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a therapist tells his client I don't talk about problems I just talk about Solutions don't tell me your problems tell me your Solutions and the client thinks for a moment and says well I guess I have a drinking solution we tend to see things two-dimensionally we see problem we see solution and sometimes we'll even convince ourselves that we don't want to deal with the problem we just want to deal with the solution which is dealing with the problem you can't solve a problem you can't provide a solution to a problem unless you understand the problem and there is an inherent risk in doing this the risk is thinking you understand the problem when you really don't because problems are multi-layered so when somebody has an addiction you don't necessarily know why they have an addiction you don't know why they're addicted you don't know if it's a relationship issue if it's a cognitive issue if it's a medical issue if it's a neurological or psychological or social issue when somebody has a bad marriage and they're coming in for couples therapy you don't know if it's psychological if it's sociological if it's biological if it's medical if it's neurological if it's psychiatric there's so many components and layers to issues and even if you succeeded at diagnosing an issue you don't know if that's the full issue and therefore providing Solutions even to problems that seem obvious has risks there are many therapeutic modalities that do provide Solutions based on research and Based on data and I'm not suggesting they don't work I'm just suggesting that doing this has to be done incredibly cautiously because you have to be very good at weeding out all the issues is are and believe that you actually understand the true root of the issue and this is the risk in seeing things two dimensionally which is problem solution and somebody has a problem they want a solution they want to be told what to do it's very easy to just tell me what to do tell me how to break the cycle tell me what I could do differently there is a third way of looking at things a third dimension and that is not looking necessarily at the problem and not even looking for Solutions but looking for for difference looking for what you want instead of the problem anybody who has a problem no matter what the problem is wants something different when somebody has an addiction that they're ashamed of a relationship is foiling somebody is going through depression or anxiety and they come to a therapist they come to a counselor they come to their clergy or whatever it is what they want is something else instead of that issue and highlighting the difference that they want is incredibly valuable because when you get to the heart of what somebody really wants you're not telling them what to do to solve a problem you're telling them who they could become and perhaps even who they have become so far that can Empower them to face that problem there tends to be like this attitude in life of let's meet people where they're at tolerance and meeting people where they're at is it's respectful it's respectful thing to do you're respecting people's issues when you meet them where they're at when you're respecting people's limitations when you meet them where they're at there's an alternative way to look at things how about meeting people where they want to be in other words not focusing on their problems limitations focusing on their possibilities through which they have the ability to flourish and grow incredibly the bmov used to say that where a person's will is that's where they are I would like to appreciate where they really want to be not what they should do differently but who do they really want to become what is the difference that they're looking for everybody's looking for difference not everybody's aware of the difference that they're looking for because the pain sometimes just so deep but when that difference is respectfully and graciously highlighted what emerges from here is Hope and that hope is incredibly healing in contrast when we just start to solve problems and problem solves for people and just let's tell people what to do very often we could end up giving them bad advice I can't tell you how many people I've heard from who've gone to therapists for serious issues and have got incredibly lousy advice I'm not saying that all therapists are bad and people should not go to therapy and I'm not saying that if somebody goes to a therapist it's likely they're going to get bad advice but I'm just telling you anecdotic that the amount of people I talk to that have gone to therapists and have been given horrible advice why don't you get divorced for your own happiness why don't you just do this why don't you just do that it's problem solving and they're not good Solutions because the therapist often doesn't understand the full scope of the issue but an alternative way of looking at things is rather than be trying to get to the heart and root of your problem let's get to the heart and root of what you want instead well isn't that masking the issue and the answer is no it's not masking the issue because what you want instead of the problem is an incredibly vulnerable deep and real part of you and the more that becomes relevant the more that becomes meaningful the more you're empowered to think about that the more that can become real true and hopeful and ultimately healing if you are in need of help and you're looking for something a little different reach out there is an incredible amount of groundbreaking research that shows that we we help people face their Angels they're empowered to face their demons rather than just throwing attempted Solutions at them that's my story and I'm sticking to it