Rabbi Manis Friedman - How to Make Your Spouse Your Best Friend

i'm sure you know already that the main consideration between a husband and wife is that the husband should be mashpia and the wife should be macabre if you haven't studied the subject it's very important to do so because that is the essence of the relationship toyota says about women a macabre has a chuuka a mecabul waits to be mekabul there's a hunger the mashpiyya on the other hand has pleasure and feels fulfilled and like a real mensch when he knows that he is being mashpia and satisfying that hunger now this doesn't mean necessarily that the husband is better at everything than his wife very often the wife is better at handling money keeping the checkbook paying the bills but it should never be that the wife is doing that because she feels that the husband is incapable in other words she is taking his responsibility and replacing him that creates a problem for everybody but if the husband gives that responsibility to his wife and she is doing it for him then the balance of mashpi and the kabul remain healthy feels that whatever the issue is and whatever the problem is it's his responsibility to solve it not his fault but his job so even if the macabre has a problem being the kabul it's the husband's job to to to help to fix it to solve it like we say in the miner that the mashpiyya has to give the mecabul kayak to be macabre and the way that the mashpiyya gives the macabre the kayak to be makabu is by making her feel completely safe i can't tell you how many marriage counseling sessions hang on this issue she doesn't feel safe she feels that whenever there's a problem he's going to run away and hide and she's going to be alone with the problem feeling alone means that the marriage did not work or is not working because when you come out from the chupa you are never going to be alone again that's called marriage vahayu that that takes away the feeling of being alone sometimes sometimes you actually like to be alone but you're never going to be alone again that's the good part but if the husband disappears not necessarily physically but emotionally not my problem i did what i'm supposed to do now the rest is your problem that is not a marriage not a mashpia not a macabre every marriage unless there was a physical and and medical problem other than that it was always a problem with the mashpia not being mushpia na mekabul not being the kabul and that's partly because we are influenced by the world we're influenced by what we read and what we see and what we hear and the message or the attitude is that a husband and a wife are equal partners equal partners means i do my half you do your half so if i think i did my half and you're not happy well then it's your problem but of course the truth is that there is no 50 50 half and half and there are no equal partners marriage doesn't need a partner marriage needs a macabre and a mashpia the husband has to be a hundred percent macabre not 50 and the wife has to be a hundred percent mekabul and not 50 to me 50 50 means sometimes i'm the kabul sometimes you're pia sometimes amash pear sometimes you're makable in other words there is no healthy man there is no healthy woman and you expect it to be a good marriage so let's explain a little bit better what does it mean to be a mashpiyya number one to be a mashpia means i feel i understand and i see what needs exists like a mashpia in yeshiva he looks at a baja and he sees what's lacking what's missing what's not right what's not balanced if he doesn't see what the problem is then he won't be a mashpia he'll just be a policeman and nobody will benefit from that if he doesn't understand exactly what this particular bachelor or young iman is hungering for he will demand from him things that are unnecessary and not only won't he help him he'll destroy him so the first thing is understands or feels the hunger so he knows what needs to be provided what needs to be given he is the giver but he can't give just whatever he wants so you can't sit here and decide what your wife wants what does a wife want ah she wants jewelry she wants you to wash dishes that that's destructive the only way to know what a wife wants is to hear it from her or to see it in her it doesn't always have to be verbal it doesn't have to be te veya be pe but if you say something and you see your wife got upset now you know where the sensitivity is understand it take it seriously and be considerate something that makes your wife happy now you're getting to know her but pay attention so it's very strange when a husband says to me what can i do to make my wife happy what you're asking me as if you can't find your wife to ask her a man who is a mashpir gets to know his wife's needs it doesn't wait for her to beg demand scream he pays attention and he gets to know what gives her pleasure and what gives her pain there's no question that every marriage that goes bad god forbid begins with a loss of respect the loss of respect is the first the first damage the first the first weakness in a marriage you have to respect your wife what does that mean if you're smarter than her if you're stronger than her if you're more capable than her how are you going to respect her what does respect mean a recent survey a secular survey discovered that what keeps a couple together is not love the way everybody thinks it's respect couples who respect each other stay together those marriages succeed love does not keep people together so what is this thing called respect what does it mean it's not the same as admiration admiration is looking up to somebody which means that they have more talent or more virtue or more whatever gifts than you do you look up to somebody who's smarter than you stronger than you wiser than you nicer than you so they are above you in something so you have to look up to them a woman needs to admire her husband it's crucial because she has to give away her entire life her entire self to him your wife becomes mrs you doesn't even have a name of her own it says as of it doesn't even mention the fact that she has to leave her father and mother too even more than the husband does she has to change her name so to be that completely committed to her husband she really does have to admire him she has to justify in her own mind why she is giving herself completely away to him but respect is something else respect means not violating borders borders are a big subject these days borders between nations borders between men and women in other words although you are married and although you're going to share every part of your life with each other including physical intimacy there is still a border she is she and you are you [Music] and you're not the same she is an independent person which means she has feelings that you don't have she has opinions that you don't have she has needs that you don't have and you have to respect that in fact that that's the that's the definition of marriage marriage means you marry somebody who is not you not even a close relative a stranger that's the whole point the whole point is you can't be just you in your life there has to be someone else someone other than you which means independent of you an independent person who chooses to give herself away to you but she doesn't become your slave and she doesn't become your clone she doesn't become your shadow abhinav gersham had to make a don't read her mail she's still an independent human being and you must respect that so the first condition if you want to have a pleasant relationship you have to start with respect you listen to couples if you think about your own parents and how they talk to each other when you were a kid were you comfortable with the tone with the sound of their conversation or did it bother you obviously a husband who raises his voice to his wife in a threatening tone the kids are going to run and hide under the beds because even a child knows that is not the right tone those are not the right words but even if the words are fine and the tone is calm there's a tone that is appropriate for marriage [Music] and there's a tone that is inappropriate i remember talking to a woman who was very critical and unhappy with her husband and the way she was telling me she spoke like this she says i told him i told him that he better not i said did you actually do that with your finger she says yeah i said are you a kindergarten teacher she said yeah i said well you got to be careful not to talk to your husband like he's in kindergarten what's what's with wagging the finger this is not how you talk to a to a husband or to a wife that's how you talk to a to a child who needs to be disciplined can you imagine a husband saying to his wife how many times do i have to tell you not to do that without raising his voice without threatening but is that appropriate that's how you talk to a child actually you shouldn't even talk to a child like that because it's a ridiculous question how many times do i have to tell you uh 18 102. what kind of question is that you're not saying anything so even for a child that's inappropriate but for a different reason for a spouse that is that is a lack of respect even calling each other from across the house you're in one room she's in another room and you're screaming you need you need to tell her something that is that is that's like talking to a an employee talking to a slave you don't scream at each other you want to talk to her where is she go to where she is and talk to her unless it's an emergency and you can't so respect also means sneeze and this is so absolutely crucial the husband who is not sneezed with his wife immediately loses her respect it's in it it's unavoidable if you lower or loosen your standards of sneeze in in the home she will lose respect in general how you handle intimacy how you handle the bedroom is going to be the deciding factor will she look up to you or will she start to look down at you so this idea that you're going to get married and then the two of you can do whatever you want you can be at your worst behavior you can let your let your your standards down you can be sloppy you can be and it's going to be wonderful because you're married you're in love it won't even last a week out of respect for your wife you never tell her that you can't handle the two weeks when you're not allowed to be together don't degrade yourself don't make it hard for her to respect you because she desperately needs to not only respect but admire so how you handle that is going to make a huge difference in the tone or in the um in the atmosphere of the home do we have any questions so far here's a question a lot of times i feel like things that i'm passionate about or things i'd ordinarily speak with my friends are things that wouldn't interest her too much this is one of these subjects one of these issues you want to talk to your wife about something and she's really not interested how are you supposed to feel about that and how you're supposed to handle that you like to go to a certain park amusement park she doesn't like those what do you do you get angry at her you're frustrated you demand that she goes if she doesn't enjoy it it means that she's resisting or or or objecting to you you discover what each other enjoys and you provide that enjoyment so if she doesn't like amusement parks we'll find out what she does like that's not that's not a disrespect or a rejection of you you happen to like amusement parks she doesn't she is the other person same is true with topics you like to talk a lot she doesn't like to talk a lot not not that she's refusing to talk it's just not her not her most enjoyable activity or she likes to talk but not about this so can you should you demand that you take an interest you can feel a little disappointed that's understandable and if i was talking to her i would suggest that she show a little interest but that would be life had been there are subjects that she's not good at that she's not familiar with and she doesn't enjoy talking about it why why is that a problem for you you're taking it a little too personally so in general a husband has to know that as much as he needs from his wife as much as he depends on her she depends on him much more it's never just one way it's always she needs you more than you need her and you are there to take care of that to provide that need so in a sense you have to be a little a little more mature a little more responsible here's another question you mentioned that loosening sneeze standards will cause her to lose respect where does this thing change yeah that loosening tiniest standards will cause her to lose respect can you clarify what you meant by sneeze like in what area not to walk around the house in boxers yes show a little consideration it's uncomfortable for her and it should be uncomfortable there's no reason to loot to loosen the sneeze if you wouldn't walk around that way in front of a stranger it's out of respect for the stranger so why why not respect for your husband for your wife so the wife should not lower her standards of chinese because then he loses respect for her and he shouldn't lower his standards that she shouldn't lose respect for him there's a famous quote a famous saying that says familiarity breeds contempt two people who become a little too familiar with each other not only do they lose respect but it breeds contempt you become disgusted with the person that's not even hate it's worse where does that happen in the bedroom but if you're familiar with each other because you know what uh what kind of music you like and you know what kind of food you like you know what kind of colors you like you're very familiar you understand each other very well you feel very comfortable with each other that's great that's necessary that familiarity so which familiarity breeds contempt the familiarity of loosening or lowering your sneeze i mean behaving like an animal is not going to win you any respect so eating like a mensch not like a high at all running around the house like like a baby not being able to control your appetites and your and your moods this is this is not helpful another question you just spoke about the two weeks of not being able to touch et cetera i got married and brought hashem within two months got pregnant and so i've been without um her caucus for almost our whole marriage so far now she's given birth and it's hard to cope with the harajukus especially because it can be long it can be a long time yes that's true do you know that siddhan at least in the past try to arrange actually purposely arrange that the hooper should be a chupas nita because they didn't want the relationship to begin in the bedroom which is very impressive when the marriage begins in the bedroom and then she's pregnant right away and it stays in the bedroom for nine months and all of a sudden there are hookahs yes it can be pretty shocking but this is where you need to be the man you need to be the husband you need to be the caretaker telling her that you're miserable is not helpful so as hard as it is it's worth the effort and even if it's making you crazy you don't have to tell her tell your mushpia next question don't know if this is within the scope of the class but if you can talk more about two three years down the line when chandrashayna is over also speak about damage control how to deal when fights keep on happening and not so much respect wife and husband berating each other due to behaviors like wife being lazy and husband addicted to phone that's a lot of fun though intimacy will happen quite often it obviously affects the amount of times it happens wife doesn't make herself extra attractive even though she knows that the husband appreciates it and needs it and also think it's unsneeze to wear certain clothing by intimacy number four wife likes sleeping together every so often even though it seems from altitude so let's let's try to be a little logical let's try to make sense the idea of sleeping in one bed is such an unnatural and senseless thought it's so destructive i can't believe that anybody would would actually suffer through it you get bored with each other you get way too familiar with each other and here's the really scary thing in the average american home i'm not talking about froome families i'm talking about the average american home there is no intimacy there's none months go by and they don't and they don't have intimacy and they're sleeping in the same bed so the question is if you're sleeping in the same bed how can you not be intimate no that's not the question question is the opposite if you keep sleeping in the same bed how are you how are you going to be intimate being in the same bed is no longer an intimate behavior you just want to sleep you're losing interest you're getting too familiar it kills the intimacy it's a ridiculous idea there were times when people were very poor they couldn't afford two beds might not even be a bad idea to have two rooms certainly couldn't afford that but kings the aristocrats the rich they did have two back two bedrooms then the intimacy was real if you're gonna be intimate it's serious it's intentional it's thoughtful the king knocks on the queen's door this is this is real not a lazy sloppy what the heck kind of intimacy so the two beds is just such a sensible thing first of all it's respectful second of all it doesn't dull you it doesn't make you jaded you get too used to being together without being [Music] attracted without paying attention to each other it is so nasty in fact when people ask you know why do you have to have a mojito insurance most people can understand it's not a social event it's not a party and if you're sitting next to a woman you're you're gonna be distracted everybody can understand it but the question remains why can't husband and wife sit together insurance [Music] so most people say well you can be distracted by your wife that's not that's not a good answer let me see if this makes sense to you there's no such thing as distracted by your wife your wife is never a distraction it's like it's like the abrasive saying don't dove while you're sitting next to your wife it's insulting when you're sitting next to your wife you pay attention to your wife he's not jealous of the attention he expects you to pay attention to your wife does that mean you can never daven side by side with your wife at home yes if you both decide that you're both in the mood for davening you can dive but that's in the informal setting and the mutual um the mutual busyness you're busy davening she's busy davening it's but that's because they were both into the davening but the formality of a shoe maybe she's not in the mood for dozening so she's just going to sit there and you're going to ignore her so the abrasive is not competing for your attention he's not jealous if you're paying attention to your wife he decided that you should marry her he chose her for you and now he's jealous doesn't sound right so here's the point the point is sleeping in the same bed means you ignore her night after night after night this is going to be good for the marriage can't be so when you have two beds then the intimacy is intentional you have to show an interest you have to show some kind of effort once in a while if you happen to stay in the bed but if it becomes a habit you're killing you're killing the intimacy every person needs a little private space her bed has to be hers now what if you're already into your second third year and there's already arguments and there's already disagreements and harsh hard feelings whatever they are take take charge be responsible you're right it's not your fault and this is a problem you never expected you never saw the sight of her okay what are you doing to handle it what you've tried is not working you screamed you complained you you crutched about it it's not helping well what can you do to help in other words if you resent it it means you resent being her husband well that's not going to work at all the marriage is over you resent being her husband you resent the responsibility of taking care of her then you've quit she feels you quit she becomes hysterical now she has to protect herself because you're not protecting her so now everything you say threatens her so she disagrees with everything you say and she doesn't trust you in anything now she feels like she's running the home taking care of the children and and and she's all alone [Music] she is frightened she's trying to be tough but only to hide the fear and she is desperate because she realizes that she lost respect for you so whose job is this it is always the husband's job there's a letter from the web says that in most cases almost all cases when there's a problem between a husband and a wife it's the husband's fault that doesn't mean that the husband caused the problem it's the husband's fault if he caused the problem or it's the husband's fault that the problem is not getting solved because when the husband refuses to take charge that messes up the whole relationship you you're you're not the mashpia that she's looking for now she can't beam a couple from you anymore it's like in yeshiva you had a mash pia you thought very highly of him you listen to every word he said then you found out that he's not a mensch a nasty person that's it you can't be macabre anymore everything he says now sounds wrong can you fix it very easily because she wants she wants and needs to respect you just let her show her that you are responsible show her that you're not running away from her you're not abandoning her you're not giving up on her that's all that's all it'll take especially if it's only the third or fourth year so the problem is fresh it can heal very quickly very easily i was talking to a couple of talking to the woman actually she was complaining that he blames her for everything he ignores her when he comes home and she feels like the marriage is over and this is many years i think 18 years so we could go through months and months of meetings and and talking and counseling and but after that first meeting i simply said when he walks in the room when he comes into the house what do you feel she said frightened i said what you're afraid of him you're a very independent capable woman i don't think you're afraid of him so she says yeah what i feel when he walks in is disgusted eckel dick i said do you think he doesn't notice that he walks into his house his home his place and what he sees is that he's disgusting to you now you want him to try to pay attention to you how would you feel you walk in the front door and you get a look of like you're a piece of dirt anyway she texts me three days later she says i can't believe how different he is and all i'm doing is looking at him with rahmanis when he walks in instead of disgust that's after 18 years of fighting so just move to the right thing instead of trying to argue the problem start behaving properly and and it'll it'll it'll heal itself in in hours let's see if the wife is the macabre and the husband is the mashpia that is supposed to be always looking out for his wife's needs how is he supposed to convey to his wife his needs for intimacy without coming across as needy macabre which can cause her to lose respect for him being that at times the man's need for intimacy can be more than the wife's there's nothing embarrassing about wanting intimacy she doesn't lose respect for you she should take it as a compliment it's when you act needy when you get crazy when you demand when you're you know like you're sitting by the table and she serves you food the way you eat the food is gonna is going to either turn her off or make her lose respect or admire you if you eat like you're starving if you eat with both hands if you talk with your mouth full if you slurp and come on all you're doing is eating and you're hungry but do it like a mensch and the same is true with with intimacy and by the way you know that we teach children how to eat mashpeem always with fabry with bachrim how to eat like a mensch because the way you eat is the way you're going to be intimate watch the way a person is eating and you can tell a lot i remember rabbi tenenbaum we were we were in bedford and there's an english you know the english part of the day secular secular studies but there was a group of us that didn't go to the secular so we had class we had we said we continued in the basement the afternoon and rabbi tenenbaum who was the principal during the day in the e in the afternoons after he would become our malamute so we would sit on a little corner or a little room off the basement dish and we would learn he told us that in the foots he was he was one of the top talmudim in his yeshiva you know yeshiva and he went to visit thomas because he heard so much about it he wanted to see what it was he wanted to see how they learn what they learn but it came out that he arrived during lunch so at first he was a little disappointed he wasn't going to see how they learn because he couldn't stay very long but in the end it turned out that seeing how the bahrain ate made him switch to tamrit and become and become khabad what was it about the way they ate he couldn't describe it so well but the one word he used was they had their headaches for the food they ate with their heads you know you can you can see a mulamid teaching kids you can see whether he has their headlights for the kids [Music] if he doesn't have better credits for them either they're not going to be makable or they're going to become resentful and what they're learning will become distasteful to them the subject because there's something distasteful about him about the mulamid and on the other hand if you see that the mulamid respects the children matt admires he doesn't look up to them but he respects them it's a whole different atmosphere it's a whole different learning so amash pia is taking the mashpia and the macabre is the macabre but if the mashpia doesn't have their heads for the macabre then he is not helpful he is destructive in claudia it spells it out very clearly in fact it would be a good idea that part of the marriage study marriage classes [Music] the relationship between hamas it's not exactly the same obviously but it's close enough the clolum are the same so how do you show your wife that you need intimacy like a mensch you don't demand you don't get frustrated you don't beg you don't act like a like a starving animal like a mensch then it's a compliment in general look let's let's talk practical it's very hard to tell a man how to behave in the bedroom because you're talking about passion you're talking about taiva it's very hard to say what you should do and how you should behave because you're not talking about a benani from tanya so anything a husband wants to do in the bedroom is allowed but but but you got to hear this aloud is not impressive allowed is not impressive when a college teacher asks me are a couple allowed to take a shower together i don't like the question if it's allowed then it should be done in other words if it's allowed that's good enough [Music] that's that's how you set standards this is your idealism oh it's a loud fine i'm doing it the question is not is it allowed the question is is it right not is there anything wrong with doing no nothing wrong that i'm doing it in other words you're living in the basement your standard is as low as it can go because if you go any lower it's not a standard it's a sin so you're saying as long as it's not a sin or someone say it's not a delay it's not you said that i said then fine then i'm doing it that's where i live i live on the edge the bottom end of the spectrum if it's acceptably decent i'm doing it okay if that's where you are that's where you are but there's a ladder the bottom rung is not the only rung as you get older and the marriage matures you climb the ladder you don't remain on the same rung it's like anything else if it's a living thing it has to grow if it doesn't grow then it's dying sneeze between husband and wife is a ladder you start off on a certain rung it doesn't have to be the lowest you start off on a certain rung over time you climb higher the the the beauty of it the elegance the edelkite increases not decreases so maybe for the first year for the first two years you were pretty low on the on the ladder no so grow together [Music] that can heal almost every problem so how do you express your your desire like a mensch and if her answer is no then you you take it like a mensch you don't grovel you don't beg you don't get violent you don't scream question what are ideal marriages that you have seen what do smart couples do smart couples don't wait until there's a complaint when you come home from from work is there something you can do for your wife before she even asks are you bringing something home that you know she'll enjoy did you think about her during the day and on the way home what you can do to make her life better and happier that's what you're there for to invent to discover all sorts of little ways of making her life easier and better you know somebody who asked me once what is with these film people you you treat your you treat women as if they're such incapable miserable dependent cree you have to take care of them and protect them they're not babies the woman asking this question was a powerful ceo of a brick company so i said that was not directed at you no man is going to open the door for you no man is going to ask if you need a drink because you're quite capable on your own the women that the torah is talking about are wives who are working all day long they have four kids in the house three are in diapers and you're not even going to try to help so sure if you're living alone and you're rich and powerful no nobody nobody needs to help you and nobody should but a person who doesn't need help what do you mean you're not gonna help oh out of respect for the woman you'll never do her dishes so when you come home how do you reward your wife knowing that she spent the entire day taking care of your home and your family and your children nothing unless she asks demands begs take the initiative be a husband because you want to be the husband not because she's making demands so if she is making demands maybe it's because you don't do anything without being forced to maybe the only way she gets your attention is by making demands so a smart person doesn't wait to be asked do your own thinking what can i do to help her to make her day a little easier to make her life a little a little more enjoyable you know as if you really liked her here's a question are you saying that if husbands take care of the issue that will also end up affecting her and she'll try to fix her issues there is absolutely nothing a wife won't do for you nothing as long as she knows that you enjoy being her husband if you give her that security you know what's called the si mahrez ishtay what is it in the first year the chandra deshayna he doesn't go to the army he doesn't go to work he doesn't leave town why he's busy russia how do you make somebody happy what do you do a whole year buy her gifts every day how do you make her happy if you know what she needs then you know how to make her happy what does she need she needs to know that she is absolutely safe in your hands how can she be safe in your hands if you worry about her more than she worries about herself if you will do for her things that she wouldn't even do for herself [Music] and husbands are always saying i don't tell her what to buy i give her the money she can do whatever she wants with it that's not nice it's like i don't want to hear about it here's money do whatever you want leave me alone she needs you more than she needs the money so she goes and she spends a certain amount of money she comes home and she tells you i just spent whatever money on on a you say yeah well whatever don't do that she needs you more than she needs your money so don't think you're being a good husband because you let her do whatever she wants she wasn't she doesn't want to do whatever she wants for that she doesn't need to be married so yes if you if you take care of her if she is secure in your hands she will do everything for you everything okay now what if she doesn't seem to understand that you have a different personality slower in certain things last minute person etc but amazing in other ways and she doesn't seem to understand it and she doesn't seem to understand the challenges and the hardships of balancing work life etc what do you do if your wife is a little disappointed you can't help it she's disappointed in you and you didn't do anything wrong you were just being yourself the main thing is don't be intimidated don't don't lose your self-respect if she does not appreciate who you are and has become critical of you take take responsibility like you can say to her um i i see that you're you're impatient with my slowness but you know the slow way that i do things so far has worked for me some people need to do things quickly but i do pretty good driving slowly it's not terrible it's a different style really the best thing is that somebody else should tell her but if there's nobody else telling her then you tell her without getting angry like she's sitting in this in the in the car with you and she's telling you to slow down to hurry up to put on your blinkers you can get very very insulted and angry and resentful or you can say thank you but i've been driving for many years this way and i'm doing pretty good so leave the driving to us you say it like a mensch not defensively not not not angry just she has her way of driving you have yours and she's kind of expecting you to drive her way so talk about it say everybody has their own style and it's not like i don't know how to drive so relax we'll get there everything will be great somebody needs to advise the women obviously but right now we're talking about your side of it how do you enjoy each other when there are so many kids if there are so many kids there are so many things to enjoy together the kids are not strangers they're not her kids i can't believe it when men are jealous that their wife is is spending more time with the baby especially when the baby is newborn you're jealous of a newborn it doesn't make sense because it's your newborn if he wasn't spending all that time you would have to so what are you what are you jealous that somebody is taking good care of your child i don't understand that it's a little it's a little immature but that's the point the point is every child you have together is another bond another closeness another nachos another mutual responsibility it brings you together not a part so instead of saying to your wife can you neglect the kids for a minute and pay attention to me take care of the kids with her and enjoy it how do i spark more interest in marriage is getting boring and what does date night after marriage look like if you're calling it date night you're already in trouble it's becoming too formalized uh we need a date night because we really uh don't like each other so much and we was like let's go back to dating this marriage thing is boring dating was fun date night you go out to eat one night a week so that she doesn't have to cook that's much better than date night date night sounds like uh some kind of a therapeutic activity your marriage doesn't need therapy it needs a little consideration and kindness so yeah get a babysitter and one night go out and eat in her favorite restaurant why because you'll like it you need a better reason than that so what does it mean that the marriage is getting boring marriage is life is your life boring could be people find life boring usually because they're not using their talents when you have unused energy unused talents it it becomes like [Music] like food that you don't digest and it just sits in your stomach feeling heavy you know i didn't even know once complained to the that he has so much to do he has so many projects and so many commitments that he can't take it he needs he needs to lighten his load a little bit what should he give up the debbie gave him another project and at first he was shocked he speaks about it all the time at first he was shocked and then he realized that with this new project he's feeling better he gave him new energy so what was the heaviness that he was feeling the unused talent so what does boring mean there's nothing wrong with life boring means you have talents you're not using it's not the marriage that is boring marriage is the best thing you have in your life so far to blame your boredom on the marriage you're saying my life is not what it's supposed to be it's not enough not your marriage is not enough marriage again is is so far the best part of your life but it's not enough so do more but don't blame the marriage marriage is your stability the marriage is your your anchor marriage is your safe place but there needs to be more so do more is it always about her your relationship with her is always about her even in the intimacy the physical intimacy it's always about her you're there to give not to take it's an interesting thing anything that that is not the nature of a spear a man has to avoid at all costs if you're not acting like a mashfia you're acting like a macabre it's going to mess you up you know the worst part of pornography that nobody ever talks about what is the worst part of pornography whatever okay the worst part of pornography is that if you watch pornography you become emasculated now you need viagra because when you're watching pornography you are the macabre and that becomes a terrible habit now you can't be mushpia you're emasculated your masculinity has has leaked out and that's why zetta lavatola is so devastating to the man because you're not being mashpia there's no macabre it's it's distorting the nature of the mashpia in you and then eventually you can't be much bia so you got to really be careful now in the secular world people complain that the way a couple is supposed to be intimate is with the man on top and the woman on the bottom and the feminists are very upset with that [Music] they're ruining themselves the feminists they have forgotten how to be the kabul they're frustrated and and miserable about it and they don't realize what they just did they didn't permit themselves to be macabu so they're all frustrated they don't feel like like a real person because to a woman a real person is a macabre so why does it mean why does the husband have to be on top it's not top or bottom it's which way should you be facing the man has to be facing the earth and a woman is facing her husband that's an insult to a woman when you're when you're making a baby you have to be connected to your mocker the man is minh dumbo so he has to be facing the adama the woman is from the man so she has to face her mocker that's how you have healthy babies but also mashpia means mata mekabul means malmato le mylon so anything that you do in which you're not the mashpiyya it's going to ruin your masculine nature it emasculates can you elaborate on what it takes what it means to avoid things that aren't the nature of a mashbia and what if one's wife thinks that her husband should be doing those things so let's try this again the typhus that happen in a bedroom are hard to control you can't make a rule that says you may not do this you'll be punished if you do it that's that's that's cruel so the the the rung on the ladder the madriga that you're on that's where you're at that's where you are and you have to be honest about it and a husband and wife have to tolerate that in each other so if the wife is being frum and refusing to do what the husband wants that's not correct now if she can't do it if she doesn't you know she finds it personally disturbing then of course you don't force her you don't rape your wife but if she can and she's just refusing because the color teacher told her or something that's not right but again you can't force you can't demand but to make it a habit to become careless about it is really risky because the way you behave affects the way you feel it's like i don't know if this if this happened to you in your marriage but it kind of it kind of explains things and kala come home from the their first night together they come into the room and the husband says so what do you want to do now or what should we do now she already doesn't like him something is very wrong in her mind something just went very wrong he's he's acting like i'm a cobble if you get into the habit of asking your wife you're going to be emasculated either she won't answer you because she's disappointed or she will answer you and she will become damashpia and now both of you are miserable so all the things that people do in the bedroom that is not mashpier and macabre like the different positions or the different activities that are not intimate just mechanical they're so destructive i mean if you if you know a little bit about the secular world what goes on it's so free it's so loose everybody in their house is practicing pornography and you would think that they would be happy there is absolutely no happiness in the secular world there is no intimate happiness the poll that they would you know the pew poll found that traditional couples are much happier with their intimacy much the in alef off the charts much happier with their intimacy than the secular people and the secular people can do anything and everything that's exactly the problem they do everything and anything but not intimacy not what makes a man a man of what makes a woman a woman so you have to be careful don't distort your nature and don't ignore it so what is the greatest pleasure that a man has that he gave and it was mescal remember the rebel went to see freud to check him out what did freud say to siddha you have to tell the rebbe that you heard and that you understand you have to be i'm a kabul for the rapper's sake right so what gives a man even you responded to me not not you obeyed me you became what i needed what i wanted not us gets all of his pleasure all of his contentment all of his satisfaction he really feels like a mensch when he gave and it was received if he gives and it's not received that destroys him completely as like a comedian who tells his best joke and nobody laughs it's devastation that's it he's finished if he gives up and he decides that i obviously i'm not a very good mash pia so i'll become the macabre i'll ask my wife what she wants to do in the bedroom i'll let her take charge let her give me pleasure it's always about her if you're aram ashby because you can't be mashpia if it's not her without the macabul there is no hashpaw so yes it's always about her not your life is about her the marriage the relationship is about her but that's true in every relationship if you have a relationship with the dead but who is it about ah all about that you have a relationship with the ibrush what is the relationship of course from from the abrasive side and from the jebus side it's israel so in every relationship it's always the other otherwise it's not a relationship question how do i know that we have issues that are normal not that we need real therapy i don't think a couple ever need real therapy i don't understand what it means you you can't get along on some biological level and you need therapy to be able to get along that doesn't make any sense there's really no such thing as marriage therapy but there is personal therapy a wife may need therapy a husband may need therapy the marriage just needs respect and kindness not therapy but what do you do if your wife literally needs therapy she was traumatized as a child and she still hasn't gotten over it and every little thing disturbs her and she can't function she has nightmares this is the husband's job not really if she has pneumonia you're gonna you're gonna treat her you're gonna take her to a doctor personal therapy is often needed marriage therapy there's no such thing stop looking at your wife with anger look at her with a little rahmanus and everything is fine for that you don't need therapy you need menchvache but if there really is an issue these guys say i hate my wife she has a border personality disorder if that's true it's not always true but if it's true then then it's like she has pneumonia what are you angry at her for here's a good question why are women on here listening are there i don't know next question what if she doesn't have interest in me and i'm trying my best well can any woman not have interest in her own husband it can't be that she's not interested she's either attracted or she's turned off not interested is not an option she's either feeling close to you or feeling distant from you but there's no such thing as not interested it's like saying she doesn't care there's no way you can live with a man and not care you either love him or hate him you either feel secure or you feel frightened so you really should get together with somebody the question was changed okay she hates me hate is the opposite of love where there is hate there is also love and you can switch it so if she really hates you she should talk to somebody figure out what exactly it is is it correct is she seeing you correctly is she not seeing you correctly is there something you're doing that makes that makes her hate you figure out what it is don't don't don't step out of the relationship like she hates me that's it i'm turned off i don't want to hear about it if she hates you she's having a problem help her with this problem her problem is that she hates you help her out don't fall apart question i am married for five years and i'm always the one to initiate tashmish is that an issue no it's not an issue you should be the initiator and as long as she is not refusing then everything is fine you don't have to be on the same wavelength of passion or of taiva she's not she's not so passionate but she's available she's there for you that's good see expecting her to take initiative means you want to be the macabre why is it too hard to be a mashbiya why would a man not want to be mashpia come on three guesses the only reason a man doesn't want to be a mashpia is because he's afraid of rejection i will make a joke and nobody will laugh i will become passionate and no one will respond in other words you don't have the confidence to be a mushpia has to be confident and that's why you date what is the purpose of the dating the purpose of the dating is to see whether with her you have the confidence to be a mashpia with many women you won't have the confidence she's smarter than you stronger than you faster than you doesn't bring out the mashpia in you but the woman you marry is because with her you feel like a mushpia you feel like there's something you can do for her that you can give her and you have the confidence when did you lose it how did you lose your confidence whatever it is you get it back how do i deal with her moods you support the moods you're never there to fight her on something if the moods are a really serious problem then she should go to a doctor but you're not the doctor you're not the one to heal her of those moods you are there to support her in those moods if she feels like she needs to go to sleep in the middle of the day help her help her go to sleep don't say why do you need to sleep so much hey hey you're not the therapist if she wants then she should go to somebody who can help her but you're there to support her not to discipline her well i can't let her go on you can't let her that's not that's a loss of respect [Music] so just think like a husband and you will have a wife don't be a policeman don't be her therapist don't be heard of don't be her musliga be a husband be somebody that she trusts and relies on completely because you never will disappoint her you'll never abandon her even temporarily like when she's in a bad mood [Music] again as long as it's normal you know if she has violent fits then then that's like pneumonia and the same if you have violent fits don't expect her to fix it okay i never expected this roller coaster ride some people complain about their children that their relationship with their children is a roller coaster it is never a dull moment always something new always something different but that's life as long as you really care for each other you can go on a roller coaster together one more question there has never ever been a time that she asked for intimacy on her own no matter how much i am mashpiya amashpiya gives what is needed the mashpiya who teaches his third grade students is not a mashpiyya he's an abuser because he's forcing something on the students that they don't need to hear they're not ready to hear a mashpia is not somebody who always does what he wants and expects the macabre to cooperate amash pia is somebody who does what the what the macabre needs provides for what for what the hunger demands now of course you can you always push a student a little further than their comfort zone so you don't ask to tell me them every day are you in the mood to learn today or otherwise we won't no no you we're going to learn but we're going to learn what you need to hear what you're ready to hear what you're capable of understanding and a little more than in your comfort zone that's how the intimacy should be you want a little more than she is comfortable with and that's okay with her but the main thing is is she satisfied not are you satisfied there was a story that somebody came to the altar in the early years of siddhas and said i'm i'm a wealthy man i give a lot of tadaka i have a lot of but i don't know if i am sincere i think it's an hygiene game altadeba's answer was the hungry man who eats at your house at your table enjoys the food appreciates the food sincerely what more do you want the rich man is the mashpiyya the mashpiya is bothered disturbed by the hunger of the poor and he wants to do something about it so he provides food and feeds the hungry now this man comes to the altar and says but i don't feel like i'm really sincere with apni is within answer was that is not a question for amashpiya amash pia's question is what i gave the poor person was it this cobbled with an ms did it work did it solve the hunger if yes i'm i'm successful i'm perfect do i have to have a feeling that what i did with no not necessary doesn't doesn't introspect he's always looking at the cobble to see what else is needed that that's that's mashpia that's that's affords us that's outreach that's that's about work what does the macabre need am i being a hundred percent sincere no probably not you're a hypocrite but that's not the opposite of a mashpia the opposite of a mashfiyyah is when you want somebody else to give to give you what you're hungry for if you want the poor man to feed you no now you're not amashipiya or if you want to teach the man how to make a living and all he wants is food and you're not a mashbiya now if you have needs and who doesn't there are places there are times and there are relationships in which you are the macabre and that's why the debut was saying you have to have a mashpia because when you feel like a mekabul you have to find your mashpia to your mashpia your makabu not to your wife to your wife you're the mashbiya the wife is your mikabul but to her children she's a mashpia so everything has to be appropriate to the relationship if you learn my mercedes and you know what it feels like to be macabre now you can go home and be a better husband the better you understand them a couple the better you are at being mushbia but don't become the macabre in your marriage you feel needy talk to your mashpia not to your macabre [Music] does what you said earlier mean that the wife can never give pleasure to her husband if she enjoys it i didn't say never let's let's not use those words never always [Music] you gotta you gotta in this area you have to be flexible but don't make a habit of of switching roles of her being mashpia you're being the kabul on occasion it's nice there's room for it [Music] in some way you're makable from your mesh from from your macabre but but don't don't lose yourself don't give up on being mashpia because that's really where your pleasure comes from the other pleasure what she can do for you to give you pleasure that that's that's just gosh that's just a it's not a satisfying pleasure it's just a momentary pleasure it's like chocolate it tastes wonderful but it doesn't do anything for you okay so wouldn't it be nice if sometimes it comes from her as well really what you're asking is i need to know if she really appreciates what i'm giving her if she never asks for it it makes it look like she doesn't really want it so when i'm giving to her she doesn't really want so i'm not a mushpia so you're using that it sounds like if she never asks for intimacy you're getting the feeling that when you're being intimate she doesn't really need it she doesn't really appreciate it and that would be devastating because when you're being mashpia and it's not being this kabul that's that's like er verimon in reverse like like delilah frustrated shimshin by not being macabre why does it look like all the other couples i know don't enjoy marriage even my parents what's the deal with their marriages it doesn't seem fun and enjoyable even in those unhappy couples the marriage is the best thing in their life why aren't they enjoying it very good question very good question it's the best thing in their life and and they're not happy with it but it's not the marriage that is to blame it's either because he's not mushpia she's not my couple properly or because they've lost respect and that's why to simply say well then they should get divorced no that would be a disaster because the marriage is the thing that keeps them sane the marriage is the most stable the most wonderful part of their life and as you can see couple people who get divorced they fall apart they stop being human because the marriage was keeping them keeping them healthy why can't it also keep them happy that's why we need to talk about this you need to get the most out of your marriage not the least but the marriage is always wonderful the fact that you're married you just have to make it as good as it can be and it can be about the initiative i saw i believe in the ad that that a couple should talk about how they arrange the initiative sometimes her and sometimes him how does that work it's not a good idea it's it's an american michigan the husband has to be the husband all the time and the wife has to be a wife all the time again other than on occasion an exception to the rule i just realized i asked all my questions [Music] not to you just to the organizer what should i do i mean about about why women are listening um how do you recommend to choose a mashpia for both of us there shouldn't be a mashbeer for both of you your mashpia should be private should be just between you and the mashpiyya and hermapia should be private to her give yourself a little space give her a little space okay here's here's an important question how does being mashpia or leader work with disagreement she says you always do what you think etc meaning on the other hand the husband is also a partner and you got to work things out in other words he can't just do what he wants because he's a mashpia though i know you don't like the partner perspective in marriage of course there's a there there's a an obligation not just privilege amash pia is not privileged that he can do whatever he wants that is completely wrong he can't do anything that doesn't work for her what i'm saying is not that the masjid should always do what he wants the mashpia should always take responsibility for what needs to happen never drop the responsibility never leave her alone with a problem you're always there because you're always willing to take responsibility not you're always willing to take charge to be a dictator can you talk about when the mitz in the mitzvah we have to try to do it her on top because it hurts her the regular way and that's what stops her from actually performing the mitzvah otherwise and i realized that i asked my question to the organizer there's no question that if it hurts you you can you can you can be makel but but it's got to be solved it can't go on you know you can't live your life like that because again your your mashpia role is being is being destroyed so until until you find the solution you can be makal but you must find a solution i don't get this question kindly give me some concrete ways for this week that i can do concrete tasks okay what can we all do this week to make our marriages better you can stop and ask yourself am i generous enough with my wife generous doesn't mean money doesn't mean only money be generous with your time like for example people who came to see the ribbon always commented on the fact that the rebbe acted like he had nothing else to do that he had all the time in the world for you and it was only a minute but he was generous with that minute he didn't talk to you on one foot looking at his watch be generous with your time when you're talking to your wife there's nothing else you want to do there's no place else you want to go there's no one else you would rather be talking to you're completely there for that time generosity in time then generosity and space allow her into your space don't keep her at arm's distance emotionally be generous with your words if she does something nice and you appreciate it say so women desperately need appreciation more than compliments men need compliments women need to be appreciated just don't take me for granted that's all a woman wants i'll do whatever i need to do but don't take me for granted notice what i do and express appreciation that's generosity with words and then you have to be generous with your opinion don't be critical don't look for faults don't notice every little fault look at the positive that's number one number two respect check it out do you talk to her respectfully let me respectfully and talk down to her check it out because it could be that without realizing it and without meaning to you are talking down to her and it hurts so respect dignity are you making it hard for her to respect you are you thinking i can do whatever i want and she better respect me or she will respect me because i'm her husband don't don't do that so number one check out your generosity number two check out your dignity and your respect of her and her respect for you are you making it hard on her to respect you and number three where's the edelkite marriage is supposed to lift you up make a real mensch out of you bring out the best in you so don't stop growing it's an avodah avoid them means progress not staying in the same place and certainly not going downwards or backwards so where is the conducion a marriage without kadusa is a disaster it's like the world without a toyota it's going to be a horde the marriage has to have certain amount of kedusha a certain amount of realization that you're doing something that really human beings shouldn't be allowed to do it's too important it's too it's too high it's too holy making a baby you're making a baby you're allowed to do that you're allowed to tamper with neshamas bring the shamans make neshamas what qualifies you to do that so realize that you're playing with fire and it's a privilege so that's the final thought for tonight how you behave in the bedroom has a powerful effect on the babies that are born a secular world is just starting to catch on the medical world scientific world a fetus feels and hears everything from the moment of conception even thoughts and feelings just before conception so when you're doing the mitzvah of peru [Music] you you you want to do your kid a favor and pay attention what is the best way to introduce a neshama into this world what is the best way to bring a baby into the world with which machovis with which cavanis with which feelings and that's why if you're a little bit drunk you should not be trying to make a baby it's not good for the baby if you're angry at your wife don't make a baby out of anger you're going to have an angry kid on your hands if you've already decided to get divorced you're not even allowed to stay in the house because you might make a baby and the baby is going to be disturbed and torn in two directions so out of responsibility for the baby make sure that the intimacy is good enough for the baby so i remember hearing the story about the kotzkereben i heard it when i was a young teenager and it left a big impression uh the katsuke debu was pretty much isolated in the last years of his life he stayed in his room and was uh was hefenville so the siddhim thought that the river wasn't really paying attention but one shabbos afternoon the cuts get asked where a certain khasid was who usually would come that shabbos and he didn't come so somebody said that he's having a problem with his business and he's upset and he's and he's depressed and he couldn't come and the kotsuka said he no if he would have a problem with his business he wouldn't get upset and he wouldn't get depressed it's not his personality he would be here and he would fix the problem see them were a little bit amazed that they'd ever knew the hostage so well so they said what about another hosted what is his personality how would he handle a crisis and that ever described him with intimate detail they went from one to another until finally somebody said to him yeah but what about your son katsuka said do i know my son i know with what machovis i invited him into this world [Music] that's called intimacy so make the bedroom a little holier it's very healthy it's very good for everybody how do i know because if it's good for the baby then it's good for the mother and it's good for the father if it's not good enough for the baby it shouldn't be good enough for you is that being too idealistic is that trying to be a mallach it's simply treating marriage the way marriage needs to be treated it's greater than amalah no malach could do this but we can we can we need to and we get so much benefit from it it would be foolish not to not overnight don't come home and tell your wife that from now on everything changes introduce the changes slowly considerately mutually agreeable raise your marriage to a higher level which means raise yourself and your wife to a holier bedroom you won't regret it well thank you all for listening ah the rabbi is here thank you for the opportunity thank you for the mitzvah and we should all have healthy happy holy marriages it's the only way to fly good night good shabbos thank you rabbi friedman very much this was awesome really appreciate it a