Why You Don't Feel Like Yourself Around Your Spouse

If your marriage was where you wanted it to be in 6 months from now, what would you first notice that's different? Would you feel more connected? Would conversations be easier? Would you feel more loved by your spouse, more respected? Would intimacy feel even more possible and even more comfortable? Now, let me ask you another question. If somehow you managed to get that type of ideal relationship, what would you notice that's different about you? Would you be calmer? Happier? More patient? Less guarded? More comfortable with yourself? I want you to take a second and actually think about it. Most people they start describing a version of themselves they actually like. A version that is more calm, less anxious, more comfortable. And then they make an assumption. The assumption is that when I get the relationship I'm looking for, aka when I get my spouse to change or when I get circumstances out of my control to change, I'm going to be a different person. But what if it was the other way around? What if you becoming a different person, a more comfortable person, a person that's easier to be around, a person that is less guarded, what if you becoming that kind of person would actually help produce the kind of relationship you're looking for? In this video, I want to show you a simple shift in thinking that can help you stop feeling stuck in your relationship. So you can start focusing on something you actually have influence over. Toward the end of the video, I'm going to give you a simple exercise you can do today that might completely change the way how you think about improving your marriage. My name is Rabbi Josh Zeberman and I work with couples who want more closeness, more connection, and more peace in their relationships. And one thing I've noticed is that many people get that order totally backwards. When people think about the relationship they want, they usually describe the relationship itself. The relationship will have more love, respect, trust, will experience less tension together, better communication, will feel more comfortable together, will feel like friends, the relationship will be more fun. And then I ask them a different question. If you had that relationship, if you had a relationship that felt easier, that was more fun, what would be different about you? And people will say things like, "I'll be calm, I'll smile more, I'll be less guarded, less defensive, more relaxed." How would your spouse notice that? That's what I usually ask next. And now they start describing a version of themselves that their spouse admires, a version of themselves that they actually want to be. A version of themselves that their spouse actually married originally. And here's what many people don't realize, and if you could pick up on this, you're going to be on a pathway towards putting your relationship in a better place. The qualities that they're describing aren't relationship qualities, they're personal qualities. They're describing patience, kindness, warmth. They're describing confidence, they're describing presence, they're describing a version of themselves that's less guarded. Somewhere along the way, when there's relationship tension, people for some reason start believing that I could become that person again if my relationship improves. It's backwards, man, because becoming more of that person is actually what's going to improve your relationship. People get uncomfortable when I say this because they say, "Well, wait a minute, you're putting it all on me, and it takes two to tango." That's because you're the one watching this video. If your spouse was watching this video, then I would I'd be talking to your spouse. And if you're watching this video together with your spouse, I'm talking about the two of you. And what I mean to say is that it's not all on you. And there is a lot in relationships that are out of your control. There's circumstances that are out of your control. There are personalities that are out of your control. It takes two to tango, and I get that. But the reality is you have a lot more influence than you think you do. Every relationship is influenced by the people inside of it. I once heard from a college professor who teaches business. He shared this with me, and I thought it was so insightful because I see the same in interpersonal relationships. He says there's no real such thing as business. There's people. Business happens with people. It doesn't really happen without people. Successful business happens with successful people. Successful relationships happen with people who position themselves correctly. And when one person begins showing up differently, it changes the experience of the entire relationship. It's not like a a magic wand. Boom, everything's better. But you put yourself on a pathway toward experiencing significant, meaningful, and noticeable change. And by the way, if this idea does resonate with you, and you'd like help applying it to your own situation, there's a link in the description where you can schedule a half-hour consultation with me. I'll walk you through the process and how I work with people. We'll see if it makes sense for you. Whether we work end up working together or not, my goal is to help you gain clarity about what moving forward in your relationship would actually look like. Creating momentum in your relationship would actually look like. Now, here's what I've noticed. People spend a lot of time asking, "How do I get my spouse to change? How do I get my spouse to understand me better? How do I get my spouse to communicate better?" And those are important questions. And those are questions that are going to frustrate you. Not because they don't deserve an answer but because those are things that are out of your control. A better question is who do I want to be in this relationship and how is that going to potentially impact my spouse, the relationship, the version of marriage our children see? Who do I want to be deep down inside of my heart of hearts? What kind of person do I want to be? What is most important to me? What is that one quality that would make my relationship better? That one quality that embodies who I am as a person. If you were proud of the way you handle difficult moments, what would that look like? What version of you would emerge? If your children were watching, what would you hope they'd see? What version of you would you hope they see? What quality would you hope they pick up on that they might pass on to their children? Because when you start noticing what is most important to you, the essence of who you really want to be deep down inside, that's where change starts becoming real. That's going to create momentum and it's in that momentum where closeness and intimacy becomes a possibility. Because now we're talking about something you can actually practice. As you're watching this, take out a piece of paper or even your phone and write down one to three words that describe the version of you that would show up in the relationship you want. If in a couple of months you felt that your relationship was significantly in a better place, like the good old days, how would you describe yourself? Use one to three words. Try to narrow it down. Try to pack it in. You might be more calm, patient, happy, present. But choose the words that fit you, that you feel describe a version of you that makes you feel more comfortable with yourself. And then ask yourself, if that version of me showed up a little bit more often, what would I be doing differently? How would I act differently? How would I know that that version of me had show up more often? Like how would that be apparent in my actions? If you really want to have a better marriage, you can't live an entire life of suppressing yourself and forcing yourself to be somebody who you're not. You have to discover who you are and see the positive change and impact that that creates. At the beginning of this video, I asked you to imagine having a relationship you want. I asked you what would be different about you. Most people when I ask that question discover something very important. The relationship they want and the person who they want to be are actually connected and they're connected a lot more than they think. Sometimes we get stuck because we're waiting for the relationship to improve before we become that person. And we think that there's like this magic tool that we're missing. If I get the right eye script or use the right therapy worksheet and I start practicing and my husband or wife takes the the the homework that we've gotten seriously and we start You got to look inside, man, and discover a very important and deep part of yourself because that is what's going to create change. That's what's going to bring you back to where you used to be. What if becoming more of that person is the actual path to change? What if the calmer version of you actually creates a calmer relationship? What if the warmer version of you creates a relationship that actually has more warmth? Do yourself a favor. Don't wait for your relationship to give you permission to be the person who you need to be in that relationship. Don't wait for circumstances to give you permission. Create the circumstances. Create the relationship. You are probably going to discover that becoming that person is one of the things that helps your marriage move in the direction you're hoping for. If this idea made sense to you, I want you to watch my next video on communication because most people think their biggest problem is communication. It isn't. Communication doesn't usually create a good relationship. Communication is the outcome of a good relationship. And once you understand that distinction, you're going to look at relationships very differently.