Shidduchim, Marriage Proposal, Buying Fish, Holding Grudge | STR COMPILATION #6

[Music] when a date is set up by aan and two people meet for the first time but notice many negative traits that are deal breakers are we allowed to share with the Shan about all the bad traits noticed in details or will it be since she knows the other party as well what if parents want to know the reason why the potential isn't good can we share details with them it's very thin ice very thin ice to walk on you're only allowed to talk about such things to a person that could help the situation so to talk to the sh about it would NE wouldn't necessarily be as problematic as talking to the parents about it uh and the reason why is because even though let's say for example you found you saw that the person let's say is not clean he's not a clean guy or she's not a clean woman they walk around dirty or they smell or whatever it is now if you tell the this person is not clean and you're you you know obviously you don't care for that so you don't want to go on another date then even though that's not good news that can actually help that person because now the Shan can tell the person listen uh you know the uh the reason why the broke is because you're not you didn't look clean so you have to wor take care of that in order not to ruin further so in essence in that case you'd be helping the person so that that communication would be to his help to his favor to her favor uh so you can do such a thing but again as long as you do it with uh with tact and so on now as far as to parents to parents it's a little bit more problematic and the reason why is because many times the parents can't do anything about it to help that other person so if you tell him listen this person you know uh you know was a wasn't clean or he had a big nose or he had a small nose or his eyes were looking in two different directions all these different things perhaps you didn't like or he talked too much or he talked too little unless you're still interested in Aid and you're looking for guidance of how you should react to those negative traits there's no purpose of sharing that information with them meaning to tell him that you didn't like him because he was this and because he was that after you've already broken the AL together and you're not insuring going back it doesn't really present much value uh and if anything it could create a problem why because once you tell your mom oh yeah this guy he uh he doesn't stop talking and he uh he does no one knows but he goes gambling and I didn't like it so now your mom is going to go tell our friends yeah yeah my daughter she R A with Ste over here but she broke it off he's no good oh why why is he no good why is he no good oh yeah you never heard oh yeah Steve gambles and before you know it the whole Community the whole Community knows that Steve gambles and again even though it's wrong for Steve to gamble still it didn't it wasn't supposed to become public property so really the only time you're allowed to say such things is to someone that could help the person that you're talking about it's very very famous story uh that uh I heard recently that there was a uh group of girls and one of them one of them they uh got married got got engaged one from girl got engaged and uh her two so-called best friends you know the best friends you knowbody best friend my best friend my best friend those people yeah those best friends got a little jealous why they saw that she shopping for for fora with the dress and she talking about the she can't stop talking about him he's so great I can't wait to marry him so the girls got jealous so one time they were on the bus they started talking about they said he listen can you believe she's she's getting married and the other one said yeah I can't believe I can't believe that poor guy is marrying her yeah you're right I was I was thinking yeah he's such a nice guy I saw him he knows my cousin and he definitely deserves better he doesn't realize this girl is the worst girl in the world world she doesn't stop snoring I remember in Camp she was snoring and also she's a liar and also this and also that tell yeah but that's not only that I also know that this this this and that and the whole bus ride they're going going and talking about it finally they get to the stop they get off and a woman gets off with them and she says hey ladies I want to talk to you for a second yeah says I want to thank you says for what just I want to thank you very very much you saved my son's life the girl like who's your son my son was about to marry that girl he's about to marry that girl no yeah but now after I know the truth about this girl I'm going to call my husband right now I'm going to call we're going to break off the wedding no way we're not going to have a wedding I'm not going to destroy my son like this with this rotten girl she's terrible she smells funny I knew it the girls started hysterical crying no no no no no we didn't mean it no no no we didn't mean it she really doesn't smell no it's really this no I was just saying because I was ja no no no I'm sorry no no you already told me I know she smells funny and she's a liar and she's a thief and all the things you guys are saying that's it I'm calling it off I'm calling the wedding off no please they started hysterical crying for five minutes straight they're begging her no don't call off the wedding they realize they're going to destroy this girl's life this girl is already in the wedding already practically and the mom is about to break up the wedding why because they said these two five minutes of crying hysterical realizing what their big mouths have caused after five minutes the woman says to them okay don't worry I'm not going to call off the wedding oh thank you so much thank you no no but it's not because you're saying thank you I'm not going to call off the wedding because I'm not his mother but I wanted to show you how much damage you can cause if I was his mother the girls were shocked to say the least even more shocked than thinking that she was the mother why because now they have a lesson that will last for the rest of their life before they open their big mouths before they open their big mouths point is you're only allowed to say certain things about somebody else if it's for the purpose of helping them and even then you have to be very careful or you're only allowed to say certain things about somebody else if it's to warn somebody else meaning if that person is a thief if that person is a heretic if that person is a missionary and so on and so forth and you you're warning people you're warning even the public to do it but just simply talk about people when they can't really do anything for that person it's absolutely forbidden you should look into the there's a whole series of uh it's a book if it's in English I believe it's probably three or four books that uh translated to English and there's a whole you know Encyclopedia of teaching that the K uh put together to teach us about all the laws of of of in so many words in so many words if you don't want to say don't talk about other people that's that's that's pretty much the the rule of thumb don't talk about other people unless you're warning people about a dangerous person everything else even if it's allowed you're playing it's on thin ice it's on thin ice how are people not scared to death publicizing something like that in the name of a big rabbi oh when a person has no uh they don't have a uh you know any fear of any Rabbi or anything as we learned from abrah ainu abah ainu told the the people that uh and told U uh that uh the only reason why he said that his wife Sarah was a sister is because he says I saw that there's no in here and they'll kill me over my wife meaning that they'll see all she's married to him so let's just take him out of the picture and now she's single but if she's a sister that means she's single so when people have no then uh they will do anything so much so thear says you should not put yourself in danger you should not put yourself in danger what kind of danger don't ever be in a room alone with someone that does not have doesn't have fear of God like to be in a room alone with an atheist or her take alone no no one's there it's at night sometime or it's a there's nobody else in the Y you're alone if anybody could walk in and out and you're in a meeting no problem but if you're a room you're alone you're the only two in an office you're the only two in a house or something like that says you're putting your life in danger why someone does not have is always suspected they may kill you if you get them angry so point is the already tells us that if a person has no he's uh always suspected of a potential killer or being a potential murderer needless to say to make forgery uh in documents so it's it's just an issue of having no according to the Tora how should a man propose to a woman what is allowed and what is forbidden and what is the most Kosher Way very very good question I don't think we've gotten this question before in uh in public uh so Jewish dating is very different than secular dating for a few reasons number one there is no intimacy allowed whatsoever when you are a Jew and you're dating no intimacy whatsoever not even holding hints not even a a kiss on a cheek nothing not allowed to touch the girl the girl is not allowed to touch you that's Jewish dating Jewish dating is about getting to know the person and connecting connecting the and making sure that you have similar ideology and you want to grow together no touching whatsoever why because you don't want anything to distort your opinion such as lustrous uh thoughts and otherwise so when you become physical with somebody that automatically creates lustrous thoughts and can easily Cloud your mind in your judgment so there's no intimacy whatsoever even holding hands again I emphasize even holding hands is not allowed in Jewish dating okay that's number one number two Jewish dating is usually not a very longterm process because there's no physicality and so on it's not very long I mean some people and some for example uh they are very stringent in regards to this where they give a maximum of three dates this is not the standard but nonetheless there are some that I know that maximum three dates you go on three dates you decide if you want to get married or not if you're not getting married for three dates move on so that's that's their Min that's not common that's not common though most uh in others there's many dates some five some 10 some as many as you need to decide decide that you want to get married but that doesn't mean you're going to be dating for 3 years like uh like the secular world does why because at that point once you get to a point where it's already many months the the feelings already start getting created even without and uh you end up falling in in a test so Jewish dating generally speaking is shorter term I would say let's say a few months at most I have a uh a uh a students that have literally dated three times and they decide to get married even though neither one of them grew up in aish family uh and I have some students that it took them two months 3 months to dat and they decide to get married so it all depends but generally speaking it's not very long it's not you know we're dating for nine years or a year and then decide to get married none of that stuff so that's the say that's another thing Jewish dating is very short and there's no intimacy another thing is is that the main focus of Jewish dating is getting to know each other not spending any time going out on any double dates or getting to know each other's family or or or all that stuff first you want to get to know each other why cuz you're marrying each other you're not marrying each other's family you're not marrying each other's dog you're not marrying each other's friends generally speaking it's better not to go on double dates at all why you're not going to develop anything good out of that double date it may be enjoyable but you're not you're not going to know if you want to get married or not as a result of that the whole point of Jewish dating is that it has to be productive has to be productive you have to ask certain questions and in essence get to know the person once the uh once the uh discomfort is out of the way and uh you know who she is she knows who you are you know how old how uh what's your favorite color how many brothers and sisters you have all the basic Mumble jumo that takes a little bit of time in the beginning after that you can start talking about real things okay what do you plan to do how do you see your life how many kids do you want to have uh where would would you want to live I what would you do first thing and you know the dating gets serious and then I tell people that as if you're really really serious you've already dated you've gotten through all the basics now you have to start playing house meaning not touch each other but uh rather Play House mean you start asking questions of okay so let's say we got married because at that point already you are very serious about each other and you're actually thinking about getting married you say let's say we did get married what happens now okay wedding we had the wedding we had it in the hall you picked with the cater I picked and uh the all that stuff okay day after marriage then what what do we do what time do we wake up oh I wake up at 10:00 oh 10 o00 I'm already at work at 7 so there goes the first uh argument okay can I continue staying till 10 no absolutely not yeah but I don't need to go to work I'm going to be the housewife doesn't matter why would you sleep till 10 or some guy would say sleep till 12 what do I care so that's the point you have to have a discussion about that then is okay so wake up at this time we'll go to okay what you going to work you going to learn you're going to do both uh you know what do we do who's going to do the shopping who's going to take out the garbage who's a uh going to uh you know which Rabbi we're going to go watch uh if if there is any other Rabbi that we would watch other than Rabbi ruven uh point is we ask we ask all these different questions and uh you you go through the whole thing you you literally go through a day then you go through a week then you go through a month then you go through a year where do you want to be a year from now then you go through five years where do you want to be five years from now and you could even go 10 years these discussions could literally last a century but the point is you're supposed to get a very good idea because that's usually the time where there's going to be the most amount of differences that matter and you have to decide if they matter or they don't matter now once you've gone through this part you decided okay we agree on most things we've settled on other things we learn how to uh cope with everything else okay let's get married the marriage at that point is not like the secular world where it's a complete surprise oh he he took me to to a to a field he took me to a baseball game and there was a balloon in the sky telling me will you marry me that's only in movies and in G world that's not am am is an Essence a decision that's Mutual it's a decision that's Mutual by the time he asked her to marry him that already that decision is simply made already meaning we've agreed to do it surely you can make you could be romantic you could buy a nice dinner and flowers and so on uh and a ring whatever but there's no like it's not really that much of a surprise first of all second of all forbidden to kneel on your knee forbidden to kneel on your knee why she's not God Jews are not allowed to to to uh kneel on a knee to anybody other than a no kneeling you could sit down she could sit down and you're both sitting down say ah listen I want to marry you I love you I care for you I think we grow blah blah blah all that good stuff yeah after she says yes no kissing no hugging even though you're going to get married tomorrow that make a difference still no affection until after the wedding assuming she's T there's no kneeling whatsoever after you've decided after after you decideed this is a good person now if you have good manners if you have good manners before you even ask the girl to marry you you should go and speak to her father if her father is a if he's observant if he's Torah observant then uh you want to get his okay you want to give him the respect that uh and the honor that you want to uh marry his daughter and you want to have his a uh you know his okay uh but I can tell you something I tell you something Unfortunately today if you haven't noticed most Jewish people are not as religious as we would like for them to be hence the reason why we do this Shing okay so because of that there are many secular people and there are many secular minded religious people that instead of caring about their daughter or their son building a Jewish Home they care about reputation so sometimes you would have it where a parent a parent will make the mistake of getting in the way of a marriage of their child telling their daughter not to marry a certain young man because a certain young man doesn't come from a family that's good enough or he doesn't have the right color or the right height or the right bank account or the right something complete Prejudice disgusting Behavior but they say classy like I If no it's not good for you first and foremost you should no that parent is not only making a sin from the tah by getting in the way of that Z that parent life is on the line meaning a is very likely to kill that parent that's how bad it is you look at the you look at you look at several other places talk about people that get in the way of a their life is on the line the fact that they're alive every day is a miracle a miracle I've had this situation a few times people come to me and tell me listen my father doesn't want me to marry this girl my father doesn't want me to marry this guy my mother doesn't want this my mother does that I said you love your parents yeah that's why I'm asking you I said okay if you love them don't listen to them why they're making a sin from the T don't listen to them if the boy is good the girl is good they keep they they them the person you're picking is a good person they're not a you know a crackhead they're not a gangster they're good they keep T they keep mitah they're just not rich or they're just I not asaz or they're not nonsense but they're good person that's it marry them don't listen to your parents yeah but what if they don't come to the wedding don't come what if they disown me let them disown you why if you love your parents you're not going to listen to them why it's a sin to listen to them if they tell you not to marry somebody even if they tell you to delay the wedding it's a sin to delay the wedding not allowed to delay the wedding talks very harshly on people that delay weddings literally puts the person's life on the line so this unfortunately is becoming more and more common where parents cause their kids disaster they end up leading their kids to sin sins this the kids end up going against theem because they're trying to please their parents why they're not letting her marry him they're not letting him marry her so what do they do okay you know what I love you I love you I want to marry him but they don't want us to get married Mar let's act like we're married anyway or better yet okay she doesn't want to marry okay so you know I'll just find anybody they end up cheating or doing and doing all types of things and that's an again that parent becomes a ra writes in is a person that withholds his Chu doesn't allow him to do chuva in a normal way so if you're a person that knows another person or you yourself are in a person where your parents are telling you not to get married to a specific person that's a good quality person that keeps and has really nothing wrong with them it's just that they prefer somebody else for you that they believe is better do not listen to them do not listen to them and I've actually had situations where I told the parents to their face I told the parents to their face they're making a big sin and they're going to get punished for it if they don't change right away and I told this to them right next to their kids and I told their kids not to listen to their parents why because it's for their parents good that the kid doesn't listen to them am I allowed to buy fish from a non-jewish store or do I have to buy it from a Jewish store and also am I allowed to buy whole fish from a nonu store very good question so as far as fish is concerned um if a person is buying a Kosher fish a Jewish person they're buying a Kosher fish then it has to be a complete fish has to be a complete fish with fins and scale or it has to be uh you know uncooked meaning you can buy a fish like if they chop their head off but you can still has a skin on it has fins and scale no problems no problem the fact is the point is that you have to be able to tell that this is a Kosher fish you cannot you cannot buy a fish if it was a uh from a non-jew if it was uh let's say even a Kosher fish but they uh smoked it like for example somebody asked me recently can I buy smoked salmon or some other type of fish from a non-jewish store absolutely not absolutely not if it's a Kosher fish and it has the fins and scales on it you can buy it no problem if it's a uh if you can tell that it's a Kosher fish no problem you can buy it from a uh uh non-jewish store but if it's a uh um just something that was cooked or you can't really tell whether it's a Kosher fish or not because they've already feted and so on you should not buy the fish from anywhere that's not Kosher because many times to tell you it's one thing but it's really not and you have yourself a very serious problem should we forgive someone who has no idea they did anything wrong to us and would never admit it what can we do to remove this Grudge from our heart does this bring harm to us if we try to forgive but our heart can't forget the Jewish people are forbidden it's forbidden for them to hold a grudge forbidden for them to hold a grudge as well as forbidden for them to take revenge it's a in I think it'sah 243 he says talks about how it's forbidden to have any Grudge against someone else or the following mitvah take any revenge against someone else because in essence when you have a grudge against someone else you're in essence instilling power in that person that they had the power to harm you without Hashem authorizing it and instead of realizing that Hashem only authorized them to harm you because you made sins so it's forbidden for us to have any grudge against anyone else or to take revenge against someone else unless it's monetary meaning unless they stole money from you or took advantage you monetarily you're allowed to have a grudge against them until they return the money for everything else not allowed to have a grudge uh because again anything that they do bad to you is in essence approved by God it's approved by God so the most important thing for a person to do is to do chuva to learn more and more about character traits more and more about developing themselves and getting themselves closer to Hashem by understanding their own flaws and the more you understand your own flaws and start working on fixing your own flaws the more merciful you are going to become on other people's flaws the reason why we're very judgmental on other people many times is because we are not judgmental on ourselves we're judgmental on others because we're not judgmental enough on ourselves when we're judgmental on our elves we become more merciful on others so the more judgmental of yourself for the sake of positive things meaning to fix yourself the more judgmental on yourself you are in order to improve yourself the more merciful you will become on other people and the less likely you are to hold that Grudge for a very long time and so long as you still have a grudge that means that you have not completed your chat you have to do it now whether that brings harm or not I'll give you two examples in this week's in this week's par we see that yadik meets with his brothers now in next week's par yadik uncovers the secret that he is the brother he is the brother he is the viscero and they end up uh reconnecting after a very extraordinary scene where they all literally die from EMB harassment and then hasem resurrects them but the point is that they all end up moving to Egypt and he takes care of them but at the end of next week's par it says that YF died at the age of 110 YF died at the age of 110 and the say the reason why YF died earlier than the rest of his brothers by 10 years is because YF never truly forgave his brothers he never truly forgave them even though he was able to deal with them cope with them be nice to them he never truly forgave them and that cost him 10 years of his life now ysep had 120 years in this world who says we have 120 years so to lose 10 years for not forgiving is obviously very expensive on the other hand what about the brothers that weren't forgiven the mid says that because ysf never truly forgave his brothers they all could not complete their their their mission in the world and had to be reincarnated as the 10 Martyrs the 10 sikim at the time of the and time of the mikash the 10im that were murdered in the most vicious horrific way you can humanly possibly comprehend it's just something that is uh is is beyond you and just what they did to them for examplea they peeled this skin layer by layer while he was alive layer by layer and eventually sold his meat in the market to eat they burned him with a seph but they made sure to put a sponge on his heart to make sure that he continues staying alive for as long as possible and so on and so forth you want to go and to see about 10 Martyrs the 10 sikim that were murdered and Cold Blood by the and you see goes into details also and other places but I believe goes into I think all of them anyway a uh the uh tragedy here was uh not for no reason why because these these these 10 Martyrs were The Reincarnation of theim of the tribe the 10 tribes and the only reason they had to come back and live a whole life be big just like they were is because yourf did not forgive them did not forgive them so that means that holding a grudge not only hurts yourself but it also hurts the person that you have a grudge on so please do as best as you can to do as much chuva as you can to eliminate any Grudge because the more you understand how hasem runs the world the more you're going to understand that any harm that comes to you or any good that comes to you is only from hasem [Applause] [Music]