Rabbi Yitzchok Feldheim - Any Questions that Weren’t Answered Yet - Project Inspire Convention 2025

A good to walk. So, what's the first question? What are we starting with? What was the what How do you inspi- How do you inspire your own kids? Amazing. So, the truth is we had one answer in the back before we were talking about the best answer. As they said, turn your house into the into the matzah the party. And then everyone hangs out in your house. And then you you have the most control of your But it's not as good for your kids if Nothing like having a house with a lot of kids hanging out, you know? It's all full of light. And uh It is generally I mean I'm I'm already switching topics, but I just it's worth sharing is this idea that the best decisions we make in life are situations where we put ourselves into situations where we're forced to raise our game. Like it's a simple decision to have an open house. But the second you made that decision it it changes your life. Cuz now you have to have food. Now you can't fight with your wife. You know? Now now you have to You have to You have to You have to keep it happy. You have to have music on. You have to provide an entirely All you said was, "Let's open our house to our kids' friends." And where that takes you is you chose a fork in the road that that changes everything. And the bracha the blessing of good choices is all of the new twists that those choices bring you. And uh you you have no idea where you know people end up with lives that that are so unimaginably beautiful and it comes from the tiniest little choices. You know, the little forks in the road that made all the difference. Like uh I'm not plagiarizing. I'm I'm attributing it to Robert Frost, right? The other answer was good, too. The one that said, "Do as I do, not as I say." By setting an example. You can't Right. Right. Right. All right. Oh, you're saying seriously? Right. There That do That's important. You don't just give 100%. and say, "But I'm going to stay home and watch TV." They're going to watch They'll realize what you watch on TV, but they see you studying Torah. Yeah. But I I have My My My personal answer to the question I would give. I already said Friday night in the question and answer from a different question, but it's worth repeating cuz that's a short It was a It was a paddle. You don't get really to express yourself. You get 2 minutes to answer, even though I like I take advantage I advantage of the 2-minute limit, you know? Um but I It's worth repeating it again is that When my mind goes when someone asks a question like that, how do I inspire my kids? So What do you have to think of to answer questions? You have to think of Well, I can't figure out what the intuition of So I identify what the problems that I'm trying to overcome are. You're asking for a cure. What's the What's the malady that that's the cure of? Right? So, what robs us of of inspiration? Truth be told, I should clarify what Oh, I'm calling it a cure. The natural state of a person is to be fired up and inspired. Right? I say this often. I I I was at a a seminar here in this in this hotel. It wasn't Inspire. It was a spin-off of Inspire. Somebody called Chayim Tuvia. Whatever Chassidus or kiruv weekend, they originally came to Inspire and then they made their own and they're very successful and beautiful. You know, Inspire has nachas from their child programs. So, I spoke for them and they gave me a topic. Um It was called It was Yiddish. It was called Kindling Our Children's Licht. Well, it's only one word was Yiddish, but It's lighting our children's fire. So like I I always have to mess with the titles. Like so I said like like what a terrible title, kindling our children's life. It's not our job to light our children's fire. Children are born lit. That's what a child is. A child is a ball of fire, dreams, longing, life can't go fast enough for them. Our job as parents to make sure no one puts water on their fire. To protect their fire. That's our job. The fire is natural. You don't This It really goes back to Gan Eden. When when Hashem created the world, he created Adam and Eve, he didn't give them any mitzvah. They had one mitzvah. What was their mitzvah? A negative mitzvah. Don't eat from the tree. How does the world become perfect from a thou shalt not mitzvah? It's a fascinating problem. God says perfect the world, and he only says is don't do something. So what's the answer? Only one rational logical answer. Is that naturally left to your own devices, you will perfect the world. All you have to do is is watch out for the things that will deter you. Rob you You are born on fire. I I keep normally get too far off track, but I'm just going to This is informal, so I can just go anywhere. But I'm going to try and get back. But I remember seeing a scene many years ago. It made such an impression on me. There was a father pushing a kid on a swing. And the kid's a little kid, and he was The father was pushing him in the swing. And the kid said to the father, "Daddy, push me too high and too fast." That's what the kid said. Such a deep thing. "Push me too high and too fast." So we can surmise in what the kid said the entire backstory. Right? This kid already learned at a young age. It's a very sad story really. This kid learned at a very young age that what he wants is called too high and too fast. He's already bad. He wants to go high and fast. And the world already taught him the first thing he learned is that his natural inclinations are bad. And the And the kid is undeterred though. He's saying, "I still want it." So, push me too high and too fast. He's already a criminal. He's the youngest criminal. We teach our children that that desire and yearning and fire is bad. You know? And yet it's very subtle. Yet you really I don't you know you don't want to over you don't want to over parent and be too too controlling, but you have to be cognizant of this. Is that children are born on fire. That fire is holy. The good inclination when we say yetzer tov, that's a nice phrase. What does it really mean? It's desire. It's yearning. It's fire. Your yetzer tov is your ambition. Many people think it's the opposite. Many Many people think ambition is the yetzer hara. No, the yetzer tov is your ambition. The yetzer hara is all the fears that say who you fooling, it's never going to happen. Just just just you know, stop dreaming. Sober up. That's the That's the yetzer hara. And to listen to yetzer tov means to fly. So, in Gan Eden, Hashem only gave one law. Is don't run away. Don't cop out. If you don't cop out, you will become everything because you're created with an engine. And therefore a parent's job is to is to make sure that no one extinguishes their kids' fire. That's your job. Not to create fire. So, when we When a parent asks, "What is the important lessons?" The lessons should be is to protect your kids from having a fire extinguished. These are the important lessons. The the guardian. You don't have to do anything to light them. If if if their their fire is kept dry, you just watch and the most amazing things will happen. So, what are the best advices for that? That's That's how That's my process. I say the question, what are the What are the problems that I'm trying to cure? The problem is having fire extinguished. What extinguishes fire? Can we identify those things? What? School. Some people like school. Well, some people love school. What is it What's the school could be an amazing experience? Could be like it. What What is the danger in school? What is the risk in school? You're not Cuz if it's if it's straight-up school, then your job is is create truants, right? That's how Right? So, we have to zoom in on the problematic parts of school. Can we Can we send my kid to school that he can learn and thrive and avoid Competition. That's a fascinating answer. See, I would say the competition is part of the eight sort of Competition is part of ambition. And it's very hard to reframe this. We've learned to associate these things with negativity. Competition is holy. Yeah. Maybe one word. Smothering. Everything else Uh smothering That's nice. Fire gets such a powerful answer. You don't let the kids speak Good. Let's So, so let's figure out why the parents You smother it. That's what kills fire and that's what kills it. Can I tell you a Torah? I just I remember this. You just reminded me of a Torah I heard from Rav Shimon Schwab many, many years ago on the parsha of Mishpatim 2 weeks ago. The parsha says two laws of parents. Don't hit your parents. Don't curse your parents. Two psukim separated by one pasuk which is it don't kidnap. Why is the law of kidnapping in between the two laws of lashing out at parents? Interesting question. So, Rabbi said, because children lash out at their parents when their parents are kidnappers. Meaning their parents The real culprit Most kidnapping is not when somebody else comes into your home and takes the kid. Parents are the kidnappers of their own children. Smothering them, emasculating them. There's a million ways that we can we can disable our children. And that's why it's beautiful thought. It's So, smothering is a good What What is smothering really? Smothering is is It's very deep the word smother. Smothering is a way to get rid of a fire. How do you get rid of a fire is you smother it. Yeah, right. That's what you should do. Two ways. One is being being too strict, and the other is being giving too much love. Letting them just, you know, do what do whatever they want. Right. Right. So, you have to let people let fire breathe. The rule of fire is it has to have has to breathe. Right? If you let the air in, it's a very powerful rule. Okay? So, don't smother them. That's one good idea, which is maybe the most important thing to say, because the most dangerous things are the things that look good, that you assume are the right things to do. You know, I don't have to focus on the things that are obviously bad. You know, don't get your kids a smartphone when they're before they have any self-control. You know, that's that should be an obvious rule. Unfortunately, it's not, but that that should that should be a no-brainer. But, but um I think the first thing we give our kids are iPads. That's like the first thing, you know? Except from kids get their ears pierced, and then they get their iPad. Right? Like like Is that true? Like the I but because I just went to meet my new granddaughter. Ears up ears. Yeah, yeah. That's right. It's the same thing. I want you to know the same way we do the girls always come first. The boy's bar mitzvah when he's 13, the girl when she's 12. The boy gets a bris when he's eight. She has to get her ear pierced ears pierced before that. For eight I eight days of four eight days within the first seven days the ears got to get pierced cuz girls got to go first. So it's a mitzvah. But um So what we say smothering what were we saying? We're saying What we lost the train of thought. What was the That was somewhat specific in this smothering. What were we saying? You're not letting them do something their way. Oh what what what what I'm going You do too much of it you're you're you're uh yeah oh that's why that's why it's worth saying like Oh I know you don't have to give so much the top few issues and things you should tell parents on the list of top 10 shouldn't be the obvious things. They'll figure it out. It should be the things that that everyone assumes are good. Smothering is up there right because you think you think you can't love too much. You think you can't Because it because it's it's because it because it it robs people of their of of initiative of their feeling of power. You have you if you in order to be great you have to find your strength. You become a man you lose your you becomes emasculating. You you lose your your a kid a kid needs to feel like a hero. To be It's nice to be saved. Cooler than being saved is to be the saver. You know that you have to people love to you you want to feel your purpose in the world. When when a mother is is is giving to her kid, she's fulfilling her purpose. But at the at the expense of the kid finding his purpose. My purpose of life is not to be a victim saved. I'm supposed to be a saver. So I'm waiting. Your job is to make your kid into a nurturer. So you need to be a role model of nurturing. They have to have seen where it is, but you have to know when to stop. When to let your because you to to learn how to receive and how to get is not a hard skill set. You know, it's a pretty easy skill set. You know, you don't get credit for teaching your kid to accept gifts, you know? What you have to teach is how to be a giver. So when you overplay your hand of giving, you it starts to become negative. Um So it it it's I have to I did I was going to go somewhere else. So you got to wake up over here. I need like a little coffee. It's No, I I thought of something along the same lines that I thought was a I wanted to say. Okay, we'll keep on talking. It'll come back. Anything worth saying comes back. What else? So what what I said the first probably the thing I said Friday night that I think is worth repeating is that I think the thing that robs us most of our drive and initiative is fear. Is fear. Um Everybody has dreams. Why isn't everybody chasing their dreams? Because I'm afraid I'm going to fall on my face and get hurt. It's it's so much easier to not it's safer. Safety. The In a way, I It's not going to be in any dictionary like this, but I would say the opposite of ambition is safety. You know, cuz it's not literally the opposite, but if I give you two choices, your two choices are to try and be powerful, to be ambitious, or to play it safe. That's the alternative path. Don't take risk. Avoid risk. So, what makes someone choose safe So, your child's choice is safety versus ambition. You know, the best place to see it is the You have a boy who's growing up in the first thunderstorm. So, half of you want to run into mommy and daddy's room and feel safe. And then already the other half is I want to be a boy. I'm a man. You got to got to It's a very powerful moment for the kid, you know? And do I This desire Do I want to be safe or do I want to be powerful? And if if you too many times run to safety, you start to you start to lose your self-respect and the belief in yourself as a hero. Sometimes parents have parents want to be there. Come come in our room. You're scared. Sometimes you have to be able to tell the kid is you got this. I'm right next door. Like, you know? And uh Listen. I don't want to make it sound like parenting is like so scary. Oh my god, I can mess up in 2 seconds. I can ruin my kid. Things happen very slowly. You get 30 chances before you messed up and it makes an impression. It's not like anything Everything you do as a parent is disappearing. You know, you have to like You'll get a lot of chances. It should You shouldn't be scared that you're going to do permanent damage. You get retests. Life The education of life goes very slow and it's only when things happen a few times that it makes a real impression. So, I don't want you to feel like this heavy weight of Oh my god, I never thought of that. I want my kids to come to my room. And then Oh, you you said they should come to the room. I said they should stay. and they're going to have a fight. Nothing nothing that dramatic. Of course there are things that are hugely dramatic and ruin someone's life in 5 minutes. But the the normal things in someone's life don't don't happen in a minute. Yes, that's what I that's where I want to go. The fear of failure is the opposite of ambition and therefore Right. And therefore the number one job of a parent is So that's what I'm I'm I'm we're reverse engineering your question. We're saying that we want kids to continue being on fire. What robs them on fire? The number one thing is the fear of failure. So how do I get rid of that? So you're never going to be able to teach your kid that failure is not an option. That's not the way to cure fear of failure. It's you're going to succeed. You got this. That's not the answer. The answer has to be that don't worry about failure. Failure is nothing to be scared of. And that's not an intuitive lesson that parents intuitively understand. We don't we normally don't learn that until we failed and gotten hurt and then we in in a recovery from failure we come to these recognitions. Going in to identify that for parents that maybe your primary job is teaching kids that failure is nothing to be scared of is amazing. And and the best way to do anything they call it playing with house money. You know What does that mean? You want to fight a war. The best place to fight a war is on enemy territory. So when you lose you're just off their land. To fight on your own territory everything's your land. So it's good to fight things in the buffer zone out of your ear. Play with house money. This way you lose you're not losing your money. You're losing you're You're losing your Karen. You're losing the So, what is that in this case? So, we'll start a new question soon for those who are coming in, but this is a little little long-winded. But Okay, but See see see I I would argue I would tell you that confidence I would tell you that confidence is natural. The kid starts off confident. Kids Kids start off thinking they're invincible, not only confident. The way you have to preserve confidence. You're talking about after a kid already has been knocked down and wavering. The question could we prevent that? Confidence is the hallmark of childhood. You Most of the parents' job in the beginning is your You think so? I don't know. I Listen. There may be degrees. You know, but let let me get back on track. If we If we If we have the luxury, we'll come back to confidence. I just want to finish this thought. The thought that what that I wanted to expand on is is that the primary role therefore of a parent is to help their kid not be afraid of failure. I said, "How do you do that?" I was saying play with house money. What is that? Is Is to set higher sights. Don't try and tell your kid that failure is acceptable. Though is like Okay, you can do you can make it. You have to show them like that it's exciting. I got I'm not going to explain it without telling you this. So, I'll give you the I'll give you them the the story, and then you'll hear it. The story I told Friday night is I was coming to Project Inspire. I was on the way here. We were driving here and with my kids and I had a early slot, a Friday afternoon slot, not not a Shabbos slot. So, those slots before Shabbos and I was stuck in terrible traffic and I was going to miss it. And my kids knew this is a very important thing. You're coming to inspire for the weekend. It's a It's not, you know, it's not a I give a lot of speeches, but this is a big speech. People pay a lot of money to come here to hear for Shabbos and you don't want to ruin it. The first year they're going to miss. It's a You feel like there's a lot There's a lot of weight on it. And my inclination was to be a total nervous wreck. I was like like I was I'm not up like the muttering at the other car stage, but I was and then I realized that this is an unbelievable opportunity because my kids know how important this is to me. They know how important it is. It's blowing up in my face. It's not working and if if I could teach them at this This moment is worth its weight in gold because if I could teach my kids at this moment that I'm calm and we got this. It's all going to be good. This is This is what they'll remember forever. And I was in the car and I figured how could I My My inclination was is to like be a nervous wreck and like talk to the traffic and uh say, "Oy vey, what are we going to do?" They knew how important it was. I didn't have to say it. I said, "It's really crazy like I'm going to I was like I'm going to miss my class. I'm so excited to see what Hashem had in mind. Like why do I have to miss this? Who are they going to put in instead of me? Maybe there was someone there who needed to hear something and they needed to hear what the other guy had. We're going to get there. Make sure when we get there we go see who's talking during my class and listen to what he said. I want to know why Hashem made this happen. This is amazing. Let's go see. And what did my kids hear there? The The I could have told them a thousand, "Don't be scared. Everything's going to be good." And how many years would it take for that lesson, those words to even go in? Kids really hear us. But here they were nervous for me. We're all know. And I and I said to them, I said, "We got this. Let's see what happens." I made it exciting. I made it like this is I can't we're on an adventure. Let's see. We had a crazy plan. It was going to be exciting. And Hashem just changed the plans. He must have a better plan. And that lesson is is so much more real to them because it was real. I say the greatest gifts of parenting are crises. In crises, you get accelerated parenting. You have the chance to teach kids things that would take 30 years, and you can do it in 1 minute cuz they see your eyes. And then when they for the rest of their lives, they are going to hit many situations where things that they wanted are blowing up. And what did they learn? Can't wait to see what's going to happen. I can't wait to see why Hashem's plan is better than mine. If I So if I had to give one idea of parenting, this is the idea. Is when the going gets tough, that is the moment that parents were were dreaming from. You should almost almost pray for crises so that you get you get accelerated parenting. You get like real-level parenting. It's like permanent. And and and and then do it. Do this to your kids. Cuz you Then what you're doing is you're giving the your kids the chance, the ability to overcome the thing that is most likely to deter them in life. Which is the fear of failure and the fear of things blowing up. And you inoculate This is inoculating your kids to the fear of failure. Not by knocking the fear to making the fear the fear of failure an exciting trip. That's what I mean house money. It's You're not trying to survive. You're making it better. It's a It's It's a gift. I have I'm creative. I have a good script. Hashem is much better at writing than me. Let's see what his script was. That's the attitude. Who's a better writer, me or God? Who has a better imagination? Me or God? We thought we had a good trip planned. Let's see what Hashem planned for us. It's a very easy thing to do as long as you you have it on your mind, you know, and truth is, forget parenting. You could got a parent ourselves. If you can do If we can do this for ourselves, it's life-changing. You're never too late to re-parent yourself. The next crisis you're in, you We once were going away for Shabbos and we were never going to get to where we go. It was shkiya. You know? And uh I had to pull over somewhere and I said, "This is one of the best adventures. Let's see what our Shabbos is going to be. We're going to have the most amazing Shabbos." Like we're going to find the crazy place to daven and that's what happened. We ended up at Wall Street Synagogue. And we were talking about for years how the chazzan was wearing a baseball cap. We never saw that when we were growing up, you know? Like lifetime stories. They stayed in the Vista International Hotel down by the World Trade You know, that was Whatever because the the Brooklyn-Battery Tunnel was backed up and we couldn't make it to Brooklyn and and uh we parked right by the tunnel went to the Vista International and had a crazy crazy Shabbos. And how how many Shabboses do we have do we have as children? We remember the messed up ones better if if you made it exciting. So, that's my my my uh my single If I had to pick one parenting advice is inoculate your kids to the fear of disaster or failure by showing them that it's failure is Hashem's The end of the story was I got the Project Inspire. And my kids I I said I'm going to park the car. You go run in the room and I want listen to what they're saying. And and uh and tell me tell me what they're saying cuz I'm going to miss it. I have to park the car and bring the bags in. Cuz it was almost shkiya. Like it was almost candle lighting like whatever I think already. So, it was like the last class. So, I come in and my kids are looking at me all nervous. Nobody was giving my class. It was a half an hour late. Everyone was sitting in the room. I said, "Oops." They look at me like, "What the?" I said to come back and go, "You know what it is?" I told everyone in the class I had a class prepared. And I was going to give it. And then this is my thought process with my kids in the car. We came here. You know what the And no one speak. You know what the answer must be? Is that what I needed to tell you was this new thing I learned on the way here. And I told them this class. I said, "This is what Hashem wanted me to tell you. This is why I had to be late. So I have would have this kodesh and you're the first people to have it." And that became my sheer. I told my kids afterwards, "Is that Is that amazing?" That That Hashem made me travel because he I was going to give some weird random sheer on Chavis. Instead I gave him a sheer that that that all their children will will benefit from for the rest of their lives. And that was uh That that type It's a It's a different way to reframe how we look at life and the difficulties of life is to is to see it as let Hashem write the script as opposed to me. Okay. Next question. It was quiet. Anybody up this late? It's uh on? Ask questions. Yeah. Let the Let your rabbis and go first though, okay? No, it's it's more like I came late. So what were some of the things that were asked? Oh, we only had one question The whole thing was one question the whole time. And it was um uh as a parent parenting advice, what's the most important things I think uh to To inspire your child. Inspire your child. Do whatever uh Number one We can generic the number one parenting advice. No, that's the most important question. Don't take away What What questions do you have more important than parenting in your life? You want to come babysit my kid next week? What do you What do you What What What you got in your fridge? What? Meatballs. That's the question. That's the question I had. Yeah. What is a meatball? The whole time you tell me, what is a meatball? Listen, listen, listen. You Canadians, that's not where you start. Yeah, jumping in the deep end of the pool. First, ask what it is to walk outside without a mask on. Okay? Okay? Then we'll work our way up to meatballs. I'm saying, you know, the Canadians are still COVIDing, probably. Uh My My My My My son married a girl from Canada during COVID. And in New York, we do weddings, you know, we were like uh And my daughter's My son's wedding. I had a nice new suit and a new hat. And my father My The girl's father, an otherwise normal guy, regular guy. I mean, this is going to be on tape. Oh, you're right. He He says to me, "We're We're walking him down." Like it's There's a There's a photo ops. And he goes, "Can you please put a mask on?" I said, "The chuppah?" He goes, "Yeah, put a mask on." And I said, like, "You know what? I'm going I'm going to mess up my son's son's shalom bayit before it even started, you know?" And I I put the mask on like a good little boy. Comes to the chuppah. Under the chuppah, I'm standing there. I took it off. He looks at me. He goes, "Could you put the mask back on?" Wait a minute. When was the during COVID? Like during the height of COVID? I don't know the height. COVID was a few long time. Yeah. They were able to leave Canada and come to the wedding. So, it couldn't be the height. Like it would The wedding was delayed until they could come in. So, it wasn't the height. My son's married only Yeah, it was the end of COVID. So, they only married uh Not every Canadian 2 years. What? Not every Canadian So, but I'm saying, but you know why it I I was I judged I judged him favorably that you know what it was? He's a very normal guy. It's that he probably couldn't show his face in shul if they saw pictures of the wedding and the father-in-law wasn't wearing and his machuten wasn't wearing is like you married crazy New Yorkers. That's how I'm sure there's a different explanation, but that's how I read it. I judged him favorably I say, you don't understand the pressure of of of Canadians are responsible. You know, they're responsible and they're and they're so I'm the we're the crazy ones for living loose and what? Is he Is he Is he a New Yorker? Is he a New Yorker? Uh no, not New York. He's American, but Okay. Cleveland. Cleveland. Cleveland. What Wait, so what was that So what was that a meat board? I'm saying a meat board. Is a meat board is It's It's a a meat board is a symbol of of modern bourgeois bougie Jewish Jew Jewish um consu- What do they call it? Conspicuous consumption. I'm thinking you're talking about like a cutting board that you use for It is. It is. It is. It's a cutting board. It's It's a hundred It's a hundred-dollar cutting board that becomes disposable. It is just used to serve an extravagant selection of dried meats by kiddushes and everyone competes who can spend more thousands of dollars on one-time meat boards. And the bigger you come back from kiddush and you everybody wants to know how big was the meat board. Yes. I always raise my hand cuz I'm a good boy just like you put the mask on everybody. Um here's the shaila. You talked about Hashem before in your hashgacha that your speech coming from the project Inspire. What was Hashem's purpose for us when when people had to wear masks for 5 minutes, why did Hashem put masks on us all? What What do you kind of COVID was? You mean why was there COVID? Because Hashem Go go go go go go go. Josie, come up. Let's go. Let's do this. was trying to give us a big message and we didn't pay attention, so he brought Gaza instead. Made it stronger. We didn't pay attention, so So Josie's She just saved you an hour. Josie's spitting fire. This is uh That's an American expression for saying the truth. I don't know if he was saying I say that all the time. We don't take the message. When COVID started, I was so excited. I thought Hashem is sending Messiah is coming. Messiah is coming now because of this is what Hashem is doing to us. He's sending us in a nice way cuz the Messiah has to come in two different ways. This is the nice way. This is the gentle way. We have to stay in our houses, whatever, and we didn't pay attention. Beautiful. Josie, you're fully baked. You're You're done. You're You're uh You take it out of the oven. It's all It's don't get a And I was wrong and it didn't happen then. What happened? October 7th. In a bad way. Wow. Wow. And yet Messiah still isn't here. We still haven't learned yet. Wow. How's that? What do you say? I don't need a beer. That wasn't the question I was going to ask. Well, what's your question? What was my question? Oh yeah, what are you talking about sports? Playing sports or watching sports? Playing or watching? What's What's the question? I don't have a problem with playing. Playing is what you should do. It's the watching and all the garbage. I'm Following it and this and that. Listen. First of all, Ask of all, playing is the most very important. That's not Following the dress of society, you know. No, I listen. No, I think I think I think It's a good question, right? We want to teach our kids to be productive. Getting them into sports is a good thing. I think it's a very good thing. I think but it let me put it in context. Why is it a good thing? Because You have to know what the options of life are today. What what what every generation has its own challenges. The challenge of this generation is I use I use It's weird how almost every sheer comes to the same line I'm going to say. It's This is I guess it makes sense cuz every sheer I'm giving is about Judaism today. So, I have to describe the malady of the day. The malady of today is one word. You know what the word is? Whatever. Whatever is the mantra of this generation. I ate uh What? Whatever. Like the another way to say this when we're young, we're all wide-eyed. And then when you become a teenager, you learn how to do the eye roll. You know? The eye roll. The eye roll is visual whatever. And that is the the superpower of the next generation is eye rolling. Like nobody can do a more deflating eye roll than the next generation, you know? And and with the or the what whatever, you know, like That's the problem. If that's the problem, so then the bar of conquering the problem of the generation is any You know what? Let me make it into a forum talk. Okay? Forum. The problem It's weird. I just said it today. But it's not really today. Cuz the the protagonist, that's the negative bad guy in the Purim story. I don't want to misuse words. What? Okay, it's the good guy, the protagonist. So who's the So who's the bad one? The the antagonist? Yeah? So I didn't I didn't mean protagonist. I mean there's another word, the Whatever it is, the villain. But there's no Whatever. Put Haman's the bad guy. Haman is Amalek. What is the mantra of Amalek? Whatever. Amalek is mikra asher korcha baderech, who randomly happened upon you on the road. Happenstance. The way Amalek wages war is to draw lots. Which is like whatever. Lots means there is it's just random. Right? Random is the is random random. That's like a synonym of whatever. Like almost. I'm sure there's nuance and I'm like you're probably laughing and saying he thinks random is whatever. It's two totally different insults. Like uh you know? But Amalek really is the disseminator of the idea of whatever. And that's the word Purim. So what is the victory of Purim? What is the answer to whatever? I have one word that is the best answer to whatever. If whatever is what your kids are up against, or what yourself are up against, so what is the antidote to whatever? We say on Purim la Yehudim hayesa oirah vesimcha vesason veyikar. Many levels of greatness. The last one is veyikar. We know what the other ones are. Oirah is light to the Jews. There was oirah, light, simcha, joy, sason, jubilation, rejoicing, whatever. So veyikar. The word veyikar is the same word as mikra. Right? Uh the If those who know in Vayikra, it's the same thing, right? Vayikra and Vayakara, the small aleph, they talk about it. Is it a calling or is it random? Happenstance and a calling is the same word. Random, whatever. What does yakar mean? Precious. Valuable. Jewels are yokermi yakarim. They're They're va- To To teach children that everything is valuable is the opposite of of randomness. It That That's That's Purim is about mikra and our thing is mikra. Things are so valuable, so precious. Things belong in a velvet box. Things bel- Wide-eyed versus eye rolls. Let's get back on track. Where were What What was What What was the original What were we What were we saying? What? Sports. So, sports is if the problem of the generation is whatever, sports is the gateway to caring, to investment, to having you becoming It's the door into that emotional roller coaster of of your team being making it, not making it to the playoffs. When a kid sits on the edge of his seat, his team finally made it to the playoffs, and and the heartbrokenness of his team being eliminated, or the joy of making it, what you're watching is is someone who conquered whatever and entered the world of risk, where even though it's artificial, but it's the training and the the developing the taste buds for the willingness to invest in something, even though it takes me on an emotional roller coaster. Sports is a very, very good tool because it is a It's a very enticing way and a very popu- It's very hard to do things solo. To go to swim upstream solo. So you you want to tell your kids you I know your friends say whatever. We say everything's important. Invest yourself. It's a nice parenting schmooze. It's not going to happen. Sports is a gift. Sports is a way to get your kids into caring and everyone's on their team. It's almost like natural. And before they know it, they're an invested person and they've experienced roller coasters. And it it's I I I would say that's that you know, we talk a lot about gateway drugs, gateway sins, things that are doors into the dark places. There are gateway mitzvahs. There are gateway positive experiences. There are things that you do that are simple that bring you into in a great world. Sports is a gateway to greatness. Because greatness is investment. And the easiest way to teach a kid investment is to get him into his local team sports cuz their gravity and the group and peer pressure is on the side of holiness, of investment. That's what I would argue. And I'm very pro As a little kid, some of my best memories my father was a big Rangers fan. And uh We used to go to the garden and uh we always lost. That's also important. It's good to root for a team that's not so good. You get heart. I know my school at my school all the Mets fans ended up far more firm than the Yankee fans. It's interesting. They were all like clay kodesh. They're all running moistures. Because they they learned they learned how to be invested even though it's rocky. This is the coolest This is the coolest advice any rabbi will give. I'm very proud of this now. I never said this before. Get your kids into sports and choose loser teams. Okay? You heard it here. You heard it here. Is that amazing advice? Yeah. Totally time. Okay. What? Uh Any other questions? Yes. What's like an appropriate balance and also like what's a good check-in like if we're let's say like it's kind of like you know what I'm thinking like saying like what's going on in your life like what's an appropriate balance between like caring so much and thinking about it all the time and then like also like okay I'm living out my life and doing what I have to do putting it aside. What's an appropriate balance and what's a good way to check in and know Wow. You hear the question? I'll repeat the question just to make sure that I'm making pretend I'm like repeating it I'm just making sure I got it right. So um is the question is is like when you have something very very heavy like what's going on in Israel so part we so part of us assumes that the the the the moral thing the from thing is to take it in and and change your life. You can't live normally in times of such drama and such heaviness. On the other hand you need to go on with life and you need to do your thing and what's the proper balance of of of absorbing and responding to the the crisis is and and and unique opportunities and the balance of getting back to your regular your regular program thing and how much how much do I allow myself to be derailed? It's not a simple thing. So my inclination is is to answer It's my inclination. I'm I'm saying it should probably should be controlled, but a very easy way to answer the question would be is is when crisis is happy, it's not called being derailed. It's Hashem is is telling you It's It's not back to our is is deal with this and then back to our original scheduled program. What Hashem is saying that this is where I want to redirect you. And there is This is the regular. And you're following Hashem's script is if you're growing up and you're you're you're you're you're you're living in a time when things happen, the place you're supposed to be is is in a response to your days, your time, not a different time. That wasn't when you were born and and and whatever you thought your plan was, you might have been wrong because Hashem created a new state of affairs, and uh And and we have to adapt. The world will never be the same. The world should never be the same again. You know, that's that's that's an easy answer. And I just don't think it's fair, you know, it's it's It's a little You know, I can't I can't talk for God, but Hashem is reasonable. He doesn't He makes demands on us that are reasonable. And to expect that people should be able to totally alter their life's paths based on things that happen is I think it doesn't match with what I've learned about Hashem's ratzon for us. Hashem wants us to make small changes. He wants us to be Give you an example. Cuz I'm saying I'm sounding too philosophical. I want to make it more real. In Kiev, I always made sure that when I send kids to Eretz Yisrael, students, I I I made sure I even offered them I know you're tight on money, you don't want to pay for a carry-on or an extra bag. I want you to bring your guitar with you. You cuz a lot of people go to Yeshiva and they think they have to leave their whole life behind. No, you play guitar. And you put a lot of skill into it. You develop a lot of skill and you invested a lot in it. Going to Yeshiva shouldn't be a disavowal of your whole past. And everyone has that thought, I want to start new and you're And they need to be encouraged, especially when they have to spend $70 for extra luggage to bring their guitar. So then you have your your money-saving thing on the side of whatever voice it is, don't take it. So I I've told students, I want to pay for you to take your guitar with you. Cuz they make sure they take it. It's very important that we don't disconnect from our previous experiences and who we are. You know, most of our previous miss are not bad. We might have things in our life that we have to change, but it doesn't mean your whole life deserves to be thrown out. So based on that attitude, I I think when things like like like like this happen the whole Gaza, of course we're supposed to change some of it. But your previously scheduled life is still your life. Like your question is legitimate. My inclination to say is, no, Hashem is telling you you can never be the same again, you know. It's possible they both coexist. I'll never be the same again. I'll be more I'll be more deeper, but I have to get back to my life with the new awarenesses that I have. Like you don't want to give away your guitar. Whatever that represents in this. So your question is very legitimate. What is the what what is the ratio? What is the Again, I'm much better Well, yes, please. So obviously we have to go on with our lives, whether you're a parent or a child or a student, or you have a job, regardless of what's happening, you have to go on with your life. But, your davening can change. You can take on something as a plus for whatever crisis is happening, and you can make little changes that will increase your awareness. You know, people started giving to Helen groups for the soldiers and for the the the hostages. I think I think it's a beautiful answer. I think My inclination is to to do a little is is is less compartmentalization. Again, I'm much better at philosophy than reality. So, these are like real questions. Like But, my inclination is is is is to is to make davening more and do more to Helen is It's not the message so much. It's It's is I don't have to change my life. I can have the same life, just be better at it. Not to compartmentalize. How can I enhance my life, my scheduled life? But, I'm saying the taking on is separate. How do I become a better student? How do I become a better boss? How do I become a better employee? How do I become a nicer coworker? How do I become more sensitive to people's You know, you want to get poetic is is you know, on Pesach we talk like this is everyone's everyone's a hostage. Everyone's imprisoned by something and and uh I guess like over dramatic, but like but but you know, in the way it's a good way to think. Like Hashem gives us things like center screen, big and large, but we're supposed to wonder, where does that exist in my life? Like when I talk on Pesach, I say, "Who's your paro?" Find your Moshe to help you escape your paro. What's enslaving you? You know? What underground cave What parts of me are in underground cave that I don't let see the light? And how do I You know, these are dramatic things to say. It's harder to say what does that mean in English, you know? But More in real life. Right, but everybody knows their own things. You know which parts of you you have tied up underground. And and you know, then you figure out how do you get them out, you know? I just wanted to go back to what you said about sports. Yeah. So I don't want to take offense to you. You're You're a lot older than me and you're a lot more skilled at this and you've been doing this for a long time, but you have a son that was unusually good in sports. When he was 2 years old, the pediatrician told me that if he wasn't Jewish, he'd probably make it to the major leagues. You've never seen a Jewish kid do these kind of moves. And he got older, obviously he's good at it, right? Cuz he was cheating at cards. But then when I spoke to the Rebbe because it became a whole thing. I said, "Do you want him to play cards or or someone follow it?" You know, so he said he could be complaining sports. They didn't believe They They were very against him following it and getting very into it. Okay, listen. So let let let me say So So It's one thing The The video is not hearing it. So I'm going to repeat your question for the camera. Just cuz they I I mean, people always tell me that they watch it and they they don't they don't know what's going on. They hear the question. So I'm repeating it for the camera. Is that She's going back This woman is going back to the previous sports question. And she's saying that She had a son who was very talented in sports and but the Rebbe gave gave the opposite advice that he shouldn't be too into sports and uh They haven't He was Jewish. They played ball. They played ball. I We separated in the answer between playing sports and and following sports. Right. So I I I don't argue with you. I remember So, let me tell you, that's that's not 100% true because the Russian Yeshiva weren't doing it. The chazzan Yom Kippur wasn't checking it, and he was also into sports when he was younger. So, not everybody was into sports was checking it cuz everybody in America in those days was into sports. And to reconcile what you're saying, what your experience was, and what I'm saying is is I I I was careful to say sports was a gateway to investment. It's not the final destination. What starts with sports, what What are we trying? We're trying to overcome the temptation to say whatever. Investing in sports, caring about it becomes an a most There's a reason why people leave on Yom Kippur to go find the scores cuz they care. Caring is already a defeat of the whatever apathy. But, what caring is supposed to lead you to are deeper things than sports. You know, the best example of apathy versus caring is is, you know, you know, getting married, having kids. So much easier not to get married. You know, there's no drama. There's Marriage is amazing, but it's also painful. Having children, you ask anyone in the world, the greatest pleasure in life is their kids. The greatest pain in life is their kids. So, the choice to have kids is to choose risk. To not have kids is the safe choice. That's what we want. But, the way you get someone to make the hard choices, to have kids, knowing all the things, to To shidduch, knowing all the possible pain, is to to teach them first to trade safety for risk. That risk is more valuable than safety. The gateway to embracing risk over safety are things like sports, cuz it's easy. Everyone's doing it. There's no friction. No one's fighting me on it. And then once you care about sports, you've discovered that I I cared, and I got hurt sometimes, and it was worth it. And it's okay. And now you're already an investor as opposed to a bystander. And now you become you People will start to invest in small little stocks. And as you go If you're 10 years later, you're still investing in little things, then you you didn't really get into it. You're not supposed to So, sports is the thing that gets you into shidduchim. And shidduchim gets you into children. And people start businesses. And some people are afraid to start businesses. What? Taking risk. I'm saying a lot of people You have to say that a lot of people don't have risk. The typical person today in America doesn't want to have kids. It's too disruptive. It's too risky. So much can go wrong. What? I If you Everyone has risk. I'm giving you a mashal. Typical American, the point is is that what would have been a good cure for these people is is, you know, these If these peop- If these people would have rooted for the Mets, they probably would have had kids. They would have experienced risk and heartbreak, and understood the bittersweet experiences of waiting for things, and have to wait a whole 'nother year for something good to happen. And by the time they're grown-ups, they're very comfortable with investment in things that will cause them pain. Instead, what happens is people play safe their whole lives. And they learn They say whatever. They're afraid to invest in anything. They're And in Many kids today are in the sports. Cuz it's it's it's it's an onto anything. Cuz if I care about something, I could be hurt by it. So that time it comes to the big decisions, they're crippled. You have to start teaching people investment early. And that's what was my point. My point is that reading the landscape in the real world, the landscape is the the the the the the the the obsta- the struggle for kids in this world is taking risk. You know you know what coolness is? Every kid wants to be cool. Cool. Can anyone Anyone know the recipe of being cool? Define coolness. It's a boy thing. Most everyone here has girls. But most boys would give their kidney to be cool. You know the You know the secret of coolness is? Secret of coolness is don't care about anything. If you don't care anything, then nobody can hurt you. Good. What? I don't care about anything. I care about you. That's why you're not That's why you're Yeah, you're you're my kryptonite. But I was saying, like the secret of being cool is not to care. You see, if I don't care about anything, nobody can hurt me. If I care about anything, I could be hurt. I could say, "I read the most amazing book." And then somebody will say, "That book's amazing? It's like so childish. I read it in fourth grade." And now you're shamed. So you learn, "Okay, even books I can't like." You know? So people coolness is This is This is a real thing in the real world. You know, the real thing? People in our daughter It's it's it's it's a relatively new thing. Cuz this is only These are like These are the challenges of living in an amazing world. If you When we people were farmers, they didn't have the option of chilling. You know? If you chill, you starve. You couldn't say whatever. Someone's got to like milk the cow. Someone's got to go plow the field. Otherwise, there's nothing. Once you end up in the world where everything's a gift and everything is easy, so now you have leisure. And now I can choose to be into things or not. You know? There was no There was no such thing as a snooze button in the 1800s. Not just tech not technologically. They They didn't They It wasn't The sun is up. There's not enough time already to do what we need to do. You know? So the problem of the modern diaries is in luxury. We can check out. And then if you could check out, you realize there's a great appeal to checking out. And if I check out, I can't get hurt. If You can't You have You know the expression, "You can't fire me, I quit." If you don't have a job, you can't get fired. If you're lying flat on the floor, you can't fall. If you don't go into shidduchim, you can't be rejected. You don't apply to that sem, that school, you can't be not accepted. So it it It's a real option to just not be involved. So if you want to teach your kids how to You have to be smart. You have to be righteous and loyal. You have to know that these are the challenges your next door will face even worse than our door will. And therefore you have to figure out how you're going to teach your kids to take risks and to be invest themselves and not say, "Who cares?" And look for things that they can care about. You And the best things are things that are going to hurt them. Cuz then they learn that they could be hurt and I I survived and this next year These are builds count I'm not joking when I said all my friends who were Mets fans became became I going through I never thought of it before. It just came to me in this thing cuz someone else said Mets. No, it's about teams that lose. I know that's it. In New York, the Yankees were winners. There's something called the winner picker. You know what a winner picker is? A winner picker is the kids who always root for the teams that win. That's the same thing as not being into sports. It's easy. The people who root If you could teach your kid to root for the loser team, you're giving him skills that will make him a rashiva one day. Cuz he he will work. He'll open a moisad. He'll open He'll open a moisad knowing he's going to have to raise money for salaries and no one's going to give him money. He has no fear being in the hole, no fear cuz he's done it as a kid already. Sounds gimmicky, but I like The more I say it, the more I like it. Okay. Be a I'm a Yankee fan, but be a Mets fan. What? I hear. I hear. But maybe it was like 1969 when the Mets were good. Yes. Oh, that kind of kabbalah, okay. I thought you meant like you're going to You want me to make a make make a golem over here. I don't do that on tape. I only do that like uh You took on a kabbalah? What do you feel? What do you mean? What's the What's What what you wanted it not to work? Like what's what's the problem? You No, Hashem loves you. Isn't that a cool thing to feel? Hashem's proud of you. Do what whatever. What do you Hello. Someone tells you I'm so proud of you. You're amazing. So now you just hang out with them more. That's what you do. You go talk to him more. You know, the Gemara says the Ish says a beautiful thing. The Gemara discusses what's called an orech tov. A good guest and a bad guest. A good guest A bad A bad guest is the guest who they invite you into your house and you come and you say listen they're cooking for their family already so they add a little bit for me or whatever there's always leftovers I'm sure it wasn't a big deal. A good guest and immediately goes like You did this for me? Like like like to make like It was was so hard like what did you do like like like you can't do this every Shabbos cuz I'm coming right like you guys it's amazing like then he the good guest sees the appreciates everything he notices every subtlety. So the Israelite says amazing he says what happens when you're when you you have a good guest. When there's good guest you know what you do for a good guest? What do you do for a good guest? You have a guest who you come and they eat the soup and they go What did you put in there? Did you put this? And then the wife goes Almost. And he goes All right that's what it is you go and like everyone's so happy you're happy he noticed it and so and then there comes the fish and you go this isn't regular gefilte fish you you you you mix something in it you go right yeah what and then the meat. See you know what happens when that every time that person comes to your house for Shabbos? You cook four extra things cuz they notice everything. When you have a good guest someone who nothing is lost on them who appreciates everything you constantly want to invite them you want to start cooking Wednesday instead of Thursday and you want to make extra things cuz it's not lost on them. So if you are a good guest to the Rebbe and his child and he he does things for you and you ask and and and and you you feel like he he he gets it he so then they keep on inviting you you know you you you you you want to you keep on you can ask him more stuff it's an amazing experience you had you know? So uh you know go back for Shabbos get re-invited the and keep on the most important meter in the world is gratitude. And not gratitude in the way people think is be humble and appreciative. You need someone, you can't do it alone. Gratitude is is wow, look what I have. The sign of gratitude is not like a head hung humble. The posture of gratitude is like like beaming, like I'm the best life. Gratitude is the the riot that you have gratitude is joy. Means that I got it. It's not lost on me. Like what a My life is so such a brocha. You know? So you think you have a secret potion. You know, uh Your question should be do I share it or do I keep it all to myself? That should be your question, you know? It's endless pot. It's endless pot, you know? After you can share it with everybody, you tell everyone come palace, tell them what you did. Encourage people. Yeah. Can you can you make it golden? Pretty good. Um now real shallow. So you've talked about materialism before. You're you're talking to About what? You're talking about materialism. You're talking about whatever. Just to recap like God. Um we're in galus. And it's increasingly harder and harder excluding October 7th in Eretz Yisrael to to appreciate that we are in galus. This is literally galus. What's your advice to to someone to uh to give them a way to feel and realize and appreciate that we are in galus. Kodesh Kadashim. The question is is that we're in galus. We're in galus. He said it a lot. We're in galus. And what's my lesson to help people appreciate they're in galus. You're making an assumption that it's it's uh Can we put that into parenting when you realize you should learn in it and the kid says when everybody else is making their party It's only one It's only one person or two people. Oh, so you got you you oh, you So, I didn't I didn't understand the connection. I didn't understand the connection to what he asked them materialism. You obviously understood it. You understood it. But so, I what what had How did you get there from from golus? That's what I'm not understanding. You got it. You understood. I know, but but Like I got a friend who's got a car that seats massage you. Like My car does that? Shocker. It's a lousy massage. It's not real. It's It's not like in the mall. It's not like one of those things. I wasn't saying names. Anyways. Oh, yeah, you meant me? You knew what I had? Oh, you How do you say You're outing me on camera? I didn't out yourself. I bought I bought the car used. I didn't but I didn't pay for I I didn't pay for that option. I didn't pay for that option, okay? How do you How do you feel like you're like how do you realize that hey, we're in golus? Like, you know, we're in a free country. First of all, so what what what Can I just play that It's late at night. I can I can say irresponsible things. I I have an out. It's It's It's 2:00 in the morning. I'm old. So, why is that an assumption that you're supposed to feel golus? Why are you taking that as given? You said it four times. I I don't know. Let's we can talk about it. A lot of people you know, the world is becoming more more more more chasidish, more more Let me ask you a question. You have someone who's not doing well. The kid's not learning in yeshiva. So, you want him to do well. Is Does anyone really believe that telling the kid how bad he is is going to cure him? Have you ever beaten somebody into productivity? What do we do? We focus on what's so good about him and how good is how good it is and teach him optimism. So, how does that translate? Golus is a result of our averos. I get I'm not I don't mean this answer to be all-encompassing. Of course, there's value to talking about golus. But there's times a year we have to do that. Mission Achdus Av mematin b'simcha. We're not allowed other and here's the opposite program. They were different programs. So, I just want to put them in context. There were times when we need to become sober and deal with negativity and feel loss. There's something called sitting shiva. But these are minimalized. 7 days, 9 days, and then you move on. Primarily, the goal of life is to not be weighed down by tzarus and to preserve optimism. And all the s'farim, primarily chassidishe s'farim, they spend a lot of time saying far more dangerous than averos is the loss of self-respect and the guilt you feel from the avera. The alienation from the Hashem that you feel because you did an avera and that ruins the relationship. Then you can't face Hashem. The avera is one thing, but now I can't go to shuls. I don't want to I'm embarrassed to face Hashem. That's much worse than the avera. Talking about golus and all that we did wrong and deserve in many contexts is not the right way. It's to talk about is is to not be weighed Yes. We were put in golus for our averos. And my job is to get back on the wagon and and feel close to Hashem and not to feel rejected and to focus on what's beautiful. I'm just with I'm not redoing Judaism and saying that galas should be but the way the question was phrased, I think it's I would rather focus on the limitations of the gala of galas and to tell people how to talk about goula and the potentials of goula. People grow and people thrive when you paint for them a viable picture of of a future of joy. We're very good at creating all the dark pictures of what might happen. What we need more encouragement is to paint beautiful pictures of what might happen so that we can be inspired to get in. I'm very inclined to talk less about galas and more about goula and more about the potential and more about what's beautiful and even to minimize our various so that you can go wider and you cannot be weighed down. I'm not denying Tisha B'Av and the whole and three weeks. This is definitely not the script for Hodesh Adar to be talking about galas. The idea of Hodesh Adar is marbe simcha is to to get more and more invested in the beautiful gifts of our lives. You're being mekayem marbe simcha when every single day you find more things in your life to be happy about and happiness creates optimism and optimistic people are more attractive. You want to hire them. You want to work for them. If you're a been a business, if you have a yeshiva, you want them to come to your yeshiva. If if they're the rebbe, you want to learn from him. If it's a spouse, if it's children, it just makes everyone more attractive, more you want you want to be around it and change his life. You know? I have a question on Why you so hung up on galas? Why is that why is that somebody finished? Why why you have such a blessed life? So you that's it right? So you need you your life is that you have a life you have like a chuppah, and you're looking for like the one glass I have to break cuz it's too perfect. I got it's good. So, if that's what you're doing, you know, your life is one big chuppah and the chosson and you just you don't want to get carried away with the joy of your amazing life. So, then then you One less bottle of wine. I hear. One less Okay. All right. So, that's your goal, is one less bottle of wine. Okay? We were yetzer your goal is discussion. Come back to me in Av. I don't want to hear you mention that word again until Chodesh Av. Tammuz. Okay, Tammuz give you a little leeway. Okay? You're a lichtiger guy. You got to You got to go with your strength. Your strength is simcha. You light up the whole room. Is anybody with more chein? Light up the whole room. Enough with the goal. Okay? You were yetzer goal. Okay? had a question though, right? Yes. Question on question. Um that mashal um that kids don't doesn't usually it's not so productive with the meaning. Like usually have a lot Right. I like that that nimshal that like the mashal works the same way. Um it doesn't really help us to feel like down and There is a place of Is there there is like this concept of chareisa? So, where's the I know like someone does wrong move on. Someone still loves me. Whatever. I would tell you like this. A lot of ways to answer it. The simplest way yet two in the morning to answer it is What? Is there a place for guilt in Yiddishkeit? I'll tell you. I'll tell you. I'll tell you. It's a good way to say it. And Shmoneh Esrei is full of bakashos. Most of the bakashos Every bakasha is only one bakasha. Atah Chonein is give me wisdom. Refa'einu is heal me. Barech Aleinu give me parnassah. A lot of bakashos. One need has two bakashos. For teshuvah and closeness to Hashem, we have two brochos. Two of the 19 brochos. Hashiveinu Avinu l'Teshuvasecha. And then Slach Lanu, Avinu, Ki Chatano. The order is very, very telling. Normally, one would think first you say Slach Lanu. Forgive me all my sins. And then bring me close to you again. But we do it the opposite. First we say Hashivenu, Avinu, S'lacha. Karvenu, Malkenu, L'Avodasecha. Return me. Bring me close again. Get me back on track. Let me be close with you. And then only once you're close to Hashem and you're back on track and you're smiling and laughing again and beaming. Then we say Slach Lanu, Avinu, Ki Chatano. Then we talk about aveiros. There is a room for charata. And all this, but it's only once you're safely back in the in the arms of Hashem and it's not going to weigh you down. First you got to get back on track and get back to Hashem and then you can deal with charata. If you do charata first, then you'll it it it it'll it'll it'll slow you it'll it'll be it'll make it harder for you to get back on track. You picture out he's angry. I I I can't I can't I can't go home now. I have to wait till I deal with it and take till I charata's hard and and you could be out of the house for months, you know? So, it's important thing to know Hashivenu comes before Slach Lanu. The You can imagine that all the date You can have both. If you If you first go back and then you deal with charata, then you have the benefits of dealing with the charata, whatever gifts that has, without the risks of alienation cuz you're already back on track. What's like a proper approach to charata? It's different than pure guilt. It seems like it's just not productive. It makes a person feel low and bad and stuff. I don't know how you deep talk on charata. I just I just don't know if it's like too late for it now. I'm like the right uh I think we're I think we're better off we're better off with short questions with short answers than a whole whole maracha. What can I say short now? The shortest way to deal with harata is is when you're in a good place and you're happy to realize like imagine what my life would have been like if I wouldn't have been derailed. Imagine I like it's so good now and like I I'm like I started the race 10 minutes behind everybody else cuz I was stuck in this. I could have been up to there. My life could have been like there. It it it harata value of harata again none of it is meant to punish yourself. Everything is meant to get closer to Hashem and to live a lot better life. So the goal of harata is a mindset that allows you to be more invested. And the way that works is to realize the dangers of being derailed and the dangers of and you know, a good way to have harata is is like wow, I Amish was playing with fire. There were people who did what I did and and I lost because of it. They're they're embarrassed to face Hashem and they're gone. I'm back on track. It would but it was a really close call. And then you have the benefits of marinating in the dangers of avera and the risks of avera and and the future vigilance that you're not going to do avera again without the debilitation of the avera because you're talking about it more and like is like it was bad what happened but I survived. What a close call. That's a great way to to fully talk about it. It's once you could say it was a close call. I'm past it. And then you can marinate in your averas cuz they're not going to ruin it. But to marinate in your averas before you got back on track people never get back on track. There people who the expression doubling down when I is is a Khaim Shmuel Leibovits talks about Shulchan way you have to see it in Sifas Musser. He talks about Khiel. Khiel is the guy who rebuilt Yericho. Yeshua gave a claw whoever rebuilds Yericho, it's a Khairam oilam. You're not allowed to rebuild it. Anyone who rebuilds Yericho will lose his oldest son the day he whatever digs the foundation and he'll lose his last youngest son the day he whatever finishes the gate. That was the lashon hakodesh exactly. And meaning the Mashmia says he'll lose in the course of the building he'll lose all of his kids. Came Khiel, he had 10 eight kids whatever it was. He dug the foundation he lost his oldest son. And then he finished the whole thing and he lost his youngest son. He goes like and the Khamish is like like what was he thinking? Like everything coming true. So what's he answer? What's Khiel thinking? So we so messed up and it's so deep that we can understand what he's thinking. Is once he lost his oldest son, he lost his oldest son. I just I have a Khara, I just ruined my life. With my stupid avera. So after such a tragedy and so being so culpable for something so terrible you double down. And you go like who cares? Just they give up. And now I lost two sons and now I doubled down that we get stuck and you can't face the guilt of what you did wrong. So we just do more wrong. The story of Khiel he brings it down because we all Khiel sometimes. It should be a verb like Khieling. Like we do this. We we throw bad money after good money. You know all those expressions. We we we we instead of changing path the teva is just just to keep on going in the path we're going which is just a self-destructive and we know it and we can't pull ourselves away. That's what Khiel does. So, it's very important to get out of Chet before before you you would dress it. Yeah. You need to talk about what you did and understand why you did it wrong and realize how dangerous it was. But, it's much more healthy to do it after Hashivenu Avinu Malkeinu Tzaruch First, stop building your Iri Chaim. Move 800 mi from your Iri Chaim. Burn every record you have of directions how to get to your Iri Chaim. Okay, now you're gone. You're not going to finish it. Now, let's talk about how you messed up. But, first you got to find a new city that you're allowed to build before you uh That's that's that's that's idea. Don't uh A lot of times people who want to talk about charata it comes from some kind of need to to suffer more and punish myself for what I did wrong. Again, I'm sure there are mekaris for things like that, but the the the I can't imagine you're going to find anybody who's who's in our door who would advise that that's a healthy thing. The right thing. Maybe on extremely high levels on extremely high levels there's something like that. But, the avodah is the job is being close to Hashem. Punishing yourself and and feeling guilty, I don't know in this door who benefits from that. I have many Tommy them. And my inclination is yeah, it's so easy to give patch. But, after a while you you realize how nobody ever You know, they improve from it. It's a weird improvement. It's they you lose them their distance from you, their There's nothing more powerful than than giving someone a hug and saying you're amazing. And they say you What? We think it might have been, but but there's a reason that you know there's no mussar movement anymore, you know? You know mussar like everyone's everyone has everyone's you know the biggest movement in growing thing in Yiddishkeit is Breslov, which is the opposite extreme, you know, like why you so there's a happy medium. But but positivity is is I don't want to sound too modern cuz I I I I realize but this isn't the issue to be old school. There's a lot of value to old school. I I intergenerational trauma Remember old school? Yeah, but there's a lot of value, but but but this isn't the place to be nostalgic. It's about kids being hit by their parents or by their rebbeim. I'm sure there are holy people who have nice tires to defend it. You know? But you know, there's important rule. In the Beit Hamikdash there were chatzotzros. Trumpets. It's not listed in the klay Hamikdash. We just read in Trumah of all the things that were built. And we talk about the mizrak kayis and all the forks and the spoons and the ladles. But the trumpets which are spoken about a lot in the Torah and the use of them are not listed in the Mishkan. And the answer is cuz it wasn't the derech. The Mishkan was permanent. And it traveled with them and the Mishkan was forever. Every generation made new trumpets. The trumpets weren't eternal. You got rid of your trumpets, you got new ones. Cuz there's two things. There's the avodah itself, the job. And then there are the the things that call you to the job. The trumpets. The job of Yiddishkeit never changes. But the trumpets, every generation needs different trumpets. So saying mussar and these types of things are trumpets. Torah is the constant. The things that lead me to Torah are trumpets. It's not like too modern to say that every that that mussar is not for for my talmidim, that kind of mussar. Because it's trumpets. And the Torah itself tells us that it's too modern to say the Torah has to change. The Mishkan's forever. The Kli Hamikdash is forever. The trumpets, the Torah itself tells us, change every generation. So the the ways to inspire people change. And that's that's being old-fashioned. It's old-fashioned to adapt new trumpets to every generation. That's the mesorah of Klal Yisrael. And there are certain kinds of seforim, these kinds of seforim, the call the call to action seforim, the inspirational seforim, that literally you can study the history of Klal Yisrael by looking how they've changed over the years. You know, and what we're Now people we don't change that much. So reading old old mussar type seforim touch people. It does. But not in the perfect most perfect way. The best person to learn seforim from are trumpet seforim. Is Is who's the best mashgiach alive today? You want to read from Rav Matisyahu Solomon. That's who you want to hear from. You want to hear from people who live today and how many chachamim went to him? He's the person on the pulse of what talmidim need to hear right now. You look at the Chassidishe Rebbes who are leading their Chassidus and they're growing. You know, you look at something like Belz who's who's who's always changing and always doing things and you hear what that Rebbe has to say. What does he know about the world? Look what he's doing. He's creating new institutions and and and and new ideas. You want to look at at at the leaders of the day, those are the trumpets. They're a trumpet voices and therefore so I think that the trumpet voices of today are not seeing haratah as all that kind of haratah as as as as as the productive way to get someone on on track. Yeah. Not exactly a question, it's just on this topic. You brought up breast up. Like, you know, when it comes to his photo does and you also mentioned about like breast up like relationship with that done and talking. And when it comes to doing his photo does, it's like you start off with the pray you start off with the gratitude. And then it goes into that breast up and that bash of of Yeah, it's like that because it could spiral into a place of guilt of oh, what what did I do? Instead, it's actually an opportunity to to actually talk frank with God. Talk frank with Hashem and be like I am being honest. And here's the opportunity that I have now to to like said, things are not going to be the same once you once you go to that 800 miles away to a new city, you're building a new city. It's going to look different as an opportunity. So it's not the regret, it's not the shame, it's not the guilt. It's the opportunity that's within it and it's like it's that that's the ideal for me. Like that's the muscle for the trumpets for today of just that And also when it comes to the gallus versus the goola carbon soda and parent book, you know, those are going to be the things that are going to stay. And it's it's about Very nice. Very nice. Very nice. But I do as you're saying it, I just was thinking it's worth going off on a little tangent that the Harada thing being Adam and is very important. You can't really when you hurt somebody else that person needs to know that you feel real sadness about what you did to them. The is very very secure and he could forego Harada until you're back on track, you know? But but if you feel a need to hear about Harada, you can think about it more in Harada, you know, because it's very important. But even in it's probably much smarter to first make up and get back on track before you start talking about how much I hurt you. Cuz that when you talk about it beforehand, it just it just exacerbates the division. If you make up, we're talking then like then in that safe place we can talk about how much I hurt you. And and and and and and how bad I feel. And and then you can go back to the thing about Hashem. Like there is a beauty, there is something so deep about guilt and and and and the shame that you feel for hurting someone. It's part of relationship. It's just impossible to have that Harada and whatever closeness that brings there's a certain humility that you come to Hashem when you come with your hat in your hand like I I messed up and you gave me every opportunity and and I and the gift and I used it to hurt you. You know, I used it so I let you down. Those are good Hashem. But to but to do that Okay. Fine. No, it's nice. It's nice. It's nice. It's nice. Take one more question. More questions? Are we are we good? understood, wouldn't it be appropriate then to look at the Yom Kippur Al Cheit and say, "Okay, where does this thing I did fit in there so that I can just do my chuva and move on?" So, what do you You're saying with the charatah? You're saying get all your charatah done with? Well, I'm just saying like instead of like just ruminating about it, you know, go into your Yom Kippur machzor. I'm saying there's no guilt. There's no saying you're sorry. Do you feel No, you have to have a guilt. That's why you're putting it somewhere. Like when I When I come to Yom Kippur, you know, here's the Al Cheit or the Al Cheits that I'm going to say that corresponds to this that I'm feeling so terrible You know, I listen, I you know, I just Let me We should go on. It's It's a big sugia. A lot to say. And everything Everything you said made me want to give another speech. Like every You said a million things, but every one of them to treat it properly needs a whole Uh At one point you have to control yourself. I'm just thinking that Maybe we'll do two of them? No. Like It's No, I Listen, like Like even Yom Kippur Maybe I misunderstood it. No, you're not misunderstanding. It's It's It's Listen, the There's There's val I don't know. Let's talk about Let's It's It's It's It's It's other. Look at the happy things. That's That's why I'm feeling it. It's like not the time for it, you know? It's the growth through simcha I'm not meaning to to to discount the growth through humility and the growth through brokenness. These are all real. But this is avodah now. You follow Hashem's script. Today you come to Hashem through simcha. Let's talk about what's beautiful, what's good. Marinate in the matanos of Hashem. Think about how lucky we are. And Hashem saves us. We're bulletproof. I thank Hashem a million times a day because I don't want anything to come looking for But even that, that's so witfish. You're taking Hashem's gifts and you're saying, "What's the greatness of my of the beautiful Hashem is that he's not going to hunt me down." Like that's your That's your my ultimate picture of of the goodness of Hashem is today I don't get smacked. I It's like we're we're so we're so defensive. Like they got sagas. Think about the jewelry Hashem bought you yesterday, not the smack you avoided. On the gifts, you get Okay. What I picture the ultimate relation with Hashem is like this that feeling like like like me? Like you did that for me? Like like like that that feeling where you're just so overwhelmed like you can't believe they even noticed me and then you did all this like what did I do to deserve like that feeling is so halig. Is is it's a feeling of smallness but not dark smallness. It's smallness like I am so weighed down by bracha like like oh my god like that's like everything. It's like the hugeness of smallness and You feel like you deserve it? You do it? You do? So Hashem thinks Hashem me like did this for me and I don't feel that. You don't feel like The other only is not me, yeah. Okay, you said you're going to pay me and then you're on time. That's also good. That's mishpat. That's mishpat but racham. This is a very deep machlokes. What is holier, what's deeper, what's closer Hashem, mishpat or rachamim? You know, when Hashem gives you something because you worked hard and you get a good grade from Hashem and Hashem says well done. Or when Hashem gives you something that's totally like more than you deserved and like you This It's one of these amazing machlokes and you can argue back and forth whether Hashem or Elokim is Those are the two sides, din and rachamim. Which one's Which one's a deeper relationship? Chanina ben Dosa, like these are the The Gemara has so many different types of tzaddikim. Tzaddikim who um Hashem treated, you know, you want to be Whatever it was is a endless endless endless pools. It's late. We should love Let everybody go to sleep. What time is it? It's 3:00 a.m. Yeah, it's 2:00. Really is? No. No, it's 2:00 but yeah, the will be clock to 3:00 now. Right, it's 3:00 a.m. What? Yeah, cuz it just turned 2:00 so Right, okay. Everybody was amazing weekend. Thank you for Thank you. We'll see you We'll see you next year. Maybe we'll see you before then. Yerushalayim, hallelujah. Yerushalayim, whatever. Praise to you.