Thriving Relationships - Are We Asking The Right Questions?

Every thriving marriage has one thing in common. Every marriage that seems to be going south also has one thing in common. People don't set out to grow apart, to feel distant, to be frustrated at each other. But life happens and we find ourselves asking, "How did we get here? How did this happen?" We're asking the wrong questions. The very [music] first instance of human connection described in the Torah, Adam and Eve. The Torah says of Adam, Adam knew Eve. How sensitive are we to somebody [music] else's needs? I want you to imagine [music] that you're on your way home and you go, "Oh, shucks. I forgot something." You're trying to figure out what it is. It's not my phone. It's not my briefcase. Not my keys. You left your emotional baggage at work. When you walk [music] in the door, what is the first thing your spouse is going to see in you that gives her a clue that maybe this [music] emotional baggage for the time being isn't here? Noticing the version [music] of you who you really want to become. Looking for that reality. When [music] we begin to notice the things we care about most, what's wrong becomes a little bit less relevant. And this [music] shift brought so much peace to his marriage because he now saw his wife not through the lenses [music] of what she wasn't doing, but through the lenses of how much she cared and how much she really was taking [music] care of him. When we notice what's really important to us, what matters to us most, we start [music] to see more of it. That introduces more peace and calm into our lives. Close your eyes for a moment and think about the time when you had [music] first met your spouse, when you were dating your husband or wife. What did you see in [music] him or in her that you wanted to see more of that had first attracted you that brought you together? What version of you would you be most proud of your [music] spouse to notice? What version of you would you be most proud for God to notice? There is a version of you that you would be more proud of. It's there. [music] There is a version of your marriage that you can refocus on. >> [music] >> I'll often ask couples, if your marriage was in a better place, what would you first notice? And so many had shared with [music] me a similar answer. They don't mention better financial stability or important stuff. What they [music] usually say is, "We'd feel lighter. We'd be joking more. We share more silly moments together. It's these [music] moments of positivity and joy that we learn to embrace that makes our [music] relationships more peaceful. It makes us more peaceful people. There's an ancient [music] Jewish teaching. Joy breaks through all boundaries, breaks through all psychological, emotional barriers. Every thriving marriage has [music] this in common. The couple believes in each other. They believe in the best version of one another. And when they learn to look for it, they begin [music] to notice more and more of it because a little bit of light dispels much darkness.