Rabbi Yitzchok Feldheim Late Night Q&A Project Inspire Convention 2023

all right he comes to Clay could uh [Music] all right so um you make a men's section for the the highway soil monster is we lost them okay so uh who's starting a question and answers need a guinea pig first uh anybody who here was here last year yeah so we don't sometimes it could happen that we have the same discussions every year that has to be it has to be but if you want to do something different I remember that why aren't they here they were so Zees it was the older couple who were here and they were like they were part of this they were part of the program um how'd they feel it what was it called ask anything you want something like that what's it uh questions and answers okay hopefully this week we don't go to four in the morning it's uh I'm too old for this used will be starting new someone's got to ask a question no all right we're done no questions okay right how does a okay feed the question so the question was is that I gave a sheer Friday night called what was it called that was called kazak themats the different the difference between bravery and courage or strength and courage and how to achieve both of them that was the share so I gave an explanation of what is and and you're pointing out that maybe what I said fits better for men what's the implications of the difference that we discussed for women so is there okay so so let me let me I know most people probably were in the class so I'll tell people what I came out with I showed from the texts and Torah Torah says many times all about Yoshua when Moshe is giving over the mantle the Reigns of the mantle of leadership to Yeshua he tells him three times or he's talking to the Jews also he says Yeshua the book of Yeshua is the next safer starting with the life of Yeshua and there in the first few took him it picks up where it lives off left off and it says four times in in Yoshua so uh what is it what is basically after we're protracted discussion I came out that the difference between is that kids we know that kids are scared of the dark when those kids are scared of the dark the secret is is that adults are far more scared of the light than kids are of the dark we love the dark the the dark is an excuse it's an alibi for why I don't have to accomplish things I have a built-in answer for for lack of performance and we love dark you know we love uh but the light scares us opportunities terrify us in the same light we're not scared of our weaknesses our failings we're scared of our potentials that's what scares us I repeat how I showed it it was an interesting thing we have a Mitzvah called vidoy maiser fascinating Mitzvah there's different types of stalker that you that Jews have to give but you don't have to do all of it in any one year because it's too much you have to give that name and the Levee and then you have to take your own food my social and even the Jerusalem it's a lot of temps it adds up so different years you do different ones in in a three-year cycle you do all the misers and chuma and all you do all these things so there's a Mitzvah the fourth year after you did all your Meister you gave all that stuff you could give that did everything that Hashem wants of you you come to the base of migdush and you do a fascinating Mitzvah it's called videomic you give a speech and the speech is like this Hashem here I am I look at me I get I gave this meister and that my sir brt accomplishment are bias I got everything there's nothing in my house that shouldn't be mine everything in my house is is mine was I supposed to have I didn't hold back the money for the lady I don't have the money of the name and the gas everybody got what they want Hashem test me I'm perfect I did this this whole list the whole checklist of what you did and now you say you use what gets worse you look down from your place and you do what you promised just like I did what I was supposed to do you're supposed to take care of your people that's the speech it's an interesting speech here we are give speeches like very boastful a little bit arrogant but what's strangest about the speech is what do you call this mitzvahim what does vido mean this is literally the words of a Torah that are the furthest from video is I did this wrong I did this wrong I did this wrong hear what are you saying I did this right I did this right look at me Hashem whether or not you can be boastful and say Yes fine but they call it video confession is crazy where's the confession in talking about your sinkus it's a famous Casa what's the turrets I said was that was this point of the sheer is that yeah it's not so easy to admit that you didn't have era it's uncomfortable it's embarrassing it takes a certain amount of Bravery to admit to your avirus but that's not the real challenge the real challenge is to admit to your holiness to say Hashem that's real confession because when you admit what a good person you want to sound like you I know of a virus that creates real obligations and real expectations you're not you know nobody tell me that told me Remy like give up on me I'm too far gone it's a very appealing thing to convince your enemy like leave me alone like I'm not don't expect anything out of me to admit that you're inside that creates huge demands on you and that's why it's called confession in fact once you know this it's weird that our sham news called confession no it's a little uncomfortable but it's very liberating to admit Tavaris it means Hashem leave me alone I'm not who you think I am like who who do you think you're talking to you wasting your time I have a hundred areas can I go chill now that's like a shame though so the way I explained it was is that bravery is what it takes to face the darkness you want to fight a war you have to be brave to face a Darkness to admit to your Alvarez you have to be brave but to wake up in the morning and face the day to embrace life that takes courage the difference between bravery and courage is bravery is what it takes to face darkness and challenges and obstacles and what it takes to face potential and joy is courage bravery is what you need for a war courage is what you need to walk down to courage is what you need to make a commitment courage is what you need to be all in and that's how it was Magda we went to elaborate and then we explained how you achieve these two things it's a different skill set if you want to help someone become Brave you want to help somebody face their demons they need one set of there's one training for that you want to help somebody face no or it's a whole different a whole different that was a share so you're asking the way I explain that is that different for a boy or a girl I didn't even think about that let me think about it for a second I should have thought of that now but I was can't think and talk at the same time so what do you think you think you think that a girl scared of a light more than the dark or is it different than a boy it's uh I don't think so maybe it is you know I would tell you maybe maybe it is very different you know why because a boy could convince himself tell you say God let me tell you a secret of what it means we say it's gonna have you very fast okay because like people are up late at night you can't just talk random things you got to get heavy it's a famous statement that everybody knows called dot Nation daitan kalis right all the feminists and all the people who want to pick fights with Judas and this is on their short list of problems what do you mean nauseam women die done their knowledge as College they translated women are like light-headed you know they're not heavy weights and thinking it's a very insulting phrase so what's the MS the tire is not insulting we know we know that Toyota has if anything more respect for women than men so then why would her be insulting women it's like everything else it's only insulting when you're mistransating and not thinking about it properly and you're just being shallow when you're responsible and you learn something what it means you'll find out so here's here's what nauseam diet and cows needs first of all the only word that people translate correctly over there is women awesome daikon we have no datas and kalis the way you say weak in Hebrew is holash you don't say calories is easy right cow something is cow is easy Das is not thinking thinking is thinking is Bina you know when it comes to those things actually a woman has been the yasera she has extra Beena Das is a fascinating process thus is more connected to the heart than the mind what does is the it's just it goes in order is information could know a lot of stuff read books gather data you have the person who knows the most things the huge Bina is the same word as building to be Bona or children are called bonim because their developments they're building on on the path on you they're the next level what is a thought process using the word building it's the ability to deduce things I have a lot of data and now can I punch my data and learn new things that I didn't know based on what I have that's called Bina right women do that fine cochle I mean there's no there's no problems after that comes something called Das Das is where my information is not abstract in my mind I actually feel it the torah's word for intimacy is Adam new EVE Abraham avram nusa because it's intimacy it what is intimacy I know you now I know you when your information when you feel it I like to explain the Das is sort of the difference between prose and poetry I can write a very nice essay about loneliness and you'll go all around that so deep you know I could write a poem about loneliness everybody starts crying it's the same information one is ideas and one is one is Das Das is somehow it's it's an intellectual information but it's it connects to your heart it's to feel your information someone who's the idea gets it in in Muslim they call it a Muna cruises tangible belief so we what we say is like this that women have a very easy does whatever they think they feel right away a boy doses it's a struggle and sometimes that's good to us that's bad see what happens is my definition of Tsar what's Tsar I don't mean physical pain deep emotion emotional pain is emotional pain is the gap between my expectations and my limitations everybody has dreams and then they over time you develop a belief about what's possible for you to achieve if there's a gap between what you want and what you believe you could have that's pain the pain is the gap between your dreams and what you could have I'm never gonna have what I dreamed of that's suffering so so I called a lot of them have to give over my like my language the Yates are fancy words kids the grown-up understanding of those words what is the answer to even Sahara mean as adults we can rethink these terms the Yates is your dreams the Yates is your desire your longings your yearnings that's what it is the salaries are saying you want to be huge you're a dreamer you want to be big dreams are the holiest thing in the world the Yates are horror is your fears and your insecurities says wow you want to be a hero the eight Sahara says who you fooling you're not going to be a hero you're gonna kill dragons no princess is interested in you you're never gonna happen it's not gonna work you're gonna get fried to a crisp right the eights the girl wants to be a boss mellow the dream is someone's gonna fight to deserve me that's a dream it's not a dream to have fancy clothing within Palace much deeper than that the reason why everybody watches Disney movies is because it's something so deep it's that the princess dreamers that I want to be so valued that someone is going to risk their lives to deserve me that's a dream of what happens when you believe that you're not going to be a boss No One's Gonna who's gonna fight to deserve me so now you have pain the pain is that I used to write a diary I wrote All My Dreams and it's never going to come true so for a boy this is not a big deal because the sound in his ears of how what what he wanted to be I want to be a hero one of your best guy in Yeshiva I wanted to be this what he thinks that he can't be that you know what he needs to do play Xbox and he's fine a little noise go to a concert I'm fine right a little Sports go to play games hang with my boys almost anything allows him to disconnect from his thoughts he can literally turn off his thoughts he is Das is not natural it's a whole step for a boy to achieve Das for him he has to literally go to Yeshiva and have a ready and sit by a commsites for hours and after four hours of a comes into maybe a little bit of beer they can maybe start to feel his deepest dreams you know an inkling a girl her daughter says cow every single thing that she thinks she feels right away which is often very very good Be Inspired but often it becomes extremely painful because if I don't believe my dreams will come true then how do I silence those dreams because I have I live with this pain and there's no answer how do I silence you know when you're a little kid in school and someone says something you don't like the game was was I can't hear you okay you know and then the guy talks louder you scream louder but when you're doing it with yourself [Music] how loud can you scream girls don't really have a way to shut down the voice of their dreams their Das is cow that's what it means all it takes for a boy to disconnect from his deepest dreams is a little bit of noise and this is why you find that most girls it's very rare that girls become addicts a boy can can play sport games on his computer for hours he can go gambling he can go through all anything that we do here guys can get to anything why because it really works if I'm sitting there playing Xbox every dream I ever had that might not come true that I'm scared of a set of doesn't exist I'm totally go to sleep like a little baby a girl who doesn't have any way to shut down her dreams it's it's it's a huge it's a huge bylaw but with that Milo comes comes a bit it's it's it's so it's so much closer to perfection but the suffering that comes from it is crazy let's get very heavy yeah yeah yeah but girls do things that guys don't do sure how many girls are sitting playing Xbox why not you gambling gambling go gambling go to go to Atlantic City go to these things the girls over there are supporting supporting their boyfriends in their gambling they're alone because that's where he wants to go if they don't want to be like to be separate from her not because girls don't like these things but guys aren't doing because they like it either the reason why these things are so popular is not because they like them because they need them you you need you need Darkness to hide from your or if you if you don't believe listen if you believe your dreams are coming true then you don't want any distractions right I always say the girl who's dating Prince Charming she is nothing better than curling up with her diary and reading like I wrote about this this is what I wanted for 30 years once the girl doesn't believe that any guy who's worth anything is interested so then they burned their Diaries because it's way too you know it doesn't work to put a diary because you wrote it the author is still alive you know so yeah Let's Escape for the isn't you say you're saying isn't that the Xbox thing isn't that an Escape right so so you're asking how can you change into a healthy Escape so let me ask the question that's a interesting phrase I would argue there's nothing called the healthy Escape something could be a relatively healthy Escape meaning it's not as what is escape I don't let's just find Escape Escapist means what what are you escaping okay you're getting very fancy you're a philosopher they pretend you were like dumb oh you well what would you what would you say what are you escaping life life you're just escaping so you know what we call that like it was a I don't want to like be overly dramatic and like uh like that's called suicide I call that you're not really committing suicide because you're not brave enough but you you incremental suicide I'll do it one day at a time I'll do it one opportunity at a time one hour at a time I'm just installed I'm suiciding in installments that's what escaping is so is there a healthy suicide right so I guess this is more relatively ones like relative I'd Rather somebody hang themselves and use a chainsaw but that's like guy talk that's like sick like right like suicide suicide like running away is the saddest thing in the world life is so short I call this world recorded the world think about yourself imagine you have a kid you know you have dreams for them pictures of every stage of their lives and and and and now they they don't want to go to school they don't do anything they're making fun of everything everything's the suffering that appearance has because they remember their kid when they were alive when they were dreamers and they were like what who did this to you what happened to you and does it make a difference what he's doing I guess it makes a difference there are like there are escapes that are not recoverable from like I tell people who I work with kids at risk I tell people that Revel in Lakewood in Lakewood we have was a very big community so you have a lot of kids at risk but what we discovered is because of the goodness and the opportunities that we have for all these boys is that 90 of them come back pretty quickly over 90 percent the only ones who don't get back who's the numbers are not so good are the ones who get into hard drugs so that said I would say the hard drugs are an unhealthy Escape all Escape is unhealthy but it's worse right so next box is a very the Xbox will be the healthiest Escape but no one's getting hurt you know yeah how do you not live in pain so then oh so so then you have right so so what happens is you have to what's the answer let's let's do it together I'm gonna let's let's do it mathematically I have dreams expectations now I have limitations I'm I Define so far pain is the gap um I want this I'm here so I can think of four ways to solve the problem let's say three ways uh three obvious ways to solve the problem two of them bad one of them good let's do the bad ones first what are the bad ways to solve this pain what getting rid of your dreams lowering my dreams lowering your dreams gets rid of the pain now my dreams and my expectations right I used to want to be a hero and now I don't think I could be a hero so now we know I'm very good at drinking I can say my whole name in a burp you know so I can say you know what my goal is I want to be the biggest Drinker in my frat my fraternity I want to be able to hold more alcohol to my friends so when I find friends who think that's the coolest thing in the world they go you are the man no one drinks like you so now I succeeded at my dreams I just changed my dreams and what I really wanted to these these these These Dreams that these guys think is cool I these guys support me in my dreams right so the first way to solve the problem of your pain of your dreams is lower your dreams I'm not saying it works I'm just saying I yeah that's the point it doesn't really work you can't lower your dreams do your dreams what you could do is you can distract yourself your dreams you can Bluff like I explain this a lot in cheer we have this game we play with guys guys do this I I lose I'll talk to the way I say a good way to say it I was in Camp in the summer and our counselors made all of us call our parents before Shabbos now there were two phones for like the whole cab we have 300 guys two phone service office I don't know how it works in a girl's cap but a boy's cap is not a big problem because there's a long line but it goes really fast because every combination is you listen you sit in the line it's like uh I imagine I don't hear the appearance inside but I can guess from the answers the answer is like this hi Ma nothing much nothing special nothing really yeah could I have more money for the canteen have a great service okay when parents ask us what's new what's happening what's good for boys it's basically four possible answers and they're all only two words long and one of the two words is always the same what are the four answers it's good riddle four answers all of them two words long and one of the words is always the same nothing much nothing special nothing really nothing new that's the whole variety of all the conversations why do we do this we love our parents they love us hopefully okay at least some of the kids online know is like that right everyone so why does this happen like that right well what's the answer the answer is tell you a secret because when I was eight years old I wanted to be the greatest I wanted to be a hero I was jumping off the couch with a towel tied around my neck that's what I wanted to be and then a lot of stuff happened and I had this Ravi and this guy and these golden who said this to me and this shadren who who said uh you're dreaming La La Land and this girl would dumped me and he said she wouldn't accept me and whatever happens whatever year there's always something and eventually you say who am I fooling I'm not gonna be a hero right so now it's so painful to think about my dreams so what I do is I find a whole new group of friends okay in my guinea pig I'm gonna go you find the hole in the Groupons who don't remember you when you were jumping off the couch with a towel when you wanted to save the world when you were a hero they don't remember that new friends and we play this game I go I'm watching you you are the man what's your job what do you say that's it do better you're the man thank you no no no you're the man come on you're the man you're doing good you're doing good no you're the man Rabbi you are the man and then after going back and forth four or five times what do we say you know what we're the men we are the men it's a social contract what it is is I won't call you out you don't call me out will both affirm the other that you're everything ever wanted to be if I have all new friends who don't remember my real dreams and they now now they tell me that I'm everything you just no one like you you are the best Drinker you are a party animal remember when you do that so if I hang around these guys only then I can feel like the biggest complete person in the world because everyone is going whoa I come into the party with those he's here you know it's like and I could live like that until my parents call and then my parents call like before my parents I appear and say what's new not the translation of what's new is so how much closer are you to all those things you wanted to be when you were eight sadik that's a translation of parents saying what's new and they have no idea how much pain they're causing me because I just spent eight years finding all new friends losing anybody who reminded me of that I finally what you should ask that pain is a good pain yeah you can't let a person drown well if they stop calling so loud that uh it's beautiful it's good we can we can do both see they think they buy a concert we're at a sheer and a concert okay okay at least the women who can do two things at one time are like I keep on Switching console okay back to the share just flipping back and forth real fast okay so so well we finished yeah why aren't we when a boy is doing really well in life and he's everything he wanted to be he doesn't stop talking he comes home to Mommy with every little piece of artwork put this on your fridge ma hang this up tell everybody about it that's all he wants we only become not relationship beings because we're usually not being who we wanted to be so we don't want our mothers with those big eyes telling me no that's what every comment is what Mommy sounds like you don't mean it you're not trying to cause pain but just saying what's new causes him pain so we do is we go nothing much nothing special like don't go there our parents aren't trying to hurt us they just they don't realize this they they look at their kids like they're the same kid when they were eight they still think you're a rock star and they're looking at you and going what's new because they they think you're that kid they don't know what you went through they get they they went through their own rejections in their own life and they gave up their own dreams but they think you're perfect you're my kid's still perfect and I can say what's new I don't know it Cuts Like a Knife so the kid says he says nothing new nothing special he wants to change the topic let me go back to the people who don't remind me of this stuff so that's how to get to this wait I'm gonna get there I I take like a lot of steps to get where I'm going and then so someone has to keep me I need a navigator yeah well go and ask I'm gonna we're gonna figure out in a second where we were but let meanwhile go ahead okay so let's um so good I'm gonna get back to the escapes I'm gonna get a little graphic and scary a little heavy but I want to work my way there so why was I doing the parent thing I was explaining how we escape I'm giving an example of guy's escapes is this game the social contract game that you you're the man it's a social contract we all gonna create this little bubble where I'm the happiest guy in the world in that bubble I can live as long as I'm around those guys during vacation all the guys go home it's tough it's tough so we have ways guys for guys it's very simple noise canceling headphones Magic that noise they cancel it's reality the cancer I'm living in the music and the real world is gone if there's no noise canceling headphones there's movies games doesn't take much for me to escape my truths and live banachas for a girl doesn't work like that a girl is almost nothing that she could do it's very important that Hashem built into the world because I'm cruel he wanted to torture women why would he do this because you guys heard me say what I said Friday night about the Maritza it's hard people were here Hashem created guys with like I repeat that thing but I'm gonna I'll add to it so if you heard it you'll hear something new a guy has a everybody has a yeah Sahara what's the guys the guys Yates is his dream I said his dream our dream like your greatest life is your dreams the eight Sahara is your fears and they fight it out the age of her says you want to be great the eight Sahara says who you fooling not me I'm it's worthless and they find it all day long when the answer type wins you jump out of bed with fire and you go do things you get a job and you sell and you make money and everybody and you're smiling and everyone loves you and you just might sleep when the eighths are harder wins you feel like nothing yamaya she live in Tsar you pull the cover over your head you push the snooze button 15 times you ignore your messages ignore your phones ignore your boss and your life falls apart and this the gates are telling you want you to have joy needs a horror one to keep you down convince you to give up that's that's now there's one thing in the world that makes a man choose his Yates Sahara what is the thing that maybe one but there's one primary thing that I shouldn't put in the world simply the whole world he said the perfect story he lined up a world the world is full of bracha and hiding places you can dance in this gun you can hide in the bushes two options then he gave you a Yates that makes you want to dance and he eats a horror makes you want to hide so it's perfectly set up two options a garden bushes a desire for the garden a will to hide in the bushes the last thing missing is to make it happen like to plug it in what's the blood what's the last thing Hashem made in the world after cava the purpose has her own job also but the purpose of vis-a-vis is the woman is the thing that makes a man choose his ambition over his fears makes him choose his dreams over that every boy who ever lived has that dream it's a universal dream to get the princess the killer dragon and get a princess I don't think there's a sheer at the cave I don't almost mention this somehow because it's it's the simplest neatest way to describe the age of life is that is that I what is the dream for a boss mellow I want something that just represents all that can be so good and so holy and so pure and so it's like I said the Republic God is very far away to a 14 year old boy unless you suffered and most people are not suffering a 40 year old man who has kids and gone through all things so he knows who God is but a 14 year old boy doesn't know who God is who is what what is the representation of rookies to a 40 year old boy a good from girl whose big eye is bright wide-eyed no guilt no shame just lifting good kind deep that's the and that's not a Jewish thing it's a universal thing every every little girl the Disneyland wasn't made for the second girls it wouldn't support itself every girl ever lived every year Disney cranks out a new princess movie the same story beautiful princess Knight and Shining danger night Johnny risks everything to save her he'll try and derail a locomotive to try I'm tired from the tracks climb a tower with no bungee cord the free of the tower kill the dragon melt the witch whatever it is the stories it's just a different princess with a different danger and a different guy with a different White Horse and a different sword and different brass buttons but he's gonna save a princess it's a universal dream the girl's dream is to be so valued and so admired that people are going to risk their lives to deserve me the most validating thing in the world someone's gonna fight to deserve you the boy's dream is I want to be validated I am so good and so special that I will deserve of the princess the boy wants to deserve her she wants to be deserved and that's the perfect world in the perfect world where girls preserve their dignity in their Tara every guy is going to want to deserve her and will have to come great changes the world the thing that makes men get out of bed in the morning and conquer the world is a boss so the Yates are toys of a boy craves a princess the dark side is is that the eight Sahara of a boy his fears and insecurities hates the princess the princess is a threat to his children he wants to give up he doesn't believe he can be a hero I just want to sleep but the princess I can't sleep I have to be a mentor I have to do this I have to go to chakras I have to learn I have to be careful how I talk there's a way you have to act with a princess so my healthy part of me that believes in myself my dreams says I want a princess the broken part of you that thinks you can't do anything and I don't have any great the princess is a threat it's like total pressure so that part of the man wants a broken girl a girl who's lost her dreams and lost her expectations and I can go with her and I don't have to be anything and the struggle of Life at that age in most ages is half of me wants the best girl in the world I'm gonna raise my game to deserve her and half of me wants a broken girl will do anything it's a very simple way to understand the world the so according to this story is so the thing that makes the entire world work is the Princess and the truth is people like hearing this that's why I say it a lot but everybody knows that you don't need me to tell to you this is our days it's not just you know how you know they know it you look at how much work is done in the world to destroy the princesses because the world most of the world has given up that's the world out there they just want to chill ing isn't the dream what's chilling chilling is just a really cool way to market failure what's the process of chilling basically lying flat on your back how is that great no it's just a really smart advertising guy who instead of calling it nebuch broken loser said no he's a chiller why is it appealing to lie flat on your back you know why because it's impossible to fall when you're ready on the floor if I don't have a job you can't fire me if I don't want to get married I'm not single if I hate money I'm not poor Chiller is the secret of the secret of chilling is is don't care about anything if you don't care about anything you can never get hurt I can't even say I like that movie because someone will go oh my God it's a shallow movie so I never say like a movie I can't say it like a book let's go you read that book it's like fourth graders so people discover early on that the safest coolest way to live is don't care about anything and we look at those people we don't say never we say they're so cool Ness is to be safely safe from insult safe from being vulnerable and the way they're safe from being vulnerable is not because they got their stuff together and nobody could find flaws it's because they stopped caring so you can fire me I quit I can't fall I'm already on the floor totally giving up it's a very sad marketing trick and then the whole world grows up wanting to chill ing is very very dangerous now the men the world want to chill because most people didn't have good Rebellion they weren't inspired they've done a lot of bad stuff they feel guilty understand when you feel guilty or ashamed or dirty and you don't believe you're gonna be a hero so now what so now every time I see a princess I feel sick with myself you remember yeah when I was eight I wanted some I believed I could have that and she reminds you of everything you wanted to be causes pain so what do you do now so the mission of the world is could we destroy all the princesses can we rob women of all their dignity can imagine what would happen if we could Rob women all the women of their dignity then we can all sleep forever no one has to do anything you can close all the yeshivas and all the businesses a world without princesses this will be a world without Heroes nobody needs to be a hero imagine a world with zero pressure to some people it sounds really beautiful so they need to destroy women but the urban who created the world with the purpose of people dancing in the gun the most valuable thing in his entire world there's nothing more important because she is the thing that will make the entire world light up if they succeed at destroying the women then there'll be nobody so the torah's primary concern is to preserve the royalty of women and therefore the first thing he did is is when you have couriers who are carrying suitcases of diamonds so every diamonds you know from the movies where every Diamond suitcase comes with something else what does it come with a handcuffs right they handcuff it on because the suitcase of diamonds you're not losing it comes with a handcuff so the royalty of women the depth of women the dreams of women are handcuffed you'll never be able to lose them there's nothing that you could possibly do that'll make yourself like a guy not caring about their dreams now if you're good that's the most beautiful thing in the world but if you're not doing well then it's really really painful there's no off switch this is why guys become addicts so easily addicted to anything people think they act I think drugs no a guy could be addicted to checkers can we get the most the most foolish things the games that guys sit on their phones with for hours the most meaningless things and then they they send you ads in middle of the game for other games and you click on every one and download everyone and your phone is full of 400 games and any one of those get you busy for a month because it's so easy for escape it's numb I don't feel any tar it's very sad because if you feel numb you're sorry stops but you have nothing to motivate you and life goes very very fast this is the sad thing now so I think men and women are very different like that the fear to face the light and the desire to sit in the darkness are very different with boys and girls because the girls the darkness is not such an option there is no Darkness we where are you going to go that the princess voice is quiet there's nowhere it's very sad so what happens is so girls do like stuff that guys don't do I love this is like so weird to put on tape but you don't find boys cutting themselves why not because if my Xbox does the job what do I have to cut How does cutting work you have to be so holy and so deep for it to work cuttings like this is that I have this voice in my head how holy I am and I don't feel holy so I'm suffering all day because I'm looking at my dreams I burned my diary I thought it was good but I'm not reading it but I'm still thinking it I found all new friends and they make fun of everything beautiful in the world but I know that they're all not true they're like not working for me I tried everything in the world that guys do I do to you the man game you're the girl game doesn't sound as good but you're the girl I'm the girl whatever I try that game it doesn't work nothing's working and it's so painful to think about what I want to be it's not what I do I create new pain and the low pain is so new it's immediate I don't even think of eye open because I have no pain it masks the old pain now why is this pain better no pain pain is pain no pain is not pain because this pain I created it's easier to tolerate pain that you made than pain that controls you to have no control over this pain is just physical just hurts but I made it so it doesn't there's no emotional I don't feel controlled by it there's no emotional power I'm controlling the pain I can turn it on or off so the the new pain is only physical it masks my pain that I feel it's a very very deep thing the crazier thing that people do to solve the silence and the Shama is this it's a single easiest way to to measure the power of lesama is how crazy things do you have to do to silence it a little weaknessama needs a little headphones bigger than the noise canceling headphones cutting the crazier things that girls do means that more powerful than their sum is how loud do you have to scream to shut down you understand it's literally an upside down world the worst things a person does is the louder Testament to the potential and the Holiness of that person's ashama and it's this obvious thing when you think about it it's not like some crazy thing I'm saying makes total sense yeah I wish it was only teenagers behave that way if someone has good self-esteem and they like themselves they love themselves you're throwing around words like self-esteem like it's jelly beans I'll just go to the store and buy some steam [Music] good about themselves exactly oh no if someone feels good about themselves oh so oh good so thank you you're keeping me on track I started this segment of the talk saying that all pain is the gap between your dreams and your limitations and there's three ways to solve it one good one and two bad ones that's what I said everything I said now was just elaborating on one of the bad ones we still need to set a good one you're already jumping to the good one which is good because I wasn't going to get there I had no memory of where I was going so so it's good you did that so now that we're back on track from now on somebody to keep track okay we need I need a navigator I need someone taking notes like just so we know where we are so we will never get back to us of course right so you were like me you you also didn't remember what I was saying I was saying there's like two good bad ways in a good way bad way number one again let's let's say it's what we did it we'll go on to bad way number two now bad way number one is I have dreams and fee and expectations the pain is the gap between the two of them and I don't believe I'm gonna be on that hurts the first way to solve it is what get silence your dreams get rid of your dreams my dreams are gone then my limitations are the problem my pain is gone guys have an easy time getting rid of their dreams headphones some noise girls have a much easier time yeah right because their dreams are so loud doesn't silence so easy help me to escape what's the Escape that's what I said and it works maybe maybe not maybe have nothing to be embarrassed of a movie would work a movie works for you not because movies work it's because you don't have so many dark secrets that you have the silence you still believe that you're good you still believe that you deserve a great guy you still believe someone's gonna fight to deserve you so you don't need to silence so much you're silencing I had a bad day you know so that movie works for it's not silencing your dreams the people when I say it does it doesn't work a movie doesn't work for a girl I'm talking about doesn't work for what for silencing her dreams the real pain not a bad day a guy even the work the biggest dreams are not that pain is not silenced by Uli yeah so a movie a movie's not working for that if that stuff worked it'd be a lot more girls in Atlantic City there'll be a lot more girls on Xboxes the lot there are you know a lot more girls drinking beer drugs drugs are drugs are a whole different level drugs work hard drugs hard drugs work hard drugs works the same for all of us so let's let me do the other bad side first we'll do the good side okay that was the rest and I took them at the good side at first we want you to picture the best bad way number one is to get again I want you to guess it on your own now because once I'm setting up it's like mathematical the gap between your dreams and your limitations is painful so one cure is deny my dreams okay no dreams now I'm good okay stupid dreams I could do okay I want to right I forget I want to be the biggest Drinker that's what I can do okay what's the other way deny your limitations what's that cheating lying cutting lying manipulating people scaring them to count out to what you want people don't accept the limitations he I don't have what I want I'll steal it I'll take it I'll bully people it also doesn't really work because it's not yours you can't really enjoy it yeah I can you know when I'm driving in the stolen car my friends were all with me it's a lot of fun but as soon as they I drop everybody off at home I'm sitting in my driveway it's not my car you know the kid who worked the whole summer made 800 bucks and he bought a rusty car from the newspaper the air conditioner doesn't work the media doesn't work rolls down the windows you could drive around with his friends for like a million dollars when he drops them off at home in his driveway maybe he has no gassy but he can't take his friends there's no money for gas use the Bull's money on the car but he can come home at night from work and he can sit in the car in his driveway and feel like a king on his throne pay for this car it's mine it's real Joy it's Joy but if you steal it it's fake the two things you could deny you could deny your dreams or you can know your limitations there's another way to say it give it two-way say Louis say it is denying your dreams is denying you denying your limitations is annoying everybody else or you can say denying my dreams it's truthful ways to see it because my limitations were is where I end is where you start so extending where I end into your term is annoying you so these are the two unhealthy ways there's another unhealthy way but I let's get to the to the positive way so what's the positive way how do you deal with the pain of dreams and limitations by saying I can do that I don't have to steal I can work hard so that so that's not really limitation then then you beforehand you weren't you're not dividing limitations means the forehand you were denying your abilities it's a lie my they're not my limitations we're talking about if they really are limitations right you're right but your case is most people's examples as it wasn't limitations maybe that's part of the Cure I should say that there are preliminary course you know intro to the good way is first establish that your limitations or real limitations and your dreams were your real dreams maybe you had crazy dreams it'd be wanted to fly if you're a boy you wanted to fly then you gotta get a dream something happened when that dream come it's not a natural dream you know you want a boss mellow that makes sense you're all boss Melos plenty of them right right but but if there's if your dream is to fly so you first have to check I shouldn't say that let's make a checklist of all the steps like a pilot right before you take off okay so first check first number one is number one is is you're right uh like he's reminded me of a sad song from when I was certain non-jewish songs that even yes allowed to listen to like at times in those days you know Harry Chapin like the Cats in the Cradle you know so he had a song called Taxi he's driving his taxi and he he might do a tournaments on a totally typing whatever but he he's talking about his dreams when he was a kid of driving a taxi and now he goes and my dreams come true now I'm flying in my taxi it's very sad flying my taxi and the girl in the story she dreamed of being an actress and now she's acting happy very sad song and me I'm flying in my taxi whatever so so I hope you have an editor okay no it's kosher I think it's outside kosher I'm not I'm not your you know uh no no it's not it's your decision sorry if I heard anyone's sensitivities I'm a little sorry I'm so sorry sorry okay all right okay um yeah so so first check that your dreams are in false dreams and your limitations are enforcing if we establish that your dream is a real dream and your limitations are real limitations so what's the answer so many answers you say the simplest answer simplest answer is called patience who created the world as a gun and he created me that means my gun is available to me he's not he's Hashem is not the guy in Camp who took the daddy long legs and pulled their legs off one time you know the guy in your punk that's not God he didn't create you to torture you if something's happening then the only thing guarantee you is the wrong answer is he's here to hurt you that's a wrong answer he's a native so that means that you're not ready yet there's a process the answer to most things is patience who why do you think you're supposed to do you imagine what how many people go to princess how many people go to princess movies from Disney if the princess would be in danger and she'd go oh I wish someone else hates me he's there saves her they take gotta take an hour it's got to be built up it has to be a process the guy you have to see the guy you have to see Rocky you're jogging running up and down those stairs for months and you have to be lifting weights you want to see the guy you want to see the guy getting a tutor and learning every day I have to say there and then and going to muscle schmoozim and slowly you want to watch the scenes of how he's changing all of a sudden you see his face are growing a little bit and all of a sudden he's not wearing sneakers no more Crocs or whatever those clogs they wear now he's getting real shoes and then you know get further on and also now he's carrying a Gamora to school and then you see he's wearing a hat and you like the process the process is powerful life is a process every step is magical the Buddhism wants you to have every step of the journey last week's parisha we had right after the series of debris is back with stairs it has to be a ramp foreign get to the top there was a ramble why couldn't there be stairs that you shouldn't be exposed shouldn't expose himself to miss bear it's a nice thought but I don't understand how it works technically because the coin had begotten it wasn't like he was just wearing uh you know there was no there's no exposure to the steps so how do we understand going up a ramp versus going up steps besides let's say you were why is a ramp and steps any less exposed if you don't but you're wearing pants two questions right how does a ram get rid of that problem so people say this I don't know none of it worked for me ever the explanation is is that it's metaphorical like most of the things in Terror it it of course practically but confession was not wrapped up in whether people are going up Rams or steps he wants us to understand how to live our lives and as humans we need visual practical lessons what is a ramp versus steers teach me in an existential sense is that if I want to get to the top of my Miss bear I want to be my I want to get do my service dashem I want to be who I was meant to be there are different ways to get there I took a lot of students over the years they're just all on trips one of the highlights of every trip is you go to Masada right you go Sunrise where it's not too hot you climb the mountain there's always one guy in every group who when no one's looking he sneaks off takes the cable car you know you get to the top and he's there and he he pours his canteen over his head so he looks all up so nobody knows that he uh you know you always know which guy he was are you can bust the guy because when you have the group picture I can always tell you who took the cable car he's either the guy in the middle who's like the most over compensating how animated he is like that's the guy that the cable car he has the over over exaggerate his like experience or the more simple thing is he's the guy in the corner like everyone else is like we just climb the mountain and he's like oh awkward he doesn't believe there belong there either he's shrinking in the corner or he's over dramatic in his but we know who the guy who climbed is right because he feels guilty and ashamed we took shortcuts and he cheated a cable car is not climbing a mountain when if if you get to where you want to get in life and you did it with a cable car then you're exposed your error is exposed your nakedness is exposed because you cheated and it's not real and You're vulnerable to other people finding out or you yourself know and you can't look yourself in the mirror if you want to live life without that feeling you have to go on a ramp a ramp it's every step along the way doesn't miss anything you accomplish what you accomplish through every step that's the kid who paid for his rusty cars in on Dallas he can sit in the car and feel like he's on a throne even though the car can't go anywhere because he has no money for gas it's a throne my car that's a ramp he paid for it when you steal it it's a cable car and it's shame they're saying the most unbelievable lesson your avoida your Miss bayach you're going to serve Hashem don't climb on on stairs jump steers are not as bad as a cable car still maybe they're worse steers are a cable car masquerading as a ramp you know sort of a ramp no it's just a lot of jumps you know it doesn't hit every stop whatever it's a more complicated I don't want to get into it because the menorah did have stairs what's up with that right so I could do it but no one I don't think I don't trust anyone's going to remind me to get back on track so so in life that's the ramp if your dreams came true the second you have them it would be a cable car the reaction to the Gap the holy reaction to the gap between your dreams new expectations is not pain it's oh a ramp cool ramp this must be a misbeha when you're not where you want to be the translation is wow this is a ramp my dreams around goes step by step and that's the truth of life every day you have skills that you don't that you that you didn't have the day before most things I heard A very wise thing from think it was rabbits in greenblatt spoke of my community years ago and someone one of the women asked her I don't see myself ever wearing a shato so she said maybe but you know how it works when you're very far away you don't see things usually things will be very very far like I don't see it it must be out of sight or it could be that it's very close just around the corner it could be four feet away but if you turn the corner it's there you didn't turn the corner yet and you don't know what's within your realm of possibility because every corner you make you get a whole new vantage point when you don't believe that what your dreams are coming true because the path to who you are is a ramp and it's full of Corners it's elaborate ramp and every day you get new Vantage points and it'll become clear and clearer what you could have and patience life is it's very in it's very not real expectation of things to come right now and I don't think anyone really has that expectation it's only the type of expectation that someone who's insecure doesn't think they deserve it has it's like like why do people pursue instant gratification Bell yet what's wrong with instant gratification what's wrong what's wrong with this gratification what's wrong isn't that good why should I wait let's say it's Pizza it's Pizza Pizza I wanna I wanna get frozen pizza put in the oven or I have the same Pizza fresh and it'll take me another 45 minutes that's a bad example but this there's nothing there's nothing this is not there's nothing wrong with instant gratification why not does how quick it comes what's wrong with this gratification I'll tell you what is you understand what I'm not asking the question properly but what's wrong with this graduation is is only if I have choice of let's say five choices here I have instant gratification I have the cheapest gratification I have the the uh the most popular gratification I have the the best gratification I have the the most unique gratification what's the right choice what's wrong with Instagram education is the wrong choice the right choice is the best gratification maximum gratification that's the right choice you choose the best thing not the quickest thing it's not wrong to get things fast it's wrong to trade something better for something fast so why do people pursue instant gratification why do we do that what what up what is the lack of patience why why are we not patient what you don't have okay so why can't I wait for it because you don't believe that that it's gonna why I'm gonna wait and I'm never gonna get it if you believe that you're going to get it over time that you're not chosen the quicker thing the only reason people take shortcuts and do things quickly or do things easy it's because they think that if I if I try the hard thing the long thing I'm never going to last till the end anyway I'm not going to get it I might as well just take what's of it better one in the hand than doing the bush that's the expression that's not a really good principle it's not a Toyota principle why what what must be true for someone to say better one than the hand Towing the bush they don't believe that they're going to get let's come later then it makes sense to choose now so the prerequisite to choosing instant gratification is that you don't believe in yourself if you believe in yourself you'll wait so that's all that's the only reason it's wrong the reason people choose shortcuts well things because they'll they everybody knows that it'll be cooler to earn it I just think if I do it the real way I'm not going to earn it right so let me let me at least take what's here that's the reason people take shortcuts who's keeping track of where we were a middle people but yeah it was a long time ago I always thought of that yeah patience our dreams that can't be so why not no one yeah in a case where they're too old to have to like it could happen hi okay yeah yeah this thing just things there's things in life that uh hook him also I just hooking them they spot them there are things that are harder to figure out and we can talk about them but and it's worth talking about but it's very dangerous to talk about these things for one reason that 99 of our Tsar is things that we're not thinking right about and we consult and to ask the questions from the few things that are real questions distracts us from yes there are children with yanamaha that doesn't mean that all the pain that I ever felt I deserved why not blessing someone what's the pain the pain is only when you don't think it's happening if you if you believe in it you know it's anyone anything any kind was ever like in pain because of the ramp he knew the ramp is 47 steps 47 says I'll be in the top if we had that Clarity that life is a ramp and a karishburg who has gave me is given me what I wanted we would be like okay we just don't believe we're going to get there I don't know it's pain is you don't have the pain if you believe you're gonna get there it's exciting journey is the most fun kid on a trip to call my trip the whole bus ride is like giggling and getting the whole thing preparing your clothing the night beforehand where's the pain in that because he's never experienced dreaming and wanting something they didn't get there [Music] why not so what he thinks about the only trip in his mind is the biggest thing in the world how is that different than anybody else's dream in fact is figure it for him what's big his mommy went to the hospital to have a new baby brother right that's a big thing yeah now here it takes nine months right is he suffering for nine months no his mother told me it's nine months every day is exciting probably nine months yet no pain we don't have the clarity that's coming because we don't believe in ourselves we not to God we don't believe in we're going to read next week is Hashem amongst us or not that's a heavy question doesn't Neo people think it means when you say is Hashem amongst us or not who are you questioning if you question Hashem you say is there Hashem or not amongst us or not what are you saying there is Hashem it's just does he hang around me well does he not want to be anywhere near me who will you not believing in in that case yourself the lack of a Muna in MO at least in clydesdale's history is not a lack of a moon in Hashem like there's a very nice way people say it it's not an issue whether I believe in Hashem I don't believe Hashem Believes In Me the reason why I think Hashem doesn't believe me is because I don't believe in me was a when you don't believe you're good then then the waiting is torture because you don't you don't note I'm not not going to believe it till I see it but when you know that you're good and you're on track and you're doing what you're supposed to do the way every kid is until he's tasted copping out this experience of the kid not having any sorrow waiting is only true until he's had his first cheating and copping out because then he feels to her and he has no belief that anything's gonna go wrong so that kid feels no pain waiting as long as it is you tell them how long it is he might ask you 30 times a day is it Tuesday yet you know is it is it whatever it is Purim is it Purim yet right and you say normally she asked me yesterday I told you three weeks the only one day right so there's no pain in that it's just giddy excitement it's not coming fast enough Because he believes it's coming you have to believe two things to believe something's coming yeah Hashem made the world to give and that I am still eligible for the giving if any one of those goes then you then waiting becomes terrifying right in 20 years from now your child's gonna settle down child is not serving a sense Not Human Services no it doesn't it still seems for reality because 20 years it's interesting say the question yeah okay so um so the question is just because let's say parents gotten have no viewer that's a kid who's in a bad place and suffering it's going to be good in 20 years right so it doesn't change the fact that right now they're suffering that's the question so let me say a few things first of all it's interesting I'm not sure it doesn't change the fact what right and if it could it could let's say the novel was the only thing makes it more tangible for us I don't believe regular life but but let's say there wasn't always this is going to be good but let's say the rule was that everything he suffered is going to change him for the better it's going to be magic this kid is going to be so deep and so sensitive that he's going to look back one day and say wow every moment of my tire was worth it if that wasn't then the parents could could care if they trust the Lord you see we could say words we're so it's not that we don't trust navor we don't say we say I know Hashem promised it I know it is but that was that was what he said it to me and I was I hadn't missed children three days in a row it was before I started hanging around with those girls and going through where they go and must be a way that Hashem could change his mind if I'm not keeping my end of the bargain all of our fears and hesitancy comes from our own perception that we're undeserving and that has a whole bunch of cures you know it's so complicated but there are cures in mishpat that that first of all Hashem promised something he promised something number two is I yeah I struggles I'm going to be good or something Hashem sees where I'm going to end up also and he knows expects ups and downs and then there's answers of Rahman that yeah let's say I messed up I'm not who I was then let's say I'm not getting better let's say I gave up Hashem and he has forgiveness and mercy are you going to let me go he said give me what I want anyway there's a hundred ways to hope now I'm not saying that there's no pain because that the reality is that none of us are there we don't we're not sure that we're going to deserve it in mishbach even though I'm at Sadiq right now I don't know if I'm gonna be excited tomorrow I think that right now I'm good and all of ourselves promises will come true right now I can't speak about tomorrow and therefore I'm worried not that Hashem I don't trust in me they're not preserving the rahmanas we always have a terrorist in ourselves how it's not going to work for me now so we have some kind of trepidation and fear but exactly maybe that's not a bad thing it's real it's raw it's real What would life be like if if there was no worries in those theories and no no chance of losing the bracha what would Allah be like you know it would be like the worst thing in the world is our release every negative Hazard said about Arabic has no time then comes at the end you know when you're supposed to say oh I'm sorry we love you no we take it the last day of circus everything right bash him on the floor and everyone at least the men's side it's who can knock off more leaves in my five banks you know what did I robbers do so bad you know even though the story of her office is I don't know these are called they're um Willows of the streams what's the point of willows in the streams it's the same thing as mitraim mitzrayim is the farm in the Torah or is that the final time Hashem is defining area and he says you know what Eric soil is it's not the land that I'm giving you is not like the land of Egypt that you water your plants over there like a gardener with a watering can you know it's a swirl you need rain what does that mean when sarayam has something called the Nile they are and they are overflows and in Egypt they planned all around the earth it's called the Nile Valley everyone plants around the earth and you dig irrigation canals from the Nile to your crops and then the Nile Rises up and feeds all your crops you go home and it's all good cool thing to have ER you know no worries you just plant around the yard Hashem says well you have no yar and there it Israel you need to depend on rain from the beginning to the end of the year now that's a very very hard thing that difference is huge because farmer can do every scenario soil can do everything you need to do buy the best seeds the best plows the best oxen you can work from dawn to dusk every day for the whole year and he still doesn't know if he's going to eat because there's one thing he doesn't control and that's the rain most people can't fully invest themselves in something if they don't know it's going to come it's way too painful and too risky so what do we do we give up our dreams and we just plant around the our Niles whatever is easy and available and guaranteed I'll do but anything that I wanted that's not guaranteed it's too risky too long for it too risky to dream that's what the Triumph represents only longing for things that are guaranteed limiting your dreams and your personality to anything that has risk a real voice of the same thing of the planned Kingdom they're called Willows of the streams they grow along the banks of the river they get irrigated by the stream that runs along them they don't need rain now both get the same thing CLEP Marcus why arrives have no time and no react you know why they have no time in Oregon because Tom and Raya comes from longing when you plan somewhere where there's no water you need rain that farmer goes to sleep at night dreaming longing he sits with it to him he does you develop personality when you live with dreams that are not here yet you know what it means to anticipate you know what it means to Hope and to pray you become deep and complicated and serious and poetic and all these depth of emotions person who is given everything he ever wanted doesn't have any time in any way it's spoiled mitzrayim the same thing that's all the Earth there's no rain no need for rain it's all good so no mystery farmer ever had to dream or worry so you know what happens I'm gonna try him power he has a dream and there's not one person in the whole country who can tell about his dream because they know nothing about dreams in the Triumph it's a country without dreams like our office places and trees and without dreams because they only invest themselves in things that are guaranteed and right here and what happened to someone like that you know so it's it's what builds us is longing we don't know the value of lying in your backyard and staring at the sun at us at the stars through years planning out your life writing in a diary planning thinking talking to your friends planning your class enough when you're five years old this is what makes us do you really want to be so safe what happens if everything was guaranteed inside nobody would dream nobody we all have no time on the rare what we like about ourselves is our depth you wouldn't want to live a life like that you need to know that Hashem guarantees these things and you need to know that yes you could lose it they couldn't mess up and it keeps you honest and it keeps you hoping you know but but not having something guaranteed doesn't mean you suffer power is about saying there's no one in the whole country who knows anything about dreams what do you need to do you need to find a Jewish boy in jail he knows what dreams are you always says that's who we are his whole life is struggles but Yoshi is a dreamer and you know he says and he's in jail and he's in jail and in five minutes at botifa's house a Jewish boy sold the slavery he's running the whole house he goes in jail in five minutes he runs the whole jail comes out of jail in five minutes he's running the whole Egypt nothing guaranteed but dreamers are full of Earth you know what happens when you're a dreamer the Triumph doesn't dream he always says dreams but as soon as shows up in Italian everybody near him starts dreaming comes to jail and the guys who are sharing his room start having dreams Sarah Marshall Sarah even Parry dreams are contagious when one person walks around with fire in his eyes and excitement everybody else goes wow you're really investing yourself in something that's not here you're not scared and you look at you are you safe and you see yourself walking around doesn't have anything as a slave but he's smiling the smile of somebody with dreams and everyone around you goes you're not worried to dream what are you doing you can break your heart and they look at yourself they go look I could also have a maybe if he works for him it'll work for me everybody starts dreaming now yes there are sorrow ephraims who dream it doesn't end up so good but the dreams themselves change your life it makes life exciting and worth living a life without dreams is just trudging through life yeah we have hope but even but more than the hope they have story every moment is is is alive pregnant with presence a moment and but I understand but your life came true because of that dream you woke up every morning and you built worlds right maybe the dream is beautiful do you think maybe the dreams were just the dreams don't change what changes is is I wanted to be a hero and deserve a princess what changes is when I was a little kid that meant the cowboy and then it became a teacher and then it became a rebbe never became I want to hear of and then it became on the kirovan a little real estate on the side you know and then it became I just want to be the guy who walks my kids down the hopper it's always the same dream it's the dream of of being the author of some beautiful purposeful thing the dream's the same the kid who wants to be an astronaut dream isn't to be an astronaut his dream is to matter his dream is to have a place in the world where he is a role in the Symphony of existence is necessary The Girl Who Wants to Be a Princess is not that she wants to live in a house of burgundy and gold not that she wants these puffy gowns and Crystal slippers it's a dream is I want to be so valued that people will be inspired to make themselves better because of me it's a real dream and how that looks changes in life in the beginning it's in the beginning it's a princess then becomes a nurse then it becomes a teacher then it becomes a mother it's all the same dream that our dreams are Universal the girl wants to be inspiring the boy wants to be powerful why are those two things different how long the light should be but the difference why those dreams are up different is because men and women are opposites how are we opposite not better or worse this we're both Godly there's two types of godliness there's two words very use described Goliath kadusha and tahara foreign we use them like they're synonyms no they're opposites you achieve cadusa you preserve tahara you start tahr and you don't lose it you defend Tara kadusha as you start and you have to work hard and change and climb and become cudders the avoida of a boy is to become Kurdish he's born arrogant lazy selfish lustful self-centered impatient Wild the girl is born tar kind and sensitive and deep and pure a girl is already born Godly a boy is born with the absence of godliness doesn't mean that he's a Russian the boy is not judged by how he was born he was born that way the boy will be judged at the end of 120 years okay so how many rungs did you climb up the ladder are you exactly where you started how hard did you get and the girl is not going to be rewarded for being so so Godly because she was born that way she's going to be judged how much of your Torah did you hold on to did the world succeed at cheapening you did they degrade you did they pull you down and if the girl can manage to hold on to her Tara and the boy can manage to climb the ladder then they meet at the top him experiencing the thrill of having achieved and climbed this journey and her experiencing the Bliss of having defended everything Hashem gave her and together they're called All of godliness and they experience all the brother because all pleasure in the world comes from kadusha entire the joy of being perfect and cold with no shame and the boy of and the beauty of having traveled huge Journeys and become what I am each one of those is the opposite you can't have it a girl can never feel that Journey pleasure and the boy can never feel the pleasure of having always been a pristine of and together it's flameless and that's how we have whole different missions the boy's whole life is a whole thing is about his drives his drives because drives and what ambition is what makes you climb ladders and the princess so there's a the girl each one of us helps the other one the fact that she's so good and so holy is what inspires him to climb and the fact that he's climbing up the ladder is what helps her stay stay on top because it's so validating to her that look how hard he's working to climb to me I'm gonna hold on to this Tower it's so powerful so beautiful the acknowledgment of her Tara is what allows you to stay there so his journey validates her her journey about and together we complete each other but it's very different the woman feels greatest when she's you see a boy feels great when he's becoming great accomplishment achievement his his ambition is his goal a girl feels like she's already there she doesn't need to become something girls have something similar to ambition but you can't have ambition when you're perfect if you're godly you don't have a mission I'm there already I don't need to film myself I'm already full girls are saying civil transitions not the girls don't want to do something a girl's ambition is two things is creativity creativity is not that I want to become something but I want to do things with who I am and similar to creativity is is inspiration nurturing I want to use who I am to raise other people to inspire people so we both have desires to go further the man's ambition is to fill himself the girl's ambition is to overflow so to the similar yeah what if someone crushes your dream so so what are you basically saying you're saying let me rephrase the question to help you answer it what if someone vetoes God's opinion of you what do you think can anyone veto God's opinion of you God says you you're a princess third grade insecure teacher says never had a student as difficult as you are never going to be anything who's right why would you trust the teacher over how could someone crush your dream they can only Crush you right I'm not saying that happens all the time right so there's two things I'm giving you right now the pie in the sky way that you should not have your dreams crushed because who are they to veto God unfortunately we don't feel that secure or we think that Hashem is going to let her veto him because the teacher is right I'm not who I used to be and Hashem is upset at me like we said before so yeah it could be anyone it could be anyone nobody could nobody could be no God it's like but I'm gonna give you a different answer I'm giving you a philosophical answer now it's a show that shouldn't happen but it does happen because we're not but first let's describe why it shouldn't happen I'm going to give you a the flip side of this like so you like the knock her down lock her down so what okay so what should the girl do in that situation what the girls would say in that situation is right the no notes we were talking about and I said in the earlier speech that that a man was not in a great place so he has a when he sees the princess the threat to him because it's hard to live the whole life I've got to go home and feel comfortable in my house I have to let loose and take my shoes off and feel free but if my wife is so holy and so pure and I feel like I'm doing this I shouldn't do and I'm not working hard enough I'm not happening well enough I come home I need to feel free I don't feel free I just feel guilty at home I see she's doing everything and I'm not and life becomes a terrible pressure my the one place need to feel safe I don't feel safe because I just feel so uncomfortable like I say this thing I said how come every man by breakfast reads the cornflakes box for the 47th time we know it by heart already who reads things twice let alone 47 times why do we do it because behind the cornflakes box is your wife and if you don't have the quarterbacks you're going to look in her eyes you know what you see in her eyes you see everything that you promised when you were accustomed if you're not that guy it's very hard to look in the eyes so you'd rather eat corn flakes because it hurts looking nice so what do men do see the problem with wires is like you don't let him read the complex box right you say okay enough of the cornflakes you're home for five minutes I'm gonna talk I said how the guys looking so now what do you do if you have to look in their eyes you see the diary it's fixable I have a diary it's the same as a wife right a diary says everything you ever wanted to be so I die reason I'm a problem right but we get married but but look at the girls side the girl has a diary she's not living that way Diaries painful what the girl what the guy who feels by breakfast look at his wife and eyes with those big eyes waiting for me to be inside the guy promised it's the same pain the girl has when she reads her daughter who says you're going to be a princess she's not so Diaries are fallible thank God so you can burn a diary in South wives don't burn so well right it's uh seeing all this weird stuff that you can okay so what do you do what does the world do the world does if you can you can knock her down and convince her and yourself that she's not so wonderful also then you can look at her eyes because you don't feel guilty anymore that's people do terribly they knock people down so what's the woman supposed to do then right what do you do well first of all you need to be tar if you're tahar and you really are good then when the guy says this you know you can't hurt someone who doesn't have doubts already about themselves [Music] right that's fair that's fair but so so everything I'm saying is relative to what you are right he can't sell you on that you're worse than you really are and you're better than them so he's not going to really knock you down yeah he'll point out a few flaws it doesn't warrant him knocking me down yeah I burned the chicken I'm sorry yeah I I can't do four things at a time only three things at a time sorry you know or yeah I had a weekday it was hard and I uh I got angry and like you know what I was jealous of somebody once because life was hard and they got a new shato and I I haven't we haven't even had a vacation in two years you know and usually I'm great and as well we just that doesn't warm you coming home and feeling like like we're equal because you're sitting doing nothing like you don't die you don't do anything okay so you a guy nobody could overstate your failings right so even if you're not perfect they can't make you feel worse they don't have that Authority right it doesn't work so what you're supposed to say is the script is listen to law you had a hard day at work I get it I feel bad and so on I thank Hashem that I don't have to go to work like you do or not your office in my office everyone's so nice and I want to go to school three times a day with a minion and makes my own Christmas I get it so hard but just because it's hard don't take it out on me you know I'm not angry I'm patient I didn't marry you because you're perfect I'm married because you have a lot of potential and I have a lot of patience and I'm waiting and as long as you're growing I'm good but don't because you are not happy with your progress punish me for believing in you it's not a good thing to do I'm just gonna say you talk to him what's he gonna say you can only say that if you really believe in yourself you have to believe in yourself most of that's that's you know and what's the guy going to say you know you just you're basically saying husband you're being a drama King like stop it like okay stop it you had a hard day okay you're not so you say this girls don't marry guys because they're perfect why do girls marry guys their potential this guy could be great this guy could be amazing you see his Godless and he's good enough he showed that he's not a waster potential so obey him say he tries hard he he's not a cop-out but you know it's a very hard journey to climb ladders and and it's a very attractive thing for a girl to see climb around a warrior right there's different kinds of Beauty in life I when I was a kid I had these GI Joe dolls call them action figures uh dolls duh actually they all had scars built into their cheeks part of the molded plastic every one had a different scar you know they never made scar Barbie why because there's different types of beauty on the guy who's a climber scarves are cool because what does scars say this guy's a real climber he's a warrior on the girl if she has a scar what does it says says she's having a hard time holding on like Tara is pure you know and uh again that's just the looks the very shallow way to talk about it but it's a good metaphor you know it's a good metaphor and the way we are I don't even feel guilty because it's late and we're not sleeping so I can get lost all I want what are we saying how do we get here when my Navigators go [Music] um time is it let's say you know what okay let let's see not an adult you're a child and the appearance put you down so let me say let me say this all my toy around I'm saying now tire is very very big God is very very big I'm giving neat little rules neat little rules don't deal with everything my point in the beginning was that there are there are things in life that need different explanations I took about Sarah a lot there are children who get cancer they didn't do anything wrong most cases in the world are not children with cancer so you can talk about I can talk about that 90 percent of Tsar in my life every Tsar I had was something I did wrong there's no magic most of the things we talk about children is part of a different category the pain of children the pain of children is a different discussion means a whole different thing it's a good discussion to happen it's important and important you say this and you understand and huggah and then they're very powerful and very real like everything else talking about it's just it's not a useful conversation for us because the conversations are useful of the ones that especially this lady that anyone who's here now deserves to be pushed somewhere that you benefited from being moist and that is there 20 years and we'll just continue doing a little bit I understand so you're so so let me just finish this thought so I prefer to talk I'll come back to a second just you it's your job to remember what I'm supposed to get back to but let me just I'll finish this quickly the the useful discussions are for grown-ups people who acknowledge that my suffering is 99 not even 90. it's 94. 99 caused by me it's very easy to say it's all bad it's not the day we acknowledge that people who don't like me is that a nice maybe I'm selfish maybe I'm insecure and I show off things maybe you'll feel bad maybe I'm a taker it's very hard to to acknowledge these things but kind good loving people who who make other people feel good they're liked not just like people don't leave them alone foreign this is like the most loving person who sees it's not like pathetic loving oh you never I love you it's like I love you you rock star like it makes everybody feel like you you know if you if you if people aren't calling you waiting in line for your like you're like hey Licious because you're not you're not finding their greatness and you're not making them feel great about themselves not doing a thing no the it's it's a it's on it's unbelievable how much of the world makes total sense we see a few things that are not explainable and therefore we we we get rid of all responsibility goes oh it doesn't make sense no 99.9 of the world makes sense there's very few things that all make sense and to talk about those things as a cop-out it's philosophy it's nice to learn philosophy the philosophy is God's business how he runs this world that's his business my job is how does you see Felding work and you see the line works I understand okay I don't have to figure out how God does things you know all the weird stuff and how that happens and how he explains it philosophy philosophy and psychology is philosophy is how the world Works psychology is how I work our personal thank you that's okay our personal Journeys are are our insecurities and our fears and why are we hiding and why are we alienating people how can we better how can we the better you are the more people love you people want it if you trust Hashem that he made you and he's good then you like who you are and you like who you are and you believe it's going to be good so you're not defensive and you talk to people you're not looking for validation from them and using them you're asking how you can help them and they feel that and they want to be near you and people want to help you because if they see you as one of the greatest things in the world you make people feel good confidence confidence is so appealing and confidence comes when you know Hashem is taking care of you when you know Hashem runs the world all this stuff is in our control all of our pains are from our cop-outs from our selling outs all this now let's go back to where what happens for the mice that were knocked around so I'll consider that um your young lady does not the day you were born your birthday is a day that you were knocked around they didn't rule you you are figure out how to say this very powerful heart I like to make well I'll do a lot lately of taking casals that people think or like magical I did a lot with from people who offered there so they tend to know all these ghazals and they make fun of them so I like to show them how powerful and real the gazals are everybody knows that a baby's in the womb we're going to end with this okay I'm gonna tell you this to take a few minutes not a short vert it's deep and it needs a little work and they have to do it together but the baby's in the room he learns kala tarakula and then the Mala comes and hits him on the lip and when you get hit in the lip you forget the whole Terror and then the rest life you have to cover the Torah right then we learn the story so from people we can accept it people who become cynical they make fun of kids learning the womb hits you and get to it then comes from just too many weird things it's very easy to make fun of so here's how I explained the Kazam you'll see when you understand the real explanations you realize that the simple practical thing is even more beautiful than the magical one it's not a cop-out it's just this is what I meant it's so beautiful let's go in order it's going to sound a little weak in the beginning as you get closer to the end it'll become more and more beautiful memorial let's start simple let's replace the magical words with real words okay so let's first of all let's say what what is Torah it's a Hebrew word what is Toby really if you have to use a nice English word for what the Torah is wisdom wisdom's good word wisdom what is wisdom what what is knowledge that's the most nugget of what now knowledge is what what you have when you have knowledge knowledge is the the word we use for someone who possesses what famous similar to knowledge understanding and knowledge share what what do you understand and what do you know what I think you already skipped the next stage I wanted an answer before life sort of like what's what's the worst truth okay tire is just the truth okay but I don't like the word truth it's a very full south of the word it's cold what is the what is a better word for truth tangible practical word for truth something that people that mean something to me what's another word for truth it's not philosophy what is it you don't have to get it I'm asking weird questions that don't lead themselves to answers I just when I say the answer it'll make sense how I ask them you have no way of figuring that out real beautiful very good I shouldn't have knocked myself you were doing good okay you're good we're good okay okay so after three hours you sleep the same language okay so reality so when I say Torah I just what would we just say we said that Torah means truth and truth is reality so when I say I learned the children know the whole Torah what does that mean that children live in reality say everything exactly as it is that's what all children are children it's only once we go through a life and we mess up we start defending ourselves that we have to distort things and spin them and twist them and pour pour water on on them the but but when we're kids we see things as they are truth reality okay so we say that a kid knows the whole Torah what do we mean that babies children innocent things they live in reality okay then we say The Mao hits them they forget what does that mean so firstly it's simple now we get deeper Malik is just another word for Messenger messages meaning children live in reality no everything as it is they're just so real until whoever Hashem sends knocks them around and we get knocked around we start to lose sight of reality we start to make to to make distort things because we don't believe got knocked around we and we that's called forgetting Torah if Tyra is reality so when do you forget reality when you like when the model hits you make a little more real when I was a rally in Pennsylvania we had this little Glass Room behind the house and I used to sit there I grew up in the city I never saw grass just concrete so it was nice to sit with grass all around this gold glass and and I would appear my glasses in there one day I'm sitting there this beautiful bird not a pigeon they had all these new kinds of words and this beautiful word flies bam right into the glass window you asked well didn't see it and falls down in a little Heap and I was like watching the bird I saw what happened it was like oh you like why'd I have to see that like why did I said wanted to see that and I go out on the little like walk away around the glass whom I see the birds alive he's like fiddling around I said let's see and then two minutes later he picked himself up a little wobbly and he flies off but I was thinking as he flies off will he ever be able to fly again the same way he just he used to fly because until now he knew that the sky is open and he could fly like the symbol of freedom is a bird just careless and carefree fly into this guy but now he discovered that only 99 of the sky is open every once in a while there's a really hard spot and he never knows when's the next time he's going to hit that hard spot so for the rest of his life he has to fly like this with his little beak like tilted to the side like so he doesn't have a full-on like a certain hesitancy in the reluctance and the way he flies he has to fly like this he's never gonna fly again with that Carefree thing it's a very powerful image that image of the bird let me ask you if you were painting a picture like of that of humanity what is the human moment of when we hit that glass wall that we then spend the rest of our lives reluctant and hesitant it happens to us too it's part of life we start off flying little kids are flying excited wide-eyed and then one day we get knocked around we get hit by the malach and from now on we forget the reality and we're head we distort things we're hesitant I the birds we can Define that moment is when he hits a glass wall that's when he forgets his Carefree reality and he's living in this illusion of restriction and what's the human if you were painting a picture you wanted people to feel that a human what is there a moment so many moments like that but what's a universal moment of a person hitting the wall for the first time that you know they're going to be reluctant from now on what do you think is the universal moment for that so the moment I think of is probably the truth for many kids this is the first time at the world is that when we're two years old we learned how to talk and we start saying words every single thing a Jewish little kid said is like God he's a genius he's so adorable every guest who comes to try and get the kid to say that weird word he couldn't say right and like how durable is kids learn when they're two that they're rock stars everything they say is like the most adorable thing and they can perform and people get they get attention and the kid feels like the most unbelievably appreciated thing in the world and everything he says is diamonds and he eventually they feel powerful and they can exert their power I'll talk to certain people certain people never get me them for him and like we don't understand their system but they know they control you know they have their intuitive way that they decide when they're going to disseminate their cuteness you know so every time he opens his mouth he knows everyone's gonna go oh my God so beautiful so smart until one day something's going on something important the kid comes in there's people in the house and he says his little cute line everyone goes not now shake it doesn't know what hit him hello Sam I'm not a genius and a rock star I'm bad the first hitting of a wall that most kids experience is being shushed and then for the rest of his life every time he wanted to open his mouth some part of him wonders is this a genius thing or a shush thing he never feels safe to live Carefree that's the human moment this is what still one more the most important step coming so I'm not at the punch line we just finished stage two this is what let's plug this into my story now so what hazala is saying now we have a little more data is saying that every child in the world lives totally in reality flying through the sky until the Mala comes and hits him on the lip what's the hitting on the lip until they get shushed and when they get shushed they they start to live reluctant they lose their total presence and reality and they live in this alternative world of fear and insecurity it's one last step it's still a little cute but a little little wishy-washy comes right in a second the question is now that's a nice verb but we don't get this Dent when we get shushed everybody has that dead long time before the shush so it can't really mean that the dent came from the model cutting it would be cute if it meant that but it doesn't mean that the dent was first so what's the vote the Lord is so powerful is that everybody in the world was just we don't know how damaging the search is what most people live their life is they go they we think that our job in life was to fly through the sky I was a bird I was flying it was so amazing everything was laid out in front of me someone came they shot me out of the sky they ruined my life they shot me down I'm never the same since then everything was amazing and then a few different options happen some people will never fly again because they're scared some people will dafka become the best Flyers just to show that rebby that he was wrong the whole life becomes defined by there and he said the point everybody is changed by the problem by the by the moment they got shot down one guy willing to fly again it's never going to be himself again he this web he ruined his life the other one he's flying again just to prove it wrong he's not living his life his life his life really became his God it's in his head occupies such so much real estate in his life when we got shot out of the sky for most of us it ruins us our entire lives become reactions to that proving it to him to ourselves to everybody else that's not true I was right it cripples us and this is what causes most people's heart that was that was the question the question was is what happens when you're a child you knocked around and you lose you you you lose yourself so I'm going to give you the answer to that now it took a long time over so together the kids know the whole Torah kids live in reality they're flying through the sky until the Mala comes and hits us whoever it is who shushes me and now for the rest of my life um I forget Terror I have a new new world Tyra is reality my new world is not reality it's proving this guy wrong his worldview his thoughts is that's what I live for I'm flying in the sky of his ideas ah the dent didn't come then so what does it mean a dent didn't come then so this is the maybe the most one of the most important things to understand about life because every one of us was damaged by our negative experiences this is the key to recovering from them could be the most important thing we'll ever hear is that when I look in the wake up in the morning I'll go to the bathroom I look in the mirror open top of the sink and I see this little Dent you know the den says that dent was there before the shush so I thought that my purpose in life was to fly and this person came and Ruined My Life by shooting me out of the sky everything was good how did Hashem let him shoot me out of the sky it was perfect everything was going to be good he ruined me then you look in the mirror and you see the dent he didn't root the dent was there what does it mean the dent was there how did what's a dent the dent isn't the mark from the shush you weren't created to fly and he ruined you and shot you down you know what you were created for you you thought your birthday was when you were born and he came and shot you down and ruined your life no you were created with a dent you know what this thing says this thing says rebby Place Finger here and sush you weren't created the fly and he ruined You by assessing you the purpose of life is to be flying then to be shushed that's your birthday life isn't about flying and getting shot down and ruined life is about flying getting shot down life is about learning how to fly again that's what life is Hashem created us to learn how to fly again your birthday wasn't the day you were born your birthday was the day you got shot down he didn't ruin your life that's you you were not finished it's called the mock Ave the last the back of the package is the is the shot that shoots you out of the sky and we spend their whole lives moaning about that it ruined me it didn't ruin you that's where you start all the stuff that happened didn't touch you nothing bad happened you're on script it was supposed to happen the purpose of life is to learn how to fly again when you're lying in a heap on the floor that's where we start and you look at it every morning you remind you this when you look in the mirror you see that lines those lines say you didn't rule me this was here first he was supposed to put his finger here yes good people don't do that Hashem uses will show you to do his dirty work and he's going to get punished for being the guy Hashem uses to do dirty work there's always someone available to shoot people out of Skies but Hashem used him to do what was supposed to happen That was supposed to happen this is the most liberating thought in the world all the things that ruin our lives and say oh my God what happened it's not worth it it's not true it was supposed to happen you are supposed to learn how to fly again and that's the real answer to these questions of all the time Tsar we think that the Tsar is derailing me and I want to know why Hashem derailed me some didn't derail you delayed birthdays it makes sense then then we understand why we're learning Torah before we're learning Tyro all the time we're living in reality all the time but waiting for the final step of creation it's the shush and when the shush comes not always the best matter for it but when whatever it is that shoots you out of the sky that's where we begin and our goal is to learn and it frees you of all of the resentment the resentment is is that what could have been unruned we weren't ruined that was the script this is the this is the real answer to these things it's the most beautiful in the world nicer than the magical one so all all hazards are like this it's just the deepest things in the world to learn hazal like grown-ups and it's just it's just you every time you just fall in love with her more and more and more and not come to your stroke would give us insights and you just create the world he let us understand all of it and it's just it's just every step along the way is more beautiful than one before uh to see to see our lives the way Hashem wants us to see them and to understand that he benched us with with the ability to fly to re-fly in the sky and we should find the class to pick ourselves up and fly and become everything he meant us to be and also whatever it is that we need all right culture