How to Stop Your Bias From Killing Love [Vayeshev]

Okay friends, the story begins parasv where we learn a lot about relationships. [snorts] We learn some dos and don'ts from Yseph and his interactions with his brothers. But more importantly, there's a more fundamental message here, not just of what to do or what not to do or how to act and how not to act in a relationship in any relationship, but there's a more fundamental internal identity that's taking place here. Um, more specifically, what we see in this Torah portion is how we could be so blinded by our feelings, by our biasness. And that's um it's actually a timely message because tonight we're celebrating tonight and tomorrow we're celebrating the 19th 20th of Kislave. One of the things notable about this day is the publication of the Tanya of which a core message of the Tanya. Um a a core perspective that the Tanya sheds light on is how to guide our feelings rather than being blinded by them. In Tanya lingo, it's being um in control to the degree that we can of our animal soul. rather than our animal soul being in control of us. But what that translates to in the Tanya and the author gets into this in depth is being empowered to be intentional to guide our heart rather than just be blinded by our heart. Yseph was very good at that. His brothers, not so much. Let's take a step back. Let's let's just dive into the story for a second. At this point, Yakov had returned from Love's home. He had established himself back in the land of Israel. And the brothers are growing up. Ysef at this point is 17 years old. And the brothers see that Yakov is favoring Yseph. He's teaching more Torah to him, giving him more attention. He gives him the famous colorful dream coat and Rashi says that's a sign of leadership. He believed that Yseph was going to be the leader of all the brothers. And the Torah says that they hated Yseph. They were um there's another reason why they hated Yseph. The Torah says that Yseph spoke badly about them to the father. Now the commentaries in the midrashim explain that Ysef wasn't trying to actually speak gossip of the brothers. It was miscommunication. It was misunderstanding. What he saw from his perspective um was not actually what was happening and he was trying to get them to a better space. They didn't need to be put in a better space. They were fine. The details are are going to be beyond the scope of what we're talking about right now. uh point being being the favorite child, thinking that they were being um gossiped about by his by their brother. These were all reasons why they hated Ysef. So what is By the way, it's not just being the favorite child. It's it's being um the f Yakov showing that Yseph's going to be a leader over them through that dream coat. through that colorful coat. So what does Yseph do? Yseph has a brilliant idea. Yseph had a dream, right? The dream, he had two dreams. The first dream was the 12 sheets of wheat corresponding to the 12 brothers bowing down to Yseph's sheath of wheat, right? And Yseph tells his brothers, "Guys, I had a dream. You'll never believe it. You guys were a bunch of wheat and your wheat bow down to my wheat. What is he trying to accomplish here? What was their reaction to that? They hated him even more. Well, how did you possibly think that was a good idea? [laughter] Why would you say that? You know they don't like you. You know they think that you're a gossiper upon them against them. You know that they're jealous of of you and that they hate you. You have this dream. Why would you say that? You don't have to say everything that happens in life. Not everything like like talk about oversharing, man. You know, like why are you doing that? The brother's reaction was [snorts] the brother said to him, "Are you going to dominate over us? Are you going to rule over us? They hated him even more. Then the next night, Yseph has a second dream. This time there's the 11 stars, the sun, and the moon all bowing down to Yseph. Um, it didn't work the first time. Not sure why you did it the first time, but it didn't work. Whatever you were trying to do, certainly didn't work the second time. And you know what Yseph thinks? Maybe third time's a charm. He goes to the father and starts telling the father the dreams in front of the brothers and now they hate him even more. Even Yakov thought this is ridiculous. Yseph, why are you doing this? Yakov chastises him in his heart of hearts. He wants the dreams to come true but he chastises them him in front of the brothers saying why would you say this in front of your brothers? So what is Yseph trying thinking here? What is the thought process here? What is the plan? He knows the brothers hate him. Why is he provoking them? The commentary known as the sporome points out that Yseph is referred to in the Torah as a lad. He is a 17-year-old. Maybe he's just not mature yet. We know Yseph as the righteous Joseph, the leader of the Tadic. Maybe that's just not where he was yet. Maybe he was just immature. He was 17. Rashi would reject that answer even though Rashi predated this foro. But why would Rashi reject that answer? If Rashi and Soner were theoretically having a conversation, why would Rashi reject that answer? Because in Rashi's commentary, he comments when the Torah says Yseph was the Ben Zakunim, he was a child of Yakov's old age. And Rashi says, "What does that mean?" Means two things. Number one, he was born as one of the later children, the second to last child. Yakob was much older than than when his uh brother when his brothers were born. But it means something else. It means he learned all the wisdom Yakov had accumulated in the yeshiva of Sheaman A from Yakov. Yakov taught that all to him before Yakov had gone to Lavan's house. He made a pit stop for 14 years and studied the yeshiva of Shame. Shame was the child of Noah who had a tradition of Torah study. A was the grandchild of Noah who had a tradition of Torah study. And they had yeshiva. Yakov had learned a lot of wisdom from there. And he had transmitted that to Yseph. So Yseph is this 17-year-old, but somehow at the age of 17, he's accumulating and maybe even mastering much of what it took 14 years to learn. That's what Rashi says based on midrashim which tells us he is no immature fool. He ain't brainless. He's wise. Okay. Well, where lies the wisdom in what seems like unnecessary provoking? Provocation. I don't know. Provoking. Provction. Provocity. Help me out here, guys. [laughter] >> Provocation. >> Provocation. Okay, there we go. [snorts] Right. Where where lies the wisdom in what seems like unnecessary provocation? The Abarbanel points out something interesting. Um, when you first read this Abarbanel's commentary, it it's almost unbelievable and hard to understand. But if we think about it, if we analyze the text and if we look at it in a historical context, it actually makes a lot of sense and it makes the whole story come together. Theel writes that Yseph knew very well that the brothers hated him. Yseph was wise. Yseph was not immature. He was actually very mature. He said, "They're showing me hate. I want to show them love. Kill them with kindness." Right? That's a very mature thing to do. Um I I can't say I'd be that mature. [laughter] I'll show you, right? That I mean that's the that that's what we do. That that's like human nature. Y was very wise, was very mature. He understood that his brothers hated him. He understood that there was misunderstandings. And rather than being defensive, rather than reciprocating with hate, he decided to reciprocate with love. And there were many instances where he tried reciprocating with love. One of which is later when he had gone to check up on his brothers, which that didn't turn out very well. One way of reciprocating with love is to be vulnerable, to be honest, to share about yourself. He wanted to share about his dreams. But it was a very innocent act. It wasn't an act of provocation. It was just innocent sharing. Now, where lies the innocence in sharing a dream like this? A dream that seems to imply dominance, which is what the brothers were already angry about. Where lies the wisdom in that? So, here's what I had recently read in a in a teaching of he says, "Well, let's take a look. Let's take a step back for a second. Let's understand dreams and their interpretations from a historical context. When else do we have dreams at this point in history in the Torah? There's other dreams in the Torah, many involving Yseph. There's dreams later on that require interpretation, specific interpretation. There's the dreams of the butler and bread maker. There's the dreams of Pyro, but that's later on in history. There's the dreams of Khanar that Daniel interpreted interprets. That's much later in history. At this point in history, which dreams took place? Because Yseph was looking at dreams from a very historic from a a space of history from a historical context. Well, Yakov had the dream just a two gener just a generation earlier. What was Yakov's dream? He went to sleep. There was the ladder. There was the angels going down. There was the angels going up. God told him, "Don't be afraid. You're going to be solid. You're going to be great." Any interpretation necessary in that dream were pretty straightforward. Pretty straightforward, right? Angels are going to protect you. The angels of Israel, the angels of of outside of Israel. Okay. What other dreams took place historically at this point? Well, Abraham had a dream. It got dark. He went into this deep slumber. God told him of the future exiles that are going to take place in a dream. Egyptian exile specifically. I mean, it didn't say Egypt, but it referenced Egypt. Before I give you before I give you our children, this land they're going to be enslaved in a nation, in a land that does not belong to them. It was a pretty straightforward dream. Parro had a dream. Avi had a dream when they had abducted Sarai and they were told to give Sar back. In any of the dreams prior to Yseph's throughout history, was any interpretation necessary or any deep interpretation necessary? And the answer is no. They were straightforward. So when Yseph had his dream, there are 12 sheets of wheat or 11 she 11 or 12. No, I'm confused. It actually doesn't say we were all probably 11. We were all sheav of wheat standing around and your sheets of wheat bowed down to my sheets of wheat. Yseph was innocently thinking, no interpretation necessary. He was actually trying to make them feel good. Guys, I know my father gave me the dream code. I know my father favors me and I know that upsets you. I'm not there's nothing that special about me. If anything, the best you could say about me is my wheat is going to be better than yours. Yo took it for face value and thought that that would calm them down. Oh, the reaction he was expecting was like, "Oh, so you're not going to be a a king over us. You're not trying to rule us. You're not trying to dominate us. You're not trying to be the patriarch of Judaism." No. Although my father sees me that way, it's really just maybe I'll be more wealthy than you. I don't know. I'll have more wheat than you. I have better wheat than you. Your wheat's bowing down to mine. Because up until that point in history, there was no other interpretation into dreams. Like where would you even get that idea that a dream should be interpreted? Like why would you think a dream meant something? It was always taken for face value up until this point in history. The brother's reaction was an interpretation. The brother's reaction, does this mean you're going to try to dominate and rule us? The brothers hated him so much that without even realizing it, they totally missed Ysef's point and interpreted the dream for him without even realizing it. They were so biased that they just couldn't see Yoseph's simple point and actually created a reality that was much um much bigger than it originally was necess or at least than Ysef thought it was meant to be. The the general rule guys with with dreams is that the so the Talmud tells us a story about dream interpretation. The Talmud interact the last chapter says that there was a famous dream interpreter in the Talmudic ages named Barya. Baredya had this rule. If you paid him, you'd get a good interpretation, a beneficial interpretation. And if you didn't pay him, you'd get a detrimental interpretation. And I don't know if he told people that necessarily, but people who knew I should pay this guy walked out wealthy. And people who didn't pay Baradya would get bad interpretations. And the Talmud says that Abay was one of those guys who would pay Baradya when he had a bad when he had a dream and would get a good interpretation even if it was a bad dream. And and there's examples of rabbis having dreams of their legs being chopped off and Bara interpreting it as that they're not going to need to walk anymore because they're going to get a new horse. And they're going to get a new horse because they're going to hit wealth. Um their arms being chopped off like a that's a bad dream. You're not going to have to work anymore. You're going to have more servants. Abay lived a very luxurious and and um blissful at least materially speaking blissful life because he had paid his dream interpreter. Bareda was not paid by Rava and Rava suffered tremendously. He had lost children. He had lost spouses. People had died. There was pain. There was sickness. There was illness. It was bad. One day, Reva and Baredy are together on a ship traveling somewhere and it's particularly windy. It's a stormy night and a wind comes and blows Bara's dream interpretation manual or notes or whatever it was out of his pocket. Reva picks it up. It was a book called Dream Interpretation for Dummies. It was like a yellow book. No, I'm kidding. Um, Rava picks it up, looks at it, and he reads one sentence. It all is based on how you speak about it. Dreams are interpreted based on how you talk about them. It was that simple. Reva realized that his interpretations were rigged by the way somebody spoke about his dreams. He was furious. Needless to say, he was furious at Barya. Bareda ruined his life. He had cursed Barya. And there's more to the story, but the point is that the brother's anger shaped the way they spoke and interpreted and understood Yseph's dream. That shaped reality. Yseph was trying to be peaceful. He took his dream for face value. Guys, I'm not better than you. My weakness is better than you. They didn't buy it. They were just too biased. There was just too much hatred. They were too emotional. They weren't giving him a chance. He tries a second time with another dream. Guys, I'm not better than you. I might be better than your star. Maybe on some cosmic level. I'm better than you, but I'm not better than you. doesn't work. He tries a third time going to the father to Yakov saying a simple dream hoping that his father will understand the simplicity of it relay to the brothers and the father also sees right through it and says Yseph why are you doing this in front of your brothers man but Yseph was saw things quite simply it was clear-cut he didn't see himself as great or as better and he was trying to relay that to them to create peace. What what I see here are several lessons. Number one, when it comes to human interactions, when it comes to relationships, sometimes they can be tense. Sometimes they could be frustrating. But we don't always know the full story. Sometimes we think we know the full story and we start reading into it. We start interpreting it like those brothers. We start creating real realities that weren't meant to be there necessarily when somebody else was just reaching out to create peace. There's a mitzvah in the Torah. You have a mitzvah to rebuke people. It's kind of a funny thing. like you have a mitzvah to tell people they're doing something wrong. And the way the commentaries explain it is that you're not supposed to hold you're not supposed to bottle in your your frustration with somebody. And there's two there's several reasons. One of the basic reason is give them an opportunity to repent. Give them an opportunity to to Yeshua to to reconcile. But another reason is if you actually talk it out, you might realize that you're wrong. that your anger is unfounded or not founded on logic, not justified. Maybe there's a bigger part of the story. Maybe there's a bigger reality here. And I think that's the second lesson as well. The brothers looked at Yseph and they didn't see Yseph for who he was. They saw Yseph for how he or the circumstances he was placed in angered them. He didn't get to see him. They didn't get to see him. Ysef, the Torah says that regarding the brothers. I'll read [snorts] it in the Hebrew and then translate um shalom. They were not able to speak to him peacefully. or speak about him about Ysef peacefully which Rashi says that that's kind of a praise also even though it's it it's not the best quality of the brothers they couldn't speak peacefully about his brother there's something positive there they were genuine they weren't going to lie they weren't going to smile and say we love our brother even though they didn't [snorts] but at the end of the day they couldn't speak peacefully about Ysef well why not Yseph is a peaceful and he's trying to make peace with his brothers who hate him. Why couldn't they see that? So the say one of the commenters explains they couldn't speak about him shalom peacefully. What does shalom also mean wholesomely? They couldn't see the full Ysef. They saw the version of Yseph that upset them, but they didn't see the full Yoseph. They didn't see the entire Yoseph. It says in aos ethics of our fathers, you should judge all people on the side of favor of merit. This fas explains that if you translate it literally the sentence becomes a lot more meaningful and and and um the intent is much is much stronger is it doesn't say judge all people the whole person favorably judge the whole favor person favorably because what we see is how people affect us but what if we could shut our bias down just for a second it's going to come back that's fine shut down for a second just to see who this person is objectively. Appreciate who they are for who they are, not just for how they impact us. I mean, you need a little bit of a of a soul to do that, to see somebody else's soul. Like we know from chapter 32 of Tanya. Ysef tried, but that's where the brothers fell short. They didn't see the full version of Yseph. They saw the version of Ysef that they were emotionally impacted by. And um just to connect back to Yudas, the 19th of one of the things we learn in is the power to to guide our feelings rather than to be fully blinded by them. Like the zar says in the quotes this in chapter 12 of that the mind dominates the heart rather than just getting filtered by the heart. And the example he gives actually is Yseph's response to when he had finally met his brothers in several Torah portions from now. He finally unmasked himself as the viceroy of of Egypt revealed his true identity. The brothers were scared with us and he said, "Guys, it's fine. I'm here with you. you. I'm here to save you. This was all part of God's purpose. He wasn't masked or filtered or or or or um clouded by the emotional frustration because he saw that there is a deeper sense of reality, a deeper sense of truth. Okay, that's my story. I'm sticking to it.