Control Yourself | Being the Man Training – Session 8

and welcome back to being the man. And today we're working on pillar number five, which is probably one of the hardest ones, and that is self-control. Um the other ones are hard because we just don't know what we're doing. So, that makes it really hard cuz, you know, all other pillars we don't know what we're doing when it comes to them, but this particular one self-control is so hard, and it's the subject of a million different podcasts and um you know, a million different self-help go-to books, and everyone's everyone's talking about how to control yourself. And it it's it's really a toughy. And you know, and I'm not offering any silver bullets, either. But, we are going to dissect the subject together now and um and develop, you know, what what we need, and I'll give you a practical a practical like last thing to work on, you know, at the end. So, as we know, who is the strong man? And says in Pirkei Avot that it's koivish et yitzro, someone who has um who has uh I don't know how you would say koivish uh conquered conquered his yetzer. And it's important to know that your yetzer hara is which is the thing that gets you to just do stupid stuff and not control yourself. The yetzer hara is really your best friend. It's really it's to'eles moyid, your yetzer hara. Um because think about it, without your yetzer hara you have nothing. You know, there's no choice, choice wouldn't even mean anything, doing the right thing wouldn't mean anything. Without the yetzer hara, there's nothing. It is your best friend. But, it also can can knock you out. And it's got so many secret ways of doing it. So and and changes coordinates every single day. So if you think like you wake up the next day and you're like like I remember I know what it got me how it got me yesterday so I'm all set. Mhm. It's got a whole new way um today where you're not going to see it. And by the way, one of the secrets for dealing with the yetzer hara that exposes its new coordinates is Torah study. Even a little bit. Like open up a piece of Torah in the morning and uh and you'll see your your yetzer hara much clearer. And [snorts and clears throat] know where it's at. But but that's the first thing is to know it's your best friend and it's there to give you meaning. It's there to give you reward cuz there is no meaning without it. There really is no meaning. You know, no yetzer hara then everything would just be a Hashem Hashem Hashem Hashem Hashem which you might say is very meaningful. But because you're a chooser, because you're the whole point of our life is choice. So choosing Hashem when there's no other choice is meaningless. And so you did did Don't be upset about your yetzer hara. Don't be you know, don't don't And and as we develop this you'll understand not to feel bad when you blow it either. So goes like this. Um one of the one of the aspects which we've spoken about several times is to is self-trust. And when we fall in yetzer hara patterns we often lose trust of ourselves and that and that's really a shame to to lose your self-trust. So yetzer hara is built for you to fall so that you can get back up again as we're going to describe a little later. But the but the fact is that the better you get at it the more you trust yourself the more you trust yourself the more We've talked about this so many times but the more you trust yourself the more your loved ones trust you because they see you're trusting yourself, the more the people at work trust you. It builds you in business like nobody's business to be someone of self-trust. You know, as the famous um uh one of the wealthiest men in the world, the elderly one, I always forget his name, but I don't know what it is with his name and me, but um >> Warren Buffett. >> Thank you. I mean, you exactly Warren Buffett, he will not go into a merger unless it's um one lawyer per side as opposed to this like as opposed to this like giant team of um as opposed to a giant team of of lawyers. It's one lawyer. And on each side, and they're they have to be able to write the entire deal on one piece of paper, no like 2,000 pages of legal things that could possibly happen because the other one cheated. And so you want to protect yourself. They have to [snorts] be able to write it on one side, you flip the page, he'll walk out of the meeting. He'll just walk out. So, the the um the the point is is that Warren Buffett trusts himself and everyone trusts him, and he only does deals with people who trust themselves. Okay. Now, the um here's something that's just so basic, but it's impulse. Meaning a an impulse comes your way and and you react. But there's this pause, which is called proactive, and it's the famous thing [music] from the um it's a famous thing from the uh Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. In the Seven Habits, the one of the most important is being proactive versus reactive. So, someone who's reactive doesn't have self-control. So, like the guy cuts you off and you're immediately like honking your horn and and you know, I don't want to I don't know if you wave at him with your middle finger. But the But it's a it's it's a reaction. Your Your wife says something and you react. Your kid does something and you react. So, that's called reactive and that's animal instinct. Okay, that's not being a human being. It's certainly not being a man. But being proactive says that that there's you know, something happened and I have a moment of choice. There's a moment of free will here. It's not just saying someone did something and then I react. There's There's a moment. And what that is is a pause. So, what I'd like all of you to do and be careful if you're driving if we do any meditations today, but they But what I'd like you to do right now is everyone take a moment and think about something that comes up in your life that you are lacking in self-control. Everyone just take a moment and think about where you're lacking self-control. >> [gasps] >> And we're going to be discussing um several arenas. So, if you want help with that, it's in things you say um anger uh appetite otherwise known as ta'avahs where you lack self-control. Um where you put your mental attention if you're lacking self-control in that. Um things you do with your body. Um which could be a compulsion or something you you just do without any control. Um [clears throat and snorts] your time like wasting time. A lot of people feel they have no self-control in that. And um And [clears throat] And And whatever. That's That's enough of a list. But everyone take a moment and think about You know, it could be a but something that you're feeling that you're lacking self-control. Think about one thing. Okay. Now, what I want you to do is meditate on the urge to do it. Like you're about you're it's the thing right before it, right before you're going to get angry, right before you have the taiva, the right before you um your brain goes off on, you know, overthinking it. So, just take a moment and think about what would what came up that triggered it. Okay. And now, close your eyes a moment. And since meaning meditate on this. Just close your eyes, breathing. And whatever that thing is that triggers you, see yourself reacting straight into the response. Meaning you just went straight from stimulus to response. Something happened. That's the trigger, stimulus. And then you go right into that response. And now, I want you to see it again. Keep your eyes closed and see it again, that same exact trigger. Only you take a deep breath now. Right now, take a deep breath. And pause. Just pause. And ask yourself, "How am I responding? How do I want to respond to this? What's my response?" And now, see yourself doing the opposite response or not responding. Just putting a pause between stimulus and response. Putting a pause between the trigger and the reaction. Okay, you can open your eyes. And the So So, next thing we're we're doing is is I want to switch the subject now to uh lacking self-control in your thinking. What I mean by that? What I'm talking about is obsessive thinking. I know there's something diagnosed called OCD. Jews generally don't have the C part. OCD is obsessive-compulsive disorder. The compulsive are people who are like you see them pulling on their beard all the time or they're um whatever they're fidgeting with their hands or they're washing their hands like over and over again. That's called compulsion. And that's not popular to Jews. What's popular to Jews is the O part. We should just call it OD, but I don't think that sounds very nice. Um but it's the obsessive disorder and why? Because Jews have a very high IQ and our IQ is specialized for analytical thinking. That we we analyze everything and unfortunately we often analyze ourselves. Those who did the possibility seminar, which is in Brooklyn by the way, this coming Sunday and then months in the fall. The when we are are thinking obsessively, we are um very often analyzing ourselves. But you could be analyzing anything. You could be analyzing something someone said. You could be analyzing an accusation. You could be analyzing what your boss is thinking. You could be analyzing what you're what I mean it's just a Jew will make himself crazy. Now, I want to teach you about two types of analysis that are problematic. And one is called overuse and the other is misuse. So there's um let's first divide the thinking. So you have your right brain, which is called flow, and then you have your left brain, which is called structure thinking. So your right brain is going to be in That's your creative brain. That's just going to be in the flow like a river flowing down the mountain. Okay? That's your flow state of thinking. And then you have the left brain, which is the analytical brain. Which is Which is again, with Jews, it's super strong. And you must You as a Jewish man must balance between the flow thinking and the structure thing. You need them both, but you need to be able to choose which way to go. I mean, you need to be able to retrain yourself to stay in flow thinking unless you're being asked to analyze something because a Jew will go there naturally. Jew will just go into an analysis. And you you have to be able to get into that flow. So, let's put it look at analysis as like a whirlpool on the side of a river, which uh by the way, I just for those of you who are Yiddish speakers, I'll give you a new vocabulary word. So, you know what a whirlpool is? Where the water's turning on itself like at the side of the river? Yeah, there's no It's not filtering with the river. It's just getting stuck over there. That's where you might find a plastic bottles or It's turning green after a while. You know, maybe it's a brown. The The water's not circulating. It's just staying in there. So, the term for that is eddy. That's called an eddy. Like the name Eddie, like someone named Edward often is called Eddie. So, that's called an eddy. And the free flow thinking is just the river. And it's it's And you think 60,000 thoughts a day. That's 3,500 thoughts an hour. And And but if you're in flow thinking, you're just moving with the flow, which is the way, for example, the Gemara keeps changing subjects. And one daf could have 10 subjects cuz it's set up in free flow thinking. Each subject is analytical. So interesting, the Gamorah is analytical. But, the subjects are free flow. A conversation with a friend is free flow thinking. You know, you're talking to a friend for a half hour and after a while you're like, "How did we get to that?" But, if you checked it out, the free flow thinking it's another term for it is associative thinking cuz that associates with that which associates with that associates with that. Now, um what happens in analytical thinking is you're on one subject and you're drilling into that one subject. And and what that can do is cause an eddy. So, there's two types of um I'm going to call that thinking process thinking. So, free flow thinking process thinking. You got the distinction? Yeah? Free flow versus process. Analytical thinking is process thinking. The two dangers in process thinking is is overuse and misuse. Overuse means that you get into analytical thinking and you don't stop. And so, you're just in there. For example, some people have that as their job. Like, for example, a lawyer or an accountant. Uh someone who's in programming. They're in analytical thinking for hours and hours and hours and hours straight. Well, you know what You know what overuse of process thinking causes? It causes stress. Overuse of process thinking causes stress. And therefore, you got to know when it's time to take a break, Hershey. Yeah? You got to know when it's time to to, you know, let up on your process thinking there, Steve. And you need You got to know when it's time to take a break. And what happens is you're you're you're in that analytical thinking, you've got to be able to have the self-control to cut out into free flow thinking. And one of the things you can do is just put a little background music or something like meditative type music, nothing just enough that you hear it. And to know when to take breaks. You The person Who's the person least likely to take a break? Process thinking or the free flow thinker? Answer is the process thinker. He's the least likely to take a break. Tell me, which one is most important to be taking breaks? The free flow thinker or the process thinker? The process thinker. He's the one with the myth for the take breaks. He needs to take breaks and he needs to get out into the river where everything washes through. Now, I told you there's two dangers. One is overuse and the other is misuse. Overuse process thinking means you're just overdoing it, which we discussed. Um process thinking, sorry. Misuse of a process thinking is where your your brain is not trustworthy to do the do the actual analysis. You're no good at it, your pusillanimous, meaning Adam Carberry is a lot smarter. You're you're you're you're misusing the thinking. You're building whole like castles out of sand that if you had just discussed it with someone, someone would say you're be crazy. Think that these people aren't even thinking about it. The people you're worried about what they're thinking aren't thinking about you. You know, but meanwhile you're like you're like you created a whole world of, you know, what what they must be thinking. You know, women do a lot of misuse thinking. Like those who are married know what I'm talking about. There's a lot of misuse misuse thoughts where the analyst the analysis just off. They're just off. And they and you know, it's just misused thinking. And the So So So the way I'd like you to to see it is imagine taking a bucket of red dye and pouring it into a flowing river. Now, what's going to show up after about I don't know, 20 seconds? What's going to What's going to be in the river? Answer is clear water. Why? Because the river flowing at 15 mph that you pour a bucket of red dye in, I don't care how big the bucket is. Pour it in, it'll be red. And then it It's gone. Um [clears throat] That's free flow thinking. But what happens if you pour a bucket of red dye into an eddy? Into an eddy, what's going to be in 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes? The whole eddy becomes red, right? The whole eddy becomes red. Now, I'd like to introduce all of you to a person inside your own head. We're going to give him a name. You know what his name is? Red Eddie. Say it. Red Eddie. And say, "That's Red Eddie thinking. That's Red Eddie speaking." Okay? Ready Eddie, and this is a major yet Sahara of people. Red Eddie is the part of you that will just obsess. Just obsess. And that's the OD. That's the obsessive disorder where you go into Red Eddie mode and and all it would take is talk to one person that just be like, "You are completely off your rocker." But you've spun yourself, you know, you've you've tied yourself into a knot. You've spun a spider web around your your life with that overthinking. Now, there's um several things to do about that. One of them is the anti-anxiety breaths, which I'll teach you guys right now. Okay, let's play with that anti-anxiety breath. So, what we're going to do is we're going to breathe in twice through the nose real fast. It's going to be stomach, chest, and then a long exhale. Okay? Stomach, chest, long exhale. Listen to me do it. You should be able to hear it. You not hold your breath. Try that. It's not so easy to quit, but close your eyes, you'll feel yourself relaxing. Stomach, chest, exhale, long exhale. Stomach, chest, long exhale. Okay? Another thing is to get present is to um breathe in and out through the nose alone. And as you breathe in and out through the nose, you hear the words in your head. As you breathe in, it's I. As you breathe out, am. Breathe in, here. Breathe out, now. Breathe in, in. Breathe out, this. I am here now in this. Say those words over and over again till you get it memorized. I am here now in this. I am here now in this. What's this? This could be your bed. This could be a meeting. This could be a um uh davening. It could be Meaning it's not my brain. It is where I'm at and what I'm doing. I am here now in this. Say that over and over. Let's go again. I am here. Right now, you're in a You're in my my my being the man thing. So, that's where you are right now. So, I am here now in this. I'm nowhere else. I'm just right here right now in this. I am here now in this. And uh let me teach you another powerful one. And this will by the way, if you're ever having trouble falling asleep, do I am here now in this breathing in and out of your nose, you'll be asleep after like 10 15 rounds. You'll already be like because where are you? You're in your bed. Like you're nowhere else. Right here, right now, in this in this bed. Um but I'll teach you another trick. Close your eyes. Look to the right. Look to the left. Roll your eyes counterclockwise. So that it start on the right coming down to the left. Roll your eyes left to right now, which is clockwise. Left to right. And then look down towards your nose a little bit and then exhale. >> [snorts] >> Okay. Again, inhale. And you look right. Look left. Clockwise counterclockwise to the right and around circle with your eyes. A left circle with your eyes, clockwise. And then look quickly towards your nose and then exhale. And I actually put that together with I am here now in this. So it look like this. Look like this. Uh Uh uh you can watch my eyes. You can actually watch my eyes. I am here now Uh sorry. Let me I went forgot to go the other way. Ready? Watch my eyes. I am here now in this. I am here now in this. And I'm doing it with the inhales and the exhales the whole time through my nose. Oh my gosh, you're like you're asleep instantly. But for those of you who get to red eddy mode a lot of the time, you can And again, this is with the eyes closed. You get into red eddy mode, this will this will get you right where you need to be. Now, next is as follows. We're talking about self-control, guys. We did a lot on on the mental game. But, I don't think you guys were thinking about the mental game when you think about self-control. Self-control means, unlike the basic level of a man, is that you can say no. Is that you can say no. And you can say no. You [snorts] might say yes every 20 times, but but you can say no. You know, in in Chinese medicine, it's uh which is like one of the most ancient medical uh systems, they talk a lot about abstaining, meaning meaning when they talk about uh shiv hazera, they they really are very big on on never ever doing that. And that's what makes the man. That's what makes the man. Now, obviously, in the Jewish world, it's you're not allowed to do it livat talah. But, but the control that you have is the is the making of the man that the Rambam talks about it. That's what makes you strong. And the So, that is the the empowerment of a man is that he can say no, but here's the thing. What happens when you do it anyway? What do you do when you fall? What happens when you fall in anything? You overate, you wasted your time. You know, you um you obsessed in in thoughts. What happens when you blow it? When you you drink the garbage drink or you ate the garbage snack. Or you Or you um Or you didn't get out of bed. So, this is one of the greatest secrets I'm going to share with you right now. Is that the yetzer hara has no interest in you doing the wrong thing. It has no interest in one of avera. It doesn't care about one avera. What the yetzer hara cares about is all the averas you'll do after you did the one avera. So, by the way, for people who are listening to this and don't know the Hebrew I'm speaking. So, the the avera is the sin. But this What is the sin? The sin The word sin literally is And the word hate means you missed the mark. You meaning This is what I should have been doing as a man, but I fell. And I did the wrong thing. Now, why would you do the wrong thing? Because you have an evil inclination that got you to do the wrong thing. So, what am I saying then? The one then it sounds like the evil inclination cares to get you to do the wrong thing. No, it doesn't care about the wrong thing. You know what it cares about? It cares about all the things you'll do having done the wrong thing. I want you to get that. It's interested in all the things you'll wind up doing having already blown it because you made the mistake, because you fell. How much more to do? The yetzer hara isn't isn't interested in one ham sandwich. You know what it wants? It wants the Las Vegas smorgasbord. Okay? It wants it all. Well, how's it going to get you to do it all? It's not going to get you to move to Vegas and start eating, you know, eating the the shrimp cocktails and the lobster. It's not going to be able to get you to do that. So, what does it do? It just tries to get you to do one thing. And if it can get you to do that one thing, so then what happens is you immediately start abusing yourself. You start beating yourself up. What kind of What kind of shake it's are you? What kind of you know bad guy are you? And once you're that bad guy, well, what are What are sins if not for the bad guy? Sins are for the bad guy. Well, if you've now done one wrong thing and now you're the bad guy, well, then you you've got endless wrong things available to you. You got What's going on? Yetzer is interested in one sin. Yetzer is interested in the Las Vegas Schmoegersburg that it will get if you just do the wrong thing. Just do it once. And for that reason, there's a lesson to be learned. And what is that lesson? That when I fall, I rise. That's the lesson. When I fall, I rise. If you fall, get up immediately, dust yourself off, and keep walking. When I fall, I rise. The opposite of that is you clearly understand now is that when I fall, I stay down. When I fall, I get I I'm just now that bad guy. So, I'm not going to get out of bed, and I'm going to [snorts] click on this thing, and I'm going to click on that thing, and I'm going to wind up in all that trouble, and then I'm already going to do this, and then I'm already going to do that, and then >> [clears throat] >> you know you understand that you become the guy you are you're saying you are. And the the antidote to this, the answer the the medicine for this is that you say, "When I fall, I rise." Please move your lips and say, "When I fall, I rise." When I fall, I rise. Okay? And it comes with a song. You might have heard me sing it before, but you're going to learn a song now. So, I'm expecting you to sing. Keep your mic muted, but let's learn a song. You ready? When I fall, I rise. When I fall, I rise. When I fall, I rise. Let me see your lips. When I fall, I rise. Keep going. When I fall, I rise. Like a man. When I fall, I rise. When I fall, I rise. When I fall, I rise. And this is how you beat it. This is how you beat that whole system. Is if you fall, you rise. Now, what is this flying in the face of? This flies in the face of the 12-step program. Why? Because the 12-step program, whether it's, you know, uh Overeaters Anonymous or Drugs Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous or Gamblers Anonymous or or S Anonymous. And by the way, I just want to say something about S Anonymous. And, you know, hopefully I'm not going to get killed for saying this, but this is going to be very controversial. But, S Anonymous, which you can imagine the S word, is um it may help people, so I'm not saying it doesn't help people. It may help people, and I'm sure it's helped people, otherwise it wouldn't exist. But, I want you to realize that anything having to do with sexuality takes place in the mind. Think about it. You could be in the perfect situation for sexuality, but your mind's on the baseball game, or your mind's on business, your mind's on the news, your mind's on Yeah. Tell me, does it work? You start to realize that yeah, of course sexuality includes the body. You didn't think it You were thinking it is the body, but guess what? No mind, no body. No mind, no body. Well, part of the 12-step program is you sit in meetings and people take turns talking about how they fell so that they can get back up. In other words, you're going to the meeting to basically engage in sexuality. Not with the body, but with the mind. And so, meeting Alcoholics Anonymous, these people don't drink. But you So, you go in, you hear stories about what people went through when they drank, or obviously you'll hear a story of someone who fell that week. They're the ones who get to speak first if they fell and they drank. But it's not something that occurs so much to the mind. Alcohol is a physical addiction. And it's not so much a mental addiction, although you obviously you're going to get your mental game together. Now, um Oh, an important point. Where did it go? Anyway, the the bottom line for us is is that if you fall, dust yourself off and get right back up. So, one of the other problems with 12 steps is they count days. What's the problem with counting days? And I remember what I was going to talk about is that um is that Have you ever met someone who's obsessed about something like like golf or surfing or a particular hobby or uh to say for a book, you know. And you imagine Imagine you meet a guy who's obsessed about golf and only does he talk about golf all day. So, you go up to the guy and you're like, "So, how long you playing golf?" He's like, "I don't play golf." And what do you mean you don't play golf? That's all you think about. That's all you talk about. And he's like, "Well, I don't play golf." I once played golf, but I don't play golf anymore. Well, how long you not playing golf? 20 years. And you want to tell me you go to golf meetings every single day? So, in other words, does it make any I'm asking you guys this question. Does it make any sense to obsess about something you don't do? You get that? You get what I'm talking about? So, therefore, the counting of days of the days you didn't do what you don't do is a little nuts. What it does is it keeps it constantly on the forefront of your mind. If you're going to spend any energy in your life focusing on what you don't By the way, you should know the 12-step program saves lives. I send people to 12-step program. I'm all about saving lives with 12 steps. It's a fabulous program. But for regular healthy normal people to obsess about something you don't do is just putting in your front of your mind at all times. >> [laughter] >> And then you're going to go to meetings about it? About what you don't do and you haven't done in so long. So, what happens is I'll speak to somebody, you know, someone will come up to me and they'll say, "Yeah, he's been so good. He hasn't done such and such in 30 days." And like I'm like, "Really? 30 days?" And he's like, "Well, actually, it's 33 days, but tonight it's going to be 34 days." And what happens is those guys usually come to me and they're like, "Yeah, it was at 91 days and I just collapsed." So, tell me, how long can you hold a uh a pull-up? You know, like you pull yourself up and hold yourself there. How long you going to hold yourself there? You know, eventually your arms are shaking and eventually you're going to release the bar. And so, in self-control, it's not about counting and it's not about obsessing about what you don't do. And if you wind up doing it, you know what? Get up. Get up and move on. Move on because as I told you, the yetzer hara doesn't care about the fact that you fell once. It wants what it gets when you beat yourself up over over what you did. Now, um shh I'll give you guys all a 7-day challenge now. There's so much more to talk about. When we get to the Kabbalah, self-control's going to be like a very important part of everything. And um and we're going to be tracking our self-control throughout. Um I want you to take on a challenge right now. So, I'm going to take a moment and think about something you'd like to get control over. I'm going to do it, too. So, just take a moment. And and what you're going to do is each day over the next 7 days, you're just going to track your self-control on that thing. If you fall on it, just get back up. But, you're going to be cognizant of it throughout the week. And by the time we're together next Sunday, you're going to um you're going to be in already a way better place on that particular subject. But here's the thing before we get before I let you guys go, I just want you to take a moment and think what happens right before you wind up there. Is it cuz you have free time all of a sudden? Is it because of a trigger like someone said something to you? Is there a specific person in your life that causes you to go there? But think for a second, what is it that gets you there? Is it your bathroom break? You know, you go to the bathroom and then you wind up there for 20 minutes. So, what is the thing that happens right before? And now make some kind of rule. Make some kind of rule. And when I say make a rule, go easy on yourself. Don't make it some crazy rule that's that's like what I call the frumietza. Which is which is being machmir on yourself, which is just going to fail. And give yourself a rule that's lenient. You know, I mean, if you get stuck in doom scrolling on YouTube shorts or something, make your rule that you're going to do 10. You're going to do 10. You're not going past 10. You scroll 10 shorts, it's no longer shorts, now it's longs. Okay? So, give yourself give yourself a rule. And what we're going to do is each day track ourselves. I mean, obviously once the habura starts, we'll be properly tracked. Those with technology will use their smartphone. Other other guys will be cuz you're going to have an app that's going to be tracking you.