"My Wife Says She Loves Me... Why Do I Feel Rejected?"

Today's email comes from David in New Jersey. Dear Rabbi Josh, my wife and I have been married for over 17 years and from the outside things probably look fine. We don't fight much. We parent well together. We handle our responsibilities. But if I'm being completely honest, I don't feel wanted anymore. Sorry, man. She says she loves me, but I can't remember the last time I felt like she actually wanted to be close to me, especially physically. Most of the time it feels like she's just going through the motions. I've tried telling myself this is normal after being married for a long time. We're just used to each other. But lately I've been wondering if I'm fooling myself. How do you know the difference between a marriage that's comfortable and a marriage that's slowly drifting. David, New Jersey. It's a good question. David, thank you for writing. That's not easy and that's that's very vulnerable of you. How do you know the difference between a marriage that's comfortable and a marriage that feels like it's drifting apart. I think that's the wrong question, David. I'll be honest with you. You're trying to identify when things don't work so you could identify that properly. And what you really want to learn to identify, David, is the version of yourself that your wife still does appreciate. Like think about the times when you communicate best. Even if you don't communicate well, but think about the times that your communication is most meaningful. Think about the times where you do laugh together even if it's not often. And think about the times where you do feel more comfortable together, where you do feel more wanted. Try to find that moment. Maybe it was a while ago, but think about that moment where you felt more desired. How do you know you felt more desired? What was going on that was different? And most importantly, when you did feel more desired by your wife, even if it's been a long time, what was different about you? What was going on in you that positioned yourself to be the version of David that your wife desired. Now, the truth is it takes two to tango and there's a lot here I don't know. I don't know your wife, I don't know her situation, I don't know if there's medical concerns or hormonal concerns. So, the caveat here is I'm I'm addressing you as an individual because you an individual are writing to me. And what you could do, it's hard to change somebody else, but what you could do is learn about the version of you, the version of David, that your wife is more interested in. Think about that time where you felt most connected, where you felt more desired. You felt that she was more interested in you, even if it was short-lived. What did that do for you? What was different about you? Did you feel lighter? Did you feel more comfortable? Were you more proactive in the relationship? There was something different about you when she did like you. And then if you discover what that is, you can recreate that experience. So, imagine like after listening to this, you shut off the computer or your device or your phone, and somehow you became closer to that version of you that she liked. That version of you that was more inviting to her. That version of you that she creates more space for. What is the first thing she would notice in you that you'd be proud of her to see? How do you know she would like that version of you? What would that version of you do differently that would be pleasing to her? What I'm really getting at here, David, is focus less on assessing where your marriage is at, am I fooling myself or is it actually falling apart? Focus less on that and focus more on who you actually need to be in a way that makes your wife more comfortable. Because how do you think she's going to respond to that version of you? David, I wish you much hatslacha, good luck, and if I could be of more help, feel free to reach out.