Nature vs Nurture

foreign [Music] and uh they've made friends that are Jewish that along the way and uh they uh but their Jewish friends are not uh observant if those Jews are not observant because they're ignorant and because they simply don't know what they don't know but yet they're interested to know then yeah they should grow together with them you they could you know they they could be each other's uh helpers to become more religious but if the non-jewish couple is serious about their conversion but yet they see that the Jewish couple is not only not serious about Judaism but actually the opposite they Market they disregard it they uh they don't think of it as at all then you should stop hanging out with them uh uh especially on uh on uh Jewish holidays and Shabbat because number one you don't want them to make sense for you that's number one uh which is already increasing their bill as it is uh number two it could actually discourage you from converting because it's a as much as we as many times as we say it people still you know uh need to hear it over and over again which is that Jews are not always the best representation of Judaism you know it's a there are some Jews that are the greatest representation of Judaism you know the rambam the sages the people the toil over Torah the righteous women uh you know those people are the greatest representation of Judaism but you know unfortunately uh due to our many sins that that's not the majority of our people the majority of our people are quite the opposite where they disregard Torah some of them even make fun of Torah some of them are against the toy and anti-toa so those Jews those bengalians of the world those a uh uh Heretics of the world are not the best representation of Judaism so it's unfair to say that anyone that's a Jew is a uh a representation of Judaism so you have to understand that if you're serious about God you're serious about Torah you're serious about converting to Judaism and so on you have to surround yourself with people that are like-minded with the right ideology or else you risk misunderstanding what Judaism really is about and as the rambam he says that a person will be influenced by his surroundings it's just it is it is a reality I studied some psychology in school in high school and in college and so on you know and there's the famous battle nature versus nurture whether there's the genes or there's the the outside influence and the reality is both of them influence a person both of them influence a person but the rambam specifically emphasizes that the nurture the the the outside influences your friends your family your your colleagues and so on they will influence you whether you like it or not whether you're a strong person or not whether you are whatever you are if you're constantly hanging out with gangsters it's only a matter of time before that will impact you maybe you won't become a full-blown gangster and start thugging it out on the streets and doing drive-bys but you'll start talking like them you'll start acting like them a little bit you may even have a limp and that's just the reality it's a reality I mean I remember seeing it in high school it was always the kids the little white kid nothing that that but he lived among the projects and all of a sudden decided that he wants to act like one of the one of the black kids from the football team it's like why are you talking like this what do you mean son what do you mean I know your son you're 14. what are you talking about why are you talking like that why are you talking to some projects what's the matter with you and it's this little white kid and he's acting like he's like I don't know Savannah because it's influence that's what we saw that's what we saw I didn't know it was funny to hear Rabbi say that but that's I grew up around this and then you see this little white kid with his pants on his ankles and he's acting like he's like uh you know 50 Cent but he's nothing he's like a little God but guess what that also happens in the opposite happens on the opposite you have a guy hangs around a uh combination of Muslim terrorists and some white people it becomes Barack Obama same thing same thing same thing Muslim terrorists white people it becomes Barack Obama tempting does that mean that all like this and all like this but you are going to be influenced by your surroundings yes I'm not politically correct no so the point is the point is is that you have a situation you have a reality you have a reality deal you have to you have to mock it a little bit just to lighten the issue but you have to you have to be realistic with yourself you have to be realistic with yourself if you're gonna hang out with thugs you're going to be influenced with them if you're gonna hang out with Michael Shabbat you're going to be influenced with them if you're going to hang out with Heretics you're going to be influenced by them that's just the reality now what do you do if you are in the process of chuva you're getting stronger but your surroundings are not that's the real question that's the deeper question why because there are many of the people that are watching this year and are laughing along with you are are in that process they are changing but the world around them hasn't caught up yet what do you do then just today I got a question from a nice kid who used to be a sports fanatic used to love TV and so on and so forth and now all you care about is learning to them so his question is very different today than it was a year ago two years ago why two years ago he's asking me why are you serious about not watching sports today he's asking me listen what do I do about nut speaking mundane things on Shabbat when my family all they want to talk about is mundane things they want to talk about politics they want to talk about business they want to talk about sports they don't want to talk about what do I do that's a serious question why that's a difficult one that depends of who your surroundings are not just necessarily where they are in their life but who they are if it's friends you can replace friends like you could replace underwear but if it's parents you can't be that way you can't just abandon your parents because you decide to put a keep on because no matter who and what there you still have to be grateful to them to a certain extent now unless they specifically tell you to go violate Torah you still have to show them some type of Honor but if they tell you to violate Shabbat you are not allowed to honor them if they tell you to go out with somebody that you're not allowed to go out with and do things you know do it according to the Torah not allowed to honor them there is no honor to a heretic parent that's trying to get you to to sin but if they're accepting reasonable they're just not doing what you're doing with this relatively reasonable people you have to honor them you can't just like say listen from Sundown to sundown I'm not going to say a single word to you it's not going to work out so and by the way it won't be good for the religion either it's not a rep it's not the right representation of Judaism Judaism is not a uh you know secluded in the cave for 13 years he was an exception he was an exception the average Jew is not going into a cave for 13 years just because you decide to keep Shabbat and start learning to Allah doesn't mean that you disconnect from the whole world you have to learn how to bring the Torah to the important surroundings you have again if it's friends friends you can throw them out like underwear that's that's not no it's so important why because I you know friendship and reality the older you get the more you realize that you're lucky if you die with one friend go out friends go down friends are like you know like everybody thinks oh yeah the younger you are the more you the more uh friends you have all the you are the less friends you have why because as you get older you're more picky about who you're going to have friends when you're young you just want as many people around you as possible when you're older you want real serious people when you're a little older you want people that are honest too when you're a little older you want people that are honest good but also care about you and so on and so forth and if you're lucky you end up with one good friend so friends I wouldn't invest so much into Cavuto is a different story is not a friend who does like a marriage somebody you study talk with is like a marriage but a friend like somebody you socialize with don't invest too much into it if these people are conducive to your spiritual growth continue the relationship if they're not and in fact if they hurt your spiritual growth disconnect from them like you you would from a virus on the other hand your your uh your uh parents and siblings you have to be a little bit more careful with you have to be a little bit more uh uh more careful and and simply more uh understanding uh but at the same token you can't abandon Hashem for them either so what do you do if let's say for example this young man's question about what do you do about if you want to speak only toward the entire Shabbat and they don't really want to talk about toward the whole Shabbat so what do you do you have to do a few things number one you have to have a plan ahead don't plan on the go meaning before Shabbat start you already have to have a schedule okay I'm gonna wake up you know I'm gonna go to the shoeless right before Shabbat I'm gonna get home at such and such time from the issue after that we're gonna have dinner I already have one or two things to say about the weekly polish shop then after I say it or whenever I say during that time anybody else is going to talk I'm gonna try to stay as quiet as possible and let everybody else talk whatever they want to talk I'm not going to tell them not to breathe let them talk let them do whatever they gotta do why because that's where they are in their life now if they ask me to talk what I'm gonna do while they're talking is try to scan their words and try to figure out where I can take something that I learned and fit it into their conversation so he's talking about President so I'm going to talk about he's talking about politics I'm going to talk about the fight between he's talking about so use the things you studied to tell them oh you know what that's interesting because I learned something similar in my learning in my Torah and try to bring the Torah into their conversation to show them how the Torah is relevant now if you haven't studied enough if you haven't studied enough to to know how to fit the towards the conversation then you shouldn't really be so judgmental of them and also then you shouldn't be so disrupted in the first place you know so but if you can't fit the tour into everything then okay try to fit the Torah so many words try to finish dinner then try to say okay I got my learning schedule good night and don't stay till you know the whole night with everybody else yeah I have my learning schedule you finish dinner you hang out with everybody for a little while be social be nice be cordial and so on try to see if people are responsive to what you're saying if they're responsive if they're into it continue the whole night with them but if you see that they're completely oblivious and careless about Torah they care less they they're mocking it and everything else pick your legs up bye bye way to go oh I gotta learn no but we're talking okay you're talking oh I gotta listen I have a schedule I have uh this is you know this is my life I have to finish this track date I have to finish this book I have to finish this and people by the way in the beginning they'll bust your chops a little bit but over time they'll respect you why because you have a system you have a schedule you know when they won't respect you when they know you're full of it how do I know you're full of it because one day you're like this another daily like this one that you with the book another that you're watching sports with them one day with the book I know that you have a girlfriend one day with the book you know that you're cursing like a truck driver so if you're really serious ultimately everybody's gonna say this guy is serious and they'll respect you for it but if you're a hypocrite then guess what they're going to call you out for it and they'll mock you more than uh you can even imagine why because it's funny it's funny that you're pretending to be something that you're not and they're right so that's the thing so if the the people around you especially parents are conducive to your spiritual growth stay close to them and little by little they'll grow with you if they're hurting you you know sometimes you have to make a very difficult decision you have to run away from them now if it's your parents and like I said if they're anti-tola and there's nothing to do about it then even that you'll have to cut off but hopefully you're you know you're not in that situation but if it's friends friends don't uh try try try a few times but uh don't uh sacrifice your life for them [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you foreign [Music] foreign [Music]