Rabbi Shimon Russell, Navigating Yom Tov for ALL of Our Children

Yeah. Okay, good evening. Good luck. Continue down the path of sorrows and troubles. With Hashem's help, all the Jewish people are on a winning streak. It should just continue. Should defeat our enemies in the year of its curses to the end. Tanchuma ben Ephraim should begin the year in its brachos. And what a way to end the year with a special privilege, special opportunity, the week of Rosh Hashanah itself. And open everyone here. There were five people who wanted to be here tonight who couldn't, which is why we didn't tell you in advance, but we are recording it for them. With everyone else's permission. And I know you didn't come to hear me, so I'll really just very briefly introduce Rabbi Russ by thanking him. With the privilege of meeting first last year, again this year. And certain people you meet right away and instantly you feel like I found a friend. And more than a friend, I found a mentor and a guide. And I think for our generation, whether it's Rabbi Russ's incredible book, which everybody, every parent, grandparent, aspiring parent should read, or whether it's those who listen to the talks online and offline, for clients from the Jewish people to have a compass and a guide as we're navigating our way through very stormy seas and very difficult times and trying to make sense out of chaos. And it's the worst thing in the world to just feel lost and I don't know what to do. And practically, what am I meant to react and what am I meant to say and how do I guide, how do I live, how do I trust, how do I love? And to have someone who's so steeped in Torah, who's been in Torah for so many years in learning, who also has the background and the accomplishment in in psychology, in therapy, in the world of mental health, and the combination of the two authentically. And not like a rabbi or a yeshiva shul or yeshiva where they read a few articles and a few books and put it together and you know, for an hour and a half tries to entertain people and inspire them to do more study on their own, but to really be the source and resource of all that is a gift, is nothing short of a gift to find yourself. So, I say this publicly. Hopefully not getting in trouble because we've begun to discuss, but we haven't locked it in. Tonight is a little appetizer. We're wetting the appetite. We're very blessed that the Rabbi Russell's family in Hollywood were able to get here too in honor of the marriage of Simcha. So, he has reason to be in South Florida. We talked around to have him up here tonight, one of the busiest weeks of the year. But, this is not it. We're planning a major Shabbos with Rabbi Russell and a kosher nachas weekend around it. There will be a weekend filled with inspiration and chizuk for all who need. And are there any who don't need, who aren't trying to figure things out? So, tonight is just the beginning. It's just to wet the appetite. It's just to get us started. And I want to thank from my heart. In theory, he's in Florida networking. And not speaking and not lecturing, but uh through this newfound friendship, we pushed a little bit and we made tonight happen. So, I'm eternally grateful for the friendship and the mentorship and for being here tonight sharing the inspiration with us to help us as we're entering the Yamim Noraim, which are the days of awe, and for too many people are awful days for themselves and what it triggers within them, for a sense of loneliness and a reality of their lives, for their own children, as it's causing them to look in the mirror and consider where they're at. And there's nobody better to help us with that compass navigate our way so that these days of awe cannot be awful days, but be uplifting and inspiring days. Without any further ado, the Rosh Yeshiva of us. Thank you for the wonderful introduction. I would go with thank you. And uh feeling's mutual. So, thank you all for coming. I appreciate it very much. It's always a bit nerve-wracking you go out of town and four people come and say they got the wrong night. Let me start with a with a a story. And whenever Not whenever, frequently when I speak on anything related to parenting, I'm cognizant there's like two disclaimers that I feel needs to be just pointed out before we start. So, there's a a fabulous story the Chofetz Chaim. Chofetz Chaim was um he lost his wife. He remarried. He was late in life with younger children. And it seems as I read the story, he was walking together with his famed talmid, Reb Moshe Schneider. His favorite talmid Reb Moshe and the Chofetz Chaim reflected to Reb Moshe, "But uh I'm coming to the end of my life. I have younger children. So, who's going to be mechanech my children for me after I'm gone? Who's going to take care of them?" So, Reb Moshe wisely said nothing and waited. And the Chofetz Chaim said something fascinating. He said to him, "The truth is it's not a problem. Because hatslocha with our children is 100% siyata d'Shmaya." These are the Chofetz Chaim's words, he said. So, he paused. And he said, "Reb Moshe, you probably have a question." And he did have the question. And he said, "This was the question. If hatslocha with our children is 100% siyata d'Shmaya, then how come we work so hard? I mean, our whole family life, our focus, our attention, our worry, our data is all about our children. We constantly, constantly worry. We read books, we go to workshops and lectures, even now right for Yom Tov. And we're busy worrying about our kids and trying to take care of our kids. If it's all siyata d'Shmaya, so so, so what are we working so hard? Why do we put so much effort in? The Chofetz Chaim said something amazing. So, he said, the reason we work so hard is for ourselves, so that when we come one day after 120 years, when we pass on to the next world, we need to be able to go and say, "I did the best I could. I tried. I read books. I went to workshops. I went to presentations. I asked people. I asked experts. I did everything I could. But ultimately, the whole thing is siyata d'Shmaya. Why is this important? Because you can walk home. I hope I'm going to say something useful. I really do. But let's say I do say something useful. And some of you feel I can't do that. That's over my head. That's not possible given my family, my circumstance, my situation. For example, I frequently talk about the obligation of husband and wife, we we get we relate to each other, talk to each other. And then in the audience, there are people in single families who don't have that opportunity. It's frequently, frequently I I notice because people tell me, they go home after a a drasha, after a lecture, and they feel somehow that was over my head. I was naked to do it. It doesn't fit for me. Somehow I or I just can't, and I feel like such a failure. So, what the Chofetz Chaim is saying, which is so, so special, is it's the exact opposite. We simply have to do our best. We have to try as hard as we can. We have to learn, seek advice, seek answer, think about what we're doing. In order to try and do the best that I can. While at the same time, we understand the absolute outcome. There are just too many details. There are too many possibilities of what can happen as I would play out tonight. That we absolutely have to rely on T'fillah, and Doven, say T'hillim, and rely on Si'ata Dishmaya. And move with it. As the Hobbit's time said, we understand I'm just trying to do the best I can. So, please, I don't want anyone walking home distraught. Just take the best you can out of this. And so, later starting you should all have Si'ata Dishmaya. By the way, sometimes I have a hard time speaking English. When When it happens, just wait. If I forgive me, if I don't translate something, and it slips out, you're not sure what I said, and it's important, trust me, wait. I'm fine. I'll be fine with it. And I'll correct myself. I apologize. It just happens. I can't help it. So, what is Yom Tov? Yom Tov is a very challenging time for every person. Yom Tov is meant to be beyond the right lifting, exciting, fresh start, a new leaf. You know, it's it's the truth is it brings with it the days of awe are meant to be as the Rebbe meant to be awesome. They're meant to be awesome days where we put kindness in and bring ourselves closer to Hashem again, closer to Hashem. These are very, very special times for us. At the same time, they are incredibly stressful. Without any question, for every single one of us. They are very, very stressful times. They're stressful practically speaking and getting up we got up this morning 5:00 in the morning for sleepers. Same thing here. Right? We got up at We got up early for sleepers every day. The whole clock is thrown off with sleepers and long to fill us. And there's all the davening we have to do and then the sukkahs and the preparing preparing for the sukkahs, the meals and the clean up the sukkahs. I mean, it is a very stressful period of time for all of us. We want it to be uplifting. And the truth is, we're all faced with enormous stress at the same time. And then there's the money related stress. It costs a lot of money. It costs for the food, the amount of just the amount of food we eat. Maybe the gym afterwards to lose all the weight. You know, it's all very expensive. The mitzvahs themselves, the sukkah and the dalet bet and all the other things that we're busy doing. Turns out that this is a very, very stressful period of time as well. And we have to be cognizant. That's not a personal thing for any individual. We are all very stressed out going into this sukkah. And we need to be aware of that. So that we can modify ourselves to understand, what do I do with that stress? And why would I share you to create that stress in the first place? There's nothing that happens to us in the course of our lives that I could just brings present to us that's not of value. Everything is of value to us. And in a certain way, I'd like to suggest that we're going to think about the stress through the night. And think, how is that of a value to me? And how's that of value to my children? How can I bring that as a value to my home? Because it's a fact, we are stressed out. So let's not think of it as in the way. But let's think of it as something that we're going to utilize and understand how to use it properly. And then of course, the stress with the kids. Let's be honest, kids are off school, they're home, they're bored, they're always bored and hungry. Hungry at the wrong time. And it goes with being bored and hungry all day long. And they drive us mad. Let's be honest. The stress that the children this what we said at the beginning, all we want in our homes is to bring up wonderful children. That's our greatest focus of our lives that we should bring up healthy, wonderful children. And here we see them with our stress and their stress on top of it. The Yom Tov presents us a very challenging time. And we need to think through how do we like approach it, relate to it, but and redefine it in our minds so instead of being scared of it, let's harness the energy of all that stress to do something amazing with our children, with our homes. That's really the goal of focus of what I'd like to share tonight. So, there's actually three areas I'm going to talk about. One is build up. What is our role as a parent? What is my role as a Jewish parent? What am I meant to be doing? Let's Let's re-clarify that so I understand what I'm meant to be doing over this period of Sukkot. Second one is going to be we're going to focus on let's have a reset of how we understand children. We cannot take just go into it and just hope for the best, but we need to like everything else we do in this Sukkot, this period of of the year where we rethink things, we also have to rethink how do I relate to my children? How do I understand my children? Bringing up kids. How do I understand their struggles, their issues? And how do I understand that from the perspective I share? How does that work? And then we're going to bring it together hopefully. The third part will be practical advice, guidance for what we're actually going to do with our kids. It's going to be helpful for all of us and so that we could all have the ultimate experience. So let's start with a story. And this story is a well-known story. I personally like the story because there's so much relevance we can pull out of this story. And it's the famous story I wrote about it in the book. The story with the Bobover Rebbe of Shalom Halberstam saying suddenly the bracha. Famous famous story. Where one day he was walking, this is after the Holocaust. And he was walking to shul one time with his son. And on the way to shul, he passed by a Yid on Shabbos sitting there smoking. And he stopped. The Rebbe stopped and he saw this man smoking. And he turned to him and he said, "Maybe you want to come to our shul with us. Maybe you'll come and daven with us." And he declined. Said, "No, it's not for me. I'm I'm done with that. I'm finished with that." And he continued smoking. And they left, the Wishnitzer Shul left. There are variations on this story by the way. It doesn't really matter. The the essence of the story is what's important. So then the next Shabbos they come by and there he is sitting there again and smoking. Points out he's They ask him again, "You stopped with Shabbos. Would you care to join us? Come to our shul or come daven with us?" I'm I'm a challal Shabbos for crying out loud. It's not keeping Shabbos properly. And the Rebbe asked him, "Please come with us." And he said he was once a thousand in Europe. He said, "Can't be a thousand. One for we need a thousand. Maybe you could be a thousand." And he he declined. And this went on week after week of him declining. As they saw him many times, the son, the Rebbe's son turned to him. And he said something so profound. He said to him, "Tatti," he said, "his profound shyness bothers you. He's not giving you shyness. The wish that he come to our shul always matters. He's going to be in the house. But he's not giving you shyness." And the Rebbe said to himself, "The The past has to stay with us internally. We have to live it." Because the Rebbe told him, "I don't see a Yid smoking. I see it the Nazi smoking. I see Hitler smoking. I see Machshava. I don't see a Yid smoking. I see a real Yid. That's not the person who smoked." It's something so incredibly profound. After some weeks, eventually, it seems that the man agreed. And he came to their shul and he began to have them in their shul. He got them in the bubble and he began to have them. Years later, if you fast forward, if you remember the story, those who have heard it, apparently the Rebbe was invited one time to a simcha, a simcha, I think it was. And he came and of course there's hundreds of people there and they didn't know who it was. But it was the grandchildren of this man who told him, "Take a look. These are your grandchildren." "These are your grandchildren because you took the time to look deeper." The first step for us as parents, as grandparents, is to look deeper. To look inside our children, you know, in their version of whatever they're doing, inside that child is a pinch of a Yid like any other person, a perfect shalom, a perfect, wonderful Jew. And we get so wrapped up with the external behavior. We get so upset with whether it's the chutzpah, the defiant when they when they don't cooperate with us. We get so lost in trying to fix that that we fail to see the penimius of the penimius. We fail to see the real Jew inside and activate bring out that beautiful Jewish neshama that's inside cuz we get lost in the outside here and spoken on the outside that we get lost. What the Rebbe offered to this year This year was a trauma victim. He was traumatized in the war. He was detached from Torah mitzvahs. He was detached from himself. But what the Rebbe in one moment offered him was reattachment, which is really what the opposite of trauma. What is trauma? Trauma means detached. This you translate the word trauma, it really means disconnect. Person has trauma disconnects from life. They disconnect because life is dangerous. It's threatening. So they disconnect. What the Rebbe offered in one moment was a way to reconnect. And that's really what we're trying to do with our children. The The primary first step with all our children the first goal is reconnection or connection to us so that we may take them to the place through their connection to us. Through attachment. Some years ago this word attachment about 7 or 8 years ago I made a decision to sort of start talking about this world this word in the firm world. Because to me it represented everything about what we're trying to do. See you can daven. You can give brushes to your kids. You can tell them all sorts of speeches. But if you're not attached if they're not attached to you, connected to you, if they don't resonate to you, if they don't feel they're connected to you, what point is it? As a matter of fact, all those drashas actually repel. They push them away. They don't draw them close. And somehow we get bigger on the drashas and the and and telling them the do the rules of what they have to do and how they have to behave and try to perfect their middos at the expense of attachment, of connection. And especially when we're very stressed, especially at a time like this when we're looking for compliance in our kids and we get so focused on the compliance, and what we lose is the attachment. The first step for all of us is to rethink how we got to create a deep attachment with our children. At this time of year, especially, that this is one is going for compliance if we haven't worked hard enough on attachment. And how do we work on attachment? As a mitzvah the Torah fascinating. As a mitzvah everyone knows mitzvah period really, right? We're meant to have children, bring them to the world. So actually this mitzvah of bringing children into the world, the Kitzur explains it's actually two parts, it's two mitzvahs. It's really the technical part of having children by bringing creating a child or bringing it to the world. And then if you look at Shulchan Aruch, Mitzvah, he says there's another part to this mitzvah, it's called the Shevet Yisrael. The Shevet Yisrael is a possuk in Yeshayahu. And the possuk says, "Lo so bara Hashem Yisrael." Hashem did not create the world to be a barren place, but to be a place inhabited by people. He wants it full of people. So, what type of people? What does it mean he wants it the world full of people? There's few proofs I have. I'm not going to go into it now. It's not the time. Maybe on the showers when I come up with it. But, trust me on this. What he actually means is the following. Hashem wants people wants us to create and fill his world with people, human beings, who are healthy in body and healthy in mind, who are happy, who are capable of self-love, and capable of loving others. That is more or less the mitzvah Hashem is so that's what Hashem wants. The ideal picture is to fill the world with people who are healthy in body and mind, happy, capable of self-love, and capable of loving others. That's what Hashem wants. At the same time as we have this mitzvah that we from here, right? We're from Jews, right? So, we have a mitzvah also chinuch. We have a mitzvah chinuch we have to make our children. And really all our lives we're doing these two things side by side. Side by side, ideally, ideally, we're trying to create a human being who is, shall we say, I don't like the word exactly, but sort of psychologically healthy. I'm not sure Hashem would have said it that way, but let's let's use the the modern vernacular. A healthy person. Healthy in body and mind, happy, capable of self-love, loving others. At the same time we have another mitzvah which is chinuch, which is to teach them how to do mitzvahs, what the mitzvahs are. So, we teach them about tzitzit, we teach them about today, we teach them about putting on tzitzit, and eating, and making brachas, and all the beautiful things that we do as frum Jews to try and bring up our children in our mesorah that they should follow in our footsteps. These are the two things. Here's the question. And I wonder if anyone has ever ever thought this question. Because everyone I'm going to ask you a question and I'm going to answer it. In my humble opinion, if there's nothing else I say tonight, if I would stop here, it would be worth tonight. Sounds very grandiose, but I really mean it. If I wouldn't say anything else, just this, it would be worth it for tonight. Here's the question. You're busy doing the Shabbos the midst of bringing up a healthy human being, balanced to healthy and you know, the normal healthy human being. Same time, you have a mitzvah to install mitzvahs, to teach the mitzvahs. When they're parallel, it's all beautiful, it works fine. Here's the question. What happens when they clash? When they clash in the attempt or effort to install mitzvahs, it will contradict the ability to bring up a healthy child. They you know, the child pushes back. They're resistant, they don't want to comply. You're trying to get them to wash, or say brochos, or do whatever. Every parent knows this. You're trying in some way or the other to get them to cooperate with Shabbos, and kashrus, and life, and mitzvahs, and brochos, and everything else, all the beautiful things we do. And they push back. They're not in the mood. They're just busy. Whatever that means. Playing in their, you know, whatever they're playing, they're busy. They're not in the mood, and they don't cooperate. In the midst moment, every single Jewish parent is faced with a dilemma. I have the installation of mitzvahs, and a mitzvah of go to cheder to install mitzvahs in my child, and the same time I got this mitzvah of shabbos to sorrow. Which one takes precedence? In my humble opinion, I'm going to tell you the answer. And we can stop now, everyone goes home, and has a happy life. Because the answer is the child's desire to take precedence, and we never realized it. We should not sit down and think to ourselves that we're working through. But when, I'm saying very clearly, with a child, when there's a contradiction, you never ever compromise the development of a healthy person for the sake of forcing them, getting them, compelling them to do a mitzvah. As a matter of fact, that would be absolutely contradictory to Ruach Hakodesh. That would be the opposite. That would create inside them a level of repulsion towards the mitzvah. It would be the opposite. Whenever there's a contradiction, you as a parent have to have your primary focus, we, when I say you, we, all of us, parents, grandparents, we have to have a primary Oops, so you keep your eye on the ball. We are going to be faced with a lot of mitzvahs. We always From now till after Sukkot, it's non-stop mitzvah time. And we want our kids to participate in those mitzvahs. You never compromise the development of a healthy human being for the sake of a mitzvah. That means you let it go. If you have If you don't have the language, if you don't have the ability in a loving, soft way to help them do it and engage them in the mitzvah, then let it go. Because developing a healthy human being, that healthy human being will be a clay kibble. They'll be a receptor. Is that a word? Something. Receptive. Is that a word? Receptacle. Sorry, lost it there. It's my ears. I don't know. I can't help it. I'm sorry. Clay kibble is such a nice word. The The receptacle. A beautiful receptacle for mitzvahs. Made in fact what is amazing is when you bring up healthy children, where you put the primary focus on this. You're doing both all the time. You're always busy with both. But when there's only only I want to be very clear. When there's that moment of contradiction, you always lean in favor of the sharing of the Torah against the mitzvah, you create a receptacle that later on the mitzvahs fall in just beautiful. They just fall in beautiful. When I was asked one of the Gedolim I asked Rav Zalman Auerbach shlita, he should live a long life, he is such amazing person. And I asked him, how many times when they were growing up if they didn't wash negel vasser when they were little kids, did Rav Yaakov remind them to do it? How many times did he get nudged to do a mitzvah like negel vasser, benching? Once. Benched him one time and then left. Left alone. No forcing, no pressure, no pushing. Just the confidence that if you bring up healthy child, you'll create you a human being in which the mitzvahs will We're only busy in this for this period of time. We've got so many mitzvahs we're busy with. Never Never let go. Always keep your eye on the ball. The sharing of the Torah comes first. Developing a healthy person takes precedence if and when there's a contradiction. What's the second way we connect our kids to us? So, I talk about this all the time. Sometimes people think I'm a bit of a broken record, but quite honestly, it's also one of those so fundamental issues that if we don't make having clear in your head what we're doing to to create the attachment to us, well, then we're not going to do it. It's not going to happen. I saw this first in Dan Siegel, one of his books where he is talking about attachment. And he mentioned the four S's: safe, secure, seen, and soothed. I I don't know if anyone is familiar with If you're familiar with this, I'll just say it very quickly. You know, this is a whole speech on its own. Maybe I'll come back to go very much into detail of what it means. But But in short, what it means, safe, secure, seen, and soothed, is the primary focus you have with your children. Is to keep in your mind all the time, am I making sure my children are safe? They're safe from any form of abuse or hurt, or being yelled at, or put down, or criticized, or being destroyed. I keep them safe. Are they secure with us? Are they secure with our love for each other? Are they secure with the way we approach a Yom Tov with joy and happiness, that it's going to be nice, there's not going to be a last-minute putting up the sukkah with everyone screaming and yelling, and it's hardly wrapped, it's 10 minutes to Shkiya, and he's still not in the sukkah. No. Are they secure? No, it really happens. I mean, I've seen it, believe me. You know, we got a minimal sukkah. Okay, we got enough of the momentum standing in the sukkah. You know, it's like crazy. Are they secure with our life? And that security plays out in how we approach the Yom Tov. What they I'll speak about in a moment, how they experience us. In this Yom Tov, in this preparation for and enjoyment of the Yom Tov. Are they secure the way I'm living the Yom Tov? Are they seen? Do we notice them? Seen. Seen is like, you know, probably the most important thing in this world. You know, people tend to have a bunch of kids. I don't know if anyone ever thought about it. You got the kids, you speak to each other. Like, where's the kids? Let's get the kids Let's get the kids in the bath. Let's get the kids in the car. There's this thing called kids. And we're just like, you know, manipulate the kids. It's the kids. It's such great thought because when they grow up and the youngest is like, you know, 25 and the oldest is who knows what, 40, they are 100% different people. You will know that. You have siblings. They have different people, different families, different rules, different homes. You know, we look alike and there's certain similarities, but we're different. Well, it started young. That's actually, again, when I come back to Mr. Sherman. I'll give you a sheer on "Fathers and Mothers." And you'll see I'm getting pulled into it already, you know. But but the people die is unbelievable. I've heard so many interruptions from very well-meaning people and halfway through the drash they say, "Fathers and Mothers, I'll be back." Be machanech, be educate your child according to his dirt. And they think that if they say it loud enough, he'll know how to do it. And they make mention, you ever seen that? Like, It's only you go home and I'll do it. It actually makes no sense. So, once I sat down for a whole sheer on how do you actually do it? What does it mean? Because doctor, that involves I'll be back home. One half of one sentence, one wise guy approached me and said, "Fathers and Mothers, I'll be back home." He said, "No, no, no. The verb is talking about the machanech. Is it "Fathers and Mothers, I'll be back home shall have"? If you machanech according to the dirt of the father. You can't get more crazy than that. We have to look at our kids and know who they are. We have to stand back and really think about the uniqueness of our children. That seeing, we have to see them. I tried very, very hard in my, you know, when I finally helped, you know, the mess we were making with our kids, and I finally helped and and decided to try and do it right. Friday night, during the week I would always, you know, I give my blessing on Friday night. So, during the week, I would actually observe them and try to notice something special. So, when I give my blessing, I give them a kiss Friday night, I could whisper in their ear something I noticed that week that was unique about them. That's seen. And by the way, seen can be also I see you're struggling with this. It doesn't always have to be just a minor. Sometimes a gentle, you know, reflection of something they're struggling with is also a blessing. It's a wonderful blessing to them. But they don't need We have to notice our kids at school. And the last one is soothed. Soothed when they You know, they get in trouble in life. Kids go through trouble, especially when they caused the trouble themselves. You know, you tell your little one he's riding his bike, you know, with the training wheels, and you tell him, "You know, when Poppy comes, I'll take the wheels off. I'll get to it." He's begging for the wheels to stay. And then no, "You have to wait till I take the wheels off." And eventually, of course, he takes them off himself, breaks his finger, and you end up in the hospital. You know, and all you do all the way there is I told you not to take those wheels. What's the matter with you? No. You soothe him. You put him on your lap and you're strengthening him and you're warming him and you're loving them. You want to tell him about what he did wrong? Wait 2 days. Wait a week. Tell him later, not now. When a child hurts themselves, even if you perceive they brought it on themselves, first you sit them on your lap and you give them, you know, warmth and love and you you soothe them first. And if you do safe, secure, seen, and soothed, you do them all together. You create an amazing attachment between yourself and your child. And why is that important? Well, it's important for a host of reasons. In reference to what we're discussing this tonight, why is that? It's important because lo and behold, it turns out that the masorah sh torah, that means the transmission of our Torah values, to our children, doesn't come through drashas, speeches. That's how the adults it comes through speeches, especially with rabbis. With their outstanding speeches. It comes That process adults, but not the children. For children, it turns out that the masorah, the transmission of our values, comes through their relationship with us. Not what we say, but who we are. Their connection to who we are, to our core values, is how the transmission of our values occurs. It does not occur through our speeches and drashas. My mother, alav hashalom, was a teacher for 40 years. She taught every type in Britain. And I had a brother, alav hashalom, who worked in the education department in London where we lived. One time, he took a look and told us that my mother, alav hashalom, was ranked number two teacher where we lived in London. That's pretty high. I I don't know who number one was. Must be number two chance. Because my mother was an amazing human being. So I said to my mother one time, "Mommy, what do you think made you such an amazing teacher? Number two in London where we lived, that's pretty high." Like this, she said without hesitating, listen to this. She said, "Every day I went into the classroom, I tried to present myself as a person that every child would want to be. If they want to be me, cuz they admire me so much, well then all the knowledge just flows. Everything I have to teach, that they want it, cuz they want to be me that attachment of the deepest love. That's an attunement to the children in a way where they connect with them so deeply they want to be me and it turns out the Messiah of Torah that the transmission of all these wonderful things we wish our kids would do and participate in and be involved in in their in their lives comes through their relationship with us. It doesn't come through drashas or our speeches. It comes through how we act. How we behave especially in reference to our attachment with them. If they're attached to us, listen to it this way. If our job is our work essentially There's in Shamayim we're going to send fellows over the only right the Av Harachamim. We can talk about the Av Harachamim. The loving Av Harachamim the compassionate father in Shamayim. How do we get our kids to mature enough that they can relate to a concept of a Av Harachamim in Shamayim? And the answer is by transference from us. They experience us as the Av Harachamim. And Av Harachamim doesn't mean weakness. There there's another drasha. There's another drasha cuz I the whole liberal, you know, is such a foolish submissive foolish way of life. Av Harachamim doesn't mean being weak. On the contrary, it means being strong in principle and having values. But it's doing it with kindness. It's doing it with love and compassion where the child like can rely on us, me, the father as the Av Harachamim. And from that experience with me, the attachment to me as Abba Racham and that means as I said being disciplined and structured and having rules and values. Having principles, having structure, but doing it with kindness. Doing it with sensitivity without barking and anger and frustration and disappointment to motivate them. But doing it especially in this generation doing it with kindness and love. And when they have that experience with me they transfer as they matriculate. You know, as they mature as they become more thoughtful and deep people they by osmosis they they absorb it and they transfer it to God bless them all. Where they see Hashem as the ultimate Abba Racham, which is really what we want. And that starts with their attachment to us. And us focusing on what is really the priority. This goes a little deeper. So the whole Yom Kippur and the right What was the point of Yom Kippur? So we are going through a period of time where the focus in Kippur is about teshuvah. We start with reminding ourselves of Hashem on Rosh Hashanah, where we acknowledge Hashem's kingship, we come to Yom Kippur with teshuvah and then we rejoice with Simcha. We rejoice together reattached to Hashem. Over Sukkot culminating in Simchat Torah with the joy of attachment. The pleasure of the connection to God bless him all. It's all about reconnecting to Hashem. Teshuvah means shuv means to go back. You know, in a simple language we've strayed. Sar min ha'ne'er, we've distanced ourselves from Hashem. We didn't do it deliberately, obviously not. And the greatest gift, when you think about it, I always think about it, that the most incredible gift we have in God from Hashem is probably the only one. Imagine if we wouldn't have a yearly reset, trust Hashem. Imagine where we would fall to, how far we would stray if we didn't have this yearly reset where we can think it through and start again with fresh in our lives and our commitments and our relationships and our devotion. Teshuvah is about shuv, it's about going back to the connection to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. And so, as we go through this period, how do we do that? How do we reconnect? If If the principle the ultimate, if you think of all the Torah mitzvot reaching up to a pinnacle and a peak, what would be at the top of all the Torah and mitzvot? Like, what's the what's the apex? What's the pinnacle of that pyramid of all the Torah and mitzvot? It's a mitzvah called devekut, connect to God. The devekut, connect to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Everything is meant to bring us and sweep us back to a relationship with Hashem. What does that actually mean? To be connected to Hashem. So, the Torah and the mitzvot explain it's a principle based on the Torah and the mitzvot of emulating Hashem's midot. Hashem's characteristics, Hashem's qualities that we analyze and this is what we're going to do over this period. We're doing it in the slichot and the davening. It's all there and through the tefillot is that we work through, ideally, what are the midot of Hashem? What are his qualities? And we emulate those qualities, bringing godliness into our lives and bringing us into a connection with Hashem. Now, think about it. What do we want our kids to witness? What do we want them to see? Here we are at perhaps the the most I don't know, it's probably maybe Pesach. I don't know, the ladies are probably trying to Pesach cuz it's more stressful. I'm not sure. Could be. Could be. But, that's also a great time to be sane. We could say the same brush to them. And And it was we're going through a tremendous stressful time this year on so many different levels. Now, just imagine if we were to take this stress and recognize, I want to use this period of my life right now to emulate Hashem's midos, mah hu rachum af hu rachum, that means working on my midos. That is trying to be kind, sensitive, tuned in to each other, husband and wife, to friends, to our neighbors, to our children, we tuned in. Dafke at a time that is so tremendously stressful. What do you think is happening to our children? If And no one can deny, the kids don't miss it. There's stress going on, there's bitterness in every home with the the buying of food and the preparations and the Yom Tov and the mitzvahs, there's just stress. And in that stress where this whole period of time is about returning to Hashem and doing teshuvah, imagine if we would harness the power of mah hu rachum af hu rachum, of coming close to Hashem through emulating Hashem by doing working on my midos, on my character my character. The dafke in this stressful time, what do you think is happening to your children where they witness this? Where they witness our kindness, our tune mint, our sensitivity, dafke now. Our busyness to help each other, trying to be supportive, being patient with each other, and being sensitive and working together as individuals, as families, as a community to build a relationship with Hashem through working on our middos. What do you think we're doing? I'll tell you exactly what we're doing. We're programming the neural pathways in our children, in their heads, neural pathways in their brains to believe and feel and be programmed that this period of time is an opportunity for growth, is a special simcha, is a special time when we grow. That's what we're programming in their brains. Someone called me, it doesn't matter who. But someone called me and uh I heard that they were complaining bitterly about the Yom Tov and all the preparation, and how do I do it, and I I said, "What are you discussing with your friends right now?" And then basically all they're discussing So I asked this young lady, "Where are your children when you're complaining to each other how hard this whole period of time is? You're complaining about the food and the preparation and the buying and the cost and the stress and the cleanup and the thing and the preparation and what you're making and everything. When you're complaining about it, where are your children?" I think we know. Mention the difference. If in this period of time when we are trying to emulate Hashem, "Mah hu rachum af hu rachum." We're going to prioritize working on our middos, on our character, personality. I'm going to work on my middos doubly hard, more than I ever normally do. I'm going to work now to make sure my wife or my husband is cared for and thought about, and we're going to be sensitive and tuned in with our neighbors and our friends. we're all going to tune in to each other, be supportive to each other. Imagine what we're doing to our children. We'll tell you that we're going to do more for them in terms of what we program in our children about the soda, about our values, about the Shiva and the Yanas, the Shiva and being a Jew, than any possible drasha could ever teach them. You're actually programming them for success by converting the stressful period of time, this period of time, into one of loving, caring, and supporting for each other. You're programming your children for the ultimate success in this world. And for the joy and connections of the Yom Tov and and the soda. So, really this is the first introduction, the first idea I want to share. If we take advantage of this time of the year, we recognize that our tournaments with our children, our kindness to them, again, no compromise. I'm not saying we're weak. We have to be firm. But, working on our attachment with our children, prioritizing the shoving soda, prioritizing bringing up a healthy child, and most of all, prioritizing the way we respect each other, our own middos, which is so consistent with the entire purpose of this time of year is to work on our middos, to work on being of being a healthy person. This is what we're meant to be doing, a godly person. Machlokes and machlokes If we can work on that now, then we're actually programming our kids for the most ultimate success in life. It doesn't matter what struggles and issues are going to come in their way. The neural programs we put into them. The program them for success. That's our first job. That's the first job we have to do. Okay. Now, second thought I had is this. We need to reset ourselves on how do we understand children. How do we understand you know, Shem sends children into this world. How do we understand the gift of these children? Because frankly, when most of us when our children are born, we all imagine this incredibly perfect human being. You know, we all get to imagine who this amazing person is going to be. You know, the next great rabbi, greatest Rebbetzin, you know, wonderful person, ask him for clarity so you know, we we we we imagine to ourselves. What was the truth? It says in the morning needed to say I know the base. The more of the Talmud says the following. It says there's a malach, an angel in charge. Malach mamuna Irah. There's a malach, an angel in charge of pregnancy. And his name is Lailah. This is his name. Lailah Ishmol. Lailah takes a drop of embryonic fluid. From mamila d'lifnei Hashem, he puts it before Shem. And he says, "Tippa zo mati ana, what's he going to be? Chacham o tipeish, be smart or stupid? Gibor o chalash, strong or weak? Ashir o ani, rich or poor? Bein tzaddik o rasha, Lailah amar, is it tzaddik o rasha? That doesn't say. Ki akol b'yedei Shamayim chutz miyirei Shamayim. Everything is b'yedei Shamayim except for yirei Shamayim. The tzaddik o rasha, you got to work on yourself. That's your job in this world. But everything else comes from Shamayim. Listen to this. It's so amazing. So absolutely amazing. The Torah is replete with what the Talmud said before. It's replete with the most profound psychological insights attuned to the spiritual reality that we live in. And to miss it to miss it makes our lives so much harder. But when we embrace it, woo, you can breathe again. Because listen to what the Mishna says. Mishna says "All of the combination of my inputs from Shamayim, everything is from Shamayim. Everything except for Shamayim." Tzadik Yishmael. What does it mean "All of the combination"? All of the combination of my everything is from Shamayim. What does that mean, those words? Everything is from Shamayim except for Shamayim. That's me. So Rashi tells us Rashi says something. It's so amazing. Cuz Rashi says All of the combination of the combination of Adam All of the combination of Shamayim All of a person's midos, characteristics, personality, who they are, the person who you are when you come back to this world, the essence, the core of your personality, your character All of the combination All of the combination and all the events that transpire in the course of your life, the influence of your life the friend next door who drove my kid crazy, right? And then they and the teacher who who destroyed my kid fourth grade. All of the combination of the combination of the events that happen to your children. This is Rashi. This is so amazing. The midos, characteristics, and personality All of the combination of the events that happen to child are all a bundle of excess and small punishment. That's an amazing statement. It means like this. You have a lazy kid. You decide your kid's lazy. They don't do You beg them to come help clean the table, set the table, you know, take out the garbage. You ever had that experience, anyone? No. No. All right. Then you wouldn't know what I'm talking about. And the kid says, "I'm busy." They yell a lot. They're busy. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming." One of these years, you know, probably. And you're obsessed inside with the thought of feeling this. It's suffering. This kid is so lazy. Try to cream your child so lazy. And then you want to throttle them, you know? When they're not looking, you hit your spouse and you go like mad. Let's think this through. According to rational Oh, no one had that experience. Should I just move on? So, according to rational This is rational. This is rational. Call me any Greek scientist in the language. Call me dinosaur. The grace of bundle of excess fellow is, let's say you're right. In that moment, you happen to be accurate. And you've decided your kid is lazy. They are Look at the damage with laziness. They're absolute. That is a factual truth. You could get 10 psychologists who will do a battery of tests. And we will determine, yes, your kid is lazy. It's true. And you can breathe a sigh of relief now. It's official. That's why they don't help you. They're officially lazy. That kid. You got that one? Most of us have one, by the way. Okay. So, you go over to your kid and say, "What is matter with you? You're lazy. You know you're lazy?" Now, what should the child say in truth? They should look up to you. Remember they're 10 years old. And they should look up to you and say, "Well, yeah." Yeah. That's how God made me. And Rashi says, "Then I got that from God." And frankly, I'm not sure what you're so upset about. And the way I see it personally, is I'm lazy, and it's your job to help me get up with it. And he's not being very helpful at the moment, the way he's speaking to me. No, just a comment. Don't insult call me the all his meters. Kind of good and bad. Kind of selfish. Self-centered. Insensitive. You know, they're behaving in a way that drives us frankly crazy. We wonder what's going to be with this kid. It's a a quote from the Torah. By the way, this is the moment where you know, you want to tell your kid, you know, when I was a kid Let me tell you something. Now, this sentence, if you ever say it please don't finish it. Let it go. Don't ever finish that sentence. It's a lousy sentence to say to your kids. You know, they they say that like every five years, a new generation. Well, what's the point? When you were a kid you're an old fogey. You're an antique. You don't know how to program the microwave clock. They can do it like this. He tells us the magic. The Torah is telling us something so amazingly profound. And then these three areas, give a harsh, that physical world we live in, I think. And no one said "This fighting is true." Our money is the environment we live in. And and him or tippers is our internal world. These are three dimensions internal, our physical world, and the external world. These three worlds everything is meditation like. Your child, if indeed it turns out they are self-centered or selfish, that's our job to help them with this. And it doesn't help them by accusing them of being selfish or self-centered or getting angry when they're not helpful. If indeed it was true, which is what my son not. They're just being kids. That's kids. But we need to reset in our brains, especially when we come into this stressful time in young marine. What actually is a kid? A kid is a work in progress. I do not expect of them. Turns out the single best intervention to get a teenager to take a garbage out of the house, shall I give it to you now? This is money back. Okay, this is it. You're going to say no. Goodnight tonight to the this line. This is this guy. But it has to be authentic. If it's not authentic, it doesn't work. You tell your teenager, "I'd really appreciate if you could take the garbage out, but you don't have to. It's perfectly I'm happy to do it. I'm happy to do it. But it has to be authentic. Not manipulative. No, I'll do it. Don't worry. I'll take it. No, no, no, no. Now that is work. It is completely genuinely authentic. I am more than happy to take the garbage out. It will be helpful to me if you could, but if you're busy, cuz they're always busy doing nothing. Okay? But they're busy. And you acknowledge that, so you don't have to. And it's perfectly fine, and I don't mind doing it myself. Watch what happens when you authentically say that to your kid, I'll walk away. Because what starts happening is your child starts taking out the garbage for you. Why? Because no kid wants to be controlled. No kid ever wants to be told what to do or be controlled. They They're just not mature enough for that. Listen, I don't control that. But I can work on myself. If my wife says to me, "You should take out the garbage." I go like a dog and I do it. Know my place, you know? That's me working on me. I sure did. My punches, anything more I can do. I'm a mature person. I want to take out the garbage. No. But I'm mature enough to understand. Child is not. So you take away all the control and simply express, "It would be so helpful to me. I'd so appreciate it if you would, but if you can't, it's totally fine. You don't need to excuse yourself. It's all good." Same thing with cleaning tables and preparing anything else and any other task. Perhaps it's telling us tremendous the character of your child, whatever emerges in this stressful period of time and you start feeling those feelings of like, you know, this crazy feelings about my kid. If that's true, that should guide us. Aha. This is the area I want to help my child with in this world. If this is the way they're behaving, it must be that's what Hashem sent them back with. That's the personality Hashem gave them. And that's my life kodesh, my holy is to help my child with it. The first research with children is to be realistic and honest call me dressed up because whatever happens to them in the course of their life and whatever midas character they have is God given. And then answer that marriage is is mine I have a cottage my only task to help them with it. Instead of being upset about it I mean she be in marriage. I'm happy to say enough to let it emerge and I'll help them process it. That's the first thought. The Hasam Sofer amazing Hasam Sofer one of the great great good earlier in the volume in Paskin of Koheles. So he quotes a possuk in in Jonathan Eybeschutz in the Hasam Sofer. It's a possuk in Koheles. You know what? Let me just paraphrase it and explain this so beautiful. He says I the possuk says in Koheles Aylach Eretz She Malchecha Na'ar v'Sarim b'Voker Yochlu Oy vay for a country whose Malchecha whose king is a Na'ar a child. He became you know his father died and became the king and he was a little kid. Oy vay for a country whose king is a child v'Sarim and the ministers around him b'Voker Yochlu eat breakfast. It's not literal translation it's close. B'Voker Yochlu they eat in the morning. Strange possuk. What's it talking about? So the Hasam Sofer explains something amazing. When a king a child the nature of a child is to be childish these are his words. It is the nature of a child to be childish. You know you ever heard the word in like Yiddish? They say the word It's such a narishkeit. Right? Narish. You're narish. What's the word narish? Comes from the word naar. A naar is like an adolescent, a child. And we say, "Ah, why are you acting such a narishkeit?" And they should, by all rights, say, "Cuz I'm a naar. That's what I do for a living." That is my way. I'm a naar. I mean, it's so strange. We blame It's totally adult. That's narishkeit. That's like the adult thing. That's true. But a child, that's what they're meant to be. So the child and the cipher It is completely normal for a child to be childish and act childish. And we expect of them to be childish because they're not developed. They're not mature. And they do childish things. Brisker Rav had a maiseh, fabulous maiseh. Brisker Rav, the famous Brisker Rav, had a meeting in Yerushalayim with all the good doily Yerushalayim. His son was then a little boy, 2 3 years old. And he's got a long table. And he's at this amazing show. It's unbelievable. It's crazy story. Only Brisker can do this. It's like It's such a Brisker story. You know, Brisker like you know, they're shooters. They're They're like, you know, so clear about things. He said in the middle of the meeting, sitting there the Rav, and there's a long table. The good doily Yerushalayim sitting at the table. And his son climbs up on the table, walks down the table. You have to be cringeworthy. They write it wrong. Cringeworthy. Imagine they do that during a meal, right? When you got company over. Walks down the table, jumps off, walks around, and climbs back up. And he does this again and again and again. Eventually, one of the rabbonim turns to him and says, "Rebbi, teach us." There's no like fear of din. So then you have nothing to say. You have to teach him. You have to teach him. And the Rav said, "He's not beginning to finish. He's only 6. They're not here to finish." He's a child. He's not a king, he's not a king. What are you talking about? He's a kid. Who bothers you? He doesn't bother me. It's such such a brisket minus such a brisket. Brilliant brisket minus the story. It's just I'm not sure I can do it. I'm not such a brisket, you know, I'm not sure. I'm not sure anyone can do it. But it tells us something. Children are childish. Child childish. Na'ar kish. Childish, that's what they are. And they mention it. And on the contrary he says in this story "Oy vey for a country whose king is a na'ar and the ministers are both na'ar." This is how he ties it to places like this. He says "What's the job of the ministers of the king? You can't be HaMelech was a na'ar. He was 14 when he became king. So can't be it's banned for a country whose king is a na'ar because HaMelech was 14 and he was a great king for Klal Yisrael." So he says "Oy vey goes on the ministers eat breakfast." It's parenthetic. Oy vey is not oy vey the king is a child. In a country where the king is a child, oy vey the Botzei HaCheilel the ministers eat breakfast. What does it mean? It means like this. What's the job of the ministers if the king becomes a king as a child? Who is going to take the scepter stuff throwing up in the air, you know, I'm playing with it and the crown and being like with the crown. You know, no, it's not cool. You can't do that, you know, you're a king. So what do the ministers do around him? They protect him. They cover up for him. They guide him until he becomes old and mature enough to be a king that everyone respects. In the meantime, you know, they cover up. They make sure he doesn't play with the crown and the scepter all the rest of it. And jump up and down and go to throw. No, you don't do that. You know, the king does do that. They protect him. Listen to this. He says, "But what happens if he's the king and every time he does something wrong, they jump and no, no, no, no, no, you mustn't do that." And they yell at him every time. No, no, you don't play with the scepter. You don't play Instead of giving him a toy scepter to play with, give him a toy crown and let him play with that. No, every time he does something wrong, they bark at him and yell at him. This is how he teaches the world with boker yochelo, with boker shalom in his youth. His early part, boker morning, the early parts of his life, yochelo, they eat him up. They criticize him. They constantly knock him. He says, "I beg for such a country that has a king who's a child and the ministers knock him and knock him and knock him and knock him." Because he'll never grow up to be a real king, to be able to lead the country. They'll destroy him. They'll dry him out. They'll facial him up. They'll ruin his spirits. Children have to be children. A child has to be allowed to be There's thousands of stories of children who were childish later in life doing crazy things. I bet you we have a few in this room. I bet you. Who did some I know we did actually, a few of us. Some naughty things so one of them was just crazy stuff. Unfortunately, when parents would look the way, we didn't make a fuss about it. We have to allow a child to be a child. Actually, that word, naar, of harsh, is a beautiful has been that word, naar. The word naar means lunar hair, to shake off. That's what it means, to shake off. The child is born when they're little, we are completely in control of them. Hopefully, by the time they get married, they're completely in control of themselves. They've somehow taken control, and we've we've pulled back, and they've moved forward. That's the process called learn our hair to shake us off as parents where we don't have a grip on them. We allow them to emerge to be who they need to be. That's the learn now, that's the now. So, this is the second point I want to make. This is a time of stress and expectation of our children. By the way, when when when am I meant to stop? Just tell No, no, seriously. I'm so sorry. I just I didn't even ask. I apologize. We got Okay, I'm sorry. If anyone needs to leave, leave. I won't take it personally. Yes, I'll try not. Anyway, so, you know, this is we we need as we go into this tikkun olam. First thing I said was we have to work on ourselves, our middos. We have to emulate, we have to act in a way create the attachment with our kids, want them to emulate us, want them to follow our sort of way by the way, yeah. The second thing we need to do is we need to recalibrate how we look at our children and understand our children. Let's not expect more of them than they can do. Let's understand and let them play, let them have fun, especially this generation, by the way. Because there's no question, by the way, there's a again, this is another drash about maturation, but but How many we got so far? Okay, dish one. But there's a whole this unbelievable university research that shows a corollary between age expectancy and maturity. And what they demonstrated is that as we're living longer, maturity is being delayed. And that's for for anyone who teaches, you know, is they they told the kindergarten teachers told me one time that when I don't know when I went to school, I remember distinctly we were given a hook with a number. First day, put your boots here, put your raincoat there. And that's what you did first day. I'm told now that till Hanukkah, they're still teaching with colors and animals, songs to try and get the kids to realize this is your hook, not that one, this one. They think crazy till Hanukkah. And you don't have all this and the whole thing. It's like crazy. This is my hook. We were told the first day that was it. This is your hook, you know, number three. Okay. So, kids are maturing later. And we have to recalibrate for that for ourselves. So, our expectations have no strength as to us even one generation. Kids are going to be delayed in maturity-wise from us. They will do things different in the way to So, that's the second thing is after the primary of working on ourselves and understanding attachment, the next thing we have to do is make sure you recalibrate how we look at our kids, what we expect children to be. Children. Look, there's this thing called children. What is the expectation of children? So, we can relax it and not drive ourselves crazy as we feel our kids aren't doing the things we wish they would. That's the second thing. Okay, now some practical ideas. I think we're waiting for this, but but it'll make sense now. Look, the fact is that in this generation, unfortunately, for right and for wrong. But the spark puts into the world that's the short right. What he puts into the world challenges that probably didn't exist in previous generations, but when I think probably factually did not exist. When I grew up, there was certainly no internet. There was no computer. The computer didn't exist. When I grew up, it was a world where there was a thing you would remember called clockwork. With clockwork, things clockwork, you wound it up. Clockwork. Today, the kids don't know if you Most people here would know what I'm doing if I did this. What would I be doing if I did this? What would I be doing? Storing his studies from college. Storing what? What am I doing? Tape. Tape. A tape? Who said it? A tape, right? You got it, all right. Tape. Well, the kid didn't know what a tape is. A tape. A tape, yeah. The penny's dropped. All right. A tape, right? What does it do? You put it in the car, you pull it out, and the whole thing goes wild. Remember those days? Right? And you take the tape, you put a pencil on cuz it's got the edges, and it just fits perfectly. Everyone kept pencils in the tape box, so you could tie your tape. No one knows what that is. I mean, the world has gone crazy. It's just crazy. And the primary thing I see is for most children, the reliance on screens to alleviate their boredom. So, they're busy with games, tablets, things, and the screen-related game things. And they're busy with it, and it gets their attention. Comes a three-day Yom Tov, boredom sets in. I urge parents, before Yom Tov, sit down with your kids. Do not wait till Yom Tov. Now, today, tomorrow. Not tonight, they're asleep. Oh, I'm kidding, right? They're dancing and partying in your house right now. Tomorrow, sit down with your kids. You have to sit down with your kids before Yom Tov and create realistic expectations. You have to acknowledge to them so they're not hurt. It's not their fault that the world they live in has screens and games, lots and lots of fun games that never existed. Kids today, I mean, the research is pretty awful about the amount kids read today. We grew up reading. We read and we went out and played ball. The the kids barely do that anymore. Just go and play ball with it. Who takes a ball to the park and kicks it around? That That sounds like something Charles Dickens. You know, the What is a ball? You kick a ball with it? You mean that you play, you know, soccer, you know? No, we just kick a ball around in the park or frisbee. I mean, who does that? They're glued to all these clever things that get their attention, which are very, very convenient if you want to like subdue them and, you know, just like anesthetize, you know, insert anesthetic and give them toys. And it keeps them all quiet. This is a major problem comes to three-day Yom Tov. They can barely get through a Shabbos, forget about three-day Yom Tov. And again, it troubles me that we don't This is and family it the children and acknowledge it to them two, three days before Yom Tov and sit down with them and say to them, "Kiddos, we've got Yom Tov coming. We're going to have a wonderful time, it's true, but it's going to be very, very hard for you who can't play your games and use your screens and toys and all the rest of it. These things is going to be very, very hard for you. Let's plan for success. Let's talk about it now. And the biggest thing that I think we make an error in is we don't validate the kids enough. We actually give them like a mussar drasha about their dependency on these things. Right? We criticize them for their dependency. We get upset with them. "You're so glued to it all." Um who bought it for them? Who finds it convenient, you know, when we're trying to clean up that they're playing with it? Hello, us. And then we give them a mussar drasha. It's the exact wrong thing to do to them. You have to And it's the exact wrong thing. You have to sit down and validate now before Yom Tov, two or three days before, and create realistic expectations. So, how are we going to do it? How can I help you? It's going to be hard for you. And when they know that we know it's hard for them, when they complain about it, and we tune into it, they're not manipulating. They're not manipulating. They feel understood. And you can quickly move them that way if you've already planned for success. Speak to them now because it's going to be hard for the little ones especially. These kids don't read. They just don't enjoy it so much anymore. Get them books. You know, be creative with them. Games and books and whatever, special things. How are we going to get through this? But validate for them it's going to be hard instead of mussaring, you know, about their dependency on this stuff. Don't mussar them. Validate that that this is the world you live in, and this stuff exists in the world you live in. And therefore we want to help. We help you. In the same way, we want to plan for success a few days before Yom Tov. What is expectations for davening? Depending on the age of the kid. Like you want them to know how much we expect you to be there or not be there, for sure. And how much we expect you to daven. One of my kids was very, very lonely to say. So, I took a sitter and I with a yellow highlighter I marked a couple of things in that sitter that said, "This year, that's enough. You do that, you're good to go." Beginning and end of the calendar. And I said, "We'll add every year on your birthday we'll add some more." So, over every year on the birthday what are you going to add time? What are you going to add? And I'll add something more. A little bit more so the person feels I'm growing up and I'm developing but it's attuned to the fact that they can't do it. So, why would we expect it of them? And I gifted him a sitter. Here's your sitter. This is your sitter you use. Just do the yellow parts. We're good. Shem's going to be very proud of you. We have to plan with them in advance for what our expectations that are realistic and reasonable for them. What should we expect of them? What should they expect of themselves? We have to tune into that. There's another thing that bothers me very much. I just have to ask a dumb question. Yeah. Treating like the garbage. It would mean a lot to me and make me happy if you came to davening but you do what's good for you. Um it depends on the child. The truth is this subject is is so huge because it depends on the type of kid and which type. There are some Look, let's be honest. I didn't modify this at all for kids who are not interested but are into it. And then there are kids who are. I don't like personally to guilt children into doing mitzvahs. I don't like to imply something that would mean so much to me if you would. There's something I I think inherently in unhealthy in do it for me Shifra. It's like rewarding kids. You know what we're saying to the kid? There It's like giving a prize. You know, I have this fight with the schools all the time about it about rewarding kids for going to school. What are you saying to the kids? I mean, it's really crazy if you think about it. We all know you hate school and school is a horrible thing. So, how much money can I use to get you to do it? So, how much money can I use to get you to do it? So, how much money can I use to get you to do it? It It reinforces that they know that I know that they know that I know they know it's horrible. It's crazy. And it's not spoken about, but that's how it feels. And the And I know it gets done. All my career, my practice kids with religious trauma been telling me these things all the time. It's like we all knew it was horrible. The more horrible it is, the more they can ask you. See, but people say just This Well, this is for you. People say you're a total hawk. So, so people say but the Rashaim they say all the people who lies are a person becomes his actions. The more you do it, the more you become his bribing. Let's get him doing it. Let's just make him do it more and more and more. And then that's what you become, right? That's what they say. Then I say, "No, not true." Because he says all the people who lies are there's a volume there. It's his actions, not my actions. If someone chooses If I choose to lose weight and I get rewarded and I get you know special incentives, well, that works to help me because it was my choice of something I want to do. But someone's going to push me to do it and then reward me and I don't really want to do it. It actually confirms for me how much I hate this thing. And then the reason I'm doing this cuz of the reward. So, I am really troubled by it. I'd much prefer to be patient. Wait till they grow up. Wait, they'll grow up. You know how they do it? They do it by copying us. They copy us. I watched with my children. They weren't great at school at all during their early years. And most you were good at anything during their teenage years. But there it was. We had an interesting journey. It was amazing to watch. Am I right about this? Am I by myself in this here? Am I right or wrong? That later on they adapt to when they adapt, it's super serious. It's super genuine. But I never once ever had a conversation ever about how you should adapt. I just did it. I wasn't. So am I correct? Is that that But I never told them. I never incentivized them. On the contrary, I told them that it's not for you. What I do isn't for you. Don't try to be me. I always told them, "Don't try to be me." I enjoyed it. Enjoyed it. You'll see what happens when you grow up. And incredibly, am I right? They adapt sincerely. It's amazing to watch. That's the plan for success. Let's talk to them if we want to. Let's talk to them if we want to. Let's talk to them if we No one says "Goodbye to everyone." People do it. They like to say "Goodbye to everyone." You ever had that agonizing experience when there's no one left but you say "Goodbye to everyone"? That's who you're saying it to. You're saying it to the lucky ones. Thank God. You know, I saw it in the journal of the journal of What was it? Let me see. Do I have it here? I'm just Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Attention span. The journal This is This is a study in 2010 student attention decline published in the Journal of Chemical Education entitled "How Long Can Students Pay Attention in Class?" And they studied first-year undergraduate chemistry students. I don't think anyone does chemistry unless you're a certain type of person who really wants to do chemistry. That's other people like that, right? You really got to want to do chemistry to do chemistry. Yeah? So, in the in this they accomplished this, they researchers were observing what when was the first flight of lack of attention in these first year undergraduate students? And they found that everyone had a first lapse of attention within a minute and the majority within 30 seconds. It's crazy. And that's the reason I can give you the research after. It's crazy. What happens at our table? The most tables, you know, you start you launch off into your, you know, your divrei Torah and then it forces you. The kids disappear and you go crazy. Then you have to force them to be there. Which is like a nightmare. And usually the mother is going crazy, right? Right? She's going nuts. Like, "Leave me alone." you know. It's like, "You got to know what you're saying at my divrei Torah." It's my father. Remember my zaide? We would sit there. I said, "Listen, zaide." He said, "What do you want to say?" In my house, I watched this happen and I realized this is not working. So, I developed the SMV. You know what the SMV is? It's the short meaningful vort. I actually put a lot of effort. Every Thursday night I sat and went through the parashah to find short meaningful vort. You know what a short meaningful vort is? Under 2 minutes. You got to pack a like a a doozy of a good vort based on a pasuk. You don't have to include the New York Times. That's irrelevant for the drashah. The bracha is just a pasuk with a with a preferably a good insight and you pack it under 2 minutes. Now, if you really do good, what do we have? S S M V. A seriously short meaningful And I can do it under 30 seconds sometimes. It depends on the mood of the crowd. But I'll tell you what happens that's so amazing. Is that what you really do when you prepare and you want to say to the table, you want to say something nice. You should and there should be something nice. But you do it short and meaningful. The goal is to get conversation. You don't understand. The goal isn't the middle. They teach them a word so they can have a word. That's not the point. The point is we're going to say something hopefully a little bit interesting and inspirational that will evoke conversation. That's what we want at our table. My rebbe, I want to tell you, in the summer, they suddenly brought my rebbe very rare. He didn't like the parsha sheets on the table. He spoke against it. He didn't want parsha sheets. He felt that too many kids got traumatized from those parsha sheets from being fed publicly. Proven. You know, they don't even know the name of the parsha. That's for sure, guys. Parsha sheet. Do we have a parsha sheet? It's optional. Yeah, they're just traumatized. I mean, no problem. Do a parsha here. Do it private. Yeah. Now that we're at the topic, everyone wants a short meaningful word. I once I'll tell you a story. Amazing. You know, I'm going to finish up with a word. Here we go. This is good, right? We did good. So, the the key is you don't force anyone to be quiet. But when you do a short meaningful word, most kids can contain themselves for a minute. They can do that. They can listen. Especially if it's meaningful. It's like a schmacha meaningful and it provokes conversation. One year, we were in the house of Israel. We live in Israel. And we are we had a bunch of boys who wanted these struggling yeshivas. And these boys were buying us fish on the whole bunch and they were buying us Russian. First night of Rosh Hashanah I got through the meal without any like incidents, you know, no heaviness. I didn't trigger anyone. No one had a troubled reaction. You know, it was all very light and fun. I made sure the hero lessons were all like light and funny and we did a lot of funny and the soda and the soda, right? Soda year goes good. The other one? Okay. So we all we we make up what we say. We had a great time. At the end of the meal I told these boys, you know, hope you don't mind but you know, I grew up Yeshivish. Is this okay if I say it about the Turkish one? And they looked at me and they said, "Gosh, I thought we were having a nice time." And they looked at each other and they said, "Yeah." So I told them, "You know what though, we do a special thing here it's called the SMV. The short meaningful vote. So I'm going to do one in 30 seconds or less. Would that be okay?" So they look at each other and they say, "Yeah, yeah, we go for that. 30 seconds yeah, we go for that. Yeah, sure." I said, "Okay. One of you is going to be the timekeeper. You got to watch You got to watch great. You say go and I'm going to say this for 30 seconds or less." They look at each other. What is this rabbi talking about? Like he said to me it's so weird this guy. So they're all ready, you know, they're going to show me up, you know. And this guy says, "Go." And I say, "Nobody is rushing. You know, cancel the timer. I'm just telling the context. Just listen. Ready? Okay, so we do go again. Go. Nobody can go back and create a new beginning. But everyone can start today and create a new ending. The one thing I wanted. That was it. The guys went crazy. They were high five and they were like, "Wow, I thought we were going to go off the charts. This is perfect. This is what we're on. This is real tired. This is what I want to hear." We sat there an hour and a half after this little S&V talking Tyra concepts, fears, hopes, inspirations. You know, they were telling me inspirational things. I was telling them from this little S&V. We have to be attuned to the children of our generation. You want to give a drasha? That's really what you come up with. You let me give a drasha. It's great. But not to the kids. Don't pull out the stander with the kids. You know, S&V time. The attention span isn't long enough. Make it attuned. Of course we should say something. But make it attuned or make it a kishmar or just just do a story. A good kishmar and a story. Leave it I'll leave you with my last thought. So, this outfit we're growing up and we were living in Lakewood at the time and we went through we had a lot of learned to say to the kids and I didn't understand any of it. I must tell you. We did not understand what we were doing and I felt this daughter went off which was 14. Now she's what? She's from America, kids, you know, married. We went through a lot of struggles with our kids. She was 14 and very defined place and uh one Friday as she was already in the throes of her struggles I was called into a certain rabbi in town who gave me the news that oh, I got another kid off the derech. I couldn't believe it. Another one. I didn't know that. But she was like spotted. You know, how they have these spots. And they see her doing something and they you know, now it's official. You got another kid off the derech. I promise you this is about 25 years ago. I came home and I was dead. It was Friday night. I was dead. I had no ruach. I was so so broken. I felt so numb. I I could barely whisper kiddush. I got through the meal. I got through the Seder and everything. And I was just feeling sick. And this is a Seder one. What is the matter with us? Like You know all the bad feelings and fears and embarrassment and shame, it was all inside me. I bentshed quickly and decided to go up to bed. Let my wife be with the kids. They're a lot safer in her hands in that moment than in my hands. And I went upstairs to bed. On the way upstairs, I meet her coming downstairs, going out. Friday night party with her friends, wearing as I often say her big day Kahuna, waving Yarden. And she was on the way out. And I was coming upstairs. She had sat there for a while until I triggered it too much. And she couldn't handle being around my morose, miserable personality that night. And I meet her on the stairs. And we looked at each other. And she said something that changed my life forever. She gave me a gift that was so profound. It was so penetrating and painful that it changed my life forever. Because on the way we stopped to paused on the landing. And she looked at me. And she said these words. "Doesn't look like your Judaism is working very well for you, is it?" And she left then. And And she killed me in that moment. Because the truth of what she said was so profound. She I'd lost my way because of the kids. I'd lost my my connection. I I didn't see it. This was all for my sham. And it's going to take me to a place I never imagined I'd get to. It took from me simcha. And I made a pledge to myself that night that I'm going to enjoy my Yiddishkeit. Whatever's happening around me, I'm going to enjoy being a Jew. I'm going to be b'simcha with my Yiddishkeit. Even if the kids aren't cooperating, even if they're challenging me, even if I'm alone at that table saying "Baruch atah Adonai Eloheinu Melech ha'olam" as I sang, believe me, countless times we have eight children and never once, countless times I sang to myself in that room the same words, "Heilige words" to myself, with joy and simcha cuz everyone left the table. And I reclaimed, thanks to her, my joy. I realized that in כל אגדות one of the top of it, whenever I show you all this, this is as good as all good. But we don't see that. But I've got to get a rich my Yiddishkeit. I've got to be the embodiment of simcha. It's Mashiach coming to. If I'm not b'simcha, if I let the stress, if I let this overwhelm me, I'm not b'simcha, what exactly am I telling my children? And so I decided to commit myself to living like a Jew regardless of what happens around me. Never let it happen again. But to enjoy being frum, to enjoy my mitzvahs, to enjoy my nisyonos, to enjoy my nisyonos, to enjoy my struggles, to let them take me to be a kinder person, a healthier person, a better person, a more loving person. Let them take me there. And lo and behold, that's exactly what happened, it enriched my life. It led me to being here. It led me to being maybe the So let's reclaim the simcha. Let's make sure that despite what's happening, that our children witness us as the embodiment of simcha. And as Mashiach is coming to, is not just something we say in our tfillah, but it's how we live, and it's how we rejoice with each other. With Hakadosh Baruch Hu, Yom Tov. I hope this is helpful. Have a good Yom Tov. I want to thank Rabbi for an incredible evening. Uh if there are 10 men who would like to have Maariv or have a Maariv minyan, we'll grab it for shul. Okay, good.