Rabbi Tzvi Sytner Maximizing Your Life at 9th Annual Project Inspire Convention

welcome okay so good evening my name is v-sit nur I am a rabbi in Toronto at the village shul I am honoured to have my wife sitting here Miriam sit nur she's the the rock in our home and I want to open up with a story so there's a there's this town in Poland actually there's two towns in Poland one town in Poland interesting enough has all boys just tons of buckram like lots of boys who are of marriageable age then another town I don't know maybe 50 miles away there's an another town that has all girls also marriage double age and they realize you know in this town there's a Chinook problem and this time there's a shooter probably don't have any girls gonna have any boy so somebody came up with a brilliant idea they say you know we're gonna do we're gonna send two boys from our town to the town with all the girls we'll make a up Santa merits a sham if this works and the two of them marry two girls from that town then we'll be able to do this more often genius so they picked two boys might Shilla and and yossel why should my train yossel so much rain you also get on the train they already had they already had arranged that there's going to be two wonderful girls waiting with their mothers at the Jetta stop in the other town and the train goes my senior salar are heading off and halfway through the journey yussle says i can't I can't do this I'm not ready I'm not I'm nervous I can't get married I'm done and he gets off the train and he heads back to his town when she says all right so what am I gonna do they're waiting so much keeps going finally they arrive in the town and when the train stops he gets off the train and he sees standing there two mothers two daughters the two mothers and two daughters look at him they see one buckler so right away the mothers look at each other they look at their daughters they look at mice and they go he's mine he's mine he's mine he's mine you got no no he's from out of my face - arguing who's before and much says none of us so relax relax we'll figure this out work it out civil ladies okay they decide they're gonna go to based in let's go to the base then let's go to the Rob let's see what the robe has to say say go to the road and they explained the situation to the Rav two mothers two daughters one buffer so the rod is thinking thinking thinking what do we do what are we doing it is up you know what taka I remember one time was swollen avi I swore that I was sweet with Osama thank you you're strong he says there was one baby two mothers I know what we're gonna do we're gonna cut him in half so one mother Oh repulsive and the other mother goes yeah cut him in half and the Rob goes that's the real mother-in-law I wasn't talking about my mother-in-law let's talk about his mother-in-law so sometimes sometimes in life we say things perhaps not always the best thing sometimes we say things we regret sometimes we do things we regret and that's what this class is tonight's discussion is how do we live the life we want not the life that happens how do we live life without having regrets and that's the topic so I want to open up with a missionary pair cables submission pair calvess that we're all very familiar with that opens like this in a not nearly melee if I'm not for myself I'm gonna loosely give a parish here if I'm not for myself if I don't take care of myself throw take responsibility for myself if I don't focus on myself merely who's gonna do it for me nobody therefore in life I have to focus on myself okay chuny lots me and if i do only focus on myself and i don't focus on my family and i don't focus on my community and I don't focus on how can I make Klaus throw better and how can I save the world they're not gonna make the world a better place and etc etc money what have I done with my life the main action lowak shove a Masai and if not now when one of the big questions is although my first mask on this is what's the connection you have three statements if I'm not for myself I don't take care of myself who's gonna do it if I do take care of only myself I don't look focused on claw so I'm gonna focus on on others what am I doing with myself and if not now when are these three different statements is there some theme here what's going on put this question on the virtual blackboard here for a second and we'll come back to it you with me I'll assume this is the english-speaking crowd and you're just not interactive okay so so there's a palliative care nurse palliative care nurse whose job is to spend the last 12 weeks of people's lives with them so as soon as an elderly person or not elderly person but a young person is told that they have three months left to live they are transferred to her unit and her job is to spend the last 12 weeks of their lives with them and this palliative care nurse makes it a point to really get to know her patients look it's you know last twelve weeks of their life and she's really a wonderful nurse gets to know them and one question that she would kiss aid her all the time ask all of her patients was do you regret any regrets about your life and over the years working in this role she kept a little diary and she would write down all the answers she received from people at the end of their lives what are the five most common answers the five most common regrets that people had at their end of their lives thank you very much that was good okay so you probably wonder what they are curious we have time what's the rush I'll share them with you number one in her journal this is published by the way you can find this she said the first answer was I wish I had the courage to live the life I wanted and not the life that people expected I wish I hadn't worked so hard in my job it was number two number three I wish I had the courage to express my feelings in my life the fourth regret that people had I wish I stayed in touch with friends more and the fifth regret was I wish I let myself be happier interesting enough there's actually a Forbes article that also has a very very similar theme to it and I'll just touch on some of those as well also one of the biggest regrets people have in life I wish I didn't work so hard at the expense of my family I wish I've turned off my cell phone I wish I didn't let my marriage break down I wish I spent more time with my kids I wish I was a better parents there are actually regrets people have at the end of their lives and so what I want to talk about is how do we live life with no regrets how do we live life knowing that we're living it to its fullest we're maximizing our lives so when I was living in Westchester County we actually had a there was a guy every Sunday morning I would see him in shul and every Sunday morning he would say rabbi one day we're gonna learn we're gonna study together I looked at him and we'll call him John because that was his name and I said John I'm looking forward to learning be in touch a week would go by I would see him the next Sunday rabbi one day we're gonna learn together and I would say all right John here's my email address send me an email let's arrange it and a week would go by and no email from John and the next Sunday I would see him again and he would say as always rabbi one day we're gonna learn together I'm gonna give my phone number so John just give me a call we'll set it up no call now while this is going on every Sunday the same thing where every Sunday John is saying we're gonna learn one day one day one day one day one day while this is happening I get a call from this jewel in Toronto the village shul that says hey are you interested would you like to come check out our shul rhythm for rabbi now in my mind I'm going hmm this is interesting and I start checking out this community and it becomes a reality for our family that we're actually going to be moving to Toronto now this guy doesn't know this and every Sunday it's going by he's going one day rabbi we're gonna learn and I start thinking John one day I'm not gonna be here and one Sunday you'll show up and you'll say rabbi one day we're gonna learn but you're gonna look around and I won't be here and the opportunity will be lost we can't live life saying one day one day because one day may not come one day is really synonymous with embarrass us yet in Russia you can are you gonna go to the project inspire it's a shame it's a shame it makes us chef means probably not right I remember my my daughter once asked me I think we play a game I said yeah yeah Marissa Mayer said sure she said Tati what is it Mary Sasha I mean I said if Hashem wants she paused she goes Tati Hashem walks we say Marrakesh I'm Amir it's a sham one day one day one day one day right one day we're going to but one day may not come so the question is how we how do we live in the moment so that we're not missing out on life how do we do that I want to read a poem to you one that I think is just unbelievable it's not written by a Jewish author the author that the poem is called the - it's written by a woman named Linda Ellis listen to this I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend he referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end he noted that first came her date of birth and spoke the following date with tears but he said what mattered most of all was the - between those years for that - represents all the time that she spent alive on earth and now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth for it matters not how much we own the cars the house the cash what matters is how we live and love and how we spend our - so think about this long and hard are the things you'd like to change for you never know how much time is left that can still be rearranged if we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real and always try to understand the way other people's feel and be less quick to anger and show appreciation more and love the people in our lives like we've never loved before if we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile remembering that this little special - might only last a while so when your eulogy is being read with your life's actions to rehash would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your - it's an unbelievable poem but I think the message that comes across is so clear it's all about stopping right now and asking the question what kind of life do I want to have lead at the end what kind of life do I want to have said I led it's an unbelievable thing and I think it's interesting actually I share with you when I was working as a at one point I trade I trained as a marriage and family therapist and there was an intervention that we were taught to use the intervention is called the miracle question the miracle question essentially is somebody comes in and they say I'm having a really hard time with X Y Z and you're trying to get to the the center of whatever the issue is you really want to get to the crux what's really bothering the person and what would have to change for them to really feel like the problem is fixed so the intervention that's used is called the miracle question and essentially what you say to the person is I want you to imagine you're coming in with a problem I want you to imagine that you went to sleep tonight you woke up tomorrow morning and a miracle happened overnight and everything is exactly how you want it to be what changed right now you're coming in with a problem I asked you if tomorrow morning you wake up and everything life is exactly how you want it to be what changed in your life and they'll say Matt my marriage is better I'm less anxious whatever it is right and then you say okay great that's the thing now let's figure out how to work on that is that something that we can work on so I'm taking this concept of the miracle question and I think we can actually utilize it in our lives stop right now maybe you're 30 40 50 60 70 80 12 whatever age you are and jump ahead if I'm at the end of my life now what kind of life do I want to have leg if I can jump ahead and see that life was led exactly how I wanted it obviously there's a scuffle in the world cuz Park was gonna send us things all the time but meet CD if it could be led the way I want to say that it was led what would I do now differently what would I change now I believe this idea perhaps is what's going on in that mission and Pirkei avos it may not nearly melee if I don't take care of myself focus on myself who's gonna do it okay Sonny likes me but if I only focus on myself if I'm not focused on my family if I'm not focused enough on my kids if I'm not focusing up uncloudy strong if I'm not focusing on how to how to change the world so on and so forth if I'm not creating the custard organizations Milani what am i what have I done with my life and therefore of these two which one do we regret more nobody says oh I regret not pampering myself at the end of life you know nobody at the end of sitting on the deck goes oh I wish I had bought myself another car I wish I had spent more time at the gym nobody says that I wish I had you know spent more time on my makeup nobody says that everything people say the regrets people say are things they wish they would have done more for others I wish I would have spent more time with my family I wish I would have spent more time helping claw least oh those are the things people regret I wish I was a better father than her mother that her spouse it's always about clapping hoods and therefore mor they must say if we're not gonna ask the question now what kind of life do I want to have leg then we'll end up having those regrets now's the time to ask the question okay Neela ask me money if I only focus on myself not enough on others I'm gonna regret it so ask the question now what kind of life do I want to have let this is part one of the top you actually wanna start recording now you could and I'm just kidding part one is looking ahead and ask them yourself put me let's put on paper because there's something we all have what kind of life do I want to have lead and thinking back so you know what here's one thing that I know I'm going to wish that I had done write that down and figure out what are the steps to get there this is part one identify it now I want to get to part two very often people will say okay look that's great that's great but Lamesa takla s' let's say I say you know what I want to have a better marriage I want to be a better parent I want to spend more time my kids in less time at work I want to be able to create a custard organization or able to help Chloe's role rabbi come on topless reality life is busy there's a reason I haven't done it so far okay like it's not so simple I've got a lot on my plate there's a mission that says I'll tomar don't say kiss your f net ass net when I'm free I will learn perhaps we could also look at his mission say Alto markeesha F net ash net don't say when I'm free I'm going to ash net change I'm gonna make a change don't say when I'm free I'll do it why says the Mishnah Schemmel OT pon net because maybe you'll never be free don't say one day because maybe one day is never gonna come instead what should you say not one day say day one day one today don't say one day say day one an unbelievable reading the new siva shyam looks at this Mishnah doesn't say he looks in most incredible view it's not that Alto Alto marquisha afternoon extra don't say when I'm free I'll learn when I'm free all changed Shama looks upon it because maybe you won't be free in other words maybe I want every time and you see if someone looks at and says no no no it's not maybe it's not maybe that you won't it's that maybe you're not supposed to be free don't say that one day when I have more time I'll spend more time with my kids not because maybe it won't happen but because maybe it's not supposed to happen I have people all the time tell me you know what Rabbi one day I'm gonna go on this Israel trip one day I'm gonna spend more time you know studying and it's not that maybe this person will it'll never happen maybe cuz maybe they'll be too busy it's maybe they're not supposed to be free and maybe it's supposed to happen anyway listen to this who had one of the greatest excuses in Jewish history Avraham there Avram is he's living in a house of idol worship we all know this story okay living in a house of idol worship his whole society is about polytheism and he's told to go be monotheistic to go tell the world that there's one ocean now honestly I got to say like there are certain things like you don't say in your house no you wait till you're out of the house to do if you have to make certain changes wait till you're out of the house like sometimes it's not the best time to say or do things while you're in the house I'm from hat excuse me I'm not the best excuse his excuse was like honestly really like I don't want to ruffle my feathers and there are my parents everyone's gonna be upset like people aren't gonna be happy if I start talking about monotheism let me just wait till I'm out of the house when I'm a little bit older and I'm off on my own I'm free said I'll go off to university and then I'll start talking about monotheism he had the best excuses ever shalom by is keeping up i don't know maybe you can make up all kinds of stuff right but a car Sparkle with housing black look ha may arts aha I'm allowed to come we base of Viva la chureca an unbelievable reading season to Siva Shalom when Hashem says go let's look I'll go to you go do what you're supposed to do in life go be the great you Avraham you know what he was saying not may article from go leave their me based on vehicle from your father's house go leave your father's house and go do it when you leave Suzlon deceiver Shalom he was saying Lake may our Zilla me basic from where you are now not physically go from there but go from there start now from where you are right now me based on vehicle from your father's house me melodica from your birthplace start it now go be the greatest you now start talking about monotheism now that's what I miss eva shalom says unbelievable thing come on he had the best excuse ever he could have said like I said like really come on like this is not the best time you're like dad I thought my mother really not into this stuff no not sure Malucci ponder maybe you're not gonna be free maybe you're not supposed to be free I sure wanted autumn to start it now while it was uncomfortable don't wait till you're comfortable and it's easy do it when you're busy maybe you're supposed to go on that trip Tara to Cheryl when you don't have the time maybe you're supposed to spend more time with your kids when it's inconvenient maybe you're supposed to go out on that date with your spouse even when like you do have a lot of work not sure maybe when I'm free because maybe you're not gonna be free maybe you're not supposed to be few maybe you're supposed to make time for the things that one day you'll regret even now when it's busy when you don't have the time even when it's difficult now and you say oh come on I get it it's cute one day day one but really unbelievable thing I'm pushing you I'm pushing you because I'm telling you look ahead ask yourself what you're gonna regret and do it now I'm pushing you but you know what you know what makes us great life begins when you step outside your comfort zone life begins when you push yourself it's an unbelievable thing we're called Binet Easter all not Binet Yaakov and we know that yahoo gets his name you sir Ali gets the name when after a fight after fight he wrestles with the Moloch and then he gets the name you throw what gives us our name in life what gives us our real what makes us who we are you know makes us who we are when we fight the good fight when we push ourselves to the limits that's what gives us our shame that's what makes us who we are not easy streets not one day not when I'm free you do it when it's hard you push when it's inconvenient you step outside your comfort zone that's up in the east row we are people that fight there's active Semitism there's all kinds of optimism there's things that that's pushing us that's going against us and we push back that gives us our name what makes us great in life is when we're able to fight back when we're able to do the things that are difficult even when it's inconvenient look ahead ask yourself what kind of life do I want to have lead so that we live the life we want not the life that happens come on how often do people say you ask them oh so how did you end up here how did you end up in this job well I go one thing led to the next I miss path let me end up here and then my kid and so we have to switch here and then I got a job there and that's how I am here today well that sounds really thoughtful come on wait what life you want to leave that's gonna make you great share an amazing story with you there was a a battalion of soldiers battalion of soldiers is dropped around 3 o'clock in the morning into the Iraqi desert and there they're on a very top-secret mission there's about 50 soldiers and as soon as they they answer all them go into their Humvees and they start driving through the desert shortly after 5 minutes into their into their drive all of a sudden RPG missiles come hitting all the all the Humvees they blow up one after the next there are two survivors the commander and one soldier it's 115 degrees fahrenheit in the desert and the two soldiers look they figure out their map where they are they get their bearings it's about a three-day walk to the nearest US base so they start walking 115 degrees sweat is pouring down their faces their lips are parched they're thirsty they walk for about eight hours they stop for a water break commander picks up his canteen takes a swig the private picks up his canteen takes a swig and he realizes it's empty looks at the bottom bullet hole went straight through the canteen so he turns to the commander's this commander can I get a little bit of water commander says no sir okay they keep on walking another eight hours they're on day two and now the private is so thirsty he says commander please commander takes a swig of his looks him in the eyes and he says no soldier says commander you know army rules two soldiers in the deaths are only one canteen of water you've got to share that water you know army rules commander looks and he says stand down soldier you're not getting anything day three he's dying he's had nothing to drink and turns to the commander and he says I'm gonna survive just to have you court-martialed you're a sick man the commander says no you're not you're gonna die in this desert takes a swig and the two of them walk they finally make it to the base and they're there on their hands and knees crawling through the sand they see them from far they quickly send out paramedics paramedics grab them pull them into the into the army base hospital into the tent and they start reviving them back to life and they come up to the commander after hearing the story from the private and they say commander is it true that you didn't share your water you know army rules two soldiers in the desert and he says it's true and they say commander you know you can be court-martialed why didn't you share your water and he lifts up the canteen and he shows him that his also had a bullet hole in the bottom said so why did you put him through this he said I knew that if I didn't get this soldier to be so angry I knew that if I didn't really challenge this soldier he would have died but if I challenged him if I push him to the max if I give him a challenge that's what's going to make him survive that's gonna be what's gonna make him great it might not be convenient it might not be easy but we've got to stop we've got to look ahead and then say what kind of life do I want to have led at the end at 120 when I'm on my deathbed what am I gonna say I wish I had done what's it gonna be more time with the family more time with this spouse I always wanted to start a country's I always wanted to see a speaker I always wanted to go the home pleasure office whatever it is I should have I could have one day no no no no day one now and even though it's not convenient that's gonna be what's gonna make you great let me pause for a second and recap we opened up talking about the mother-in-law the idea that sometime we say sometimes we say things that we regret but we don't want to live life with regrets just like this palliative care nurse the five top reasons at the end of people's lives people have regrets but how do we not have repairs how do we not say one day one day Emira Tasha I'm like my daughter said it merits a sham one day instead what do we have to do like we saw in the poem the - they look ahead we got to think what type of life do we want to have lead in that little - what do we want that - to represent and we pointed out that it's not easy it's very not easy but what's going to make us great is when we push ourselves to do the things to live the life we want to live even when it's inconvenient even when it's tough just like we see from Yaakov you throw that's what we are our name it's the fight that gives us the name of who we are that's what's gonna make us great I want to end off with one story so just to recap just to recap there were two lessons one look ahead know what you want to have lived and lesson two do it now don't wait don't say one day day one make it today tomorrow those are the two lessons let me end up with a story so there's a this gentleman his life dream is to always wanting wanting to have met Elio Hanavi that's his life dream he wants to meet Elio enough II so he goes to the boss Shem Tov and he says hey look about chef can you tell me I want to meet Elio anafi well Shem Tov says oh you wanted me tell you enough II I'll tell you what you do I want you to go up to the Carpathian Mountains on era of Rosh Hashanah and on era of restaurant of Carpathian Mountains over there you're gonna meet Elio enough e now it's a three day journey to the Carpathian Mountains so he packs lots of food and he starts traveling and he arrives the top of Carpathian Mountains on air of Rosh Hashanah and over there he looks around and doesn't see any Elio enough E disappointed he just sees one little house he walks up knocks on the door a widow answers the door nine children in the house she's gonna help you he said listen I came here for a purpose and I have nowhere to stay do you mind just for us to Shauna can I stay with you in the the children she says listen we barely have enough food for the family we really don't and he says don't worry I have enough food for your whole family I just need a place to sleep she said okay no problem is some hay over here you can sleep over here on the floor comes in Russia Shana first night stays there looking around waiting for Ellie Oh enough Eno and Leona this goes to the end of Rosh Hashanah gives them food waiting a whole time for Leo and Navi no Leo enough II he's broken he's angry he goes back to the baal shem tov three days later he arrives about something about sir what happened you told me her brother Shana I'll go up to Carpathian Mountains I was here Leo Navi I didn't meet him my shelter says you didn't meet him I I'll tell you what go back to the Carpathian Mountains on air of Yom Kippur and an air of Yom Kippur you're gonna meet a Leo uh no fee at this point is a little skeptical but he packs his bag again three days worth of food and he heads up to the top of the Carpathian Mountains he gets to the top an air of Yom Kippur nee looks around he's no Elio an avi the same house he figures look I need a place to stay so he walks up to the door and he's about to knock on the door and he hears a little voice mommy mommy what are we gonna do it's air of Yom Kippur how are we supposed to fast the next 24 hours we have no food and the mother says my kinder don't worry just like Hakadosh barukh who sent us a Leo our Navi before us Hashanah he's gonna send us a Leo our Navi before Yom Kippur and right then he knocks on the door on both sides it's not easy to look ahead and to think what am I gonna regret at the end and then to look back go back into our shoes right now in the moment we are and start making those changes now it's not easy but one thing's for sure you're going to discover parts of who you are you're going to start discovering parts of you parts of the o le o a Navi that are within you if you can start making those changes fight the good fight and live the life that you want not the life that happens thank you very much