Rabbi Yitzchok Silver - Interpersonal Relationships

okay tonight I would like to speak about the interpersonal relationships in Judaism there are in fact in the Torah many many mitv which concern interpersonal relationships whether this would be to judge other people favorably or not to hate or not to take revenge or bear a grudge or to save someone who's in a having a hard time or whether it would be not to trip up somebody a blind man with a stumbling block which really means trick anyone into doing something that's not so good for him to be doing right now these are all examples of mitv you're not allowed to hit you're not allowed to curse you're not allowed to cause Strife M you're supposed to greet people with Shalom when you meet them you're not allowed to hurt people with words or embarrass people certainly not in public and so on and so on how to rebuke or re reproof people not not to Envy coveting other people's possessions or anything else they have not lying many many negative things not to do there's also the many positive Commandments visiting the sick and taking care of attending to all their needs or attending to the deceased consoling the mourners um helping them out Hospitality there's also things like larim honoring one's parents there many many mitzvas the midash relates to a King who asked to have a house built at Sea so they took two great big ships and tied them together strong knots strong ropes and uh they started building they built a whole Palace on at Sea sounds like a wonderful idea now if these ropes are too weak and these knots are not tight enough and start to get untied so then the ships are going to come apart the whole Palace is going to fall down hasem wanted to be unified therefore he gave us many many Mitzvah because when we're at Unity we will have the the divine presence within us it's almost as if he said when you're when you're all together like one I'll be there and if not I won't be there in a few weeks we're going to be saying at say the night us to Har and not given us the Torah that would be good enough for us what is good enough about that y will turn up there Richard will turn up there with his seven mitzvot and George will turn up there with his seven mitzvot and they'll both go home with the same seven mitzvot they came and that's fine that's enough for us what's so good about that well what's good about that is when we were in front of Mount Si it says in the Torah so the sages ask what's this you need a is a is a is one person you need a plural what's going on why so the sages say they were by the mountain they were like one man with one heart you know controlling a crowd of 600,000 you know grown men Army age apart from everybody else is not so easy there was no shoving and pushing everybody was making sure there's enough space for everybody else and they were fine with what was the space that there was allotted to them all these mitat were so strong just naturally everybody caring for everybody else that there was absolute unity and when there's Unity Hashem rests his his in that place we are six 100,000 components of one and these mitv is what holds us together and brings us together and brings the into is out of the 613 MIT many of them we don't have nowadays we don't have a king and Temple there are some mitv of of Isel but not all of them we have lulav we have chaar quite a lot of the MIT that remain are the MIT between man and his friend and these Mitzvah are given to us you know it's not easy when you hate someone you hate them but Hashem said don't hate them Revenge Revenge is sweeter than honey but Hashem said don't do it there's something more important whatever happened to you even at the hands of another human being is from me it's not worth taking revenge over over another Jew for such a thing when we learn to restrain re re retain not not to burst out at people not to curse when we're angry not to hit so then we are perfecting our characters we we our whole personality becomes different you know if you learn martial arts so it's one thing watching a few kicks and punches and blocks and and whatever it's another thing being able to do it I have a a talid that he had he since he was 9 years old a few years he did an hour in evening in the beginning his body used to be full of bruises but if someone woke him up in the middle of his sleep and he felt threatened on the spur of the moment he could Block in a way that he could break someone's bones he was once at a demonstration and a few policemen went for him with his trench with their trunion and he he just waited them off nothing happened to him he didn't counter attack because he was taught not to attract attention it becomes second nature well that's in physical might here we're talking about building people building personalities having correct character traits we're BN we're born imperfect people are born very selfish my mom my dad dad my house my school everything's mine we grow a little bit we find out there's other people in the world well we've got to get along with them and yeah this is the real stuff do you know the famous he had a granddaughter he had a grandson in Israel who was about two when theet passed away and he was a big rash Shiva and he heard his first cousin arrived in Israel she was not religious from the's first wife many of them left Judaism became Communists or were killed by the Nazis or the Communists so this girl had left the house at 17 and she asked he he he went to visit his cousin she was about 90 he asked her do you remember anything about our grandfather and she said yeah let me tell you I left at 17 I went off to University I came back a year later and I asked him in Yiddish grandfather why are you sitting in the dark out there we're in an enlightened world we have airplanes that we can that can fly in the sky we have bombs that can blow things up and he looked at her and he said to her yes soon they're going to have rockets that can get to the moon I know from my family even in the' 40s people still did not believe that they will man will ever get to the moon he said yes they'll have airplanes that can get all the way to the Moon they will have bombs that could blow up the whole world they're building a lot of stuff out there but here in Judaism we are building people it's quite a deep thing we here in Judaism we are building people most of the 613 mvat that we have nowadays possibly the majority of them that come to human regular people which are daily not Shar once a year or l once a year and only on men you know which are daily and on men and women and we have to educate our children with them are the mitv of of between man and his friend and we're supposed to get so used to doing them that they become second nature yeah like a martial arts expert they become second nature that's what we're supposed to be doing this is this is the wants us to emulate him these are that are actual obligations this is not extra piety or being extra nice or with with you know beyond the letter of the law they are real let's take an example judging favorably judging favorably you've seen someone doing something it looks suspicious okay if he's a very righteous person in this field let's say he's very particular about Shabbat or about uh let's let's say he's very particular about what he eats that it should always be koser and you see him in the corner of a non kosher restaurant like munch crunch wiping his lips looking around no he's seeing him somewhere out of town okay should you be suspecting him if he's a very righteous person no maybe he brought some food from home and he just ordered a cold drink to be able to use the place cuz he doesn't want to eat in the street and if you really see him eating that tra for hamburger well maybe he nearly had a heart attack maybe he thought the nonsmoking sign was was uh the hea certificate I know if he's a righteous person and he never ever does this you're supposed to really judge him favorably if he's a wicked person and he usually doesn't eat koser you may suspect him no problem with that if he is like usually good and sometimes Falls so then it depends if it's very suspicious then you are allowed to suspect him the letter of the law it would be more reputable to not suspect him but the letter of the law you may suspect him if it doesn't look suspicious at all then you have to judge him favorably even if it's balanced half half you have to judge him favorably that is the Mitzvah let's work out if you don't know who this person is you don't have to judge anything because you don't know him it would be reputable to judge him favorably but you don't have to okay so how hard is this for us and is it for our good or what well how hard is it it's quite easy if you judge him favorably then you walk off happy man if you suspect you walk off pained what did Hashem asked us to do in this Mitzvah he just asked us to do to to think about other human beings by what probably happened it probably was you know if he's a righteous man it probably was some kind of mistake or he's done to shua by now and if it was a wicked man you're allowed to suspect him and if it's a half half it depends on how it looks if it looks bad so then it's probably bad you know he sometimes Falls and the letter of the law you may suspect if it looks good why are you suspecting it probably is good he doesn't usually fall and if it's balanced so that judge him favorably he's probably not falling he doesn't usual so Hashem just asked us to judge the situation by what probably happened so let's do that if you go around suspecting people on left and on right you're the one who doesn't sleep at night don't take take revenge we said revenge is sweeter than honey but still don't do it God wanted us to be Beyond to break human nature in certain ways because taking Revenge will only blow things up so what about what about uh bearing a grudge I won't actually take revenge no you're not allowed to do that either you know he you lend him a hammer yesterday yesterday you asked him for a hammer and he's your neighbor and he said no I'm not let lending you a hammer today he knocked on your door can I have a screwdriver what the audacity why didn't you lend me a hammer yesterday I'm not giving you a screwdriver that's taking Revenge what about yes I'll give you a screwdriver I'm not like you you wouldn't give me the hammer yester I'll give you the screwdriver that is bearing a grudge even if you don't say the words you're bearing a grudge you have to willingly give it to him the truth is had you judged him favorably it would have all been okay okay but uh maybe he had a reason maybe the hammer was by a different neighbor maybe he was in the middle of using it or who knows okay so is it so hard let's take a mitz the like embarrassing people in public the sages say that somebody who is on a regular basis embarrasses people in public he forfeits his whole portion in the world to come this whole world was created from spirituality God said 10 Expressions 10 speeches and from each expression something was created the whole world was created from do we know what God's speaking is something very spiritual something non-tangible we can't see it we believe that's what the sages said there's no other way that this world could have been created can all the governments in the world together like just paint a picture like the sky just over this neighborhood no so someone has have made the world so it was God with 10 Expressions 10 10 sentences 10 sayings okay so the world was came originally from something very very spiritual and you know we're also on the way to a world that's very spiritual the world to come the prophets say that a human being can't perceive it even a prophet cannot perceive the world to come it's too that the Eternal Bliss is too great it is a spiritual Eternal Bliss and it is too great for even a prophet to perceive only God can see it when we get there we'll get it okay so we came from a spiritual Realms and we're on the way to spiritual Realms but right now we've stopped off in a material world and God has asked us to do my mitzvas use these material world use the L and theog for this Mitzvah use this wood and these stones to build this better better mid use use the world for Holy things he also said use your body and soul to hallow it to do my will break yourself and do not take revenge well don't embarrass people in public however tempting it may be thear says that Tamar of course I'm sure the audience know the story but we'll say it in short for the rest of the audience that may not know it yehudah had three sons the first one married Tamar and died the second one married Tamar and died in those days there was y marry your brother's wife so that should he should have something some something to remember bear a child and there'll be a remembrance for your brother and yehudah was scared to give her to his third son because he was scared he would die too so he told her go back to your father's house and wait until he grows up and that meant like I'll try in American which meant like forget about it and Tamar very much wanted this yoom it was her right and before the Torah was given her father could do it too she was a very sanua woman very modest she dressed very well so therefore her father-in-law didn't even recognize her because she was so modest when she hang around his house and he was also modest and didn't gaze at her so she heard he was on his way somewhere for so she sat in the the crossroads as if she's one of those women that sell herself and yehud had tremendous rues that he has to bring into the world the Masia from this woman and before the Torah was given there wasn't kin and you could even have a concubines and you could also use is one of these women so long as you pay that's how my Mones explains it so he went to her and he did what he did and she took a a collateral his coat his stick his Signet ring and and then you'll send me a sheep for my for my uh when you have and in the meantime I'll hold these things by me and Yuda sends his his uh partner and he's looking all over for this woman and the collateral just stays by her and then a couple months later she's looking pregnant and she was a daughter of the kohen Shem so they have to take her out and burn her and youai is sitting on the panel of the Beth and yes the daughter of a kohen who is an adulterer has to be burned so he says take her out and burn her and they're setting her a light and she sends him like this bag with a coat and the stick and the Signet ring and she says the person the owner of these is the one I am preg pregnant from and youai is sitting on the top table over there and she's being set a light and he takes a look at them and he gets up and he says many she's right this is from me because she tricked me into doing the yoom she's okay I'm not so good okay they didn't set her a light and she gave birth to twins and this is where the mhia came from David and this is Yehuda who can take responsibility for his action the question arises why did Tamar do this why did she let herself be set a light if he wouldn't admit the gamar said she didn't want to embarrass him in public if he wants to do it to himself that's fine with me I'm not doing it they're going to set me a light so I'll die the gar says it should be easier for a Jew to allow himself to be thrown into a burning furnace than to embarrass his fellow in public do you know why the furnace will burn him up in a few minutes but if he embarrasses his fellow in public he's going to have to carry around that embarrassment with him until the end of his days so the earlier commentaries ask there are only three mitzvot that a person has to be willing to give up his life for adultery idol worship and murder what's this one so the tosafists answer answer this is a fourth one but because it's not clear in the Torah therefore it's it's not mentioned in the group of three in the other places in in the gar Ru migi answers that it's part of murder it's not only the actual idol worship that a person can be killed for by the Beth din in those days that is a person has to give up his life for to show how much he loves God and he believes in God and trusts God not only real idol worship even the accessories of idol worship so too says rabenu y from gandi also the accessories of murder murder slit his throat and he dies you drain his blood here too when you embarrass someone in public and he Pals and he blushes you are draining his blood it's an accessory of murder many of the there are also earlier commentaries who say that this was this is not necessarily obligatory to everybody this is just if somebody wishes he may do this he may throw himself into a burning furnace rather than have himself embarrassed somebody else however there is one of the later commentaries the binan on from about 200 years ago that he says that even if some a child you know how to embarrass a child in public either sometimes he's embarrassed him himself in front of the family or the class or whatever it is but you're not supposed to some if you embarrass him then it will it will you know that was how they used to do things years ago hit and embarrassed so you're doing it for a positive purpose but otherwise you're not even allowed to embarrass a child so if someone will hold a pistol at your temple and tell you embarrass this child in front of three people even if he's sleeping right now but when he wakes up he'll be embarrassed and he's big enough to be embarrassed about this you're supposed to let him shoot and not embarrass him not everybody actually pans like this but the ban and does okay that's how serious it is so yadik is in MIT one of the 12 tribes and he's troubled his brothers back and forth twice and he's threatening them and he's putting them in and out of prison and whatnot and they got to the final crunch and Yuda draws near to YF and when Yuda gets angry there he has like iron hair on his chest that that that pokes out from his his clothing and when he screams the walls of mitzraim for from from the vibration and Paro tumbles down the 70 steps of his throne and all the pregnant women miscarry from the earthquake the fear of yehuda's Scream he takes a huge Rock he throws it up and it goes high high high into heaven very heavy rock it comes down he catches it in his hands and he crushes it between his hands to powder and he walks towards ysep and he says I'm going to deal with you and parro in the same way they didn't have bullets in those days they had a lot of Mighty bodyguards but this is what was going on and ysep is like a little bit shaken he's not such a weakling he also kicks a sapphire block and it breaks into Sapphire is very strong you put it on your Anvil and you bash it with your Hammer it'll break the hammer and the Anvil and YF can smash that okay and uh your hood is getting very angry naali who's the fast runner the Sprinter has been out there to check it out and he says there are 12 cities over here and Yuda says three on me and you guys take one each they're talking Hebrew they don't know ysep can hear and understand but he is understanding Shimon and Ley had once done away with the whole town sh they're ready for it they're all ready and Y says I can't stand the embarrassment of my brothers everybody should must leave all the non-jewish bodyguards must leave nobody was there only the 12 tribes and ysf turns to his 11 brothers and he says what are you talking about if I take then then then your dad's going to die you saw me here 22 years ago is dad still alive they could not answer him the sages say they died and they had to have to revive them rebuke reprove it's very tough from where did ysf take the Liberty to throw everyone out and remain with no protection whatsoever with these Mighty desperate people who had to get him out of the way the same thing it has to be easier for a Jew to throw himself into a burning furnace than embarrass one of his brethren in public these are examples of you should re reprove your brother however don't embarrass him when you're doing that that this is what God demands of us and this is what we're supposed to be and we're supposed to become perfect this supposed to be part of our our DNA and we're supposed to become as perfect people as possible we grow slowly we build people we don't build bombs to BL the world and Rockets to go to the Moon from taxpayers money all right isn't there going to be is such a marvelous world where nobody hates each other everybody judges each other favorably nobody takes Revenge nobody Bears grudges there's no M nobody's hitting nobody's cursing everybody's taking such good care of everybody else and being so concerned and sensitive to their needs and wants and pleasures and desires even more than his own that would be wonderful the rambam says in the laws of kanuka that if there's not enough money to pay for Kaneka lights and Shabbat lights so Shabbat lights come first shom that's what helps to have shalom in the house and the rambam says the whole Tor shom all the pathways of the Torah are supposed to bring to shalom shalom means complete perfect complete one unit the whole Torah is around that a when there is problems of schlom between a husband and wife and he suspects her and they bring her to the basa mikdash they will rub out hashem's name that's a terrible desecration you're not allowed to rub out hashem's name in order to bring peace between a husband and wife there was once a Yeshiva boy going down the main road in lond one a main road in London and and a thug came by and snatched his hat and ran off with it the go think that's very funny now he's in a bit of a predicament because some Yeshiva Boys would be quite embarrassed to go to to the synagogue on on shabas morning without a hat a car sped by ground to a halt right next to this Thug three guys jumped out of the car they grabbed the thug they beat the living daylight out of him they took the hat and they gave it back to the Yesa boy and the Yesa boy said you know I've got a question to ask you but I don't want to hurt your feelings so maybe I won't ask it so they said no no ask it so they said no no I can't do that to you thank you very much for the hat so they were curious enough Rabbi tell us what your what your question is so he said you guys don't even keep shabas you drive on chabas you don't go to sh you don't wear a hat why did you do me this favor they said to him Rabbi if we don't stick together we're lost you know the Rothchild Shield family emblem has on it Five Arrows he had five sons who were Bankers in five different countries when he was on his deathbed he took 10 arrows he gave out one Arrow to each son he said break that and they broke it he then took the Five Arrows himself and he you know holding them all together he tried to break it he saw he couldn't he said now you try let's see if one of you can break this and none of them could break the Five Arrows together he said to them my dear children if you stick together nobody will will be able to break you it's when there's cracks between you that the enemy can get inside R says when you give Saka charity you have to really pity the person because if you don't pity him you may have performed seven or eight mitz but you've done one of you should not strengthen your heart when you give charity and even if you did have pity on him at the time and feel his his problem if you didn't if you didn't give it with an easy heart you have transgressed a Jew is not just like alav in your hands a Jew you have to pity him you have to feel for him you have to want to be good to him this is not some kind of mathematical equation PM's coming up we don't just look oh where can I get the the best oh I found an eion I won't tell anyone about it because I want to hold on to it till the end of puim I don't want other people to get a hold of him maybe we can keep him Inon till next p him no no no he is not a lulav the Evon the Evon is a Jew that deserves your respect and he deserves your your your your your pity how would it how would it look if it was the other way around God created the world and he owns the world he has all the gold and silver and he can decide who's who maybe next year it'll be the other way around who knows you know RAV Shak he also had like very strong stringent ideas about certain things so there was once a meeting and somebody piped up and said that RAV Shak is not fond of a certain kind of Jew not fond enough so there was one Rabbi over there who said I learned in the Yesa of RAV Shak in the pish and I was there one day let me tell you a story when he had to go for an operation on his leg and he was too old for an anesthetic so I held his hand during that operation and he held my hand so tightly like Samson the mighty it was impossible to believe someone in his 90s could have such a tight grip he almost broke my bones but he didn't let a peep out of his mouth about 30 years was milal about 30 32 years ago and this Rabbi said I was in the office in ponage when Rak came in exhausted after giving a sh and somebody came into the office and said everybody out they brought Rak a chair I was like an American you know fun lover so I hid behind a piece of furniture they brought him a glass of water they sat him down on a chair and they told him Rabbi three boys have been killed today in Lebanon the Kim who eat rabbits on yam kipur but three boys three yisha boys have been killed today in Lebanon Rak fell from the chair and he broke out into uncontrollable crying for 20 minutes his own operation he didn't let out a peep was an old man another Jews problem the mothers they're going to be without their children maybe the wives maybe their orphans he broke out into uncontrollable crying for 20 minutes for other Jews pain this is how we are all supposed to be this is how we're all supposed to be we're not like to a who can ruin a thousand women's lives every night another one and blow these huge feasts and whatnot all on other people's account no it's like David David he was a he was a judge when the poor man lost was wrong you're not allowed to sway the din because he's he's poor so he he lost but at the end of the Judgment DAV would open his wallet and give the poor man enough money to pay his loss okay all I could say is that it should be the will before God that it should be easy for us to keep all of these mitzvot and and the sh should rest between us we should be get to Absolute Unity between us and the sh should come down and rest on us and we should Merit the building of the BET mikash and between us thank you