The Most Dangerous Thing You Use… Also Creates Life

I feel like I'm on a bit of a rampage here, but there is this global fear and I get it and I'm not judging anybody for it, but people have been burnt by by toxic positivity and because of that people are afraid to be positive. Yes. Okay friends, the story begins. We are on the Torah portion of Emmore. Emour means to say God commands Moshe to instruct to say something to the kohanim. There's an instruction to the kohanim. Right el kohanim. Go speak or talk to the kohanim and you're going to tell them some rules about being a cohen. And one of the primary rules about being a Cohen that still applies today is that they can't become impure. They can't come in contact with a corpse besides for certain situations. They can't go to cemeteries for that reason besides for certain situations that are geared for that. And this is the and then there's a whole slew in list of rules and regulations for kohanim to sing to keep their sanctity in order to serve properly to serve God properly in the base of mikdash. One of the things that the lab used to stress a lot was not just the theme of a para but the name of a para. Very often there's laws in the parha that have inspiring messages. There's themes, anecdotes, stories if you will, historical tidbits in the para that have messages. But the name of a para also has a message. And it's interesting because if you just read the full sentence, the opening sentence of the para, it doesn't seem like a widely applicable message. Although there probably is some sort of widely applicable message but it's directed toward kohanim elhanim speak to the kohanim tell them the laws of impurity but the name of the para is not emor elhanim the name of the para traditionally is emor just to speak and there's some sort of message in the power of speech the power of speech is an incredible um I mean it could be the greatest weapon and it can be the greatest asset if that is that the right word I don't know it can be the greatest uh could be one of the greatest things it speech is incredibly powerful you can through speech you can literally destroy somebody's life god forbid you could literally enhance save and uplift somebody just with a few short words. It's an incredible thing. And here's the reason why speech is so powerful. This is the kicker. This is like the paradigm shift. We're used to seeing speech as something that is external, something that is superficial. In other words, it's just a way of expressing something deeper, but it doesn't have real inherent value. And the proof is I could say something that's totally convincing and I could say it with conviction and you might believe it and there might be zero truth to it. Like CNN, sorry. Okay. Um, did I say that out loud? Um, speech is usually understood as a revelation of something, a representation of something deeper, but not necessarily true. But the truth is, speech is not just an expression of something deeper. Speech has its own creative ability. How did God create the world? We say in the morning ding, blessed he who speaks and the world comes into being because God created the world by means of speech. Speech was the mechanism by which he had created the world. Let there be light and there was light. Let there be whatever it was and it came into existence. So for God, speech is not an expression of something. It actually creates reality. But here's the kicker. We're created in the image of God. Which means our speech on some level creates some level of reality or at least the level of perceived reality. Maybe even on an emotional level, even if it's not true. You know media I think media is a great example. The media says something enough times and even if it doesn't become the true reality on some level emotionally people start feeling that way. People start buying in that way. It created some sort of vibe some sort of environment because we're created in the image of God. Our speech also creates realities. And I want to give you a couple of examples. I'm going to give you a couple of examples um historically, halakically, psychologically. Let's start with let's start with biblically. I'll give you a biblical example. Okay. See, you remember back back in the book of Exodus, Moshe Rabenu, Moses is walking around Egypt. And again, he didn't grow up in slavery as his brethren did. And he sees an Egyptian beating another Jew. He looks to the right, he looks to the left, and he ends up killing that Egyptian, burying him in the sand. Then Mosha's walking around and he sees two Jews fighting or actually they're not even fighting yet. The Torah says he raised his hand to fight. And Mosha says, "Guys, come on. Come on. We're brothers. Don't fight." And what do they say to Moshe? Are you going to kill us like you killed that Egyptian? And what is Mosha's response? Mosha's Mosha's response is and I quote, "Oh no, the matter has become known. The Torah says that he had feared." What happens right afterwards? Pyro founds finds out and wants to kill Moshe. Wants to execute Moshe. Mosha then escapes, runs away to Midian and he's MIA for the next uh next time little bit of time for a little bit for a little while till either the new pharaoh comes or till things cool down. But here's the interesting thing. Moshe articulated fear and that created a reality, a reason to be afraid. didn't say Pyro found out and then Moshe was afraid. It was the other way around. Moshe was afraid. He articulated that fear then Pyro found out because speech creates some level of reality. Let me give you another example. The Talmud says that speaking negatively or evil about people even if it's true or specifically when it's true, right? That's that's a big deal. That's a very difficult sin to refrain from cuz it's a lot of fun. It's a big deal though. The Talmud goes so far as to say that when somebody speaks lashon har in a in a context that is uncalled for. Obviously is there's certain situations where it might be necessary. But when somebody speaks uh lashon speaks evily about somebody else, three people get killed. This is what the Talmud says. Lashanhara kills three people. Kills the person saying it. It kills the person listening to it. You know the guy who says, "I don't repeat lashhara, so I'm just listen once." No, I'm kidding. Um it kills the person saying it. It kills the person listening to it and it kills the person to whom he's saying it about, the victim. And it's like I I I get why the speaker and the listener, you know, they're in a negative situation. That's not good. But the guy that they're talking about, what did he do wrong? He's a victim. Why are we blaming him? It's not a punishment, but the fact that they're saying something negative about him creates that reality or at least reveals that reality brings that reality into a more concrete potential into not potential into a more concrete uh existence. Literally talking bad about somebody can literally I'll give you another example. There's a book on Jewish ethics mus which means I guess translated as like the first wisdom. There's a lot of various sections of Jewish ethics and you know almost like almost like Jewish psychology where he talks about the love of God. He talks about the fear of God. He talks about uh human intimacy and connection. And it talks a lot about about a lot of different things. In one of the sections he talks about anger and he says when somebody's angry we like to vent and we kind of assume that venting is a good thing. And by the way there might be a place for venting. I'm not anti- venting. But he says at the moment of anger when you talk about the anger you know what's going to happen? You went from being slightly angry to furious because speech creates reality. The psychology is that when you talk about a problem, you're ruminating about it in a very deep concrete way. Um the the opposite would be prayer. We wake up and we're tired and we're you know maybe even before coffee and we do and we just recite these words and if we can make meaning of the words of davining we could be inspired. It's like how could I be inspired these I just read a book because these words create realities and when I speak them I'm forced to ruminate about them and when I ruminate about them it it opens my mind it opens my heart. One of the things that I've been really thinking about a lot and really implementing, especially in in the the work and in the counseling that I do, is getting couples to talk about their preferred reality. You know, I see couples that are coming to me because they're in a situation that they're not happy with. And when I ask a question like, "So, what compelled you to pick up the phone and call me?" That's making them talk about their problem. And their problem deserves a lot of attention and respect. But forcing them to talk about the problem is getting them to think more about it. Is creating or I should say revealing, exacerbating that reality. As deep and as painful as it is, this will make it more painful. Right? Talking about pain is painful. But the very first question I ask couples is what are your best hopes for our discussion? Like if I got you out of here and you were satisfied, what would be different? What is your preferred reality? What do you prefer? What do you what would you rather experience than what you're going through now? And the reason why I'm asking that question is not because I'm a gumball machine and I'm going to hand them whatever they're looking for. The reason why I'm asking that question is because when they answer that question, they're creating that reality. So when the wife says, "I want to feel more trust in this relationship." She had just created this reality, started to be on the journey of creating a reality where she could have more trust in her relationship because she articulated that, she spoke that because words have creative ability. The reason why I'm telling you this is because this is true not just scientific uh this is true not just spiritually, but it's even true scientifically and neurologically. Research shows that when people talk about trauma, they feel pain. They get hurt. When people talk about the strength they have in spite of their trauma and the hopes they have, they feel hope. They feel joy. They feel strength. And again, it's not minimizing or brushing the problem or dismissing the problem. That's not even what I'm saying here. You could still honor somebody's problem and validate, but with the right words craft uh carefully crafted, you can literally save a life. And the reason is because we're created in the image of God. God creates through speech. Our speech has creative ability. They say that the mag of Mezri who was the successor of the Bashmtov he he was one of the you know he the Bashto founded the kididic movement and with theidic movement came this incredible deep thought and perspective and philosophy of Torah that they're studying. And he was deep in deep uh into the he was studying cabalistic works in great depth. And sometimes there's ideas in Cabala that are very hard for the human intellect to wrap your mind around. Like how do I actually understand this? Uh, I mean, we've all had moments where we're reading something and in in in any subject and it's like, let me read that again, right? You don't fully get it. So, imagine an incredibly intelligent, brilliant, genius, righteous, pure soul, but there's just certain things that are beyond the human brain. Yet somehow he had the ability to teach them and transmit them to the next generation. How? So apparently what he used to do is start talking about it before he even understood it and that would help his understanding because speech creates an incredible depth uh maybe even deeper than just understanding without speaking. Mymonities writes in his code of Jewish law, you have the mitzvah from last week's Torah portion of Israel of love your fellow Jew. And my monity specifies in more detail than the the actual text of the Torah, how do you fulfill this mitzvah? How do you fulfill the mitzvah of love your fellow Jew? You know what the Rambam says? My monity says talk about the praises of your friend. How do you love your fellow? Speak their praises. And there's two ways to look at this. One way to look at it is if I love my fellow, I'll speak their praises. So speaking their praises is the barometer that shows I love my fellow. But another way to interpret it is I should love my fellow, but I don't. I have an idea. I'll speak their praises because that speech will create a reality. Again, going back into the counseling room, when I get couples to talk to each other about what they like most about each other, it opens up a whole world of something they never even thought about but knew the whole time. It reveals a whole reality that they wanted to experience so much but forgot how to. When I say it to a couple, how did you guys meet? Rather than what brought you here and how did you know this was going to work out? How did you know you were going to want to marry this person? When did you first see that? And they start talking about that. That speech is igniting a certain passion that they had forgotten about. like God because we're created in the image of God. There's a certain creative ability in the Rambam's my code of Jewish law. He talks about scholars, Torah scholars. And the Rambam says makes sure that we're very clear that a Torah scholar isn't somebody who is just intellectually involved in Torah, isn't just smart or even just learned. But if he's a real Torah scholar, he's going to be a different kind of person. He's going to be different in the way he talks. He's going to be different in the way he sleeps, in the way he eats. There's going to be a certain demeanor that is just inspirational. It's going to permeate every part of his life. That's what the Torah is going to do. If he's truly a Torah scholar, it's not just going to be, you know, they they they it imagine a doctor who's preaching health and fitness and then in his break he goes out for a smoke, right? It's like, what? Come on. Okay, these are just concepts that I'm sharing, right? For a real Torah scholar, everything he learns has to be internalized behaviorally on some level. And my monities lists 10 qualities that you have to see externally that would be emblematic of deeper knowledge, deeper connection of the Torah scholar. One of which, this is what the Ram says. I'm going to quote it in Hebrew and I'll translate it. A scholar talks the praises of his friends. Kal does not talk about his demise at all. Is demise the right word? Uh what's the opposite of praises? His disgraces, I guess. I don't know what's the right word here. Yeah, I know. Okay. But a scholar is going to speak the praises of his friend and not speak the demise or the disgraces of his friend at all. at all. Why? Maybe the scholar knows something we don't. Maybe he knows that the negative traits within that person are very real and I'm not going to talk about them not because I don't believe they're real because why would I want to make them more real? Let let me frame it this way. You there seems to be an inherent ethical contradiction in Jewish law. Seemingly on the one hand, if you want to be a scholar, one of the traits you need to have is you talk the about the praises of people. Not about their demise, not about their disgraces, not about their negative qualities. On the other hand, you have a biblical commandment. last week's Torah portion. You got to rebuke people, reprove people who are doing the wrong thing. Do you see that contradiction? On the one hand, you're the scholar and you know what's right and wrong. And when you see somebody doing this something wrong in a very respectful and polite way, you got to point it out. And there's a whole discussion on the ethics of how and when to do that and when to not do that. That's even more important. On the other hand, a scholar talks only the praises of people, not their negative qualities. Well, how does that work? How can you get both? Have your cake and eat it too, right? How does that work? Okay, here's the answer. And this is just incredible. Incredible. If the scholar is focusing on the praiseworthy version of this person, that's what he's going to bring to light. That's his way of rebuking the negativity by saying that's not the real you. The real you are the praises. The real you is the goodness. The real Yume is not the person sorry is not the challenge you're going through. Whether it be a challenge from your Yates, whether it be a challenge in marriage, whether it be a challenge in child rearing, whether it be whatever the challenge is, that's not you. You are the person who has that capacity to deal with that challenge, to deal with that trauma, to deal with that issue. And focusing on the real you and talking about that brings it to light. I I'll let me tell you a quick story. A couple of days ago, I got an email from a lady from Italy, and it it was in the ask the rabbi section, ask a question section of of my website. And she asks a very painful question, very short. She says, "How can I be happy in my marriage knowing that I'm not going to have children?" This is her question. And if I'm being honest with you, I'm not equipped to answer that question. Emotionally, I'm not equipped to answer that question. Hashem, God has blessed me to not have that challenge. Intellectually, I don't think it's fair to give her a philosophical answer. That could come off as a little cold. And I'm not God. I don't really know. What am I supposed to do here? So, there's two things that I see in this question, and they're both true, and this is what I shared with her, but I think it really highlights what we're talking about tonight. There's two things that I see in this question. Number one, somebody who is in incredible pain. And with that pain deserves incredible empathy. But if I talk to that version of that person, the person who's hurting, the person who's in pain, the person who needs empathy, if I just talk to the version to that version of of this lady, which what am I going to reveal? I'll I'll be supportive and I think that will feel good. How will she identify as a person who is in incredible deep pain, who's hurting and needs empathy? But that's not why she's reaching out to me. That's not fair. It's respectful and nice for me to do that. I don't know if it's fair for me to do that or to only do that. I know this may sound a little little whack of me, but hear me out. Embedded in her question is another version of her. Her question was, "How can I be happy despite a very negative um or or disheartening news knowing that she's not going to have children?" There's a version of her that knows she can be happy despite her issue. And that's why she went out of her way to reach out. And if I were to focus on that version of her saying, "I know that this isn't easy and I know it's challenging and it's painful and give her the empathy she deserves, but you're asking me how you can be happy. You believe you can be happy despite this circumstance. And I would love to hear from you what you would do if happiness showed up and how you would hold on to it and how your husband might notice it. And when you felt this happiness most recently because I believe it was there because you believe you can have it and you can't taste something. You can't want something you haven't tasted. Can't crave something you haven't sampled. I know it's there. and talking to that version of her, the praises can help heal the negative experiences or at least help her cope with the negative experiences she's going through. Similarly, in in in context in a moreic context with the the scholar, he talks about the praises of people, not their demise. Yet, he rebukes them because when he talks about their praises, their negative qualities become less relevant. Not that they're not there and not that they're not real. Not that we're, god forbid, sweeping issues on the rug and under the rug and bearing issues and pretending that everybody's perfect and all rosy and put on this uh stewardous smile and all is good. I'm not saying that. We could be very real. I I think and I I feel like I'm on a bit of a rampage here, but there is this global fear and I get it. I get it and I'm not judging anybody for it. But people have been burnt by by toxic positivity and because of that people are afraid of toxic positivity and because of that people are afraid to be positive and because of that they empathize which is a important thing and then they stop. And when you empathize and just stop, you're helping somebody hold on to their pain. Empathize. Do empathize. Validate people's pain, but also validate the version of them that has the ability to to to cope and manage and and pull through that pain. And I promise you, they have incredible ability to pull through that pain. Number one, God gave it to them and and God knows what they could handle. But number two, you could see that they've handled it. They're here. They're showing up. Talk about that version of them. I got a call from a couple a little while back that wanted counseling and it seemed like a a bit of an urgent situation. And the guy says, "Listen, I've been uh dot dot dot some explanatives of a husband and it's time that I work on my marriage." Says, "I haven't you know, he's trying to convey that he has he feels like he has not been a good husband." I said, "What kind of husband who's going through a really difficult time gets the courage to pick up the phone and call for help?" I guess a good husband. That's the version that I want to talk to cuz that's what we want to see more of. And when we talk about the praises of a person, the negativity becomes less relevant. Let's take a look back at the beginning of the para. The para is called speak to the kohanim. And what does rashi say? The elders need to warn the smaller people, the younger people, the young kohanim. How are the young going to know what to do? when the older people warn them. Sounds kind of scary. It doesn't sound like in the spirit of what we've been talking about. But the way explains it is that the word laaz here to warn comes to the word zohar to illuminate. The older generation has to illuminate and inspire the younger generation. How emir choosing our words incredibly carefully. Okay, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.