You're Trying TOO Hard | Living with Emunah #381

Good morning, Boca Raton. Welcome back to Living with Emunah. In the month of Emunah Nissan, erev Shabbos Hagadol, erev Pesach. This is it. This is the time. This is the effort. This is the energy. It's all about Emunah. It's all about a relationship. It's all about seeing, loving, feeling, acknowledging, connecting with the Ribono shel Olam. Our Emunah series is generously sponsored by Dr. Zev Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr. Brian Gabbay, in memory of Bella's mother, Dr. Ellen Shanzer. We remain deeply indebted to the Morgans for the generosity. The series is co-sponsored for the in memory of the fallen soldiers and alumni of Bnei David Machon Shimon and Eli. This week's sheer is sponsored for the refuah shleimah of the soldiers recently injured in Lebanon. Roy Ben Meir, Ariel Ben Ettinger, Matanel Ben Sevia, David Ben Ziva, Liam Ben Revital, Eitan David Ben Tova, Matan Mordechai Ben Meir, they should have a complete, speedy, painless refuah shleimah. And two additional young men injured in a serious car accident, Yaco Ben Verad and Hillel Ben Shlomi. Today's sheer is sponsored by Yoni Gordon House in commemoration of the 52nd yahrtzeit of his father, Hyman Lichtman, Chaim Ben Aaron Pinchas Halevi, and anonymously in the zechus of shidduchim for Nachman Gabriel Ben Elka Yoheved and Shoshana Malka Bas Tzipora. Thank you to all of our generous sponsors. We will, as we always do, begin with some of our letters, emails, and correspondence, and then we'll pick up back in the safer of David Hatzera, Shaarei Tefillah, together. Just a reminder, next week we're off. I would give sheer, but it's erev Pesach next Wednesday morning. The odds of you are coming are slim to none. And as exciting as it is, the thought of giving sheer to me, myself, and I, I'm going to take off next Wednesday. The following Wednesday is Yom Tov, so we will resume immediately following Pesach. But you don't need Emunah sheer erev Pesach or Pesach because all of Pesach is one long Living with Emunah sheer. The Seder, our two nights of sheer in Living with Emunah. It's what Pesach is all about. It's what the Haggadah is all about. It's what Seder night is all about. Not about complicated, intricate, cute divrei Torah, gematrias, arts and crafts projects. That is not what the Seder night is all about. What the Seder night is all about, and I can't emphasize this strongly enough to you, what the Seder night is all about is a lesson, a a platform, personal stories of emunah. We're not commemorating 3,300 years ago. We're talking about our own yetzias Mitzrayim right now, in the present, our own experience. We're going to talk about the shavua ago, though, how we leave Egypt together, the addictions, the bad habits, the things we want to change that are enslaving us in our life. But we all have our own story, and the Pesach is the chance to tell it, to tell it to family, to tell it to friends and neighbors, uh to tell it even to ourselves if we find ourselves having a Seder. Nobody should have a Seder by themselves. But we're telling the story of our own discovery of Hashem, our own finding him in our life, of feeling his hand guiding us through whatever we are going through. So we're not not having Living with Emunah shiur of a Pesach, but everyone is their own maggid shiur. Everybody's giving shiur on Living with Emunah. You're giving shiur at your Seder table, you're giving shiur at your Yom Tov table, and come in prepared. Come in prepared. I'm not sending you emails to read, but you should come in prepared. That means think about in your own life. We know when we share our own story, our own journey, our own experience, write your own email that you're going to share at your Seder table, at your Yom Tov table, cuz that was what Pesach is, the Chag HaEmunah. It's what it's all about. Let's dive into a few emails. Hello Rabbi. Thank you for the shiur. I'm really seeing a change in my perspective. I'm writing to share a beautiful hug from Hashem. I'm a teacher, and I was feeling burnt out with parent-teacher conferences, the crunch of finishing our Haggadah. I decided I needed a day off. But a lot of thought went into which day I would take off because I tutor students after school, and I didn't want to cancel any sessions. I decided I would take Tuesday. In the middle of my day, a parent reached out to ask if her child could switch days and work with me that day. In my head, I was trying to decide should I go back for the money? In the end, I decided not to and I told myself, "Hashem, I guess that money was not meant for me." I continued my day as usual, didn't give it any more thought. My friend and I decided to go for a walk in on the streets of New York City. I found a $100 bill. I looked up to the sky and said, "Wow, Hashem, I guess the money was meant for me." I know it usually doesn't work out this way, but it's always reassuring to feel that hug and wink from Hashem. Thank you for the sheer amount of dedication and time to the community. Yadadada, blah blah blah. So, it doesn't always We like the stories, you know me by now. We like the stories where it doesn't end that way. It's not perfect and it doesn't all come together and it doesn't have the happy ending. And nevertheless, we know it's from Hashem, but it's nice when it does, too. And it's okay. That's also a wink and a hug and a nod. And we could all use that, too. When it comes together, when we see it, when we happen. Here's another one. I'm writing to share with you with a full and emotional heart the incredible and open miracle that Hashem did for our son just three weeks ago on Purim. As I once shared, our son was born with a chronic kidney failure. Today, he's 3 years old and since he was just 1, we left our home in where they lived and moved to another community so he could begin dialysis. These past 2 years have been filled with challenges that are hard to put into words. Watching our small child go through so much, living far from home, constantly hoping and dominating for a yes that did not come. About a year ago, we began the process of searching for a kidney donor with the help of Renewal, an amazing organization. Incredibly proud how many members of our community have donated a kidney through Renewal. We held on, in fact, just a couple months ago through a drive that we held here at PRS. Last year, a husband donated his kidney and a couple months ago, his wife was a match for someone. A married couple both donated their kidneys through a drive that was held here. We held on to so much, but one by one, every single person who came forward to be tested was not a match. Each time we allowed ourselves to hope and each time we were told no. The disappointment and uncertainty were very heavy. Then, 1 week before Purim, we were told another potential donor was not a match. We felt broken and exhausted. The team caring for our son saw our pain and arranged a meeting with the medical director and other specialists. After a long and emotional conversation, they suggested placing our son on the deceased donor list. This was not easy for us to accept. We'd always hoped for a living donor, believing it was the best option. But, in that moment, we realized we needed to let go and trust Hashem's plan, even if it looked different than what we had imagined. With that, we said yes and placed him on the list. And then, everything changed suddenly. On the Monday before Purim, at around 2:00 p.m., we received a call there might be a kidney for our son arriving later that night. We were told to stay close to our phones. From that moment, our hearts were racing. We felt hope, fear, excitement, fear, all mixed together. We reached out to our bottom spoke with renewal consulted doctors to understand what we should do if the call came again. That night, we went to hear Megillah. My in-laws were visiting for a brief moment. We tried to breathe and just be present. We returned home 10:30 p.m. and the phone rang. They told us the kidney was on its way. If we wanted, we needed to come immediately. We asked all the questions we could think of and then we heard the words that we will never forget. It is a perfect match for your son. In that moment, everything stood still. We quickly gathered our things, picked up our son while he was still asleep, and rushed to the hospital. On the morning of Purim, our son received his kidney transplant. Baruch Hashem, he is doing well. There are no words to fully describe what we felt then and what we continue to feel now. After everything, the pain, the waiting, the uncertainty, Hashem sent us exactly what we needed at exactly the right moment. Looking back, we can see at least clearly see Hashem holding us the entire time. Even in the moments we felt the darkest, even when we thought there was no path forward, he was there, guiding every step, preparing the derech long before we could see it. The experience has changed us. It has deepened our emunah in a way that it's hard to express. We now feel so strongly Hashem's timing is perfect even we don't understand. Our job is to hold on, trust, and open our eyes to see his hand in every detail. We're overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you for being someone we can share with. Fantastic email. Baruch Hashem. So grateful we daven they should continue to recover, be healthy, be well, and give them tremendous nachas. Lots of takeaways from that email. Lots of takeaways, but I think the most powerful is a reminder to each and every one of us in our moments, whatever they are, as dark, more dark, less dark, in our challenging times, I I can't say this strongly enough. It's so important to remember to zoom out the lens, to play the long game. In any particular moment it can feel overwhelming. In any particular moment it can feel hopeless. In any particular moment we can feel abandoned, neglected, invisible. In any particular moment it can feel like it's just a big no. But we don't live in any particular moment. We live over the course of time and we don't know his plan and we can't make it happen any faster. We can't rush it. It's true for shidduchim. Put out a video this week. It was 3 minutes long about shidduchim and being in Hashem's hand. It was posted with a text about directed to people who are dating and it's not as big as it seems. The words "it's big not as big as it seems" were not meant that for any particular person. For many it is big, particularly someone who's been dating for a long time and feels very alone and eager. It can feel very big. Those words were not meant for that person. If you watch the video it was bigger than us, meaning we don't have to solve the whole shidduch system and we don't have to find shidduchim for everyone and we don't have to take on everything. It's about one person and it's about Hashem finding and sending that one person in that right time. I was speaking to Rav Shure, who was here this week. We had an enormous histos from Rav Shure shlita. And I was speaking to him particularly about shidduchim. It's a question of tfila in general. What do you davin for? Somebody who's dating. Somebody who's dating. Somebody uh reached out to me. Daniela Ornstein likes to say, "You're not a single, you're a dater." Single is an identity, but it's not an identity. It's one part of who a person is, it's not an identity. Person is not single. Single and married don't define a person. A person is a dater. It means they're in a period of dating, of looking for the right person. So, whether it's a dater or the parent or grandparent or aunt or uncle or friend of a dater who wants to know what to davin for. So, what do you davin for? What do you davin for? Cuz if you're davining for someone you love, who you're close with, and you want them to find the one, what do you ask Hashem? I davin for such people, more than one. And and as I was davining recently, it occurred to me, but what am I davining for? What if the boy they're meant to marry isn't dating yet? So, what am I asking Hashem for exactly? Let the next boy be the one, but but if it's the right boy and he's not dating yet, then he can't be the one. So, what exactly are we davining for? So, Rav Shure said, "What we're davining for is the right one in the right time." But if Hashem is in charge of the right one in the right time, why do I need to davin for it? He'll send it. He'll send him or her. Why am I davining? And Rav Shure quoted a source that when it comes to shidduchim more than any other thing, our effort and initiative, he quoted, "Do nothing." We think it does a lot. We get it backwards. We do the inverse and the opposite. We've shared this many times. The Gra, Rav Zalman quotes the Gra, others. Normally, when it comes to things we should put a lot of initiative into, we say, "No, Hashem is in charge. Hashem is in control. We should work harder in business and in life." No, Hashem will send parnassa. No, Hashem is waiting for you. Show more initiative. Make more effort. Do more. Then when it comes to shidduch, where you're supposed to say, "You know what? I'm going to do the minimum cuz really it's Hashem who's in charge." There we do over excessive hishtadlus. We call and we email and we follow up and we mutcher and we nudge and we And there Hashem says, "Whoa, relax. Relax. I got it. Fall back. I got it." We get it backwards. We do it the opposite of the way we're supposed to. So, it's still complicated and still not entirely clear, but our tfila is not to force Hashem's hand. If we want him to do his magic and do his thing, then we have to realize it's on his timeline, not ours. So, what we daven for consistently for is, "Hashem, send the right one in the right time." And until he or she comes, give me the koach, me the dater, me the parents, the aunt and uncle, the friends, give me the koach until it's that until it's the right time. But why am I giving you that example? Going back to this last email. Because in a particular moment, a person can feel, "Where is Hashem? And he doesn't love me. And he's not answering me. And I keep getting a no." The parents of this 3-year-old for 3 years felt they got a no. Every hour, every day, every week, every month for 3 years felt they got a no. Where is that match? Where is that solution? Where is that healing? Where is that help? Where are you, Hashem? But they held on with emunah and love. They leaned in, leaned in and leaned on talking and davening and pouring out their hearts and telling Hashem, "He's your child, too." Cuz the Gemara Kiddushin says there are three parents for every child, the mother, the father, and Hashem. He's not just our problem. He's not just our worry. He's your child. So, you do your part. We're doing ours. For 3 years, they didn't walk away. They leaned in deeper and further. And look, they played the long game. That doesn't mean everyone who always plays the long game gets the answer in the end. We know tragically and sadly that's not the case. But it means to not lose hope just because in any moment it feels that way. Like they described joy and fear and happiness and fear and the cocktail of emotions that we all get. Which is exactly what the Seder's all about. Because at the Seder we eat matzah and maror. Why are we still eating maror? We're free. Why are we still eating maror? And we eat maror out of order. I don't know if you see what we're doing here. We're just weaving in a little bonus Pesach Torah Torah for you Seder. You are welcome. So, since we have the men's Seder tonight, this is the women's Seder. It doesn't have four courses. Doesn't have four glasses, but we can do a women's Seder. Four types of kale and four four glasses of mojitos. I'm just joking. We'll give you meat and wine, too. But I'll give a short Torah Torah for the Seder. So, Rabbi Gamliel omer, anyone who doesn't say these things has not fulfilled the mitzvah Pesach, matzah, and maror. It's out of order. Shouldn't it be maror, matzah, Pesach or maror, Pesach, matzah? The first thing was the bitterness, the slavery, the servitude. The first thing that we're commemorating, we're reenacting, we're remembering is the maror. It all started with the slavery, the servitude, the subjugation, the maror, the bitterness, the pain. And then Shem told us, "Matzah, we didn't have time for it to rise." And then Pesach, we got this holiday we celebrate our freedom. Why are we doing it? Why are we saying it out of order? Many answer the reason is, lest we think that life is about maror and then the smooth sailing of matzah and Pesach. Life is oscillating, ups and downs. Life is a roller coaster. There are matzah moments and there are maror moments. And don't think when you hit a little matzah stride, we're smooth sailing, we're in a good place, marriage, happy bliss, we're in a good zone, things are going well, never going to have a fight again, never going to have tension again, never going to have disappointment again. We're in what Gottman would call a positive sentiment override stage. All we see is good and adorable and cute and lovely and every No. No, there's going to be more. It's going to make its way back because life is all about ups and downs. Everyone has it. I just spoke at a Yeshiva Bracha earlier this week and I mentioned, you know, this idea. We walk away from the chuppah and the last thing we do is the chassan breaks the glass. Why does the chassan break a glass? Many reasons are offered. One of course is, we remember there's no Beit Hamikdash. As happy and as joyful as we are in that moment, we're incomplete because there is no Beit Hamikdash. But I would like to suggest the reason we break a glass before we walk away, we tell this chassan and kallah who under the chuppah everything is perfect. He's perfect, she's perfect, parents are perfect, in-laws are perfect, the chuppah is perfect, everything is perfect. They just came off an aufruf and a Shabbos kallah. Everyone's perfect, everyone's amazing, everyone is historic, everyone is a godol, everyone's a tzaddik, everyone's a tzaddikis. Everything is perfect and before they walk away from the chuppah, we remind them things are going to break. Break a glass because something's going to break. Something's going to break. Inevitably and invariably, something's going to break. In life, things are thrown our way. Things that are natural, human, the elements, things are going to happen. So, dear chassan and dear kallah, before you walk away, we want you to know things are going to break cuz if your expectation is it's going to be a aufruf and a Shabbos kallah forever, if you think it's going to be a chuppah and a sheva brachas forever, if you think that's how everyone's going to talk about you and look at you and think about you and you look at each other, then you'll be destined for devastation when something breaks. So, before you walk away, we tell you something is going to break. I wrote an article many years ago, my my first article in Mishpacha about broken matzah. There's an ancient minah that goes back to the Middle Ages of having a fourth matzah at the seder. We have three matzahs, Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, Kohen, Levi, Yisrael, three matzahs. But, there's a Middle Age not Middle Age like me, Middle Age a a custom from the Middle Ages, custom from the Middle Age, not a Middle Age custom. That's getting like a motorcycle or something. It's a custom from the Middle Ages. There's a custom from the Middle Ages of bringing a fourth matzah to the seder. And it was called the matzah safek. And the idea of the matzah safek was that approaching the seder, you knew that one of the matzahs is going to break, have a backup ready. We really should start the seder and before pouring the first cup of the four cups, we should pour out a cup on the tablecloth. That should be the minag. Everyone's ready? Everyone has a seat? Everyone has a haggadah? Everybody's ready to sing Kaddish U'rchatz? Before we begin, That's what we should do. That way, whoever will be the first to spill won't feel bad because the Chofetz Chaim, we introduce that minag this year? Okay. It's pikauch nefesh shaila. But, maybe we introduce that minag. First, spill out. Why? Because the wine's going to spill and a matzah is going to break and the glass breaks and the because things break. Life is not perfect and smooth sailing and don't be ready for it. So, therefore, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov would say, "You have to say these three things, Pesach, matzah, and maror." Because maror is the last cuz you should know it's not smooth sailing. You don't get off the maror and then you're good to go forever. Life is this oscillation. Life is this up and down. Life is going to be Pesach, matzah, maror. That's why Hillel was korech, Hillel used to mix them together. The great Hillel sandwich. Now, you understand what Hillel did? We Ashkenazim, we Ashkenazim, of matzah is a brittle, tasteless piece of cardboard matzah. But if you're Sephardi still today, your matzah is essentially an incredible lafa. Matzah was lafa. Hillel introduced the first lafa shawarma. It was an ishtanur. You you you you roasted the carbon Pesach. And then you sheared off some meat. And you put it with some charif, with a little spice. With a little maror. And you wrapped it in the lafa. Ooh, delicious. Hello. Zecher l'Mikdash k'Hillel. For us, we've got all these crumbs and these charoset are dripping and the maror For us, we're just trying to make our way. The kittel needs a dry cleaner. It's not enough. We're just trying to make our way. But in the days of Seder night and still today, it was a lafa. Matzah was a lafa. Soft matzah is a lafa. That was the Hillel sandwich. Why did he combine them together? It's not just to be yotzei the safek of matzah maror It's a shaila in the pasuk. The pasuk with the matzah with the maror Yes, for sure. But also because Hillel brought an attitude and it was Hillel's life. And we don't have time now. We did a shavua segulah drasha on it years ago. If you look at Hillel's life, what he introduced this was the story of his life. Was matzah and maror was bound together, wrapped together, united together. Life is not either or, matzah or maror. So many of our lives are a mixture and a recipe and a cocktail of the two. Matzah moments and maror moments. There's a breakthrough in happiness and just then there's a setback. There's a setback, but the setback is laced with blessing, with bracha. And if you live your life thinking that it's either or, then you're going to be very disappointed. And you're going to struggle to navigate. But if you live your life understanding that it's both together, it's korchan bi'achad. They're They're wrapped together. Matzah and maror. It's Pesach, matzah and maror. It's It's all It's out of order because that is the order. You're never done. You're never fully in the clear. There's no one in life who won't at some point confront having to navigate those things, having to navigate those things. So, when we zoom in the lens and we think that's all there is, then then we'll be lost. When we zoom out and you say, "In this moment, there's happiness, there's joy. I see Hashem. I don't see Hashem. Everything is perfect. It's not perfect." We have to zoom out the lens and see the matzah, the maror. It's all combined and united. It's all together. It's an oscillating narrative. Those are the stories that bind us. Years ago, there was an article in back then you were allowed to say New York Times in front of an Aron Kodesh, but there was an article by a professor at Duke about the stories that bind us and the research that showed, if you want to raise resilient children, then you don't tell them everything in life's always been perfect. If you want to raise resilient children, you tell them the stories that bind us. You tell them a family narrative. You tell them about your family story and your family journey and where you come from and how you got here. And the best family narrative, the best story that binds us, he writes, based on his based on his research, is the oscillating family narrative. We survived the Nazis and we came to America and it was amazing. Until then, we confronted that we got fired every Shabbat because we kept Shabbat. And then when we got a job, but then they had this thing. Ups and downs. And children who hear and see and learn that they are the result of an oscillating family narrative, they have the most resilience and resolve they have. And he says, "And what's the best thing to do when you teach that story?" You'll build the greatest resilient children if when you tell the story, you do it by doing some funky ritual that will remind the children and that story will embed itself so they'll always remember. It was like a gift from Hashem. I read the article and I said, "That's not Pesach." We sit around a table doing strange rituals so children will ask as we tell our family oscillating story that binds us. So, I wrote an article connecting his research with Pesach. And he, the author of the research, saw the story. He's a Jew. And he wrote me a beautiful email saying that it exactly applies to Pesach and he's going to say it at his seder. So, he gave me a drasha and I gave him a dvar Torah for the seder. And that's what it means to be Jewish. That's what it means to be Jewish. But those are the stories that we tell that life is filled with ups and downs. This is a challenge when we raise our children. We're going to talk about it this shabbat. See what I'm doing now? It's a little shameless plug and preview for the shabbat. So, this shabbat, shabbat segulah, we're speaking about addiction and freeing ourselves from the addiction of our lives. And not just clinical addiction. I'm not just talking about addiction, alcohol and substances and gambling, but that too we'll talk about. We're talking about technology. Talking about technology. No offense and I'm not judging, but how many sitting here are unable to sit down for this class and not look at their phone, be fully present and engaged and listen with a whole heart? How many? How many? Interesting, we're going to share research that the biggest, most dangerous Was that burger? We're going to share research, the biggest, most dangerous population who are now more addicted to their phones than anyone are the baby boomers, 60 and up. Younger people are frustrated with their parents and grandparents who can't disconnect from their phones. Fascinating. Lest you think it's the young people, the next generation is the most impossible, they're the worst. Fascinating, the research is now that the older ones, their grandchildren had to teach them how to use the phone, but once they learned, now they can't and they won't and they won't and they won't put it down. So, how do we over We have to overcome. So, when we think that life is linear, life is simple, life is straight, life is fun and games, then we're set up for a disaster. And the first moment we find a bump in the road, we turn to a substance, we turn to a distraction, we turn to a dopamine release, we turn to something that's going to numb us from the bump in the road because we we never anticipated it. We had helicopter parents who gave a trophy for participation, and we thought everything's supposed to be smooth sailing, and they were not just helicopter, they were bulldozer parents. That's the new expression. They bulldozed the path in front of me so that everything would be easy for me. And the children when the first time they run into an obstacle now, they don't know how to they don't know how to how to deal with it. So, they turn to these other things. I'll talk about that in the measure of Shabbat shalom. So, Pesach is the time we turn to our children and say, "Put the bulldozer away. Put the helicopter, retire the helicopter. We're not bulldozing, and we're not rescuing on a helicopter, and no one's getting a participation trophy. Here's the reality of life. It has ups and downs. It has matzah and it has maror, and we mix them together. And you're going to have matzah moments, and you're going to have maror moments, and then you're going to have matzah with maror and maror with matzah moments." Both. They're going to be moments that are dark, moments in a hospital, moments with disappointment, moments with getting fired, moments with not getting a job, moments of a breakup, moments of tension. And even in those maror moments, you'll find matzah. They're moments of light and silver linings and blessings. And you can have matzah moments. You can have moments of joy and happiness and breakthrough and success. But even in the matzah moments, it's going to be laced with a little bit of maror. And that's the communi- that's what we're communicating on Pesach. That's the message. That's what we're telling. There are ups and downs. The martial that of sure who was just here didn't give on this trip, but he's fond to say, "I've told you before, life has ups and downs. You know what you have when it's a straight line? When a seller comes and does an EKG, if it's a straight line, the person's dead. Anyone who thinks they could have a straight line in their life, they're dead. The sign of life is ups and downs. On an EKG, the very sign of life is that there are ups and downs. If there's no ups and downs, there's no sign of life. It means the person is gone, they're dead. Okay, back to some emails. We're darshaning the emails. We gave a whole shiur already. This is just to make me feel less guilty that most of the shiur I just read people's emails. Good evening, very good early morning to me. It's 4:30 in the morning, I cannot sleep. I open my phone so the article you wrote want to say thank you for recognizing what we the Jewish people in Israel are going through. I read an article yesterday how important and critically important it is for all of us outside of Israel to be sensitive to this war, to what's going on. Because the people in Israel are very disappointed in us, I'm sorry to say. After October 7th, American Jewish community responded with sympathy and empathy and rallies and duffel bags and missions and endless Tehillim. And in this war that's now a month long, while people are back in Miluim and fighting in Lebanon and in Gaza and Yehuda v'Shomron and flying missions over Lebanon and millions, the whole Israel is a frontline. Nobody, I don't care whether you serve or you're in the yeshiva, whatever your opinion on all those things, everyone is a frontline. Millions are into bomb shelters. Everyone's struggling to make Pesach preparations. No one's had their kids in school. And American Jews are talking about stock and rescue and where they're going for Pesach and what they're going to the cost of matzah and life. And those sitting in Israel are saying, "Where are you? What happened to you? What's great was we were to you after October 7th is as absent to you as you are now." So, actually someone sent me an email this morning, I'm going to take them up on it, who knows many women whose husbands are back in Miluim because of this and said the best thing you can do, let's create something where people here send a hot meal to be delivered to the door of a family whose husband's at Miluim before Pesach. Who couldn't use dinner taken care of you before Pesach? When your husband's home, when everyone's safe and happy, when everything's going well, everyone's ordering takeout before Pesach. I mean, there's only so much on the box, the last box of cereal on the bottom. When you turn it over, there's only so much you could shake out and share with your family. So, you have to find food somewhere. So, a beautiful project we're going to work on. It's true. I find it difficult hearing that people need to be rescued from Israel. I always think if they need to be rescued, why don't they If I always think if they need to be rescued, why don't we need Why don't we need to be rescued? It really is crazy over here. Baruch Hashem, I have my mom inside my house. I live in an area of few sirens and I no longer have small children. Still, this war affects my young adults and teenagers so deeply. Throws them off and life constantly feels upside down. You mentioned wondering what people could do from far away. I have an idea. This is it. Community where many husbands are currently in the middle of Pesach approaching, have a warm dinner delivered to doors. If it sounds like something your community might want to help with, let me know. Which I already responded I do. Let's coordinate it. I have no doubt we'll rise to the occasion and send as many people as we can those meals. By the way, I've been trying to notice sightings of perek of gimmel. About a month and a half ago, my husband and I were visiting our son who lives in Thailand. We were traveling together. One night, we arrived in a city, checked into our hotel, went up to our rooms. Our son is very attentive, suddenly said, "Hey, Imma, look. Psalm 23." We had room two, and he had room three. We all laughed and thought it was really special. I felt we had to share this, my first official sighting outside of a Tehillim. May we continue to see Hashem's little winks in all parts of our lives every single day. Absolutely. Okay. Aren't you curious about the wallet from last week? Anyone remember the wallet story last week? He was skiing down the slopes. Did he leave it at the gym? Couldn't find No, the wallet. The wallet wasn't the skiing. The wallet was the gym. The kids' gymnastics. And it wasn't at the gymnastics gym. That was the Remember cliffhanger last week? Cliffhanger. Dear Rabbi Goldberg, thank you for reading my email on today's shiur. I was elated. Your words were so kind and inspiring. This morning I received a phone call from the gymnastics arena that saying there was no wallet anywhere to be found. Slightly deflated, I thanked the manager for calling me back anyway. After now knowing that my wallet was not there, I started looking around my house one more time. Remembering that a cleaning crew had been in my house earlier that day, I started my search hoping they had placed somewhere other than my usual spots. Even though I was sure I had done it earlier, I opened my nightstand drawer to look again. I opened the drawer, looked down, and there it was. I saw my black leather wallet right there, but there was something shiny on top. Sitting on top of my wallet, right in plain view, was one of the metal sticker plaques that read, "Say I love you, Hashem." There it is, right on top of the wallet in the dresser drawer, a little metal plaque that says, "Say I love you, Hashem." I have to say I've kind of gotten used to the wings, hugs, and kiss from Hashem. This was a zetz to the face. You simply can't make this up. Thank you again. All the best, Tizku L'Mitzvos. There it was. You thought you lost your wallet? Say I love you, Hashem. It's right in your drawer, sitting on top. Sitting on top. Um ba ba ba bum bum. What time is it? Okay. Um As a follow-up to my previous email, I want to share something related. I originally wrote in because a friend of mine told me she had written in the past and found it to be a very special experience. She encouraged me to simply write out my thoughts and then decide whether or not to send the email, which I encourage all the time. Anyone who's written an email Anyone who's written an email will attest to just the act of writing the email is spiritually inspiring and moving. Just capturing your thoughts, just articulating your experience, whether you send it or hold it for yourself, is powerful. It's an Emunah journal. It's Hashgacha Protis journal, and it has value whether you send it or not. So, she encouraged me to simply write it. After some deliberation, I decided to send it, even only to express our Hakaras Hatov for the sheer and how much they strengthen my Emunah. Two days ago, I was on the train after a somewhat difficult day, feeling like I needed to hear words of chizuk. I put on that week's Living with the Emunah sheer, and as I listened to the emails being read, I suddenly recognized the words as my own. I was shocked to hear my own words cuz I had assumed it wouldn't be read as 2 weeks had already passed since I sent it. Hearing you read my email, speak about my Emunah, especially at a moment when I felt it wasn't so strong, felt like a kiss from Hashem. People often say that a good Shiur it feels as if the speaker is speaking directly to them. I turned on the Shiur hoping to hear something that would personally resonate with me. What more could I ask for than for Rabbi Goldberg himself to literally speak about me? I was honored and humbled. I'd come to listen for chizuk and instead I heard myself being described as someone with strong Emunah. It was incredibly powerful. The next day I was spending Shabbos with friends. I shared that I'd sent in an email and what happened on the train. Later one of the girls came over to me privately asked if my particular email had been mine. When I confirmed she told me she had listened to the same Shiur. Hearing my story had given her tremendous chizuk as the same situation had recently happened to her. It felt like a full circle moment. I'd questioned whether I should send the email and in the end it came at exactly the right time to give both me and someone else the chizuk we needed. Thank you for everything you do. I love that image. I gave her what she said when she needed it. Which is also a message, a very powerful and important message, which we're also going to talk about Did I mention the Shabbos the Shabbos Hagadol? Did I mention we went to Hungary this summer? Anyway, so one of the message we'll talk about also this Shabbos is that the answer is inside ourselves. We're looking for a solution everywhere and sometimes we need to just hear our own words, our own message. Sometimes in that moment of spiritual high, write yourself an email, a letter you could read when you'll need to hear it. Hashem orchestrated it. She sent me an email that I read and she heard it when she needed to hear it. But sometimes you don't need the Emunah Shiur, we can write ourselves. That is an incredible example of what is otherwise always a truth, namely that the answer, the solution, the message is inside ourselves. We don't have to always look elsewhere and try to find the answer everywhere else we look. Okay, let's learn a little bit. We've been learning the whole time, but let's learn a little bit. I did There's one more to Darshan, which is somebody who criticized me. I like those emails, too. They make me think. Respectfully, they did it respectfully. They disagreed. Because last week I spoke about what's reasonable hishtadlus. It's a question we always examine. What's reasonable initiative? What's excessive initiative? And I spoke about First that's a paragraph blah blah blah yada yada. That being said, that being said, that's almost as good as with all due respect. Whenever you hear the words with all due respect, you know what's coming next. That being said, I heard something on the Emunah Shiur that surprised me. I discussed it with my mother, she agreed it surprised her, too. I'm sending you this email. You talked about the girl in seminary with the question, how much is too much hishtadlus when it comes to let go and embrace your place. Your answer, I think, was most uncharacteristic and very not what I personally have gleaned from the Emunah Shiur. You said that every situation might call for a different hishtadlus. But you said specifically in regards to the current trying to get on flight situation, even what is normally unreasonable in this case is reasonable. That was a one-sentence sum of what I understood you to say, but I don't think that is in line with the Emunah Shiur. We're always where we're meant to be and Hashem is running everything. We're all just His agents and all the Al-Al agents are His agents, too. If so, hishtadlus would be speak to the agent, follow their direction, and then that's it. Don't put faith in others, don't do excessive hishtadlus, that's not putting faith in Hashem, and so on. She likens it to li- buying a lottery ticket. The same way we say, you can't buy no ticket and expect to win the lottery ticket lottery. But there's no reason to buy more than one ticket cuz you haven't increased your odds, and if Hashem wants you to win, you'll win with one ticket. So, call Al-Al once, send one text, and then if you're meant to be on the flight, Hashem will put you on the flight. No offense to the author of the email, I couldn't disagree more. I disagree. I disagree. Would you say like I was sick, I called the doctor's office, they didn't call me back. If Hashem wanted me to be better, then I would be healed. But he didn't want me to be better, so I shouldn't call again. Or I called the doctor and they said go to a specialist, but I couldn't get in, so I didn't get That was it. If Hashem wanted me to be healed, I would have I would have gotten in. Or the doctor tried to heal me, the medicine didn't work, the antibiotic, but I shouldn't try the stronger antibiotic because if he wanted me to get better from the weaker one, I would have gotten better. We don't say that in any other area of life. In every area of life we say, what is the reasonable amount of hishtadlus for the situation, for the circumstance? I don't know anyone who called them and said, "We've got a flight for you." Yeah? Okay? I don't know more than one person who called and said, "We have a We have a flight for you." Can one rely on that? Can one Did you fill out a form? You did nothing. Right. You were put on a different flight than the one you were originally supposed to be on? You're on a plane? Do you have status? No status? You need to sponsor a suit of soda for the munition. You might be one in a billion. Beautiful. I I want to point out Let me clarify this. And maybe this is the This is a very This is a very important clarification. It's a very important clarification. The Ramban writes somewhere, we don't normally subscribe to this, but the Ramban writes that someone living with the highest level of munition which we all assume to be out of our reach may not even need to go to a doctor when I'm sick because someone who truly has the highest level of emunah, Hashem is the rofeh cholim, the Ribono shel Olam is the one who heals the sick, and they would channel all their energy, effort, and hope into Hashem to heal them. And for the person who's capable and on that level of emunah, they don't even need to go to a doctor because Hashem can heal anyone on their own. There exists such a level of emunah. Should we even aspire? Is that even our goal? Is that for the every person? Discussion. But there is such a level of emunah. And if you, your husband are on that level and did nothing, and suddenly out of nowhere Hashem did send the ticket, kol hakavod, it's extraordinary, it's remarkable, and it's beautiful. I understand. And anyone who wants to, and anyone who wants to aspire to be on that level, more power to you. Tovu aleichem bracha. God bless you, go forth and good. But but for the ordinary, for the average, the normative sevaram of emunah talk about. And we're going to celebrate on the seventh day of Pesach. We're going to celebrate on the seventh day of Pesach. Why didn't the sea split on its own? Weren't they doing the right thing by davening to Hashem? I mean, you can imagine. Whoever wrote me this email standing next to Nachshon is about to walk into the Yam Suf and say, "What are you doing? Open your Tehillim. Zug Tehillim. Start davening. What are you doing? No effort. Daven. We turn to Hashem. Why are you walking? What are you doing?" But Hashem says, "Mah tiz'ak elai? Why are you talking to me? Dabber benei Yisrael veyisa'u. Start walking. Where's your initiative? Where's your effort?" What's reasonable? What's reasonable? That's always the question of what's reasonable. I think if you poll 100 people who were organizing flights to Israel or from Israel during this war, 99.9 out of 100 will tell you that what was reasonable effort in this circumstance was having to call several times, was having to email several times, was having to follow up several times, was having to follow up after you were canceled and rescheduled and canceled and rescheduled. What is reasonable changes. Somebody who says I called once and I'm good. And if Hashem wants me to get out, I'll get out. I'm not criticizing such a person. To be clear, zero criticism or judgment of the person who says, I called once, I'm done, that's my hishtadlus, and now whatever Hashem wants to be. No criticism of such a person. They're entitled and it's beautiful and in some ways admirable. What I'm trying to say is, also no judgment and no criticism of the person who called over and over because that was reasonable effort in this circumstance. That was reasonable effort in this circumstance. And that was the point that I was trying to make, is that that was not a lack of emunah. What Why do I say that? Because what we always say is, excessive hishtadlus is a lack of emunah. Excessive initiative and effort is a failure to realize that Hashem can make anything happen, that Hashem is in charge and control, that we submit and surrender to him. Excessive emunah is a breakdown of emunah. How do you define excessive versus reasonable? Each circumstance is different. And in this war, I think Al Qaeda would tell you, I'm pretty sure they put out videos telling you that there's a new definition of reasonable initiative in this circumstance. And that was my point. So, I appreciate the email and it's definitely food for thought and I'm glad that it was written. So, no criticism of its author, but I still disagree. And one more email I was going to read, a hug from Hashem. Somebody was trying to schedule an IVF and it didn't work out when they wanted to, and then it did work out a little bit later and it turned out their husband is on miluim. And if the original schedule of the IVF had worked out, they would have been scheduled to have a baby while their husband wasn't home. and Hashem always had the plan, and his timing was right all along. And may Hashem be sure to have a lot of success, everything should be well and healthy and good, and she should be due exactly when her husband is home and when she'll need him. But it's another example, I guess it's bookends of the emails. We don't Hashem doesn't operate on our timetable. He's not on our schedule. So, when we zoom in the lens and we feel frustrated, when in that moment we feel, "Where are you and how could you and why?" realize he's not on our schedule, we're on his. And his schedule is much better for us than ours. Sometimes we see it, we learn it, we know it. We find a hundred-dollar bill in the middle of the street. It works out, we can look back and say, "Ah, that's why the timing. That's why the kidney came through now. That's why the IVF worked now. That's why sometimes we can put it all together, the picture becomes clear, and other times, and most of the time, it doesn't. But we should remember all along that it's all him orchestrating things on his timeline, not ours. Let's just learn a little bit so that we could say we opened the safer. I could borrow from page 27 of the Shulchan Aruch and be learning all about davening for not only davening for us. Davening for spirituality, not only davening for the mundane. Somebody wrote in a comment on our live stream, "I lost my wallet more than six times at home, at Walmart, and at Aldi." First of all, he's got to get an Apple uh What's it called? Apple tracker. Yeah. Oh, it was after my liver transplant that was done a couple months ago. I say Hashem. Okay. Hashem, be well, feel well, have strength, and chain your wallet to your belt. The angels say to the Almighty, "God, the verse appears in your Torah and it says shall upon the head. the verse describes God as somebody who doesn't take bribes. But you do. You do. You show favor. To whom do you show favor? To the planet. In the middle of when the give their they say they ask God to show favor. So which is a God? Do you show favor or not show favor? I'm a lamb. So I shall answer the almighty answer the angels. What can I do? What can I do? I shouldn't show favor to my children? Because in the Torah I said in the Torah the requirement I told them was when you eat and you're satiated you should bless me. Only when you eat enough that you're satisfied, you're satiated, only when you eat a requisite measure. But they're super strict. Normally your belly has to be full. Normally you have to an entire meal. Normally you have to be totally satisfied in order to be obligated to bench. And the Jewish people we took upon ourselves a stringency. We go further and even when we eat an olive worth, an egg worth, a little bite, a small amount of bread, even just for that we bench. So God says I'm not going to show them favor? That's what they do? I asked them only a little bit and they go all the way and I shouldn't show them favor? That's the Gamara. So says the understanding of the Gamara is the fact that we volunteered to bench even on so little as why what we're saying to God is that little amount that would have been good enough for me to say thank you. I'm going to keep eating. But that little amount I already ate, just on that alone is enough to bench and say thank you. I'm going to stop at the mall. What I have is what I need. I'm good to go. I want more, I'll work for more, I'm going to try to enjoy more, but even the little bit that I have is enough for me to say thank you. I'm satisfied. I'm going to bench. And that's what Hashem appreciates. When we live lives where we say, what I have. Remember we said last week, we get it backwards. When it comes to spirituality, we say, I'm good enough, I'm from enough, I'm religious enough, I'm observant enough. My shmone esrei is good enough. My davening is good. I'm good enough, good enough. And when it comes to our pursuit of gashmius, I need a nicer house, bigger house, a nicer car, the latest phone. I want to go away for Pesach, I need new dresses, new jewelry, new I need more. We get it backwards. It should be the opposite. When it comes to what I have, I'd like more, I'm going to work for it, but what I have is good. This is what Hashem wants for me. And when it comes to spirituality, I need to learn more, I need to daven better, I need to grow, I need to improve, I need to We get it backwards. We do it backwards. That's what we have to recalibrate. That again connects to this shabbos. When we're lost souls, when we have a vacuum and a hole in our hearts, when we're chasing and running after the wrong things, when we're defining our happiness by the wrong things, then we find ourselves doing the wrong things and in the wrong places, and unhappy and miserable. But if we pursue and chase and have ambition and drive for the right things, then we find meaning and purpose and joy and happiness. So that capacity to look and say, I'm not I work hard, I want and like nice things, and I want more of them. There's nothing wrong with that, but that doesn't define me. That's not who I am. It's not what my life is about, and that's not how I measure my happiness. How do we measure our happiness? By our net worth? A person's net worth is not their worth. told you a couple months ago how Elon Musk, who's on pace to become the first trillionaire, wrote on Twitter one line, "Whoever said money can't buy happiness is correct." with a sad emoji. The person on pace to become the first trillionaire, whose net worth is bigger than the GDP of most countries, says money can't buy happiness. Net worth is not a person's worth. A net worth doesn't buy happiness. There's nothing wrong with wanting to make it on the Forbes list. Nothing wrong with wanting to make it bigger than Elon Musk. Enjoy. Be your own. Try, work hard, have drive, have ambition, but that doesn't define, doesn't make you bigger or better or superior to others, and it's not going to give you happiness and joy and meaning and purpose and relationships, it's not going to take care of your health and your longevity. Don't ever confuse the two. That's what we spoke last time. Mishamaim mim'alah al arts mitachas. When it comes to the arts mitachas, when it comes to the earthly things, material things, look at who has less than you and be happy with what you have. Bashamaim mim'al, but when it comes to heavenly things, spiritual things, look at the people who have more than you and say, "I want more." I want more. I want to connect to davening. I want to live with such faith. I want to find that happiness and that inner satisfaction. I want to be more observant and more modest and take on more mitzvahs. I want more. We have to think where do we put our more? Wanting more is a good thing. Having drive and ambition is wonderful. How do we channel it? Where do we direct it? How do we apply it? What do we want more of? What's our ode? Azamer l'Elokai b'odi. I sing to God with my ode, with my more. What do I want more? More square footage? More sparkly jewelry? More followers and fans? What's my more that I want? Hashem, I want more of a relationship with you. I want more when it comes to Torah and mitzvahs and my neshama. Where is my more? So, Hashem looks down at us, says this Gemara according to Rav Dovid Abuhatzeira, and he says, "The fact I only required and demanded of you that you have to bench when? After you eat an entire meal, after you're satisfied and satiated, after you're full. But you Jewish people volunteered on yourselves that you'll bench even after all you have is a little olive worth a bite of bread? Because you are essentially declaring that even a bite of bread is enough to say thank you. Wow, how can I not show you favor? You get it. You get it. That's exactly what I'm getting at, says God. I want you to live in this world, enjoy the wonderful things, enjoy the beautiful things, enjoy. But don't ever make it your identity. Don't ever confuse it with who you are. Don't ever ever let it define your happiness because it doesn't buy and it doesn't bring. Some of the wealthiest people I know are some of the most unhappiest people I know, who have some of the most dysfunctional relationships I know. And some of the people who have the least material and physical things have the greatest health and the greatest happiness. They don't correlate. So, when we're thinking what defines us and how we pursue, what we're chasing after and what we let define us, choose carefully cuz it will determine your whole life and all of your happiness. That's also Pesach. All year long, enjoy your sourdough. You can feed it, nourish it, tuck it into bed, sing it a lullaby, take care of it, take out insurance on it. The way people talk about their sourdough starter, I I don't They don't talk about their children that way. There's I get more shylocks about We don't sell chametz. We don't really sell real chametz. But what about my starter? Is there an exception? Can I What do I do with my sourdough starter? What do we do with the sourdough starter? People love All year long, feed it, tuck it in, take care of it. Beautiful. Enjoy your sourdough starter all year all year long we eat chametz. All year long enjoy it. And then for 8 days we proved ourselves, you know what real freedom is? When we can enjoy just flour and water. Matzah. All week long, sugar. All year long rather, sugar and eggs and fruit juice and recipes and you know, we used to just have a challah. Now your challah, cinnamon and everything spices and what's the fancy one? Za'atar. Za'atar. Whoever grew up with a za'atar challah? You think the Chaim ever heard the word za'atar and challah in the same sentence? Today you sit down Friday night, which one should I Which of these deluxe fancy challahs am I meant to cut? Cuz if you cut the wrong one, pikuach nefesh shaila. You're going to be taking your life into your hands. Fancy. So all year long and some challahs are like a babka. I don't know if it's a dessert or the challah. It's like a chocolate babka with the chocolate chip and the cinnamon woven in between and it pulls and it stretches and it on all year long dive in delicious all year long indulge in your challahs and your za'atar and your everything and your cinnamon and your chocolate. 8 days we learn what's freedom? You know what freedom is? Matzah. You don't need leaven sweet fluffed up full of air bread. 8 days we learn, you know what freedom is? That I can live on matzah. That I can find happiness in matzah. That I'm a stop the bemoan. That I can bench on matzah. I can say thank you Hashem. Matzah. Just matzah. Some bread and water. So I'm happy. That's Pesach. Pesach Hashem doesn't say all year long you have to eat only only matzah. 8 days no chametz is the enemy. And 8 days we live on little to prove to ourselves who we are and what we are really all about. I want to wish everyone a chag kasher v'sameach. A happy a healthy a beautiful Pesach filled with Torah, and a good please stay. We're back to saying all of safer to hillim. If everyone stays, it will take literally a few moments. Take a booklet, a and a should hear Torah Yeshua's and Hamas.