How to Avoid Burnout in Marriage | Chassidus Explained

If you want to avoid burnout in marriage, listen to this teaching. When people are going through a difficult time in marriage, they're often advised to just give more, just do more, just show up more. And that could be harmful advice because although marriage is a giving and receiving dynamic, ma the the masculine role is to give. And that's true biologically, physiologically, spiritually, emotionally, financially, what have you. The feminine role is receiving. So if it's not working, just do more. Just give more. That could backfire. And here's the reason why. Giving is an unnatural thing. It's unnatural to give or to give effectively. I should say it's natural to want to give ineffectively because if you just give ineffectively, which means you just give without discernment, you give without discretion, you don't take into consideration the receiver. And if you're not taking into consideration the receiver, the recipient, which means the husband is giving, but he doesn't really give what his wife needs or wants, he's not really giving. He's just being selfish. So the advice of just give more could be very um could backfire and could potentially be potentially be harmful advice. I I'll give you an example. A teacher is a giver. The teacher gives gives information gives values. But let's say a teacher gets up and says I want to be more effective. I'll teach more. And gets up and just in front of the whole class says everything he knows about anything. Nobody's going to know what the teacher's talking about. Nobody's going to care and nobody's going to take that teacher seriously because he's no longer thinking about the recipient. He's just thinking about giving. Think of a chef who says, "I'm going to cook everything. What do you specialize in? Like what's your thing?" And did you think of like asking me like what I want? So in order to give effectively, it's not just about giving more. It's giving properly. It's giving with intent. It's giving with discretion. It's deciding what you should say and what you shouldn't say. What's appropriate? What's inappropriate? What's desired? What's what isn't desired. And the risk here is that could also lead to burnout. Giving too much is ineffective. It's not received. You burn out. Giving in a very intentional way is exhausting. Suck it could suck the life out of you. So how is it supposed to be effective? Where does the relationship come in? How is there continuity to the relationship? So the Reb actually addresses this ina and he explains in his mimer there that in order to give effectively it's not enough just to have discretion and just to be intentional. There's another component that's necessary which is pleasure. There has to be enjoyment. If you don't actually enjoy giving, you're not going to continue to give. And when there is enjoyment, so now everything kind of just lines up. There's connection between the mashpa and the makabel, between the rece between the giver, the husband, and the recipient. And when that connection and that connection flourishes when there's oig when there's pleasure and when there's pleasure there's completion and when I have pleasure and completion in my life I'm okay with having to suppress a part of myself to condense a part of myself to say okay this is worth giving this is the version of me that is worth showing up in that way this is a version of me that is less worth showing showing going up that way and I'm okay with suppressing myself because that's pleasurable. It's enjoyable. It's wellreceived. And when it's wellreceived, there is completion.