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Rabbi Shais Taub & Sony Perlman - How did we get here
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Auto-generated transcript. Not time-synced to the video.
all right so let me just begin by saying
that this is a talk that I really
actually don't want to give and when
Gedaliah
told me he wanted me to address the top
of a topic of addiction actually what I
told him is that it's been many years
that I've spoken publicly about the
subject and I actually don't like to
speak about it and I pretty much tried
to get out of it and then I saw the
program printed in that so I guess I
guess I'm they had other ideas
oh now you're starting okay so let me
stay for the video I'm giving a topic
because I'm giving a speech on a topic
that I don't want to talk about I was
asked to speak about addiction and I
don't want to speak about it it's been
actually a number of years that I
haven't spoken publicly on this subject
and after I'm finished you might have an
idea of why it's something that I don't
like to speak about anymore I wrote a
book on it
it's called god of our understanding and
everything I have to say about the topic
is in that book and you know whenever
whenever I have to offer it's already
there and but for those I want to taste
or a sample of what the idea is over
there let me let me say like this you
know there are certain situations where
all of a sudden everybody actually
becomes religious where they really
start talking about God certain
junctures in life
Lamar Felton comes to [ __ ] looking and
making [ __ ] looking for the kids all of
a sudden everybody starts talking about
a munechika practice why because it's
Kaushik increase chance of course might
be dealing with the partial in life that
is that feels controllable right even
though we know how killed me the shaman
puts me at a shaman we control nothing
but our own reactions but Cole's mind
everything seems normal
so it's like a mr. don't worry I got
this one right I can handle it and then
when we start to deal with something
that's so clearly out of our control all
of a sudden we start to think so
spiritually or god forbid somebody has a
life-threatening illness all of a sudden
now along with whatever but that had
damage established there is all of a
sudden is the tell him there's the
Mitzvahs distant everyone's getting
spiritual
so it happens to be that when it comes
to parshas addiction it's the one issue
that even in the veldt
when I say the veldt I mean even outside
of the Jewish world it's so it be
littles and humbles and crushes the
sense of power and control of everyone
in its path to the point where they have
no choice but to give up on the illusion
of human power and to finally start
looking to God it's the one issue where
you pretty much have in the vault I'm
saying an accepted spiritual approach to
a problem and it's because it's a
problem that just beats people down so
much where they say you know what I
can't handle it
let me explain one thing there's a major
difference between chemical dependence
and addiction chemical dependence is
easy and by the way my disclaimer I want
to explain something to you not a doctor
not a mental health professional I'm a
rabbi anything I say I'm just speaking
as a rabbi my experience that's all I'm
drawing upon if you don't agree that's
no problem
I'm just putting it out there based on
my personal experience
[Music]
chemical dependence is easy you know
what the you know what the cure the
treatment for chemical dependence is
detox
it's called detox you know where most
people detox on a bathroom floor it's
very easy I mean it's dangerous
depending on the drug but it's very easy
to detox question is what happens when
somebody has deep aksed over and over
and over again
chemically there's no dependence anymore
so where's the issue coming from where's
it coming from
and somebody's no longer chemically
dependent I think that's one of the big
illusion oh he started using and he got
hooked on it okay so then how come he
was abstinent for a month for a year for
two years and he went back to it clearly
wasn't something physical so I don't
have a long time to speak about this
what I'm going to talk to you about is
that the addiction is not the addict
problem the addiction is the addict best
attempt at a solution and in order to
replace that solution with a real
solution the false solution needs to be
replaced with a genuine solution you
have to understand the problem and I'm
going to explain you the problem very
simple and we explain it to you like a
rabbi there once was someone called
autumn arecia and the first man they had
a wife and father and the first day they
were created they made a mistake and
they ate from the ate sawdust
what was the eight Sadat's we call it
the tree of knowledge what kind of
knowledge when you eat it you become
Wikipedia what was the knowledge
immediately what was the first symptom
of eating from the tree of knowledge
self-awareness they knew that they were
naked they didn't know they were naked
before of course they knew but it didn't
mean anything like a one-year-old crawls
around without a diaper on it doesn't
mean anything
there's a word from the Obama to that
baby says before the head ate Sadat's
a person would be no more self-conscious
of his other than the arm on which you
put filling because it's just a body
part that you use for a mitzvah so who
cares right there's no
self-consciousness involved then the
eight Sadat's comes and gives that
Staver app which you see this explains
means hogwash assad's my
self-consciousness self-consciousness is
the killer that doesn't let you live the
awareness of self that will not allow
you to simply just have an experience
and be in the moment I can't be in the
moment because I'm up here I'm in I'm in
my own head narrating my experience
self-consciousness terminal uniqueness
lonely in a crowded room uncomfortable
in my own skin and nothing gives me any
comfort because my problem is me I'm
allergic to me or a feelin me feelin
himself and that's been the the blight
of humanity since the first day so ten
generations later came this covered on
mine his name was Noah Noah each Sadiq
Tommen the data Asaph Noah got off the
TAVR and what did he do he got drunk why
would an east-side that could get drunk
was he some frat boy celebrating woohoo
we survived the mob let's print t-shirts
and have a keg party and we'll get drunk
synthesis planes the mayor of each Sadiq
had a plan he understood good and well
that the problem with human he with the
human experience since day one became
the introduction of self-awareness
self-consciousness so he sought he saw a
new world Elam Harnish the mob was the
reset button so he said just like the
world was set new we're gonna set a new
paradigm for human consciousness free of
ego free of self-awareness and he's in
ease and he said themself well how will
I do that how will I escape self and
very very purposefully deliberately he
went and he self medicated he knew
exactly what he was doing in fact
passing out naked in the living room it
was also by design
what's the sheer how how much do you
have to obliterate self-awareness if
you're not how do you know when you went
far enough
it's very simple when alderman kava
became self-aware what was the first
sign of self-awareness they knew that
they were naked so how do you know that
you got rid of self-consciousness when
you don't know that you're naked
now obviously Nate's attempt was a
failure because although he blotted out
self-consciousness he had all these side
effects that he didn't expect or he
didn't want he didn't want to cause a
rift in his family he didn't want to
cause humiliation embarrassment trauma
all you know that that of that event
that happened that day until today all
the divide between humanity comes from
it stems from that from that moment of
humiliation but that's what though
that's not what he wanted that what he
wanted to happen was to be totally
obliterated like any good addict right I
want to be numb I want to get trashed
I'm gonna get wasted why would you speak
that way what normal person from what
I'm telling you is I want to destroy
self and that's why it's so cute when
you say you're killing yourself yeah no
kidding I'm trying to kill self
that's right I don't want to feel other
side effects yeah there are side effects
what's my choice so then you have the
one you know one option or the other one
option is or the min cava crippling
self-consciousness I can't function I
can't function the other option is no
self obliteration now I can function
except all these unwanted consequences
start happening all this stuff has
starts happening because of the self
obliteration and then the consequence
has become too much and what am i forced
to do okay so then I leave alone I'll
leave my self medication alone I won't
numb myself I won't distract myself and
I go back to other uncommon situation
which is a self-consciousness and then
the self-consciousness becomes too much
to bear that absolutely devastating
sense of I cannot be comfortable I
cannot be at peace and it's not because
of anything that's going on around me
it's just my whole system has been for
whatever reason we'll get into it in a
second I only want to speak for three
more minutes my whole system is off
kilter I cannot be at rest unless I'm
feeling nothing if I'm feeling anything
I'm feeling discomfort I feel too much
so therefore I go back to the knife
paradigm and basically I go back and
forth between self-consciousness and
self obliteration and and the there both
of them absolutely unsubtle unbearable
torment so what's the option
I can't live within myself the
consequences are too much for getting
out of myself and finally there's a
third option which is called getting
over myself self-transcendence
spirituality we call it bit tol bit till
is not thinking less of yourself bit
till is thinking of yourself less bit
till is not destroyed self-esteem bindle
is not when I think that I'm worthless
bindle is what I'm free of having to
obsess on myself I don't have to think
about self you know why because now I'm
free to just be there to be present when
self consciousness is my disease when
I'm suffering from an acute case of
hadass and self-consciousness makes me
unable to function like a normal person
what do I need I need to be free of that
I need to just be able to experience
life is to be able to be instead of
always feeling apart from I want to be a
part of and I can't do that because of
all these things I'm feeling so acutely
and so strongly and so I'm always in my
head but the deep thinker and the over
analyser no wonder I need to self
medicate right until I finally find the
real solution the false solution was a
self medication of self stimulation
stealth self distraction with but the
real solution was libitum got
consciousness
release from self-obsession
and now I can function that's two more
minutes I want to explain something and
there's much more to be said about this
obviously I'm summarizing extremely
quickly and I said at the beginning I
don't like to talk about this topic
precisely because it's a very very very
deep Saudia and it's always
misunderstood it's always misunderstood
well except for people who actually live
it then they say yeah yeah of course
that's what you're talking about but
that's why I don't like to talk about
okay how do people become I'll give I'll
tell you the term you know there's an
idiom called the canary in the coal mine
when miners go into a new area of the
mind they bring a canary why do they
bring the canary because there's poison
gas that's tasteless and odorless and
invisible and you don't know it until
you start passing out and dying so they
bring a canary and the canary is
chirping away in the cage and if the
canary stops chirping you realize that
canary is getting poisoned by the gas
and then you clear out of the mine so
canary in the coal mine is an expression
in English the canary in the coal mine
means the first symptom Bearer the one
who feels the symptom first the canary
is not a toxicologist the canary is just
sensitive to the same thing that
destroys everybody else so the badness
self-consciousness ruins everything for
everybody and that's why we all need to
get get out of self-consciousness we
need to become God conscious that's for
everybody but for most people
spirituality is a luxury for most people
spirituality is a luxury it's not going
to kill them if they don't become God
conscious and that's why most people
never will really become even religious
people don't know what do I have to
think about god I doubt when three times
a day so they're never really then there
are the spiritual Canaries and the
self-consciousness is killing them
it's killing them and the question how
do people become spiritual Canaries and
my answer is I don't know maybe some of
us are born that way but what I do know
what I do know is the trauma
specifically trauma that touches your
deepest sense of self your sexual
identity forces you to become
uncomfortably acutely way too aware of
self why am I saying such a crazy thing
that our deepest sense of self a sexual
identity maybe I'm a perfect why do I
say something like that because I'm just
telling you the story of braziers self
awareness from the first moment meant
the sense of shame of my body of my
reproductive parts from day one the
first sense of self awareness when
somebody is sexually traumatized they
become immediately way too aware of self
and self consciousness is a killer it's
a killer for everybody but if you have
an acute case a heavy case a chronic
case of self consciousness then you're
the canary you're the one who dies first
you want to know how this all fits into
T P and I've got 30 seconds I'm making
up these numbers by the way but I say
three minutes two minutes I have no I
don't even there's no clock in the room
I have no idea
I'm just doing it to make you guys not
get up and run hotter no by the way I
just wanted to put this is serious did
you know this seventy three point four
percent of all statistics cited by
rabbis and speeches were made up on the
spot seventy three point seven okay I'm
sorry
maybe that's a late you maybe you saw
more recent study but I'm gonna get down
to ten seconds no this is a real ten sex
I think I hope bringing the watch up
will take all of the ten seconds I want
to understand I want I I want to explain
and understand you I spoke with avi
about this I said how do we reconcile
the recovery approach and the teepee
approach and we had a long discussion
about it and basically because because I
said you know I'm a firm believer that
the whole mechanics of recovery is based
on the fact that human power doesn't
work only God power you know that's the
whole point that's what I started with
human power doesn't work and I want to
tell you something I still believe that
I still believe that human power doesn't
work so what's with the love bombs and
all the way what are we doing that I
want to explain something to you only
God can heal this problem the only
solution for self consciousness is God
consciousness the problem is when a
person has their path to God blocked
a Jewish person exists as a link on a
golden chain going back to avril lavigne
oh and sorry manor you are their link
you as their parents you are
facilitators to enable them to give them
the opportunity to get back in touch
with the god that was robbed from them
so ah be and I both agreed in the end
that it is all God we play the shotgun
Whitworth the marriage broker
and that's why miracles happen
because this is a power greater than
human power we do our part to make that
reconciliation between this neshama and
its maker possible okay okay I was under
the impression this is a question answer
session and they're up CheY stabbed
outside I think it's because he all he
does is answer questions he's like I
don't want to answer questions I'm just
gonna talk and I said I have nothing to
say
so I figured I'd write some notes figure
something on the spot and I looked at my
notes and I thought kind of want to say
any things either so he wants to thank
tar any time for recording all those
sessions hi I would like to also think
that this will be available on to her
anytime you'll see that Hunter anytime
so I was thinking of some of the
sessions I went to over this incredible
I don't know what to call it
I'm just gonna call it a great javis he
was called a conference it's gonna get
together but Sabaton but it was fabulous
I haven't gone to one thing that I
didn't absolutely love that didn't rock
me somewhere inside from doing all the
work I do and from being a parent myself
you know I thought I was coming here as
SuperDuper professional and I came out
wanting to change how I parent my
children even though I preach this all
the time
I'm seeing the inspiration and you guys
are to us and should be to the rest of
the world on how to raise so I'm
supposed to talk about addiction and I
did there was a question that was asked
at one of the question answer sessions
which I should have been that because
I'm supposed to be had a question answer
session but the question was about
codependency and it's a it's a it's an
amazing question for people who are
struggling in this parsha and have found
TP or RV
and they have decided to do this
absolutely insane method of the opposite
of what every professional out there
says and most rough on them say they all
say give a little pot should be alright
they say different ways of saying that
you know lock the door give them very
strong boundaries but over this weekend
everybody here and everybody who has
lived through this who has been doing
this for a while knows that all that
doesn't work and you see a success of
understanding what is really the problem
that these kids are in tremendous
amounts of pain and they have no idea
how to deal with that pain and the only
way we could do it like I've chased out
says is I say it a little differently we
are giving them a muscle to Hashem when
a child is born they don't know what a
sham is they look up from the crib and
they say what's the higher power and the
higher power is us they see these giants
and when they're hungry they're fed and
when they died for his dirty it's clean
and they look up and they say that must
be God that's their first experience
with God I once heard that the
difference between dogs and cats is that
a dog looks up at his owner he says this
person feeds me takes care of me
he's always hugging me this must be God
and the cat says this person feeds me
this person takes care of me this person
loves me I must be God
so
that's what child looks up and he sees
he sees his parents and he says this is
God hey why is it so important for us to
be great parents so that our children
when they have this self-consciousness
are able with the muscle you gave them
in this world of what a God is to use
that to connect to God the real God and
when you make that connection healing
could happen and when we have situations
like we're all in within doing TP you're
showing them hey they stopped believing
that there's a higher power they stopped
believing that anything's gonna sue them
or give them the power to help
they're completely powerless and that
you given the Marshall again because
something happened that put him back in
a place where they didn't believe that
there's a god and now they're looking up
from their cribs they're not cribs
anymore
actually in some of the places they call
them cribs and you know apartments are
cribs but they look it up and they say
is I could be loved again there could be
a god that's all you're doing is you're
telling them there could be a god and if
there could be a god I could be saved
and if I could be saved I could do this
next thing and I could live through the
next day and I could live through the
next week and I could marry this woman
or marry this man and I could have
children and raise them and be good
because that hope that there is a God
gives us a chance to make a connection
to God so that understanding I mean this
is this is a very important thing but
the question that was asked is the whole
world keeps telling us that were
codependent with her
enabling enabling is the big word I
remember a 13 years ago people I got
like 50 phone calls about we're nailing
the kids I run Howard place is a drop-in
center for teens in Brooklyn and and we
used to think we were the craziest
people in town
and the way we took care of these kids
with so much love and then we met avi
and he's crazy but at that point we were
the we were the guys to get picked on
we were the enablers and I have a gettin
in it was it was one week we I was
getting like ten phone calls so I got an
abling you're doing this you're in
abling enabling an island I didn't have
the words of avi that's the truth I
didn't know how to answer them I just
knew it was working so I on the
letterhead I said that's it we're
changing the letterhead I didn't ask
anybody on the staff I just went and
changed our place and neighboring
resilience that was what we call it and
luckily nobody I don't think anybody
ever looks at that bottom line
so nobody said anything to me but it was
my passive-aggressive way of getting
back at them so so is that
passive-aggressive or aggressive anyway
so the question was codependency and and
all we being codependent with these kids
and it's a and I believe in a lot of
times it comes up every time he's
dealing with addiction I'm dealing with
my clients and the people in our place
you deal with addicts every addict has a
codependent relationship
they all have co-dependent relationships
they've all heard the word codependency
and people throw the word codependency
around and my addicts and these young
people in our place so always they throw
the word remember they have no idea what
it is and so I'm going to explain the
way I see codependency and hopefully
like 30 seconds left narmer's connects
30 seconds for codependency explanation
okay I'm kidding I don't have 30 seconds
so so the way I explain codependency
there's this is a great red book I call
a rabbit
his name is Steven Kobe he wrote the
famous book is seven Habits how the
successful people something like that
anyway he's a rapper because he says
such wisdoms and I and I absolutely love
the things he says and he teaches people
to really do their life but some of his
teachings are you don't even realize how
great they are and I think this is one
of them and he just throws us out I
don't think it's in seven Habits it's
another one of his books if they're
alternative and he has this he says
didn't life there are three stages it's
so simple everything he says is so
simple that's why it's so amazing
he says alight the three stages you have
dependence independence and
interdependence
so dependence especially all of you have
dealt with addicts you know dependence
is someone who is not capable of taking
care of themselves so in the real sense
babies are dependent
they don't have if you love the baby in
the world they would just die cause it's
like a science fiction novel or
something and they figure out a way that
he makes it but a baby would not make it
in this world he wouldn't be able to
function physically emotionally
spiritually he wouldn't figure out any
of this stuff so that's a dependent
person and then you have independent so
when you conquer dependence and you go
into independence you now could deal
with yourself and this is the goal
recovery and you're trying to get to the
place where you could now function as a
person how to do that that's part of
what O'Shea stops talking about but
you've got to get to a place of
independence and then when you hit an
independent person when one person
independent and another person
independent and they have a relationship
with each other that relationship is an
interdependent relationship an
interdependent relationship and Riven
was talking about relations long-term
relationship is what we need in our
lives we need long-term interdependent
relationships interdependent
relationship is I am good by myself
I am happy Who I am I'm good and the
other person is also good and happy by
themselves they both could stand up tall
and then they choose it choosen because
they don't need it they choose another
person to share that experience with
when you share those experiences
together you reach it increases
exponentially it's not the need for each
other
it's the sharing with each other and
when we share with each other we have
these relationships that are healthy
relationships called interdependent
relationships now the truth is I haven't
met anybody who has an interdependent
relationship completely but I'm sure
there's someone out that has the perfect
interdependent relationship
we are always constantly working on
becoming independent people do we say
you know people come to me and kids come
to me and ask me am I ready to get
married you know I had 23 years old am I
ready to get married
come on and the answer is no you're not
independent and but if you come to me
when you're 40 I'm gonna say the exact
same thing to you the answer is still no
you're not gonna be so healthy that you
have the perfect end to defend the
relationship but that's what our goal is
our goal is to be independent people
that are connected with each other
making this relationship into a healthy
relationship and then we can have kids
and grow families and it'll be a
healthier situation now
what if somebody is fully in the
dependent zone and he says I would like
to have a relationship now if a
dependent person tries to have a
relationship with an independent person
and I see this all the time with addicts
and they say to me I found that one girl
and she was so healthy and so good and
that and all that stuff and I'm like and
she dumped you right and they said they
said yeah I don't understand why I said
because she is healthy the only way to
know
that's how I knew she told you but if
she didn't don't you that she's not
enough now the explanation for that is
if I'm a healthy person who doesn't need
a relationship and I get into a
relationship with you and you're like
mom to four o'clock in the morning do
whatever I want and because I got to
fill my deep my deep hole in my body and
I'm suffering it and the other person
and the relationship when it's going
this way it's a back and forth she's a
healthy person now I want a relationship
where makes sense you don't go out to
four o'clock in the morning you don't -
all these things to fill your void I
want you to want me I don't need you to
need to fill your hole I don't want to
deal with that so independent healthy
people will dump dependent people like a
sack of potatoes superfast the way we
know that they're defending people also
is because they're getting something out
of this relationship
yeah so if to depend - dependent people
have a relationship with each other then
that is what we call codependency I'm
gonna get a little bit in more into I'm
sure most you're already getting it but
the idea is I mean I was I was younger I
was a lifeguard and lifeguards are
notoriously lazy people time to tell you
that it wasn't just me it was it's all
lifeguards but the story is that that I
once watched a dual drowning and when I
say I watched a dual drowning it's
really what I did I was I it was up the
whole night before trying to feed my
dependents and I was watching this
happen and and then there was a
lifeguard in the office who was really
excited about being a lifeguard and I
was and I I just wanted the best job
where I could sit in a chair and get a
suntan and that was pretty much but I
was no plan on saving anybody at any
point and I go this guy's fully dressed
in the office I'm sitting in the
lifeguard chair I scream
his name we call him that there's a dude
drowning happening in the deep end and
he came out throwing his clothes off i
sat and watched the whole spectacle is
gorgeous okay I probably shouldn't have
said that on tour anytime because that
come back for me and I went up but I
knew Bruno was a very good lifeguard and
and and as lifeguards know do drownings
are the worst drownings now why well
when one guy is drowning all you gotta
do is get wrap them up and take them out
it's not that hard especially in a pool
because bull you you swim 20 feet in any
direction you got the guy out it's not
it's really easy right if you're a
decent swimmer you could save anybody
what happens with children is that one
guy starts drowning and then second guy
and then he grabs the thing that's gonna
pick him up when you're drowning you
automatically think something's got to
save me and you grab something higher
than you this is a real marshal if you
think that's what I'm saying it as a
marshal but as I'm saying I'm like it's
a better marshal because you're looking
high right so you grab something higher
than you I think what's harder than you
another kid and he's higher he's up
there and I'm going down so you cleared
the guy up now the guy uh he starts
Charlie and he's being pushed down so he
goes I'm drowning I need to save myself
so he reaches up grabs the highest thing
he could find that's close by and that's
the kid who's drowning him so he grabs
that guy if pushes in them and then the
other guy pushes and so on and so forth
and the reason they're the worst
drowning is because they end up in the
bottom of the pool they don't float
there's a key pushing each other down
this is all unconscious they don't
realize that they're killing each other
but that's just happening he pushed
the other is it's hard it's cuz it's two
people and not one person you guys went
with both which was a lot of fun to
watch Bruno do I'm just saying it was
was good and to be fair to myself
there's a lot of paperwork for a
drowning and he had to do for two people
and I knew I wasn't up for that so so
this is the perfect explanation of
codependency codependency is I have a
hole in me it's a god-sized hole it's
huge I need to fill it with things that
make me feel better and then they look
and they see a beautiful person you guys
he's beautiful woman she's gonna save me
oh this is what's gonna make me better
I'm dependent I knee and she's gonna
save me and I'm gonna he's gonna pull me
out of this and then the girl goes I
feel terrible about myself but you know
it makes me feel really good making him
feel good when he feels really good I
feel good so I'm gonna save him
and so essentially she's grabbing to get
ahold of him I need to fix him and he's
grabbing and it doesn't always work guy
girl that's where I'm just using him for
the example but she he's grabbing her
she's gonna save him and she's saying I
could save him and they're both trying
to fill the hole with each other that's
a codependent relationship and it's dude
a codependent relationship is doomed
because what ends up happening is it
doesn't work just like drugs don't work
a codependent relationship doesn't work
nothing fills a god-sized hole
besides for God you can't use drugs you
can use people you can use things and
you can't use behaviors nothing works
and we'll try everything so we dependent
person is gonna grab someone else so now
that is codependency now I can tell you
also in general when I explain this I do
with a diagram that I draw and a very
proud of my diet
and if probably took me ten extra
minutes to say it because I don't know
my diagrams but so so be patient with me
but for the answer to the question of if
I am doing this love love method a
teepee if my doing this aren't I being
codependent with my child
he's a dependent person and I'm helping
them and therefore we have this pond
healthy relationship where they're just
gonna keep using us and then we're going
to keep using them the answer is to help
these things you can be with your kid is
annoyed by them because if you're
getting something out of help and you're
giving their this is sick and you're
like it makes me feel great
I can't I can't watch him in pain I have
to give him more cars and stuff and if
you did that naturally you're probably
in the same boat as you're kidding
that's go dependency every parent here I
speaking to them they're like I don't
want to do it I don't want to help my
kid I don't want to help these kids
that's the healthiest thing you could
say that how these thing is this kid is
so annoying if you were like I'm loving
this I get that help my kid and the poor
kitty suffering anybody who says it's
easy that person has got to get to a
treatment program the reason why this is
not go dependency is because the only
person that can have a relationship with
a dependent person is someone on the
next rung of the relationship we're not
equal relationships with our kids God is
not on equal relationships with us he
can love us no matter how sick we are
because it's not a back and forth
relationship like a sibling or like a
marriage
it's your knock down relationship and a
parent could look past the dependency of
a child and say I'm going to help you
get there not because I need it I'm an
independent
person if I was dating my child I would
have dumped him a long time ago the only
way it could be done is this way and
there were so many answers but I really
think understanding the topic of
codependency and understanding the
struggle and every time you struggle and
every time you want to pull your hair
out and say I can't believe how
dependent this kid is I can't deal with
it it's just a way of showing you that
you are independent you don't need this
you're doing it because you love and
we're doing it because we're imitating
God only God could really do this God
doesn't feel pain by doing this God
loves doing this God could do it because
he's on the highest level of
Independence we are trying to figure it
like God we want to be godlike we want
to help a dependent child so that that's
the answer somebody asks you are you
mean codependent a child you say you
Sonique Rama Tomy will call dependencies
you don't know I'm called feminist yes
so go back to your books and maybe goes
on I'll write your diagram and all
understand that I am NOT codependent I'm
a super-healthy parent who realizes that
my kid for one reason or another and
we've all heard reasons over the weekend
for one reason another slip back into a
place of dependence and is in desperate
need of help thank you
[Applause]