Parashat Tzav: How to Build A Happy Marriage

okay so is comes from the word command so that's the name of the par but also the numerical value of it is 96 you know Gat the each each letter in the Hebrew alphabet has a has a numerical value sadik is 90 V is uh 6 96 but one of the amazing things what is 96 who cares about 96 that this parasa has 96 verses uh so it's very interesting how you see that uh in in Hebrew if you're a person with that likes math and you like to do calculations you can have a field day with Hebrew you can have a field day with the Torah because there's so much math in Torah because everything always adds up and and is the whether it's the numbers of uh of letters in a certain parasha whether it's the different scientific proofs um countless proofs using math uh even though I don't necessarily spend that much time doing Gat or anything like that I always find things like that interesting because this shows that this book couldn't have been written by a human being because a human being for them to write the story itself will take a different you know already a difficulty to know how many verses are in the uh you know know you know writing 96 verses is not necessarily the big deal the big deal is that the core part of what this Paras is about is about a specific command so it's about the word and so using that word and having that word add to the same exact number of verses that you're going to use to describe the story that uh takes place it's not it's divine it's not something that's uh something that a human being the regardless of how smart the people are it's not something the human being can do so it talks about again about the issue of corot uh this uh this par is uh not necessarily in order as far as the storyline because uh again a lot of people make the mistake that they think that the um the each is technically in uh in order meaning that uh right after Egypt we had Mount saai and there's a certain story we went to the desert and then we went to uh to Israel so that's the general story line but the par that we have in the Tora not necessarily always in that order meaning that sometimes you're going to have a like this particular event that actually happened before last week's event so it's not necessarily always in order there's and that's why they uh they always say that there's no um uh first or last in the tah meaning that sometimes you're you're going to have certain lessons that hasem put specifically here because right now is specifically a time that you need to learn this not necessarily because this took place exactly after last week's events so it's more about relevance than it is about order but the overall story lines as far as from the beginning of tat to the end obviously that's in order but uh again you uh the intricate details in between are not necessarily always in uh in order as far as time is concerned so this again talks about the uh the kote it talks abouton and his sons getting the priesthood becoming Aron becoming the the first K which technically was he was the second K because Moses was the first KAG for that first week until the inauguration process that uh Aaron had to go through was completed which took about a week or took exactly a week uh Moshe had that position he was the so becoming a is not like becoming president of the United States or of Israel or any any or our king or anything like that this is a very very intricate process that not only do you need to be elected by the one above above not by people uh but aside from that there's a very very intricate and interesting and sometimes strange ritual that has to take place of how to do it uh and this par talks about a lot of it now talking about the different things that they did where they picked up thean and certain ways and things like that we'll go over some of that but realistically as we always try to do is prove number one that Torah is relevant to us every week regardless of the story being written 3,00 300 years ago or not uh and second all is look at the specific details that are in the story itself that we can learn for because they apply to our life so the beginning of this says spoke to Moses saying command Aaron and his sons saying this is the law of the elevation offering this is one of the kot there's several different types of coob not that you can do it is the elevation offering that stays on the flame on the altar all night until the morning and the fire of the altar should remain a flame on it okay so again he's telling them this is one of the specific types of KOB notee that uh hem wants uh Moshe to tell Aon and his sons to do but the key is that he's telling him usually AEM when he says something to Moshe to do you remember it from let's say for examp say to you know say to Israel doesn't say is command it's a strong word and that's the name of the par so what is what is being what is Kaz teaching us about this tells us that here hasem wants to teach us a very very valuable lesson about his it's not just about learning toah it's not just about learning the basics it's about actually the action of Judaism because Judaism is a religion of action it's not a religion of belief and of the of something theoretical Judaism is a religion where you have to do stuff soem says here's a time where I'm telling you to do something this is how you're going to do this kban you're going to go through this certain process but I command you why command because it says when you do my mitv I want I want you to be zealous I want you to be excited I want you to be into it do a Mitzvah get into it have joy when you're doing the mitvah not be one of these Mis where like oh I have to eat kosher again oh I have to keep Shabbat again ah it's Shabbat again I can't wait for Sunday oh I have to do this oh I have to go to the mik oh I have to go pray again which unfortunately a lot of people do either in unintentionally really because if you're already doing it you might as well get into it because you're doing it because realistically Hashem is telling you that if you're doing it and you're not zealous about it yeah you're going to get credit for it but it's not even a fraction of what you would get if you're really excited about it so this by itself this first verse if we learn just enough from this first just one word the name of the par itself can change our entire entire Judaism because if you start thinking about it listen when hasem told abah a Ab give me your son your only son had two sons technically isma and but he said your only son he didn't consider ish his son the one you love love both of them love both of them no no no the one you really love and I want and he told him I want him to be a Coan I want you to kill him pretty much for me make him make him the Coan and then it says went there in the morning didn't just go he could have went hm didn't tell him come tomorrow morning and do it he said come do the Coran do it tomorrow he didn't say he could have done it in the afternoon could have done in the evening he didn't have to run but didn't even ask a question the very next morning early early in the morning when most people were or everybody was pretty much still sleeping he got on on it and started going towards the mountain to kill his son for hasem that's zealous that's someone that not only didn't question Hashem not only did he do what Hashem asked him to do but was excited about it the whole time that's zealous if we can have even a fraction of that zealous type of degree that had our entire Judaism changes Shabbat becomes different eating becomes different imagine every time you say amen amen I didn't do I did the blessing before so I I didn't say she the way it's supposed to say I said but the point I'm trying to make here is when you say you break it up into three not supposed to say and just just run through it why because you have to have a kavana what are you saying here you're saying that hasem creates everything AEM is everything that deserves a little bit more respect than give me the drink already even though this is just a cup of water do you know how many Miracles have to go through to happen for this cup of water to exist and again so to have the attitude of being zealous can change something as simple as a something as simple as doing feeling something as simple as anything else that you do so just from this first sentence it's a life Cher already you just got to pay attention to the details so I think that that is something that I found very very interesting about the Paras because again it's a um it's something that's uh could really change our life the second thing is also explains that from this uh T and just in general the first several verses is that um the specific point that he found that they found in out of out of this versus all of the other Corban note is that this is the one Corban that has to do with money loss meaning you have to spend money to do it a lot of money but aside from that is usually this type of Corban leads to money loss you're losing work and things like that and he specifically says these are the these are the mitv they you should be zealous with these are the ones you should really be excited to do because that's really telling us that you know the P from sh when you're giving but you're giving just because you already know that you have the deal that you just closed it's going to give you the money that whatever you're giving it it's going to give you five times that already it's good you give when you're giving before the deal closed without even thinking about the deal because you want to do what hasem wants that's being zealous that's the key that's what we want to aim for that's our goal the next thing is the mid explains that um in the same verse it says the the word this is the law of the elevation offering so why does it say this is to what's what's the significant meaning of this is that it's telling you this is the law of this specific Coan but to know that at times that we don't have the ability to Doan we don't have the bet mikash we don't have the Tabernacle we don't have all of this stuff anymore you turn into your own bet mdash you are your own temp temple as a Jew you are your own Temple what does that mean if they praised and K and made the temple holy then the temple was holy if they put beautiful things in it if they put a lot of prayers in it a lot of spirituality in it it was full of Kusa full of Holiness and the temple was holy the first temple was on a higher level than the second temple forget about being more beautiful and a much more significant degree and so on and so forth I'm talk about based on Kusa the first one was higher than the second one so someone can come say yeah but you know what of course it was more holy because it had the uh Ten Commandments in there the original ones and the new ones the second ones that we got the ones that were broken and the other ones the second one didn't have it it had certain had the in there it was beauti what more beautiful was bigger and so on and so forth okay but why is it that if you remove all of that beauty and you go to the Tabernacle that we had in a desert desert is not exactly the most beautiful place in the world all the time but the one we had in a desert is holier than both of the other ones it's a higher level than both so it's not about the beauty as far as material Beauty it's the beauty as far as spiritual connection with hem and the level we reached in the desert was the highest level that we ever had so when Hashem is telling us you are your own Temple it means that you can be as holy as you make yourself if you want to be a sadik you have the ability to be a sadik if you want to be a rash you're going to be a rash forget about the uniform and the beard and the hats and all of that other stuff you want to do it do it but as far as being kados as far as being holy it's within your own control your own ability obviously the more you try the more hasem will give you as far as the feeling and ability and insight and knowledge to is not necessarily something that you just learn like you learn math to is something that you're actually gifted you exert a certain amount of effort in math let's say you're going to get the same amount of results in t you exert a certain amount of effort you'll get some results you exert even more effort you'll get three or four times what you got the first time with the same exact effort so it's not necessarily because of your effort that you got three or four times it's because a AEM saw that you deserve it it's not like math or normal subjects so the same thing is with if you want to make yourself holy there are certain things that you can do that initially look extremely difficult but in the long run it becomes such an amazing way of life that to see the rest of the world around you living any any other way becomes very very uh troubling because you start looking at I don't understand what they are asking you how could you have one week out of the we out of the uh one day out of the week that you don't drive and you don't smoke and you don't do this or how can you have only your food or how can you uh I don't know whatever whatever other things people ask and you're looking at them the other way how can you live with your wife half naked all the time how can you live uh with a uh life that you don't have a break all seven days a week are the same how can you live a life you know you look you're thinking you're crazy you think they're crazy but who's really crazy here well it's them because why because they're looking for something you already have they just don't don't know what they're looking for you already found it but you don't understand how they're over there like it's it's just there's a huge gap between the two so Hashem is telling you here that by being zealous by being excited by being having a lot of ambition just like we do for work and money and all the you know things of this world that we have being just as excited about MIT will change you from one person to a completely different level of different level of person and that's that's I think um again just within the first verse it's something that's enough to change your life the second thing is also is the uhan was a very very important part of the BET mikdash and in general the way we sacrifice to Hashem because that was the way that we repented for certain sins in our days since we don't have it our Corban is our table that we eat at every time that you eat whether it's by yourself or with your family whether it's in the morning afternoon or night you have to make sure that you say a few words of every single time someone in on that table has to say why because since it's thean it has to be holy but if somebody just came if one of the one of the put the thing put the uh instead of going through the whole ritual of what you're supposed to like they giving us miss last week details of what you need to do instead they said listen you know what I'll burn it a little bit and I'll just start eating they didn't go through the whole process Shem wouldn't be too happy as a matter of fact the punishment is correct death same thing with our D table when we have dinner when we have lunch any time that we're eating there's a table we're not eating like uh animals in the middle of the street reading somewhere right you say if you're respecting the process because this is your so by adding Holiness to a meal even if the meal is 10 minutes doesn't need to be a lecture for 25 hours even if it's 10 minutes see come you know a few things of toah even if you already know it even if everyone knows it even if you can't think of anything other than the story of Adam and Eve or anything simple you add anything of into your meal you're sanctifying the meal you're making the meal holy and you're respecting it otherwise it's considered as if you've made a joke of the M you considered a clown and it's not exactly a good uh like you're clowning you're you're you're making a joke of the M you're making a joke of the of the sacrifice so if you finish eating on you by yourself how about t yeah perfect is is perfect is T yeah anything relating to T whether it's whether it's learning online on YouTube saying something to your friend anything anything relating to Torah again it doesn't need to be 20 hours doesn't need to be even 10 you know 20 minutes it just need to be a few minutes just to make the meal holy and not necessarily a uh you know like we're animals and we just ate just to uh survive so that's that's one of the things that we need to learn uh from the because again our tables have become our uh the um see or if you can't think of uh something to say so you could just Google yeah perfect yeah that's what that's that's exactly what you could do um um listen I I think that with the uh with the toah in general when you're adding to to your life and you're making it something that's part of your life of your daily life then it's very difficult to run out of words it's very difficult to run out of things to say because there's always something that's significant that if you pay attention you will find it uh you will find it sign significant so now the next thing is in regards toot in regards of respecting the process is that hasem tells us there certain most of thebot you have to make theban you put the uhan on you burn it there are certain coote that you burn the entire thing there's one of them you burn the entire thing but the other ones you leave some of it you give it to the quim to eat some of them you give it to other people not just the quim to eat some of them you have to eat in one day you're not allow you know anything that you leave over for the next day you have to burn it can't eat it anymore but then there's ones that you have to eat you have two days to eat them now remember this is not a it's not a just a chicken this is a bowl or sheep it's big it's a lot so uh it's not necessarily always easy to eat this whole thing sometimes you have hundreds of coot in one day so I mean of course you have many Kanan it's not one k that's eating all of this but the point is that sometimes you're not going to have the ability to eat all of it but Hashem said that you have some Coan not you'll have one day some coot you'll have two days but then he teaches us something very interesting teaches about something called pul pig is something he's telling us where if someone before he eats the Corban he's thinking already I may eat this like let's say for example you're allowed to eat this kban over the next two days he's already thinking I may need three days to eat this thing meaning with the intention that he's probably going to violate the law because it's so good it's this he's thinking this way that Corban immediately becomes T not all to eat it not let to eat it it's not a Corban anymore the fact that he thought about making a potential sin made it a sin completely extra day just thinking about it he didn't do it he didn't eat it on the third day already he thought about May I'm going to eat it on a day I'm not allowed to eat it and theban is no longer Corban theban is a complete sin and that's called pul so what can we learn about pul what's okay we don't have cor again we go back to the same thing we don't have kote what is Hashem teaching us out of this very interesting word pul Hashem is telling us that our thoughts are the key to success meaning if someone wants to have a successful marriage successful marriage successful relationship he must only think about his wife he's not allowed to think about other women in any way shape or form not to watch them On movies or television articles newspapers not allowed has to be one woman in Life as a matter of fact someone who wants to be righteous someone who wants to go in the should usually refrain from being in businesses that deal a lot with with women if he's if he's a man so for example people that want to be righteous cannot be you know there's many jobs that you deal with a lot of women Point as you got so the key that hasem is teaching us here is that in order to for us to have true success our brain always has to be directed towards our goals we cannot have we cannot be one of these types of people say n no I wasn't really thinking and I did it because I wasn't really thinking or I wasn't wasn't really paying attention that's why I blew the red sign officer no no the key is that for us to live a life that's successful we have to always think about it have to have our eyes on the ball so when it comes down to marriage Unfortunately today the statistics are terrible in America you have close to 80% it may have crossed 80% already of marriages in America end up in divorce it's already gotten to a point where the statistics are so bad it doesn't pay to get married I mean you're telling me that eight out of 10 couples get divorced which means that if I get married I have a pretty much much higher chance of ending up in divorc than ending up staying together because even that let's say 20% that stay married it's not necessarily means that 20% are actually happy the 20% okay 20% stayed married they didn't get divorce but they're not always staying staying together because they're so excited to be together sometimes people would rather stay miserable together than be separated either because they fear being alone or they're older or their uh something else happened there's many many reasons of why people stay together the key is that we we have the ability to change all of that we have the ability to fix all of that but it has to start with home the Torah teaches a lot about the relationships that a man and a woman has to have and it tells us a lot of things that go against our logic especially with the way some people are brought up where they think that certain things are supposed to happen certain things make a lot of sense but are not necessarily always what the Torah says so when you tell somebody that doesn't know much tah tell me one of The Commandments tell me one of the Ten Commandments most people will tell you respect your mom and your father right the trouble with that is that just saying that verse alone is very Limited in comparison to what that real rule is all about yes you have to respect your mom and father no question about it but there are certain limitations first one being it cannot be above AEM meaning if your father and mother are telling you to do something that's against the Torah you are not allowed to listen to them doesn't matter what doesn't matter what any way whatsoever you're not allowed to listen to them okay if your mom and dad are righteous they have a certain level of respect that they get if your mom and dad live as criminals against the tah not criminals like they rob banks but criminals meaning they don't do any to and to is considered a criminal it's not insult to people like that the language of the Tor someone who doesn't uh follow the t is in the Torah language considered a criminal so if the parents live a life that's against the tah the level of respect that they get is drastically less and much more limited than parents that follow meaning if a righteous parent tells his son something that's obviously in compliance with the Torah and he is righteous there's rarely ever a reason to question what he says he's your father he's your teacher he's righteous and so on someone who doesn't keep to he says something but your Rabbi says something else you don't you're not even allowed to consider your father's opinion because again hashem's first okay this is not against anyone's parents or anything like that this is just again what Le the laws of the Torah so what does this mean to us but also says therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and clink to his wife and they shall become one flesh they were both naked the man and his wife and they were not ashamed we'll address the entire verse this is init uh uh chapter 2 verse 24 and 25 so first it's telling me that man will leave his father and mother that it says it's going he's going to be with his wife he's going to cling to his wife so the lesson we learned from here is when a man gets married or a woman gets married their spouse immediately becomes number one above their parents parents do not like to hear this if they don't live a life even if they do live a life still hard it's still hard to hear it but that's what hasem says and not only did he say it he said it in the beginning of the book in the beginning of the Torah he reminded us if you want to get and accept and understand the rest of the love letter that I wrote you 3,300 years ago you already have to have your eyes on the ball just like we talked about pul you want to have the kban go through and finish the entire process have your eyes on the ball always think about doing the Mitzvah you want to accept and learn the to that I'm willing to give you already realize that from the beginning there are certain things that have precedents there's certain things that have a certain order it may not always make sense to you it may not necessarily always be what you want to hear but that's the order that hasem put it in this world so as much as our parents don't want to hear that our wife is number one or our husband is number one that's a reality what happens in a situation where the parents create an argument I have a friend a little older than us or a lot older than us his son Lau he just went to a divorce let go to a divorce right now why a divorce his wife wonderful woman before they got married successful very rich uh parents great what she didn't tell our uh husband and now divorce is that her father is very attached to her very attached and her father pretty much wants to make sure that he she's just like his little girl when she was 5 years old so after they got married the father was constantly involved in their life as a matter of fact even the wedding the father planned which is by the way not exactly a normal thing to do a father's not supposed to plan his daughter's wedding but assuming that doesn't matter he stayed in the father in in a daughter's life constantly telling her everything that's wrong with her husband telling her how he's not good enough for her driving him crazy all to the point where he had to leave her cuz this is not a uh normal life and this is someone that I know personally now that woman she did what her father wanted but now she's divorced maybe our husband maybe our father is uh happy but I don't see her being very happy about the divorce now there's a story in uh my my cousin told me he knows personally of how great of a great of a sin it is for a parent or a brother or a sister or anyone to get inv involved in the marriage a story didn't happen a few years ago in Israel where a mother got involved in the uh marriage of her uh son of her of her daughter and she told her that her husband wasn't good enough for her and uh this was a righteous person this is a sadik it wasn't a uh uh someone secular this is a person that was keeping to and so it was her daughter and she told her daughter that her husband's not good enough for her this that the other thing long story short she ended up divorcing him getting a get divorcing him and um for no real reason and within a matter of a few weeks the mother that encouraged the daughter to divorce uh found out that she has a terminal illness and died within a few weeks there's no greater sin involving marriage than breaking up one the reason why I mention all of this is because in today's age people try to cling on whatever mitv seem easy to them respect your parents is not always a very difficult mitvah to do sometimes it is sometimes it isn't but the basic part of it is not the most difficult thing in the world for some people it's much easier to give their father a call every day and say I love you then to do feeling every day but we always have to know what's the order of things which comes first which comes second hasem says if you erase his name it's a very very big sin and the soul is cut off from the world that's if you eras aem's name the if you erase that name it's a very very big problem but he has one condition where you're allowed to do it schom if a woman was thought during the BET mikdash days to cheat on a husband they didn't need private investigators they would take the woman to the bet mikdash they would write the name of Hashem on something put it into the water the ink of hashem's name would be uh would go all into the water so hashem's name in essence would be erased then they would make the woman drink this water if she cheated on her husband she would immediately blow up she would die if she didn't then the they knew that she was righteous then the would give a blessing that all of our sons would be righteous and all of our sons would be very very so hasem says that for schom bite you're allowed to ra erase my name so someone that creates a violation of a marriage a parent a brother a sister a friend that creates a problem between a couple if the punishment for erasing aem's name is so bad with the exception of one thing which is forom so obviously the punishment for violating schom B is much greater than that and the problem in today's generation is that sometimes we forget about these things and we let our environment around us make the decisions for us there a very famous story with um RAB mod there was a couple uh a guy in a uh and also again in uh in Israel um where this one guy had a very very modest wife very ni very sadik and uh one day he had a couple of his friends over and he asked his wife can you please uh you know he went into the kitchen and he told the please can you bring me and my friend some tea some coffee so his wife was very modest very so she cut up everything in the kitchen and she called him from the kitchen if he come take it from her because it's not really the best thing if there's only guys for a woman to be in front of all the guys and sit down with the guys it's not exactly appropriate not in Judaism at least so she called him to bring it so he went there brought it and then his uh his friends started making fun of him his friends were all secular didn't have any to any any anything like what you're living in the Stone Age your wife why is sit she sitting with us what kind of wife you have it's like a shoe this wife what what is this she's supposed to be friendly what's wrong with her how come she doesn't want to talk to us what's this you know they they started abusing him and just uh completely insulting him now this guy didn't have exact a spine so what did he do he joined them he started abusing her also started making fun of her all the way to the point where by the end of the night they all decided not him they all decided that he should kick her out and he kicked her out so his friends found him a new girl so he has this new girl marries his friends come over one day his wife is sitting with them this new wife not modest everything that the other one was the opposite so he says to her hone can you know he's used to the old life can you make up some uh coffee some tea her friend she goes who you think I am you go make it so uh he says what do you mean I go make it please go make it she starts yelling at him in front of his friends so what does he do he feels like you know he has to be macho next to his friends he starts yelling back he didn't realize that this this this this woman is not like the old one so what did she do she took the bottle of a that was next to her and smashed it on his head broke his head went to the hospital emergency room problems obviously as he he's getting after he finishes getting his stitches he gets get a uh divorce and he wants to go back to the old one so he goes to his uh Rabbi which was Rabbi rapael kadil dabin and RAB Rafael obviously feels bad for him but at the same token he knows that his ex-wife is not going to want to be with him anyway they tried to make the shid his ex-wife tadik she doesn't want to be with him say listen you know you're not a I'm trying to be a tadik you have all these friends I don't want that life but if I'll do whatever the which is says he's one of I'll go and I'll talk to him if he says I should be with you I'll go back with you whatever he says I'll do so they go to RAB and RAB says yes you should go back with him and when she asked why he said because after the last one broke his head he probably got a little bit of back inside he learned his lesson you would hope so the key is when one is marrying his wife he has to make sure that he makes her number one over everybody not over his friends his parents and everybody else and again it's very very critical because again sometimes you think that the parents are helping sometimes you think that when a mother of a son or a daughter tells the spouse that they should clean a certain way or cook a certain way and they're telling it to their son or daughter they're not telling it to the wife maybe you should uh tell her yourself in your own words that's different that's advice but when behind the back when you're doing it behind the back you're creating a problem it's just why where anytime someone has an argument with his wife or a wife has an argument with a husband you're not allowed to talk about it to anybody only between each other can't talk about it with your parents your friends no one try yourself unless it's someone that can guide you based on Torah and based on Torah there's not you don't need 50,000 people to know it why can't you tell why can't you sometimes you want to spill it off your chest you want to tell people listen my wife she's a nightmare she's this she's that she you want to tell somebody sometimes why is it a bad idea to tell people because when you tell people something like that they will P visualize what she is so all they know about her is that she drives you crazy so this was one day out of 365 days a year she drives you crazy the other 364 days that she does good for you they don't know about that cuz you didn't talk about that so their entire picture is that she really drove you crazy for 365 days so the next day when you come back and you want to go for coffee with the guy and you bring your wife and he has his wife he's looking at you as my buddy my poor guy look at this woman that he has he's starting to talk about about your wife to his wife yeah what a me skinn my friend is cuz he only has one visual of what she is MH so when you tell him only about your problems that's all he's going to know so he's going to think he's going to have your wife as someone that's terrible so every time you're going to ask him for advice later on he's going to give you advice based on that information if you you're going to ask him listen do you think I should go on this business trip or on this vacation but without my wife he's immediately going to say yes not because he thinks it's really a good idea for a husband to go on vacation without his wife but because you have such a bad wife you're able to go on vacation by yourself it's a that you're able to go on vacation by yourself to get away from this devil cuz he's thinking that she's bad so when it comes down to the intimate issues between a man and his wife you're not allowed to share it with the world keep it quiet you have to keep it quiet there's no reason another thing is when a couple has children one of the most important things about raising kids based on tah is never argue in front of the kids not only with each other but in general meaning that if the kid kids see one parent say something they can never even think that they can get a different answer from the other parent if the mother said no you're not allowed to have ice cream they should never even think that if they ask the father he's going to say yes the decision always has to be uniform whatever mom says that's all there is whatever ABA said that's all there is that's it there should never be a difference of opinion between the parents if there's a difference of opinion between the parents there's going to be more and more problems and eventually it's going to create a animosity not only between the kids and one of the parents at some point or another but also between the parents themselves resenting each other even if it's unintentional so the key for for a marriage to work is to be exactly what the Torah says which is a unified Soul it's a single soul act as if you are one person she says something kados you say something kados it's not it's not a matter of just respecting the other person but it's getting to a point where you are thinking alike that's why the most critical thing for a couple to do in order to get close in the highest level has nothing to do with physical has nothing to do with being intimate has nothing to do with going to the movies has nothing to do with uh eating dinner together has nothing to do with anything physical a couple that wants success has to spend a little bit of time each day learning something about toat together why Torah why not math why not science why not food why can't we cook together that's fun too yeah it's fun no one's saying you all to do it but tah is something spiritual and something spiritual the spiritual connection is a drastically higher level than anything physical physical ends physical has an ending food eventually you eat all of it or it goes bad okay uh anything that's fun whether it's uh being on a roller coaster or being intimate or making money or anything in the world it eventually ends or it becomes boring it's not something that is Everlasting spiritual is forever spiritual is eternal so when you have a session where you're eating dinner together with your wife or your husband and spend 15 minutes together a half hour together and during the time that you're eating you're number one making the mitvah of making the uh on the table which we talked about earlier on top of that you're doing it with your wife so you're learning something together you're making multiple what at the same time then you're doing bat but at the same time you're creating a spiritual connection like nothing else like something that's extraordinary and that will give you a much much deeper connection with your partner than anything else could ever do because again you're not only Fe feeding the physical you're feeding the spiritual the reason why I'm veering off of different things one is talking about not letting anyone get in between a marriage to making sure that you're connected is because hem told us that to erase his name is a very very big problem but you're allowed to erase my name for schom B so he's telling you that schom bite is extremely important for him schom bite is the Torah in order for someone to be successful in Judaism and in in general in life he has to have SLO bite so much so that a man that has an evil wife is guaranteed because he gets hell already in his life this is not uh theoretical or joke I'm telling you that's serious he get he gets someone that has an evil wife in this world he lives with her his whole life not he divorced after a year talking about someone who lived with an evil wife his whole life and vice versa obviously a woman that had an evil husband is guaranteed G him so one time there was a guy where his wife was so special that every day that he would come home as soon as he would come home she would immediately start screaming at him for some reason or another and she would throw one of her slippers at him every day every day as soon as he came home she would throw one of her slippers at him nightmare not fun every day gets hit with a slipper or a shoe or something violent woman so he decides to go to his RAV I forget the name of the rav but it was it's a real story it's not a joke um his was a big rabbi one of the just I don't want to say the wrong name he goes to his love he says I can't do it I cannot do it I cannot be with this woman for one more day I've been with her for I think 15 or 20 years already one more day I can't do you have to give me a get this is not after a week or a month this is he's been getting shoes on his head for 20 years so Rabbi was very special Rabbi wasn't your ordinary Rabbi goes okay just wait in my living room for a little while I'm going to get some paperwork I'll be back in a little while okay so he leaves in 15 minutes half hour eventually what happens when you have nothing to do you fall asleep so the man tells the story of what happens when he falls asleep he falls asleep and he has a dream he has a dream that he goes up to Sham and he's in front of the three he's in front of the three judges and they give him the they give him pretty much his accounting of what he did in his life he said yeah okay so you did some but let's see all your all of your sins and they have a scale and he starts seeing the scale of the sins that he made is getting a little heavy a little heavy a little heavy it's a little more than his mitv so then one of the judges turns around he says bring bring this bring the shoes and they start putting all of the shoes every slipper that he got December 1st he got this December second he got this everywhere every day they put all on the scale of the MIT all the way to the point where the scale is even the sins and the MIT are exactly even that's when he wakes up oh actually before he woke up they told him ah all you needed is one more and you have G and that's when he wakes up so he wakes up he sees the rabbi every's like okay so you ready goes no no no I'm no I need to go home right now I need to go home right now he needs one more get with the shoe he spent the rest of his life with this woman another story was the uh this one guy had a uh not the best wife and uh every day she do whatever she can to torture the guy poor guy so one day they go to uh sh Tora and you know there b they go sh and the Rabbi says a man that has a evil wife is guaranteed the husband is at least thinking to himself at least that oh hasem so he goes home and the next day wakes up and gets to uh you know he's about to go to work and he passes the kitchen he sees his wife cooking already honey I made you breakfast breakfast okay eats it f go okay see you later gives him a hug leaves he comes back and uh you know later that night he's got instead of a shoe he's got dinner everything is great she went crazy this woman one day two days three days four days this is going on for a week already he's losing his mind he's like what's what happened to this lady what this she'll changed her life I don't know understand yes I over my so he goes he goes he goes talks to his Rabbi he goes listen I think my wife is cheating on me or something I don't know what's going on because she completely my whole life she's you know torturing me all of a sudden she's nice I don't know what's going on so can you talk to her please okay so he tell his wife please go see the rabbi he wants to see you you know in those days they respected the rabbis Rabbi wants to see you they go see him not today like oh no let tell him to text me so she goes to Rav and RAV you know asks a bunch of questions and she says yeah listen you know your husband says that you changed a little bit in the last week he because yes exactly I did change why why did you change because because I heard that if my husband has a bad wife you'll have a laaba he goes okay okay so why do that make you change Go Over My Dead Body he going to have so the uh the point of the story is make sure you're very careful who you pick make sure you careful um another thing that uh is important in the marriage is to make sure that there is a respect between each other that does not have any exceptions if a if a marriage is going to work respect is more important than any other rule that you can have in a marriage if a husband does not respect his wife and he yells at her or embarrasses her it's no less than eating kazil that's what a lot of people don't understand is that they think you know sometimes you tell some people listen you eat kosher yeah yeah you know I eat sometimes kosher eat Kaz no Over My Dead Body never eat Kaz no I just eat some chicken once in a while because to them kazil is you know eating pork is the worst thing in the world but then you tell the same guy why did you just yell at your wife don't you know it's so bad he goes what's the big deal in reality based on tah it's a very very big sin it's even bigger than eating K because K is one big one sin okay you ate it that's it it's OB you know once you ate it that's it the sin is over forget about the unhealthy part of it that's not necessarily a sin that it's just just that part but again the sin is over when someone embarrasses their spouse it's such a severe sin that it could continue with for the rest of their life if a husband or a wife destroys their spouse's confidence they could live the rest of their life in a different way than what they were supposed to someone that had the potential to be that knew a lot of Torah one day that his wife calls him stupid or nobody in front of his love in front of his friends in front of his his mother in front of somebody and embarrasses him makes him feel like such a zero but not a zero because he has humility zero because he truly believes he's a zero that all of his disappears from him the same thing with a husband doing to a wife a husband that tells his wife that she's not good enough can change the way that she treats the kids to such an extent that instead of raising kids that are righteous and have to their life and respect their father respect their mother and everything else she's already going to think ah you already doesn't think that I'm good enough anyway so why even bother so you have four criminals living in your house all from one single word one single word I'm not talking about a whole life of uh yelling and screaming at each other of course that it's much worse if it's yelling and screaming every day but I'm talking about even one bad conversation where one embarrasses the other can destroy multiple lives which means that the sin is endless one time a couple came to rabadi they were both about 23 years old the husband and the wife were 23 years old and they came to rabad and they said listen we just had a kid it's our first kid we need to know what we should do he asks them how how old are they and he said we're 23 years old and he says you're 20 years too late what do you mean how could we be too late the baby was just born only a few months old because the first rule of successful marriage and raising kids is to discipline yourself first first you have to be first you have to be disciplined first you have to have manners then you can teach manners if you're an animal if you're a criminal if you're living a life that's against the opposite of what's supposed to be how are you going to be able to teach anyone else to do the opposite and that's why when a when a couple when a husband and a wife are telling the kids something to do let's say for example for a little kid little baby tell them listen don't eat with your hands at some you know the baby needs to learn not to eat with their hands a lot of people have made it made it a normal thing to do where the kids eat their in with their hands until they're like 5 years old or something it's not supposed to be that way there are Forks there are knives we're not animals we're supposed to eat with with with forks and knives okay they'll get they need to learn as early as possible I'm not saying that infant that's 30 days old needs to eat with a fork and knife but again a 5-year-old needs to eat with a fork and knife when you explain that to the child the child will do it why because the child is excited to do whatever ABA and IMA say because ABA and IMA are Superman and superoman they're everything but then when the child sees that ABA or IMA each with their hands they follow not only do they follow but they develop a a a bit of hatred towards their parents a subconscious hatred towards their parents because they're saying that ABA and IMA have told me repeatedly that I should not act like an animal and I should eat with my fork and knife and not with my hands but then they eat so really they just want to tell me what to do really cuz I know they're not animals cuz I see them cuz they're superum they're AB are Superman and Superwoman right so they think you're the greatest so if you're if you're telling them one thing but doing the opposite so they're thinking that you're just trying to torture them you're just saying no you just want to torture them and what ends up happening is they start to develop a a bit of hatred towards the parent and it creates a disconnect and that's why sometimes you have and I've met a few people like this kids that grow up and have a very very limited amount of connection between them and the parents despite that the parents spent their entire life and their entire life saving raising the kid and doing everything they can for the kid the kid can't stand them no you talk to your mom yeah about three years ago what do you mean you talked to your mom three years ago how could you not talk to your mom for three years I don't know she's my mom she's just some stranger it's a people don't understand this is not normal but it's more it's as much the parents fault as it is the child's fault if not more the parents fault than the child's fault actually because the parent is responsible for the foundation the child will develop eventually their own opinion once they get older but the foundation is the parents responsibility when the parents act with unity a lot of good develops from it the kids are good the marriage is good spiritual and physical is good when does a disconnect only bad comes out of it whether this connection comes because somebody's brother is in the middle of the relationship or somebody's sister or somebody's parents or somebody's uncle or somebody's friends or whoever wants to put their nose into the relationship creates that animosity between the couple number one it's a very very big problem for the marriage and number two that person that thinks that they're doing good by getting in the middle of the marriage is actually putting their life on the line and there are more than one story there are quite a few stories of people that put their nose where it doesn't belong and Hashem didn't like it so much that he ended their life or made their life a very big living hell so it's m a Sak to be involved to get get involved into a marriage and give inappropriate advice is mamash putting your life at risk not talking about just potentially losing a friend or anything like that I'm talking about putting your life at risk so if you ever have a situation where someone is asking for advice you have to really think twice of number one if you want to give that advice and two if what you're saying is is right because again your opinion is worthless it's what does Hashem think if you're using what Hashem thinks what Hashem thinks is what hm R is a different story but again sometimes your friends are going to confide in you and not everybody exactly is a they're going to want to talk to their friends so again think about think about things based on what does AEM want what is hashem's opinion not what your opinion is or my opinion is what is hashem's opinion that's the opinion that that's the only opinion that counts and in order for you to succeed with marriage you have to have that connection you have to be a team you have to be respectful for each other another thing is that you have to do with marriage is that each person needs to know the other person's role a man's role generally in our day in our world today is to provide a woman's role is to take care of the house that does not necessarily apply all the time there are some women that are drastically more successful than that husbands and that's okay too but at the end of it all she is still a woman and you are still a man you still have certain responsibilities and you still have certain emotions a man wants to have a good marriage he has to realize that as far as money is concerned he cannot restrict his wife to things that are necessary a man is not allowed to be cheap not allowed you could be frugal meaning you not you don't need to spend every dollar you have because your wife has an addiction to bags or to shoes I'm not talking about being stupid I'm talking about being compliant with Torah a man is not allowed to be cheap if his wife wants to get clothes which is within reason you're able to afford it you're not allowed to say yes you're not allowed to say no right right doesn't matter that she has him already if a woman needs help with the house you have to get her a cleaning lady as a matter of fact Rabbi which is again Rabbi for anybody who doesn't know was doador he wasn't a regular Rabbi he's the biggest giant of the of generations not just one generation was a big loss that we lost him a little over a year ago this is someone who knew the entire Tora to such an extent that we could spend a thousand years and maybe get 1% of what he knew this is not a normal person was it a little a year ago yeah he died a little over a year ago so anyway RAB even during the times where he was very very poor he still got his wife a cleaning lady why because he knew that his wife needed help and if it meant that he wasn't going to eat or drink or have something that he needed to have but his wife would have it he made that a ruling that's it husband is not allowed to restrict his wife by restricting his wife with money he's going against the that they signed there are a few things that a man signs on theba you have a kosher wedding you have a one of the things that he's that he that a man signs off on is that he's going to give her money not just uh money if something happen talk about money like in this world he has to provide for her meaning there's no limitation of what she needs if she needs a cleaning lady you needs to get a cleaning lady if she needs you know a few hundred a week to do a personal shopping not shopping for the house some people say oh listen you know what I give her $200 I give her $200 a week yeah but with the $200 a week she uses for buying groceries for the house yeah she uses most of it for the groceries she didn't give it $200 you gave yourself $200 you need to eat also what does she have so again people have to think of the wife as themselves not something separate you can't it cannot be two separate parties they have to be like whatever I would want for myself I want for the wife even if I can't get myself to give it to myself I still need to give it to my wife cuz sometimes people are cheap for themselves used to be an old joke Israeli joke with somebody my uh I have my um my friends in Israel with the with uh would say it it's somebody so cheap that they um they don't want to go to the bathroom because they don't want to buy food again so the key is sometimes you have people that are so cheap that they can't bring themselves to buy something for themselves whether it's clothes or it's a uh food or whatever it is not because they don't have because they're very cheap aside from that being an illness it's literally a sickness it's a sick I feel bad people like that you have to feel bad for them even if someone has that and he hasn't been able to overcome being cheap he's just cheap you can't you can't become Superman over day overnight it's you have to takes time he still cannot be cheap with his wife he can be cheap with himself but that's not our problem so it's very important for a person to know that uh in order for his marriage to work in order for him to make the uh sanctify the marriage and make the marriage holy there are certain responsibilities he has another very important thing for a husband to do is to buy his wife presents it's does not need to be a car or a house or something even expensive I'm talking about tiny small things where I have a uh um my cousin in Israel he told me a uh one of his friends he gave this advice to and uh it changed the marriage overnight literally changed it he had uh this one friend you know is someone that studies T all night all day they don't have a regular job they go to Yesa and study for morning tonight and uh he had a uh some issues with uh with his wife wasn't exactly the best marriage in the world and they just had a daughter and from the minute the daughter was born she's been in the hospital for 3 months constant health problems she hasn't left the hospital 3 months in the hospital and on top of that he's not getting along with his wife not getting along so he tells him if you take this on yourself you it will help you in every way you want he goes what he goes work on a schom b do certain things and one of the things that he said to do is start adding presence to your needs what do you mean like every time you go every day you go to Yeshiva on the way home buy his wife anything buy her a candy bar buy her uh roses Ro doesn't need to be roses roses are expensive every day something for a dollar even just to show her that you thought about her doesn't need to be roses roses could be expensive you buy roses every single day you going to end up needing three jobs but something anything doesn't even need to be bought it could be anything just to show her that she really was on your mind every day and the guy said okay he took it within a month a month and a half he tells him you wouldn't believe what happened he says what happened my baby was released from the hospital completely healthy and they don't even know why she was even in what what was wrong with her before she's so healthy right now that they don't believe that she was even sick for three months wow goes okay and how's the marriage he goes it couldn't be better he goes the little things that I get in my wife sometimes I get a candy bar sometimes something small something meaningless that I think is really not a big deal she makes you like the best husband in the world and he goes it's like even better than the first day were married something as small as that hasem made marriage a very very very very holy thing in Judaism it's so holy that in the beginning of the Torah he talks about it beginning of creation this is notth we had to wait until M to learn this we didn't have to wait until this week's par to learn about it we have it in the beginning of the Torah Shalom schom B is very very very important and the key is for us to know that because the sooner we know it the better our life is going to be and More in line with Hashem that it's going to be amen amen amen so I think that it's a uh a few things one suggestion I would give you guys as far as uh uh something to do or anyone that's watching it make sure if you can't think about your wife every single day buy something every day buy her something at least once a week every Shabbat pick up flowers there should never be a Shabbat without your wife receiving flowers $5 flowers mean just as much as $50 flowers you do not need to spend $50 or $100 or $1,000 whatever is within your budget the point is she will appreciate either one of them the same especially when it's every week especially when you pick them now when you have your secretary order it for you oh make sure my wife gets this thing and it just becomes one of these statues in the house when you went to the store and you picked up the actual flower that means a million dollars mhm when you just have your secretary order something and it just shows up at the house the same it becomes something that eventually loses its meaning so the key is to make sure that she knows you love her the key is for her to know that you love her and the same thing vice versa when you have that type of connection anything is possible when you don't have that connection the marriage and life around you becomes very vulnerable the kids the kids become vulnerable the education becomes vulnerable everything becomes vulnerable everything is on eggshells and that's where we go back to this par where hasem said it's so important that you have your eye on the ball at all times it's so important that even when you're thinking about the kban you think that you're going to do good from the beginning until the end with never even thinking about doing something else that if you do think about something else I already know you're not going to succeed so I'm already going to tell you don't even bother trying not allowed to do this it's so important to be always focused on what we need to do that hasem says that even theban you can't even think the wrong way it's same thing with our marriage a marriage cannot work if a man has his eyes on other women that's why the if if women knew better they would never allow their husbands to have a TV in the house it's not for the woman to not have a TV in the house it's for the man not to have a TV in the house why because what happens when a man has a TV this what women sometimes don't realize when rabbis say that the house should not have a TV they're not saying it because they want to punish the woman they're saying it because they're trying to help the woman what happens women don't have the same type of brain as we do where we think with the wrong parts of our brain sometimes women see a man and they see somebody they see a person men see a woman and they see potential potential aot potential sin not potential good so when a man watches a television he's seeing all of these potential women in his mind he thinks he can get them in his mind he's thinking wow these are pretty women and then two minutes later his amazing wife gives him dinner and he looks at her and what does he do he's comparing her to her who do they have on television they have ugly people on television last time last time I watched television it's been a while but last time I watched something I don't remember seeing anybody ugly on television no they don't put ugly people on television beautiful so what happens the man is even if he's not intentionally doing it he's comparing the woman on TV to the woman right next to him and what ends up happening sometimes sometimes he even thinks about her when they're intimate he thinks about a different woman it's so bad to think about a different woman or a different man that some some parts of the Tor say k say that it's debatable If the child is considered a kosher child that's that's that's how important someone's thoughts are it's debatable If the child child is considered kosher if the woman thought about a different man or vice versa man thought about a different woman it's debatable that's that's the thing it's which is again in today's rotten Society what do they tell you listen once you get older maybe your wife or your husband's not as attractive so think about other people this is directly against the Torah but it's become normal one time there was a story in the r AKA was walking with Rua and R and they saw this child passed by them and didn't give them respect usually you knowa had 26,000 students 24 24 26,000 students this is uh number one Jew it's not a regular uh Rabbi each one of these people was able to bring back the dead it's not uh these are not normal people that uh you know were collecting takaka in the corner uh for their 15 person K is huge people in thear if their name is mentioned in the it's because they had the ability to bring back the dead that's that's the only reason if their name is not mentioned it's because they could be very very righteous and but they weren't at that level obviously all of this power to bring back a de is through AEM it's not through them that's a uh a given but the point I'm trying to tell you is that if someone's name is specifically mentioned in thear it's because they were at that level was the highest level meaning every Al where there's a debate and puts his opinion the AL is always his opinion that'sa SOA andu they see a child he doesn't give them the respecta says a child is a Mel meaning he his uh his mom was not married to his father his real father she you know probably out of wedlock marriage out of wedlock but one of the people was married either the husband either the father was married or the mother was married M very big problem for M by the way just so you know someone that's a Mel can only marry a Mel Jud is not allowed to marry regular Jew or convert they're allowed to marry but not allowed to marry a regular Natural Born Jew so to teach people to uh stay away from such a big sin so would you m when you have a child not necessarily just out of wedlock but through uh um cheating in Ence a woman cheats on a husband and the she has a child with the other man or a man at vice versa so abua says child Isel that's why he's so rotten that's why he has no respect the other uh says no no no his mom when she was with his father she was n she didn't go to mik that's why that's why he's rotten like this that's why he has no respect mik is very very important in Judaism for women so much so that if a woman needs to go to Mikvah every month obviously unless she's pregnant and so on but if when she's not pregnant after the uh time of the month is over she waits the the proper time then she has to go to the mikve and then everything is allowed if a husband is with his wife without her being in a mik the sins are extraordinary I don't want to spend most of the sh scaring you guys but it's better it's a lesser of a sin to be with his own mother than to be with his wife outside of the mik that's how bad is it is to be with a wife without a mik so in our Logic the thing with the mother doesn't even make sense to you guys right now right now you're thinking that I'm crazy or you're thinking that I just said something else maybe I'll I'll watch this video later and maybe maybe he didn't say what I just think he said I said it that's how bad it is is so mik is very very important so said his mom wasn't didn't was n she didn't go in mik when she had him that's why he's run there's some M to this there's a significance to this maybe he's right says you're both wrong his mom was not only but she also he's also he's Al he's both they weren't uh nobodies they're also huge why you're you're saying both of us are wrong not just one of us is wrong both of us are wrong he says I'll prove it to you they find the boy's mother Anda says to her listen tell me the truth if you tell me the truth I promise you Allah your child when you had him is he a and also you were n or just one of them she goes you promise only if you tell me the truth here was both of them said not the point here is that when you have a marriage that's full of Holiness it needs to be full of Holiness from the beginning until forever it can't just be one part here one part there sometimes sin sometimes mitvah when I'm here at home I'm a sadik when I go on vacation I'm a complete can't do that it's either yes or no and it's very very important to involve the wife or the husband with everything that you're doing when someone is doing chuva by themsel if they're doing it by themselves they are literally going to be destroying their own life because if you do not involve your family with it meaning your wife if you have kids your kids it's a process that you're all going through together you will slowly but surely become the outsider within the family if the wife starts keeping and the husband and the kids are not she will eventually become the joke of the house if the husband becomes the the tadik and everybody else continues their secular ways he eventually becomes the stranger the way to do chva even if it takes longer even if it takes harder effort and more effort is to make it a combined effort because that's how you reach it together and it's permanent that's the right way of doing it when Hashem told us that if the entire sins I don't want aan from each one of them if each one of them makes a sin independently I want toan but if all of them sin I want one koban for everyone I want unification unification is very very important to Hashem and unification is the key to succeed within marriage and that's something that I think is really really important to know from the beginning to the end of not just this par but also just overall another thing that talks about um uh actually mentions the uh the one of the reasons we learn about the the mik by the way is from this Paras it says in a um chapter 8 verse 6 Moses brought Aon and his sons forward and and he immersed them in water after Moses after Aon finished his uh part of the process of inaugurating him as aen uh was to immerse him in water which made the uh um it's one of the ways that we learned that the water is a holy thing and it's it's part of becoming holy going to the mik and so on um I'll finish it with this uh one uh important thing when you have a life that you're trying to make holy you're trying to succeed in this life you're trying to make p you're trying to have good kids you're trying to have a good marriage you're trying to be good trying to have a good life you always have to remember that marriage requires two partners one is your spouse and two is Hashem if you do one without the other it's a matter of time before it fails the word is in Hebrew man is Al the letters for aem's name are UD and he if you take the ud out of is you have ish it's fire if you take the ud and the the the ha out of the uh Isa you also have ish fire meaning that a man and a woman without AEM is just fire the same goes if it's a man trying to leave to live without a wife just being independent having that life succeed is very very rare why because you're eliminating a significant part of your purpose in life but sometimes people make the decision where they choose a spouse even when they're not happy with them even when they don't want to be with them because they say it's better that I am with someone even if I'm not happy than being miserable and alone that's a wrong decision it's better to be alone and lonely than be with someone and miserable the ideal is to be with someone and succeed but the way to do it is by working together so I think that if we take some of these things that we learn from this Paras it could very easily make a successful first thing is our thoughts things unification one think the same with your wife what she says to the kids what she says you know think alike this this requires daily effort you cannot overnight become one person takes time the second thing is for men specifically your eyes one of the most important things you can do in order to create a successful marriage and also not a marriage only with your spouse but a marriage marriage with hasem is watch your eyes you have to watch your eyes you cannot be a normal guy and look at women all day try to limit your TV try to limit your uh uh you know obviously women interactions and things like that it's difficult in a beginning but when you become used to it it makes it much much more pleasant to not only do it but to live life with your wife because the marriage becomes something different when you know that the only time you're going to look at a woman is when you see your wife and I'm talking about it in an intimate way not just look at women sometimes you have to talk to somebody in a normal way it makes the connection and the attention you pay to to that person to to your wife so much more significant that it's almost like you are remarried every time you look at her but when you're looking at different women every five minutes on your phone on the TV on the streets in the mall at work and so on it makes it very very difficult to think she's anyone special because men our brains work differently so again this is not an overnight process this is not something that I'm uh you know that uh I expect uh everyone to say oh yeah this is great I'm going to start tomorrow I doubt any man in the world is excited about doing it when they're first doing it but again this is one of the things that in order for for marriage to succeed the woman needs to know and feel that the that she's the only one not just physically but also in their in their brain and hasem is teaching Us in this Pas that if you want it to succeed it has to be that way so we're all going to succeed in all of these things to to have zealousness in our mitv to have success in all of our efforts to get closer to our spouses to our children to AEM andem will continue learning and getting closer to all of them and thank you guys very much and I'll see you guys soon