Being the Rock | Being the Man Training – Session 3

Today is called being the rock. Yeah. Be the rock. It's being that steadiness in the storm of life. Yeah. To be to be the one who's who's the stability. So think for a second of like the steadiest Jew you've ever known. Like who's been the rock in in your life? I mean, you'll notice if you go there's certain people when your life's flipping around upside down and all around and you're doing back flips, you'll notice that you'll have um you'll have certain people that you can go to and before they even open their mouth, there's a certain stability that's already, you know, entered the entered reality. So, so I want you to think for a second, who are the people that are are the stabilizing people? Who stabilizes for you? And what we're going to do is we're going to become that person. We've got to be that. We got to be it for our wives. We got to be it for our kids. Got to be it for the community. We got to be the rock in our lives. You know, elderly people are often rock. Like especially if they've been through stuff. Like um I don't know if you've met some Holocaust survivors, but there's like almost nothing you can say to them that that affects them too much. You know, they're just like, "Yeah, whatever." you know, they're not going to be um there's not much that'll shake them. They've been shaken already. And you'll find someone in general who's been through a lot of experience. And you'll see that when things get chaotic, you're just like, that's where you want to be. You want to be with one of these people. Um so, so far we did in being the man, we did living on purpose, which means that you are um you have something greater going on beyond the house. Remember the pyramid of meaning is the top is Hashem, then is your purpose, then is the family. Okay? A woman doesn't respect a man whose purpose is the family. Okay? And the kids aren't that interested in that either. Okay? They a woman is sacrificing for something greater than, you know, she's sacrificing to have a family. You're but she's but the whole sacrifice for a greater purpose. Number two was to own it. Stop waiting for someone to come wipe your nose. Stop waiting for other people to take care of things. Just stop waiting and and be on it. And um I would love to hear feedback. You're welcome to WhatsApp me, but I'd asked everybody to um in the morning for seven days, ask yourself what would I what do I really want done for me today? And then go do it yourself. Like ask that question in the morning and then go do it. That was your homework. There's going to be more homework this week, but I'd love to hear feedback. You know, anyone has feedback on those things, please send it my way. So, so today now, so we got living on purpose, own it, meaning own the stuff that you got to get done, and now we're on being the rock. And so, let's start with uh whitewater rapids. We'll kind of use that. We have several analogies we're going to use today, but the first is whitewater rapids. Now, if you ever been to a river with big rapids, you know, imagine that that you weren't there for for fun. You were hanging out on the side of the river and and now the rapids are big and and you know, imagine like Niagara Falls is like a mile away. So, like it's like everything looks great, but Niagara Falls is coming. Imagine a rock in the middle of that river. If you were in that river, you're just jumping for that rock. You're going for that rock. And and that's what we want is is we're not grabbing the water. We're not grabbing the branches floating by. We're not grabbing anything. We're not grabbing the fish in the water. What are you grabbing? You're grabbing for the rock. And and that's what that's what we need to be because life's like a river, man, right? Life is is, you know, rushing sometimes and sometimes it's very turbulent. And what we really want to be is that rock. We can't always be that rock for ourselves. Sometimes our we're going upside down. We're going vertigo and and we go for someone else as the rock. But this part of being the man is you being the rock. Now the so let's let's um so what I want to share now is that that the we share emotional climate meaning our nervous systems are like borrowing from each other. We're always borrowing from each other. Let me give you an analogy. Um one time you know in your shallay uh families sleep sleep in the suka. Not just the fathers or the sons like the whole family sleeps in the suka. A lot of your sha you'll notice that there's a door to their suka from the outside and on the other side is the door to their house. So if you like come into the suka you walk through the suka then you get the door to their house. So a lot of people don't know this but your sheli women and daughters sleep in suka with the with the whole family sleeps in the suka. And so after the parties are cleared the beds come out and everyone goes into the suka. And so we live in our shel community and and we're all going to sleep and all the guests have left and the first night of suk laying there on the bed. I'm looking up at the and I notice my kids are just like out cold. They're all just like, you know, just sloughed. And I look at my wife out cold. And I'm just like, okay, 1 in the morning, 2 in the morning, 2:30 in the morning. I'm like, when do I get to go to sleep? And I realized that, you know, my I wasn't feeling comfortable. You know, I was feeling anxious out there, you know, outside my house, you know, and the and then finally at around 2:45 in the morning, I looked at my kids and I said, you know, they're sleeping cuz I'm in here. And then I look at my wife and I said, "She's sleeping because I'm in here. Who's who's going to take care of me?" And then I looked back at the and I and I got it and I'm like, "Got it, Hashem. You're taking care of me." And then I fell asleep like that second. I fell asleep, slept the rest of sukus. And in other words, listen carefully. They were borrowing from my nervous system. Meaning like Tati's here, the rocks here, and they fell right to sleep. Get that? People are we're borrowing from each other's nervous systems. So you could be with someone who's freaking out and then you start freaking out. You're borrowing from their nervous system. You can be with someone who's freaking out and you are, you know, and you're the stability in that situation. And so what you discover is that we're all kind of using each other for this like chain of stability. And our job obviously is to connect to Hashem for that. That's that's our job. Now, um, so in Hashem, that's what we're talking about in as far as like the suka story is is in Hashem, that we're trusting Hashem, that Hashem's got this. So, the first step in being the rock is is to know that he's got this. Like, Hashem is in charge of everything of everything. And you you know what happens is sometimes you're in a crisis and now you're losing your own stability. You're not being the rock and then you wind up in these loops of trying to figure out how to deal with it. But the problem is you're you're the guy who got yourself into this mess. You're the you're not going to get yourself out in some kind of crazy loop of you trying to figure everything out. And so you need both outside to help. But the most important thing you need is to breathe and to stop stop ruminating. stop, you know, trying to figure everything out because you're getting less stabilized and less regulated emotionally. And so to know that everything is for a purpose. Even the worst thing you ever went through is for a purpose. There's no situation that wasn't a with a purpose. And I've been I've been in situation where I've been pretty upset, you know. I've been wronged. Yeah, we've all been wronged. and and the what are you doing when you've been wrong? You know, what are you doing when you've been wronged? What are you doing? You're you're thinking how to get back at them. You're thinking how to fix it. You're thinking how to blame. You're thinking how to how to um you know, do a lawyer, get a lawyer, go to your therapist, you know, get some get some uh anti-anxiety medication. like you're doing everything you can to solve it, but in the end you realize that you grew so much from it that you don't it's almost like you should be thanking this person. If you get to the growth, the way you get to the growth is to say to Hashem, I know this is for a reason. I know there's a purpose for this. The reason we're discussing this right now is because here we are talking about being the rock. But but what do you do when you're in a crisis? What do you do when you're down? What do you do when you when you you can't find your own balance? And so you you got to realize that it's all for a purpose. It's all exactly as as it was meant to be. This is custommade special ordered delivery to your door. whatever it is you're going through and to to somehow recognize that Hashem's running this. Now, uh I'll share with you a quick story. It's a cute story. Uh and sukus, I don't know why I'm on two analogies from sukus, but I guess sukus is all about. So, so on sukus my um my estrig I had a very special estrogen and I was so excited to bench the estrig and make chef on my est. I open up the box and I look at my estrig and the pto's broken off my sax's puzzle and I spent a lot of money on that sug. searched for a long time to get to that estster and I was so excited to open up that ESG and make my and I wound up with a with a puzzle er I'm embarrassed to say this but I started crying I was very emotional I probably hadn't slept much the night before you know until I realized Hashem was taking care of me you know it's first day of sukas and anyway I started crying I was like oh man so whatever I borrowed someone else's I I made my brahas and um and afterwards when we're going through to say gyant to the reb when I got to the reb I said to him reb my my the pitum broke off my puzzle you know the rebi sees my face he sees I'm like I'm so destroyed by this so you know what he does he says to the gabi and right next to the rebi is a bunch of estrog that are all rebisha that people buy him I guess people buy maybe something he bought. And he points to a certain box and the gabbe brings it and I open it up and I'm like I mean this was twice as nice as my aster and the rebby says this is your aster this sukus and yeah m is so and I started crying out of joy. I was so excited. Anyway, later we're leaving Shul and I get home and I can't wait to tell my wife the story. I open up the little blue sakit like a shook bag. Open up the ski to show her the estrog and guess what? I accidentally took some little kid's barely cauter like a like a like a like a 40 shekele aster I took. I sent my kid, my one of my sons all the way back to Shul to Pins Carlen to get the get the you know the right bag gone. It's not there. And one day goes by I like wrote a note with my left hand for the missing estria. By the way, I cried when I saw this estster in when I showed my wife the ink. I cried and then I saw the wrong est. They started crying. Anyway, after a few days, some father said, "Yeah, I finally got my son to, you know, his like seven-year-old to shake Lulu." He went to get his estrog. He pulls out this rubbish and I realized that that note must have been for me. So, here's your aster. This was like on like the fifth day of sukus. I finally get the rebish. And of course, I cried in joy like I got my aster back. And anyway, at the end of Sukis, I went to the Rebi and I told him the whole story and the Rebi says, "Yom, you're a yo-yo. You're a yo-yo." Like, you you you had your egg. You lost your egg. I gave you my you lost my you found my You're like you're a yo-yo. He's like, "Yumto, look whose finger is in holding the string. Look whose finger is holding the string." Just little movements he's making. And you're like up and down and up and down and up and down. Keep your eyes up top. And so for all of us, the message is that um it's the it's a bet message to know that that don't don't go flying up and down every everything. You're you're that it's all part of this incredible plan of Hashem's and that creates the stability. Now we're going to segue into my famous Melik class. When someone's living on purpose and the woman is hitting her height of femininity, all is good. All is good. As long as you're living on purpose. So, what do I mean? The height of her femininity. Women's femininity, meaning being a woman, goes up and down. It goes in waves, up and down, and up and down. Sometimes the feminine's up and sometimes it's down. When it's up, she feels less secure. She's in the ultimate and feminine. And when it's down, she feels more stable. So up represents chaos. Down represents order. Men are meant to be the order. So when a woman's femininity goes up and she's feeling more chaos, she looks to us to be the stability. meaning when she's at the height of the feminine, she's looking for the masculine. We'll be discussing that in later sessions, but that's the polarity we're looking for, where there's a plus and there's a minus, like electrical or batteries. Yeah. We're supposed to have a polarity between us. Um, when we're living on purpose, which was our first week, when we're living on purpose, so then she's she's got she's she's great. So, she hits her height of her femininity and she's married to the man. And so all is good. But the thing is, are we always there? Are we always on like is a man always feeling on fire like he's doing what he's meant to be doing in this world and living on purpose? No. We're not always there. And because we're not always there. So then what happens is is that she is going to attack. Okay? She's going to go attack mode. If you're not living on purpose and she hits the feminine wave, you're gonna get it. Okay? You're gonna get it. That's it. And and they're very good at attacking. Some are worse than others. Obviously, Hungarians are very rough. Hungarian women, you know, they don't just stick the knife and they they turn it. Yeah. And and they know your parents. They know your weak spots. they know the little wounded boy and that they can bring you right back to that wounded boy like that. You know, they they and it's like there's just no mercy. There's no mercy when they're in this state. And and what's happening for most men, unfortunately, is instead of being a man, he turns into a cat, like a little kitty cat. Cuz what happens when you attack a cat? So, it tries to run. It does everything to get away. So most men go to min for 2 to three hours and um and if he and then he comes back from min she's still after him. So then he'll go to the bathroom for another hour. But if he already went to the bathroom and he already did min then and she's still attacking. Most men don't know what they're doing. So they'll they'll actually fight her. So you have fight and flight. Men use flight because you're not going to win a fight when she's doing this. But you will win a fight when there's no other choice. If she backs you into the corner, then you will make her wrong. That's what you do. You make her wrong, which is, you know, like, come on. So, running away, that's a cat. Fighting is a cat backed into a corner, also a cat. What kind of man fights a woman? But we can be put in that position and next thing we know, we're fighting. So, what do you do if she attacks? What's the move? So the answer is that when she attacks you go into full melik mode and you also you again she's she's gone very instinctual. This is part of the whole feminine mammals is they're they're what they're doing right now is she is fitness testing and many mammals fitness test the males. She's fitness testing her man. She's checking to see if she's got a man or is she got a cat. Who's she married to? A man or a mouse? And there's only one way to find out. Just attack him and see how he does. If he runs away, he's a cat. If he fights, he's a cat. So, what do you do? You sit up straight. Yeah. You get yourself like, if you're sitting, you sit up as straight as possible. If you're standing, stand as straight as possible. And your shoulders back, head right in the middle. Yeah. None of this stuff. None of that stuff. That makes you shorter and makes you weak. You are straight up, shoulders back. You want to create all the lines that her her instincts are looking for for the um the sense that she's got a man across from her. Super good eye contact. You're doing what's called an inner smile. Yeah. I'm going to give you guys what an inner smile looks like. It's not an outer smile. You do an outer smile, she's going to kill you. Okay. An inner smile looks like this. You just look like this. breathing steady inner smile. You can kind of see it in the eyes. Real good eye contact. Just staring into the eyes of your wife. And and then she's firing away whatever she's saying. It's of utmost importance that you do not listen to a word she says. You cannot listen to her while she's while she's in that state. What you do instead is you you you hear the whole time mel I'm a me for my wife. That's all you hear while she's saying whatever she's saying. You don't even hear what she's saying. You're just hearing me. I'm a me for wife. Let's try that everybody. Put your hands behind your like put your fingers behind your earlobes and go in your deepest voice. Mel me. I'm a me for my wife. And when she finishes everything that she's saying, she might ask you questions. She might say, "So, where are we going this chabas?" Or or where you want to send that kid to school or or uh whatever it is, you know? So, what do you got to say for yourself? How are you supposed to answer? You weren't listening to anything she said. So, the answer is, um, I need to think about it. Let me, you know, I'm going to think about it. If it's night time, tell her you're gonna sleep on it. I'm gonna sleep on it. Yeah. And she'll just be like, but you're not gonna say because you don't have what to say. You weren't even listening. Certainly not going to fight about something you didn't listen to. Yeah. You don't even know the subject. And check this out. You ask her 24 hours later what she said. Like, let's say it was 5:00 p.m. And you're like, "Do you remember what you said yesterday to me at 5:00 p.m.?" 5 p.m. How am I supposed to know what I said at 5? You know, yesterday evening, we're having that talk in the kitchen. I don't remember what I said. What' I say? Meaning, she won't even remember what she said. You're hearing you. Had you been listening, you would have heard some of the harshest things she said since you're married. But you didn't hear nothing and she don't remember nothing. And so all she was doing is just checking if you are fit. if you're fit, if you can do the job, you know, that's it. And um and then, you know, it'll be just a short matter of time, very short matter of time till till uh she's going to be very very interested in you. And the way this works in general is just respect and attraction, they go together. Respect and attraction go together. Respect and attraction. So a rock being that rock for your woman is is being that that melik being that melik that that melik that she respects and and in this particular case we're talking about how to just stay steady when she's a river when she's the rapids. How do you stay steady so that she can have what to hold on to to be that rock for her? Now kids also are looking so much that there's something beyond them that there's a father that's like that's that's uh more stable. Now mothers again they have these ups and downs. Fathers are the stability for the children and the wife and the family. they're going to be borrowing from your nervous system. And so you have to be the rock not only for her but also for the kids and whatever it is they're going through is is you know you're you're you're on it. You got it. Just give some Torah examples of you know Moshu Rabenu. We're going we're in Safer Devarium now. you know, he's going to be reviewing all the troubles everyone put him through and you know, and he is the rock. It's funny he got in trouble hitting the rock because he was the rock. Yeah. And and Hashem, by the way, is called our rock. Yeah. He's our rock. Suri Ali, my rock and my redeemer. He's our rock. Our benu was our rock. The fact that aren called o shalom shalom. The fact that sahadics what does it say lo someone unmute their mic and tell me lo this and lo. >> Yeah. And zah. Can't zah also mean he wasn't sweating. It didn't rise and didn't move. But there um think of the think of some some of the rebes, you know, that they they just they just don't move and they and so that's you. And we're going to do a little meditation and practice this right now. Okay. Yeah. So, close your eyes. Take a deep breath and hold your breath and release. Inhale deeply. Hold your breath. Eyes closed. If you're sitting, you can be with your palms open, resting on your legs. Exhale. Inhale deeply. Holding your breath and exhale. And now seeing yourself in a river that's, you know, got some rapids and you're going down the river and now it's starting to get a little more intense and you're you're cool, you know, and and then uh you know, someone sees you on the bank of the river and they say, "This is not where you want to be doing this. There's going to be a waterfall coming soon." and uh think you should just quickly swim to the side, but you're not able to. And then all of a sudden, you see a rock in the middle. See a rock in the middle. And you and you get on that rock and you're just there on the rock. You're on solid solid ground there on that rock. And just feel and hear the current. feel the current and there's a little on your, you know, the rocks like it's it's under the water, but it's like the water's up to your knees. So, you're able to stay strong up there. You can just feel the current going by your legs. You can hear the noise of the rapids. Beneath your feet is solid rock. And there you are, just solid while everything's flying by. And now notice your wife upset. Notice your wife upset and she's giving it to you and and you're just standing on that rock for her. Your mom is being a rock for her. Okay. And now notice a child crying. One of your children's upset. And you're the rock. And now notice financial pressure. Financial pressure is coming down the river. It's a real threat. And you're realizing that, you know, every time this has happened over all the years, somehow you got to the other side of it. Just be the rock. A health scare. If you've ever had a health scare, so just imagine one if you haven't, but a health scare. Be the rock. How about criticism? You're getting criticized or someone's mozzy shaming you. Someone's coming after you. Be the rock. Stay on that rock. Okay. Just the uncertainty of the future. Be the rock. Now the river is getting stronger, but you're remaining planted. Whisper these words. My strength comes from Hashem. I don't have to control everything. I remain connected. I'm a place of safety. and recognize that this safety is Hashem. Hashem is the rock. Shim's the rock. And now opening up your eyes at the count of five. One, two, three, four, and five. of opening up your eyes. >> The strongest men aren't emotionless. The strongest men aren't controlling. The strongest men aren't the loudest. They are the safest. Their wives feel secure. Their children feel secure. Their communities feel secure. You don't necessarily have all the answers, but you're connected. connected to Hashem. A boy is ruled by the storm. A man becomes shelter in the storm. A man becomes the rock for the world around him and for himself. But mostly be because Hashem's the rock for him. Hashem's a rock. And uh your homework for the next seven days is um whenever you feel someone else's emotions, okay? Throughout the day, you'll like you remember what I said, we're like borrowing from each other's nervous systems. So whenever you're feeling someone else's nervous system playing on your nervous system, you're going to pause. You're gonna take one deep breath and you're gonna ask yourself a question. Is that am I the river or am I the rock? Am I the river? Am I the rock? And then be the rock. And do not borrow from their chaos. Don't don't let that particular person's chaos uh lend itself to your system, to your nervous system. So again, it's a simple homework, but just whenever you're seeing chaos come around, you're taking that deep breath and you're saying, "Am I the river? Am I the rock? Am I the river? Am I the rock? Am I the river? Am I the rock?" Each time. And be the rock. Be the rock each time. So just to give you a goish analogy, have you ever seen the Marorrow man on the billboards? The cigarette company Marorrow. You ever seen the Marbor man on the billboards? Yeah. Is there is there ever his wife and kids in the picture? It's him and his horse. Okay, that's you. Uh the English word for that is descriptive word is actually the word aloof. Aloof is like nothing bothers you. You know, one of the great man trainers in history in our generation was a friend of mine is a friend of mine. So, one of the things he would do is he would take the person he's training and he would put them in the Mill and it's crowded and there's a line going down the Mill. I guess it's where rainwater goes into, but it's you can walk on it. It's not like uh you wouldn't like twist your angle on him and you have he the guy would have to walk when on the first day arrived 10 days of work he would walk down the center and the rabbi man trainer would stand behind him and score him on how much his body moved and if he moved off because everyone had to move for you. It's crazy but everyone had to move for you. By the 10th day, everyone would move for you. The first day, the guy keeps moving for others. He was unmoved. He had a deal. You ready for this? He was paying a waitress, a female waitress at a burger place. He was paying her um extra money to do this. And what was it? They would sit down on the first day and they would order food. And uh my friend would order a burger and he'd get the burger and he would say, "Uh, it's not cooked enough." And he would say, "Excuse me, waitress. Um, can you take this back, put a little more fire on it?" And she'd put a little more fire and she'd bring it back and she would over burn cook it. And he would look at him, he would say, "It's it's burnt." He said, "Waitress, um, can you please um, this is you overcooked it. Can you do it again, please?" And she would do it again. and he'd bring it to her and you'd say it's undercooked. You put it back on the he just keeps saying the whole time this guy is getting so scared and so nervous and he can't believe he's doing this and like because he was raised to please women. He was raised to please women and as opposed to be the rock for women, he's he's pleasing women. This is all of Lakewood, everybody. This is all of Lakewood. and and and he's teaching. And and here's the thing, though. If my wife comes and says, "Do you need salt for your soup?" She walks all the way out to the dining room. It's not close to my kitchen. She walks all the way out to the dining room. She says, "Honey, you need salt for your soup." And it doesn't. You know what I do? I say, "Yes, it needs salt." and and just she just just watching her walk back to the kitchen is like she's going to get salt for the rock, you know, she's going to get salt for the man. And she loves it. She loves it. And it's a it's her dream. And you know how many men the wife says, "How can I make you breakfast?" It's like, "No, no, I'm good." Or, "I ate I ate in sh or I'm all right." If my wife says, "Can I make you breakfast?" I don't care if I'm stuffed. I'll say yes. They're they're they're looking for for that for us serving them. They do not want us pleasing them. And I suggest you guys read the book. If you're a pleaser, read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's a workbook. Helps you get off of this. It's called No More Mr. Nice Guy. the Marbor man. That's you. And you learn to be that way. When she's upset, you're the rock. When she tries to draw you into some crisis, you're the rock. When you ask her to do something for you, you're the rock. And when she's asking if she can do something for you, the answer is yes. Answer is yes. She loves it. She loves to serve you. Later in this course, we're going to talk about sensitivity to the woman, sensitivity to your kids, sensitivity in the community. Like later, we're going to talk about all the sensitivity. You should be so sensitive to her. But right now, we got to first establish the rock that you are.