough but you just come home with love and she sees my man's on purpose and he's Unstoppable he's undistracted and something else is to live on purpose I didn't mention this either to live on purpose means you're always pushing the edge you got to push into the we've spoken a bit about um order and order in chaos right we spoke about well he speaks about a lot but in Judaism it's called and's Chaos and Order is but you for any of us to grow we always have to be pushing the boundary you want to if you want to live a powerful deeply meaning meaningful life live on the edge of ordering chaos but if you want to really be causing deep masculine vibration in your life always push a little bit beyond order beyond the Comfort go a little further than the comfort zone go deeper into that don't go too far because then you'll have an anxiety attack you know you go you won't be able to breathe don't go too far but go a little bit in there and keep pushing that and there's something else that's crazy that I'm going to talk about for a minute and that is to um to risk everything risk everything in your development of yourself like to the point of death meaning meaning most people have so much fear that there's very little they're willing to be courageous about because it's you know you stick your fing out a little bit it just going to get burned so you're like I'm afraid I'm not going there I'm not saying to go put yourself in danger almost die or something but but you should especially you guys are young you know and I'm sure a lot of people watching this are young but I don't care how old you are put yourself in herm's way put yourself In Harm's Way go go hiking with a friend that's way too far you know uh you should bring enough water I suppose but but put yourself in the Harm's Way like I'm at an age where you know I should be more careful and I went on a as you know I went on a very long mountain bike ride the other day um Offroad next I'm like throwing up in a bucket you pushed by fears your mind by the dreams in your heart don't be pushed by the I would maybe say don't be stopped by the fears in your mind and be rather be led by the dreams of your heart I just heard a nice one yesterday someone quoted uh I think it's the new um Lion King Lion King was a great movie um yeah that it was uh if you want to get somewhere quick go alone if you want to go but if you want to go far go together which is nice um question yeah how do you do take like not saying you you by You Take by her seeing you take amazing care of yourself meaning every every time she sees you you're leaner and stronger and and she just sees you choosing healthy foods and she's you know when when you go out to eat you're ordering the salad you know and and she sees like this guy is a guy who treats himself like he's someone worth caring for to quote a to quote a chapter of Jordan Peterson's 12 rules but she sees a guy who's treats himself as if he's someone worth caring him for so it's just going to rub off on her and like she's going to be a slob while she's married to this like you know like well-developed man not going to happen she's going to pick it up so you don't say anything just you don't say anything but you do compliment her on the little stuff she does so let's say she's really more on the slob side and uh she's more on the slob side and you're like not at all and you're really playing your games well and you're doing doing things right and she's a little bit a slobby and but one day she like picks it up a bit and like and goes to a yoga class you praise her to the end of the world about her having gone to yoga and she's going to see like whoa like that meant a lot to him way more than anything else I've done for him was that yoga class so that's what you do you praise praise the little moves they make and it just like they start to realize like these little moves are are scoring big the little moves are scoring big and the big things I thought I was doing for him like cooking for him or you know it wasn't scoring half as big as me taking care of myself um sorry I didn't repeat the question just had to get a woman to take care of herself um the next is um what was that I was on this long mountain bike ride and deep I'm deep out there like way out there and I'm climbing a Giant Mountain when it was a freezing day so I reach to gra I finally got to the point where I need a little schook of water schook seber for a sip of water so I need some water I reach over to grab my water tube for my you know my water pack I forgot my water pack which has only happened like never you know like when do I forget my water pack that's like forgetting your brain you you don't go mountain bik and I'm doing a very big ride with no water so do you guys think I turned around and went back home no no we're continuing this ride and when I got to the top of the mountain I went into the I was planning on going straight down this downhill run on that mountain but I actually went onto this Ridge to look for a human being who might have some water and I found these off-road guys with their big you know crazy looking thing that they had some crazy off-road contraption I said you guys got any extra water he says yeah back of my car I got a six pack of half liters and I'm like how many can I take and he said whatever you need just take and so so I I down one I took two more oh you know what it was he thought it was half liters it was sches it was 3 330s 330s so I down to 3:30 I took two and I went I continue my ride but I always choose I always choose a little bit more danger every time every time my system set up to push it Beyond you know take it a little more on the risk factor go a little more chaos but I don't know if you can hear my voice but it's developed into you understand that do you get that the sound of my voice like just the vocal quality I have is from that do you get that I'm saying a very subtle thing smoke I don't smoke definitely do not smoke but that you do you get that the tone of my voice is a result of me always pushing those limits wherever the Fear Factor is wherever the danger is is where I go towards and what that does is it makes you it what it does for you if you could just start doing that is is it makes you someone extremely Dependable extremely trustworthy people people just feel like you're you're someone who says it and does it like there not too much is going to get in the way of you fulfilling a commitment because you're just when things get rough and scary you go forward whereas so many people that were relying on who say I wasn't able to get it done you know those are the guys who are often making u-turns when things get scary and so all of this translates into masculine vibration that women woman meaning your wife can trust and you can push yourself in all kinds of ways are you connected at all schi to breev so like flying to Ukraine is a rough Mo rough move it's never easy and and there's something about that like a woman no breast of woman wants to lose her husband for a week or two yet they all give him up and he's going into the total unknown you the one thing you know when you go there is there's going to be a lot of unknowns and it's never easy not even slightly easy and people are going to Al Hanukah have two two daughters going on separate trips to to uman for Hanukah um there's people that go people go they don't know to get back it's go to the airp airport without tickets and right now it's it's like it's like butt cold over there you know you just any Skin showing to the air is going freeze you know and anyway it just is so necessary for us I'd like to compare this to animals for a second animals don't have the luxuries that we have to pamper ourselves from the elements animals are dealing with you know yeah they're dealing with everything you know they anything can happen to animals which is very interesting that they all can swim you know a cat hates water but if you throw it in a pool it will swim its way out you know like they're they're just Built Tough like that and they're dependably instinctual um they know their limits they know their edges they they can do crazy things and so can you if you're just willing to push those edges and you can become that kind of resilient trustworthy Powerhouse like that so I just want to finish with the living on purpose is that when you're living on purpose you you a a woman will actually she will actually ask you to do something for her sometimes interrupting your mission and all she wants to hear us no she just wants to hear you say no she's not sure she trusts you so much so she so she asks you for something while you're in full mission mode and what you you know say straight out no but what you say is like you know what uh send me a WhatsApp about it tomorrow and I'll get it done that's what she wants to hear but if you say yes she's like that's not what I wanted and and that guy will get home that night that that that guy will get home that night and find her crazy like she's not she's not surrendered he'll find her unsurrendered to his love youan no or no for now it could be no for now yeah a lot of always saying no but but the answer is no the answer is just simply no and there was a flip side to it when you said when she's on purpose and she has to preheat the boiling soup even though it's hot you say when you want to say no you want to say yes with with her with her when she's asking if she can do something for you the answer is always yes please if you could just do this you anytime a woman's asking if she can do something for you she's she's saying that I'm so surrendered to you right now and I want to just live I want to see how far I can take this surrender and so when when she says can you can I do this and it's a real hassle thing that she's asking and a man says no no don't bother she's so disappointed because she that was her chance to serve you in total surrender love surrendered love and that's what she was looking for and to tell her don't bother or I'll I'll do it myself is like ruining this this gorgeous opportunity that she's created in the relationship anyway we spoke about a million things a lot around relationships and stuff this was kind of a random class I'm reluctant to post it but I'll probably post it anyway just because people get angry if I don't post I didn't sneeze I blew my nose I blew my on video that's right Shalom everybody hit all those buttons you know