How I approach sensitive relationship problems

a couple is having a very difficult time in their marriage and there's fighting and there's dysfunction and a lot of various issues and it gets to the point where the wife is threatening to not go to the Mikvah she doesn't want to go to the Mikvah which obviously has incredible implications on this relationship it's going to have incredible implications on how she connects to her spouse it's going to have incredible implications on how her husband thinks of her and it's it's obviously ly a very sensitive issue and a very difficult issue so there are obviously halakic implications and halic issues and considerations that need to uh be taken into consideration from a relational perspective what is the most effective approach I'll tell you what I used to think and I don't do this anymore and you'll soon see why what I used to think is you got to figure out what the root of the problem is what's really bothering or why does she really not want to go to the Mikvah and if you could somehow get to the root of the problem you could somehow provide a solution to the problem it's risky the reason why it's risky is because you never really know what the root of the problem is problems are multi-layered and if if you're trained in addictions you might see this as an addiction problem you might start looking for that for that problem if you're trained in cognitive behavioral therapy for example again these things work but you might see this as a cognitive distortion she you might have some sort of um incorrect perception of the relationship and you could try to change that um it might be a medical issue it might be a biological issue it might be a relational issue it could be a spiritual issue and by the way doesn't have to be any one of these it could be multiple issues issues are multi-layered and when you're trying to diagnose the issue and then solve the issue you may have diagnosed one issue correctly and now you've solved that issue but you may not have gotten to the other issues so I Veer away from trying to figure out what the issue is not because the issue is not important not because the issue isn't painful but because there is a more efficient way of doing this I I had a mentor in counseling and he used to say don't believe your clients believe in your clients and in this case when she says I'm not going to the Mikvah she wants something different she wants a change her life aspiration isn't not going to the Mikvah that's not what she wants to accomplish that's a means to an end that is the mechanism she had chosen to accomplish some sort of change I'm not saying it's a healthy or kosher mechanism or good mechanism but it's a mechanism that she had chosen to accomplish something what is that thing she actually wants to accomplish asking questions like let's say you didn't go to the Mikvah what difference would that make in your life what would that do for you and getting to the bottom of not why she's not go to the Mikvah but getting to the bottom of what she really wants is an incredibly revelatory experience for her and her husband and when they have that Clarity they now have the ability to choose more kosher and healthy Pathways toward getting that solution a more healthy and Kure pathway other than not going to the Mikvah they'll see other options they'll see hope and when you have hope you have healing putting the Spotlight on what she truly wants rather than on what is truly bothering her actually empowers her to find more healthy Pathways I'll give you another example where where I think this is really applicable I've heard many rabbis and therapists and and even clients saying we need to work on communication because they're fighting um first of all there's no research this is ironic but there's no research that shows that communication is actually helpful for a marriage there's plenty of marriages that have bad communication and they're very happy and they Thrive and there's plenty of marriages that have wonderful communication and they fail like like Rabbi Manis fredman says if your if your communication's too good your insults become too articulate communication is again the same thing as I'm not going to the MVA it's a pathway it's a pathway to accomplish something whether it be intimacy whether it be connection whether it be peace whether it be feeling hurt whatever it is it's a pathway to accomplish something so asking questions like if you had better communication what would that do for you getting in depth into what they really want is a revelatory experience that creates hope that creates healing and honestly creates Direction and it's incredibly efficient this is very much a umt approach it's a approach you're not getting sucked into the weeds of the darkness and again there are approaches that do that and they are proven to be effective but this is much more efficient it's a lot more of a approach where you're just getting to the core of what they actually want rather than weeding through the issues that are obstructing them from what they want if you have any questions feel free to reach out I'm here to help you guys that's my story and I'm sticking to it