Shabbos Shuva 2021/5782 - Your Habits Determine Your Future

good luck shavuotov and welcome to the shabbat shivaji russia tough and pay bays let me begin by thanking those who are here tonight those who are in the room this is the way a shabbat rush is meant to be given this is the way it's always been given and please god this is the way we will return to it being given together in person with energy and electricity gathering and coming together as a community seeking to grow it means the world to me that you came tonight i'm so appreciative that you're here together to be able to learn to grow and hopefully to be able to break through together to have our best year yet so those who are joining online we're grateful you are here too and enjoy a while last because please god please god circumstances will be such this will be the last time that this particular opportunity shall be shiva will be broadcast in this way amen you have source sheets on your seats those who are watching you can find source sheets online karma we can flash how they can find it online i want to begin by thanking our generous sponsors the minute against the world talisman shiva we preserve that minute even though it's mozai shabbas anyone can spare the comments of concern that we were broadcasting this on shabbos it is officially mozai shabbas and i wish everyone a good vacation a good year i want to begin by thanking our generous sponsors of the shambhashuba drusha this evening a huge thank you to the freedmen and the kohan families to extraordinary leader families in our community who do so much who've done so much and will do so much for our school for our schools for our community as a whole tonight russia is dedicated in memory of two really extraordinary people who no matter what we're talking about on shabbat shiva they seem to exemplify and they were role models exactly for those qualities that we are trying to live relay freedman to one another and good friends were role models to each and every one of us or by friedman who had such a yearning to be close to hashem rabbi friedman who stood up for the jewish people who had a love in abbas israel rabbi friedman who taught me so much about what it means to rally to charge what it means to make a difference and not only to withdraw into our own community but to try to bring a light and to repair the world around we miss him terribly and we hope our words tonight elevate his neshama each and every child yeshuva i can count on coming home and not soon after shabbos finding an email from her by freedmen with the kindest words and compliments for the most part with his feedback uh and suggestions as well but they were equally cherished and loved because i knew exactly where they came from helen khan was an extraordinary woman who loved davening and loved singing she loved the jewish people she loved the land and state of israel she loved jewish children and jewish continuity and dedicated her life to all of these values and more mark we hope you find comfort as we dedicate our words tonight in her memory as you continue to stand for those same values that you've passed on to your next generations and they should continue to feel that impact of helen's sweet voice telling us and encouraging us and urging us and pushing us and challenging us to be better and better and better her life story was remarkable and we dedicate our words in her memory and lastly as today is the 20th anniversary of 9 11 of september 11th like one of those dates that everyone remembers exactly where they were we remember where we were on 9 20 years ago and so many lives thousands of lives were needlessly lost and we want to dedicate our words in their memory to those who lost their lives trying to rescue to those who lost their lives patriotically fighting and defending our freedom and to those who continue to risk their lives and those whose lives have continued to be affected by the results of 9 11. we dedicate our divrei torah tonight in their memory as i wrote about when i think about 20 years ago i don't only think about 9 11 but i think about 9 12 and 9 13 and 9 14 and the way that this country came together and people set aside their differences to feel a sense of unity of cohesiveness to feel a shared history to try to chart a shared destiny and as much as we commemorate 20 years of 9 11 i think it's important for us to commemorate those feelings of 9 12 and 9 13 to rediscover them and to regenerate them and to bring them back within the jewish community and our destiny and with the shared uh future with your american counterparts and with the entire world the dalai lama walked up to a hot dog stand to get a hot dog how's that for a transition the dalai lama walked up to a hot dog stand to get a hot dog he ordered the hot dog with all the trimmings everything on it he applied his mustard and he asked the vendor how much it is the vendor said it's four dollars the dalai lama handed him a five dollar bill and stood there waiting for his change but the vendor moved on to the next customer and seemed to be ignoring him totally so the dalai lama finally asked him excuse me sir you said it's four dollars i gave you a five dollar bill where is my change the vendor looked at the dalai lama and said change must come from within we're here tonight to talk about change and to not look for it to come from without to not try to find the solution everywhere around us to not point the finger and blame and wish and dream of only circumstances were different we could break through and we could have our breakthrough year and we could be the people we were meant to be it's time to take extreme ownership we've spoken about an extreme responsibility and to break through those limitations those habits which are self-imposed yes the not to be available and yet as much as we're not in control of it as much as we can change there still is so much that we can and the only one holding us back is ourselves it was an individual who was walking through an encampment of elephants taking a tour of the elephants that were raised there and trained there and grown there and he noticed grown elephants who the only thing holding them the only thing keeping them in that habitat was a small rope tied around an ankle and he wondered this enormous elephant weighs several tons it's incredibly strong surely he can snap the rope easily and escape so we asked the trainer these elephants they're enormous they're strong why don't they simply break the rope and set themselves free listen to what the trainer told him he said you know the way we raise elephants when they're very young when they're first born we tie that rope in order to keep them still in order to monitor their whereabouts in order to secure their location and make sure they don't run off and at that young age when they're first born that tiny little newborn elephant that rope is enough to keep them there and when the elephant grows the elephant never learns that now it has the strength to break the rope so even at an older age and even as a grown full enormously strong elephant that little growth from its youth that originally held it in its place it never learns or realizes that it's able to now break through and there's a concept called learned helplessness that we think that we have habits and we think there are behaviors and we think there's rope and we think there's momentum and it limits us we think that it traps us it holds us in place and we don't realize that we have that strength then maybe the habits and the behaviors of last year or last decade or early in our life maybe those were formed but now we're stronger now we're different now we're better and if only we apply ourselves if only we think about it we have the capacity to break free and that's what i want to talk to you about tonight i realize when the shabbat sheba dressed as moche shabbos there's no marv end point we have to the first sleephos tomorrow morning i'm looking at the clock don't worry you made the right decision to come in person and i want to again it's making me emotional to look around this room and see how many of you came out and to see this full room once again and the way it was and that return to hopefully please god be bigger and better than ever it means the world to me because i know you had the option to have a bucket of popcorn and a slice of pizza and be in your pajamas but you're here some of you may be in your pajamas but you look good you're here and it means the absolute world to me so how do we break through what are these habits how are they formed how do we break through what are some strategies as we find ourselves in these assassins as we are counting down to yom kippur as we're working on ourselves to have our best year yet what are some things that we can do so you'll say well shabbat shiva rabbi shouldn't you talk about shania speak about the yoke of heaven and fear of heaven why are you talking about habits and qualities and medos why are you fixated on punctuality on how good we are with time on cleanliness on patience unkindness all of these human qualities they're lovely let the motivational speakers tony robbins can cover it in january and february why are serious he made sure a rabbi you have a packed house you have people's attention talk about you're a shaman talk about a fear of heaven talk about being better jews talk about being more vigilant and scrupulous in our observance of mitzvos and allah and we are going to talk about all of that but it begins with who we are and how we regulate ourselves because we can have all the vision in the world we can have all the ideas and dreams all the ambitions and aspirations to live that best life but if we don't regulate ourselves if we're not in control of ourselves if we don't have discipline over ourselves then we can't achieve any of those dreams the greatest source number one don't get lost in the source sheets we're only going to reference most of them they're there for you to read and study afterwards i've collected a lot of fantastic articles and torah sources and i hope that you'll look at it and take it with you not only tonight but in the days and weeks that come and if it writes he writes to living a virtuous life how can you live that life with all of heaven how will you live that life being careful to live a lifestyle of jewish law and torah and mitzvos it begins by being able to refine our character if you're not a person who has discipline if you're not punctual on time if you're not clean and neat and you don't have a commitment to order in your life then you can't possibly live those values and qualities the guru the helicopter going and source two and shleima says the same serving hashem begins with developing good habits and good practices with regulating our lives and learn regulating ourselves because one can't possibly realize those values in 15th century germany does i don't care if you pledge and promise with your mouth you could be the most righteous and the most religious in your heart but if you always show up late if you never concentrate if you forget to make a bracha if you're discourteous and unkind you could say i have the nicest heart and i volunteer and i care about all people and really i want to help everyone lovely have you made a meal for someone have you checked in and made a phone call are you organized in your life this is not a new age newfangled idea in 2021 tough shampoo base that i stand before you and tell us that if we do not refine our character and if we don't regulate ourselves and we don't live with self-awareness and we don't improve our habits then we can't possibly fulfill the dream and vision of torah and mitzvos and many more sources number four says the truth of the matter is the power of change the greatest power the greatest breakthrough that ever happened in the history of the world after the creation next nilo after god created the world the second greatest act of creation is the person who recreates themselves there are people in this room who've lost enormous amounts of weight there are people in this room who used to fly off the handle who now practice incredible patience there are people in this room who used to be stingy and now they're chasing me wanting to get stuck because they've learned how good it feels when a person transforms and is reborn when they redefine themselves anew that is as great a breakthrough and a creation as the creation of heaven and earth says reporting they've only gone against source five apostles hold fast to discipline don't let go it is your life and writes the gun i'm sorry it's blurry in the fourth line he says we live to break the qualities that we've not yet broken each of us are born with certain predispositions each of us has certain struggles or challenges every one of us is different some of us are foodies we love food we can never get enough food we love the texture we love the flavor we love the taste and our life from when we wake up in the morning until we're on our way to sleep at night we are engaged in a royal battle about not eating foods we should eat at times we shouldn't eat in quantities we shouldn't be and then there's robert moskowitz he wakes up in the morning and the rabbitson has to remind him don't forget to eat and then she checks in later in the day says don't forget to eat each of us have struggles and each of us have things that come easy and says that the only gone we live we are alive and we should see those challenges i'll call you before you keep her we should we'll probably talk a few times before then we should see those challenges and struggles as not nuisances we should see them as gifts from above because they are lighting the way of what we need to work on what comes difficult what is a struggle and a challenge is exactly the area and arena of our greatest breakthrough this is why we're alive says the villenegon we live to break through to transform to recreate to become the people we are meant to be you think it's easy says quotes the founder of the muslim movement of israel salantara vishal salantars famously stated the shasta it's easier to memorize all of talmud it's easier to commit to memory than to change one quality so you think it's easy it's not easy it's incredibly difficult it's easier to learn all of torah all of shaft than to change one quality so do we really have that power do we have that ability the next thing i'm going to tell you is shocking it's a good thing you're all sitting down you may even fall off your chair we are all raised to believe from a very young age that a critical component of our lives is the notion of free will what we call hebrew free will we make choices we make choices from when we wake up in the morning am i going to hit snooze three times or only once am i gonna jump out of bed or am i gonna take my time before we've ever left our bed do you know how many decisions we've already made so we're under the impression will i be on time will i be late well i concentrate will my mind wander what will i eat for breakfast will be healthy will be fattening will i stop while i'm full of while i keep eating will i drive like a maniac or will i drive in a safe way well there's a million decisions that we make almost before we've even begun our day and we're under the impression we have the conception that we have free will and after all doesn't the torah endorse that doesn't the torah empower us and tell us that there's so many choices in life what to watch what to listen to what to say where to go what to believe how to think what lifestyle to have what to prioritize there are no shortages of choices we make and when we make those decisions we are forging and molding our life right wrong source number seven page three this article in the atlantic is not only fascinating this article in the atlantic is deeply disturbing it's not a short article if you're having trouble falling asleep later tonight i encourage you to read it while you are in bed but it quotes the modern science and it has the contention that there is no such thing as free will science and research has studied the brain and neurons understands our genetics and our history sees the intersection between nature and nurture and has come to the conclusion that as much as we think we're making decisions you made the decision to come tonight you made this decision to wear this you made the decision whether you came on time early or late you're making the decision right now whether you've begun that process of going to sleep tonight or you're still with me and you're listening there are decisions we think that we're making but really the brain is wired that all those decisions are happening anyway we don't have the time but i've highlighted i've underlined and bolded certain sections that jumped out to me but that makes the contention that we don't actually make these choices in our life brain scans have enabled us to peer inside a living person's skull revealing intricate networks of neurons allowing scientists to reach agreement and these networks are shaped by by both genes and environment but there's also agreement in the scientific community that the firing of neurons determines not just some or most but all of our thoughts hopes memories and dreams essentially when is the last person here made the choice for their heart to be when is the last person here consciously chose to breathe i don't mean deep breathing meditation exercises i mean while you were preoccupied with something else every breath and there are many we take an hour and a day that we made the decision the human body is designed that we spontaneously our heart beats and spontaneously we breathe and research is concluding that similarly the brain is sending off neurons in such a spontaneous fashion that we are not willing we don't really have free will there's much more that we do not decide than we ever do decide the odds that you'd be wearing this outfit this fashion statement if you were living 100 or 200 years ago or 10 years ago are very very small or that you'd be wearing it in 10 or 20 or 100 years from now so you think you chose that fashion statement what you're wearing right now is what appeals to you and i'm an individual and this is my expression nobody is choosing these tight pants men i promise you i'm trying to talk everyone out of it let it go let's go back to the way it was and sit comfortably but alas though we're not choosing it we have no free will it's being chosen by the women in our lives now it's being chosen by it's being chosen by the people around us so science concludes further studies i'm on page five they've linked to diminished belief in free will to stress on happiness and a lesser commitment to relationships the reason science has suppressed this discovery is because imagine you woke up in the morning and you realized i don't really have free will that nothing i'm going to decide today i'm really deciding it's been predetermined pre-programmed by my genetics by my genes by my conditioning by my nature by the time in which i live that is enormously disempowering it's enormously depressing and it has enormous negative mental health impacts so science has intentionally suppressed this contention and this discovery although now it is coming out and it's been a dilemma whether they should share it or not according to harrah's bottom page six we should acknowledge that even the worst criminals murderous murderous psychopaths are in a sense unlucky they didn't pick their genes they didn't pick their parents they didn't make their brains and yet their brains are the source of their intentions and their actions in a deep sense their crimes are not their fault recognizing this we can dispassionately consider how to manage offenders in order to rehabilitate them protect society reduce future offending it might be possible to cure something like psychopathy but only if we accept that the brain and not some airy fairy free will is the source of the deviancy again it's pretty shocking it's pretty startling it's very disturbing and we think that it has nothing to do with judaism read this article on your own you'll be disturbed so what does judaism believe does judaism agree or in fact the heart of akka and we wake up isn't this whole time of the year elo and tishrei rosh hashanah through yom kippur isn't it all about the admission and the recognition i'm in charge i'm in control i make decisions i need to make better ones i can make better ones i will make better ones so source nine page nine source eight the ali show revolver the great of shalom of obaza grandson just moved i welcome him to our community we're very honored to have him so the only show revolver we're going to quote him several times tonight says something startling towards the bottom the great jewish philosophers established bahir as the cornerstone for the whole torah but from this resulted a common misperception among the masses that all people actively choose their every act in every decision this is a grievous error judaism too rejects the notion that we are in control of absolutely everything that there is free will in every area and every aspect of our lives revolver says this in a wonderful work he has called zuria opinion has been translated planting and building it's about how to educate and how to raise children and he quotes the donor gone that certain things cannot be changed someone is born under certain astrological signs somebody who has certain dna certain genetic certain chemistry somebody is born in a certain time in a certain place does not have free will to transcend or supersede we are the product of so much that goes into who we are that's not only secular science and research that's our sacred torah the ville nagon revolver of tadaka coin and many others ravencion whose nephew just moved to our community represents dr serotsky has a phenomenal article called how free is free will where he addresses this and shares many of these many of these sources it's safe to say over the last year that wherever you are in the world you have a family member who's moved to our community so i'm not going to keep repeating that it would be a redundancy so the revolver writes that the villenegon says it's not true that we can change anything one cannot change someone fundamentally transforming them from the sort of person born into the astrological sign of madden into the certain person born under the actual sign of zedek for example the right column a child whose nature is to be constantly active cannot be transformed into someone who sits and reads 20 hours a day if we force the child to do so we will damage or lose him later the child will go his way or do whatever they like with him uh which might be different from what his parents intended so revolt that takes us to the extreme and says our children have genetic predispositions and if we're trying to conform or squeeze them into a box if we are denying part of their very essence or core or definition then we're only driving them away we have to absolutely not make children conform to our expectations but make our expectations conform to who those children are because we do not in fact have entirely free will if sadaqa cohen says it most most remarkably ruth writes osman gimmel it's not in the sources but he says in fact you know we like to say god doesn't send a test that you can't pass or tell the greats it's not true there are tests that we cannot pass cape cod potato chips at 11 30 p.m after preparing the shabbat of russia long day broke the fast still hungry it's a test that can't be passed not by me those are potato chips they crunch they're kettle they're delicious they're so good do you know what a potato chip he says that's the language of that there are certain predispositions we have that are so strong that in fact when it comes to that violation or crossing that boundary we are on us we had no choice we had no free will radessler in his myth has a long contrast a long essay on this topic he talks about bahira how much free will do we really have i provided it for you the whole thing in hebrew and in english in his translation and strive for truth as well and again for the sake of time i don't want to believe or read too much inside but look on page 15 in the bottom right corner the essence of bahira how free is free will how many choices are we really making and how much are we in patterns and how much are we predisposed depends on the person there is no outside cause involved the prime causes the person himself this is well known to anyone who's even exercised this bahrain conquered his evil inclination such a person feels with the almost clarity that he has relinquished illusion and opted for truth the bahrira point this is what the destler when i first heard this when i learned this it blew my mind he says so much of our day that we think we're making choices we're really making very few choices the habits the patterns that we've set the predispositions we already have the environment which we're in that has already made so many of the choices for us so where do we choose we choose he says in what's called the nikuda or the point and isn't what he writes when two armies are locked in a battle fighting takes place only at the battlefront territory behind the lines of one army is under that army's control and little or no resistance need to be expected expected there a similar situation prevails in respect of territory behind the lines of the other army if one side gains a victory at the front and pushes the enemy back the position of the battlefront will have changed in fact therefore fighting takes place only at one location though potentially the line could be drawn anywhere in the territories of the two contending countries in other words behind the battlefront each army has conquered territory it has its land there's no battle it's only the very little narrow area called the battlefront where the battle happens and each of us have a battlefront in our life each of us have the nakudas and our mission our challenge our goal is to isolate and identify and to narrow in what can i change and what do i have to let go what am i predisposed and programmed and where is my nakuda where's my battlefront let me give several examples i'll give you an example the fact that i choose every day not to eat a pork product is that a reflection of my free will do you think when i get upstairs after 120 years there'll be a big parade and welcome committee celebrating that goldberg didn't eat pork products is that a big achievement is that a big success is that a reflection of a choice i've made so if dancer says no modesto says if you were raised religious and you are religious and you believe in religion you're not battling on the choice potato chips or trader joe's corn chips that's an akuda sabahira there's a battle they give you the last rest of my kryptonite list if you'd like it offline but pork products for me non-kosher is not a temptation there's no battle whatsoever the same equal opposite truth for somebody who's not been raised religious and has not had an education and has never experienced what it means to be an observant or a jew are they held responsible or accountable to eat on kosher are they battling is it a point of bahira are they making a choice to eat non-kosher they're not making a choice to eat non-kosher they're not even aware that there's a kosher option sort of desolate what comes out that fascinatingly is so consistent with science science as you'll see this will be a theme tonight and into tomorrow morning the theme tonight tonight tonight the theme tonight is that science is only catching up to what the torah knew all along so the atlantic has this breakthrough article turns out we don't have much free will if this is like duh we've known that since god created us but what i want to talk to address specifically is our effort to narrow in to zoom in on the area on the kuda sabahira where could i be better what could i improve upon how can i be a better version of myself what are the components that i am who i am my height's not going to change my hairline for the better is not at this point going to change there are things that are genetically programmed and built in there are things i have to let go of and concede but there's a whole area of life that is nikuda to not relinquish and not abandon and not concede and not give up on the free will that we absolutely do continue to have the habits that we form the gemara already said this man source 11 um when a person has crossed the boundary when you've made a mistake when you violated something so the first time that you did it you feel guilty you feel shame and guilt and shame are healthy feelings this time of year yam narayan even though ordinarily when we bless a new month we ask for a life that has no bush no shame the shame that makes me embarrassed is negative but the shame that makes me feel ashamed to god pasanish i'm capable of so much more that was beneath me i could do better i could do more it's embarrassing it's shameful i'm ashamed that i said that i'm ashamed i went there i'm ashamed i watch that i'm ashamed i thought that i'm ashamed i behaved that way that's a healthy shame that's a good shame that's a good shame so the first time a person crosses a boundary they feel ashamed and that's good but the gemara so astutely understands the human psyche that the second time we do it we say maybe what i did isn't really technically wrong maybe it wasn't so bad marwan does really it becomes a hat there it was awesome it was forbidden you looked at something you said something you went somewhere you did something you know you're not allowed to it's the abcs it's black and white you're not allowed to the first time you do it you cross that boundary you're filled with shame against psychology today talks about people who act out in ways that violate their own moral and ethical code they feel guilty afterwards people who act out and behave by watching and acting and doing certain behaviors often the science shows the research shows they feel filled with guilt they engage in an activity that was supposed to have given them a tremendous sense of pleasure why do they feel guilt because when you cross your own moral boundary that we've said when we're living an incongruous inconsistent life where our behavior doesn't match what we say we believe we feel guilt but it's hard to live with guilt and it's hard to live with shame so what ends up happening is the second time we do it then putrello we don't see it as forbidden we don't see it as a boundary we crossed we don't see it as violating the code that we have now we see it as something which is permissible the government says do you really think it becomes muther it says it's also you think it became mutter it's forbidden it became permissible no sakura died nasa it's as if the bali muslim goes second bali must say and by the third time you do it nasa la camitzva now it's not just something which is permissible it's that this is a mitzvah are you kidding i have to watch that because i have to be aware of what the kids are watching and if i'm going to inspire and motivate the kids and do outreach then i have to watch what everybody's watching even with the scenes and the language that it has it went from being something that i felt really guilty and ashamed that was episode one episode two not so lucky it's really not so bad i look away i saw a line someone else posted who i admire and they watch it it must be it's permissible and by the third time it's a grace of mitzvah big tonic i'm doing a mitzvah taking one for the team i shouldn't be watching it but if i want to do outreach and i want to inspire the next generation and talk to the kids leave me alone i'm doing a mitzvot over here i got to watch the entire series in one night so the gemara understands that the things that we habituate ourselves in the habits that we form they define us and they put us on the sense of an autopilot and now in order to justify or rationalize how we can be doing those things if they're inconsistent with what we claim we believe we no longer believe that they're wrong they just become a pattern they become part of our life that's true in the negative that's the demanding condition it can be true in the positive kingdom tells us i've considered my ways and i turned back to your decrees what does that mean so the majority of expands says to god um master of the universe is every day i intend on going to work every day i'm on my way to someone's house i have all kinds of plans i plug it into ways you know what happens are you rugby associate about the kinesis but my feet take me elsewhere hashem i love you so much and i'm so drawn to be with you all i want us to sit in your house all day long that even though i'm trying to go elsewhere but my feet take me my feet take me to your school to your basement this sense of pattern of road of habit works in both directions what's amazing is that since so much of our lives is determined by habits if we form the right ones we end up in shul in the basement if we form the wrong ones we end up with high blood pressure and diabetes we make the decision which habits we form but once we form them and we begin to live that way with the momentum that carries us it can be in one of two directions i'll never forget when we moved we used to live in captiva and we moved to thornhill green and it was a good month after we moved i was driving home from somewhere and i found myself in the driveway in captiva and i was about to get out of the car and go into what was no longer my home and i realized how did i get here i didn't remember one moment of the drive from when i departed until i got to that destination but what happened autopilot and how many of us are on autopilot all the time in our lives we're eating on autopilot and we're speaking and gossiping on autopilot and we're flying off the handle and getting angry and expressing rage or frustration on autopilot we're living our lives on autopilot but if we can change the destination the coordinates then we can get to a much better place for ourselves for ourselves this is often an interpretation of what the jewish people what it means to be an amika sheikh source 16 after the ego this gross and terrible violation with the jewish people practicing fidelity from god we built an idol and worshiped it we cheated on god on our wedding night and god says i'm done incredulously god says i've seen this people and they are a stiff neck abstinent impossible people impossible i'm done all i do is shower them with bracha all i do is give them miracles freedom i redeem them from egypt i shower them with blessings and all they do is repel and all they do is revolt and all they do is complain i'm done they're so stubborn they're inflexible i'm done why is the description of the person who's stubborn or obstinate stiff-necked why do we describe them as somebody who has a stiff neck dr ashes 17 says what does it mean they're stiff neck that means somebody's standing there telling them you know you could be better you know that that was beneath you and you know what they do they arch their back and they stiff their neck and they don't turn to listen to the person who's giving them the encouragement we're a stiff neck we don't adjust or pivot or turn to listen and to learn from the people and the things that are trying to inform and inspire us and we're guilty of being the stiff-necked people being stiff neck people that's rashi the abar banel says stiff neck means that a person who's living a virtuous life the best life is able to turn their neck and look and anticipate the consequence of their behavior then not only to live in the moment of the right now does this taste good do i want this but how will it leave me feeling and what will it do to my health saying this feels good but how will it impact the relationship that i have a healthy person is able to look to the future and anticipate the consequence of behavior but if you're stiff-necked then you can't turn adjust pivot you can't rotate you're not flexible to see the consequence says the ibarbanel that's why god reacts and says they're stiff-necked people but i want to share with you rambam the rama met a son named rav avraham it's got to be a lot of pressure if your last name is ben harambang i'm sure he has a family member in boca [Music] anyone here descend from the rambam rav ramban he says you know what it means to be a stiff-necked person it means that you're stuck in your habits this is who i am take me as i am this is it this is who i am i'm a finished product this is my habit this is my behavior i don't go for walks i don't exercise this is the way i eat this is where i speak you know that person who's crosses some lines they're a little outrageous in public settings and when someone tries to encourage them or give them some rebuke they say look this is who i am i'm the life of the party i'm the quiet one i'm the outgoing one i'm the late one i'm the untimed one i'm the we think that we're set in our way we're stubborn says stiff neck means that we think we're locked and we're fixed and the altar of cameras somehow and source 18 writes and it's so beautiful every mistake we make until today has a root in the sin of the ego the ego animates and informs the mistakes we're still making today what do our rabbis mean by that the fact that i ate the wrong thing or said the wrong thing or went to the wrong place today what does that have to do with the sin of the golden calf thousands of years ago says the outcome of calm it stems from the same problem there were creatures of habit and that we follow through on our appetite our temptation our drive and we refuse to adjust or transform our habits they thought moshe was taking too long to come down from the mountain and when they were nervous or anxious they reverted back to their old habit of idolatry they built the ego we go back to our habits but we have to break through the tanya in perique dali source 19 i want to thank my charusa who's really my rebbe here by tower we learned tanya together source 19 and paraquidal the 14th chapter of tanya the baltania the altar describes how we can strive to live that level of righteousness by controlling and regulating and being disciplined with our sense of selves and the obstacle to at the top of page 23 the tanya concludes this chapter ocha gala called the nasa habits reign supreme and the habit becomes second nature or steinstouts when he elaborates and elucidates in source 20 when we become accustomed to something habit becomes a second nature though not as strong perhaps as first nature it is nonetheless inseparably embedded into our souls says if we accustom ourselves to despise bad things so i look at those potato chips or corn chips and i see them as poison i see them as preventing me from getting on the floor to play with my grandchildren in several years or decades from now i see them as shortening my lives and as a form of suicide then i will habituate myself to despise them they will no longer be the nicodas of i no longer have to wage a battle with them i can see them as the enemy why would i put that in my system any more than i would put any other poison in my system we can learn and we can habituate ourselves to despise that which will bring us down physically emotionally or spiritually and the inverse we can habituate ourselves and we can learn to love that which will elevate us and make us live more healthy physically and emotionally and spiritually so now i want to spend the rest of our time giving you some strategies how do we do it how do we do it so number one we talked about is this is important to talk about yes hashem yes yes or in fear of god loving god clinging to god we talk about that every shear every week all year round and we will continue to and yes being vigilant and scrupulous in our observance of a lot of jewish law absolutely non-negotiable expectation of every one of us as good jews however we can't live those lives if we're not living our best lives and we can't live our best lives if we don't isolate and identify where i have control how i can break my bad habits and form good ones i heard a interview a podcast earlier this year with leo baba but he was a fascinating life story he told it wasn't that long ago that leo babaouda was 70 pounds overweight he had tried to quit smoking seven times and failed and he was so poorly disciplined in his own personal life and financial life that he had to break open his kids piggy bank one night to collect some loose change to buy them cereal to serve them dinner that's how low he had fallen that's how low he had fallen fast forward fast forward he began to make some changes in his life and he started a blog in order to hold himself accountable and to share what he was doing with others called zenhabits.net and fast forward he lost 70 pounds and he quit smoking and he competes in marathons and he has millions of followers online he's written best-selling books and he's a motivational speaker and he's extraordinarily wealthy and successful in every measure including most importantly the happiness factor is emotional his relationships here for example on page 24 is an interview the washington post did with him 2005 he smoked cigarettes a junk food was disorganized deeply in debt now his trim runs triathlons ran a 50 mile ultra marathon he eats a vegan diet we want to hold that part against him he cleared out clutter he probably eats kale even he cleared out clutter and his inbox eliminated debt saved up energy emergency funding wrote a bestselling book so they interviewed with him and he talked about and the themes that he talks about in this interview and the articles that follow are what i want to share with you and unpack a little bit together this evening he talks about what he calls micro changes not trying to radically transform ourselves too quickly too fast too much we tend to do that this time of year every year i'll never speak lashinara again i'll never be late to shul again i'll never not have kava i'll never and then before circus is even over we're like what was that again everybody knows that the month of january every gym spikes in those who signed up for membership and everybody knows by february nobody's going because when we take on these mega changes we end up not changing at all and what we need are small micro changes little things where we taste success where we have breakthrough that can create a momentum and enable us become the runway to make bigger and more significant changes in our life he writes i started giving up smoking every time i had the urge to smoke i just sit there what i didn't realize is that was a form of meditation and then when i found myself stressed instead of smoking i'd go out for a run that was my stress release he talks about when i made a most small change and succeeded i created a positive spiral the more i succeeded at something the more i began to trust myself and then the more i succeeded i was motivated to succeed that was huge for me too that's why i started zen habits to continue having accountability for my own changes we can make changes but if we don't have people around us it's going to hold us accountable and encourage us to continue those changes then we're going to stumble we're going to fall and we're going to fail and here's what he writes about failure because in every effort to make changes we're going to run into that wall we get very excited we go through that phase where we say potato chips corn chips it's poison i've never put that in my system i'd never eat that again ah you could put it out in front of me i have no temptation i'd never eat it and then comes that mote said some gedalia shabbat sheba prep middle of the night craving you've run into that wall and you failed you started with the one chip but the time the second one not to look ahead there by the third ship it was a mitzvah it's almost a kipper it's a mitzvah i gotta bulk up it's gonna be a kipper now what now you're off the wagon the next day what happens the next day what happens you double up with the sequel the trader joe corn chips what happens the next day he says i fail all the time i tried to quit smoking seven times and failed seven times before i finally made it stick why did i love that sentence why do you love that he failed specifically not six times and not eight times shiva paul sadiq tells us seven times you fall and you get up sadiq that sadiq falls seven times and gets up in order to be at sadiq you have to have fallen first and get up he writes when i first failed it was a hit to my self-image but then i started to observe and learn from failure and rather than think i failed because something is wrong with me instead of thinking failure is a reflection of something's wrong with me failure's a teacher failure's a tool failure is an instrument to learn from and to illuminate the path of how to break through and to be greater so i printed for you two blog entries because in both he makes the point that i want to share with you this really blew my mind i had never heard it or considered a thought of it but i've been trying to practice it ever since and hashem i'm trying to have success with it it's an amazing amazing idea i really really loved it and we'll see in a moment of course the torah knew about it long before leo anybody's moved to boca raton not yet not yet soon soon he says the problem is that we want instant gratification we feel an urge at the root of the so many of the bad habits we have people trying to quit gambling trying to quit smoking trying to quit drinking people trying to quit watching things that are inappropriate to be watching online people trying to quit being late perpetually always running late over committing people trying to commit being stingy or angry or frustrated or having no patience the problem is all of these behaviors are the result of an instant gratification we have a feeling we have an urge and there's no space there's no margin there's no break in between the urge and the action i want the potato chips i'm already at the bottom of the bag i want to watch i would feel stressed or anxious i go to watching something which is going to give me an escape next thing i know it's three in the morning season one complete we feel this urge and the urge automatically kicks in in action so he says the way the antidote the way to make this enormous change in life and to conquer these areas of life that we don't want to be doing is to insert a pause between the urge and the action page 27 number one watch the urges we all have urges to check on email and social media to eat something sweet or fried to procrastinate and find description distractions their eyes on all of us but that doesn't mean we need to act on them the first step is to see the urge rises what i've done is carried a pencil and piece of paper around and put little tally marks on the paper each time i had an urge it's a great tool for mindfulness then delay instead of acting on the earrings right when it arises pause don't act right away put some space between the urge and your action let heartbeat return to normal your breathing become a bit deeper calm down number three make a conscious decision if you decide to indulge in a sweet it's perfectly fine but do it consciously not just following a woman an urge decide it's a healthy thing for you to do it you can afford it that is compassion act for your body each decision is best made consciously instead of gratifying a desire or an urge number four learn over time there'll be many times that we give in to urges it's okay there's nothing wrong with giving in the key is to see how that makes you feel afterward and learn whether the decision was a good one or a bad one and the next time the decision comes up think back to the previous one and make a conscious decision and number five enjoy the moment without following the urge life is meant to be enjoyed but there are different ways to enjoy he talks about it more in the next blog post and what he calls urge surfing urge surfing our life our day is really made up of you think about it in this way our day is really made up of a series or a string of these urges that we feel like we have the urge to stay in bed will we hit snooze or will we wake up with the urge to run late will we be on time nonetheless with the urge to eat the thing we should need say the thing watch the thing do the thing our whole day is informed by the urges that we have and if we concede and if we give in and if we believe that the urge must lead to action we're done because the moment that the urge rises we're already doing that action an action which violates a boundary of what we claim to believe that we want to eat healthy and we want to live healthy and we spiritually want to be ambitious so i want to learn but then i feel an urge to not learn instead to do something else so urge surfing a mindfulness technique technique that has proven effective for dealing with addiction is called urge surfing a widely used technique developed by psychologist addiction pioneer here's how he practices it notice you have the urge and pause instead of acting on it and sit with it mindfully notice where the physical sensation of the urge is located your stomach your chest your mouth focus on that area of the body and mindfully notice the sensations you feel allow them to rise and peak and crest and subside like a wave watch them as you're watching a wave it's not anything to panic about it's a sensation rising and falling you can do this for a minute or two or longer and after the year subsides it might come back and you can repeat this you can also go out to other areas of your body where you notice urge related sensations why it works is we interrupt the part of our brain that just acts immediately on urges and we shift to a new part of our brain the pattern interruption is crucial dealing with urges we also learn that the urge isn't anything urgent it's not a command it's a sensation so in other words when i crave the potato chips when i crave to tell you that juicy gossip i have when i crave to watch that thing or go that place when i crave to lose my cool and act with anger or frustration usually at the people i claim to love the most who are closest to me that is an urge it's not an action we mistranslate and we therefore think that the urge is an action and once it's an action i can no longer control it but if i relate to it instead not as an action if i relate to it and i name it as an urge now i can create an interruption in the pause now i can feel the urge i can feel the sensation and then let it go i was tired i got my second wind i was hungry now i feel full i had a craving but now i no longer desire it if i name it as an urge and i create that margin in that space then i'm able to overcome it he encourages us to change our environment different coping abilities fill the urge with something else instead where does the urge come from does it come from anxiety stress worry fear where's the urge coming from what's a better release for it instead of eating an entire bag of potato chips and binge watching something you shouldn't be looking at how about going for a walk or a run or making some phone calls how about taking a bath having a tea doing yoga that's his list not mine how about doing these other activities instead instead so this for me was a major breakthrough because i've always felt like when i'm starving for something i'm already eating it the idea that you can pause and feel that urge and decide okay i felt it i lived with it and now i'm letting it go i don't have to act based on the urge i can put space between the urge and the action i can insert margin i can put a barrier or a break i can take a moment of time and ask myself is this really good for me is this really what i want is this who i am you know who did this successfully and therefore lived two sons of arnold cohen source 23. spoke to aaron and his two surviving sons we know that his two older sons london avia died tragically on opening day of the mishkan but aaron are two surviving sons and moshe addressed them al-azhar is his sons and wonders refers in source 24 why are they called no sarim why are they not called nisharim nishar would mean the remaining ones nosa is another word altogether we use nosar when it comes to a carbon so why are they called the sons who are no sarim remaining they should be the sons who are nish arim and says that the word nosar means something which was left over that could or even should have been consumed or destroyed as well the no sir of a carbon is something that should not have been there it should not have been left over it should have been consumed it should have been gone it's no sir it was left over but it didn't belong there and says reverse these two sons shouldn't have survived and shouldn't have been there they also felt the urge to bring an ish zara a foreign fire they too like no nothing of you their older brothers they too experienced that urge but you know what happened nadev avio didn't know the zen habit so they felt the urge and it led to an action and it led to their demise but the two younger brothers allah they had a break between their urge and action says and because just because they felt it didn't mean they had to do it and in between feeling it they stopped themselves from doing it and when they stopped themselves from doing it they survived you can sit on an urge you can even name how it feels i would really love to be eating that but it's not good for me and i'm not going to and just because i have that appetite that urge that drive that desire just because i want to hit snooze and sleep in just because i want to say that just because i don't watch that just because i want to be that way just because i want to react with anger there are people around us who disappoint us and who frustrate us in our own families among friends in our community and we're tempted to lash out and we're tempted to scream and to yell we're tempted to write a text or an email or to respond to one that matches them and shows them and puts them in their place there's an urge it rises up inside us and we think that i have that urge and the emails already sent there was nothing i could do it's how i felt there was nothing i can do aside from which they deserved it but i felt that way and it came out there was nothing i can do the first thing that we have to admit this time of year is there absolutely is something we can do we can pause between the urge and the action we can admit that just because we feel doesn't mean we have to do there's something in between all that's number one number two number two number two is that we're trying to form not habits but good identity what's the difference possible tells us jewish people are instructed we're told we're going into israel we're going to inhabit and counter the land and when we take over it we need to destroy we need to obliterate all the places of idolatry there were places of misbehavior there were lewd and licentious immoral and decadent we need to go in and we need to abate get rid purge destroy those places why the double language rashi wonders to the double languages get rid of it on the surface and then you gotta go in the root and pull out the root if you have weeds you can't just cut the surface of the weeds if the roots remain they're gonna simply come back and when it came to the idolatry when it came to these behaviors and these values and this ideology that had no place in the jewish homeland and among the jewish people it's not enough to get rid of it you've got to get it out it's root you've got to destroy the mizrahi the super commentary on rashi wonders how did russia know that based on the suffrage locating traced in the abetab de nominally obey tab dun why do i have the double language to teach me cut it off on the surface and also cut it out in its root says the helicopter says the guerrilla source 28 i love this fast ms he says what can we learn from this message not just about tearing out and ripping out idolatry when you conquer the land of israel but we can learn about our own lives and how to conquer the own voices that are foreign that don't belong that are misguiding and misleading and misdirecting us in addition to getting rid of the behavior you've got to go trace the root of the behavior a person all addiction and our communities continue to be proud to partner with onward living brs thanks to a tremendous gift by the wine pearl family in memory of their beloved son johnny who lost his life to this dreaded disease onward living we continue to partner with this beautiful program in our community and the families who are partnering and those who are in the program and graduates of the program who come to our community we're so honored and we welcome them and anyone who works in the world of addiction will tell you that the acting out of addiction and it can be any addiction gambling narcotic alcohol intimacy any addiction that someone is struggling with it is not the behavior itself the behavior is an expression of something that's hollow that's missing that's hurting inside a person who's in pain who's struggling a person who feels invisible inconsequential person who feels they don't matter they don't fit in or they can't find their place tries to numb themselves to that feeling that's so uncomfortable and so overwhelming and so painful that they engage in a pattern of behavior that becomes their escape it's not about the alcohol it's not about the gambling it's not about the drugs it's not about the intimacy it's about the escape it's about numbing themselves it's about not confronting the reality of how they feel i did a program with onward living with moshiachnas the founder of the program and two graduates of onward two young men who grew up orthodox community struggled with addiction had to go inpatient and then went onward living and had the courage to do this panel you can still find it and watch it on youtube and i strongly encourage you to particularly this time of year it's very inspiring and both of them described in their journey different impacts of different episodes in their youth people of authority friends family a system that they didn't fit neatly into and both of them described that when they were young they walked around with this pervasive feeling all the time of i just don't fit in i don't feel comfortable in my own skin i'm not like everybody else something's not right and then someone gave them and then somebody gave them some other substance and for the first time that feeling it went away it went to the background and then when it wore off the feeling of feeling i don't fit in and i just don't belong and i'm not like everyone else and i'm invisible nobody cares it came back until they learned that the habit of engaging the substance that gave them the escape and gave them the numbing it's really worthwhile to watch and so the therapy for addiction and all of us have our own addictions some of them society puts a stigma on the person who works all hours we say wow they're a workaholic so impressive a person is fashionable they're shopaholic and living in debt but wow they're at the cutting edge of fashion we all have our struggles and addictions some of them are labeled and named in society as a stigma and others even nassala can mitzvah others we even say wow so admirable so admirable they never sleep because they're addicted to work or not sleeping that's not admirable it's an addiction and any help or therapy intervention with addiction is all about what this fascinace is saying right here it's not about the behavior if all you do talking to an addict is talk about alcohol or drugs or gambling you will never solve the problem it's like whack-a-mole i have a good friend who struggled with addiction and he conquered it in one area and then he got addicted in another area and then in the third area because he says that all you're doing is addressing the behavior like whack anyone ever looking at me you know you hit it and then the next one pops up somewhere somewhere else so that if you're empty inside it's just going to express itself and pop up and pop up somewhere else so obey to abdul it's not enough whatever habit we're trying to break some people here are lazy and procrastinate some are underachievers some are overweight and unhealthy and even if not overweight unhealthy in other physical ways some of us are mentally struggling spiritually not who we could or want to be and if we're going to break through it's not only addressing the behaviors on the outside the habits but says this fascinates we got to get to the showrush we got to get to what's inside i was introduced to a book this summer i was introduced to it because magazine had a feature what are you reading over the summer and they asked her like fishbein a friend of mine the head of the crc and he answered he was reading an amazing book called atomic habits and a minute later amazon prime was on its way to my house so atomic habits is a phenomenal book james clear i highly recommend this book atomic habits atomic habits and then these assortments are several excerpts we're not going to read them i know the hour is already getting late uh we're not going to read them all but he makes this critical point at the beginning of the book and in many ways this is the thesis of the whole book based on this facade i'd like to say it's based on this fast i don't know that james clear ever heard of this fascination true behavior changes identity change you might start a habit because of motivation but the only reason you'll stick with one is it becomes part of your identity anyone can convince themselves to visit the gym or eat healthy once or twice but if you don't shift belief behind the behavior it's hard to stick with long-term changes improvements are only temporary until they become part of who you are the goal is not to read a book the goal is to become a reader the goal is not to run a marathon the goal is to become a runner the goal is not to learn an instrument the goal is to become a musician our behaviors are usually a reflection of our identity what you do is an indication the type of person you believe you are consciously or non-conscious then we talked about that last year you are what you do or what is your personal brand research has shown that once a person believes in a particular aspect of their identity they're more likely to act in alignment with that belief so it's true in the positive if you say i'm a runner then you're going to run if you say i'm a reader you're going to read if you say i'm a learner you're going to learn torah if you say i'm a davina you're going to come to davening and value it and be on time and be invested and be mindful of it but the opposite's also true if you say i'm terrible with directions i'm not a morning person i'm bad at remembering names i'm always late i'm not good with technology i'm horrible at math if you lock yourself into that mode of thinking if that becomes part of your core identity then your behaviors and your habits are going to come match it so the thesis of the whole book and how he begins is identity not habits identity not habits if you want better results then forget about setting goals focus on your system instead most effective way to change your habit is to focus not on what you want to achieve but on who you wish to become not on what you want to achieve but who you wish to become you don't rise to the level of your goals you fall to the level of your systems outcomes he writes are about what you get processes are about what you do identity is about what you believe with outcome-based habits to focus on what you want to achieve with identity-based habits the focus is on who you wish to become it's a simple two-step process decide the type of person you want to be and prove it to yourself with small wins ask yourself who's the type of person that could get the outcome i want the most effective way to change your habits to focus not on what you want to achieve but to become your identity emerges out of your habits every action is a vote for the type of person you want to become so again i encourage you to read these pages i included them in here you can read the entire book but again that's such a different radical way of thinking about it not to isolate the habit i eat potato chips late at night i gossip i tend to get angry i tend to run late don't just address the particular behavior or action but think about an identity who am i and how do i want to be thought of by others what's my brand am i a learner am i a governor do i want to be thought of as the stingy one who i mean magazine said a child should have some people will give their kidney will give an organ before they'll give to the call nidrae appeal we should start a section because we need kidneys too we should have a kidney section of the conan drapio that would also help but some people are stingy do you want to be known as the person who never gives or is your identity the one with the generous magnanimous soul do you want to be the one who your friend's always waiting for you at coffee or lunch you're always scrambling into the back of shule or do you want to be the one who's on time what is our identity don't change the habit think about the identity and then we'll behave in a way that conforms to the identity and the vision that we have for ourselves environment environment plays a critical role and the rabbit described this so beautifully in volume volume 36 the first three times it goers the owner pays half the damage that was done because why is the owner responsible for the ox but after the access gored three times the axe is now ashore the ox now has a pattern of gorin the ox has a habit of damaging others and now we hold the owner accountable because we say the owner should have had a smear mom a higher level a greater level of smeara a greater level of guarding the animal because the animal had a pattern a habit of of damaging how do you take an animal that has a status of sure muad and make it a short time how do you take an ox that halachically is now defined as having a pattern of goring and reset and restore to be an animal that doesn't have that pattern so the owner would only now have to pay f and the rambam describes and the rambam writes that if you move the roshus harishush and estanis machanadino if the animal is under a new owner a new owner gets the animal the animals reset its status is now short time and you only pay half of damages not full damages the rambam ends and the rebel wonders where does that come from and why should that be if the animal has a pattern and the animal has a habit and the animal now is an animal that goes why should the fact that it has a new owner why should it change the status or the status of the animal and he explains from many pages the right-hand column is the opening part of this the left-hand column is the end of the in between on your own the understanding of the rambam but i want to skip to the part where he says he says that when you change your shem it's actually a description of something in each and every one of us sure the ox is the nephesh that is the animal voice inside us every one of us have a raging axe and we gore we damage we injure others with our speech with our behavior with our attitude with our reaction in our relationships we can damage and we can injure we have this animal inside us and that acts as the animal in us imagine if we unleash the ox the access power the axe is might the ox is brazen the ox is stubborn if we can channel and direct the animal the oxen us to good we can break through walls we can repair this world we can stand up for people we can make such beautiful changes why does shiny rashes work so the rabbit writes here in the sikha because when a person changes their environment they change their habits when a person doesn't see themselves based on who they were but says there's a brand new me i'm in a new environment and i have a new attitude and i have new influences and i have a new identity and i now see myself as sheena roshus i am under the supervision and the authority of a new king when i change my environment i change myself and just like the animal the sharmuah becomes a short time we the animal in us can be reset and restored to the time status our habits can be set back to zero to the beginning to a fresh start by changing our environment duke university's page 37 source 31 did studies that found exactly this people like to think they're in control of what they do almost half of human behavior takes place in the same location every day and comes cubed by the environment this reflection back to that atlantic article many of our repeated behaviors are cued by everyday environments even though people think they're making choices all the time when you open your cabinet and the cereal you have is fruity pebbles you're not making a choice whether to eat a healthy cereal or not the same cereals in the same spot at the same time a day your environment has already made the determination or decision for the way you eat breakfast every morning our environment has an enormous impact on who we are and how we behave and a change or shift in our environment can enormously change and shift they found this study that college students who transferred to a new university were able to break their television watching habit if the tv was in a different location at their new school students who found the tv in the same location were less successful at breaking the habit the implication for people trying to stop bad habits or develop new ones is pay attention to the environment move something change something you're struggling with you're davening get a new sitter mark it up let the print be different you're changing with your eating habits shop in a new location bring in new foods eat at different times we change our environment we can change our habits and that's what he says here as well in atomic habits it's what james clear writes on page 38 he says that our impa our environment has an enormous impact we pick up habits from the people around us we copy the way our parents handle arguments the way our peers flirt with one another the way our co-workers get results when your friends smoke you give it a try too when your wife has a habit of double checking that door is locked before going to bed you pick it up as well you ever talk to somebody and they have an accent and the next thing you know you find yourself talking to that accent and you're never talking you don't even know the accent we are a reflection of the people around us we pick up those habits and we pick up those behaviors that peer pressure we conform to social norms which was a big experiment you see on the next page even though on the picture on the right the middle line is clearly longer than the other two they did an experiment where they put people in a room who were all actors and everyone else in the room was like no no the middle line is the same as the line on the right and then they asked the people which is the middle line longer and if the environment if the peers all said it's the same they found that people said yeah it's the same length even then they knew better we know better about how to behave we know better what to think we know better where to go we know better what to do but we are the result that we are the consequence of the people and the environment around us and that's why one of the most effective things we can do says clear is build better habits by joining a culture where our desired behavior is the normal behavior davin around people who take their divining seriously eat with people who eat in a healthy way have conversations with people who have elevated conversations be with people who are ambitious who have aspirations in the area of life that you want to grow we are a reflection of our environment and if we change our environment then it will conform with the identity we claim we want and our habits will follow who said this clearly the rambam source 33 and hoku's deus again long before james clear torah timeless torah from 3 300 years ago when it was given knew all of this because god created us he made us and the torah contains all these secrets and messages and now modern science and pop psychology is only catching up a person's character and actions are influenced by their friends and associates do you want to be connected with community or those who break away from it you want to sit at tables with elevated conversation that challenge you to be better or that gossip and that criticize and that complain and that are negative about everyone and everything that environment will determine who we are how we choose our friends where we choose our seat what we choose to do what clubs we chose to join the mission tells us stay away from that negative influence because these influences the environment will determine everything about who we are if we want to be the best version of ourselves hang out with the people who share that quest that i that that ambition to have that identity torah torah conditions us is the environment that we live that's what the rambam writes in source 35. how do we condition ourselves what creates that environment what creates that goal what moves those goalposts for us to be our best is torah without total we're stumbling and grappling in the dark and torah or orazinto or the gemara torah's the light flips the switch and turns on that light and it gives us a sense of what matters and what's important and what's a priority of what to value and how to live and how we should see ourselves and what should be our identity that's why we care khazaneesh writes in source 36 and it's wonderful say foreign that the whole platform of the whole jewish lifestyle from the way we wake up in the morning saying our lips to the way we fall asleep at night saying how in what order we tie our shoelaces and wash our hands what can go in our mouth what can come out of our mouth the torah has something to say about everything we do because when we live that lifestyle when we create that environment of that behavior we are conditioning ourselves to be our best selves our most godly selves our most disciplined selves to achieve the most in our life he writes in atomic habits he writes in source 37 we're heading into the uh home stretch source 37 he talks about the importance of self-awareness when it comes to changing our habits and our identity if you know how if you have no self-awareness you know self-awareness is a uniquely human character trait the dog or cat doesn't say how do i look in this outfit if i eat this i'm gonna gain weight here the human being is the only one who can step outside themselves and think about themselves that we can have some self-awareness recently someone told me about somebody who lost their cool in a public setting somebody reacted by something that was upsetting to them that was disappointing to them and they totally flew off the handle and lost their cool and this person is a leader of that setting addressed that person at a later date calm the situation got through the moment and a day or two later addressed the person and said you know i love you and i welcome you and i want you but not that behavior it's not acceptable and the person said i know what you're talking about i don't know what you're talking about i simply said i was upset or frustrated so the leader who addressed them said no no you were screaming and yelling and you flew off the handle you lost control you were acting out with rage and this individual said you're exaggerating you're describing someone else maybe you're confusing me that's not at all what happened many people who behave in certain ways lack self-awareness that while we're going through that episode because there was nothing between the urge and the action something upset us they started without us so we went crazy instead of saying okay i feel a feeling right now that they started without me frustrated i'm upset i'm resentful i'm hurt i'm angry i'm a lot of things but now i'm going to pause and i'm going to reflect on how i'm feeling i'm going to meditate i'm going to simply sit with these feelings i'm going to allow myself to feel these feelings right now and then i'll react but the person who doesn't put that space or that margin that pause in between the urge and the action and the urge immediately leads in and kicks into that action often has no self-awareness of what they look like or how they sound like or how they've behaved so self-awareness is a critical key it is a prerequisite to making meaningful changes in our life to learning to live with trying to reflect who we are how do i come across what's my brand how do i sound do i have self-awareness he writes source 37 if you're having trouble determining how to read a particular habit ask yourself does this behavior help me become the type of person i wish to be does the habit cast a vote for one for or against my desire identity with enough practice your brain will pick up on the cues that predicts certain outcomes without consciously thinking once our habits become automatic we stop paying attention to what we're doing process of behavior change always starts with awareness you need to be aware of your habits before you can change them how many people think that they're on time so you need to be aware of your habits you know what you do it's called the spreadsheet and you actually record how many people think i had a good eating day i had ate healthy today until you start recording what you ate i was on time until you start recording what you're timing i sleep enough it's not true that i'm someone's yelling at you you only sleep four or five hours a night what are you talking about seven eight hours a night okay start a spreadsheet self-awareness what gets measured gets managed start tracking what you're doing so that you can actually analyze you cannot change something if you're not honest about what it is your finances and your budget how many people are living in the red and they're in denial of it they're in debt without knowing it because they're not managing their finances they're not honest about their income and their expenses there's no spreadsheet to actually measure it there's no self-awareness pointing and calling raises your level of awareness from a non-conscious habit to a more conscious level by verbalizing your actions and so on and he has in the book you can find it on his website a habit scorecard to track your habits score your habits and try to change or adjust your habits to merge with the identity you claim you want to have so atomic habits claims that we're not going to make meaningful change in our lives and become the version of ourselves that we want to be until we have self-awareness you know who else said that our holy torah reverse writes in source hit paul to davin to pray it's called hitpail feel is derived from the word hit paul but it's a reflexive word titpa says her first the famous idea we've all heard it that tfila is not actually a process of talking to god davening praying tefila is meant to deliver an opinion about oneself to judge oneself and in her attempt at doing such as hit paell it's a reflexive it denotes to step out of active life in order to attempt to gain a true judgment about oneself you know what davening is before i begin my day i go to chakras because before i begin my day i go through the exercise of davening to judgment how do i feel what do i have in store today what do i need to get done today how well-behaved have i been today who am i today and how am i thought about others today darling is the mirror i hold up to myself to measure myself hit pile it's reflexive i'm trying to measure who i am and who i want to be and then i go in my day and you know what maybe i started out strong but then i got distracted and i got tempted and i didn't behave the way i wanted to be minha comes in the middle of my day here comes the mirror again called minha has a mirror and it says no are you living up to who you said you want to be hit pale hit paell we are judging ourselves we're evaluating ourselves we're measuring ourselves you claim to care about wisdom what are you doing to pursue wisdom you came to value health or you live a healthy life each time we dive and we talk to god we're really talking to ourselves we're measuring and evaluating ourselves we are trying to have self-awareness of ourselves it is a radically different perspective on what davening is dominating is not just about talking or pleading or begging god davening is the mirror or the measure davening is the spreadsheet that enables us to do a check-in three times a day three times a day we check in with ourselves is are we living the way we've promised and pledged to revolve source 39 also talks about you have to have self-awareness you're not going to grow you're not going to improve you're not going to be your best selves you can't have meaningful relationships how can you have a relationship with a spouse if you have no self-awareness of who you are how you're behaved how you make others feel how can you have success with children with friends with co-workers all those people will be having a relationship around the idea of you but if you don't have any sense of your own self how can you expect others to have a real relationship with you it is the beginning of relationships self-awareness self-awareness the next idea is small goals revolve as another essay source 40. all these are few to learn or read not at night not now but in the future take them they're they're gold they're beautiful and as always short of oba talks about do you know how you make change in your life mice and katanam small little change the importance of little change on the top of the next page you have it in the translation it's a translation of what he writes in another show it's normal for a person who wishes to rectify the world to think of a grand method that encompasses great breath or of a global organization for peace of justice someone who wishes to amend themselves also thinks of great and impressive actions of kindness or holiness where completion can rise to small deeds which barely require effort but the truth is the person is built specifically from small deeds the practice of medicine serves to illustrate listen to revolver's example he says the quantity of the active ingredient in a given medicine is tiny maybe one milligram if the medicine would contain a larger amount of the ingredient it would cause someone damage rather than heal him he might even die this is the first principle of working on oneself by no means should the method of labor be burdensome nice and katanan small little incremental measurable change change is not overnight change is not radical the change has to be small baby steps that we can measure and experience its success but differently our rabbi said in source 41 to fast if you try to take on too much you can't take on anything but if you take on a little bit then you're going to be able to take on everything and here too atomic habits james clear has such a beautiful description i gave you several pages and you can read it on your own where he talks about the importance of these small goals he has a he coins a phrase the aggregation of marginal gains the aggregate of marginal gains habits of the compound interest of self-improvement the same way that money multiplies through compound interest the effect of your habits multiply as you repeat them they seem to make little difference on any given day but the impact they deliver over months and years is enormous it's only when looking back two five or maybe 10 years later the value of good habits and the cost of bad ones becomes strikingly apparent you see that chart a little one percent improvement over time one percent every day for one year is a improvement if you want to change your exercise habit your exercise routine you want to change your eating habits you want to change your relationships your medos your qualities your punctuality your patience one percent change every day we could all do that right one percent one percent one percent change to our exercise routine a one percent change you remember on behind the bema we had earlier this year a couple who celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary they're both over 100 years old and they celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary an amazing couple and we asked the man what do you credit your longevity to so he told us when i was a young man i was told never take an elevator when you could take the stairs and he said he lives in boca west he said today so far twice i've taken the stairs instead of the elevator he's like 105 years old that's a one percent incremental change ever since that behind the beam i've been trying to take the stairs instead of the elevator you don't have to park in the closest spot you know we have this thing we'll circle the parking lot there was a spot like six parking spots away and they said oh wait wait honey someone's pulling out in the first spot back up and go take the first spot because the extra three steps and where's the parking lot outside the gym one percent change little changes take the stairs not the elevator park far away every time you go shopping or go to do something you'll gain a few extra steps eat a little bit less leave a little left over on your plate stop eating a little bit earlier a one percent change will compound to a 37 result at the end of the year to fast faster our rabbis knew this long ago nice and katana revolver small changes revolver went to israel's border with egypt to encourage israeli soldiers during the yom kippur war during the yom kippur war we're going to commemorate the anniversary in a few days of the yom kippur war so the vulva went to the front line to meet with soldiers to give them encouragement during the war and the air force pilots described to the vulba that the best way for the israeli air force to avoid enemy fire is to fly low if you fly low then you could avoid the egyptian radar so revolver said i love that you know why because in life the yetzahara is looking for you when you fly high the radar the atari picks up when you set these big lofty goals i'm running the marathon i'm never eating unhealthy again i'm always on time for that i'm never gasping i'm learning shots by tomorrow we set these enormous goals and then the radar of the atara picks it up but we fly low small little one percent change small little incremental goals they add up and they compound and the radar the itsahara can never pick up on it just a couple more suggestions and then i'll let you all go become the best versions of yourselves michelle pierce tells us 43 then mitzvah guerrero's mitzvah mitzvot guerrero smith so i skipped one i'm sorry hold on go back page 49 james clear talks about something called habit stacking anyone ever hear of habit stacking one of the best ways to improve our habits and our behavior is to stack our habits one to the other habit stacking when it comes to building new habits you can use the connectedness of behavior to your advantage one of the best ways to build a new habit is to identify a current habit you have and then stack your new behavior on top of that it's called habit stacking habit stacking is a special form of an implementation rather than pairing a new app with a particular time and location you pair with a current habit the method which was created by dj fog as part of the tiny habits program can be used as a cue for nearly any habit after i pour my cup of coffee every morning i meditate a minute after i take off my work shoes i change into my workout clothing after i sit down to dinner i say one thing i'm grateful for that day and so on person struggles how many people here are prescribed medicines we're supposed to be taking but we skip a lot of days we skip a lot of nights and we forget and we don't but if you put the medicine bottle next to your toothbrush and hopefully you're not forgetting to brush your teeth then every time you brush your teeth you can remember to take your medicine that example is called habit stacking so let's say you never learn but you know when i dive in and shul there's always someone there who afterwards i sit down for a few minutes to learn i can have it stack my mitzvos and i argue that's what ghazal meant and they said in source 43 and pierce mitzvah guerrero's mitzvah those are mitzvah stacking habit stacking mitzvah guerrero's mitzvah attach one mitzvah to another mitzvah when i dive and when i finish i say tail and after my davoning i do shania mikra on my way home from shul i stop to check in on somebody who i care about i can stack my mitzvos so that one habit leads to and supports another habit and lastly an accountability partner he has a whole chapter on the importance of not just pledging and promising the changes we want to make but actually recruiting people to hold us accountable to hold us accountable to make sure that we're doing what we say we wanted to do that we're going to make our behavior conform to the identity we pledge and promise to have gaza rabbis also knew this the possible if one person falls you say remember we agreed we were going to try not to eat that or don't cancel the chavru we said we're going to learn or i didn't see you with shul i thought we're going to go to that minion together and we're going to be there five minutes early together we're going to challenge one another we're going to hold each other accountable we're going to push each other to be and become the very best version that we could be of ourselves we've spent a long evening tonight talking about how we can cut that rope that's holding us back the habits that we formed in our teen years our adolescence or early adulthood like the elephant don't have to imprison and hold us back until today we can break free we can be the people we want to be and we pledge to be and we're capable of becoming there's some people here who are under achieving professionally who could be earning and could be impacting and could be achieving but we have to push ourselves to break the habits those voices of negativity and the identity of self-defeat and sabotage there are people here whose relationships are floundering because we fly off the handle we lose our cool we're impatient we get angry we micromanage it's our way or the highway and we think because we feel that urge we have to act in that way but we don't we can sit with that urge until it comes and and then i ask ourselves what would be a better way to have the self-awareness of what would be a better way to behave so that we can be loved and our spiritual emotional physical mental well-being every one of us can break through this year to be and become the people we were meant to be the famous escape artist harry houdini he was famous for his ability to break out of the most secure locks and cells and prisons and one time a warden bragged that he had a cell a prison cell that even the great harry houdini could not break out of so houdini of course accepted the challenge he was placed in the cell and they began trying to find a way out and houdini went into his bag of tricks he tried everything every nook every cranny every corner the ceiling of the cell he tried everything but even the great harry houdini could not find a way out so finally at a sheer exhaustion and frustration he leaned against the door of the cell and it swung right open the door had never been locked and even the great harry houdini could not break out and couldn't open a bolt that wasn't locked to begin with we think that we are imprisoned by our habits we think that we are imprisoned by our background or by our genetics we think that we are imprisoned by the life that we've led until this point but the only thing holding us back and imprisoning us is ourselves the door is wide open and tonight i invite you to walk through with me to picture and to envision an identity not of who we are and who we were but who we can become not a version of ourselves but the best version of ourselves as an individual to have a self-awareness of our relationship with hashem do i clinton do i submit and surrender to him do i talk to him do i make time for him do i feel his presence in my life am i accountable to him what kind of relationships do we want with the people around us if we're married with our spouse if we're a parent with our children how do we want to be thought of as a grandparent what we wanted to say on our grave what are the eulogies we want to be given and how can we reverse engineer our lives to finally let ourselves free to live those lives the only thing holding us back is ourselves but it begins with the self-awareness to name our identity to set those goals and to be able to make that difference and please god please god when we do it should be signed and sealed for a year of only tremendous bracha should see how we've recreated like the great rav hootner said as enormous as the creation of heaven and earth is our process of recreating ourselves and recreating our relationships and recreating our identity let us recreate together let us redeem ourselves together let us set ourselves free together