Rabbi Shmiel Neiman and Rabbi Yitzchok Loebstein - How to Relate to My Child and Be Matzliach

more Hashem we both have discuss the privilege the duty we both have the privilege the duty of receiving calls dealing with families different challenges she was more into the the halacha aspect rather dying so it's gonna try and share with a little bit some of the questions frequently asked questions and some of the answers hopefully I should speak English so first idea this doesn't vary English English okay if it's not my first language repeats ago helped me yeah okay the a lot of people ask me the Shabbos what if if a child is a Macau shops Buffet hacia he drives a car and if you see if he's considered like a McCollum Chavez yeah if the iron is a Nessa if he cooks the meals is special action or he's not considered like like a mcconnell shoppers like a cameras ultima somebody's macabre a seer it's like an ugly so this is the question I got from a few people that be sexually I'm saying the question is when somebody's McHale Shopify has here in Hollow Earth considered like a like a go when he touches wine CI Nessa if he if he cooks is special Arkin so the question is if such a kid is Macau Chavez refer a seer if this is considered like if he's considered like ie those considered yeah so the answer is he's considered like I eat 100% he is not considered like a Mahalo Shabbos and we shouldn't watch the wine you shouldn't you don't have to buy a new show it can be normal wine he doesn't it's it's not it's not considered like like I go in when he cooks yeah you'll add a let him cook in the house it's not considered lavish alarcón and the reason why it's very posh it not a bit truckload a favor he's so disabled connection each bar and the game areas such as such a concept of a Tanish and Eva technician yzma means a child who was born by and his attention is bobbing Avakian today it's at in action is bad the technique was broken the people were by the sea from the premiere ah so few minutes ago he tried to explain what happened to this child when he was young or he was kalila abused molested or he didn't feel in the system and every day he went to school he was broken so it's at inaction is but it's not a child that somebody liked make up his mind from now on I don't wanna keep the Toyota I want to be a Mahal Shabbos like he has he has he has a choice in a made of his mind I want to be Macau Chavez has the Sheldon every everyone knows that this children they don't want to be Macau Chavez and then and then and at the end they don't want to do a rarities this is hundred percent they are nish bad it comes from from old from from from old sickness has a shot on to say that this children are are sick I got a lot of critic when I said it a lot of these children had like I said a lot of Scheuermann under on the whatsapp it was a cold I remember now physically Laden maybe you hate it but I had a lot of from from from a lot of these children why do you say we are sick we're not sick I'm not saying they're sick they're smart and they're not sick but you know the standby me to say it comes from niche birth they were broken the system broke them and therefore it turned out what they are not trying my Shabbos but has a show not to say they are Macau Shabbos they are not hidden there hidden he is supposed to give sadaqa for them it's not a shot on Macau Java see you don't give sadaqa for them because you're not giving you're not supposed to give to dr. McIver's no they are not considered like a Macau jobless and I want to say and who is the doctor you have to give her this child sadaqa more than every darker in the whole world like the man I'm going to father like a soft a child and at costume that's $1,000 a month and he can give to doctor because he the whole sadaqa goes for this child so now Lawford you should not have said that you have to give the doctor for you for you for you for your family before you give to dr. other people your right to be talk you mask him so so we have to try to give to dr. fidel for this for this for this child and we make I'm the Mitzvah that in this brings out a gavel - gasps - am I am that because what he says you are taking care of your children I will take care of my children so which we should know that there are hidden and we have to be Mikasa clamp the kimono says in a few places that dysfunction caused by being broken is what purifies the kids it's pure innocence after - we are also zu hetero say there's only one thing that makes somebody tire completely tire the more dysfunctional you are the less they're gonna the less you're going to be judged for what you're doing the next question other question what came in a lab that I I do the I deal with my children the way of to a twisting parenting yeah we all know about it but my father my mother my famous figure they are against it and they don't want I should go this way and I always have a fight with them they want and always when the the Cenacle comes they they are doing differently the way I am I am we are dealing with it so the question is a who has kept it away I'm responsible that my father doesn't want I should go this way I have to go a different way because my father told me I should go a different way or I have to do what I feel is the good thing for the child yeah good question I should answer drink it yeah the answer is that that capital n doesn't exist here the kibbeh mm means she cannot access give it away means when you father your mother don't have what to eat you have to you have to make this sure have what to eat and also with the money from them it's not from my money and chanel is the circle of his Michele abs you have to do the money if I want to buy a pie pizza it should give me the $10 I will go buy to him but but I have to serve them food but the lifestyle I want to live even like I want to work I won't have some type of a job and my father was telling me I don't want you should do this job in a locker you know supposed to listen to him I like this job but to make money Halleck of the key you can save a father I want to do this job he shouldn't be a market so if you shouldn't say to tell them that that's none of your business don't yeah it shouldn't Alastor us the world of you shouldn't you shouldn't answer with hootsburgh but you don't have to listen to him when it comes to this type of children and you chose this way because you see that this is the way you have to deal with the children you shouldn't listen to your parents even the even your parents is that they are big tsadikim even Rabanne i'm even don't listen to them it's not it doesn't have to do with give it away and then we have to know that first we shouldn't listen to them and then we have to know that it's it's a resurgent from our parents that they that are saying asks what to do again the Sun trying to bring out we shouldn't we should make up it does have to do with give it away and the second thing we have to know that they are not right our parents are not right to mixing in and our business that means what's negate for us there's a sham we will be grandparents it's not our business how our children are dealing with their children it's not it's not our mission everybody has children everybody has to deal with their children it's not it's not a it's not a enough Camino for the Zeta for the Bobby how they in o'clock are it's not their business it's the business from the parents so I mean to say we have to we have to understand that when we don't listen to them it's not stun it's not it's not negate keep it away I mean to say they are wrong they are wrong why they say opinions how we should deal with our children so we shouldn't feel bad I'm not listening to my father to Missouri to my shredder my frigate none of them of their business so therefore we have to know we have to do the thing what we think that's right let I said yesterday a lot of a lot of times it comes and snake is maybe we are going the wrong way who said that's the right way I explained it yesterday that it doesn't exist the thing in this world we should do and we shouldn't have so Akos this is the way it goes every good way has snagged them he chose this way you have to go over this way and we have to say it could be it's not the right way but but this is the way I chose my father does the world want I should go this way but that's the way I chose even it could be it's not it's the wrong way because that's the way I chose to want to go [Applause] tell you a question that was asked many times and it's a very sensitive one but it's it's playing on all our hearts we all went through years with our hips with our children with our child our challenged and challenging teenagers and first we go through the walls and then bore Hashem we get to some place where it looks like this hope and this direction and we get mahalik we get trained and born crush em there's no more Wars in the house the child is becoming more functional and he's still not keeping anything and we're being told patients keep loving them keep twisting and it will happen is that true yes completely is anything that we can do to you know parents often feel okay right I've done it right now he's healthier but we want him to be from you know we have a goal is there nothing we can do like you know everything's fine you know everyone loves you the pain is gone you're even going to a therapist and you're even working through your you know the old stuff but you know be still not keeping shadows he's still not doing anything how do you move them on to the next stage so I'll mention a few points but very buckets we have to keep them in mind number one there's an integral difference between a goal between Asia Eva and at CPR between a destination a goal and an expectation a goal is something that you strive for not necessarily somewhere you have to reach an expectation is something that you expect to happen when you don't reach your goal that's okay but if your expectations get let down then you start feeling failure nobody fails when they reach when they don't reach their goal but you fail when your expectations are not met so we have to know is here this kite a goal with an expectation the answer is both the answer is both but keep that in mind how do we know for example all that we will have will trying to work on ourselves and it's nothing to do with here nothing to a challenge teenagers what a journey how do I know if the point I'm trying to get to is a realistic expectation or a farsighted goal the answer is try try it once try it twice try it three times if it usually works then keep it as an expectation and just keep moving keep moving and you'll keep falling and that's the way it goes if it's just not happening you can keep it as a goal but leave it it's not an expectation anymore that's number one so whatever we're gonna discuss it with your child you're trying to bring him from where he is now to the next stage whatever wherever you are marked it to be you can try we'll soon see how you could you can try if it doesn't work let go if it becomes an expectation instead of a goal and it leads to rejection and failure we're going to be plummeting straight down number two it's very important to know the difference between a Jew Judaism and a Jewish culture and if we get those confused then we're going to be completely out and much of what happened that's caused these kids to go down is because we've got that confused it's like if there's something about Judaism I'm not keeping that means I'm not I'm less of a Jew or if there's something about the Jewish culture like wearing a hat and jacket like having long hairs like not eating curb rocks or you know there's many examples little different levels of head covering for the men and the women you know it's like is that is that to do with being a Jew is it to do with Judaism or is it a Jew part or a section of the Jewish culture and we must not get that confused who he is as a Jew is number one we discussed it over the weekend you're supposed to love him for being a Jew and nothing he does or doesn't do can affect that FLP sure hot oh yes royal who he's not less of a Jew or more of a Jew than my sherbe know where his keeping mixes are not keeping riches what what what is the difference with them it's it's it's Judaism okay but are you getting confused between Judaism and a culture and just to keep it broad but don't go easy don't pull me on the on the word mean hugging homeless right and and down many commas I mean hugging which are brought in so Honora waiting six hours between meat and milk is that Judaism or is that culture so it's input it's very important to know if if we'll be speaking to a forum of your Shiva bokram we would say it's Judaism it's a halakhah it might be a home run the shaft says yes maíam should do it it's your meaning you've always done it there's a problem of Nidoran so it's true I mean it could be Judaism but in essence is it Judaism maybe not the show Honora quotes there's all sorts of people and men hug him who wait three hours who wait one hour so we're in I don't know if you heard this I think I said over this week where there was a boy who who was eating on Yom Kippur because he had written himself off he said I was the biggest a variant in the world so like not eating on him Kippur wouldn't have made the difference and I asked him tell me about the are various you did that wrote you off he said well I just couldn't wait more than five Burrell's and so he in his mind that's Judaism so I'm not and and Judaism and being a Juba Crowell got confused so if I'm not waiting the six hours then I'm not keeping Judaism if I'm not keeping Judaism then I've got knows I'm no association to being a Jew and everything we're not reading and then I took a step back and says number one you're a Jew without Judaism number two this is nothing to Judaism it's a minik and it's a good one and something which might be a goal but you know let's put things into perspective dying voice when I was doing my when I was learning for Smith huh and I was one speaking to one of the very close talmidim of the men Cassie hook famous basic of the last generation and his tell me told me you're going into here or now first and foremost any Shila that comes up to you make sure you're crystal clear is this at a ricer Isadora Bonham is a Gomorrah is it going is it really is it homra is it across the board is it a minik now I'm not expecting all of you to do that you have a rub on him for that you have husbands or have roses or you know you've got to ask the people you have to ask but make sure that we're not confusing it because if we confuse it these kids are going to get confused and if we let's let's take the culture in it's more extreme you know wearing pants longer pick you know wearing every person in there minik what's called long what's called Pierce but is having wrong Pierce is wearing a hat and jacket now is that Yiddish coat is that religion it's definitely not religion is it nice maybe we're not discussing that now is there any good reason that all people that belong to a certain culture and society all dress the same way maybe it's not what we're here for but is it Judaism no and if you put the same stress on how could you go and daven without a hat on the same stress as how could you be Mahalo Shabbos somebody is gonna tell him one day that wearing a hat and jacket that's not Yiddish Kate she's going to say house in always Shabbos because it's all become blended and we're going to confuse the kid in heat and not everybody can stick with every culture whether it's a like a pillow but the other it's supposed to be that way or not is irrelevant not every time every Jew is expected and that's all my healthy Jews all of us healthy people are expected to keep Yiddish kite Judaism to the last you know to the last dot and we all expect it to conform to a specific culture not necessarily you have to keep so Honora but do you have to walk around in the heat of the summer with a hat and jacket it might be a nice thing to do it might be stupid it's certainly not Yiddish Kate the first avaria in the world the heads of Adam Rishon the August replacement para caliph says that the pet was Hashem said don't eat it don't eat from the tree not touching the tree is a wonderful thing it's a home right so her haka will protect you but that got blended right and she said Hashem told me I'm not allowed to touch the tree till the snake pushed I said oh you touched the tree nothing happened and then we got blended between touching the tree and eating the tree and before we knew it she was eating from the tree right and that's what the Mishna says make sure you know what's a home run you can take on all the home as you want but make sure you know it's a home run and make sure you don't we don't blend it and I don't know or come to another points purchase it we've all been trained yeah that's right I'm gonna come to that now right so that's when it comes to goals and expectations try and focus your expectations not on being the Jew because it's irrelevant and not on the culture trying the first thing we have to do is the basics in the Yiddish gate and if you don't know what your dish kite is ask your off find out what the first thing to work on us is somebody came to Russia and said I work in care of and this kid who's Barack's I'm coming closer he's happy to take on one thing one thing it doesn't matter what one thing I'm happy to do what should we tell him to do that's a question for a god allure question for a rose you know obviously even let's assume that we know that you know everything we've discussed and we're going for the basics so what's now the basics of the basics where are we going with this it's a question you should ask her out it depends on the circumstances just it's interesting to know what did your shocked answer and I'm not saying that you should do this how often am I say I'm not giving you up Zach but it's just the inside of a goggle he said then make sure that the cash a room are good should keep Mahalo sorceress Cassius I would have thought Shabbos you know he's not gonna eat it's not gonna be hundred percent caution no he's being with Howard Shabbos he's being a volunteer so it's erm of curious he's doing lots of serious a various cashiers that will come later the aftershock like why did you why did you pick that so chef says that the Gemara says inhuman diplomat s-sama Dallas but when somebody eats makalah acessories then his brain gets a bit messed up right the more of the term the Chamorro uses is Tim Tom hammer right when it's Mason bomb vineet Tom time bomb in English they translated as contaminated it's the same word it contaminates the brain it's called Tim tom says if his brain is contaminated with mahalo sorceress nothing's gonna move forward when going anywhere first let him eat kosher his brain will get clearer and once his brain is clearer he's gonna keep Shabbos he's going to anything right and that's what happens I'm not telling you a lock on the mouths of it's for those who feel that there's family members that need a bit of clarity it might be worth focusing on the cashiers a bit more so once we have our goal yeah okay I'm getting there no no no no I'm getting there right now no little bit and coming for that right now so like we just heard it's it's very very important and the only would like to get excited so we're now okay so it's not a goal it's not an expectation we're moving on most of our tips of these kids when we first start out with them and we first get guidance they're in pain they're rebellious they're angry and anything to do with Yiddish kite is gonna send them further away not a word when they by mistake do something that feels Yiddish feels like conforms with you this kite by mistake he left his nightcap alone or something you know don't say a word not a word if he feels that you're appreciating him for something good religious he's done it's again clear bowed over its again you know I mean you have an agenda you try to mature of me because that's the in thing today and you know I'm now your Mitzvah if you do that it's terrible the first thing and for those who are following you over the weekend there's a ver discovered first thing that has to happen is the relationship he has to feel 100% that you with him your blended with him irrespective of what he's doing nothing he can be the worst of the worst and he'll feel on a 100% level you're with him you're together only after that and only after that when the relationship is so good that number one he wants he'll do anything he can to retain the relationship and to keep that relationship to build the relationship it's worth his while not you keep Shabbos or else or it's not you know if you don't keep shoppers there's somebody bigger than you stronger the you know I want if I want to keep shambles it's because the people are close to me the relationship is important to me and I know it means something to them till you get to that point that he's happy to sacrifice for the relationship there's nothing doing once the relationship gets to that point and I would encourage you don't do this on your own you're getting guidance wherever you live either it's with over here with the group that we're all part of or oh it's gonna be your local Rover or coach or whoever it's gonna be make sure there's somebody with a finger on the pulse and they realize it's time they're ready and then it's not about preaching don't like generally speaking don't tell him you know I think you're healthy now can we cut out all this nonsense no but slowly you'll look for those who with us this morning find the point there's something that he's keeping and if you don't find it you better find it there's something is keeping when you find that point and the relationship is good now is the time where you can slowly and softly focus on on bringing out that point sound you want to ask me add the 23 year old kid who was it was in terrible situations dysfunctional home everything he calls me up and says I've been to all the therapists have been around the world getting help nobody could help me and like what makes you think that you can help me because I said I don't know why he calls me you asked me what what you know what what's on my what's on my card like why should anyone's come to you so said listen I'm not a therapist I'm I'm actually just a simple Jew but if you want to know the difference between me and the therapist I'll make it very clear to you and again I'm not talking about all therapists and they'll tremendous amount of good therapists but I set him generally speaking when you take the world of therapy on large he's gonna make you become a healthy human a healthy going because that's all he knows he knows that there's a body we have you have retained we have desires we have what they call where we were it is we have our whole makeup and he's gonna try and make that hell but there's one component that he's not being he's not associating to you have a no-show mer he might be building your goof you'll become completely healthy but inside of you there's a little place inside that's crying out I am Anna Shama I also need to be coached back to health and starving he might be putting on all the you know all the game you know I'm so happy I you know you have to stay home you know I could go out a person and have fun no inside there's a void a big black void and if you can't fill that up you're not going Noah says with the reason that one has to go to a therapist who's got some association I'm not talking now about is he black hat not black hat no he's got to associate and identify with the fact that there's a very strong component inside you called your neshama and that my shaman need sustenance health exactly like the body does it's got to be done right once he's back to the place of he's healthier in the body's there before the soul body's healthy his hormonal system is working right his the whole system is not working right as a person now finds that neshama and this is somewhere there if you can't find it you're failed right something very big therapists in your line called me up said I had a case for you I said I'm not a therapist what do you want from me he said to me I can't move on with this kid until I find something positive with him I can't find they're working for a year I can't find anything good in him but I said I know that after an hour you'll be past that and it's nothing with me you just have to just find ask the right questions and he'll tell you worries so when you find that spark that's Shabbos that he kept we gave some examples this morning even if it's something the stupid is that not eating curb rocks but he will come home with his car and they'll say that 2:00 in the morning but he won't eat go braless whatever it is and find that point and then don't say ah I can see for Hashem soft soft you're coming to your senses and you're not eating curb rocks don't do that that's not going to work but if you bring out the the pot foot by start by acknowledging it must have been so hard for you and I'm so proud view that in spite of the fact that you're hungry it was late you know you have this minik and you prepare to be moisten efforts for this minik I think it's amazing give a compliment don't make it conditional hour and now just acknowledge the fact that it was hard for him and that he's got to the point of well and if you really want this to work to move on then don't just stop there and say it must have been hard I'm so proud of you say something about what it shows about him you're a strong person you're the man right it shows that you have strengths it shows that even though you're weak and tired you have the stamina to fight through that and to to stand up for what's important to you don't tell him yeah I don't think it's so important now find that point and show associate in his mind let him associate it to something about himself not just about something good he's done because if it's just I'm proud of you you didn't eat go brougt okay so maybe tomorrow I won't Nika Brock's again which is good but if you say wow that shows that you have strength to overcome struggles it shows that you're maturing to the point where you have values your personal values of principles your principled person oh so I'm a principled person it's going to come in six months time Shabbos and he's going to remember that I'm a principled person well if I'm principal Shabbos is quite important though and the being a principled person is then going to make him do more and more things because of who I am and we move forward to that but make sure that we don't lose sight of the fact that what he's craving for his acceptance irrespective and not associated to what he's keeping make sure that the compliments that you're giving him for who he is for being the Jew is a thousand times more than the compliments he's getting for his Judaism don't sidetrack he spent a year with the guidance here we only focus on the person that's amazing oh now we're starting with the Gerber ox so we're gonna focus on the garage no because you'll lose the Jew while fighting for the Judaism make sure that you keep the focused non-stop non-stop on the Jew on the respecting and appreciating him for who he is as a person and on the backdrop of that you can slowly slowly say things compliments acknowledge the the positive things he's doing with Judaism anything to do with culture leave if he never gets there you will not have lost your goal our goal should be Judaism not the culture let him so he'll be Las Colinas so he'll be less lit - ish so he'll be less fraught you know heavy it's okay let him come to Ghana even with Theriault mitzvahs it's no small feat what happens if your kid like first of all I didn't say you should mention the neshamah trust me is doing hmm I would ask him just imagine you had the neshamah what would you mean about you the question is never the question this is not an Stine rediscovering virgin so what's his question is he the anything sir it's a question or answer asking I mean what would it mean just imagine okay forget the proof imagine you had a neshama what would it mean about you not what would it be miss hirevue don't ask him well if you hadn't shamah like okay I'm right so I can't explain it to you but you have an astronomer you're gonna go to hell no just means you're not telling him you know you're not asking him what's neshama Makai of you you were trying to get to the emotion to the place inside him which is if I have a no-show mer I'm in trouble why because if I have in a Shama then I have to learn I can't read why because God created me dyslexic and if I have a no-show mer I'm gonna get go to hell because I didn't keep shadows to the last year and my teacher told me that I'm such a failure because I didn't do it wherever it is no one's gonna marry me etc etc so haven't in a Shama for him means you're doomed right so the most comfortable place for him is you know let's just forget this homeless shop a bit and then I'm safe there's no neshama there's no expectations no expectations there's no failure no failure I'm gonna have a happy life so it's not vanish if not that he's like going on a theological or a philosophical quest for is there neshama we don't have those people around right ask him if you had a neshama what would it mean about you and if the relationship is good he'll give you the answer and that'll be the beginning of the next it'll be the beginning of your next leg of the journey I want to say what Travis said before that that this bother came home he didn't it et Brooks I know for a fact a lot of parents would made a mistake we would say for the child yeah I'm very proud of you that you have the strength not eat drugs but Brock's is only a minik it's it's very you should teach I should be showing my shadows if you have the strand to a different thing why do I go to a minute from drugs right and this is wrong hazard shall never do it if this child took the mimic of the blocks I don't know why I took that money but let's say he took it be Matt Hossack for it wow you have such strength have such such quite as a nephesh you are strong guy yeah democratic the strength that it does he have but don't try to say that a it's better that's better other thing than this one thing wanna say once a different thing that people are asking me to say that why we see the children when they come back they came back by Hashem they are shiny I like like I said before the shine Tarek meters they do Tariq mitzvahs but usually no one from like a metabolism and a cloud wants to go with the with the uniform they don't want to go to strangle their own a face didn't the they done they don't want to cover the head like I'm gonna go get mapped with hair on the street but to tache to not nap cover title and they don't want to go with they want in order to see them we cut the hair the married woman so they don't want to cut the hair the question is why also if they come back why why they don't want to come back all the way I me answer the toilet is very very project the usually the reason why one of the reasons again like I said yesterday the revenge love create this type of nationalist and this is journey of the of destinations they have to be not different they have a different journey than us that's that's the really reason but but usually the oldest this type of children are very angry on the system understand I'm saying it's clear a very very angry on the system they feel it's foolish it's not a mess it's check it because why because the try moves before is before schmira Shabbos going covered this before is before any other hand the toilet that means this is the this is the way this is the way we are we are being maternal that's the way the moistness yeah that's the way the mostest czar the message they are giving for the children if someone goes with shorter pace is a shake it's like somebody told me that is crazy do you say it tell him Shabbos morning and he started to be mahasabha system-wise told me because and anyway can say tell him Shabbos morning because I can read I can say tell em crunch congedo so the SATA Smith Hill Shabbos it's not the same thing not saying tell him good morning Chavez says the same thing like a little shadow so that me that means that they are so angry on the system why the why did they put the culture like he called it before before the Toyota that they are so angry I don't want to go that they don't want to go back there so the anger causes them they shouldn't end they will never come back I'm telling you they will never come back why because this is not the Toyota they came back to the toilet they didn't come back to the we should go yeah we should go with the lavash yeah it's a nice thing yeah we're not going in this this is it's a nice thing yeah we should go to the same division yeah but the children who are injured when they come back they want to come back to you describe they don't want to come back what what causes for them so much pain that's right at one point which is very important keep your fingers on the pulse you might try this it might work amazing it might not it might backfire he might suddenly you might triggered him with oh this is this religious thing coming back again and even though everything looks amazing if you trick if he gets triggered it might mean you've done something wrong it might mean you haven't done anything wrong it doesn't mean you have to have done something wrong don't do it again that's the one motto don't do what doesn't work only do what works you can try life is all about risking if you don't risk you don't get anywhere if it doesn't work don't think I'm now on this quest on this crusade of religion and I'm not gonna stop anywhere you'll send him right back to where he was if it doesn't work call up whoever the coaches wherever the guide is wherever it is call up ask I did this they might say how dare you do that just say well I heard on a panel that okay they'll say oh he doesn't always talking about so say okay fine so you'll do it differently whatever it is if it doesn't work don't do it again get seek advice maybe it was premature maybe it was done wrong maybe it could be done differently maybe we have to wait a bit longer whatever it is don't know don't get carried away [Music] children in order to get them to this is someone you should go I think it's have a love for why you're doing an understanding it helps anyone feel that they wanted to it so I think also with kids sometimes they rebellious just because their mom is telling them to do something so I think if you want to get a child right that is true on a global level but don't forget this son does not he's not got any reaction for the fact that it's his mother if he's still at that place we're not doing any of this like we said first we're not moving forward until the relationship is 100% repaired he it's hope this his mother has proven to him in with whether you caught it with bombs with whatever mahalik were using but you've got to a point where he's crystal clear that my mother loves me and she's not got an agenda and she just wants things to be good for me that means if there's any rebellion left then none of this is relevant my name is we've passed that stage generally speaking it's good to understand why we're doing things we don't have to understand why we're doing things if the cop stopped you because you were speeding and you start asking him well why and you know there's a not make more sense it's not safer to drive faster you know it keeps me focused and you know and like the kids you know they cannot explain to us why marijuana is actually healthy it can actually help you focus and concentrate and all the other things understanding is an excuse very few people actually have to understand before they do something the reason he's not doing it is not because he hasn't understood if understanding is the answer send them to somebody who can give him an understanding now I'm all for understanding of course when you have a time and a disguise you understand what you're doing but it was a youth discussion in the rishonim a thousand years ago in the commentaries of the Talmud whether understanding why we're doing things positive thing or a negative thing right most held it was negative this is a culture we are proud to be part of this culture if he doesn't understand what being Jewish is giving him and what the Judaism is giving him then there's obviously something innate missing here right but once he's he's okay being part of this he doesn't have to understand the small details because we do what we do it doesn't matter why it's very rare the 20 years I've been dealing with these kids I very rarely found somebody that the answer made the difference the explanation made the difference it wasn't I didn't understand so why should I do it I always asked your question I said before if you did it what would it mean about you if you did this without understanding what does it mean about you you can say what when you do things that understanding it means that you're reject it means whatever it means but he will then tell you what he's feeling and then you have what to work with [Music] that you're doing because you're told to do it actually [Music] right but right can you explain to me why women love flowers they cost a fortune it's impossible to choose the right ones they die almost as soon as you bring the money that's right that's right left the answer when you fit when being part of religion and being part of Yiddish guide is its it's an environment it's something I belong to right I know right Hashem he is my life he's giving me everything he is everything to me and for me and I know that he wants whether he needs it or not is a philosophical discussion but he clearly told us he wants us to do something so if he told us he wants flowers it means he wants me and the way he wants me to express that I'm there for him is by buying him those flowers by going out and doing it whether I understand why he likes flowers or not that's not gonna make any difference I am there to do because it's important for me if I knew that my best friend didn't like green because maybe they were in a car crash on a green lawn or even if they don't understand why I won't wear that green when it makes sense or not why because the relationship is such I want to keep that relationship and I know that he said that this is what he wants I don't understand why see if our relationship with Hashem or without our parents is strong enough then I want to do the things that make him happy even if I don't understand why find something whether they're doing portion pieces but where they might be some before th my wish with my daughter's you know I see nothing there's no showers there's no closure there's notes me as their art entities if she happens to walk by the house Friday night or have any suit that she's unusual to donate but I can't compliment any wish I would say that because she's really not she's hungry she's eating so relationship she has a friend okay would you consider marrying them yeah know what you consider marrying them you haven't found a single red line she won't cross none at all nothing yeah okay nothing through the other sky at all no shear I'm not that the cable damn you don't need to be a Jew in order to respect your mother who does she blame for her problems and why'd she hate goods Oh No why doesn't blame him for being part of it for allowing it to happen Oscar asked if she thinks it's God that made this all happen okay then you got it you've got the fact that she's she's soaked she's so attached to God that the only thing she knows about God is that he's kind and this is just not making sense it's a good question she's got such a strong connection to a loving God that if this had to happen I can't keep anything because then there's no God the only God that I can contemplate is a kind one I wish I was on that Moriah all these people who like their leave yudish kites because where was God during the Holocaust well it's amazing I wish I had that level of Emunah it's all about God so we don't understand why he was ok so now at this point she can't keep because she can't keep but she's taking all her tourists and blaming it fairly and squarely on God so she thinks she can punish God ok that's just a small mistake you can't punish God but you know that's a minor minor detail but it's all it's all about her sermons his fault and that's why she doesn't keep shelves the Jewish people understand that some of them I also don't have anything to do with you why well ask oh don't ask [Music] we can talk another half an hour I'm sure you're I'm sure you'll find that spark you'll find that sparkle when you start focusing with it you'll see she'll start focusing on it just ask your questions and you'll see she'll start moving up right so then we've discussed that that's a challenge but that's only where parents have to unblended great but if the relationship is as good as it has to be before we can move on to this stage they'll be past that whilst the kids are triggering the parents they're not going to get to that level of love and connection they're not going to get there because every time the kid comes in it's like holding a big banner you parents your failures your rejects or whatever it is and all the while that we see that banner of you failed and I'm failing you the relationships not going anywhere the first thing you have to do is say I'm a good parent she's a good kid we have a challenge if we need to use them on and be talking for that then then so be it and that's really the only way forward with it you know if you look up and you know there's the seven in the seven steps to be talking everyone knows I'm sure you all know about the thirteen aquaria Munna you should on the same token you've got the seven levels of betoken right enjoy the service are you living with ammonium we talkin it will help you through most of this aim call at several um the Mishima courier or iris or MS the cosna eloquently wrote there is no depression and sadness in the world for some new recognizes the light of the truth so I would encourage all parents are going through this learning them about moon above it the minutes got a good book on Shara be talkin focus on the moon and be talkin and you'll see tremendous change in the house question a lot of people asked if let's say when it comes to make kiddush and she's not dressed music the apples can behold when he closed the eyes it's okay that the apples can behold that you have to turn away so the question is he she came to the Shabbos table and she she's back a dish and want to make a dish and the father should take the the khoi's in the hand and and turn the other side to for make sure she it will make a feel I'm not comfortable so the question is if the father should be Michael go by the post-game who am i cool and this or he wants to be he wants to be mock me I either child will be ashamed it's tough luck it's a problem yeah was a beautiful so the title the title the answer is that when a constant child you Murdoch that me tipsy Shia perhaps mother keeps innovations well the album tonight have a to be robbed the causing shame for somebody is the biggest evader it's it's not it's not a gala to it's a gala tomorrow but is a children from sound although he says a shyly if a person is a lot of you McCallum shadows to save the person from not being ashamed yeah so the chart is it's not it's not time I gotta take you where it's it's a lot nicer so when it comes that the daughter will get if this is the situation you have to be Michael in every Shiloh what comes up and out caucus is another you have to be Michael you should you shouldn't cause pain for this child that means if the dialogue is it should close the eyes closed eyes there are post coming out that's okay so it's okay if like you so much Mary place to come rocks and you shouldn't like they are to be hard with families they don't put much on the table the only put nuts on and I'm not attached on a plastic nylon man on the table and we shall when they eat all the food they don't need to matter there they are people to have this hunger so the this kid came to the came to the place that can come to came to the table and he puts the mats on the table and the father was to serve on to the scream I give out blocks no no no he blocks is a it's a minute it's not a lock so then you have to close the eyes and say okay I would want to have this computer but now because the one I don't want to cause pain for this child I have to do different also a lot of times like the our parents they have they have OCD when it comes to cars like a lot of a woman have the problem there in the kitchen melody explai six-page truck is a big boogeyman stereo for a lot of woman so then now it comes this child isn't isn't this child comes in and he malefics play sick see and she gets so so so like shaking god shaked out that she can't she can't deal with the fact he put the milk on the patter on the part of the counter yeah so so she can deal with it so I always say for for people who are nervous about the Toyota I always say the toilet if a person sees that he's nervous from the Toyota that means that this is not the toilet how could as well he didn't give us a toilet she causes it should cause us nervousness so when if somebody sees that he gets nervous he gets nervous from the Toyota that means he has to go for help there are people people who don't know they help is a thing that it's not made for some people but we have to understand if someone somebody is somebody sees that it causing me pain the Toyota doesn't cause pain so in if we have this challenge I could is Bart he gave the challenge from having such a child and she has OCD when it comes to cars she immediately needs to go for help because this child who triggered OCD much stronger and then she were not able to deal with it so she go for help there is help for it and we can get rid of it and the toy is like a schmuck cuz what he gave us a toy because it should be a leash mark for us not not it's a cause cause of champagne and the same is another in other areas I said a example but understand yeah the ones asked the brisker of the breast growth was known to be very stringent in starers and when it came to eating on Yom Kippur he was very quick to say oh you know this knowledge the on Yom Kippur I asked you out but the people who came in and they got quite quick color from him and they once asked him why are you being Michael on Yom Kippur why are you taking the lenient line for Yom Kippur and the brisk route said I'm not taking the linear line film Kippur I'm taking the humble the stringent line in saving lives and we have to remember that what you think is a cooling-- halakha it's a home render fortress we're being stringent in order to do everything go beyond the letter of the law in order to bring these kids back we're not compromising on the law for procuring whatever it is chef Psilakis benzylic ended without the beginning ironhide Immanuel mine [Music]