Tanya Overview: how to create deep relationships

by raise of hands um who here has some familiarity with the Tanya on some level okay who here might consider themselves very familiar with the Tanya okay amazing amazing it was my second my second fin wow ma very nice very nice there's you know one of the worst things you could do for marketing you know when you go on you think you're there to teach tell and then you realize you're a marketer because you can't really teach if you can't get people to come to the classes and one of the worst things you could say is this is lifechanging come right because nobody wants to change their life that's a scary thing right to tell people this will change your life um but but I would say at least for me the Tanya is incredibly life clarifying before we get into what the big Paradigm Shift of the Tanya is I'd like to share with you two stories of a real impact that the Tanya had on real lives about 11 years ago I found myself in a sh and this fellow comes to me after Min and he says can we learn every day right before Min sure what do you want to learn can we learn the Tanya sure we're learning natanya together and I see this young fellow listening in the distance he Taps me on the shoulder can we talk later okay he overheard our conversation he comes to me after M and he says what is that said it's the Tanya he says can I get in on this can we learn together sure I said does uh you know there's a 8:00 minion does 7:30 work for you I don't do mornings um okay does after minion work you know 9:30 I don't do mornings okay do you want to do in the evening okay we ended up learning in the evening and over conversation I found out that you know he's he was a young boy trying to figure out his life and he got a lot of answers to his questions but one morning I'm at the minion it's 8:00 in the morning and a fellow comes over to me who is I guess much older than I was and he says excuse me are you the guy who's studying Tanya with my child yes you need to do me a favor I I don't know what this Tanya is I've never read it before I've heard of it I need you to continue he says my son has been diagnosed with clinical depression my son has dropped out of Yeshiva he tried going to college but he dropped out he can't hold a job and he's in bed till every single day every single day till noon and he sits in his room in the dark and he's going through a really difficult time but the past few months you've been studying the Tanya with him he says I don't know what's in there but it's working because the kid gets out of bed the kid shows up to minion and the kid is is motivated he says for the first time in his life he bought himself an English Tanya he says my kid never bought a book in his life and he bought himself aanya he says I don't know what's in it but I need you to continue thank God many many years later this this boy who's not such a young boy anym anymore is doing very well living a very productive life that's Story number one story number two I'm not just here to pointlessly throw stories at you to pitch the T you I I have a reason why I'm sharing this you'll soon see but Story number two we're in r in Northern California and you know Northern Cali anybody here been to Northern California or spend a lot of time there okay it's it's different than Southern California um the Jewish Community is very different than Southern California people are I mean for lack of better words people are very woke it's the way it is and when you're teaching truth to people who very much value subjectivity it's it's a very big challenge it's a very big challenge it's it's an honor to have served that challenge but it's a very big Challenge and there was this lady who was in art class and this lady was very large in the very big in the reform movement she was a president of the synagogue and she used to come to the class she says when I go to reform I get to be the teacher I come to kabad I get to be the student I like it and we're studying Tanya for many many years and several years in we're studying a very particular point that she found to be meaningful she stops me in the middle and it was a group of people and she says I I need be honest with you Rabbi my relationship with kabad is very much love hate you guys are good people you guys mean well you guys teach me and I appreciate it but our values are very different you guys believe there should be a you don't believe that there should be women rabbis and women caners and you the whole thing and and she says but I feel like this book is not specific toab it's like very meaningful to me and very like why can't everybody learn this I said who am I to argue there was something about the Tanya that spoke to her very deeply there's something that spoke to this young FR boy who was having a hard time in Yeshiva and there was some thing in the Tanya that spoke to this lady in Northern California who also has very different values and very different backgrounds and very different ideals you know in the in the introduction to the the AL writes that he's answering all the he has all the answers to all the questions here what what is it about the Tanya that can Inspire such diverse people the biggest in my humble opinion the biggest Paradigm Shift of the Tanya is the the Tanya in tells us who we could become Tanya doesn't really give much instruction because if you want instruction you open a and you learn what to do you learn how to be a you learn how to act as a Jew but to learn how to embrace Jud from the inside fully passionately the Tanya is a very good step to do that and I'll I I'll give you I'll give you an example that I think really illustrates this about 11 years ago I was working as a dorm counselor in yivan Crown Heights and I was there together with a friend the yiva was having a shabbaton my friend was going to be on the shabbaton with them being The Chaperone I was going to have the weekend off it's Friday afternoon I walk into our dormatory and my friend who's supposed to be going in the shop Aton in several hours from now is in bed Mendy what are you doing he says I'm not feeling well I can't go I said who's taking your place he says I don't know so all of a sudden what pops up in my mind is that that's going to be me they're going to be asking me so what do you do when you have a responsibility but you don't want to actually do that responsibility you avoid right so I walk into theiva and make sure not to make eye contact with the Riva right and we're walking by don't make eye contact he's going to ask me to go on that chabo and I don't want to go and if he doesn't ask me I don't have to go right that's the by the way you send your kids to Yeshiva these are the people watching your kids be careful I'm I'm walking by the rash yiva and I'm thinking don't make eye contact don't make eye contact we finally pass by and he doesn't say anything score then I hear my name being called The Grain I turn around how can I help you he says men's not feeling well can you go on the shabat OWN it's in a couple of hours from now and I was disappointed I wanted the weekend off I thought I was having that weekend off he so I said to him I didn't want to say no but I didn't really want to say yes so I said if you'd like me to come I'll come which is probably not the most respectable of answers but he was a brilliant educator and he said something that I'll never forget he said I don't want you to come I want you to want to come why don't you get back to me in an hour from now I was 21 years old and thinking wow how empowering and years later it clicked that this is what Hashem wants Hashem obviously wants us to do the Mitzvah and even if we're not feeling it there's incredible value in doing it anyways but what is the ideal that Hashem wants Hashem wants us to want the Mitzvah right like a marriage hasm doesn't want us to be just physically present theem wants us to be fully present if you look back at the first fundraiser first Jewish fundraiser the kosher fundraiser the first non- kosher fundraiser was fundraising for the golden calf the first kosher fundraiser instructed by God by Hashem was fundraising for the mishkan and he's collecting from everybody and tells him collect donations from every single person collect donations from everybody the explains he says We're translating the PK wrong take from meum Ace from Kish what does Kish mean so we we translate it as every person but if you translate it literally what does it mean is the whole person collect donations from the whole person's job is to go around and inspire people to not just give things but to give themselves the biggest Paradigm Shift of the T is to somehow Inspire us and we'll talk about in house soon but it's to somehow inspire us to be able to give ourselves to our relationships our relationships with people our relationships with God not just what we have not just to invest our money in our yish kite or our hands and our but to fully get invested emotionally intellectually and behaviorally to be fully embraced it when we when we take that attitude yish kite becomes a calling not just a task relationships become a calling not just a task relationships are full relationship ships become resilient relationships last you have the story in the tire of the 12 Spies 10 out of 12 ended up being corrupt 10 out of 12 messed up the whole plan because they fear mongered everybody into not wanting to go into erel what happened with these spies what happened Dei hire right wasn't a good higher it was a great hire M handpicked every single one of these people every single one of these people at the time where sadik that's what Rashi tells us MOA P picked great people why did they chicken out I saw this in a letter from the where he explained that these people had a task to do they had a checklist item to do and their checklist item was go check out Isel bring the to Isel and when we have a checklist item to do let's say a a goal and we don't feel we could handle that goal we get we get we become Afra great scary but when we don't have a goal we have a calling when it's not I have to do this it's this is who I am I'm an Inseparable part of Israel I'm an Inseparable part of the Jewish people I'm an Inseparable part of God and hisra the moment we've internalized it we don't get scared as easily we don't get derailed as easily this is true in relationships as well when marriages are just contractual it's it's easy to become derailed but when when relationships have a more Rich have more richness have more fullness they last they're they're they're they last a lot longer in shich was visiting Vienna he had health issues and as the story is written he went to the famous Professor of Vienna anybody any history people here Freud siman Freud he went to Sigman Freud because he needed treatment he wasn't feeling well it it's unclear when a lot of when people tell this story they they assume that he went for psychological treatment it's not necessarily very clear that that was the case I don't think Freud was necessarily practicing psychology at this point Freud was a neurologist but he went to Freud for treatment and Freud was interviewing him asking him what his daily schedule is and a big part of his schedule was learning kasus and teaching SP like Tanya and many others and Freud was Jewish Freud had a very tense relationship with Judaism Freud apparently ran away from yish kite and he he writes how he tried to isolate himself from udus kite really uh he failed at it says I still feel Jewish I don't know what's going on that's what he writes and this he says I can't explain this Psych From the Paradigm of of psychology olog but I feel very Jewish even though I tried running away from it but fre is interviewing him and he finds out that a big part of his schedule is studying Tanya studying teaching and Freud says what is this stuff I've never learned any of this stuff what is it so now he has like a 30 second elevator pitch to give Freud and he tells Freud it's a mechanism by which or a tool if you will by which we can Inspire our hearts to get on board with our minds and Inspire our minds to guide our hearts because the mind is looking for truth the heart is looking for what's comfortable and if what is true becomes comfortable that's a very good thing that's a very whole thing that's a very special relationship right if relationships are true marriage is true but if you feel good about it that's that's that's an amazing thing Freud says impossible the mind and heart are two separate worlds you can't you can't get them on board the tells him there are two separate worlds and somehow we have to bridge them we have to bridge that Gap and if you can't bridge that Gap he says we have to have some sort of telephone wire connection this is in 1904 telephone was invented by Alexander granell in 1890 something I think maybe 80 something it not not too much not too much earlier but theab had told him that we can make that bridge somehow but what is the Tanya's mechanism if we were to study the Tanya properly we would be on a journey toward internalizing relationships internalizing Judaism and internalizing a relationship where we're not just behaviorally engaged we're incredibly emotionally engaged where we we feel connected we don't just act connected which by the way I think this is worth mentioning when the when the author had first written the Tanya before he had written n he wasn't intending on writing a book that wasn't his intention his intention was he was people were going to him for advice you had people in the the the usna and other places that he had lived and they had long black coats and big gray beards and they looked very holy and they felt like fakers on the inside and they're thinking to themselves right this is just human nature right we try we're part of a community we try to look the part but on the inside we often doubt ourselves and if people knew what was going on in my heart if people knew what was going on in my head if people saw what was happening behind closed doors words would they ever respect me and people go to the alter for advice the author of The Tanya for advice to get some sort of to somehow reconcile this inner tension between who they want to be and who they're acting like on the outside and who they feel like on the inside and somehow bridge that Gap bridge the gap between the mind and the Heart it got to the point where there were too many people coming to the altar but he couldn't handle it you had to book an appointment a year in advance and again this is like 2 50 260 70 years ago yet a book an appointment a year in advance and it was too tenuous on the alter the alter said that I I just can't stand what I'm doing at this point in my life I can't handle it and he decided to put it all in a book natanya is essentially effectively a collection of advice teaching people how to reconcile their ideal self and best self with the version of themselves that they experience at this moment how do I become a better version of myself myself and if I can't become a better version of myself how can I at least be on the journey toward becoming a better version of myself this is what the AL is coming to address and the biggest tool that the AL shares in the Tanya is the power of our mind in chapter 12 of Tanya he quotes the famous Z that says right the Mind rules the heart because what we feel in our heart is a product of what we think about feelings are produced by thoughts I'll I'll give you an example if let's say I shared with you good news right but I shared it with you over the phone but there was a bad phone connection and you misheard me and you heard bad news how would you feel right how would you feel you'd feel bad right but then I call you back no no no you misunderstood and you find that that it's good news how would you feel right so what controlled your feelings not the situation but your perception of the situation our perception is incredibly powerful our perception is incredibly powerful on relationships and if we can inspire a deeper sense of perception we can upgrade our relationships our our relationship with God our relationship with people he says and he teaches us how to use our mind and one of the things he teaches us he addresses this in chapter 44 of Tanya where he dressed as somebody trying to develop passion for God and thinking about their love for God and he says what happens when you find that it's just it ain't working I'm thinking about God I'm thinking about my yish I'm thinking about it's an old by the way it's an old tradition in amongst to to I mean it's it's not even a thing it's a obviously PR but I I read recently that the he writes in his in his talks where he's reminiscing about what life was like in the how used to wear their Talis and fill in in a couple minutes before doing to themselves they would sing a nigan and they would get themselves in the mood of daving and they would think about who they're about to pray to and they would get themselves this this feeling of you know in the in the mood in in in the zone in the zone of of connecting with Hashem because the power of the mind is incredible and the AL addresses this type of this prototype who's trying to develop a love for God and it's just not working hardest Stone and here's what he says I'm going to read it inside and I'll translate it he says you have to accustom your tongue and your voice somehow get your mouth on board to awaken what's already in your heart sometimes we have feelings in our heart that we're just not aware of and they they I mean how many Jews after October 7th felt much more Jewish right there was a situation that brought out a pre-existing feeling we can manifacture not manufacture but we can Inspire ourselves to unlock a pre-existing feeling within ourselves to go in depth with our thoughts about the infinite God because he's our father he's our true father he's the source of our life and when you you know the love of a parent to a child or a child to a parent is reflexive if I were to ask you why do you love your child hopefully there wouldn't be like I I would hope you don't give me a reason well because they did this or because they did that right hope once they're teenagers that's what I hear we start coming up with good reasons why we love our children that's what they tell me I don't have any teenagers yet but While We're Young while while while our children are young we we love them unconditionally and hopefully that Unconditional Love Remains and God loves us unconditionally and we can love God unconditionally if we can realize that he is like our father because we have an that literally comes from him to awaken again it's not creating love it's just Awakening of love that's pre-existent like one would have to their parent and here's what he says the more we accustom ourselves to this the more this becomes part of who we are becomes part of our nature the more we integrate within ourselves we have a pre-existing love within our souls and the more we think about it the more we're actually going to experience it and then he says now let's say you try thinking and experiencing this and you feel like okay maybe I maybe I do feel like a passionate Jew inside maybe I do feel that this relationship is Meaningful and then we start doubting ourselves maybe I'm faking maybe I'm only feeling it because I'm telling myself this how do I know it's real and he says even though you might think it's fake she says don't worry about that don't go down that road because I'm telling you it's real you think it's fake but it's real so why would you uh why do you have to start doubting that going down that road it's real The Love is Real the connection is real the Love Has inherent truth to it whether we feel it or not I recently came across a letter that the laba had penned to a young girl who was suffering from loneliness she was going through a hard time she was single and she didn't want to be she was a school teacher and she just felt like socially she's having a really difficult time and in theb where you see a lot of his personal respons to to quite diverse issues the one thing you see in these letters by the way which is very different than the version of the they show on on the vide and they're both valid they both true but he's very blunt with people and sometimes he tells people truths that are not comfortable but that they need to hear and he tells this girl that you understand that God is the creator of the world you understand that God is fully present in this world you believe in you teach this to your students you understand that with that comes responsibility comes a mission and a purpose and with that purpose comes more comfortability with your nsh and with that comes better relationships and more comfortability with other people he says you know what your problem is your nsh knows this you don't know this so he says think about it and he uses the word his light thinking is an interesting term but a little bit of light thinking you don't have to be that rigorous it's things we already know we know that there's hem we know hm is relevant we know hhm is personal we think about it during ding God is one he says think about it for a little bit and allow the value that's true that you're having a hard time feeling allow that to seep into your soul it's in your soul allow it to seep into your mind seep into your heart just think about it I read a story where the somebody walked into the of from the turn of the 20th century and there was a k who was in the middle of daving and in the middle he's closes his eyes going through something he wanted to connect and he says and somebody says to the kater skeptically do he actually believe that God is his t t that God is his father and the kutka says if he carries on like that he will give him some time let him get through that belief he'll get there he'll get there now why is this important that's why is it important to have a full relationship and I want to conclude with this because to to me this is something that that I think really enhanced my life enhanced my productivity as a yid in 1991 the was addressing the annual coming to New York and gathering together and the gave them an address as he did every year and he was talking to them and again he he edited these talks they weren't meant for just it's something that we that is relevant to all of us he was talking about the difference between an evid Hashem and a of servant of hm and an ambassador of hem what's an everm servant of hasm a servant says this is what I need to do and I'm going to do it and if if we if people do that that's a wonderful thing that's a very good thing but he says that's not a doesn't just say I'm going to do it because that's what I'm told to do has an opinion bought in drank the Kool-Aid you know he he really is on fire he's passionate he's invested he's invested in these relationships and he says the outcome of that is bringing mashiah closer because it's a more attractive version of Judaism to connect with people who actually connect to what to what they do to me this is the biggest Paradigm Shift of the T not just doing Judaism but a mechanism that teaches us how to become Judaism how to become the how to become one with our relationship with Hashem okay that's my story and I'm sticking to it