The Most Dangerous Lie We Tell Our Kids

It is a braha to have parents who can tell you with love and affection. I admire, I love, I appreciate, but here's what you need to work on. I share it with love as a parent who loves you unconditionally and wants what's best for you. That's a braha. when you care enough to correct. Unlike the parenting in our time, the helicopter parenting and the bulldozer parenting and the trophy participation trophy parenting where every child is perfect, every child is excellent, every child is amazing. I shouldn't say this publicly because I see my mother walked in, but we were talking this past Shabas with my children. I was remembering what it was like when report cards came and how I rushed to the mail to preempt getting rid of them before my parents got them because you may find it hard to believe. I was not a good student at all. I was not a good student at all. And we're talking about what it was like parent teacher conference night. I remember that even though I stayed up late every night and had to fight about my bedtime, I was never ever my entire childhood awake once when my parents came home from parent teacher conferences. Somehow that night I found a way to be fast in a deep sleep before they got home because those were the days when parents came home from parent teacher conferences and they perhaps not my brother or sister but me perhaps approached the child to say we've got to talk today. Who's the one who sit there about parent teacher conference? Not the children, the teachers. Who's the one who wants to avoid the feedback and the rebuke and the criticism and the wrath of parents? Not the children, but the teachers. So, what's the evidence? How do we demonstrate we love our children? Not when we tell them they're perfect, they're amazing, they can't do any wrong. How could it be that my child is not exceeding expectations? How could it be that my child is not a superstar getting straight A's? How could it be my child didn't win the award and the trophy? But when a parent says, "You're amazing and I love you and Hashem loves you and you have so much worth worthwhile in you and I want to build up your self-worth and self-esteem and the way to do that is to tell you what you need to work on." That's what Yakov teaches us and our pass because the blessing the it is a to have parents who can tell you with love and affection. I admire, I love, I appreciate, but here's what you need to work on. I share it with love as a parent who loves you unconditionally and wants what's best for you. That's a braha. To tell your child they're perfect, they have nothing to work on. Everything's the teacher's fault. That's a parent who's a clala. That parent is a curse to the well-being and future of the child. And that's a critically important lesson from our par. I just paid a shiva call. A member of our community lost a brother last week. He just got up from Shiva. And he was one of 15 children. His mother from Iraq was one of 18 children. And I of course paid a Shiva call wanting to hear about the brother. But I said, "Really? Tell me about your mother. She raised 15 children. How? And they're all incredibly close and loving and the older take care of the younger. How? And he shared with me the most remarkable. She grew up in Iraq at a time. Women maybe weren't even incredibly educated or illiterate. She didn't read books or write books on parenting, but she intuited and she knew. A Jewish mama. She knew how to raise her 15 children. And he described cuz she knew and she loved everyone and respected and treated as they needed. And she would describe this brother, this sibling couldn't stand fish. So when he came home, she didn't make fish, not the smell of it. This one loved liver, always had liver waiting. This one, she'd say to the siblings, he's in the army. He needs a little extra attention right now. And therefore, don't be upset if I'm focusing on him. She communicated the differences and knew what every child needed. He told me that the most rowdy of the siblings who was a smoker one day they look outside and mom is in the backyard having a cigarette with this sibling. He said you don't smoke. She said yeah he needed to feel connected to feel vulnerable. I want him to feel comfortable. So I had a I'm not endorsing I'm not encouraging it was a different time but that's because that that man also told me that his mother told him you you need to work on your anger. you you need to improve on your patience. You she showered with love and affection which gave her license to also say here's what you need to work on.