Who Should You Marry?

[Music] another example that the sages said is go down a step to take a wife page 63a advising a person to choose a wife that's on a level lower than him since the world is built on he will control you type of mentality he doesn't want to become a stranger in his own house take this advice and have a good you know in order to have a good life what does this really mean in today's world of upside down mentality people want to marry above and beyond themselves he wants to marry her because her dad has money she wants to marry him because he's a doctor he wants to to marry her because her family is politicians she wants to marry him because they are you know up upper echelon of society and so on and so forth people marry each other for the wrong reason needless to say they get divorced for the right reasons because they shouldn't have been married in the first place but the problem is that people do not know what marriage is really about and the specifically says if you're going to get married there is some good advice for you the same 3 says first off be deliberate when taking a wife meaning think about it investigate talk to her perhaps talk to some people that know she is get some references meaning the shid resume of today is nothing new just that it wasn't written back then it was just simply everybody knew each other or you knew somebody knew each other and you find out who she is why cuz she if her whole family is full of criminals you know it's not exactly a good show it doesn't necessarily mean she's a criminal too but again see what your options are see what she is see how how far she is from the tree if at all don't be so abrupt oh I need to get married let me just get whatever I can no take it easy yeah but I need to get married yes you need to get married but you also don't need to get divorced so think think of think of what you're doing before you do it but then it says something completely off left field which is go down a step and take to take a wife don't marry a woman that's on an upper echelon than you that's higher than you meaning she makes more money than you it's not a good thing she has a higher place in society than you not a good thing she's more accomplished than you not so good says not you can marry her if you want it's not a good idea why because the Torah already knows how people are and people have a tendency to dominate whoever is beneath them therefore if your wife is more accomplished than you she will want to dominate you which is abnormal in society not today's society of abnormality being the normal but historically speaking the woman is not supposed to dominate the house she's supposed to raise the house take care of the house take care of the children thear calls her house because without her there is no house she's extremely important and perhaps even more important than the man the mashia is only coming because of the Merit of of the women not the Merit of the men but she's not supposed to dominate the husband she's not supposed to dominate the house why because that's the way that hasem created the world everybody has their role she's supposed to raise the kids make sure that they're taken care of make sure that they're learning toah encourage the husband to go learn toah that's why she goes to ganeden and so on but as far as making the rules of the house it's supposed to be by the man you're not supposed to move a house because your wife wants to you should if it's a good place and if it's going to make her happy but if she wants to move next door to our ABA and and Ima in a bad neighborhood or in a place that's pretty much contrary to anything else that's good for you you can't move there in fact it's not good for you to live next to your in-laws anyway not your parents or her parents why because what's going to end up happening is you're going to have two more people in your marriage what do you think that your your your parents can hold themselves back from being involved into your house if they could simply be in your house every day people make the biggest mistake in their life when they say oh no we just got married so we're saving money so we're living with my in-laws I said okay good luck with your divorce good luck with your divorce make sure that you have the rabbi's number that bed you because he probably still wants the business with divorce too why that's what's going to happen either divorce misery you live in your parents house you live in her parents house that means you're also married to them that means you're going to have two wives and a husband same thing if you live in his house you live in his in his in his in his parents house guess what you're going to have two husbands and a wife and that wife is the husband the the husband's mom always the worst person on Earth to the why why why don't you cook for my son well no no he's not home yet yeah but he should be ready when he's home okay okay I'll go make it I'll go make it oh why you going to make that let me show you how to cook who wants that in their life who wants that in their life now the mom may as well be the best person on Earth but when it comes to the marriage and taking care of our son she doesn't think anybody could take care of our son better than her so she kind of has a little bit of a tiff with the wife because ah I raised him for 20 30 years well you took him who do you think you are and it's a little thing it's not good to live next to you it's the reality it's just the reality that's where the T itself says in leave the parents house not because they're bad people they're just not good for your marriage you go you visit they visit and so on you know when time allows and it's appropriate and so on but the problem is people think no no because I get along with my parents because she gets along with my parents we should live together mistake mistake many times people make these mistakes also with who they pick to marry and they pick a woman that's more successful than them pick a woman that's on a higher Society level than they are and what ends up happening is before they know it they become a little puppy oh honey we're going there but I don't want to go there okay well we're going to go there anyway yeah but I I I got to sheer to go to okay it's fine you have a Sho but we're going there because my parents are there or because my boss is there or because his this is there you have a wife like that most likely you're not going to go to Gom that's say you're most likely you're not going to go to Gom you know why you're going to live in Gom your whole life a wife like that is going to be a very difficult wife why is going to tell you what to do all day it's not a good it's not a good life it's not a good life it's not a good life why because you picked her because she has more money than you she has a more established career than and you figure that this is going to be better for me says otherwise says otherwise you have to pick someone that's again lower than you I'm not talking about go look for in in the homeless shelter go look for anybody that says hi not saying that but again don't be like one of these fools and thinks I'm going to marry into money I'm going to marry cuz she has money I'm going to marry cuz our father's accomplished don't do that if they happen to be fine but don't look for that stuff why it's a trap the Trap that cause a lot of problems and I know a few places a few times I've had people that I know that did made this mistake thought that they were winning a lot of ticket and it was the biggest mistake in their life in one case the uh the guy was actually pretty successful he became a lawyer uh did well for himself but his wife that he chose came from a family that has you know the amount of money that you could pretty much do whatever you want planes and and and and helicopters even in their wedding their wedding didn't allow him to invite whoever he wanted so no no no you only have uh 50 guests yeah but there's 500 people yeah 500 people but when 50 from your family they didn't allow him to invite the people he wanted to to the wedding he said okay let this go whatever it's just a wedding who cares let me just get married you know thinking I'm going to get some of this money anyway who cares who cares who cares he didn't realize that he's marrying the father not the daughter every single day the father would come to the house and check and this and torture him he survived about 2 3 years and then he said okay the heck with all of it leaving left the whole thing nightmare but that's what happened that's what happens it's a uh many times you have these people that think that they are going to marry into High Society like that's their ticket in thear tells us is a very very bad idea you could try it but like it says it's not a sin to try you know going against this it's just not listening to good advice now this brings us to a point of really understanding you know who really you should marry who really should marry because in today's world love and lust are synonymous most people think that they love the person they're marrying little do they know they don't even know what love is yet they lust but they think it's love and for most people they can actually live an entire life who just lost and no love whatsoever because they still don't know what it really is and many times it's because we're constantly trying to fit into an image that we think Society puts us into and that's how we're supposed to be there was a famous story that one said that came from Shalom and uh he said that uh one time a uh couple came to him and the guy was uh from uh from Tunisia you know old old uh Safari and he had a wife for several years young sadika you know modest and righteous do speak much but they show up to to the okay that's it I've had it with her I'm leaving her why why why you want to get why no no it's not for me not to me what happened as you would have it this guy got married and uh you know he said you know what I'm going to invite some of my uh friends to the house have a nice kafla at the house with some of his friends from work so he brought his friends from work and they came and they had you know there's a few beers and there's a few uh uh nuts and peanuts and this and that and you know the friends are looking around all laughing and this and that look where's your wife oh she's uh she's in the room room so they start laughing at him like what is that maid what happened to your wife how come your wife is not like with the guys talking to us and stuff what kind of wife is this you know his wife was sadik what business does she have hanging out with the guys she saw he's with his friends okay she went to the room and that's it she's praying T what she what what you going to do hang out with guys not like today's people think no if she done hanging out with the guy something wrong with her demented she sees her husband's with some people okay she goes to her room that's it so the guys who didn't know anything about Torah they start making fun of him ah you would you marry a clean lady what you marry me ah you need to find a nice girl that's going to hang out with us it's going to be like one of the boys this that and they really hit home with him after they left he said that's it I've had it with this one he goes to the RAB goes I want to get I don't want this one I don't want this one I don't want this one okay poor woman what she going to do she's crying over there she's what she going to say this guy doesn't want me I did everything right he doesn't want me he wants somebody that's uh from a Kut that's what he wants so gives it the get not long passes not long passes the friends say oh you left her we're g to find you a girl they bring him one of these Z from the from the K boots walks around with a tank top like one of the guy hey hey heyy he hey you want to be one of those people one of those people yeah okay married okay Ellen okay so they have a friend guys come on I want to show you my new wife come to the house yeah okay so the guys come back all this happening literally within a month all the guys come to the house you know the same thing some peanuts and some beer some this and that and the girl the the wife is sitting over there you know like the guys they have you know tank tops she has tank tops on they look like they're drunk she looks like shek everything was the same same thing everybody sitting over there so the guy that was married to his other first wife for a few years he's used to you know the wife taking care of stuff you know you know go get some things different little things help the guest whatever but the girl is with them and everybody's laughing so he says to his wife he wants to impress the guysi come on throw a couple of burgers make us for us she says what thr who says make make me the guys a couple of burgers or maybe something to eat she looks at him huh what do you think I'm a waitress go make it yourself make yourself make me one two the guys are laughing having a ball on this this guy just told them oo you know like those gu oh snap oh you know like those guys like to heat up the volcano like that that's even 40 years ago even 40 years ago it was shame like this oh she go oh yeah okay you know what happened he said oh oh he starts yelling at her like from tunise from tunise you don't talk to me like this know you know like that starts she takes the beer bottle on the right the beer bottle left his whole face head full of blood they call cops they call the uh they break them up they call the ambulance take him to the hospital his whole face is full of blood his head is full of blood he comes back after he's released from the hospital he comes back to with the first wife he says I want to marry her and I want to divorce the other one but she said she's not going to listen to me unless you say so no one touched her no one looked at her she left her have to marry her again but he says other why I don't want to be with anymore I want to be with this one I want to be my first wife I made a mistake and the girl says listen only if the says sends them to a well-known named Rafael and and knew the couple even better knew the situation better go to him go talk to him whatever he says I put my blood blessing on it so they go to him they tell them the situation andan says after two beer bottles to the head he learned his lesson you can marry him he'll respect you now he'll take care of you now couple of beer bottles to the head you learn a lesson but that's the thing sometimes guys and girls marry people because of other people they marry people because of other people what they look like or what they do and what this and that it's a mistake it's a very big mistake that people make time and time again because they don't understand that marriage is part of the long marathon in life marriage is part of the long marathon in life and you need this wife you need this husband in order to get to heaven if you pick the wrong one it's going to be very difficult to get there because it's very difficult to be righteous when the other person is constantly hearing you in the opposite way [Music] [Applause] [Music] the [Music] the [Applause] [Music] m e [Music] [Applause] [Music] I bu FL [Music] n [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]