Rabbi Jonathan Rietti - Dating with Purpose

[Music] and special thank you also to moshe haim for mira for sponsoring tonight it should be also had to find your true civil game the color of our men that I am Bob hunter Andrew Knight and him a lump charcoal in the abattoir oh thank you if I could trouble you to Connie turn your cellphone's on to vibrate out of respect to those who are trying to fall asleep so we're here to talk about dating with purpose there's a an organization called envy hoc FM they do weekends for singles and I was speaking for their weekend a while ago in the hotel Friday night they asked me to talk about the list what should be on your list there are about 48 young ladies on one side of the room 48 young men on the other side of the room they were in 3 rows facing each other I'm standing in the middle speaking to the two sides of the audience and I asked them you know everyone knows what they're looking for we're all looking for the exact same things there might be slight differences in priority but the list is almost identical so I asked them you know I don't need to tell you what's in this tell me what's on your list what are you looking for in your husband what are you looking for in a future wife any suggestions or do you want me to do all the talking what should be on your list what is on your list okay you're watching mine click character traits growth-oriented do you want to add happy or that's not you don't need it okay personality what do you want anything you want to say specific about personality about me dot caring caring sensitive giving generous hearted selfless okay they're willing to give up themselves responsible that's a biggie trustworthy honest sorry nice Pleasant faithful patient trustworthy loyal you got a quite a serious list here how about financially responsible which is more important to have a lot of money or to have financial principles that one follows that are responsible use of money which of the two is a closer guarantee that a person will maintain their wealth lots of money to start with or they follow principles of financial responsibility for example spending less than they earn one concept sounds like a he douche invest the difference in your own future so you already know what's on the listing you can carry on I'm healthy do you think that should be on the list yeah what type of health emotional health physical health we cannot we can define what that means so imagine now for a moment that you go on a date and you've got this latest app and on it has all the items you're looking for in a future husband in a future wife and it has a rating next to each item that you're looking for nice Pleasant kind generous responsible trustworthy good MoDOT you out your mind everything that you mentioned and anything else that you may want to add you have already put into this app and now there's a waiting for each one and during the date every time the the young lady a young man turns around or or asks for a drink or goes to the bathroom you quickly put in your rating of this young lady or this young man and the rating is zero to ten zero means they've scored nothing it's the lowest score ten is the highest and it might be some way in between did you follow the what's going on so far so now listen very carefully because this is not complicated that's why you have to listen it's very simple let's say that the person you just met is scoring ten out of ten for every item you are looking for would you say my Brooke must our table would you get engaged yes or no no not necessarily or what's missing what's missing okay so write down consistency is one of the things you're looking for and go on a few more dates and you start noticing hey she's consistent he's consistent and whatever areas are looking for that consistency and now you score them an eight nine and then it's a ten will use will you get married now yes or no and what's the reason chemistry so add chemistry to your app the items I would have I would expect many of you might have added that already and go on another date and sure enough it clicks you her so you really the chemistry is really excellent and you score ten out of ten for her him for you and are you ready to get married yes or no okay we've got a few years didn't sound like more than three or four ladies know what's missing what so tell me what is missing you need to know how he is like I don't know what the word is so add values and if you want to add anything as a you can press the word values on your app and it will give you a list of the type of values you're looking for and you'll give him a rating so wherever the values are you can come up with your own definition or description of what are the values let's say family values that might be something you're looking for and sure enough he invites you to his home she invites you to her home and you meet the parents you meet siblings and you're extremely impressed by the way they get along with their brothers and sisters that covered the respect they seem to intrinsically have for the parents so you you check off values 10 out of 10 are you ready to get married yes or no know what's what's holding you back okay there might be someone better so if you add that to your app how if you keep that one on your app how long will it take till you get married it will never happen because there's not someone who's better so have I sabotage myself okay so do you want that on your app no okay so you're going to take that off okay fine let's get back to what else what else do you would you would hold you back from saying Mazel Tov you've got everything's 10 out of 10 not 9 not 8 which is still very high score you are blown away let's say you're not really sure you're still wondering you know what how do I know this is maybe it's just me I'm falling in love with the guy I'm falling in love with this young lady how do I know and so you do your due diligence you start you hire a private detective and they actually do forensic they are they are really thorough I mean they checked out the preschool assistant and they even went they even went to your therapist and they found out that your previous gilgul and your was also really a good carrot and there's nothing missing everything is 10 out of 10 on everything you're looking for would you get married yes or no oh good ok good is there any any on that meant on the on this side are you ready to get married yes or no I didn't I heard about five people what's the reason what's missing so let's say that you're scoring you're scoring ten out of ten so let's sit now I thought let's go back now you're scoring 10 out of 10 for her and unbeknownst to you he did not know this she's got the same app you have and she's filling in all the items that she's looking for in a husband and you are scoring 10 out of 10 on everything that she's looking for can you say my Brooke mazelTov yes or no no because because it may be a temporary whether she was or he was once and after the nari so how could I ever know so let's say you decide you're going to date for a few more weeks or few more months and all that happens is that it gets stronger and stronger and everybody you meet who knows this young lady and everybody who this young lady meets who knows you is telling you ten out of ten on everything that you're looking for you ask what would you say about family values or values in general what would you say about respect about being nice and pleasant and they say oh I would school number 10 or I would school under 10 and so this tell them everything will you get married yes or no okay I'm just going to be very candid with you if you said no then you will never know what you're looking for because I've made this so simple this is ridiculously simple here you have a list that you're making up of everything you're looking for and I'm giving you a way to evaluate a score if you're scoring 10 out of 10 on everything and you're still not saying yes then you have to answer the next question what's missing for you go out again check that out give them a score and I'm asking you in theory if that lady that young man scores 10 out of 10 on everything would you agree to get married yes or no and if the answer is still no then identify for yourself well what's missing if it's because well this might be Tamara temporary so how would you ever know that your job is final how do you know you're gonna wake up tomorrow morning how do you know you're gonna get killed possible shot on by a bus so the things you can't know you can't control you don't know the future but everything you've got in front of you 10 out of 10 on everything you're looking for why would you say no and if you're saying no then I sorry because have to be enough that it's like pretty much not so so so according to your app the way you would set it up is that you you don't want 10 out of 10 on everything you want about 9 out of this room for growth so go for all the things that you feel that you need some room for growth for and you and he scores 9 out of 10 would you now get married yes or no okay okay good I asked I'm talking here about a group who were between 20 and 35 there were 98 people in the earth 96 people in the audience forty-eight young ladies 48 young men and I asked him the final question would you get married yes or no so most of them said yes and when I anyone who said no I would ask them to just identify what's missing for you add it to your app go out again do more due diligence and find out what you think they would score for and if you get a 10 would you now get married yes or no do you fall it's a very simple logic this is not complicated you follow the logic here here's the last question I asked the audience my book mazelTov you got married just because you score 10 out of 10 on everything you're looking for and you went on as many dates as is needed for you to feel secure certain that they really have everything you're looking for and they've got anything they're looking for in you does that equal a happy marriage yes or no excellent why not get the logic you scored 10 out of 10 she scored 10 out of 10 on everything you're both looking for why wouldn't that equal a happy marriage why doesn't that guarantee a happy marriage get the logics very powerful very simple anyone who wants to guess what's the logic yes sir at the back excellent because circumstances changed therefore what excellent what you're looking for might change in what sense excellent let me share with you three true stories young man meets young woman they date and he falls in love with her this is what impressed him the most true story I'm not I'm going to try not give you too much detail this is a young lady she owned her own company with her not many but a few quite a few employees she's in her early twenties and what really impressed him it was was the following she was abused terribly by her father in her youth she left home at 13 she has not seen her father in the past ten years she's 23 years old she was terribly abused by him and this young lady made a life for herself she's very happy boisterous outgoing she built her own small company with a number of employees and he was extremely impressed by her resilience she got such strong inner strength that despite her past she didn't become a victim and Oh pity me she made a life worse if she moved forward he was so impressed by that more than anything else about her personality he set himself Wow if she can bounce back like this she's gonna be such a strong wife such a strong mother I want her to be my wife and the mother of my children Mazel Tov they got married less than a year into the marriage her father who she he did not even turn up to the wedding he was not invited she had not seen for over 10 years her father passed away she fell into depression true story why did she fall into depression he was shocked and not really came out was the following she had no idea that deep down she was hoping that one day her father would sincerely apologize for his horrible behavior towards her and in that there might be some healing and she never realized that that's what she was hoping for till he passed away and now that he's dead there's never going to be the opportunity for him to say sorry she fell into a depression could he or she have possibly have known that that would come up that would surface in their lives you see you could check off everything you're looking for but you can't guarantee what will happen in the future that you and your husband your wife have never experienced before and now for the first time you're going to be responding to a situation that's brand-new so there's no reference there's no frame of reference in the past that tells you how they're going to respond second story true story man marries lady there one item that she was most attracted to was security she she what mattered the most her was financial security that was very important he had been in his job for 15 years and earned an extremely good salary one year into the marriage the company downsizes but he's still of sufficient value he's still in the company two years later they're married now three years the company downsizes again and he's out of a job peace expectation for a starting salary is so high that is not finding it easy to get another job in that particular industry with his skill set and she is falling apart why because she one of the things she married him for was financial security could she have possibly have known that this could happen good evening not necessarily so what's going to matter the most who you marry or who you are in response to the differences that will come up third example you got the point here let me illustrate this a little bit stronger third example man marries young lady this is a very close friend of mine I have to be very careful not to give too much information here one of the things that really was that the clincher to want to marry this young lady was a Shabbat afternoon they went to visit a family that she often helps with the children it's not her family it's just a friend and he was so impressed how the children gravitated to her and she was so good with the kids they loved time with her listening to a story the way she told her stories her interaction with the children was the clincher that made it final for him he Wheaton wants to marry this young lady he knows she's going to be the most amazing mother true story first pregnancy she falls into depression after the child is born and she has a hard time feeding the child and because the child is having a hard time feeding from his mother she starts to reject the child she falls into a depression because she feels rejected by the kid who's not feeding from her this is not extremely uncommon but here's the point she didn't want to have any more children for a good number of years and here he is saying to himself I'm so confused you're so good with kids you love kids they love you what's happened over here the simple thing I bring out here is not fear of the future when I bring out is a simple reality who you marry is never who you marry who you marry is who you think they are and the person you're married to is not their body you marry to their body as well but the person you're married to of the two body or mind who are you really marrying geographically your body is in the same house same home but the person you're really marrying is sharing of minds do you follow what I'm saying are you the same person today as you were let's say two years ago five years ago yes or no no nobody in the room here today would say I'm the same person today as I was five years ago you have all matured in different ways true or false we all do we have grown in different ways upstairs up down but we've all changed is that true or false so listen very carefully whoever you marry it's not gonna be the same person you're married to five years down the line and nor will you be the same person I don't mean that God forbid a divorce I mean that people change and we change based on lots of variables so the point I bring out is very simple I was in crutches that lava forms a hotel it's no longer in existence used to be in the Catskills and for a Hollywood pizza I was sent there by gateways to give a lecture on I think it was on happiness but there were 400 people in the audience I think the average age was about a hundred and and 406 there was one lady there 103 they asked her what's special about your age she said no peer pressure so truthfully the average age in the ordinance house it was about 75 to 85 and it's 400 people so I pretend that it was 50 years average age ladies very happy with that so I say no what's 400 people in this room times 50 you can take a vote if you like 20,000 excellent 10 points for gryffindor that was very fast so I said you know here's your 50 years your fifties your 50 or 50 or 50 or 50 or 15 go around 400 times 50 is 20,000 there are 20,000 years of accumulative life experience in that room so I ask them can you please tell me the answer to the following question I'm going to offer you two possible answers the people that audience who have married decades and decades and decades one one Jedi married 63 years so I want you to know marriage is not a word it's a sentence I'm glad none of you got that that's amazing I'm really impressed okay so he was pure humor no reflection on reality whatsoever so these these are people some have been through Second World War they've seen life they've seen almost everything you can possibly read in the newspapers they've seen experience that so I asked in the following what will make two people happy in a marriage listen very carefully because the question is very simple will it be how similar we've become over the years and less different and that will make us more more happy option one option two not how similar we become over the years and decades and less different but rather how well we deal with the differences how well we respond to situations that will surface come up that we had no idea you've got your style of parenting and you've got your style of parenting you think that this is the better way to parent this particular personality of this child and that your husband or your wife thinks differently how do you handle that you see it's not the differences it's not how no different or less different that's gonna make two people able to be married and happily married it's how well we get along with the differences I asked this to an audience of 20 thousand years of a cumulative life experience and I asked them how many of you will tell me happiness in marriage is number one how similar you get your husband to be like you how hard you try to get your wife to be like you and think like you and look at life like you and family and raising children and finances or is that not realistic how many people said it's number one and the answer is zero not one person in the audience and you're talking about an extremely mature audience they will agreed it's number two to two people to get along it's not how similar and less different we are it's how well we get along with the differences how will I be respectful or not when a difference comes between us how will we discuss a not easy member of the family your mother-in-law how do you talk about her how do you with respect or without respect how are you gonna talk about the community the neighbor the thing that you just went to through today with a carpool and insensitive where you were spoken to in the grocery store where you've done so many favors for the boss how could they treat you that way and your husband is not as sympathetic as you will feel he ought to be how do you deal with that difference is what's going to make two people be able to get along it's not the differences it's never the differences people don't get divorced because of the differences they get divorced because they can't handle the differences or think they can't handle the differences it's not who you marry that's important here that's the answer because you don't control the other person ever the only person you control is yourself so the question is how confident are you entering marriage saying I I'm going to do everything I can to be loving respectful giving listening even when there are differences let me give you an example you've all heard of the Hafetz Hayyim he came back from yeshiva it was a turning almost 17 years old his mother had remarried her first husband had passed away and you're talking about the mid 1800s it was very hard for an unmanned ax for a widow to find another husband usually they had to agree to lower their station in life just to have a husband who would support them and this gentleman that she married was of a much more coarse character and he brought with him a daughter from his previous marriage he was also an almond a widower and when this man set his eyes on the young hobbits Hayami yes well mayor Kagan he wanted this boy for his daughter unbeknownst to the hava time the mother was taking a lot of pressure from a new husband and she couldn't take it when the when he threw out Mary Kagan came home one bin as money he saw something was the matter with his mother and he asked his mother what's the matter and she refused to say he pushed a little bit and then she broke down in uncontrollable tears because she didn't want she knew her child was a prodigy who was he was as a star of a Talmud Hakka excellently dot and the the young daughter stepdaughter was similar to the father course character not so cultured etc and she burst out crying saying my husband wants you for his daughter and the hobbits hime responded the following mother why are you crying I'll marry her and he did but here's the punchline him it's not who you married it's who are you entering in the marriage that's going to count because you cannot know what's going to come up between you but you can know how you're going to respond and even where not if even when one makes mistakes and speaks unkindly it's never too late for me to say sorry and mean it and be sincere about it it's not who we marry that I should be afraid of it's Who am I so how do I get myself more prepared entering into marriage so I'm going to talk now about dating on purpose with purpose number one purpose of going into dating is not about marriage it's about me becoming a better me what does that mean well on the date the first look I get see the chemistry o-m-g I come this is what the shotgun says is beautiful now if I'm here for number one myself how do I become a better me improve my value intrinsic value as a potential partner in life number two how do I become a better me for whoever it is that I'm interaction with interfacing with eventually will marry number three well I'm getting married not just in the process to improve myself and to improve my been out on the cavero not just been Adam lets me between myself and myself but even relations with other people but also I'm getting I want to get married to raise a family bring Jewish children into the world also there's all three components my relation with myself my relationship with the potential partner and besides all that I want to start a family let's start with number one and here's here's where I want to make a very simple simple emphasis ask guided questions to yourself before you start the date what do I mean by that say the following for example I wonder what I will learn about myself during this date I wonder what I will see that I didn't see before about my sensitivity or caring or respect or being nice Pleasant responsible kind listening good MoDOT year HM I'm in other words everything you're looking for that we mentioned right at the beginning that's on the famous list how am i doing on that because it's not who you marry that's going to make the big difference what's going to make the big difference is who you are entering the marriage and don't get me wrong it doesn't mean oh so my husband doesn't have to work on himself my wife doesn't have to work on herself it's just about me and here's the real answer God wired us in the following way you and I are programmed to be creatures of reciprocation we respond to each other in the words of hemella haha McCullough Dom the wisest man who ever lived said Malek Inc Solomon come I'm a pineal upon him just as waters reflect your facial expressions without any deviation can lay down lay down so is the mind and heart what you're thinking and feeling that is what the other person is picking up on shrim America wrote a book called michl initially the Christian translation unfortunately is Proverbs and we're stuck with it Mitch lay is a Michelle and Michelle is a metaphor metaphor means you take something that you and I already relate to and then you show that there's something that Shama Mela wants us to have an insight and understanding a deeper understanding of life and so he takes a metaphor that you and I are all used to and suddenly shows you that it's really a metaphor for something much deeper all of us have looked in the mirror and seen our reflection everyone knows that if the water is clear and it's not too wavy you can see your reflection come IMAP animal upon name just like waters reflect your facial expressions without any deviation can live Darla's that is how the lab which really means mind we usually translated as heart that's not the exact translation laid means mind must revert or abort their lavish what's massive I mean thought where'd you do your thinking in your heart or in your mind and our burden AHA words believe ish there are many thoughts in the mind of a person the reason why and this is this is massive what I'm about to share with you please pay extra attention not because it's complicated but because it's simple but it's just so simple there's no word anywhere in to knock for emotion there is no word for emotions throughout Tana the only word you'll find is lev but lev actually means mind do you know why because everything you feel is actually a reflection of what you're thinking 100% of your emotions are what you're thinking in that moment if I'm angry that's God's Way of helping me see what I'm thinking in the moment I might think and I'm busy blaming other people telling the world who is to blame for me being upset with life with my wife with my health or my wealth but really what God did was a brilliant design he just thought doesn't need to give him extra the brilliant design of our mind is the following what you feel is a hundred percent what you're thinking always there are no exceptions it's impossible that's why the word LED means mind heart because the moment you feel it's because you're thinking it but it's really starting here this is massive in any relationship because the moment I realize I'm experiencing thought all of a sudden I can be liberated from the possibility of thinking it's your family who drive me nuts it's the boss it's my coworker it's my friends it's the community as much as I keep thinking this that's what I'm going to feel so if I don't like the way I'm thinking where should I begin over here but here's the simplicity of this God wants me to understand that just like my facial expressions are perfectly reflected in waters so are people reflecting what I'm thinking and therefore feeling about them Kamiya panama panama can lever down adam so in any relationship just the dating period and certainly marriage what other people are picking up on is what you and I are thinking and therefore feeling about them do you follow it's a very simple logic the one the one of the best massage far in written in the non-jewish world the most the bestsellers a de Yong is called how to win friends and influence people Dale Carnegie it's a muscle safer in many ways but he's one basic premise is the following when you give a sincere compliment you really mean it the other person lights up do you follow every single date I go one number one I wonder what I'm going to learn about myself I wonder what I will notice how I'm improving in my respect my listening kindness consideration understanding empathy because the more I see that this is about me number one and the number two how I'm taking interest in you one of the most powerful ways to take interest in another person is so simple find out what they love the most what they like the most and get interested in that even if it's not your interest that's not the point the point is in order for me to become a better me and more valuable in a relationship because that's what we're talking about because it's not you changing your spouse you can never change your spouse it's impossible you never nobody changes anyone nobody ever changed anybody try changing your teenagers very funny try changing your life very funny try changing husband it never happened if it looks that way well okay nagging cajoling fear controlling anger yeah but the moment their back is turned they're gonna do what they want anyway real change is when it's internal the person wants to change oh but guess how that works when I change me you respond to a different me if I become more appreciative more listening more empathic more considerate more respectful oh you respond differently why because ken live our damla are done you want to change your husband your wife your father your mother your brother your sister don't bother it's a waste of energy that's is that the reason God put me in this world to change others it not never happened the only person I can change is me yeah but what about my wife she's not cooperative she's not respected she's not loving not affectionate enough and the answer is when I become more loving affectionate respectful more listening she'll change in reciprocation to a different me cuz you and I are wired that way it's a simple law of nature it's exactly like gravity you cannot negotiate this this is how all relationships work people don't fall in and out of love they stop thinking about what can I contribute to this relation how can I change to be more listening more empathic more giving more understanding more respectful more nice whatever it is the value that you looking for that's what I've got to work on for myself because that's who you're marrying oh when I change me oh you respond in kind is this making sense it's not complicated it's extremely simple that's why life ought to be a lot less complicated because it almost doesn't matter it almost doesn't matter who you marry almost I'm not saying don't have any criteria what I am saying is that go in with the clear mindset I'm here to be a better me and even if you're ugly or there's something I don't like about your family that comes up in the conversation but that does that mean I can no longer take interest in you does that mean I can no longer be respectful kind listening empathic understanding sense of humor do you follow the mix forever after I have come over to lovin another do as one loves oneself applies to dating - I have a mitzvah to love my date but what happens if I don't at this world whoa there's no way I just want this to end as soon as possible you know I forgot to tell you by the way I've got a cousin who's coming over I just found out right so I'm not able to to meet from one about 30 minutes I'm really sorry I really had no control over this whatsoever just thought of it now so now give it your all even though you know you're not gonna go on a second date the purpose of dating is to become a better me and to interact better with others and it's in that type of mindset God will sign his signature and say I'm gonna help you find that person Hashem is mazhab exilic him now mazovick civilian in the language of our sages is Mitzi oat ha the book it doesn't say searching for the right partner it's finding the right partner what does that mean it means looking for the good that's already in every potential partner so every date I go on what am I going to learn about myself because you're preparing your mind there's not some sort of psychological trick it's reality when you're expecting to notice something new about yourself your mind eye is more open to notice that insight of you being more patient more listening more understanding more respectful when it was on your list is it do you hear this if you asked the question I wonder what I'm going to learn about the person I'm going to meet tonight I wonder what will impress me about that person I wonder what qualities in their character I will be inspired by you're expecting to find those qualities and that's what's called mid suit as a book it doesn't say search for the right partner it says finding the right partner that means the person you're meeting has potential factors of the items you're looking for on your list and that's what I'm looking for even if you know after one second you're not gonna marry this person throw yourself in to that date because it's not just about that person it starts with I'm here to be a better me is this making sense yeah it's making sense when on a date I have an expression here ask Domino questions what's a Domino question you know Domino which like one one folds over and then there's a ripple effect and all the others start falling over ask about what they enjoyed the most what do they like doing in their free time find out about things that they do that on the side it could be a headset it might be taking care of people that in the community it might be something they do on in private quietly ask them what they enjoy the most because over here if we just have to ask ourselves the very simple question what do we enjoy talking about the most what do we enjoy talking about the most the things we love the most is that true so if someone asked you what do you enjoy the most in your life and then ask Domino questions not not just listen to the answer but actually use the answer that they give you as a platform for another question related to that so you you asking them to dig more into what they enjoy the most and you'll have them talking about what they love what but they enjoy and if you ask what is it about that that you enjoy the most you're going to help them reveal to you their values do you follow you're helping them talk about what matters the most to them and if they talk if they say I love shopping hey if that's something that's on your list as well then you got unlimited credit cards so you know hey that's great you're good oh really what you enjoy buying right and she might actually it's imagine she says I love shopping I just love shopping and you go oh my gosh but what happens if you say Oh tell me what you enjoy about shopping and then she says well I love checking out the quality and the prices and sales because I've got a Hashem gave me an AI that I'm able to find really high-quality at the best prices so I'm actually a really careful shopper now I won't have discovered that if I didn't ask that question but if I closed the whole subject after I heard she loves shopping oh no I love saving money she loves spending but I'm working on an unfair assumption because I didn't get her to share with me what is it she loves about the shopping and then she reveals she's really good at finding good prices and then if you ask her what does she do in her job she might then actually reveal to you that she works for a company and the department she works in is actually how to save money on the vendors that the company engages for all the different products that they sell and not only do you get a salary but you also get a commission based on the amount of money that you saved the company and then you understand how the to match up she loves shopping because she's really good at getting not just bargains not cheap bargains good quality bargains and it happens to be that that's that's her forensic mindset even in her job definition is this making sense I'm just throwing out a simple example but the point is get the person just to talk about what they like the most what they're good at what they they enjoy and if they said well I don't have that many interests just ask them a much more open-ended question well if you had unlimited time and resources what would you want to do the most what would you what would you probably find yourself gravitating to so you're helping them talk about themselves and if you notice that they they don't have an answer to that so that might be an answer for you that they haven't thought about that and maybe you're okay with that or maybe you want someone who's not as shallow you want someone with more depth who's thought that through more I'm simply saying the following by asking domino questions questions that lead to other questions and help the person reveal more and more about themselves by doing that you are helping clarify for yourself what is this person's value system what matters to them in their life what do they enjoy some or someone might say what ticks what what really gets me excited is family I just love everything about family like birthdays and coming together bar mitzvahs Bat Mitzvah I love just even just comin together for barbecues on Sunday I just love the idea of brothers sisters getting along that that's what matters to me and say oh what what do you enjoy about that and we'll just she might find that an obvious question while she might and then she'll open up more and and you start to understand this person has a lot of confidence in getting along with different people that's big although your brothers and sisters are they similar no actually they're very different but you still love coming together yeah we miss my brothers and my sisters yeah we're very different if I got one brother who's completely religious very very very very very religious and then I've got another brother who's very not religious and then I got a sister who's like torn in between but we all love each other we get along and also when you meet what you talk about well we don't really talk about religion because we're just so accepting and loving of each other and then just just listen and get more more information the more you help them reveal what they enjoy the most about life about family about their values about their career what were their most outstanding and happy memories in childhood see you're taking a sincere interest in the person's life but you're also helping them dig up and reveal draw out from themselves information that will help you but don't stop at their answers use their answers a platform for another question you can let them do the same for you but what I'm just bringing out these are very simple strategies for helping build rapport in a relationship because rapport is everything report means sincere interest in the other person even if you're not gonna marry them but you're investing in you number one because you're becoming more valuable because you're more sincere in your interest in other people and they'll feel it they'll pick up on it and then they might like you enough to look beyond the extra big nose small nose too tall too short to why to thin whatever it is that's too much of one or another they start to look beyond what they're seeing in front of their eyes and they start saying I am enjoying this person's company I'm enjoying the conversation now they might be shocked when you say you don't want to meet again but the point is you're here to be as good as you can be on every single date as listening and as laughing and as empathic and respectful as you possibly can because you're investing in yourself first and automatically also investing in the other person by being interested and respectful is this making sense yep we can't escape ourselves so if the way to a waitress spilled something on us or is very slow to serve or serves the wrong thing after I already explained it twice how you and I respond to that waiter waitress in front of this date is going to be very revealing how much patience how much irritation how much giving a second chance and being done half the hood or how much I come you know what IQ do you have and then the sarcasm comes out and so we can't escape ourselves but we're here for ourselves first we're here to improve ourselves we're in tikkun Hat alum we're here to fix ourselves because when I fix me and you say oh he's into growth he apologized he said no I shouldn't have spoken to the waitress that way she's probably doing the best and there's so many people in restaurant she's just probably under a lot of pressure and anyway she doesn't speak English so no and so maybe the person who you're dating will say I like that or maybe I'll say it was too late I've already judged you and and I'm not giving you a second chance but then that would be their choice do you follow it's I'm trying to make this simple because it is it's not complex where it gets complex is where I do too much thinking about what I'm looking for and analyzing and analyzing and the analyzing can get me into a lot of trouble but want to keep it parshat simple I'm here to be a better me more giving more respectful more listening more kind considerate sensitive funny if that's appropriate whatever it's all about how we are selling ourselves number one and number two is the customer the person you're meeting is take an interest in the customer what I mean by that is anyone here in sales you know there's building rapport with the customer you don't want just a customer who buys from you once you want a repeat customer repeat customers are really valuable you want them to keep coming back again and again and that's not just because of the products you're selling it's also because of who you're selling of yourself so if you if I want to get myself married I'm selling myself but not in a selfish way I want you to see the value are bringing to a relationship happiness resilience patience kindness all the items on your list actually however which way you're going to define it that is what we are here to do for ourselves first so the person who we're in a relationship picks up oh you're about units for mine oh you're about being nice you're about being Pleasant you're about being trustworthy are you about honesty or you're about listening are you about empathy are you about respect how I'm looking for those oh yeah you're not perfect you make mistakes and then you apologize and you think about it and you mean it and you say sorry oh I I can handle that because I make mistakes too once in a while and I would like to be in a marriage with someone who can even when they're upset with my mistakes will accept my sorry when I really turn myself around oh we're all looking for the same thing but instead of looking the language of our sages is finding what's the difference between looking for good in others versus finding good in others what's the difference this is not a some sort of psychological trick it's very simple you're only looking but you might not find but if you're in the mode of finding you know it's there do you follow you know they've got qualities and it's gonna help the process go faster hopefully because ask questions upfront in your own mind before the date starts I wonder what I'm going to learn about myself what insights I'll have about my own levels of how I will improve on my own respect and giving listening taking interest sincere interest apology when I notice I make a mistake or a bit rough on round around the edges and that way I talked to the cashier or the waiter or the waitress how generous am I in paying the bill or offering the date what they would like to buy on the menu there's so many areas where we reveal ourselves to ourselves and to the person but the second step of this is I wonder what I'm going to learn about the person I'm dating tonight even if I'm not attracted to them and I don't see the chemistry I wonder what I'm going to be impressed by in their character in their qualities of personality that will impress me so you're upfront expecting to find good in the other person and that's before you don't I don't need to keep thinking could I marry this person should I marry would I could I ever can I ever marry this person because that's not a fair question to ask myself where I haven't given a fair chance to reveal myself to them and to help them reveal themselves to me is this making sense so far yeah it making sense so we can't we we covered that shall umpire it was vain sling word the word Shalom is a very interesting word it comes from word Shalom Shalom means complete so before it was complete it must have been incomplete so complete means you got differences coming together sperm tell us from real akuti ma non of nominal breslav in turn number eighty he says a car has Shalom the main Shalom is when you are muhabba you join together snake huh fake him to opposites that's why you very rarely will have the expression Shalom between friends because you're so similar but Shalem by it whoa a man and a woman coexisting what a miracle Mars Venus really all together do different mindsets all together coming together coexisting and it's not all up with growth there's plenty of ups and downs along the way but if we are real to ourselves sorry I made a mistake I apologize I know I hurt you I'm really gonna work on this I mean it people can handle that much better than me getting into a fight of defending and attacking back and reminding you of all your crimes and your list of what you have done to me and and that's not a good place to go cuz you might have a better memory than I do of my crimes against you and now we're spiraling down so Shalem by it really means when two people have differences and Charlaine come together that's what equals Shalom is not similarities coexisting its differences coexisting that's what solemn and by it is a nesting word it means home by it letter bet means inside when Noah covered the TAVR with cuff go fair with pitch me bite gloomy quotes from inside and outside diamonds inside Charlotte by means peace inside I've got to be able to deal with the differences and not worry so much with how good will you be when I bring differences into the marriage it's more about how will I the confort time was confident that it didn't matter who he married as much as who was he going into the marriage and he knew he would be a loving affectionate giving listening respectful husband that's what every wife is looking for every wife and every husband is looking for the same things devotion loyalty listening loving respectful apologizing when we make mistakes not if when we make mistakes is this making sense there's a lot more to be said on this important subject there's an excellent book that came out very recently and many of you are familiar with Garden of Emunah so one of the more recent ones is called Garden of miracles it's called say thank you and see miracles it's got a hundred and ninety different stories of people who said thank you to a Shem for what they were missing in their lives and in doing so again and again started to mean it thank you God that I'm single because now I get to be closer to you because I keep turning to you each time the date doesn't work out thank you hm I'm still single because now I've got an opportunity on the next date should be soon I get to welcome myself and try and be more respectful listening giving generous considerate sensitive he's got unbelievable stories there of people who had cancer and just started saying thank you to wash em for 20 to 30 minutes a day thank you God for cancer because now I'm coming closer to you through my TV lot the cans was making me closer to you it's actually a cinnamon and sugar knock in code of Jewish law and it's based on a mission er right at the end of beara hood hiya Adam lovara al Herrera I have an obligation to thank God for things that go wrong RAAA bad kusuma Varick al hatov just like I thank Hashem for the good the - alema with a complete mind I'm not drunk I'm not crazy I'm not on some sort of high of drugs no but - tell him I know what I'm doing when I say thank you for the not good in my life Ubbe nefesh have pizza and I'm doing it willingly Ubbe Sinha and with joy so rabbi Arash mentioned that he had many singles come to him complaining I'm still not married still not married and he would say thank Shem just say thank you I love you a Shem even though it's not easy I still love you and by being single I'm coming closer to you until until I find the right guy until a finding right girl and he talks about many many stories it's really worthwhile reading because he talks about so many stories where people's cancer just went or their financial situation had a massive turnaround people in horrible debt or people who were single people who didn't have children for years and years and years fascinating stories because God loves us all the time and he wants us to pray to Him but tefillah has three components not 1/3 Sheva praise hood our thank yous and baka shot requests if I get too stuck on the requests it's okay but there's two other components to tefillah thank you and praise thank you and praise lots and lots of thank you and what God is really let me put you this way you go to your dad and you ask and he gives they go again and you tell them what else you missing and you ask any gifts but but what would happen in Dad's mind if instead of just asking I keep praising and thanking him for how much he's done in my life to bring me to this point and then when you make the request is it the same giving as before or it's even more willingly is he willing to even overlook certain things about my character that how are hacer in the way I do things in the home that's not always to his liking but I moisturize it you'd and praise he can handle that a lot better and some because God doesn't can't handle the complaining even though the truth is he doesn't like me complaining he doesn't like it nomura glim got us 40 years into mid par and the head didn't hurt Agel Hashem we we were forgiven for for the most part but the Moraga lame-o for complaining about the gift I gave you that we spent 40 years in the mid bar to shop it off every year Anton eats from the tree dad was not as upset about that as when he asked him did you why are you embarrassed about your nakedness oh did you eat from the tree I asked you not to eat from what was God inviting Adam to do teshuva I only had to say was one word catotti I made a mistake and God would have forgiven him that's what the madrugada says on that path look instead what did he say who's he blaming anybody that you gifted to stand by me whoa who is Adam blaming God and his wife that ticked Hashem off now he got all the clot he didn't for eating from the tree he got it for being kaffir tough so if I want to really quickly if there are any lists of stuff on my file that when I ask for a bedroom this is what I'm looking for in my life and he opens up my file and there's a few debts over there that I'm really paid off we can close those debts cancel those debts with praise and thank you praise and thank you and see miracles I urge you to get that book it's really excellent so I close the last it's our the last bit of advice is if in trouble call 1-800 almighty it's a very important number you can write it down 1-800 almighty it's a 24-hour 24/7 365 120 you can call any time of the day or night he's available 1-800 the ultimate therapist rabona shuttle um I love you I thank you I thank you for everything I've been through the good and the not so good and do it everyday in your own words and see miracles I should not give up why because the gamar tells us that every single day a bat call a heavenly voice comes out and says so-and-so is destined to marry so and so so the Gemara in Moyet cotton Daffy would head page 18 and the question is asked why does God have to tell me that he's making this heavenly voice come out every day why does have to come every day so in cho maíam we're really one neshama god splits us into you go with this mother and father and the other half goes with this mother and father and now we're gonna find each other remember we're not looking as much as finding each other and God says I'm going to say this every day I'm gonna put out a but call a heavenly voice every single day so nobody should ever give up and think I've lost my z book because I'm going to say everyday so-and-so is destined for so-and-so never give up in the hood in the knowledge of knowing that I'm here to enter a relationship with myself and in doing so improving myself I'm going to improve the value that I'm offering to you and in that build a family and bring children into the world which we won't always agree on how we're going to raise them but that's part of how solemn is differences still coexisting that's the power of a Shems pure advice to us don't be afraid of who you marry be more concerned about who we are entering the marriage that's what's going to matter the most in the skirt of knowing we have that power it's don't worry about the other person we can change them by not trying to change them by changing the only person I was here to change they will respond to a different us that's how we change others in the support in the merit of knowing that we should all observe her too many happy marriages in many years of happy meritum and health happiness and many children men [Music] you [Music]