Shabbos Shuva Derasha - What You Do is Who You Are (5781/2020)

everyone good evening good luck and thank you so much for joining us the annual shabbat show with russia in these most unusual pandemic times the opportunity through the use of technology to nevertheless be together is something that we don't take for granted i want to thank carmie gross for all of his help and assistance in being able to stream this we're so grateful to him also before we begin i want it from the bottom of my heart express gratitude my heart express my gratitude to the kohan and friedman families for the generous sponsorship of the shabashuva-drusha in memory of two extraordinary people in honor of helen cohen who's your site we just observed helen was an amazingly kind and giving person she was a quintessential mensch she was a selfless leader of our community and she stood for everything we're going to talk about tonight which is that actions speak louder than words she didn't just say but she taught by example and our drusha is as well in memory of rabbi simcha friedman allah shalom one of my mentors and teachers whose loss doesn't only continue to be felt by his family but by all who followed his lead his lead in torah's leading social action a person who taught us that words are never good enough we need to get up and speak out we need to take action in order to make a difference i hope and i pray that i and we are making them proud and that our divrei torah this evening should serve to serve their memory there's an amazing phenomenon in which each and every one of us in many ways serve as our own public relations firm our own public relations representative we're so concerned with the way that the world perceives us the people around us that we use our language and our speech we articulate and communicate in order to admit transmit what we claim to value what we claim to care about we preach we talk we forward we post we text we say what i want to talk about with you tonight is whether our actions are matching our words whether what we're doing is consistent with what we're saying as an observant community we talk about learning torah of expanding our mind of dedicating ourselves to learning to growing but do we just talk about it or are we doing it how much learning is in our schedule is in our day how much have we advanced and grown and what we know and what we believe in how we feel we talk about who in these six seven months hasn't read articles that pull and target our heartstrings hasn't forward videos or stories of ordinary people doing extraordinary things during this pandemic and we claim to value to care to place an emphasis on but do our actions match our words do we set aside time do we put others before ourselves and it's true in every aspect and area of life we talk about stakka but does our budget reflect our giving of stuka we talk about family but does our time allocation does our time management reflect that priority of family we talk about our health we talk about how grateful we are to be alive and the wake up call this pandemic has been to all of us that if we're not healthy and well then what do we have and yet and yet does our exercise and our eating habits do they reflect are caring about our health our spiritual i'm very spiritual rabbi if i had a dollar for every time i heard rabbi i'm very spiritual in my heart maybe you don't see me at davening maybe you don't see me davin but you should know in my heart i'm an incredibly spiritual person maybe you don't see my name on the list of of people who gave but really i'm in my heart i'm incredibly generous most recently not to touch a controversial topic but one we should all agree on that racism and social injustice and equality is wrong do we talk about the problem or do our actions match our words have we actually taken any real measurable steps to make a difference and to make an improvement are we just a hustler are we righteous in our heart or would others describe that we're righteous in our actions it's time that we put our actions where our words are because the message i want to communicate to you tonight to myself tonight is that what we do is who we are not what we want to do not what we claim to care about not what we wished we did not what we post or text or forward but ultimately what we actually do what our day looks like what our habits are how others perceive us what our brand is what we do is who we are if you're looking at the source sheets and they should be available online source on page number two source number one and i only allude to them you don't have to follow them inside if you don't have them but i saw an article and it made me realize that as much as we may look at this article and think that's ridiculous that's absurd that's not me it is exactly every one of us there is a controversial limb lengthening surgery that is on the rise particularly among men who want to be taller who want to eke out those extra few inches who want to realize that dream of dunking the basketball or making it to the wonderful six foot mark it's an expensive surgery seventy five thousand dollars and they put something in each of your legs and you twist it to grow a millimeter each day and you could add up to two or three inches and it's controversial because as you can imagine it's unhealthy it's foreign it's introduced to the body it's not who you are and as i read the article i laughed to myself because i said what kind of person what kind of people it's who you are it's the height that you are maybe you had to take a growth hormone as a child but once you've realized your maximum growth it's it it's ridiculous you're gonna put that in your bones but the answer is every one of us spiritually do the same exact thing we try to take a shortcut we try to sidestep growth we're not willing to put in the hard work we don't want our actions to reflect our words we just want to pay someone 75 000 make us look taller make me look like a taller husband or wife make me look like a taller mother or father make me look like a taller evid hashem make me look taller in my concern for the jewish people for equality in the world i'll pay you and make me look taller even if i'm more willing to put in the effort and to do the growth what i want to speak to you about tonight this time is running out until yom kippur but time is never running out to become who we're meant to be for the rest of this year and for the rest of our lives is to look in the mirror and to realize no more shortcuts and no more empty words and no more wanting to want no more wishes it's time to be the people we claim to want to be for our actions and our deeds for our lives to look like what we say we care about source number two the kimono rashford gamer tells us something that we've been putting into practice for over a week and we will put into practice beginning tomorrow night yom kippur for 25 hours hashem passed before moshe and he said understands this to me mikra kosovo talus like a hasin parenthetic rabbi salavichik understood from here that the uniform of ahazan is a talis kuresborohu is never obligated in the talus not during the day not at night not with four corners not with ten corners and yet because he wanted to appear the uniform of the seaboard is a talus which is wired by salvation felt the hazard wears a talus even for marv at night because it has nothing to do with day or night it has to do with the uniform the herald lamosha said he said moshe the people have done it again this incorrigible miserable abstinence stubborn rebellious people they've done it again they've been defiant of me but here's the deal as much as i've lost patience and as much as i want to wipe them out here's the secret you're ready hara lamosha he said moshe i'm about to provide you a formula and if you the people of anyone is defiant against me and i'm tempted to want to exact justice retribution punishment simply invoke this formula this is the secret locos whenever you make a mistake just pull it out whip out the formula you're going to be okay and that's why we say slichos we've been waking up early in the morning we stayed up late at night mozai shabbas last week that's why we've been saying sleekos and yom kippur niila a short time from now this our kodish will be open and over and over and over again as many and as much times as we can we will repeat this formula because hashem himself gave it to us he said look if you failed me here's what you have to say and i won't be able to help but to forgive you and rava yashaf is bothered in source number four but long before him the racist maharal and others were bothered i don't understand we know throughout the generation jews who said this formula and yet seemingly they weren't forgiven all wasn't okay so i thought if you say the formula all's all right and what kind of god can you violate or fail him imagine a relationship somebody hurts you but you say look no matter what you do to me no matter how badly you hurt me no matter how much you ignore me when you say this formula when you tell me how good i look how handsome i am how nice i am how proud you are of me i won't be able to help but to forgive you so if i ever seem really upset at you my kids i hope are not listening carefully or you can listen because it doesn't work if i ever seem really upset at you just tell me how good looking i am what a great dad i am how kind i am how smart i am and i won't be able to help but the free is the almighty so shallow that should work quotes it very beautifully they explain pay careful attention the gemara didn't say imrula funai all you have to do is say this formula go look at the gemara take a moment source two what does it say cosman we have to emulate the almighty talk is cheap there's no formula of words that work to make things okay actions speak louder than words step up behave demonstrate you feel bad demonstrate you're going to be different demonstrate you're going to walk in the shoes and the path following the model of the almighty not him rule the finale it's not good enough your kipper doesn't work slickers don't work if you come here even if you're on time even if you say it slowly even if you scream the loudest hashem if you go out and you're ruthless in business if you go out on your gossip if you go out and you look at it and say and listen to the wrong things if you don't make a barakah with deep appreciation to hashem if you're not ethical and moral you can scream the formula all you want but it doesn't say imro it says we have to live and be the formula the great muslim sausage was known by his hasidim to be exceedingly righteous and holy and there was a misnomed yank of the misnomer who was cynical and skeptical and he said to the hasidim of the sausage of muslim ye rebe he can't possibly be as holy as righteous as you claim he is so they said really come check him out he says i will salute his time he comes to shul early and he wants to watch the submission obsessive how is he going to dive in what level of concentration how will he penetrate and pierce the gates of heaven below and behold while yonko the misnomer is on time he looks all over and no rib shaleb the sausage is nowhere to be found so he turns to the hasidum and he says ha gotcha this great rebbe the rebbe so is so amazing i'm here he's not even here where is he and the seed say are the sausage late because he ascends high into the heavens to pray on behalf of the jewish people that's where he is so yonko the port of the miss naged yanko the great synagogue and skeptic says you know that's where they think he is i'll prove them wrong he wakes up early the next morning and he comes to the home of a motionless suspect and he stands outside and hides in the bushes pretty sketchy but for the story and he says let me prove he's just sleeping in he's lazy he's sitting at his table he's drinking coffee he's reading the paper he's not ascending on high he struggles with being on time like the rest of us there's nothing so righteous of a martial absolver but instead when he gets to early the next morning he finds that the rebbe wakes up and he walks out of his house with a bundle of food and an axe and he's dressed like a peasant and he makes his way to the woods all while humming and mumbling and in the woods he takes the axe and chops down trees and he blinks them into blocks of wood and he carries them to a raggedy old decrepit home and he knocks on the door and answers an old widow and he says to her i've brought you firewood she says thank you but i can't possibly pay you he said don't worry i'll put it on an account you'll pay me when you can he said i also brought you some food she said thank god i'm so hungry i have nothing to eat but then she turns to what she thinks is this peasant and she says could you do me a favor and could you put the wood in the fireplace could you start the fire for me i'm too old i can't bend down i can't do it and yonko the miznaget watches ezra mushroom sausage with his great hasidah this sadiq bends down and places the firewood piece by piece lovingly in the fireplace and as he does he says runs to shul he runs to shul they say where were you he says i was following your ebba i was following your ebba and you were right he ascends high high into the heavens if not even higher because yonko understood because rama shall absolve understood not him don't just talk the talk walk the walk our actions have to speak louder than our words what we do is who we are and what muslim was not a laboratory this is in fact i only discovered it this year this is codified as the chabad page number four on the top reference from the sikhos of the admirable minute we have some wonderful righteous laboratories as part of our show venus our diversity and our unity and i've always noticed they're punctual they're punctilious they're vigilant they're careful they're not at any slikhas i know that because they come to my chakras early for chakras but late for saliko's never catching up and i always wondered what's why isn't chabad saying slichus because before rosh hashanah you talk the talk you articulate and you bring out and open who we want to be we articulate our dreams our hopes our aspirations but seriously may chuva is not time for talk it's time to walk the walk because what you do is who you are the rabbi writes this in a letter in 1967 and the question of the customer not saying after some gadayah illuminating cinema that said like the effect of the days between hashem and kippur are time for action the meaning of this is that the verbal prayers of sleekos should be reflected in actual deeds during these days and in growing measure not in quality but also in quantity the rebel is that if you have a half hour extra in the morning don't say don't imrula ya go help someone go do khasi go learn a little bit of more torah go do something right and go do something righteous now that's not our minha by our i mean popular ashkenazi custom because we believe that we can both say slikhos as well as emulate the slikhos af shalaka islam we try to do both we say the formula of slichos and we also try to perform and demonstrate that that's who we are we're also that we are slow to anger that we are forgiving that we don't bear a grudge that we let things go that we're going to see the best in others we're not just going to say this formula and ask hashem to judge us in this way but that's how we're going to interact with others as well it's a very difficult time these last seven months and i know when i look back even in recent history i have failed to give others the benefit of the doubter to realize others are doing the best they can and to remember that these 10 days let him do the judging he doesn't need our help it's very very hard i've pointed out in several different occasions because anybody who doesn't approach this pandemic the way we do if they're a little more lenient a little more strict we think they're crazy in both directions and we can't help but feel a sense of judgment you know we have to recognize the people around us they're doing the best they can and our rabbis are doing the best they can and our educators and our teachers are doing the best they can and if we want hashem to be forgiving and forbearing foreboding with us if we want hashem to not bear a grudge to look the other way and to recognize and respect that in complicated and emotional and difficult times we're doing the best he can then we have to be willing as hard as some people make it we have to be willing to emulate and imitate hashem we have to be rahul khannan we have to be erak i am slow to anger we have to practice what we preach and not just say that formula but live it carl jung said you are what you do not what you say it you'll do so saying slikhos is lovely but you are not what you say you'll do the reality of who you are and how you're perceived and how you are judged and how others relate to you is not based on what you say you'll do but rather by what you do and what i want to communicate to you tonight is that this is a fundamental axiom this is a foundational concept of all of judaism the judaism is a religion of deed not of creed that in the end of the day what we believe and what we feel they're important but they pale in comparison to what we do that we are measured and evaluated that we are perceived by our actions that talk is cheap the one who articulated this perhaps most clearly is the author of the kusari review levy there's not time to review the extraordinary history in the background the historical history of the kusari i want to recommend everyone my dear father rav daniel carrapkin's book his translation of kuzari and its introduction by feldheym is outstanding but the kuzari is a story of the kaisar king which historians have actually accumulated evidence to show that the story happened this is a true story it's not fiction in order to be able to communicate a philosophy in a book there was a king of the khazars and the king of the kazaars had a dream it's in source number seven it wasn't written it was written in arabic and translated into the hebrew and the hebrew into the english so even the hebrew is reading a translation and the king communicates he had a dream several times kilometers as if an angel had come to him vomilo and his angel said kavanaugh tsuya it's the angel appears in a dream over and over and says to him that your intentions they're good you've got the right intentions you have the right thoughts you have lovely attitudes but your actions your deeds they're all wrong so the quesar king has this recurring dream of this angel telling him nice try you have good intents but you're all wrong and he interviews four clerics four clergy men in order to try to investigate what is the authentic and true religion and review da levy in fact communicates the approach and the attitudes of others the muslim the representative of islam of christianity the philosopher and ultimately the bulk as you would imagine and why i'm quoting it is the rabbi who communicates the torah philosophy the philosophy of ravi now the kuzari is a polemic against the philosopher because the philosopher's attitude is in the bottom paragraph of page five we won't read it inside where he says you don't have to worry about specific dogma don't worry about the rituals the actions don't worry about ceremonies don't worry about laws and behaviors don't worry about what you do just worry about what you believe your philosophy has to be correct your philosophy of life your attitude your approach in life that's all that matters and the kusari is a polemic against that philosopher what are you talking about what are you talking about i mean again let's just relay it very realistically to real life my child says to me i love you thank you so much could you set the table actions aren't important what matters is i'm telling you that i love you oh that's so nice but could you help me with i don't have time i can't help you but i'm telling you i love you in real relationships in real life in every sphere and arena of our lives we know that talk is cheap we measure what someone tells us they feel by what they do because what they do is who they are and the same is true in our relationship with hashem with the almighty hashem i love you i love you inshul i love you i love you in the be i love you on your kipper but when it's over and i want to go back to the life that i want i want life that conforms with my desires my needs my wants my pleasure i will tell you that i believe in you i'll tell you that i love you i'll tell you that i'm here to advance your mission in this world but does what we do measure what we say so the kusari raviu da levi over and over again talks about no talk is cheap it's action that speaks louder than words though what matters is not what we say but what we do that judaism is a religion of deed not of creed we have 613 mitzvahs that translate into so many more and that then form and legislate every moment of the day from when we wake up till we fall asleep and by the way that's not all there for him god doesn't benefit by our applying his vision for our lives for whom did he design it for us our life is richer and better more meaningful and purposeful more filled with happiness and joy in every which way when we simply live what he asked us to do it's not for him it's for us and the measure of our relationship and attitude to him is not in our words and it's not in our heart it's not even in our head it is in our hands it's in what we do because what we do is who we are source number eight it's a unbelievable you shall me it says this god says if i had a choice if i have a choice between they're believing in me or they're doing what i ask which does god prefer i'd rather they do what i ask than that they believe in me i'd rather my child not tell me how they feel about me but demonstrate their commitment loyalty and listening to me and hashem says the exact same thing i'd rather you keep all of mitzvos and be an atheist and deny him here because if you do the mitzvahs you'll come around then if you say you're a believer and i have faith and i love except for this and that and the other thing which don't really fit in and they're not really so convenient they're not so comfortable and it's not really what i want to do if given a choice between the two hashem tells us clearly you know why because you measure someone's relationship with you not by what they say but what they do by what they do which is why the rambam understands the mission of pirkei elvis in the third parak hakola firov hamas that everything is according to the preponderance of works the massive has to be meruba mecha so what we do has to be more than what we even know or believe or say the rama says because of that i have a choice if i can give a hundred dollars to one person for stukka or i can give one dollar to a hundred people for taco which should i do now if you would have asked me that's a great question it's a great question sit and talk about with your family or guests once we'll be able to have them again what would be better a hundred dollar check to one or one dollar checks to a hundred i might have thought i can have a bigger impact the hundred dollar check will make more of a difference what does a dollar do and the ram says yes maybe vis-a-vis the recipient there's something to talk about but for you as the giver lefira of ma means the more that you do the more that you will impact your heart the more it says about who you are so don't just do one act of giving yes even if it's a bigger amount you gave even the denomination is a hundred times the one it's only one act and once you've done it you're done but a hundred times here's a dollar and a dollar and a dollar and a dollar and a dollar and i am transformed i am transformed from having taken an action a hundred times i'm transformed by demonstrating what i believe a hundred times by putting into practice by practicing what i preach by my actions being louder than words and every other cliche that you know pasha's not sovereign source number eleven torah says we have the struggle maybe among you there's somebody there's a poison there's a contamination there's a challenge and what is that poison what is that contamination listen to this kotzker the passage says the bill vavo you'll be blessed in your heart you know what the poison is when you think that all that matters is what's in my heart this barik bilvavo yakshi natse rabbi i know you never see me volunteer or show up or give but i have a really good heart you don't know my heart but my heart is really good kind caring i know you don't see me at davening i never come to learn i never participate in classes but you should know i'm amazingly spiritual in my own way says the kotzker this is a poisonous thinking this is a dangerous way of thought because your heart is not what counts and matters now to be clear ahmad alibaba of course hashem cares what's in our heart we also can't do empty gestures they have to be filled with sincere intent but if all that there is is what's in your heart in your heart you're a big bout stalker but according to the irs you're a greedy stingy selfish oyster in your heart you're a big balchased but according to the khasid committee you never lift a finger in your heart you have the best dream and vision of the mother father husband or wife that you could be but if you ask your children or your spouse it's only in your heart it never makes its way to your hands the don't be satisfied and don't stop don't just dream and aspire don't have all the right intent and feelings in your heart you will suffer the dream of the kazaar king that your intent is wonderful it's lovely it's good it's right but your actions are all wrong and in a choice between the two and the conflict between the two which is the real loss the real loss is not what we preach the real loss is not what we dream the real loss is now what we fantasize in the real losses now what's in our heart the real loss is what our calendar and our budget to what our spouses and our children to our colleagues our peers and our friends that's what the school called nigeria appeals says about you that's the real you not what you preach and not what you post and not what you retweet and not what you comment and not the videos that you watch and not the tears that run from your eyes when you watch them the real you is do they translate into action do you step up the real you is not i heard a great russia it was so inspirational it's tomorrow or tonight did you open a safer did you spend a few more moments with a member of your family did you go online and give according to the capacity that you could give the real you is not what you say and it's not what you believe and it's not what you feel what you do is who you are the final according to most was shown in the tenth and final test of avraham was the al-qaeda why does god test any of us why does he push us in a corner why does he box us in because he loves us that's a funny kind of love if you love me let things go easy remove the tests and obstacles let me enjoy life what kind of love is that so the ramban writes famously source number fourteen that the purpose and the goal of a test is to take you men we have potential inside us none of us even know about none of us know about those of you who are doing the zikru program of the daf would you have dreamt that you'd know brachos and shabbos and half of aravind by heart at the start we have all kinds of potential intellectually emotionally spiritually and physically people who've lost enormous weight people who can run and break records in their running time they never dreamt they could we have enormous potential but you know what takes for a person to be willing to change their health and wellness often it's a health scare it's a messiah and it's a test it is the test that rocks you that shakes you and that causes you to dig deep and take it from the potential to the real but and a kawahalapo was a phrase i've known for many years and taught for many years but when i look back at this i saw it continues not just the goal of the test being boxed in and cornered in and forced in in a crisis in these last six seven months how many of us have learned and seen and realized new things about ourselves we never knew we never knew who knew who knew that we would be able to enjoy the company who knew a project that we took on who knew a new skill that we adopted who knew the patience it would take who knew the kind of vigilance that we'd be able to show we're all learning things from the tests that we've endured but the ramban writes you know why leo because hashem doesn't want it to remain in our potential he doesn't want it to stay inside our heart we're sitting there asleep latent he wants it to come alive he wants it to come out he wants it to be realized ultimately when we will get up there we will not be evaluated by our heart but rather by our actions they don't review and shamai in your facebook wall or your twitter profile they don't look at your whatsapp status they don't look at what you forwarded what you posted what you cried at they look at what you did and the same is true with our families and friends with our community the community did you show up these last six six seven months were you consumed by your self-interests by your needs by your comfort or did you extend yourself to others did you extend yourself to the community did you come back to be a strong community because talk is cheap actions speak louder our words are what matter they say everything about who we are and what ultimately we are about what ultimately we are about the nestaros the hidden things skip the page page nine anistaros i love this pasta i love this plastic and it can be interpreted in so many ways and we don't have the time tonight for parashant but i encourage you to go look and investigate the different analyses and interpretations of this passage in the one i want to share with you a little bit alluded to in rabindra baha'i you know who knows what's in your heart only hashem but when it comes to the rest of us and when it comes to your children haniglos what you do what's revealed your actions the nistaros what's hidden what's hidden what's in your heart is known only to god ha niglos what is revealed that's what's known to the rest of us your head and your heart they're only as good as your hands the hidden thoughts and feelings they're nice but in the end of the day if they don't translate into action into doing then what are they worth they sit and they belong only to the almighty they said and they belong only to god there's an amazing article from 1977 i was three years old when it came out and i remember when i read it then it was amazing it moved me so deeply and i said one day i'm going to share it in a shabbat show with russia page 10 source 17 i didn't know i would need glasses then in order to be able to read it now william galen professor of clinical psychiatry columbia university at least at a time wrote an article that likely would not appear today in an era and a generation of helicopter parenting in a time in which we excuse even the most heinous crimes we explain it was their background it was their upbringing it's their genetics it's their circumstance nobody today is responsible for anything they do not the child in the classroom it's the teacher's fault not the child and not the criminal and not the heinous uh person who who perpetrates a horrific crime we have an extraordinary and remarkable way today to analyze and investigate and then excuse everyone no they're upbringing their circumstance what they were born into who they are the limits against them the biases against them and i doubt this article could ever be printed certainly not in that newspaper today and listen to a little bit of what he says he writes few of us are prepared to substitute an x-ray of grandfather's head for the portrait that hangs in the poller he's responding to his colleagues at the time psychoanalysis and psychology psychiatry trying to discover what's inside the person let's explain their motivation let's understand where they're coming from and therefore really even if their actions are bad they're a good person with bad actions because of certain things in their background or in their life and he writes few of us are prepared to substitute an x-ray of grandfather's head for the portrait that hangs in the parlor the inside of the man represents another view not a truer one a man may not always be what appears to be but what he appears to be is always a significant part of what he is a man is the sum total of all of his behavior to probe for unconscious determinants of behavior and then define him in their terms exclusively ignoring his overt behavior altogether is a greater distortion than ignoring the unconscious completely you are what you pretend to be which is another way of saying you are what we perceive you to be not what you think you are he writes i will not be told that the young man who earns his pocket money by mugging old ladies is really a good boy even my generous and expansive definition of goodness will not accommodate that particular form of self-advancement it does not count that beneath the rough exterior he has a heart or for that matter an entire innards of purest gold locked away from human perception i don't care on historio slash kenu i don't care that boy who picked pockets in order to have spare change i don't care that he's got a heart of gold underneath i don't care what all the psychoanalysis will reveal what i care is what he does what i care is what he does you are for the most part what you seem to be not what you would wish to be nor indeed what you believe yourself to be spare me therefore your good intentions your inner sensitivities your unarticulated and unexpressed love and spare me those tedious psycho histories which by exposing the goodness inside the bad man and the evil and the good invariably establish a vulgar and perverse egalitarianism as if the arrangement of what is outside and what is inside makes no moral difference i don't care to learn that hitler's heart was in the right place a knowledge of the unconscious life of the man may be an adjunct to understanding his behavior it is not a substitute for his behavior in describing him and listen to how he concludes the inner man is a fantasy if it helps you to identify with one by all means do so preserve it cherish it embrace it but do not present it to others for evaluation or consideration for excuse or excupation or for that matter for punishment or disapproval like any fantasy it serves your purposes alone it has no standing in the real world which we share with each other those character traits those attitudes that behavior that strange and alien stuff sticking out all over you that is the real you how many of us are walking around with fantasies about who we are i'm an amazing husband i'm an amazing father i give an amazing amount of stucco i'm so devoted to the community i'm an amazing professional i'm an amazing learner i'm an amazing governor they're fantasies and if they work for you enjoy lean in but they reflect and they bear nothing on the real world on his sorrows that's between you and god and when you get upstairs he'll let you know whether your fantasies were true but how neglos when it comes to lana hula von nenu when it comes to the rest of us the neglos what you do is who you are how you spend your time whether you're early on time or later don't come to davening whether you talk whether you read or whether you put your heart on your move to talk to the creator that is who you are not the spirituality you claim to have in your heart you're devoted to torah you know that it nourishes the soul and it is what is responsible for jewish continuity you believe it is the word of god lovely when is the last time you opened the safer when is the last time you made a seam when is the last time you participated in a sheer what you do is who you are not what you say or the fantasy that you continue to carry with you the funny mirror that you look into that makes you look what you'd rather look like not what you really appear to be if you look in a safer torah even in these sour sheets on safaria the dots on top of the words haniglos they appear in the safer torah and niglos there are dots on top of la nu uliva nenu and it occurred to me perhaps the dots are there to teach us in emphasis torah is telling us that liva nenu your children ultimately will not turn out by what's nestaros your children are not going to emulate or imitate their shabbos table their daily life and their lives will not look like what's hanistaros it will not reflect what's in your heart it will not reflect the fantasy that's in your head but if you care about your children and you care about their having rich jewish lives and you care about your continuity and your enoch then you know us not by han estarros but by han niglos by what we do because what we do is who we are our children don't learn from our words they learn from our actions and they need to see us joyous and happy and excited while we do it they need to observe the enthusiasm that we have for being a jew the pride for living rich jewish lives that is who we are not the fantasy it's time to put the fantasy to bed it's time to look not in a funny mirror but a real mirror an accurate mirror that will reflect what we look like so we can make the changes that'll turn us into the people that we want to be perceived as and that is the purpose of vidui starting tomorrow night on yom kippur minha tomorrow afternoon we'll begin reciting the vidui the we've already started the ashami bagadnu and in source number eighteen of salavatrix says why does v dua have to be out loud the raman says you know if vedo is in your heart doesn't work vedo is in your heart it's a failed vedoi didn't work you haven't been out in the midst of shubha viduay has to be with your mouth you have to articulate it out loud you know why because in your heart it's a fantasy dvaramsha believe inam devarim the things in your heart are not real dvaram should believe a namdhvaram the fantasy in your heart that dream and aspiration that want to want that bears no reflection on the reality of who you are aina varem wake up it's not who you are it's not how we know you to be when you never help us when you never answer the call when you never step up for the community you're not community minded when you sit in judgment of others because of the yamako or the hat they wear where they send the kids to school or the behavior of a part of the community you're not a no avistral when you make no time for torah learning when you don't invest in understanding and appreciating and being moved by dominating then you're not a spiritual person those are fantasies dwarim should believe the things in your heart ain't varying ask your kids ask your friends in a moment of truth in a real safe space they will tell you a number that your words don't match your actions they are worthless and that's why the veto has to be out loud if it's only in our heart enum dwarf is a fantasy that we're willing to admit well we're going to engage for 25 hours yom kippur we're going to strip away the layers of lies that we tell ourselves and we're going to finally look into that mirror we're going to recite those dvaram out loud we're going to articulate those dreams and then we're going to make the actions count match because what we do is who we are the rav writes in source 18 reverse we don't have time in source 19 but the goal and the purpose of to look in the mirror and to be truthful and honest with ourselves vedoi is a powerful powerful responsibility to face who we really are okay we'll read a little bit feelings emotions thoughts and ideas crystallize only after explicit verbal expression a man knows and thinks many ideas which he cannot bring to his lips man can construct many psychological defenses within himself refusing to acknowledge hearts reality you know what we do we read the archetypes and we're like it's true i didn't make it to school so often but i'm up so late at night and i do so much of this and i do so much of that i'll hate it's true that i speak gossip but not nearly as much as this guy or this woman i know she gossips like crazy my gossip is only when it was really necessary and i'd say it in front of the person and everybody really knows it about them already next whatever with every ache is the defense attorney within us who the prosecutor says and the defense attorney within us is already giving the greatest offense yeah i got to go through these motions at zum kippur i want to feel good about myself so i say the achievement you and i both know compared to her i'm not so bad compared to him ahmatsadik the defense attorney is working overtime inside us because that conversation happens inside ourselves it says the rav dharmasha believes when we bring it out loud when we have to confront him when it comes to david shabollah olam now now it's a real reverse the first step of chuba the most essential the same time the most difficult is confession his vader when the torah talks about confession it doesn't use the word vidue it says his vader you know why refursh not surprisingly is focused on the grammar hitpael to whom is the admission you think you got to admit to god god is better than google satellite and google earth god is better than siri god is better than amazon echo god is better than every device in your home and around the world he is listening in and recording and watching everything you don't have to admit to him he's got it all on file to whom is the admission the video that his vader reflexively is to admit to ourselves this is not for god this is for us to be the better people we need to be you know often when i'm counseling a couple in distress or crisis and we've identified challenges in each partner in the in the relationship and some of the things that they need to work on and improve and do better i will always say even though i hope that it will be reconciled and they'll be able to realize their best selves together i always say don't do this for her don't do this for him because if you don't make it and if this relationship doesn't last to be the best people you need to be individually to have the best hope of relationship with someone else down the line to be the best parent to your children you need to grow in this area anyway so don't make an admission and don't make a confession and don't seek help or support or make a change for another do it for yourself and that says rehearsals why veto is not video it's his vada we're not admitting to god he already has it all on file we are admitting to ourselves look in the mirror and admit how much do you really care how much do you really do how much do you really give how much do you really show up how much are you really focused on killing it in rookies as much as augustinians as enjoying the spiritual world as much as you're nourished from the physical world as being thought of in spiritual terms and not only physical ones his vadets the admission we make to ourselves says the rav in source twenty page twelve that's why that's why in the basa niktas in the mishkan the kior the laverne where the khan and him would wash the base was made out of mirror and it was placed right next to the mizbeh the holy altar where the carbanos were offered and moshe was repulsed and he said god i can't accept that these mirrors they reflect the vanity of the women they beautified themselves they attracted their attention of their husbands that should be in the holy next to the mizbeach absolutely not and the message tells that corrects moshe and he says you've got it all wrong they are the holiest object that's exactly where they belong and we all know the insight that talks about because those mirrors are os i know a lot of women had the optimism when the men gave up it's all true it's a beautiful pesach var torah but for rosh hashanah i want to tell you a different one says the rav you know why those mirrors are next to the mizbayach what is the mizbayah it's where you offer your carbon and what is the carbon it's where you want to come karov it's where you want to draw up close and if you want to get close to another you know what you need to do first you got to stop and look in the mirror on the way to stepping up to the mizbeh on the way to leaning in to draw close to another stop and look in the mirror because that's who you are not who you fantasize knew you are not in your heart who you are not in your head who you are not who you talk who you are who you appear in the mirror is who you are to everyone else and if you want to draw close then stop and look in the mirror because what we do is who we are i've shared before a story of hasidis once walking with his hasidim it's probably in south florida because it began to rain so the rabbit stops he's got an entourage of all the rabbits stops he looks up he turns to his hasidam and he says do you know how i know the sky wants to rain they look kind of puzzled peculiar question and he says because it's raining and they continue the walk like every hasidation story one is so brazen and bold he approaches the rebel later on the walk and he says what in the world did that mean do you now you know the sky wants to rain because it's raining and the rebbe explained if you want to know if someone wants to do something then simply see what they're doing because what we're doing actually says everything about what we want see most of us confuse what we claim we want to do with what we want to want to do i want to want to be the person who finishes shots i want to want to be the big bad sucker i want to want to be the person who does it i want to want to be the parent who's always around and helpful and involved and plans great activities and is emotionally available i want to want but you know how you know what someone really wants by what they're doing you know you know the sky wants to rain because it's raining you know what someone really wants by what they're doing do you know how you know if somebody really wants to do chesad by if they're doing khaseed you now you know if somebody really wants to give stakka by if they're giving stucco if their name is included in the list if we act if we act like each of this is up to us 22. it's up to us the world is equal scales this next action that we take you know what's going to tip the scale you know what's going to solve poverty inequality racism you know it's going to overcome anti-semitism you know what's going to move the needle on assimilation and into marriage and jewish continuity not all all the best thoughts in the world all the greatest fantasies in the world all the best ideas in the world will do bubkus nada garnished nothing do you know what will move the bill on any of those things that we claim to care about getting up and doing something not wanting to want to do something but wanting to do something don't want to give stuck a gift stucco don't want to do ghastly volunteer don't want to learn torah start learning torah don't want to be more spiritual start talking to god don't want to be close to your grandparents call them more often because what we do is who we are this is articulated very powerfully in a book called the culture solution source 23 and 24 i quote to you just a couple of pages from this book we have a chapter where he talks about what's your brand what's your brand if i sat your internal customers down in a focus group setting and started asking questions about your work your participation as a team member what would they tell me about you what would be the common theme what brand would we fall upon some people have a brand of being the first person to leave every day that's their brand they may not even know it but that's the thing that others think about it when it comes to mind other people have a brand for always making it happen anyone who's ever had a personal assistant knows how important this quality is once you pass something off to your assistant you want to never have to think about it again when you first start working with someone you ask them to circle back with you and let you know but that person really good their job over time you just trust them so products and companies have brands but so do people so do people we can surprise and delight our boss the people we lead other team members customers the whole marketplace and so on when we talk about a brand we talk about nike and coca-cola and we talk about whatever brand you're into brand loyalty and brand emotional what is the brand message are they on brand but you know not only do products and services have brands so do we as people turn the page everybody has a brand some people's brand is he's always late and other people's brand is she's always so helpful or she's always the first to leave he's such a hard worker she's so committed the list goes on everybody has a personal brand what do you want yours to be some people over commit and under deliver their brand becomes unreliable some people crush whatever project you give them that becomes their brand and every team has that person who wants the ball in those last seconds when it matters most when one shot is the difference between winning and losing michael jordan not lebron james the person who always comes through and it really matters that is his personal brand most people's personal brand is developed by default it just happened they didn't set out to create that brand it just happened but you know knowing what your personal brand begins with having self-awareness many people think i'm the hardest worker i'm their late hours but if you actually punched a clock what would it say about what time you leave because the way others perceive you is not what you think in your heart what is our brand and did we craft and mold that brand did we think about that brand have we dedicated time in our life to achieve being thought of in that brand did we choose that brand or is that default is that brand who we became business spend billions of dollars creating and perpetrating perpetuating their brand the least you can do is be intentional about it where do you start and he writes more and more go to the last paragraph whatever you want your brand to be write it down read it every day and do at least one thing every day to demonstrate that brand what do you want your brand to be as a husband or wife are you a good listener a terrible listener do you make time or you never have time are you helpful or are you self-centered what kind of spouse do you want to be what do you want your brand to be you know when you think about it i'll tell you when i think about it every funeral i attend and you hear the description of the deceased and you say that was their brand that was their brand because the themes emerge out of out of hispay them eulogies at a funeral when every grandchild says you know i never saw my grandfather get angry he never raised his voice and he always had time for me then that was his brand and when you meet with the family before the funeral and you're like what should i say you have any redeeming things they're like you cared about family i guess then that was the brand i guess was the brand what do we want our brand to be vis-a-vis the people around us great brands are always before us i've often wondered what would happen if coke stopped advertising for a year they would save billions but would people drink less coke one year who knows i'm certain that brand and sales will take a hit keep your brand in front of people every day what do we want our brand to be in front of the people around us in front of the people that we care about and here's how you know your brand page 16. peter drucker the great management guru has an amazing quote you should cut this out and put it on your mirror your dashboard the top of your computer tell me what you value and i might believe you but show me your calendar and your bank statement and i'll show you what you really value tell me what you value sit at a shabbos meal go for a walk meet for a cup of coffee tell me what you value i guess i'll believe you but come and show up with your calendar and your bank statement and i'll show you what you really value what do our bank statements show where does our money go what do we place a premium on things or experiences people or objects the community or ourselves advancing our soul or nourishing our body our finances and our budget will reveal and whether you're a billionaire a millionaire or struggling to get by look at your credit card statement and you'll know a lot about who you are and what you value and the same is true with your calendar the kind of spouse the kind of parent the kind of hashem the kind of community member you claim to be you want to look in the mirror look at your schedule and your calendar and you know now technology has given us a gift or curse of being able to do it the picture in the bottom of page 16. because now i think on an android too but certainly on an iphone you can look at your screen time oi leo madina liam our phone has become a muscle schmooze against us rabbi i don't have time i wish i could come to the class i wish i could attend this year i wish i could show up and help you put the tags in the seats for you i'm kipper i wish i had time can i borrow your phone for one second i just want to check your social media time usage i just want to check your netflix time usage would you mind if i just look at how much time you spend surfing the web how many things you looked at but didn't even buy on amazon and then tell me again what you didn't have time for for your family or for the community or for yourself or for your soul or for your health and wellness tell me what you value and i might believe but show me your calendar and your bank statement let me look through what apps you have and which are used most let me see your screen time and i'll tell you exactly who you are because what we do is who we are not what we believe not what we feel and not what we say the mishnah and more my teachers say there are two types of people there are the people who talk a big game talk talk talk talk talk and you know they will always under produce and there are the people who are more they say so little vase and they let their action do the talking for them what's your brand what's your brand do you over promise and under deliver or do you under promise and over deliver when it comes to your kids and when you'll be home and what you'll do and what it'll be like when it comes to your spouse when it comes to the bonus shalom when it comes to you and your neshama do you over promise and under deliver is that your brand or do you under promise and over deliver and more ma'atv and that your brand which are you which are you i saw a modern poet who wrote a great quote when all is said and done more is always said than done when all is said and done more is usually said than done don't let that be your brand more said than done let your brand be more is done than said step up rabbiniona their rights when it comes to a friend when you promised that friend did you over promise and under deliver i'll pick that up for you i'll show up i'll help you i'll be on time we'll get that done are you a timely punctual person is your word your bond do you follow through on what you said you were going to call back or text back or make that connection do you over promise and under deliver or under promise and over deliver what is your brand because what we say is who we are is who we are so i want to apply it in our closing minutes in a few areas of our lives that this be the year that we stop talking and start doing that we stop fantalizing and stop really start realizing that we stop making promises and we start delivering that what we do reflects the best of who we want to be and who we really are in the area of emunah these six seven months have taught us wall street journal had a great article i didn't put it in the source sheets the explosion of the return to prayer in these six seven months proving true the statement there's no atheist in a foxhole as we've all gone through this crisis and been desperate for support and foundation for faith people have turned to prayer what is our amuna what is our relationship with hashem look like do we talk about it i'm a religious jew i'm a righteous jew i'm an observant i'm a torah jew i believe in do hashem just turn the pages do we just say the words have we actually had a conversation with our creator do we invest in our relationship with him do we confide in him do we tell him things we tell no one else do we trust him in ways we trust no one else do we feel his presence in our life his love and his support his guiding hand in his loving embrace do we know that he's always in the room with us when we're choosing what to watch and what to say and when we need a lift up and a pick-me-up there was once a great tightrope walker there were apparently a lot of great tight rope walkers because i've told a few tightrope stories this ello and he stood over an enormous valley and a rope stretched across it in front of a crowd of people and he said i can walk across this tightrope who believes me do you believe me about half the crowd raised their hand and said we believe so he walked across the tightrope and he came back and he turned to the crowd and he said i can walk across a blindfolded who believes me and one quarter of the crowd said no 75 believed him so he blindfolded himself and he walked back and forth and he was able to do it and he said i can push a wheelbarrow across the tightrope and back who believes me at this point he's done two amazing feats and is up to 75 so he says who believes me i could push a wheel barrel across the tightrope and back and this time a hundred percent of the hands go up and they say we believe you so the tyrant walker says great who wants to get in and no hands stay up my friends are we willing to get into the wheelbarrow of the almighty do we believe him when we need him or do we pay him lip service hashem doesn't want us to just talk to talk he wants us to walk the walk in our relationship with him don't just say you believe in hashem act like it demonstrate it if you're anxious and angry if you're envious and arrogant that you've not made room for hashem in your life but if you realize that hashem is always here and everything's for a purpose and a reason and i have what i need and what i deserve and what's right for me i'll never be envious or jealous of someone else i'll never get angry when things don't go my way because they're the way they were meant to be demonstrate the amuna get in the wheel barrel don't just talk to talk walk the walk make it real it's what hashem told motion the jewish people the bear beneath you so stop davening mata sake lie why are you just darkening stop talking and start walking and it occurred to me that we use an expression do you believe in god i believe in god don't believe in god believe god because god told you he loves you and god told you he cares about you and god told you he's with you stop believing in god and believe god because he believes you and he believes in you does our lives reflect such a life of emunah torah you talk about learning torah we're going to be judged tomorrow night and monday but we're going a litany of questions and the second on them is kavat hashem says okay here's a list of things that you said now let's evaluate is what you did match what you said were you faithful in your business dealings which means twofold were you honest in business did you have integrity in business or did you set aside moral and ethics in total were you ruthless in business but it also means did you trade in your amuna was the moon just a vehicle for superiority and for religious righteousness did you do business with emunah or was the moon a real did you get in the wheelball cavata torah did you set aside time for torah learning when you get upstairs you could tell hashem all the fantasy in the world about how much you value torah but if your calendar and your schedule and what you know doesn't reflect torah then you don't really value it it's an amazing story it's page 18 source 29 i'm not going to take the time now you can read it on your own rabbi fran now that's a plan and did you make a plan do you have a plan to accomplish in torah by next rosh hashanah what's the goal what masekto will you make a seem on i attended a scene in the backyard socially distanced recently of a neighbor who had never made a see him in his life even though he attended yeshiva his whole life and when he got here he was approached by somebody who said do you want to learn he said this is my chance this is my opportunity and he learned two times sometimes three times a week devoted dedicated he had a schedule he had a plan he wanted on the one year anniversary of moving here and being asked that question to make that see him the kachova that night was the one year anniversary of having moved here the one year anniversary of being asked to have ahavrusa and he made the first thing of his life and he's already now deep into his next masekta what's your plan we talk about learning or are we ready to start learning do we believe in god or do we believe hashem teddy roosevelt theodore roosevelt has a great quote about page 19. nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care rabbi i've got a lot of great ideas about hesed i got a lot of great ideas to solve these nobody cares how your ideas are how much you know until they know how much you care nobody cares what's in your heart until it's in your hands reach out volunteer cook step up make a difference do for somebody else a friend of mine recently said i heard him say to a group of people not all of us can be a goddess and torah not all of us were designed and are destined to be great and torah but every one of us can be a guadal and if we want our brand to be that we show up when we're needed that there was the threat of a hurricane that there's a pandemic and then we were the first one who texted or called and said what needs to be done anyone needs shopping does the school need anything what needs to be organized every one of us can be a goddale and but not when it's in our heart or our fantasy only when it's with our hands nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care ava who doesn't preach they use different terms tolerance diversity pluralism everybody preaches it i've never met anyone who says i'm against avas israel ever i've never met anyone who says i'm for judging other people everybody preaches it how many practice it often the people who preach at the loudest practice at the least they demand and they expect and they preach tolerance and pluralism and respect but the person who doesn't look or worship or observe or send kids to school exactly like me i have everything negative and critical in judgment to say stop talking about abbas israel and start doing and living it's who we have to be so how do we do it and this is my closing thought the answer is it's inside all of us to go from potential to real kawakalapa nalevala maisa to go from what we say to what we do is not a long or far trip if our head and our heart are in the right place we're halfway there and we know that we have the ability and how do we know that there's an amazing alka shimoni source 30 that tells the story of elio navi aliyah navi once encounters a fisherman a hunter a trapper palma is this individual was scoffing and cynical you know the guy in the back of shoes not listening making fun of the draw tells everyone afterwards how long it was and how stupid it was what are you can fun what are you going to say when you get upstairs the rabbi was just trying to inspire himself and others what are you going to say you cynic it's safe to say this because they're definitely not listening right now what are you going to say when you get upstairs navi so the person turns to your navy and says omar lee been a video ekravi so the person in the back of show says look i'm not among the kanakas god didn't give me the head to sit and learn i don't go to the khabur i'm not the night stater i can't come to the afternoon cola i'm not the holy roller in the community i don't have the head i can't do the daf i can't make a see him it's not me it's not me it's not how i was designed i can't do it navi turns to him and says really you don't have the head you know the zit flash you know the stamina you don't have the focus you don't have the aspiration interesting what do you do for a living i'm a hunter a trapper a mighty low milan piston who taught you how to take the flax and to weave into nets who taught you how to put it in the sea who taught you when and how and to trap who taught you that wisdom and that skill set who gave you that strength and that energy who provided that focus amar lee been a nasolabial i intuited it that's how i'm a doctor i'm a lawyer i'm a businessman who taught you you don't have a head to learn but look how well you're killing it in business in life in the concentration to sit at a blackjack table to watch sports to memorize stocks you have the head and the brain to focus as a doctor as a lawyer as a business person but when it comes to torah when it comes to neshama when it comes to your spirituality all of a sudden you play dumb all of a sudden you play incapable the same hashem who provided it for you and that has provided it for you over here and the person looked as alio navi this wake-up call and realized i have it in me my friends we have it in us because designed us he wouldn't ask us to do anything we couldn't do and if we could dream to be that spouse and we could dream to be that parent and we could dream to be that ever hashem then we can be those things we just have to stop wanting to want and we have to start wanting we have to stop wanting and we have to start doing the praise over and over we're not measured by what's in our heart we're measured by our actions what we do is who we are it is the brand that others think of us as and you know if you don't feel like doing it then fake it till you make it that's what to say you don't feel like doing the mitzvahs no problem start doing it and your heart will be into it with the eating comes the appetite when you start you'll want allah understood this and he told secular women start lighting candles and you'll want more shabbos put on filling and you'll crave more mitzvos start doing and you'll want and even if you don't feel like it no one cares about your feelings mitzvos don't care about your feelings they care about your actions stop feeling and start doing and even if you don't feel like doing fake it because you will then feel and if you don't believe the torah hashela modern science and psychology has caught up two articles you can read wall street journal page 21 from three years ago superhero costumes come to parents rescue fantastic research do you know that put a kid in a superhero costume and they will act differently smarter more responsible they will listen better amazing children who impersonated a hero stuck to the tedious task 46 of the time compared with 36 for the children who asked the question of the third person 29 of the children who self-talk was the first person according to the study in child development when a child wears a superhero costume they begin to feel and act like a superhero so you'll say okay that works with cute kinder the little child puts on the superhero costume and they start to feel and act like a superhero but here's the thing turn the page an article from eight years ago new york times another study with white coats if you wear a white coat that you believe belongs to a doctor your ability to pay attention increases sharply but if you wear the same white coat believing it belongs to a painter you show no improvement when people put on a white coat thinking it belonged to a doctor they were able to focus much better it's amazing not only when children wear the superhero costumes when we put on the costume of someone we admire or think has certain attributes or traits we start to have them too don't dress for the job you have dress for the job that you want dress for the person and the brand you want to be and you want others to perceive you as stop talking and start doing when all is said and done that was done be a lot more than what is said because what we do is who we are and it is how we are perceived and so here's your homework and here's the take home message i hope that this inspired i hope that it made us think i hope that it challenged us to put into practice and action what we say and claim we care but it can't just be part of the world of fantasy for it to be real you have to tonight before you go to sleep you must take on a kabbalah you must take on something that you are committed to change it could be about your health and wellness it could be about your soul it could be about your family it can be about your colleagues it could be about your community it can be about whoever you want but you must make a kabbalah you must take on something real the ali shore quotes says the secret to persevering and triumphing imaya din is to make a kabbalah and the qatar says that's what we're going to recite tomorrow night kol nidrei which is a bizarre thrill all together not for now includes the sentence says the cutscene what are you talking about next kippers let's get through this young kipper masks and distancing and miniature man outdoors and indoors what are you talking about young kipper can we please first get through this yom kippur says the cutscore if you've not taken on a kabbalah that will go to next jim kippur then you're not entitled to say kolnidre this year if you haven't taken a kabbalah if you haven't made yourself and those around you a promise what you do will be who you are if you've not articulated because devarum should believe anam dwarim if you have not articulated a kabbalah a promise and a pledge of something you will do and demonstrate a change you will make if you have not taken out a kabbalah you cannot say konnideri you cannot say kolnitre benjamin franklin said well done is better than well said don't we want the ribonus alone at the end of naila when he evaluates the kabbalah that we made well done well done is better than well said my dearest friends i want to wish you and me give a bracha to all of us that first of all we should be signed and sealed for a year of good health a year of happiness a year of nachas a year of simcha year of bracha a year which is not only what it once was but better than it will ever be a year where next year at this time we'll be learning and singing and davoning together in your shalamir kodesh may it be a year where we begin to fulfill the brand and take it from fantasy to reality maybe a year that what we do is what we say tofa