Rabbi Shlome Ehrlich on Relationships & living a present happy life.

it's my honor and pleasure to bring on today on the positivity podcast my dear friend M friends I know him already many many years and it's an honor I want to jump right in a topic that schi is keeps on talking about and he's been interviewed about it um just to introduce him he's a big M and a therapist and a and a coach among many other titles that he holds um and I really respect him a lot and he was actually on before I asked him to join the podcast I had him on my personal vision board on a list that I of people that I wanted to interview him and it was just random how we bumped in and decided to record this podcast so I always tell friends of mine expect the unexpected so let's Jump Right In a topic that is very uh common right now people um you know people speak about older bam and what to do about it and I can share my journey about it and tell a little bit from A's perspective I'm 26 how I feel but I want to know schi where did it how did you get to that and what's your advice also to somebody right now B on how they should live with their sort of with their life on a day-to-day basis to stay motivated yeah well thank you so much first of all uh I'm blushing for this beautiful interview okay but I do cherish our friendship for many many years I know your parents your grandparents right um I think that it's a skill to know how to live positive through any situation if a person can't be happy and productive while they're going through challenge a there's always going to be Challenge B down the road they say when I'm going to Wow have money when I'm going to get married that's when it it's not true because there's always new challenges coming up upon you obviously and and I'm not denying the fact a person that's married and happy and has a good partner it's much easier to go through the bumps in life and uh but however a teenager a That's not married yet should and maybe that's a good that's what this SP has to say is to um to bring it to a place where you can be happy where you are while you're still trying to be in a better place and we should always strive to be a better place but until then so what what what is the approach you're saying that to live in the moment and know that this is my journey I can only make the best of right now with what I have right now right that is the right way to go very good question very very solid question and uh as expected from you I gear it up before I came to the interiew um I think that we need need to designate a special time uh a certain amount of time every week that we put into our wow our effort in trying to move on and talk to whatever you need to do to move on from the stage a to Stage B not only anything but now we're talking about specifically for you you designate one hour a week where you sit on that place every week 8:00 Sunday night you sit on there you have an oldfashioned book or you smart and you have a list who am I calling who am I not like call my sister call can you think about me you designate one hour the rest of the week you're you're going to be so calm you know you did what you had to and then you could focus on being happy at the moment you could focus on all the things that bring you uh pleasure at the moment you could you could join a lot of groups and friends and and the gym and wherever wherever you can meet good friends and socialize and take care of yourself you don't have to be married to to have a nice car you don't have to be married to to to work on a business and and uh I think that if you designate a time it's it's it's going to help you in in many different ways that that is amazing and it's also different for everybody so you have every single b or girl that is struggling right now with they have their own version of their story and how it's bothering them um this week I was in bar park for shabas and I was passing through one of my malum from Camp okay and I've always had this guilty conscience that maybe I didn't behave well in this class and every time I see him I think maybe I should go to apologize to him I love that topic let's bring on that topic I'm gonna I'm gonna clarify it right now okay but that's where this takes a turn because I came to notice very clearly that what I did in that class is something that 30 kids exactly did exactly I don't have to I don't need his forgiveness I need my own forgiveness as for why I'm feeling so guilty about hurting this person right and I think that that's super important with every every single person in their life with whatever they are struggling forgive yourself be nice to yourself whatever it is that you're struggling if you're feeling you're not you need help you don't need be nice to yourself and that's something that we are not taught unfortunately but be nice to yourself ah it all starts from yourself you are the one doing the to mitz you are the one that's supposed to be successful in life and if you are beating yourself up or you feeling guilty the Jewish guilt then you're definitely not going to be productive but I want I want to say something that I think that there's old-fashioned generational belief that's that we have in our jeans I think us going to be eaten more than anybody else but it's probably it's probably worldwide that we think that by feeling guilty about something that we did is going to motivate us not to do it again and if I don't feel guilty I am going to do it again rather than saying when I was an adult when I was a child when I was younger I did something stupid it doesn't have to be that I'm going to do it again so the opposite is true right if you are nice to yourself you're kind to yourself you're definitely not going to do bad to others only when you're lacking self happiness self fulfillment self productivity you you're productive that's when you're not going to harm anybody when did you harm someone when you felt insignificant you felt not needed not wanted so you needed to chat with someone else but I want to I want to go on the other thing that he said about because that's very very important to all of you listening um you know I hear this all the time people say maybe maybe when I was let me ask you something uh If someone becomes a in or a teacher in a school don't they know that there's going to be few the kids doing something this is part of the the program and and an adult does not have to ask forgiveness for his childhood doing something he's a regular not liable a little kid Rak something he's not liable so why why should we and and yes if you're an adult and you hurt someone yes you should ask them for forgiveness even if your life goes good right because then you'll be able to forgive yourself yeah you'll be able to move on you won't feel guilty you won't have that all those negative thoughts and is very upset at hurting someone else is definitely the worst thing and so definitely that's right so we started this conversation on the topic of because I feel it relates to me but I also I I want to get into another question which is that if you ask any person right now to name you a couple of their friends that are happy nobody can name anyone happy married or happy so happy in general truly happy with their life the answer is no one and the my question to you is why do you think that is why is it that people are not really happy mean people are happy but everybody has something bothering nobody is a role model of Happiness of true happiness why is that is it maybe because life is supposed to be that way which I don't believe or maybe because there is something in our society in general Society social media what's taking away happiness from many people right now it's a very good question so I I think we'll we'll first understand what the word happy Means uh Happy does not translate to the word happy means I'm happy with what I have wow right you'd say I'm happy with this place I'm happy doesn't mean that you're excited you know there are excited moments very exciting moments like extravagant like like wow and then they have the regular translated the word happy is is already more the neutral line there's a neutral line and then everything below that is negative negative negative the lowest word of the vocabulary is depressed right and one thing after I'm depressed or I I you know whatever integration and the highest word would be what exciting so the middle word of I'm happy people think happy is above the middle line it's not if you're happy with what you have you are good I never thought about that yeah three things takes a person out of this world makes him unhappy what K of jealousy you constantly want to have something that you're not have so you don't have you're not to Freed you're not happy with what you have right you always want more than than you could desire more that you can fulfill your own tavas we talk about we talk about extra and K also you always want something from someone else so if you are in those three things you're never going to be happy right so I I love it because one of the names that we're going to name this podcast is living in the present moment which is something that I really got introduced to the last few years but especially in the last few few months because I was personally struggling a lot with the loss of M um just things in my career and how busy I became with my business and stuff and I learned that all the problems are created in the mind but when you're living present and you're asking yourself what's really in the moment right now you notice that even if the worst happens it's not me it's I'm I'm me Mya is me and this is always and forever and there's stories happening so number one why is is it that so many of us don't live present and how is it that a normal person can understand presentence and then live it mhm um I I I would I would say it that people that are not living in the present moment is they're escaping constantly they can't live in the present moment because they can't face their fears their inferiority they feel inferior to others they can't face uh the the obligations that they need to face so they're constantly running it's not because they can't even if you train them to be they're not going to be because they can't face so let's go to One Step before that let's learn how to live in a place where even if I'm not happy even if I'm I'm not so productive even if I'm yeah I face myself I have I have this I'm missing this deed I'm missing this this uh this chall this tool in life I'm missing this this um what the right word I'm missing something that that that can't help me be productive and let me face it yeah I'm not happy with what I have acceptance acceptance I accept it so the moment you accept then you can go to living the moment wow the moment you accept it's cool but why because otherwise you're constantly going to want to run away from from yourself now and what if I don't want to accept my current reality um that means that you're not ready to you want to you're not ready ready to because acceptance is the first level of of moving on moving forward let's say grief someone loses someone or or you mentioned and that you know I I I work for K Lifeline one of the things I do I'm um K Lifeline has a project K of K Lifeline it's for Crisis Intervention there that car accident we're the ones that coming to inform the parents that child never passed away or the other way around so we were trained I was trained by Dr Fox big Dr Fox from uh from La he comes here trains Us in trauma and you know and grief and all the so one of the layers is acceptance the moment you accept the situation in other words you want it already wow what does it mean accept accept it if I want to live if person wants to live in have uh half a million dollars income a year and they try 10 years it doesn't go they they can't be happy accept it I make only 300,000 I love making 300,000 I'm going to go live between people that make less so I'm going to feel good instead of living between people that make more he works with it and he starts accepting it and living with it and being practical about it he's going to be rich because he's going to be living to people that make less than him or so accepting is a must but some but it takes time to get there MH and it's a process so I don't think the focus has to be that much of course we have to try to live in the present moment and that we can do when we breast work and we when we live with ourselves we live sit in the room like this you know like you fine but but in a daily basis you can't live in the presence if you running away and you can't face your issues or you still want to have K you always want to have something more than you actually have it's uh you're running away how can you live in the present moment well so many people just all they want to do is run away because their current reality is hurting them so much right I think that acceptance of their current reality is like you said is is the strongest part of it and even though it's extremely difficult I think that knowing that once you accept it to the liking or not liking even though it really hurts um brings out something very powerful I'm just I'm a little bit speechless because I'm I how do I tell people live presently when so many people are thinking right now while they're listening including myself that I don't want to accept the present moment It's really hurting me so I think that we there's also the part of which we didn't discuss yet which is Hope which now opens the window which is telling a person that it's really really bad and you're in bed you don't have a job you don't have a spouse you don't have a relationship you don't have joy anything but if you get up a little bit and you open your window you're going to see the sun shining you're going to see potential to a relationship you're going to see a job opportunity a business opportunity so I think that possibly the only way to really get out of it is by creating hope which is how do you define hope what is hope when you're meeting somebody in crisis you don't tell them hope you tell them I'm here to sit with you in your pain yeah so when is it that we sit with our pain when is it that we choose to be present and when is it that we choose to say what else is available let's let's move on see hope is dope okay hope is a drug hope that's based on facts I wouldn't call it hope anymore I would call it a prediction I would call it a plan yeah hope without facts is dope I hope I hope people live in hope in the whole day nothing comes nothing gets there wow so if we say I hope Messiah is going to come today it's based on a fact if you if you're a Believer and you understand thei says says explicitly I will send you a redeemer someone that's going to redeem the mhia for the whole world there going to be a king that all the the whole world is going to listen to him and he's going to be peace is not going to be warn anymore everybody's going to throw down the weapons and it's going to be a peace and calm with the whole world so when I hope for mhia it's based on my facts so hoping on things that I hope it's going to turn out for the good it's not always a good thing wow it doesn't let you be realistic I think it's very good to be real and know certain things I'm going to certain situations that happened in my life it's my gole forever I'm making the best out of it I'm trying to not only make I'm trying to make it practical but certain things that happen to me is a reality that I need to live with until M comes until the end of times so if I hope it's going to turn out of something that's not going to it's dope it's it's a drug and it doesn't let you be real and realistic and also it can backfire because you hope for something so many times and it doesn't happen backf you expectation you drop the whole thing so we have to be careful about hope it's something that I just want to say one thing that you said before I want to I was thinking I think it's I think it's important to listen to to share this I remember when I was a teenager um I was very close to a Dy a very in one of the a brilliant man so I asked him he said ah when I was a teenager I was I wasn't this big time he said that he smuggled in from Europe I think it's said from England a things when he was a young teenager he didn't tell me what it was okay he was caught he was sentenced to 18 months in prison in prison he made himself a I'm going to be 18 months in prison what am I going to do then ah you could finish to become a d he he went into prison with a big with a big that's he came out he went to the I think that most people when they going to prison could use the time wisely and you could come out and be and have a diploma you could come out and have you know I speak for for divorc it's one of my organizations you know yeah and I speak that constantly and I was tell use the time use the time wisely I know that are divorced they went for psychology courses they went for different stuff and they got married someone open up a business so it's just that we don't know when the when the day is but it's definitely hard I know it's easy to say and hard to do but this should be the focus at least the focus is let me use the time wisely I'm going to look back one day and I'm going to say ah I was divorced and what did I do I was depressed I had a full right to some some don't see the children do see struggles I get it but bottom line you're going to look back to that time you're look back to you're going to say okay I got engaged when I was 25 26 27 what did I accomplish it's going to be very sad but if you're going to say even if it didn't accomplish you tried you did something that's amazing I used my time wisely I know it's not easy who wakes you up in the morning you know you make a plan there's no nobody in the next bed there's nobody here you know I know I get it you know but this should be the focus this is what we should try to right so we spoke now a lot about self and how to develop a little bit of a stronger self in terms of living present and and living with hope but also know knowing that hope is dope and living in in the moment meaning I'm maximizing what I have right now exactly when I heard this because I feel like you're just literally talking to me and we're having a session right now okay um um I noticed that it still doesn't work I told you presence doesn't work I need hope you said hope is dope so my next thing where I turn to is people I need a smart person like you that has been you've you you did this with thousands of people so if I talk to you and I tell you really what's bothering me you can help me same is with a friend friends know us very well especially if it's a old school friend they can understand us same is sometimes with parents brothers sisters turn to people can really help now most people feel like they don't have people because either in a moment of Crisis they don't feel like sharing and then their friends we all know this common line why didn't you tell me that you're struggling and we're like what do you mean I was numb I was frozen I didn't want to tell you so my question is how important is it to share and you created so many groups and organizations that help people share so what is something that we can tell tell people listening right now that when you're struggling turn to someone how much how much how much is it going to help that person and is it a good method to overcome pain right it's interesting because on my way in with in Lakewood on my way into Lakewood today I was I got a phone call I was talking to a yid from Europe and he's going through a terrible crisis one of his kids and his son-in-law sent me an email the K I spoke to him on the phone and after the phone said he was like my children told me all my life I should have someone why did I never speak to so I used to say what is it going to tell me he's going to take me out of my problems what is he going to tell me I feel like a different person I'm getting back there I'm going to call you I said no problem going to my website make an appointment yeah but there's two parts just like a we are told as there's two aspects and I feel it's everything it's a practical advice it's not only of course but even in business even in life even in Emotion even wherever we are means take away the things that are bringing you down take away the things that are blocking you that's a be Focus number one what is blocking me what is in my way and then focus on it's very nice to sit by a business adviser and or by a therapist or whever you want and discuss your life but if you're not dealing with the stuff that are slapping you down constantly you're not going to get there you want to get there but your body is not going to let you get there right so we need a lot of because you need to feel some good in order to have to deal with but ultimately we use the same thing so I think that trying to to be productive emotionally physically financially is being realistic and if someone went through trauma some some went through grief yes get it out get it out of your system wow get it out of your system you know I have a therapist everybody hi I have a therapist not not the first time I'm saying it okay I went through my life quite a few things I've shared different podcast and I went for help you know because if I wouldn't I would have something slapping me in my head I'm an achiever if you know my life I go yeah and but I can't look back is any strings holding me back to the wall right if yes you got to cut it off first and then he can start going if not you're tired of a I want to go but he can't right if if you have thoughts that tell youer right you know all these kind of voices in our head that we got out children from bullies or from parents or from Mal from whatever it was or from just the world and and and all these voices tell me it's not going to work you can sit by business adviser and and have the whole everything worked out but the guy is not going to actually do it right because there something in him tying him back so see means do I still need to wash out stuff that I keeping me back I never thought about it that way and that is so beautiful um because I can I can truly relate to that I think I my opinion that I tell people always is if you have a friend that you can talk to then you are good then you don't need a therapist but if you don't have a friend at the moment you better go pay someone to listen to you because it's crucial and I see it even in my business I do social media management for companies and we started having meetings a lot more often with people and I can see in the meetings how they just unpack not criticism but just questions I thought you might do this that so we as human beings we also have questions daily with our decisions we have questions that I also have friends that are available to me that I can call them and tell them look I'm thinking so and so is it because of this is it because of that so I think that when we have another person it makes us so much stronger it elevates the energy you know this with and everything that this whole concept of getting together because the energy is so much stronger so and even though it's difficult it's I I always encourage people to to create friends I also tell people people know that I'm that I'm out there a little bit I tell them I am available I have special my phone number is open to everybody so that I can give them because I know how important it is for people to have somebody to talk to um and and to to understand them know we sayak Kakak you tell someone you other people in in turn you become a wow so sometimes if you don't have who to talk to someone should be go find who you could be right go strength someone else and you're going to have right works yeah so I'm going to move to the next part of the conversation because now that we have friends I notice a very interesting thing and I'm going to share a very vulnerable story that I had I was sitting in my office tonight and I was remember remember just turning left and right and thinking to myself what do I do what do I do here what I don't have anything to do and then I thought to myself maybe I should go to mon to visit my friend mul and then I said listen mul you know you're you're a Monty you can also hear me from here I said find me something to do give me something to do so then a minute later my friend messed me come over and that's where I met you and a second part of that is that exactly a week ago I made a list of guests that I want to have on my podcast and I wrote down five names um I think I wrote like Joel despenza and Ezra max if you know and so I noticed that by talking to to to by talking it out and saying it out there it it came true and also by writing it down to TM to it it I attracted it so I want to get to the point of speaking to Hashem and how important that is um can you elaborate on that because for many people they have no choice but to talk to Hashem because he sees and knows everything but he also answers right away because I ask him for that I'm I'm I'm a little bit onpatient sometimes so I ask him the please help me and I say that just like he can give us things in the physical world he can definitely give us feelings because he's he's at the switching station so if I ask him bash please give me calmness give me peace of mind help me feel loved help me help me feel validated he a feeling is in our eyes even easier for him to give us so what is it how powerful is it to speak out to Hashem I like to be very realistic um a lot of people love very betrayed of talking to Hashem because they asked for many things that didn't happen many people are very innocent and gullible when they're young and they really they're told that you're going to D you're going to get it wow and I personally it's not based on my thoughts based on the thoughts that you know I'm very into is original few generation I don't see it in there anywhere where it says you'll do this you get that wow you D and it's true I'm going to share with you a beautiful story about the van that I picked up today just I said a word yesterday and I got crazy story but the point is the worst thing someone could come there are certain bad which are amazing people but this part I totally disagree with them maybe they for themselves have a very high level of M and they get certain things sometimes because I don't know conversation but you can't come and preach to people this DAV and you'll get it hem says no I want to tell you something and and and then we'll get to is like the power of till which I do believe in the power of till you know I have a school right I told you I opened up a school I opened up a high school a half a year ago for girls that don't belong in the system girls that are on smartphones and social media but very normal healthy girls like like it's a beautiful place in Mon it's one of my major projects gave me towards one day I had a girl came over to me I give a Shear over there every day for one hour it's called a thinking class it's that instead of calling it class call thinking class and girls ask me any question they want about life whatever they want and we ask or or I bring up topics you talk about trust you talk about all kinds relationships life and whatever they want so a girl comes over to me such Aus from A Different World obviously she struggles with and unfortunately her own family uh is judging her I don't judge them for judging her but but they they judge her and they think that because she has this but I know her when she ask she's you know all of these real real sadik so she asked me to me she said Rabbi I want to ask you a question I asked theem so hard for something that I need a small thing and I gave away from myself I took a said and I did a few days from here to here whatever it is I'm giving upm is not interested I told Hashem it's feel in my head while was talking you got to give me something to answer like in the spot wow Hashem gave me an unbelievable answer which was m is true that was happening in my house I said you know my son My Three Sons my three little ones they they need to go for a well visit and some of them needed vaccines vaccine the regular vaccine talk about covid vaccine I give vaccine to regular kids and thought he's scared of the shot so for two weeks he was begging me and he went to sleep on time and he didn't fight with his brother did I give in him no the best thing for him is to get that shot wow even whatever good he'll do whatever he'll D to me whatever he'll ask me I'll so I I said sadic I'll give you other things but this is for your favor no but like he's like he's too young he doesn't get it so I told her Hashem listen to you but he said you need to get that or you cannot get that thing that you wanted I know it's not good for you now no I I'll give it to you next time it does not mean that it didn't listen to you so just to understand the power of T is sometimes and then I want to add one more thing to the to prove what I said a minute ago the cipher is called um pids the first pids from Pap he writes a very interesting thing he says there are three types of Gaz from him sh that could happen on this world some gidas in other words hm says this person has to wait till this this time to get engaged this this person is going to have to wait he going to make money it has to do with the amount ofas if you d a certain amount of you'll get it like we see he wanted to go and 55 515 times he he made a whole and this and says if done one more he would have gotten into made that he shouldn't because knew was not good for him to go in so so so he says one Gaz has with the amount of other gazers that come down on this world have to do with the amount of time you could D from today till tomorrow you could this person has to get healed at this day in that day that moment that's he's going to find the best medicine he's going to find the perfect doctor and we've seen many people throughout life a certain time they struggled with something for years and boom yeah and then he says certain gtis are never going to change hasem says no I mean we can see in this world if someone has amputated the leg it's aiet that's not going to turn back loses a child it's exet that's not going to turn back I mean but it's not so we don't know what the Gaz is what it is is have to time so that's why we D but you cannot come and tell people that you're going to D you're going to get it Hashem does not want to give it to me he knows it's not good for him yeah so we still have to D why we D to Hashem because he doesn't know what we need he knows what we need when we D we become purified we become our ego gets lower and lower an egoist cannot DAV if I have ego I cannot ask my wife for a favor wow I'm going to make her that she wants to give it to me right or a person egoist will never ask you do me a favor they're not going to do that wow because it's shedding another layer of our ego so our relationship has gets closer so Hashem takes away from us something sometimes says D and yes you're going to get it because not because the goal is not you need to D to get it you need to get closer to hm to get it because the whole reason they took it away from you is he wanted to get closer to you wow so even if you D it's exited it's not going to change you're still getting closer the purpose of T is still there and it's awesome feeling of feeling close to the only one that could heal give me it's it's even if he doesn't want to give it to me I Surrender every single time I D with a real am it's not just saying the words like a like a robot I Surrender some much Le deeper level and I get much much closer to and in turn I have a better life and a better life the world to come and mission accomplished now says you can have it you got there wow so beautiful so yeah to to to the concept of ding I heard a good saying don't ask for a bus ticket ask for a Rolls-Royce because it's the same amount of energy but the second part that you said no so meaning that people ask for so many short-term little things ask for for your real G something that you really want and something that can really change your life as the problem that that most people I'm sorry that most people D only when they're lacking something yeah imagine there would be a um a Kal baking or for for for someone or or we light 15 minutes early theas candles every time something goes good get together we're going to learn five minutes today yeah the says one of my he says that if you would if people would constantly get closer to hem through the good that he gives you he will never have to give you the bad wow he says it like Hees do the words it sounds like he's giving a guarantee if every time you have something good you get close to automatically why why should it go back I I happen to agree that it's I'm I'm a little bit of shamed to say that I I do feel that way when I am not feeling well I just or I'm not doing so well in life or something's bothering me I just r a lot more than when something's going well so the outcome of this podcast for me personally is going to be to start really celebrating and G fens talks a lot about celebrating something before it even happened um and why because that's a minuta right it's real a minut yeah so this is my personal my personal thing that I take from this is going to be this to start celebrating the wins and I'm going to make I don't know either a point system or something where it really gets celebrated and one of the actual things that I do is every night when I go into bed I start I thank for my day but I thank for the littlest smallest things that happen which can be a smile from the gas station from you know from the guy filling up the tank or so that my mind learns to find for these little things but I I am going to say I don't celebrate the good things and I think yet and I think that most people don't and um so it's it's super powerful that we start doing that it's it's it's yeah that's a very strong point in terms of davening I also learned this to not ask for a specific outcome because how do I know what I need but to ask Hashem that be with me in this situation not just be with me because I know you're with me please help me remember that you are with me at all times and also I ask him please help me in my journey give me the next step please whatever that is for you because you know everything you've helped me till now uh Steve Harvey says your success rate on Surviving bad days is 100% because you are still here right so please help me with my next step in my journey and I'm proud to say I didn't think I never thought I'm going to say this cuz this is so private and personal but every time I ask him for it he answers me and he gives me that the message the Clue the the the person the hint the sometimes even tell you know yeah it says that theas that you ask to get to get that that that there is a guarantee on that one wow see ask I want to be right in my mission on this world he has to give it to you because there's no asking it for him yeah exactly so whatever you want to do in the journey even it's it's everything towards getting close to your mission in this world that means the mission what hasm wants you to do getting close to hm that's why you're seeing the because whatever you ask show me my next step meaning Hashem what's my next step to get close to you in other words because at the end of the day everything you're doing this podcast is is is hopefully going to make some people's lives a little easier yeah or clearer you know so whatever you're doing you stand for something so amazing l thank you so so that's that's going to give you uh um so that's all you have yeah that that is amazing um I I I just find life beautiful in general and I I think I have that natural positivity but as positive as it gets it also gets really dark sometimes and that is also I I believe very much on the law of opposites and uh I was thinking today I don't think they necessarily light and dark within the times I think it's more light and dark within your life so people have to understand that there's always going to be that conscious and and I'm I'm proud to admit that as positive as I am and what people see that's how low it also goes it can get really dark and I'm I'm not going to say that it's a good thing I'm going to say it just really hurts so for anybody hurting and I speak to so many people I I told people that it hurts so much sometimes I sometimes feel like I'm just going crazy like I'm not myself anymore and that's something that I hear from so many people so let's let's let's understand that pain is is a normal thing that it does get into people and that there's and that there is sometimes no way but sometimes there is a way to go to go about it and how to to heal um I I do want to go in just on top on the surface because what I learned is that a lot of my pain has nothing to do with who I am right now I'm a very capable adult but there's a little boy inside me that's yelling out at one specific things that he never had never got or he's trying to achieve it for a certain a certain purpose like even for me a Fame there's two parts to my career there's the fame and there's the creativity so creativity will always stay this is what I do for a living this I always wrote and I always B and I always had had the mic in my hand that's my gift Fame has nothing to do with my gift that's already the ego that's some trying to prove to either parents or friends that I am good enough I belong I have a place in this world so without going in very very deep into inner trial trauma and stuff like that how do we explain to people that there is a certain programming that happened for them from when they were born and as a child like things that happened even when they were not even born but as a young very young baby and then from 1 to six and and so on so that they understand that not everything that they're feeling or trying to accomplish I know it's a very loaded question so but so they can understand that what they're feeling right now I just heard a very good saying a few minutes ago we don't have problems we have emotions okay nothing is a problem like we said before present everything is 100% fine that's why you're here if not then so there is for adults out there there's always something that's sort of filling up their feelings and emotions that's creating this the problem and they don't even know how to identify it because they're not they're not even fully living so this doesn't even sound like a question anymore so me take over there's a uh there are many different methods of dealing with the inner child and you know life life livelihood and and issues and stuff there is one that became very very famous recently and I'm a very big fan of it it's called ifs ifs it's internal family system yeah the internal family system and parts I think that every person should get a hold of uh some training of it or go to a therapist that does ifs and do ifs on yourself this is exactly what it deals with it's it's it helps you uh understand that we have Parts in our brain and the reason why I like ifs it's totally okay Parts it talks about the other part of you the dark side the collective is so so that's why I like this whole ifs method I think that um just to understand that to break it down we're not going to go through the whole thing is yeah I'm going to say why I don't want because people do get trigger they don't they don't want to talk about healing but I love to meet a random friend and tell them look your father might have not have so many so much time for you and that's why you feel that you don't deserve time so it's okay if you if you understand that you deserve more time so that's without going into anything I don't send them any I don't tell them any I don't do I don't say do this do that so that's there's thousands of listeners that are going to listen and everybody has a story mhm and some associate some run away but yeah so go on so that's what I'm saying I want to touch very surface based what what what is it that they that can help them understand that they're not just what they are right now but they're also very much conditioning to what happened to them conditioned what happens correct right um our brain is a vacuum cleaner vacuums it's vacuums have someone that talks with hands and uh it's a vacuum we're talking our subconscious is absorbing that someone passed by that room everything else that's happening but works not constantly this happened since the moment we're born and probably from before already so all these Impressions that go into the the the the and the reason why why we absorve everything because you have is called root sign it's the desire we have a desire we think the desire is for that we can't confuse Desir for this but there's a desire desire is ultimately to get close to it's a conversation so therefore if we have an AA we're constantly absorbing everything that's going on around us nuances some people are in tuned into the nuances and some people are not so every single moment that you went through in your life as a child as as a teenager with friends with neighbors everything is in you it's there it's there in you in our mind because you started with brain is it in our body or brain or both by the way uh it's all connected it's in both yeah it's definitely connected it's absorbed into the system so we need to understand when when when when we make a decision uh you know should I go away for shabas yeah should I do something uh should I grow spiritually should I do something there are different people speaking at the time there's a whole meeting table a huge a huge round table there probably 50 60 people over there and this guy's going to say you ler last time you did it you're going to start who are you to say the other guys going to say do it do it good cheer on go ahead so if says listen to every voice separate do not mute anybody around the table that's the key do not mute you know you can mute someone's mic in the middle of a conversation if you don't want to listen to them in the conference room everybody needs to speak and understand it's not me it's that voice that voice voice number a is saying I should not do this business deal it's going to fall through you remember last time we did it three times ago six times and then the other voice says no you what sh I'll listen to you in a moment let me listen to this voice okay and don't be scared and afraid to live there live it yes one voice is telling me a very black voice mhm Don say thank you so much for for telling me that why are you Mr voice telling me that because you want to protect me that I should have fallen to another business deal I should have fallen to another relationship right so every single part in our brain is a protector remember that if it's not protected your brain wouldn't listen to them yeah so say thank you very much for protecting me yeah now let me hear what the other guy has to say the other guy says what are you talking all the rich people fell through 10 times till they made it it's 10 business so you have three marriages do the fourth one you'll make it now so so you have so many friends that dropped you you'll make it so everything you listen to all the voices and then you're the one sitting over you're the one sitting and you're deciding what you're going to do and that's a very rational good way to think but if we're scared to listen to the to the negative voices you know I I'm involved in one of in a so so they call me every now and then to the the to the meetings the the the vad yeah so we're sitting by this vad going on for years every every few weeks and there's one guy over there you know he sees always the cup half empty yeah totally empty for some reason there's water in there like negative as you could get and he has a big loud voice and he's always and they wanted to kick him out of our meeting so many times and I said keep him here wow let him balance the conversation yeah let him balance the conversation if everybody's saying yeah let's buy another bus for the we'll make it we'll see and he says no how are you going to make the payments it's amazing we need that it's amazing it's amazing because I have my the CEO of my company of web media is also like that and meaning that whatever I say instead of just agreeing she has her perspective and my family asked me many times you pay her like why is everything like a conversation and and that's exactly what I told them because because she's just the opposite of who I am that's why that's why this is very other it's preaching to the choir right beginning right so so but but that's but that's interesting because for example you invited me for shabas and I right away had all these voices go off like you said but it still didn't help I had a voice telling me that I won't enjoy I won't be comfortable I won't be uh safe I won't I won't feel socially comfortable I'll have regular anxiety social anxiety whatever and then there was one little voice that was automatically silent which said you know maybe you're going to have a good time like people are going to listen to you you're going to feel like extremely happy and validated the question is where do I go right now good ide be after this happened a good question I I I have um a method that I think is something that everybody could use and it's not only no no sh ifs it's just the general thing is whenever you want to make a decision should I go for sh should I not so you make a list of all the reasons why you should go and in your head is going to come in oh but you shouldn't go soon okay only why you should go this side of the pal okay when you're done you turn over your hand this is not allowed to see this side not this side and this side on the other hand I think you should on the other hand no not one hand they should not see each other you do all the yays and then you do all the Nays and then you you'll have your answer automat or you could start nay first or yay first wow but I'm telling I use this yeah and I told many many people in the world and they said to change their life you make a decision in our brain if I'm not but if I'm not going to go down that you're never going to get clear yeah so someone calls to me for advice right and sit with me even a shield you know you can imagine after d people come this is the this is the second thing this is the second thing I'm going to adopt going to start celebrating winds and riding down Y and nay and It Go but don't go to the other side before you until you ask it when you're done with the list say now I need to force myself two more reasons why yes and then your system feels I really said yes I heard about that method and then you turn over and probably the time you halfway down you have your answer I heard about this method let's I tell people to do it with find how many write down how many ways you can do you can find your bash so maybe you said so they said they write down right I can call a sh a friend a family and then they stop then I tell them find 20 ways so go on so then you're going to do four is I'm going to look in the and I'm going to check the five I'm going to ask and shield six they when 67 it doesn't go anymore find 20 reasons teach your brain that even when there is no option anymore you still find another way and another way and another way and another way that's another thing that's not this this is the Govern decisions yeah exactly but you're right that's force your and they regarding the list I also saw from Mel Robins which is by the way Jewish but she's very big and popular with her own method she has the 5c rule she has the high five and the mirror rule and just interesting concept and she says the same thing with your life like write down what's the things that serve you write down the things that are hurting you and just start doing more of the things that make you feel good and stop doing the things that are hurting you I feel like that is just an amazing concept that just simplifies life um I think we spoke a lot about deep stuff and pain I the podcast is really focused on positivity but like you said we have the Maru and now we have the and we have the aside to so we got rid a little bit of the Maru which is living yeah which is living present and it's um let me ask you what is a happy good life cuz you know happy good people what is a happy good life someone says let me start from now no I'm not going to heal everything and we know for us Eden it's impossible to heal and the reason is because we went through a War World War II you can't heal it I think in therapy there is AB CBD generational trauma we have in our blood and our flesh 2,000 years of trauma right oh yeah of course right I'm saying but there's I think there's two methods in therapy one is to change the actual story and one is to accept it for what it is I'm not sure what which part you're talking about so I'll explain so if somebody's traumatized from getting married for example we can tell them that yes you had this difficulty as a as growing up but you should know that it doesn't have to that it doesn't have to be that way it can be different and then they learn to adapt or there's another method which is to tell them that yes this is what it is you see your parents fighting yes that that is what it was and understand that it can happen also by you but you can you have the ability to choose over that so I think that we're very much more of the accepting part of of of a society because what happened to us in World War to is it happened and it was very traumatizing to a lot of people question is what do we do right now since we can't change it what do we do right now do we stand up as individual Heroes and make the most out of our beautiful life or do we um or do we just cry about it because changing it is not going to work I believe in designating times for everything okay obviously can't force emotions Emotions Don't Go with times that much but at least you could plan you put yourself in a in a moment where you go to to to Shield Friday night where it's a shield where there's a lot of singing and a real gaka place not just like this robotic so obviously you know you're going to come home emotionally excited with your Shas and if you go to sh with like so we could set up a place to induce our emotions to come out or not to come out so we could a little bit control our emotions in that way in many different ways you set yourself up and you you meditate you going you know you're stressed at work go into a car drive to the local park the smallest local park sit down on the bench for 10 minutes go back to work your new first and second half of the day so so our actions could impact a lot of of of our feelings way they should be I think that if we want to be happy if we want to be productive if you want to be um in good healthy relationships and not not feir relationships um we have to put ourselves in a place where it's going to induce it yeah so so it's like you said if you put yourself in an environment where where you loved and you cherished and you appreciated and and needed then then you are going to uh to find yourself in a better place can you control emotions all the time no you can wake up one morning and a down and a lot of it is biological it's the hormones it's not only always circumstantial because so so that's we deal with it you know it's uh I love how you said it because I feel like I'm hard on myself with emotion I'm constantly wanting to be the best version of Ellie Weber which is happy and excited and even better version didn't know that but I feel like like you said emotions emotions get to me like it's and it can be very overwhelming and especially for men we don't talk about it because uh you know you're not you're supposed to be the the the the strong personality and never feel whatever you're feeling so it's a it's that's a I think a very big Challenge and and what I've seen from my from people listening to me that they constantly love it I started now a new practice which is talking in the mirror every day and telling myself that it's going to be a good day and I ask myself how are you feeling today and I tell myself that it's okay to not feel so well and I've never gotten thousands of responses of people saying wow you inspire me oh you Shar this yes I shared the video and which was a difficult thing for me but I believe a bigger Mission than myself yeah and just being honest like yes I struggle with a lot of things in my life my life is not that great really but I think that it is great so no meaning to say that it's I feel like I feel like I have a full version of life I feel like I got the full package the excitements the the that's what I meant with my life is not that great meaning I'm I'm I'm embracing it I'm I'm very happy to have the the the the yellow jellies as much as I have the the red ones and the blue ones I think that it's that that's really what what life's life's about and even though many days it's difficult to accept the reality of the of the now because it's just not really the way I want or not what makes me feel really comfortable I still tell myself that it's okay to feel this way it's okay to not be exactly where I think that I want to be in my life um because this is the uh perfe Perfection imperfection is the is the Perfection of life I believe you said before way before you mentioned I want to say part of it is based on and the idea of what do really we're thanking for the light for the sun the sun the whole world is on the sun the sun brings fruits vegetables weather everything is controlled by the Sun so we thank for the Darkness you need to go to sleep at night you need to have to rest and need to go but there's an interesting words he says is so Darkness was created and is it's like it's like I create a piece of metal and from the metal I make a car so light is only a light is not a BRI created darkness and then we see in in the beginning of the it says he first created darkness and then he created a light to fight the darkness who's got food he says a very interesting thing he says that yes every time there's a dark moment means there was an energy created it's dark you take that energy and by but choosing to turn it into good you took the the new creation that's black and turned it into F yeah right so so let's say uh let's be practical let's say someone calls you in the morning and you wake up the morning neutral mood you're neutral you're good and he calls you up and he tells you something very bad this this person said so and so about you this person whatever anything that's going to you get cooked up so you just got a piece of energy let's say energy level 60 energy level 60 in you have a choice that's where is is where do I take this energy that came my way okay to to keep it black or to turn it white yeah so it comes a level 60 of energy of black energy you feel down he feels say okay so what am I going to do with this I'm I going to be angry at the person or no let me use this energy to do something good I'm going to I'm going to do something good out of it so you get a level 60 level 50 level 40 you're saying with your emotions not with the physical action right amazing it's on what are you doing now with that energy that you got every emotion is an energy wow so let's it's a negative energy or a positive energy even someone called you up in the morning and they said you know heard I don't know why something so exciting for you you have an energy what are you going to do with that energy are you going to become more egoistic you're going to walk into business and and and snob out everybody today are you going to use that energy to to give more and call up a few more people how you doing I'm putting a pen what are you going to do with that energy everything that comes our way gives our emotional energy I'm talking about emotional energy yeah so that's so what has created a dark energy and you turn it into light so and now I'm getting energy okay so a very a very I think a very cozy topic is is relationships so I do want to talk about that and I noticed from my for myself I had this huge awareness obviously that we spoke a little bit about this before off camera that that that relationships is definitely not going it's funny because I even noticed it this morning again as I was meditating after my breath work I noticed like that at the end of the day Ellie you do have an expectation of what your marriage is going to be like but let me tell you Ellie something you you see this feeling that you're feeling right now this is exactly what your marriage is going to be like just with someone else and there might be good moments bad moments but stop projecting what you want because again like you said that the the the voices in your head are telling you exactly what they want to feel or what they think a good relationship is a bad relationship is but you know what's real the moment right now the feeling you have right now so what I noticed is that a relationship is not going to make me break me is not going to add anything to who I really am um okay maybe that's a broad statement but again we can discuss it but I but I I noticed that I am I am a complete version of myself and that that what I noticed is I'm going to go back a second what I noticed is that the relationships that I have right now is a reflection of the relationship that I'm going to potentially have so when I have friends how often do I talk to them how often do I check in them do I really care if I have a a best friend how generous am I to them how much do I care for them how much how much time do I spend with them and even though these friends that we're talking about are are other men so it's you can't always compare but hold on how's the relationship with my mother oh she it's her fault yeah but what do you mean it's also going to be sometimes your wife's fault so did you buy her flowers or not so why am I bringing up parents because at the end of the day it's all about me so yes they're at fault okay let's say that they are at fault but it's still me how is my relationship with them regardless of who they are and what they are and again in certain circumstan maybe it's good to okay but what again all comes back to me if you are single right now how's the relationship with first of all with yourself by the way and second of all how is the relationship with the people you have now around you and those things will determine when and whether and whether you'll get engaged or whether you'll have a happy relationship and same thing is for married people right now what is the statistic of what is the status of your relationship in terms of how what are you doing and what are you not doing so first of all for the singles does it make sense what I said I I know it makes sense for me I'm saying do you agree that if any B right now any girl right now wants to judge when they will be in a relationship or how they will be in a relationship they should judge it by the relationships that they have currently not really okay I'm sorry because I I you you said it within your in your statement I think that um you can't compare a girl friends with her friends and a boy and a guy with his guys and and they're all married or they're not married they're busy it's not a real relationship you know there's many layers levels of of relationships and the husband and wife is ultimately the ultimate Rel relationship so I think think that when a person's happy married the the good comes out of them and that's how I tell people when you go dating you ask yourself is this person going to bring out the good of me or the bad of me yeah the best of me or the worst of me so sometimes people divorce is not only because one was bad they were bad to each other they were bringing out this something triggering at this person in a very deep level and you're div specialist I think right you help a lot of people with these things okay so I think that um in a relationship when a healthy relationship when a healthy marriage uh the good comes out I think every person has rats in their system and every person has an angels and if we're happy and we're in a good place Only Angels come out when do you talk who talks about other people someone that's not happy with when you're happy successful you care about other people so we are not trying to focus to to find our rest that's and work on it we're trying to focus on being happy even even shallow happiness deep happiness whatever it could be to keep your light up a whole time and automatically it's just going to be good wow so I think when a person is going to be happy married that's a their relationship could be very different than before they were not happy they were single whatever it was and the other friends were not really nice to them or whatever it is they weren't there's no loyalty because they have loyalty to their wives they have loyalty to their husbands how could they have loyalty to you a single friend they could take you out sometimes they could feel bad for you or or or really actually enjoy you your your moments with you going out a restaurant but you're not getting that so what happens is you're not so good in the relationship because you feel it you sense that this relationship is not really really really so I I don't think that's an indication but but it does have value to what you said that that you should look into yourself definitely practice you practice and look at yourself how am I with people so I want to add one more thing quickly I think that's important to you know um I'm so happy to be wrong by the way like whole thing not wrong we discussed it but I think it's practicing I definitely think it's practicing yes that's good that's good we say that um marriage is not a hospital yeah meaning if someone knows that child has right a a disorder let not any anything major and they don't want to tell the other side about they got married it's going to be good no no no I'm not talking about that I'm talking about someone in relationship and different stuff I'm not talking about someone that has emotional mental you know things that do have to be disclosed better be disclosed right so but what marriage is yeah marriage is a midest workout machine wow or a personality workout machine if you want to call it different words yeah and when you live with your spouse you have to really uh take responsibility for your actions now you don't have to a single guy doesn't have to single woman doesn't have to take responsibility of their actions they just going to their us yeah but when you're married and you have to take responsibility so automatically it helps you and that's the beauty of marriage right it helps you work on your mids on your personality become a different person because you have to you can't just say ah I didn't mean it what you didn't mean it it's a serious thing so that's a beauty of marriage that's beautiful a universal question SCH me yeah some people say you have to be complete before you get married if you love yourself then it and then there is another very big uh psycholog um psychologist and and and Coach her name is Esther Perell she's from London and she she says this is the opposite how can You Learn To Love Yourself when there is somebody out there that can love you that can teach you how to love yourself and bring out so many things that you didn't even know about yourself so what's your opinion do we have to love ourselves before we get get married or is it is it okay to love ourselves halfway and get into a marriage that that is good and that will teach us and bring us up even more I always say that a person has to be a healthy independent person in order to get married and that includes self- Lov and everything else yeah but you cannot be complete before you get married how can you be complete you never complete even even even a good marriage 50 years and not complete constantly growing I think that um a person has to has to be 70% complete wean need to say you know people come from divorce and they went through trauma with the exes and or whatever it is and then they come on they say when am I ready to get married I said the other 30% you can only learn when you're living with a partner again when you be living with a healthy partner that's when you're going to fix a lot of you can sit in therapy from now to tomorrow certain parts it's not experienced be 70% okay W be be stable be human and then he can move on and then I want to say like this when we are a baby is born the baby is totally dependent on its mother yeah it doesn't even know when it needs to go to the bathroom what the mother takes care of everything as the child gets older it becomes a little independent it knows when it needs it says mommy change my diaper the mother doesn't have to check anymore they get older so the child becomes more and more independent the independent stage is until a person becomes an adult that stat there's a lot of ups and downs but if there's a healthy state of the person becoming independent healthy parents healthy environment healthy friends healthy Community then when the person becomes themselves totally independent they're not dependent at all at anybody they're self-sufficient that's when they can get married self-sufficient does not mean that they totally love themselves self-sufficient self-sufficient means you are able to live alone and take care of yourself in a certain level you don't want to it's not comfortable it's so much better to live with someone that's why you're getting married you're not getting married because you can't live alone that person has to carry themselves plus you wow so but reality is that most people do not come out from the in from the dependent stage to independency in every part of their life certain parts their Partners going to have to suffer or work with them yeah and other parts of their life they're going to be very good because they're a real independent person so definitely yes if someone wants to get married make sure you are able to be dependent independent to live on your own you're able to you don't have to and this goes a little more for men than for women because women are is okay if they are a little dependent more than men because they are the maav they're the ones that are leaning on to us right and and we're the ones that are letting them lean on to us it's like it's like you're the man the strong man and they're leaning on to you but both of you are weak you know who who's leaning on who yeah someone has to walk in strong but it's okay if certain parts of our Lives we're not so we're vulnerable we're vulnerable and we're not so masculine and we're not so do women like to take care of men's problems do they like it when men are vulnerable and honest or they feel like it becomes a burden do they I think it's I think it's two things being vulnerable and honest is one thing yes they like it and and and and helping the husbands no it's a revers role I have to take care of my wife and takes care of me I to give me my wife comes to take me from me so how much how much can I complain to her and how much where is it too much it's always too much I never knew that I it's always too much we are not getting married to to be hugged we get married to give a hug wow okay emotionally and imagine I ask my child to hug me how would I feel I don't I don't ask my child to hug me I hug in I'm a giver and by the way when you give automatically fine that's our taking a man takes through giving not you know a man takes through giving but we only learn that after we get married for a while because until we get married we take my parents take care of me so in that way I'm I'm I'm still dependent on them and if when they get married you're not there yet but after a while and you're living with a woman that wants you and needs you in a happy healthy way not a Naggy wife a healthy wife that wants you and and she makes herself cute because she needs her attention from you and you give it to her and you care for her and you're in tune in her life you're giving to her so you're going to want to give it even more because there's no greater pleasure than you're going to stop taking yeah so once a person's happily married for a while he does not need a hug he wants to give hugs he does not need someone to compliment in a way of of if not I'm insignificant a man needs a compliment a healthy man needs a compliment only for feedback to know in which direction I'm good I know I someone GES me compliment oh I like this SS okay I speak I like this s i don't take it for for for for I know I speak I just want to know if but if you gave me compliment it tells me it's it's it's it's feedback so Fe and I'll ask if I have time with the person not just running away which part did you like why because I want to improve next time I stand to speak I be a to speak better but unhealthy man needs a compliment or to feed his ego oh you also know that I'm the best I'm the best finally you also know right that's unhealthy compliment or he needs a compliment because he doesn't believe in himself he needs someone to believe in him which is okay nobody's perfect but the goal to get the place that a man does not need a compliment and a woman has insecure feelings in her forever hasem put it into herow for the reason that she should want to entice her husband to compliment her to want her and need her and do everything and she loves it and he loves it I never knew that that's the glue of a marriage wow when a woman wants she has she gets dressed every day and her husband says you look amazing today you look amazing today and thank you what it said me because she is doubting it she's doubting it Hashem put in a doubt into wom forever wow and there's a whole SM about how amazing it is tell you her and this makes her that's why they so so much more superum than us in many different ways of of of their lives which which we need to work on H like you were talking beginning conversation about emotions and feelings they're so more real because you said that understanding like how different women are in the first place from men like you think you're going into this relationship yeah like two people you mentioned in in a previous interview like just in in a talk you gave how different they are it hit me like wow whatever I thought till now no they're like completely opposite of who I am so someone asks you not you someone asks a boy yeah why do you want to get married and his answer is going to be I have so much to give yeah I have so much love to give I want to take care of a woman that's going to smile to me a woman that's going to need me a woman that's going to want me and appreciate me I have so much to give that's a healthy Boy A woman you ask why do you want to get married she says I need someone to love me I'm going to do everything the world I'm going to give him everything I just want someone to love me and care for me and be there for me and be in tune in my feelings and my emotions in my life I need someone to know where I am all day I need someone I'm at work I know my husband's are thinking about me I'm important to him yeah and in return I'll give him the world I'll clean the out I'll do everything the world but that's what I need that's a healthy woman but if I sit with a woman and a woman she comes to my office says she's divor she says yeah maybe you can help me find I said yeah you know whatever and said what I someone I'll give him I said stop it are you ready to take yeah are you ready to to be a receiver a healthy receiver with a smile wow not with a nag and with appreciation it doesn't mean that a unhealthy woman here's this what we're talking now she could think that that women are inferior and men are are are are a superior and and and no that That's The Power of a woman yeah to be able to be real and say Yes I need it a man can't say yes I need it you get it wow so I think that you're looky to get married to the woman that's going to it's interesting basically that women fall more into the the independency than men did you just is that what you said yeah to be the like the the man is is in a sense always going to say I need someone while women women can sometimes get comfortable without wanting to accept that's not what I said he said the woman doesn't want no I'm saying unhealthy woman that doesn't want to take doesn't want to take right that's but women fall faster into that you say they could fall yes yes that's true that's true because the men is always going to want to going to want something he's always going to want to give or want to get the women once they they go into that I don't want any more relationship women I think statistically are you see a girl that grew up in a life when she was going through her in dependent becoming more independent stage the childhood or teenagerhood she was uh made to feel like she was rejected many times when she needed something right or tension from a father tension from a mother she didn't get it so now she's going to play the game that she doesn't need it wow so her husband is so confused doesn't have to do with her he's giving her the love and she said I don't need it but if it doesn't give it to her she falls apart so what does he do what does he do that's the problem they come reach out what do they do they got to reach out but but but again men also men men have to learn how to give right but real deeply deep inside our DNA we are givers we want to give our wives the world just be a happy taker show him that you need be vulnerable the problem is a lot of women were vulnerable in the beginning of their life the husband wasn't a real man yet he wasn't a giver yet because he he didn't transition from teenag to adulthood so she was one she was rejected many times now she doesn't want to be vulnerable now he's a real man and she doesn't want to take it's amaz I'm not so familiar in this topic I mention when I get married I'm going to do another one where I'm going to ask and help the people that are married because I'm I'm still looking for a relationship so anyway it's getting a little bit late and uh I I'm just curious schy you're involved and I know at I think minimum 10 big projects and then 100 or a thousand little projects is there something you want to talk about you know you have the show for the hand and you have a mic if there's something you want to bring awareness to or a mission of your person what yes I love that because I'm going to talk about my last project which is the school that I mentioned before yeah um wow where do I start so I opened a school for for girls that were many of them were rejected from their homes or different places of schools because uh would or they dress different and one mother told me that her daughter was expelled as SCH you cut her hair too short or a sneaker with a little gray what you know F let's get into levels in different communities have their own standards but everybody's guilty in different ways yeah regardless these girl so I created a place where these girls are just accepted to have a staff of 14 people in as of now where they love it it's it's a home it's exciting it's what we're seeing is you have to hear a story which which is going to make you unbelievable which the seeing is that they are not judged not only not judged they're admired for who they are and I think this is something that the whole world needs to hear a couple of weeks ago we took the girls it was the end of the summer we took them it was the end end of the summer we found a place that that the Boating is still available all the way upst near monell somewhere one of the Lakes I don't remember which place you know starting a school I wear many hats I'm the fundraiser right I take her the you know me and my wife we both 24 hours in this business you can imagine it's a business yeah okay so at that day we didn't have no one to drive them we have this I kept them renting now I picked up this van but I drove them down I drove them I took a day off I drove them up State I took them to the lake they went with the with the counselors and I left and when they were done I picked them up I picked them up I Googled I found there's a local pizza store koser pizza store open around so we we walked at V store was Mell I think forgot the name of the V store okay quite empty and all the girls come you can met with the wet hair because they jumped into the water yeah and and they're dressed you know and and a level of people that are higher than than they don't sh and there was a couple over there a couple a 60-year-old couple they look like they're from Williamsburg May a couple and I saw those eyes like looking at all these girls and me like this guy walks in with 15 14 girls it was that time now the school is bigger and we were like and he calls me over what this this this this I said they're my sisters and he's like sh so so she she was more Angry than him and she says in y she thought they not embarrass themselves this how the dress all the body parts show the way she was saying and I was like I don't know I only see beautiful Nas I see people that are I don't know what you see and see she couldn't she was talking to the H and the girls are ordering the about and she calls over one girl she says did iish she that's a find yish she says no I'm sorry I don't understand yish she starts thinking you're not embarrassed of yourself this is how you dress you Jewish girl you didn't go to school as a girl you don't know what SAS is she got the wrong girl this girl is smart girl yeah and she made such a music I know give me a br then I should be able to be just give you I'm GNA give you just put on tomorrow long skir just take care of yourself I know I struggle this is my struggle what should I do give me bra so you don't want to give me you don't want to give back and forth and I was standing in the side and I was like like w and then she tells her in yish yeah lady struggles you also have struggles your struggles are hidden and my struggles are outside so this is my struggle I struggle with Wow but I have so many values when I'm strong with my my life and everything else and you still don't want to give me there the only difference to me and you your struggles if you I don't know if you talk or not it's definitely a bigger than or this or that this is my struggle she walks away we went to the back of the restaurant there's like a room we ate and we left this woman stood up she that girl she said I'm sorry you are so right you gave me the lesson of my life I could be your grandmother but nobody changed my life as much as you did wow yes I also have my are hidden so T whoever sees this podcast when you see someone dress different behaving different different to whatever you consider normal is and different is it's it's not something that you could judge and understand just love and accept everybody and this is the whole idea you never know what's going on with someone else and you never know how sadik they are I can't share now because I don't have time but how much beautiful stories I learned from this school having this school the last half year how these Nas are I'm embarrassed of myself and different things in my life the Tas that these girls have the Tas I I work with boys all my life same kind of boys now I have grows it's a very different you know for me it's I'm learning a whole the world of theyum from a different world yeah a different world which was somebody that also had that acceptance for every Jew and I think now that he's not around very well personally live in the Seagate so I think that that's part of my new mission in life and I'm working now maybe on a project of that concept to smile every and now with the war in Israel also people people are noticing that that uh it is and acceptance last question to you um um what is your personal life mission you because you do way too many things so if you can identify your like your gift or what you really feel makes you feel accomplished is it one thing is it multiple things I'm I'm going to confess I'm going to be vulnerable yeah wow you got me since I'm a little kid since I remember myself I have a weird thing that I responsible for has kids wow I whenever there's a fight in the class not that I didn't fight sometimes yeah but if I saw a fight I always made SCH maybe to my name and a lot of people that name are very into but there was something in me um again you could call it uh uh you know the different different missions I don't want to say it on but but the different parts ofas that that talk about I know which one to identify a little bit of my my drive and my thing I I I take responsibility I don't know why I take responsibility for cl and I sometimes many times put it before my own it it could even it it could even counterproductive for me many times like the school is only costing me money and and and and and and it's taking away nights and days and and many of the organizations I establish is running on their own already I establish it because I because I don't have the time and but I I I knew let's say let's say the divorce organization I went through my own which is not to talk about now I got remarried 18 years ago but at the time I got married I was happy married I said I'm paying back open up organization I found the right people whatever and a few people together and all the things that I'm doing is is is is that so I think it's it's a responsibility type of feeling I don't know why I don't know why I don't know who I was in the previous gilgal what it is and and that keeps me going to make peace in between fathers between singles between the that's my my drive and and K I have a have a very very strong uh it's just the way I am and you do make a kesem I learned a lot from you and you're a true inspiration somebody that people everybody can feel comfortable because you do it in a real humble way everything you say doesn't Target people it just it targets your mission so nobody ever feels offended people just feel loved by the words that you say um um what are some of the services that you provide for people if they're listening and they won't understand how they can maybe book a session and where can they reach out is there a website or a phone number that we can share whatever so so this is something new because you asked me for the interview I had no clue that I'm going to be able to say this um I have a website that's called r.org okay book appointments and and it's in Within These frame I have a few Niche the main things that I work on obviously very very this is a huge chunk the second thing that I do a lot is people that have questions or themselves or their kids and they need help I'm this I'm very very trained and and explaining and breathing proof as everything else that's that's my part which that part people call me yeah I don't like any names on me so but but the people that associate to me that way call me Mas or they come to my that I give in the mornings and whatever different stuff but people come to me for that the third thing is parents that have children that struggle they come to me for guidance how to deal with them okay and this is what I speak about a lot many different organizations to get you know my own last week right you were last week by a event a few few week a few weeks ago after we being again different so so it's basically these are the three main topics that I that I'm involved with obviously I don't deal with trauma I'm not a trauma therapist it's not what I do it's relationship therapy and um and relationship between husband and wife us and AEM us and our kids it's a back to same thank you so much for your time really appreciate it and thank you everybody for listening thank you so much