Rabbi Yisrael Apelbaum

a good nerve shabbos to everybody welcome this is my first appearance here in the uh with kashinovshi and i have to give a big ashikoya my dear friend yeshua rivlin who asked me to come and join it seems to be from just getting the feeling of a few uh minutes here i'm not here that long but it's an organization of kesha kashinaki but to me it seems more like a family of keshinopshi see people you know the friendliness the togetherness very very warm and welcoming it's a tremendous tremendous choice to be part of such a helical organization and like i said a family the topic that i was asked to discuss the holding the family together in a time of crisis a very serious topic i'm sure all the topics are serious but this is a very serious topic needs a lot of time and i don't know if we have enough to the time to discuss it today but i will give my insight into the subject and i will try to um help us maybe understand a little mahalakshma again this is my opinion and my for my knowledge i'm sure that there's other opinions out there but the main nakuda that we have to realize before we start the topic is the is is the lotion of crisis i think we have to read the final re rename it that the the way the first approach that we have to under when we come to any situation that is difficult his goal is by us it's an asylum it's an asylum and i think that's a very very important point to know because crisis is very very very something that causes brings fear prices bring something to a person to very a lot of anxiety and not to underestimate and not to under make it make it seem smaller seem it that it's not important a crisis is very serious crisis destroy families destroy communities but we have to realize as believing jews as yidden who understand that there's nothing in life that's not specific 100 specific specific to that individual or those individuals specific in the type of challenges specific in the amount of the challenge specific how long the channel is going to last and specific how many times the person will be challenged with these different things everything is exact and that's one of the things we learned one of the main soyuz of this week's thesis these past years is to understand the unbelievable protest that there is in this in the world who everything that comes to the world is one hundred percent we saw this big spanish borough two people were drinking the same cup one there was blood in the cup the mitzi was drinking with a straw that same comp came out from the blood and the same exact carb not a different carb not the same exact cup the yid was drinking from there was water how is it possible the burners were exact that is called practice that's the word hashem eloqueno and just like when something good happens this is why it happened to me exactly so to represent it with a challenge that says protest that is exactly for that person we know the the fortune the results that a person comes down to this world he's given a choice which challenges that he's going to choose there made me yucca for his mission in life and like we understand that this is part of the the presentation today how to how to give over the first step on how to deal with the crisis in the family is the first step is to first of all understand that we're going through an assailant we're going through a challenge right now not just it's not to sit aside and just let things happen to sit down and bring the family together and discuss with them that this is a challenge in the signing from now we have to realize as a family that we have to now gird our strengths we have to use all our powers whatever's within us to to to now deal with the struggle that we're going to have and of course when the struggle hits a family obviously the leaders of the family the parents they're the ones who have the most responsibility to make sure to ensure that the family is held together obviously each individual like we said it's a private it's an assignment for everyone in the family even the kid that's not going through the challenge his brother has the same design how many families are brought down because one kid has a challenge and the other child is left you know in the blank he doesn't know really what's going on until he finds out he's gone through trauma he's gone through difficulties he has no one to talk to he wasn't involved he wasn't brought into the picture and when when he finally opens up and starts finally you know starts to discuss a little what's going on in his life it might be too late he's already traumatized to a high level it's important when there's a challenge that's coming to the family that the head of the family takes the responsibility takes the the horse by the reigns and starts to first of all define what the challenge is and then call the family together and discuss sometimes openly sometimes individually he has to know the nature of his family but to discuss with them that we're going through the challenges and to define the challenge and then to be in dimension and be there for the child and say how much you know he's ready to be out there whatever is necessary for the child the children each one on their own level which is so important now this is something that will digress to it you know a topic that that's being discussed these days went through a terrible tragedy you know on so many different levels this last few weeks with the with the story that just came out now it's just so and anybody you know i i grew up i didn't grow up but for 35 years i lived in arizona there's the koopa now i'm in america and seeing what's going on it just for me it's it's it's mind-boggling i mean everybody grew up with these books every child natural held this man to be a hero and so many got from his his books and his and his and now to discover all the things that are going on and with the with the end what happened recently it's just mind-boggling i don't know how much in america they could we could understand this but in the area of the ilam the people coming from israel the people living in that so are living through a tragedy kids don't know what what to say they don't know what to do the victims are are so distraught obviously the the victims our hearts go out to them but but one thing that that i think is so important to learn from the from this to this topic is that how much a parent has to know that you are there to protect your child the kurdish borough made a situation with a parent and a child and the child grows up very vulnerable he comes to the world with nothing the parent has to give and the parent has to has to train and the parent has to get into a certain age but one of the most important one of the most important jobs of a parent is to protect their child and protect their child means to know where their child is who is he busy with not sending him off on just just random places and even when he's going to somebody who we believe is probably to be aware and to observe and to know what's going on behind the scenes we can't just trust hashem we can't distrust anybody and everybody today today we've been in a world that hashem has so many we've seen so many different tragedies and these types of ign and we can't be quiet anymore we have to develop a system and starting with the parents and developing it to larger into communities with asconim where there has to be follow-up there has to be some type of observation even with with the best situations but to know what's going on where your child is and what's happening with him and to be involved and make sure he's protected physically emotionally in all ways abuse is not only on one level abuses on many levels and if we don't protect our child we're in for destruction if we let things just go and everything goes smooth we have to be in touch with the principals and the schools and the therapists if they're going to tears and be following up being in touch and being on top of the hand on the pulse in every which way to avoid such things i'm not getting into guilty not that's not the point of you the point is the parent has to know the first things my job as a parent that i have to protect to my ability the bernstein's the ultimate protective show me as well but to know the child has to know this one of the most important things and this goes into this it's very norgaya what we're discussing one of the most important things for a child to grow up healthy emotionally on all levels is that he understands that he has the security of his parents of mother and father the security there what breaks the child apart when he feels he's alone no one wants to be alone a child is not born in the jungle he's drawn born went into our home there's hashem with parents healthy parents of mr and the parents have to create that bubble of security that he feels secure he feels that that you know that he's in a home with where this stability and then when a crisis hits when something hits that's not everything is not the norm anymore the things that mommy men have to be going out of the house early and staying out late and tati might be missing a lot now so now there's going to be a crack in that stability the child deserves to know the family deserves to know that we're still there for each and every one of them how and when and what how you're going to do it how to juggle it the responsibilities are enormous may now but a person has to find a way that every child realizes that i'm still there for them whether it's through telephones whether it's through other ways avada today when a crisis will come out to the signing hits a family about hashem today community is so hashem equipped with so many different organizations and so many different people that that are there to help and we have to know that when we're in a difficulty the main thing is we have to ask for help people that don't like to ask for help it shows the weakness of created a world of oil and the tacos of this world and that means when something hits a family some difficulty hits it with it financially whatever whatever in any area a person has to realize and and that's how the person wants the world to run and that we have to reach out we have to look to the different organizations the different people that could help because it's nice it becomes almost impossible to juggle all the responsibilities now this is too much on the person's plate when it gets way too much the children suffer and the number one priority on your list is your children of course if it's a different child you're dealing with right now he he's you know he deserves the first uh the first licks but at the end of the day after that every single child has to get the attention has to be cared for and a per and a child has to know that somebody have to speak to a man whenever you have time extra time to spend with him to realize that hagam that looks like i'm giving so much attention to this child but to find and explain it everybody obviously it has to be on his level an older child can understand more and we get low to lower lower ages they understand less but you have to explain it they have to know they have to be involved and they have to realize that this is the test for making we are our children's parents but we're also the icker rebbe of course today we hire a bane but we have to know the possibility is very fascinating because what are we talking about in the torah over there the torah is talking about when i came to give the torah and he says first tell the women speak to the women and afterwards speak to the day as well and the mefashima asked the question to be showing him already asked the question although the torah was given for learning the torah the men are going to learn the torah why does deposit describe and discuss the women first the emotion i founded out to be showing him feinstein says very fascinating he says that you're right the man will learn the torah but who's going to nurture the toy who develops the child in the early years who brings the child to a level who brings the child for the first the early years to his connection to his love the mama the mother that's in the house that's nurturing the child and bringing it up and feeding the child and in those early years when the child is early development via has established his kesha navshi to toronto to mitzvos which later on is very very hard to change therefore says moshe speak to the women because this is about the future of kwang israel this is about the future of our nation this is about the future how we're going to be able to develop speak to the women first they're the ones who get the first the first available by the way by the mother when she has those early years together how she develops the child those early years has a big say on how it's going to turn out and remission speaks also there of the of the early rebellion the early years people think today it's very you know it's not so become a dick to get a job as a first grader a primary ready the more covered expeditions are later on but the early years when we nurtured the child those are the years that stay in forever when it goes into early in the early ages the impressions that are made sure mr says praise is your birth birthday what was the mother used to take his little stroller baby carriage and she's put it in the base of madrid and as a baby you would hear the sounds of torah say from there from there came his impressions so the mother gets the first glitch via for the mother on her side is is a main contributor to the even if she sends a kid from primary even she sends him to the play group but your main contributor in the private the father in the same way from the early years in the house the shabbos the whole mathias of the home how it's run and what you always say obviously which is no gear the same topic a child mimics his parents the gemara says the speech of a child i deal with a lot of cases a lot of different control and bias with youth and one thing i know it's very very very often is very common we see somehow many of the problems that you see in marriages when grown-ups a lot of it mimics parallels the same thing that would happen maybe in the marriage that they saw when they were growing up maybe just as many hours but what he sees at home because he's a part and parcel of you what he sees at home that's how he's going to follow and those years especially the early years the home is calm if the home is serene if the home is warm if the home is caring that's what a child is going to grow up if the home is a home where weather is with his etiquette with his private the show bias between how much pain and suffering in in in kids of the derek again this mother there's a lot of a lot of sibis we're not going and pinning it on one thing but but there is for sure a contributor of the fact of the showdom bias because again what cracks a kid what makes him start to think different what makes him to look out out there is because he's not happy within the within is what's been built within from the parents and the growing up and in the home that he's seen he's not happy now it could be for other reasons also there's other things it's not we're not only saying but our job is to understand that that's our main goal our main our main avoid in this world our main average in this world is that hashem gave us the beautiful gift of a child a beautiful beautiful thing of beautiful becoming from our job is that we have to put our attention our main focus our priorities into raising him and raising just doesn't mean getting the proper basically you know be safer to go to the proper school go to the best school be with the best kids the number one thing is to create the environment at home where he sees what it means to live a life of a happy healthy individual who loves hashem and loves his torah and loves his family a child who sees that his parents love their family will be a good father a child who feels this gift she sees that as our father his father his father is so careful and and so and so ernst such an errands he has so he's so he's so trustworthy he's so truthful he's so he's so amnestic he's so caring with his wife and the children that child is going to grow up differently and when a crisis arise if the child sees the parent handling the christ in the right way that's how you're going to keep the family together if the if the father and the mother first understand as we as we started that this in the starting from whatever they were getting right now to the sun and they treated it that they don't look at as unfair and start complaining the complaints only call the kids the complaints whenever they get into trouble but they realize that we sit down the children explained that the quran gives us messiah and the sonia means that a person has unbelievable the tactics of every messiah it's a fascinating thing says by rama vino go and take your son your only son and offer him and of course he brings that question told him please i've run beyond this desire if not everything else doesn't have so much meaning and we have ash isabella i mean at the end of the day avraham this was the 10th mission according to many resharing him because the tenth the son was the sign of the al-qaeda what if you don't if you're not successful in this so everything is nothing but the answer is that if the sword what in the song is what is the saying it is the saying means that wants to bring out from a person his own fascinating we don't realize you know they tell stories we've seen articles about it a 59 year old grandmother that her son is caught under a car our grandson's put onto the car and there's been stories how she runs out and lifts this amazing humongous car and where does the curse come from i mean she could barely lift the milk container but when it comes to a situation where she where she's forced what she needs to bring out her coaches who an unbelievable thing that a person can unlock greatness if he's pushed to a certain degree and that greatness no one would ever think and don't ever know about this heroic grandmother has shown we shouldn't need to have an assignment but no one know about this heroic grandmother if if this situation didn't arise every nissan brings is not stamina loves us with the ultimate love once said that the biggest russian in the world the quran loves more than anybody with that we know the the the greatest sonic that we love krishna loves us to the ultimate degree he has so much ava for us so if he gives in the sign it doesn't have anything to do with the punishment you know who wants to bring out that we have curse that we have to unlock and if we tap in we can rise up and bring the whole family up with us if we understand that it's an assailant and there's an ability now to unlock greatness we can take that and build upon it but if we look upon it as a husband and that's and that's the approach that we give to our children that oh bad luck this is the this is hashem you know it has punished us and and give it we look at it as as hashem as punishments and and things that are koshbot is trying to hurt us so the kid grows up not understanding the right philosophy how kurdish works but more if that's true so then i i can't i won't be able to handle it because i can't handle whose punishments so therefore everything falls apart but if he looks at it as an ability a chance an opportunity to unlock greatness and that's how he presents it to his family so his whole family understands that not just myself but we're all in this together all of us have that opportunity to rise and to become great and to become something that we can really really never knew that we could become how many of us you know went through different difficulties and struggles in life we saw at the end wow how much have we grown how much have we improved in so many areas how much of our marriage has improved and how much of a relationship with our children it's we had to come on to this and we had that we had to go through this but but but the but the the result and the product of this messiah was that i became such a better person i became such a different person i never knew that i could be such a person like that i always thought that my life was you know going to be a certain way and here i am my meetings are better my interaction with my wife is better my my my relationship my children are better it would never happened it would have never happened if this mission didn't come to us so we look at the beginning and when we came to us it's it's it's difficult and no one's trying to play it down having having a child a son that or a child or a daughter somebody that that's going through this their struggles and it creates tremendous tremendous pressure and tension and difficulty no one's playing that down it should never be played down no one should look at somebody else for care at the our job we see somebody else with the difficulty is to go out there and and and to take care of them and to help them and not to say oh it's his struggle but at the same time how are you you know our our our outlook our hash off on it has to be so clear that the kurdish borough who wants us to grow and rise in the occasion afram would have never been the great of rama it would have never become part of it we know it says of ramazan vinu it says in the mishnah he's a ramavinu that's the lush of the mission in all of us he became our father how did he become our father not just not just because he gave where his offspring through the generations but but the referral say that the mishnah says on the mission of the tendency that is our forefather because as of rome went through the missions it didn't only become a test for him as he overcame the test that became part of his dna and it became part of his dna that meant that today that we the jewish people have it in them that they love eric israel people want to go to their straw they have a feeling for israel where does it come the center of high from it comes from the sony that if rom went through the challenge and he overcame it and it became part of his dna and he inherited it to us and every single of those nissan is the fact that people give up their lives it came from the saiyan of the al-qaeda everything even comes with the tower that we see we that we we throw that around so so beautifully but the gums of the tower said that that came from a frog when he came hashem said go down to earth israel it'll be great for you he comes there as well famine he doesn't have a place to stay he's going from place to place he has to go all the way down to israel avraham did not complain hashem told me to go here everything's gonna be great your name's gonna become great you'll be you'll be famous you'll have children he comes in nothing he doesn't complain says logic from dear can instill this that famous quote that famous statement that was passed down from avrom so every time that we go through these challenges that our family goes to child the explanation has to be this is opportunity we didn't ask for it and we don't ask for discernment we save again we don't have to do it we don't send us today to sell you but when a decision comes if it comes upon if if the crisis the same comes upon us we have to define it as an assailant and explain to our children this opportunity and to hold us together we have to realize they have to have the ammunition was there for us that even though we're going through this crisis we're not alone we have first of all people out there to help in the practical level and we have the barium to always rely on and every matter that we have we have to realize without a moon were lost in this world that we're living in today is even more sora to see that a person has to realize that his whole life has depended on without a person is totally walking this world lost to the world he's lost to his to it to in every which way if he lives with a muna if he lives with him i'm like a baby in my mother's arms it means that has a baby walk around a baby carefree he's happy all the time okay he has his times he's left he needs to eat but he's walking around carefully there's no worries that's the symbol of a baby a child has snowboards he's so happy there's no words why noise he's being taken care of what mel said at his age he's walking around in that state because the kurdish bro is taking care of it so with the handle and keep the family together we have to mechasic our own selves everything crumbles right when you have a pyramid everything crumbles if the bottom the support crumbles if the bottom falls down everything comes down the parent is on top of course but he's also the bottom he's the support he's the base of everything the whole house is based on that if the parent is not remaining strong if he's falling apart everything's going to come apart the per the the the the parents who are going through the struggle have to miss and have to get the proper help have to seek out the problem for their family to keep it together we have to understand that we're not alone it's not all the perishables with us the person's giving us the saying and if hashem we [Music] it's an opportunity for what we're saying and we have to realize that we're responsible for our kids we have to protect them in every single massive not to let them run and and and if we're going through the crisis to look out for them to be in touch with them to know what's going on with them and and finally hashem to bring the family up together to go through the messiah and overcome it based hashem to go through through through the proper understanding to the proper knowledge that the krishna doesn't give any saying that we can't overcome the problem that was there supporting us through the through the messiah to the prophet now is this opportunity for us to the prophet knowledge that we're the only ones who could give that support to our children that we have to remain strong for them should help us these trying times with everything going on that should see it that we should be to see issues and all in all on all levels there's so much sickness and all that based on us on this nation we should be served to see soon yeshua's shears yeah yeah if anybody wants to ask please feel free sorry okay yes sure yeah sure oh very good right yeah yeah of course it should so the question was that why aren't the schools today and their bottom addressing the issues that are on the table out there in different areas of abuse you're referring to mr man right right i hear you wiring schools and and and even even your bottom shoulder being addressed so let's take you know the recent issue i i what i've noticed around and and i've heard also that there are a lot of are addressing the issues the to the to that seaboard different russia shivas have got up and spoken to their yeshivas about it so you're talking about more preventive i think more preventive more than we're dealing with we have to here we're dealing with after the fact after terrible terrible tragedy and you're 100 right that you know this this type of topic is very very delicate but today because of the um the situation that's going on that there's you know hashem there's a lot of a lot of terrible things going on and you know you know when i don't want to get into specifics over here but you know the abuse is on is on different levels you know abuse cannot doesn't have to definitely come into a sexual abuse you know there's abuse from a ban that people have you know you speak to older generations they had abuse from different opinions on different levels you know it wasn't a level of sexual level but it was more could be verbal and it could be emotional you know different thing type of things where kids are being bullied you know a lot of a lot of issues that are going on in schools today where kids find themselves victimized by people that you know want to take advantage of them and like you're saying the schools don't talk about it you know and i think in a certain way you know there has to be an awareness you know whether it's going to come you know in schools and address it in assemblies but i think you're 100 right we you know because what we're seeing is going on and and no one should have to know it but i i've dealt with tamid and people that have been victimized and we can't imagine the pain you know people could talk about it and say it but it's it's it's you know it's it's something that's so painful and and so unimaginable how much this person not just in the in the obviously his whole life deals with it and because of that his whole life has changed his whole way he's going to grow up who's going to marry ev everything could be affected in such a serious way and and and sometimes to the end of day he's suffering and suffering sometimes you know to unimaginable levels and and and and the person who who who victimized them you know is living who could because he wasn't caught so so he's living free and and this guy is to be many people are are living lives of such pain sorrow because no one no one discussed it with them and they were just taken advantage of because they were shy or the type of kid that that was vulnerable for it so therefore because of that i think today we must must make awareness so again i think in a certain way you're right you know how to do it and how to address it you know it's it's a delicate topic but i think there has to be you know some type of you know a lot of organizations but the you know there could be a group of people getting together and promoting that they're making a serious awareness to the to to the to the sibo a iranian could do it also but to make awareness of this the kuda your body is to yourself if any time you know you're in a situation of vulnerability with somebody you have to report it and tell it over to your parents obviously has to be investigated the proper way but the service shall govern it must be taken care of and treated seriously and done well yeah [Music] it has to be established as soon as possible and discuss and get it out there you know a certain system how we can a system a system how to how to educate educate the next generation uh hijab it has to be a a a it may be put into the curriculum in some way it's you know it's an embarrassing thing that today we come to a generation that we have to put into the curriculum but it should be addressed i don't say have to spend months on it a year isn't it but some sometimes you know within the year again or which level and ages that has to be discussed with the bottom but it should be heavy especially you know you know you know people that are in such situations and such that it should be given over clearly because how to to recognize it how to you know be how to know what's going on to be how to be be able to talk it out and express it to your parents or to your baby or to anybody you you feel that you could open up to and make sure that the child feels that you know he can't be taken advantage of in any way a child has to feel that security and and and and you know a lot of times he doesn't know what's going on until it's too late so the awareness will will prevent that you know even anything starting and like i said there also has to be you know in any in any situation there has to be some type of of of of of people watching out for for the predators that are around that that there has to be some type of you know people see seeing out or you know making sure that the situations that arise whether it's by therapists or by you know a situation where they they shouldn't be you know what we call yihood you know they have women there has to be very careful these situations because of what we're experiencing today there has to be not to say everybody is a suspect on but but but but not to be foolish and to be aware that has been shown there could be many many many problems out there and we have to address it and take care of it yes okay welcome [Music]