How To Get Anyone To Do TeShuva

[Music] really the whole thing with with rebuke is that you have to use the wisdom the imagination that hasem gave you to do it the right way that's also another reason of why hem says don't come to sin don't come to sin means also use the imagination that I gave you I didn't just give you an imagination to draw Mickey Mouse I didn't just give you imagination to pick a nice suit I give you an imagination so you could use it to fulfill my mitv one of the mitv is to rebuke use your imagination of how to rebuke without the guy even thinking you're rebuking so sometimes and I think more times than not the best way to rebuke somebody is without rebuking him meaning rebuke him indirectly by giving him a CD sending him a lecture inviting him to a lecture let him hear it for himself from somebody else not from you 99 out of 100 times it works better the problem I'm going to tell you guys a secret don't take it personal though it has to do with me too the secret has to do with everybody you know why most people's rebuke doesn't work most people they tell somebody Hey listen you should keep Shabbat it doesn't work or somebody says Hey listen she kosher doesn't work hey you should leave the Goya it doesn't work you know why it doesn't work I'll tell you a secret I actually discovered it through a conversation that I had with somebody that told me that he started listening to my he started doing and uh the rebuke worked and we're talking how who what went in hell and I understood I got during the conversation I understood why it worked but not just that one but every one of them and why a lot of them don't work why they don't work because if you're going to rebuke because you want to be right it's not going to work if you're going to tell him you keep Shabbat because that's what you have to do because I know you have to keep Shabbat it's not going to work if you tell him no stop wearing the wig cuz I know it's it's not going to work you should start doing this because look I know it's not going to work you're wasting your time you're already making a sin don't do it you're ruining everything you're ruining everything why because it has nothing to do with the rebuke it has to do with your ego you're trying to be right you're trying to be right you're not trying to help him or her when you're telling them you should do this this and this because I saw it and look I'll show you the book and look the rabbi said said it and look it doesn't matter I said it h you have the whole fire and this and you're right but you're wrong why because it has nothing to do with the rebuke you're just trying to win an argument for that purpose alone his will never accept it from you why it's slly it's not for sh it's ego it's your ego versus his ego he says my ego is better than yours I'm not going listen to you how about that how about that go go keep talking keep talking half how long you talking talk for half hour no Rabbi talk 3 hours talk talk talk at the end he say listen no now he listen to you why why he goes back in the news if you're going to rebuke him because of your ego it's not going to work that's the secret if you're going to rebuke them because you care doesn't matter what you say it doesn't matter what you say if you care his will accept it if you care is accept it it doesn't matter what you say doesn't matter if you make sense doesn't matter if you rhyme doesn't matter if you say it in a rap doesn't matter if you say it through a book doesn't matter because he said it if you care and he knows or she knows you care he'll listen why you care so much I'll do just because you care not because of your God I don't believe it but I'll do because you believe you believe it I'll do because you believe it I do do cuz I like you I don't believe everything you believe but I like you so I'll do because of you and eventually he'll do that's why it says ask what do you mean what does it mean over here if you learn T lishma not forem it says it's better you learn lishma because if you start lishma if you start learning and fulfilling a Torah not for hem eventually you're going to do it for hem why if he's doing it because he's trying to get a girl if he's doing because he's trying to get uh some rabinal award or something how what they're trying to tell you I actually heard say This brilliant that no one no one on earth in the history of mankind other than our a is capable of starting chv purely forem no one why you don't even know him yet you don't even know him yet you don't know anything so what do you do why you doing the you're doing it you're doing it because your mom told you you're doing it because you're trying to get the girl you're doing it because somebody read the book and recommended the book and you want to make it seem like you actually care about the book so you going to read the book you start doing because you want to fit in you start doing because you want to to know and who and what but you're not doing it for hem you don't even know him yet so it always starts lishma why because eventually it's going to get to lishma it always starts not for AEM because you don't even know him yet you don't even know what why and who and when but if you start that way honestly with open heart and accept it eventually you're going to get to do it for hem also same thing with rebuke same thing with re reuke if the person person you're rebuking knows that what you're doing is L he's doing it you're doing it forem you're doing it from your heart not because you're trying to be right I'll accept it but if not it doesn't matter what you say he's not going to listen she's not going to listen why because their ego is fighting your ego and he's going to win it's easy for him to win he just doesn't have to listen the asked how come hasem gave us fingers that look like this they look like pigs our fingers look like pigs why did has make it like pigs why did make it like pigs he says when you don't want to listen to you put them right in your ears they fit right perfect so that's what he's doing you're talking D La I listen to you why because I know you're not you're talking from your ego not from your heart that's the secret of our rebuke that's why it doesn't work for most people and that's why I tell people don't rebuke the people around you cuz they know you too well and they're able to determine whether you're doing it from your heart or you're doing it because you're trying to be right and if you're doing it because you're trying to be right they're not going to listen to you and even more so if it's a debate they're not even going to allow you to do it from your heart why because the ego is getting in the way so that's why it's easier and better and more productive to have somebody else do it bring him to a Shure give him a CD uh send him a lecture meaning you don't have to actually bring the the rabbi personally or the person personally dare to rebuke you do it indirectly by showing them the same thing you heard coming from the horse's mou himself if I'm the horse good I like being a horse the point is because for me they don't know me they don't know me and they know I'm not talking to them directly so for them it's pure it's pure why they just get the information as it's coming out there's no ego here there's no like oh he's doing it because he's going to get uh what does he get for me nothing oh okay so I'll listen to what he says then so that's the thing that a person needs to understand when it comes to rebuke if you want it to work you have to remove the ego and that's one of the most difficult things for a person to do because the yet is going to try to get you in every single way that's why we pray every single day for hem to bless us and protect us against the from in front of us and behind us from the MIT that are in front of us to do and MIT that we already did so we don't ruin them a guy thinks he's going to go fulfill a mitvah oh yeah I'm going to fill mitvah what I'm going to help this guy how you GNA do it oh I'm G to go tell him to keep Shabbat how you gonna tell him to do Shabbat I tell him if he doesn't keep itm is GNA kill him okay sounds good and uh how exactly you going to do all that oh look watch me you can see the guy Hey sir yeah he's yelling at the guy makes the guy feel like he's like uh two pennies the guy leaves it crying and he's not only not keeping Shabbat he doesn't want to keep the friendship either okay you won the argument you're right you're right you're right you're right but you're wrong so there's a way to do it there's a way to do it and it's important for a person to know that if it's coming from ego it's not going to work you're wasting your time and instead of making aah you're actually making a sin and that's why it says so if you're going to do it you have to remove all of that ego from you don't worry about being right you don't need to be right you know you're right Shem said it you're right the point is that you have to make him understand that you're doing it because you care I'm going to tell you a story that happened recently I spoke to somebody very special to me now Jews all special to me because this is why I do what I do I love hem more than I love them but I love them too and he spoke to somebody very special and uh we're just ch chitchatting and I don't usually chitchat but I haven't spoken to him in a long time and I wanted to see what's going on with his world and so on so uh after I don't know three or four minutes of this I asked them so uh what's going on with Shabbat you start keeping Shabbat I heard you kept a couple of shabbats and you still keeping it or no he's said no no I stopped I I did a couple of times and uh it was good but I didn't do it anymore after that at that point I couldn't take it anymore couldn't take it the chitchatting ended and I couldn't I couldn't hold myself so I told him listen you know you have to find a way to keep Shabbat he goes yeah yeah yeah every time he tells him yeah yeah yeah I'm I'm gonna try I'm gonna try to keep it yeah I know I got to do it you know when I get married it's gonna be a little easier when I get everybody has excuse so once they get married and once they get rich and once they get this and once they get that everybody has yet gives them endless excuses it's not even their fault yet has been working on excuses for 6,000 years they just started 30 years ago so now he's like yeah I know I gotta do it just I gotta get that I gotta get that I'm like listen you know you really got to do it but you got to do it right first of all you got to understand if your Shabbat is is is boring you're not going to continue doing it so what you do during the Shabbat you goes I just hung out a little bit relaxed slept ate like yeah it's not Shabbat if you relaxed slept and ate that's not Shabbat that's a lazy day it's not Shabbat if you keep doing that you're never going to keep Shabbat you have to make Shabbat a party get all your friends to come over cook food you've never cooked before order food catering cook food have a bunch of stuff to do books lectures get stuff to happen especially if you're young you know young guys people new to shabbat invite people get get some make it happen make it like it's a party every week there's one guy in in Los Angeles that I met he has he turned his house into literally like a like a hall he has 200 people his name is Yaniv he has 200 people in his house every Shabbat unbelievable unbelievable so now I told him you have to you're not going to get 200 people to come to your house get five people two people three get at least somebody to come to your house or you go there go on the uh Apple the website shabbat.com which is an app for you it's like a social network for Jews to uh to go to different people's houses for Shabbat it's usually how people actually are are meeting people for Zim to kosha to meet people you go to a place you see you do young guys usually young girls young guys young families invite people it's a nice thing to do go to different place on Shabbat make it interesting make it fun cuz if it's boring if all you're doing is sleeping and eating and sleeping and eating all you are is a cow that's it you just replace yourself a human as a cow once a week but if you make it fun you make it fun especially if you're new at it it's the greatest thing in the world this is a must a must for young people that are single a must married if you have a good marriage then you don't need to do all this Fiasco usually usually you're enough entertainment for each other usually you're enough entertainment for each other if you have kids they enough entertainment for you you don't need to get to all this Bagan and have 500 people in your house but if you're young you're single you have to do this why it's the only way you're going to keep doing it in today's world it's if you're only going to sit there all day look at the wall unless you're already in the Torah I'm talking about brand new brand new B CH unless you're already in it you have to do this you have to get people involved you have to get your friends involved why so it's not so it's interesting I told him you have to make it interesting goes yeah yeah it's a good idea yeah I got to do it I got to do it I got to do it so that that's where the Love Came From right so far so good you guys want to keep Shabbat but then I had to make sure that I had to make sure that he understood what I'm trying to say here and it comes out I don't really control this it's not prepared I said you know you have to do this you have to do this it's fun it's this every week every week Shabbat turns out to be the best thing in the world he like yeah yeah it's a good idea I had to make sure he understand it's not an idea said no no you have to understand this is not an idea you have to understand this is not an obligation you see I had a guy one time he told me he's married five years five years no kids married five years no kids I told him five years no kids something's wrong goes yeah the doctor says we can't have kids I said okay which doctor hasm said no no the doctor said I said okay so it doesn't mean anything I find out through conversation they never had a never had AA it is conversation I'm telling this person said never had a I said Hashem said AEM said we have to have a we have to have Jews have to have a you want to get married it can't you can't just go to a local court and say oh you're married husband wife go and make babies no hasem saids you want babies you have to have so he says to me it's really D big of a deal I said if Hashem said it what do you think Hashem said it he had a lot of things to say this was one of them if he said it it must be a big deal he says okay I said okay I'll arrange it for you we arranged for a you know what happened I told him you know what happened after he had a k nine months later he had a baby nine months later he had a baby baby girl nine months on the clock baby baby five years no baby he listens to hasem on something he didn't think he had to listen to Baby now another situation same story same conversation another situation I told them you guys are married somebody was married new married brand new marriage and the husband said listen my wife she wants to go uh to uh her mom's house she wants to go to her mom's house and I don't want to go I have work to do and stuff I said okay she's going for the weekend just go with her you guys are new married it says in the Torah during the first year of marriage you're not allowed to sleep separate from each other you have to be together he says yeah no no but she's not she's going only for a month A month's completely different conversation not only you have to go with her but if you don't go with she's not allow to go at all you can't it's crazy no I said listen it says in the Torah yeah it says a lot of things in the Torah he didn't listen to me not me he didn't listen to told you know what happened you know what happened she went for a month she went for a month after a month passed she didn't get on the plane home why not so the guy on the phone tells me what she died no no she didn't die she's alive she so what happened she liked living with her mom and her mom liked her living with her says you know what why don't just stay here and divorce him she convinced her daughter to divorce the husband why hasem wrote it in the Torah I said so you know this hasem said it if hasm said it it means something Hashem also said I to the same guy I said Hashem also said Shabbat if you don't keep it if you don't he said it 12 times if you don't keep it he's going to kill you that's when the conversation changed I said hem said in t if you don't keep Shabbat he's going to kill you so I have to think every day every day I have to think oh all the loved ones all the people I love all of all the people family no family friends no friends make a difference we're all I have to think you're all on the line every weekend everyone that doesn't keep Shabbat hashem's going to kill you why he wrote in the Torah not once not twice 12 times I said so you see it's a good idea to have your friends over and make a party out of it but even if you can't get them to come over you still got to keep it why because you don't want hm to kill you that's the truth and he says I understand I said I'm sorry I'm scaring you but it's what says in the Torah and I'm only telling you because I'm scared and your family they're not telling you the truth why cuz they're scared of you they're scared to tell you the truth because they're scared maybe you're going to get a this and you're going to get offended you bended and this then I'm more scared why because I know hasem is going to kill you if you don't listen to him he's going to kill you and I'm sorry I'm scaring you but what hasm said he says no thank you for telling me I appreciate you telling me this I didn't know this thank you for telling me I'm going to keep Shabbat and he kept Shabbat the idea is good to show him that you can you can relate and so on but you also have to tell him listen the truth it's dangerous if you don't do it but it comes from the heart he said oh it comes from the heart it's not him he's right I'm wrong he's wrong I'm right has nothing to do with that I'm tell him I'm sorry I have to tell you this news that you're in danger I'm sorry but that's what it says I've seen things I know things it's not my it's not my opinion and the guy that nobody wants to talk to because they're all scared of him the big bad monster what did he say thank you for telling me the truth I'm G to keep Shabbat so that's the thing AB it's not about you could have said the same words but if your words or even if my words would have come from ego what would have happened he would have hung up the phone he would have closed the door he would have kicked me out he wouldn't have listened why because it's ego it's an argument it's a debate you're right I'm wrong you're wrong I'm right it's it's nonsense it's a waste of time it's like a presidential debate it means nothing but if it's coming from the heart then you're fulfilling the Mitzvah so that's the thing when it comes to these people that are difficult they're only difficult because they have a very very sensitive BS monitor they're a very sensitive BS Monitor and they know when most of the people that have beards and hats come to them and tell them about something it's complete BS because all they really want is to get some money all they really want is some hidden agenda so if you come to them and say listen I don't want anything from you in fact I want to give you something what is it it's called the truth it's what it says look here's a CD here's a link here's a this here's a that you give him something give give them something and he'll get what you want anyway you'll get them to keep Shabbat but that's the thing that's how you get these people it's hard some of these people are have so much t on them that you have to do this in a very very creative way and sometimes it still won't work but at least you got to try you got to try but most of the time when the rebuke doesn't work it's only because Hashem is telling you you're doing it wrong you're doing it wrong you're doing it wrong meaning that it's coming from your ego you're trying to prove people that you know and they don't I remember when I went to New York one time poor kid young kid maybe 20 years old 21 years old goes to Yeshiva for a few years did cha when he was a teenager decided that it's it's his mission in life to become the family Rabbi and yelled at his parents and yell at his brother and yell at everybody and I'm in this house fancy house nice house parents keep Shabbat but they're not so strict with other things they need to obviously worry about a few other things but there's definitely root room for improvement and what the kid is telling them is right what the kids's telling them was right but no one's listening to him I see the whole weekend there people over and Shabbat I was there everything is good kids's trying to give like a sh he's trying to tell people do this don't do this do this don't do this and I see the whole weekend I was there for a few days all weekend I see the parents fa everybody's eyes rolled all over you guys may have seen the eyes roll over to Florida roll over to California they rolled everywhere the eyes no one's listening to them the poor kid no one's listening he's right what he's saying is right he's saying he knows what he's talking about no questions asked but no one's listening to him and what's eating him up is that when I start talking it was wow he's right he's right and I'm saying the same thing I feel bad but what am I going to do not say anything I'm there already I only noticed it at the end of the trip and I also noticed it after I realized he doesn't like me too much after I left uh but anyway he sees me talking and his parents all of a sudden they're giving me these compliments and his brother and the guests and everybody loves me and here he's saying the same thing saying Torah no one's listening to him what's the difference difference is exactly this when he's yelling and screaming at them everybody's saying no enough with your big ego know it all they have a lot of words for him me apparently they saw that I have nothing to benefit they're not paying me I'm not asking for anything and we're just talking happens to me that what I'm talking about is toorah you want to listen to it listen to it they don't I don't know what they do what they don't do what they keep what they don't keep they didn't say that just what it does you see there's no hidden agenda you see this is purely it's pure it's not tainted with anything with any bias with any ego not debating them this is what it says and they have the sources and so on and they're accepting it and that's the thing you have to understand when you're rebuking people is that it could work every single one of you could be 50 million times more productive than me 50 million times more productive than me but you have to follow the rules rule number one remove your ego remove your ego remember you are doing it to help them not to be right to help them rebuke is to help not to show your people show people your right because you're smart and you're good-look and you're this and yet no one cares help if you want to help do it you don't want to help be quiet you're ruining everything anyway and that's the most important part when it comes to rebuke if you want it to help and like I said until you are sure that your ego has been removed completely it's better to get somebody else to do it and do it indirectly next question [Music]