Go All In | Being the Man Training – Session 7

Shalom everybody and welcome back to being the man. This is episode >> [sighs] >> I don't even know. I think we're in episode 7. I think we have three left. Is this 7? Yeah, good. So So we got three left after this and then begins the Khaburas where we do all the integration work. I'll talk about more of that later. Today's episode is called go all in. This is about leaving nothing left as my wife says that at the end of our lives she's going to go to God and she's going to take her entire body and everything that she put so much into running our house in Jerusalem with all the guests and all the cooking and all the everything and the babies and the everything. She's going to take her whole thing her whole body and just like it's going to be like a rag and she's going to like throw it to Hashem and say, "Take it. Like there I I ring out every last drop from this thing." And going all in unfortunately most men they'll they'll never even know what they were capable of. You know? Most men will never know that cuz they hold back their gifts. They hold back their creativity. They hold back things they would have said. They hold back their their um their their creativity, you know? And then and what happens in the end is that you're you're going to sleep every night one in fight. You know what you're doing here cuz you you could have gone all in and obviously when you go all in as we'll discuss it it opens up new avenues, new venues and all of a sudden the world starts like working in that way also financially. So so the point is is that you probably been living at like volume four on your stereo and you could easily have been on a on a much higher volume. You could have been like pumping out a volume eight, you know, without the neighbors coming. Volume 10. Maybe even the neighbors are going to come in volume 10. But you're not pumping out what you should be. So, I'm going to ask you a question. When you walk into the room, what energy do you bring to that room? When you come into a shul, when you come into a kiddush, when you come into a chassan, when you come into the family, when you to a family event, when you come into your own home? What energy is the energy going up? Is it staying the same? Is it going down? You know, I I had somebody used to come to my Shabbos table. A lot of people used to drive to my Shabbos table when I was teaching in LA, and there was one person who would bring it down, and I had to find out if he was coming cuz one of the tenayim of inviting people who would drive was your Shabbos table has to be high. And this guy could bring it down. And so, if I knew he was coming, I couldn't invite uh the people who would drive. Cuz cuz that guy's energy could like pull everyone down. So, let's first talk about like the pain of living half in. Living half in your life. So, so it's it's not like it's not We're not talking about failing here. We're talking about under living. Yeah? Like um comfortable, predictable, um you know, with the but with a nagging inside that there there could be so much more. So, there'll be you know, I don't know what you call that nagging. It's just like a quiet dissatisfaction. Um loss of enthusiasm, excitement in life, um feeling like your your like if people don't even know what your contribution is, what your gift is for who you are, you know, like what you what you really bring to the table. Um it's It's like instead of being a participant in things, you're often a you're you're like a you're like a I don't know how you put it, a a spectator in a way. Um And also, you know, what do what do the daredevils do? All the you know, the people taking the risks, you know, they're pushing their edge and they're feeling fully alive. Now, I'm not saying you should do anything dangerous and go all in, but but we can just look at, you know, the the look at the the mountain bike racers or the race car drivers or the you know, they're they're feeling fully alive because to be a professional, you know, motocross racer, it's an all in, you know, you're you're just going all in in that. And so, this isn't about like being incapable or anything. It's it's just allowing your capability to shine and fully, you know, fully shine. And the other problem, of course, is that the longer you live this way, the more normal it becomes. And so, you get this feeling like like why rock the boat? Yeah? Why rock the boat? Like ev- everything's fine. Like what what why am I making trouble? Yeah? If it ain't broke, don't fix it. And I get a lot of that when I'm marketing Possible You. People are like, "I'm everything's fine." You know? So, for those who are Possible You graduates, let's go through the five fears and you'll see exactly where where the five fears fit in with uh with all of this. So, going all in means that you're you're stepping out of the crowd, you know, you it means you're you're fully showing up and and so, why should I embarrass myself? You know, why should I why should I say anything? Why should I why should I step up? Um the So, the number one fear is the fear of rejection. And one of the reasons why we don't go all in all in is what are people going to say, you know, if we go all in. And um then there's the fear of failure cuz if you go all in, you know, you put your you put it all out there and then it doesn't work. It's like oh, you know. Then you're you're you know, so there and there there will be failure, but as you guys know, failure is the price of success. Failure isn't a lack of success. Failure is the price for success. And so yeah, when you go all in, there's a big fear of failure of what's going to be if I go all in. Um maybe I'll just play small. And um the next is uh the fear of being out of control. And what if what if I go all in and things start getting bigger than I can handle, you know, so so I'm not going to go all in. I'll keep everything manageable in my life. And the um and then there's the unknown, obviously, because if you live your life all in, there's going to be, you know, uh things are going to start getting like wild, like your life's going to get exciting and there's going to be a lot of unknowns. And the last is um physical pain and suffering is it's dis- it's uncomfortable. And we've already discussed laugh at pain, that was one of our pillars. But it's going to get uncomfortable and there's going to be some kind of physical exhaustion, struggle, >> [snorts] >> sacrifice that's going to be necessary to get there. And so that's all part of it. So, let's first just talk about the cost of it is, you know, if you think going all in is going to cost you, you have no idea what's going to come to you by living all in. When you go all in, like things start coming your way uh financially even. And they once in a while I'll I'll ask my son of Rummy, who's um you know, he's the CFO of Possibly You. He also manages the Possibly You. So, he runs all the finance. So, I'll ask him if we can afford something. He says, "Taty, whatever you do, it doesn't matter. You know, whether you can afford it or you can't afford it. Like, it just comes. Like, no matter what it is." And that's part of going all in is you can afford it because when you will go all in, that's what's going to happen. Now, regarding um I just want to give you guys an analogy, but but you I want you to use it for anything. You bring home a new stereo to the house, yeah? You got a home stereo. And today that means a boombox most likely, meaning a a Bluetooth speaker, which uh you know, I use JBL's, the big the big boombox. And uh and now you turn it on, but you turn it on to four. And the reason you turn it on to four is you don't want to bother the neighbors. So, 30 years later, it's still on four. You know what you're supposed to do with your boombox when you bring it home? You know what you do with your big speaker that you brought home? You put it on 10 until the neighbors come screaming. And they're like, "What?" You know, they're banging on the door. You open the door and music You know, and then they you say, "Oh, yeah, I'll turn it down. Sorry." Then you put it on nine. >> [gasps and sighs] >> Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Open the door. "What? What? It's too loud." "Oh, okay. Thank you." You put it on eight. Anyway, eventually you get to the number where they stop coming. That's the number. And that's By the way, that's only that's the number when your neighbors are around. If your neighbors aren't around, so there is no number, but but how many people will spend their entire lives 30 years later in their volume is the name show, guys. How many people 30 years later are going to find out that their volume was on four? When really the neighbors don't even bother you at eight. The music sounds very different at eight, and especially when you're dancing and singing. But let's go in the nimshal when you're dancing and singing in your life and no one says anything. And and people giving feedback is great, you know, like I'm all about it. You know, I I like to push until I get feedback. And when I get feedback, I'm like, "Yeah, sure. Yeah, thank you. Thanks for the feedback. You know, I need and I and let me let me chill out a little. But until I get that feedback, forget about it. Till I get that feedback, not interested. Um so, the bottom line is you the in the nimshal, you impose the limitations on yourself that that may have never even existed. Like you created them. So, bottom line is take let let your neighbors tell you when it's too loud. Stop shrinking yourself. And and living it according to imaginary limitations. And figure out where you're holding back in your joy and your personality and your passion. Uh another example is and I wish I could take a poll of the group, but I I can't take a poll. But how many people in this group, your sukkah fills the whole space of what would be space for a sukkah. Okay, I'm not going to take a poll of that. But like, how big's your sukkah? You know, did did did you fill the entire space with your sukkah or did you fill up enough for your your wife and kids? And what if you just built some big magnificent sukkah? Like just go big with your sukkah. And then throw a Simchas Beis Hashoeivah in there. And you know, whoever comes, comes. Or you can actually invite. You know, we don't invite. Personally, we we're afraid to invite because there's already there's no room. Um as as we do it. The the point is is just to go big. And let's talk just for a minute. I want to give you some incentive for going all in. So, one thing is your creativity opens up. When you're not holding back, you start to develop creativity that you never would have seen. Um you also your energy increases when you go big. We've spoken about that. Like a guy who does nothing all day is exhausted at the end of the day. Well, the guy who's going in, going all in, playing big, he's actually packed with energy by the end of the day. Um also, your confidence is going to grow a lot as a result of this. I mean, you're going to get more and more confident by going all in. Um also, opportunities that were invisible before become visible. And and you also you also discover like capabilities you didn't even know you had. You know, there will be things you you didn't even know you could do that would come in. And um I already mentioned the financial thing is that you'll um is that uh money comes your way because God's basically like a light goes off in heaven where it's like ding, like this guy is all in. Yeah? He's all in. And and Hashem sees someone who's all in and he makes sure that that person has what he needs to make a difference for everybody. >> [snorts] >> Now, um but the bottom line is is for us is people are noticing. Everyone's noticing. Your wife's noticing. Your kids are noticing. Your community's noticing. People are noticing. And when you go all in, people notice that and they become it becomes contagious. The energy starts spinning off of you and and you also become magnetic. And guess who you become magnetic to? You become magnetic to people who are all in. You know, I attract all in people all the time. I also attract a lot of people who are not all in at all because they know they'll they'll get they'll they'll be affected by my vibration. But I literally attract people who are all in all the time into my life. And also for those of you who are thinking of ways that you know, you feel like you couldn't afford it, you should know that that money comes after the commitment. It doesn't come before. Like first you make the commitment, then the money comes for that. You know, I don't know what your example would be, but but you know, and again, we're not talking about a promise of wealth. We're just talking about that that it will be financially um uh affordable, stable, I don't know what the right word is, supported if you go all in. So, Hashem will just send you that siyata dishmaya. Um this is not, by the way, an invitation of going all in in business. Going all in business has to do with your bracha on Rosh Hashanah. Okay, I don't know what what God chose you on Rosh Hashanah. It also, when it comes to money, things get much more complex. Talking about business, like so you should go all in on what you said you're going to do. I mean, what you told the investors, what you told your boss, what you told the manager, or what, you know, go all in on what you said you're you're going to do. And even go all in in in your job description. But don't think this is a promise that you go all in and all of a sudden you're you're going to be a, you know, big giver or something like that. Uh let's talk a little bit about the energy. Another incentive is how your energy changes the room. You know, there's certain people walk into the room and everyone just notices them come in. You know, I was in Sfas last week in Sonds and we had kind of a weak minion, but between me and another guy, we kind of got everyone together and and uh at the end this guy comes in. I don't know what kind of Hassid he was, but some kind of Hassidic guy comes in and he just his energy just filled the room. He was like it it was immediately we just got to selling aliyahs on Monday. And he immediately is the guy selling aliyahs. I never seen this guy in my life and I daven in Sonds and Sfas like almost every week. Never seen this guy. And now he's selling the aliyahs. He bought He bought them. Every There was a very weak minion. No one was buying aliyahs. And he bought the aliyahs. He bought everything. And And he was the bal koreh. And he just The guy brought the energy up. So So when you're all in, you're you're you're fully there. You're You're not just You're not just there, but you're fully there. It's what's called fully showing up. Alive, engaged, enthusiastic. And they're also a force to be reckoned with. And for those of you who are worried about people messing with you, people don't mess with guys like that. You understand? Like how many people How many people you think mess with me? Like how many people you think like actually try to stop me from the things I do? How about no one? You know? And And I'll tell you by the way, I I may be a moral in than the average guy. And I'm sure I am. But it scares me because everything I've gone all in on, Hashem just sends it. And then I go all in and then sends it, but maybe I'm only half in it. Maybe I'm half in it. Cuz I don't know what the limitation is on what happens when you go all in. Yeah? You walk into shul and you bring life to the davening that you're in. You come to an event and you draw the other people who are just there into like actually fully participating. Um and your home becomes like they feel your presence. They feel your possibility. They feel your enthusiasm. And uh and if you join a project, you wind up like leading the energy of it, getting everyone involved. You're contagious. And you're pulling people out of their slumber. And um whereas, you know, someone who's half in, you know, he shows up physically, but he's doesn't really bring himself in. He's present, but not contributing. You know, not lifting the room. You know? And so and so that's why I asked you at the beginning is like what happens to the room when you walk in. Yeah, and and I want you to not have the uh I don't make the mistake to believe that we're talking about being loud or gregarious or This isn't at all about you being like the center of attention or anything like that. This This is in the opposite, actually. The This can be just an It's an inner energy. That that Yeah, it does vibrate outside of you, but it doesn't necessarily We're not discussing that you're like the loudmouth in the crowd. Yeah, that's not what we're talking about. Uh I just want to talk about the family a little bit. Um Our wives get us like really well. And we got them nodding along with how much we show up in our in our potential. You know, we've got them pretty well trained. But they know us better than we know ourselves. They know your potential. And so it's a bit of a disappointment when you're married to a man who's not playing big. You know, again, there were there were so they can says and they're going to show them bias and they're not going to push us too hard. But she sees the gifts that you're not seeing. She sees what you're not fully bringing into the world. Yeah, she she's getting that. And and it's a bit of a disappointment. It's also when your energy is low because you're not all in, your kids are feeling it. Yeah, and your kids and your sons are feeling it. And if your if your sons are like seeing you not all in, oh my gosh, you know? And if you're playing a game with your wife where she has to like tiptoe around your you know, kind of weak game, the um your daughters are learning how to tiptoe around their husband's weak game when they when they get older. You know, so this is really important that that they're seeing it. You know, it's really important that they see you they they see you playing big. But but back to our sons is that they're learning what a man is through you. And I can't stress this enough, like that that we are our sons' only chance. We are our sons' only chance. I mean, think think how much we're investing in these boys. You know, just the financial investments, the emotional investment, the the time, the energy, and the physical output. Our sons' only chance is is us. In living these 10 pillars and seeing a father who's all in. You know, the the son's got to see that. And I can tell you, I mean, it's a little sad, but I I've seen men not all in and they have a son who's kind of like me, like that rashe lakish personality. Who's like, you know, little nuts. And instead of the son being taught you know, by a father who's all in, instead of the son learning from the father, what happens is he had a father who was like a wet noodle of a father. And now he has zero guidance on how to how to um live all all in. The kid has zero guidance. And the kid just becomes like a nuisance to the whole community, you know, now he's right he's 14 years old on a motorcycle with no muffler, just blasting through Beit Shemesh, you know. And the parents are so embarrassed and they're calling me in, can I meet with their kid? And and so part of not being all in is the the price is is what if you get one of these off-the-menu kids who love destroying their father's idols. You know, what if you get one of those guys? You know, what if your I what if your idol is you? You and your small version of yourself and they're just going to destroy that. And it doesn't matter a lot what you say, you know, what really matters is is what you're doing, they're watching that. Now now we're at ride your edge. So, let's just say like this, each one of you guys has an edge. Okay, when we do the Khabura stuff, that's what you're going to be playing with is you're going to be pushing out your edge. You know, like but in a real like committed and and accountable way. But you've got whatever you call your edge, chances are whatever you think your edge is is like way before your edge. But let's just say you this is your edge, okay? And you need to go beyond that, meaning this is the edge and then you go a little beyond that edge. And if you go too far beyond that edge, you're going to have an anxiety attack. That's no good, no one needs that. We don't need you anxious. But if you're not at your edge, then you've got that zero wet noodle energy going on. Which, you know, no I don't need to go back into it. We spoke about the pain of all this. And enough of that. Um you have to always be just beyond your edge. You got to push beyond your edge in every aspect of your life. And we're calling this ride your edge. What I mean by ride your edge is You know, let me give you an example in in mountain biking. You know, I'm always out. I'm always out on the trails. And um and you know, imagine you know, I'm I'm coming down this uh coming down this thing and it's like 50 ft down that way, 50 ft down that way, and I'm just on this ribbon of a trail that's going up and down like a camel back. Like a roller coaster. And if if I scrub too much So, what do we do with the brakes? You know, when if you press the brakes, the wheels will lock. So, you you scrub speed. You just It's called scrubbing speed. You slow down a little bit. You slow down too much, uh yeah yeah yeah, a 3-year-old could ride down that trail. You you're going too fast >> [clears throat] >> going too fast now, you're you're going to be anxious, you know, you you don't want to fly down the edge of that cliff. And so, you're but you got to be on that edge. That is the spot. And by the way, this is the exact spot between chaos and order. Right? Too much chaos. Too little Yeah, too much order. And I know that a lot of you are like a lot of you like are looking for order, but you know, that wasn't the world God made, you know? Yeah, he's it started with a mix of you know, chaos, and then God created order. And then there's tohu va bohu, and there's like chaos and order and there's hesed and gvurah like hesed is chaos and gvurah is order, you know, structure. And the world God created is the writing on that ribbon like that ribbon of trail. And you got to start riding your edge. And you play with it. It's it's not something that that you discover in a day. You play with it. You go a little too far. You You feel the pain. You come back in. You feel the boredom. You go back out. You feel the anxiety. You come back in. You're falling asleep. And so you just find the sweet spot. What's the sweet spot? The sweet spot's just beyond your comfort zone. So you can start small. Yeah, I'm not asking for anything big here. You just start small. Just find your enough challenge to demand more of you. Enough uncertainty to make you fully present. I think about that when you when you have uncertainty like you know, like a deer is going to be like enjoying the grass, but the second he smells a bear, there's some uncertainty. He's like fully present. Enough Enough discomfort to stretch your capacity. And um but obviously you you're not going to go too far that you're losing your ability to function safely and securely and doing things right, you know. I mean this isn't about risking too much, you know, but it is risking. And And by the way, as you ride your edge, you're going to see the edge move because what we think is our edge is not our edge. So as you ride your edge, your edge is going to move. It's going to move out. And guess what's going to happen is you're going to trust yourself in ways you just can't believe. Think about it. If you start pushing your edge out and you're really living living at your edge, you're going to have you're going to start trusting yourself not necessarily on the beyond that edge, but you're going to trust yourself on all the stuff before that. You guys hop that? You hop that like like you think I trust myself in the wilderness? You know, I'm deep in the wilderness all the time. All the time. Last night Motzei Shabbos I was on the top of a mountain in my four-wheel drive truck in the middle of nowhere. Middle of nowhere. And with my wife and my two last single kids in the pitch black and the new moon. Pitch black we parked my truck and we hiked to the to a peak. There was a bench up there and we just sat there and it's like there's a there's a trip because now by the way, there's places we could go that would be like dangerous. And I don't trust myself there. I don't know my ability there. But for sure sitting on a bench in the middle of the wilderness off-roading to climbing up this mountain, you start to trust yourself and guess what happens? Anyone going to guess? People start to trust you. People start trusting you. And most important is your wife and kids start trusting you. You can see a man who's not all in doesn't really trust himself cuz he doesn't even know where his edge is. And so he doesn't really trust himself. Well, his wife says, "If he don't trust him, well, how am I supposed to trust him?" You hop? If he doesn't trust himself, how am I supposed to trust him? Whereas a guy who's all in trusts himself up to that edge. Which is a whole bunch of areas that he never would have dreamed of. And then his wife starts trusting. Well, what does it mean your wife now trusts? And we discussed that in another one of the pillars. Is the We spoke about the pillars of the Mashpia, the the plus and the minus. Is that she'll she'll volunteer her full She'll volunteer her full Meaning she'll surrender her full femininity to Which makes her look younger, fresher, more beautiful. She's surrendered. You're married to a surrendered woman. And what could be more more incredible than that? But she can only surrender if she trusts you, and she can only trust you if you trust you. And you can only trust you if you live your edge. If you you got to go all in. You understand? You can't You can't jump into the ocean with one foot still on the sand. >> [laughter] >> That's not jumping in the ocean. You can't You can't get discover the power of going all in while continuously reserving the right to pull out. You got to put both feet in. You got to do the Nachshon. And I'm going to scare you a little bit. I apologize, but listen. I've learned only in Litvish base medrish is all my all my years. So I I just got to scare you a little bit. There's um uh except Shavuos and my rebbe refused to let me uh not be in a Chassidish kollel in Shavuos. I had to be in a Chassidish kollel. He says, "After that, you can go back to your Litvish and base medrish after Shavuos." And so, it's exactly what I did. And I stayed half day in the Chassidish kollel for another 2 years. Now, um uh By the way, if you're wondering what our makor is for this, I'm just going to say you I'm being you out there. Be whole mode there. That's That's your You want to be You want to be you out for this? Be whole mode there. And um So, here's the scary part, split screen. Is when you get upstairs, there's going to be two screens. One screen is what you did, the other screen is um is uh what you could have done. What you did on this screen, what you could have done on that screen. I I talk about this sometimes in the possible year. I say that the difference between the two screens will be how much you're living your life to look good for others. But for us, it'll be how much you you went all in. Cuz, you know, you don't want to die and God's like, "What was that?" Like, "What was What was that, you know? What was it What was your stereo doing on four?" You know, "What was that sukkah built to the size of your family?" You know, "What was that?" You I I promise you you want those screens to match. You got to have those screens matched. All, you know, you you know, it's the life you could have. It's the unused gifts. It's un- unutilized courage. It's the impact you could have had. The man you could have become. And And the What are you going to say to Hashem? He's like, "I gave you strength. I gave you creativity. I gave you passion. I gave you potential. Like, what was that?" But because you held back, you know, you were like you were like you were like someone who got a Ferrari and it's been your entire driving career in a parking lot. I'm going to ask you guys just everyone right now, where you at volume four one aspect of your life right now? Just think about it. What aspect of your life you have volume four? Just choose it right now. Close your eyes a second. Everyone just close your eyes. And just think about it one aspect of your life where you're just not play not all in. You're not playing big there. Just choose one place, one area where you're holding back. That you got your fear keeping you there. And now I don't want you to jump out of there. I don't need you to but keep your eyes closed a moment and think now about one action you can do this next week. Just to give you a little taste of what the reward is going to be, but think of one action that you can do this week that would take you out of that comfort zone. Nothing reckless, nothing irresponsible, just but fully committed. And I'm going to ask you all to stop postponing your life. Stop postponing it. It's time. Cuz when you stand before the Ribono shel Olam, you want to be able to say I didn't hold back. And I I didn't play small. I went all in. I sang my song. I gave my gifts. There's nothing left. You want to take your whole body and just like a drape give it back to the creator.