When a Relationship Feels Sacred

Okay friends, paras emir. In this para among many themes we have one that is um it requires a little bit of unpacking to understand its application to understand its relevance. And that is the mitzvah of it's a double-edged double-sided mitzvah. There's a negative and a positive. There's the mitzvah of Hashem of sanctifying God's name. There's the prohibition of profaining or desecrating God's name. I'll read the sentence and just translate it. Don't defame or desecrate my holy name. let me be sanctified bes among the people of Israel. And what that mitzvah is on a very literal level, there's multiple layers to this mitzvah as we'll soon unpack, but what that mitzvah is is basically the mitzvah for one to sacrifice themselves for the sake of God. Were that to be necessary, uh, God forbid, were there to be an extenduating circumstance, Rabbi Aka, the famed sage of the Talmud, was executed by the Romans brutally. And he was in such it was in such a graphic and horrific way. And as his experiencing this slow, painful death. He said, "I've been waiting for this. I've been waiting for this time that I could say, "I love God with all my heart and all my might and that I actually do love God. I finally have the chance to prove it. I've been waiting to prove it." Although some say that Abraham was even on a greater level because he had the chance to prove it but wasn't even looking to prove it. It like wasn't even about him on any level when he jumped into that fire. It was just pure love. There are parameters to this mitzvah. The general rule is from a pureic sense usually when there's a choice mitzvah or death usually which one do we choose? We choose sorry if if if there is do the mitzvah and that will that will lead to death or don't do the mitzvah and live. Right? So usually what are we going to choose? We're going to choose life even at the expense of a mitzvah, even at the expense of a prohibition. Which means somebody uh and and not only do you have that option, you have that requirement, right? Somebody needs to break Shabas if it means saving a life. You must go and drive to the hospital on Shabas even though we don't drive on Shabas if that means saving a life. One must eat non-coosher if it means saving their life because the Torah is supposed to be a source of life not a source of death. So generally speaking you have a choice. Do the mitzvah or live. And these two things are competing against one another. You got to choose life with one exception. Actually, three exceptions. Whatever. There are three exceptions. There are three what we call, I guess, cardinal sins, if you will. Murder. You can't murder somebody else to save your life. You could kill somebody to save your life, by the way. If they're going to kill you, that's fine. The Torah doesn't say not to kill. It says not to murder. You're allowed to do self-defense. In other words, uh murder. You can't murder to save your life. Yeah, kill or be killed. In in that type of situation, you could kill, but you can't murder. Idolatry. One cannot serve idols or engage in idolatrous behavior, even if that means saving their life. and adultery. One cannot bake uh uh break the boundaries of certain prohibited relationships and engaging with somebody else who's already married. Even if that means saving a life, those are the three things. But other than that, if it's shabas, if it's kosher, if it's yum kipper, if it's eating on your whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Life is going to take precedence. However, um I'm just running through some of the basic laws here just to give us some background here only applies in private. If one is in public and somebody is challenging them with either fulfill the mitzvah and live and die, sorry, don't fulfill the mitzvah and live. and it's a public thing like they're trying to make a statement then one is obligated to sanctify God's name in public even if that means death. So if somebody goes up to God forbid somebody were to go up to a Jew and say privately break the Sabbath or die. one may and should break the Sabbath. If that were to be public and they're trying to make a statement out of this Jewish person, see, Jews could break the Sabbath because it's a public statement. One cannot one one has to actually stick to their values and stick to their guns. But if it's private, that's fine. But then guys, there's a third level here. And I I don't know why, but I just find this to be fascinating. And I I pray that we never find ourselves in this situation, but I find the philosophy behind it to be fascinating. If it's a time of if it's not an individual persecuting, it's a public persecution, a governmental persecution, for example, the Spanish Inquisition or whatever it is, right? It's some sort of public general Jewish pgram persecution type situation. It doesn't matter if it's public. Doesn't matter if it's private. A Jew must stick to their values at all costs. But here's what the Talmud says. The Talmet takes it a step further. How do you define Jewish values? How do you define Jewish values in this context? The Talmud says, even if it's not a mitzvah, even if it's a minhag, even if it's a Jewish practice, right? There's no biblical statement where a yamaka for example. It's in halaka but it and it's it's a a strong prominent part of Jewish identity but it's not a one of the biblical mitzvah. But even if it was a tradition like wearing a yamak or even something whatever it was if there was a certain Jewish dress that would need to prioritize that would need to be prioritized even over life. Um if if you want to look at where this is actually found the tal discusses in track 8. If you look in the beginning of Mishna Torah of the Rambam, you may have come across this in Rambam recently if you guys are doing the one chapter a day. Um, in the foundations of Torah Torah chapter 5, he gets into these. Um, but even if it's a tradition, not a mitzvah, that tradition represents Jewish identity. Jewish identity needs to be preserved to make that statement. This is the mitzvah in this week's para of not making aem which means not defaming God's name and to make a to sanctify God's name. Now God willing we will never find ourselves in one of these situations where we have to make this decision. But there's still a very important lesson here. You know what we call this? We call this msira nephesh. Ms. Nefish is soul sacrifice. And there are times where we could sacrifice our soul, but not for death. Think about it. Imagine somebody was in a situation where they had to choose between their values and life, their Jewish connection to God and life. If somebody had to make that choice, what would compel somebody to prioritize their values over life? What would compel somebody to make that decision? It's an unnatural decision. At least it's not natural to the animal soul. It might be more natural to the godly soul. You know what would compel somebody to do that? The same thing that would compel you to hover over your child at a time of some sort of emergency, earthquake or attack or or whatever it is. Why would you do that? Maybe you should put the child over you, right? Why would you hover over your child? Because you love your child. You'd be willing to do that out of love, connection. What would compel somebody to sacrifice themselves for God? Love. The crazy thing is that love could be there even without the need to sacrifice yourself. If somebody does not come with a gun and say, "Violi Sabbath or you could still love God. And guess what? You probably still do love God. It's just easier to be aware at a time of pressure. So Ms. Nefish is not even sacrifice. It's the reason why you would be sacrificing the love, the connection, the motivation. You know what msirus nephesh means? You know what the word nephish means? Sacrificing your nephesh, your soul, right? Okay. Soul, right? What's a soul? What is a soul? it it and I I I feel like maybe I'm just uh projecting here and excuse me if I am but when we say the word soul very often there's like this image in our mind of like Casper the friendly friendly ghost right what what is a soul we have to sacrifice our soul there's some sort of fictitious ious identity that's could get sucked out with a vacuum cleaner through Ghostbusters. No. Okay, I'm mixing too many different things here. No, I don't know. It's been a while. Sorry. Okay, so you know what a soul is? Soul can mean different things in different contexts, but soul means your drive. We all have a drive and we're willing to sacrifice and refocus that drive for things that we love, for things that we care about most. To the point that we're we had were we to be in a situation where, God forbid, we need to make a choice between what we care about most and preserving life, we'd prioritize what is most important. God willing, we will never be in a position where we have to make that choice, where we have to prioritize and let's assume we won't have to. But the reason why we would make that choice if we had to could still be there and that reason is love. That reason is connection. Maybe the mitzvah of making a kdish hashem, sanctifying God's name in public is not just the act of sanctification, but the motivation behind it, loving God. And we could still fulfill that commandment. Let's take this a step deeper. There's the two words. There's andes the desecrating God's name and sanctifying God's name or borrowed from the exact text in the in the sentence in the verse in the do not desecrate. Translations are dangerous. We know that already, right? What does mean? It does mean desecrated. It's not a bad translation. It's a limiting translation because there's another meaning. You know what the wordal means? Empty. An empty space. It's called aal. Like King David says in the book of Psalms inimal my heart. And he says the same word my heart is empty. So not to make a hashem is not just about not desecrating God but not creating a space that is empty of God. In reality there is no space void of God. But sometimes from our perspective there could be a space that is void of God. And when there is a space in our minds or hearts that is void of God, what does our God what does our relationship with God look like? What does our dedication to God look like? Think about like a marriage. In marriage, you are married to the person you married the whole time, not just when you're at home. It's It's not like, you know, kids play house. You ever play house as a kid? Okay. By the way, I didn't know this. Maybe I'm like aging out here. Starting to age out, but the the next generation I'm just as raising little kids. They updated the name. They call it family. Isn't that deep? That's very deep. Cuz the house is just the space. The family is kids are are are very deep. When I was in preschool was playing house. When you play house, you're married while you're playing house and then you the game is over. But in marriage, you're married to the person whether you are um in the same home, whether you're at work, whether you're on a business trip, whether you're on vac like like the circumstances don't change the marriage. The only thing that changes are the individual's perspective of the marriage. That's what changes And as with God, we don't make a space in our minds that seems to be void of God. I mean, it's the same in relationships. Don't make a space that is void of this relationship. But what would the reverse of that be? Sanctify me. One way to translate this is, and this is probably what the English say, sanctify me among the children of Israel. But doesn't just mean among it means within. God wants to be with us. He wants to be in our hearts. And God is everywhere. But he wants to be perceived in our hearts. Like a marriage. Marriage is where is the marriage? I don't know. It's everywhere. You're married. But it should take a prominent space in the heart. And when God makes takes prominent space in our heart and that's through prayer, that's through studying, that's through mitzvah, he becomes more relevant. Relevant to who? Everybody. the traditional understanding of kdesh hashem like the way we teach children like we tell a child you're representing the Jewish people make a kdish hashem right don't litter in public that's going to make a kul hashem that's going to desecrate God people are going to see a person representing god littering or whatever they may be Right? Be a mench. So you can make a kdeshm because we're representatives of God. God tells us at Mount Si that we are going to be the kohanim. We're going to be the people dedicated to serve God, a light unto the nations. And fulfilling that role is by make the way we fulfill that role is by making a kdosh hashem. But kdush hashem sanctifying god is not just a behavior. What would compel me to make a kid Hashem? What would compel me to sacrifice myself for God? What would compel myself to want to represent God? A feeling that he's with me in my heart. Like in marriage, what would make one want to represent their marriage publicly and be proud of it? The feeling that they actually care. Here's what I find to be just so beautiful. This is such a paradigm shift. I I read this this morning. Um I I have a book here. I'm going to share it with you. It's a Yiddish book. It's called the Rebeter. It's clips verbatim of talks that the Labavich Reb had addressed to children. So many of the talks and sikas and teachings of of the Rebba are to adults. But then there's talks to children and he's taking ideas in Torah making them really direct and to the point so that a young child can can understand. Here's one of the things he says the para says not to make aem not to desecrate God to sanctify God. Which means if the Torah is relevant to a child and guys, if if the Torah is relevant to a child, it's probably relevant to to adults as well. If the Torah is relevant to a child, then the the Torah is saying sanctify God. Do you know what that means? God's presence is depending on us. Isn't that crazy? God's presence is dependent on us. How present is God in this world? How relevant is God to this world and everything that comes with that? I mean, imagine imagine God was perceptually more relevant to this world, which is what's going to happen when Messiah comes, by the way. You know what would happen? The wolf would dwell with the lamb, like Isaiah describes in his prophecies, and the viper with the baby. The world is going to be a much better place with God here. The world is better and God's presence is dependent on a human. Experiencing God is relevant. That's a lot of power, guys, right? When Messiah comes, the swords are going to be plishers. All these prophecies of the messianic era of this world being a more peaceful place are outcomes of God being more relevant. And that's a lot of responsibility and power that a human being has. It's crazy. That's what it is to have a kid. It's the ability to literally make a difference. And it starts with experiencing God in our own heart. I mean, think about it. Imagine you're more inspired with your soul. We're probably going to look at people differently. We're probably going to treat people differently. We're probably going to be perceived a little bit differently in in a better way. We'll be more peaceful. Our homes will be more peaceful. It literally makes a ripple effect and changes the world. U not just spiritually, spiritually, it's much more efficient than the ripple effect. It literally could be like the the last tipping of the scale like that mymonies describes. But even just scientifically, if you will, or socially, there's a real ripple effect that's made. I'll share with you two stories that really talked to me about this idea of an individual having the ability to to really make a difference. God depending on individuals, even children. So, story number one, really more anecdotes. There was once a young girl, a nine-year-old from Israel. She came from a religious family and for whatever reason, she was convinced that God was angry at her. And her parents tried talking her out of it. God loves you and you love God and God cares and God is forgiving. Like, they thought she was going through a depression or something. They brought her to different therapists and it didn't help. They took her to different sages and rabbis and it just wasn't really people were trying to talk her out of it and talk her into how God really does love her and God cares and don't think about it and that's maybe you're misunderstanding God or what God is. They got a hold of Rabbi Manis Freiedman and they're on the phone with him. They say, "Our 9-year-old is convinced that God is angry at her. We're trying to talk her out of it. Can you help us?" He says, "Sure. Can you please put her on the phone?" He says, "Hello." She goes, "Hey." He says, "I I heard that God is angry at you." She says, "Yeah." He says, "How old are you?" She says, "Nine. Can I ask you a question? How did you do that?" She says, "Do what? You're nine. How did you anger God? I mean, like, I have nine-year-olds. I anger them. They get me angry and then I I move on. But like, how are you so relevant to God as a 9-year-old that you can anger him? You see how the conversation changed? It's not about anger anymore. Maybe she's perceiving it as anger and that's not healthy. But the healthy thing she is perceiving is God is relevant and that relevance depends on her. Story number two. Many years ago when we were living in New York, I bumped into an old friend who was going through a difficult time at that particular juncture in his life and was having a hard time on on multiple fronts but religiously as well. So I said, "Why don't you come to come to Shaw with us?" He comes to sh with us to take him a shul and then I realized like as we're in the shul this was probably a mistake just because it's there's different kinds of shs but this was like a no talking shaw where they're like you know like every no talking shaw has the shusher in the background. This was a no talking schul explicitly no talking shaw. I'm not even sure what I was doing there. No, I'm kidding. This was a no talking sh and he was a bit of a chatty guy. great guy and it wasn't a good fit and the rabbi came to him and started off as respectfully reminding him of how things are done in this shul but Rabbi again is a great guy but got a little trigger happy and was just a little bit too elaborate in his rebuke was a a little uncomfortable. Again, everybody has their moments and I'm not judging him or the rabbi or anything. I'm just telling you what happened. We go home and okay, we had an awkward evening, whatever. The assumption was not going to see him there anymore. But next week he was back and the rabbi even came up to him and apologized and said, "I'm sorry I overdid it a little bit." And then asked him like, "We didn't think you were coming back. Why are you here?" He says, "You made me realize how relevant I am. I could be at home by myself in my apartment. I can make as much noise as I want and it won't impact anybody. I come here and I actually get to make a difference. Maybe I didn't make the best difference, but I could make a difference. And that is the responsibility of and the knowledge that simple human beings like us, we're just people. We have our mistakes. We have our good times, our bad times. We literally can make a difference. God is putting responsibility on us to make this world better. This is, by the way, just tying this back to relationships because I I just I can't get away from this. When a couple is going through a difficult time and they want to experience the ideal version of marriage, they are so impactful. They have the ability to make it profane or to make it sacred. It's like you got this. Just as on a larger scale, we can make this world. We can make this world a better, more sacred place. It's dependent on us. We have so much power. Okay, that's my story and I'm sticking to